The Harland Highway - PODCAST 124

Episode Date: June 14, 2010

Let's talk about your pee and pizza. Also BBQ Eddy, Senior Fuentes, household cleanser, and letters from you as we dip into the listener Mail Bag. Slumberin slug lips! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

gonna find my baby gonna hold it tight gonna have a little podcast afternoon delight no no no no I do not want people having afternoon delight while they listen to my voice okay if you're listening to my podcast with your loved one and you get the itch and you start going at it please turn it turn my podcast off I don't want to be your background music for you making whoopey. I don't want my voice, you know, permeating the airspace around your humping and dumping and plumping. Let's just get right to it. Big show today. We're going to be talking about your pee, okay?

Let me start right there. Yes, it's going to be a high-brow show. So we're going to be talking about pee. We all do it, so why not talk about it, right? We're going to be talking about pizza, which also starts with a pee, but it's something you eat. I think our friend Eddie is going to be reaching out, trying to get some people to party with them. I do believe my annoying gardener, Senor Fuentes, is going to be by. We're going to be dipping into the mailbag and reading some of your letters you've been sending me

at harlem williams.com and then later on i'm going to be doing an experiment with some household cleaner right here on the harland highway you just made a wrong turn when you kindly shut your mouth onto the harland highway oh it's lovely it's just lovely the harland highway Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Can I get serious with you people for just one minute?

Can I pick your brain? This is Harlan Williams here, your host on the Harlan Highway. I need to ask you something. I need help. I need the answers to something here. Why, when you eat asparagus, does your pee smell like asparagus? I know, not the classiest question you've ever heard, but you all know what I'm talking about. Why does your pee smell like asparagus?

I don't think anyone deserves to go to the bathroom and have the room all of a sudden smell like a side dish. I don't think your pee should smell like one of the food groups. That's just wrong. Can you imagine if other foods came through? Smelling like that? I smell Count Chocula. What the hell is Count Chocula? It's just me.

I'm going to pee in the woods. Relax. One of life's little mysteries, I guess. Maybe I better call up the Jolly Green Giant. Maybe he's got some answers for me. You think the Jolly Green Giant's pee smells like spragus? That guy wears asparagus. I think he is asparagus.

his peep probably smells like a salad bar The Harland Highway The Valley of the Jolly Peep, peep, pee pee, green giant Isn't peeing just weird overall? You know, peeing is kind of like your breathing or your heartbeat, it just kind of happens, you don't think of it, okay?

You don't really think about it at all, but think about it. Think about you as a human being, think about your body, thinking about when you bleed, you know, how you frantically try to stop that liquid from leaving your body, or think about your saliva that you swallow all the time,

and think about your mucus that you expel in little chunks. And then isn't it weird that, you know, at certain points of the day you just stop, and all this water comes out of you, all this liquid, all this liquid, all this urine. It's just like this big, like, giant cup. You can fill a beer mug with it.

It just comes flowing out of your body a few times a day. And you don't really think about it. You don't think about it passing through a tube or a vein or an artery or whatever it comes out of. You don't think about the sensation. You don't think about, you know, any pain related to it. I guess if you overthought it, it would creep you out.

Like, think of it. It's like turning on a tap. You're kind of like turning on a faucet and pee is coming out for like a minute or two or however long it takes you. I believe me. You ever been in the men's restroom guys? And you go into the can and you stand there and you take a pee and some other guy walks in.

And he's not peeing into it. urinal because they're all used so he goes into one of the stalls and you hear him pee and it just keeps going and going and you're like what the hell and going and you're like you've never heard such a long piss in your whole life you're like what the hell is that guy a camel or something but anyways i just thought it was weird because you probably never think twice about your pee and the fact that it streams out of your body and it doesn't hurt that it's just this entity, this liquid, this stuff. And you're like, wow, Williams, you are really hard up for topics today, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I'm just saying it's something that you probably go through your whole life and don't even think about. And it's kind of a weird thing. And animals do it and everything does it so we don't think about it. But in a way, you got to admit, it's kind of odd. It's kind of weird Or maybe it's just me Maybe I should move on

Maybe I should just take a break Go take a pee And come back That's what I'll do Welcome to The government doesn't want you to know Did you know that Pizza slices

Are just pumpkin eyes Disguised with pepperoni and cheese tomatoes and green onions. Yes, that's right. The government doesn't know how to dispose of cut out triangle-shaped pumpkin eyes. So they flatten them out, put them in a circular shape,

and sell them to you, and rename them pizza pies. The government doesn't want you to know. And yes, I just discovered, um, thin slice, Thin-crest pizza. Hallelujah for thin-crust pizza. You know, I was never, I'd heard of it. I'd never really ordered it.

And, you know, as you get a little older, you start to watch your weight, and you order a pizza, and you think, God, this is good, but look at all this damn dough I'm eating, man. Look at all this yeast and this dough and this flour, and God. And so one day I'll be like, all right, I'll be health conscious. I'll try the old thin crust. And so I ordered it. And my God, it's delicious.

You're still getting the same sauce and the same cheese and the same toppings. Except instead of having, like, you know, crust that has the thickness of a lead door, you've got crust that's like the thickness of a, you know, a thin piece of cardboard. And it's easier to eat, it's easier to hold, it's easier to lift up, it's easier to bite into. And at the end of the day, you're still getting all that pizza flavor, and you're not eating all that disgusting dough and flour and all that crap that makes you into a fat pizza monster. I'm a pizza monster

Oh, somebody called Godzilla What am I doing? So anyways, I'm now a fan If you haven't tried it This is just a little recommendation from me to you I'm always looking out for you, people Try it, try the thin crust pizza And don't worry that you're, oh, well, you know,

It's the same price for the thick stuff, so why would I get the thin crust when I could get the thick stuff? How about maybe saving some years on your life? How about living a little healthier? How about treating your insides to a little less garbage? How about that? Does that help? So anyways, check it out.

No affiliations here. This isn't a commercial for dominoes or pizza hot or anything. Papa John's, nothing. I just wanted to try the thin crust, man. And, oh, yeah, what's really great is if you run out of paper and your photocopier, you can, if you shove it in upside down, toppings face down, it's so thin you can print out documents on the back of your pizza. So there you go.

Enjoy. This is Eddie. He wants to pull you. party, but they just hang up. Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? Oh? Uh, Teddy.

What you want? Uh, Teddy, I was gonna see if you, uh, maybe wanted to grab a beer or something. Uh, grab a Heineken? They got a wrong number, man. Maybe throw the barbecue together, have some ribs and stuff. What is this? It's Eddie. Eddie?

Yeah, it's going to see if maybe we could slap some ribs together, have some coleslaw. You got the wrong number, but. How about a beer? So you got the wrong number, man. Just one beer, we could hang out, get caught up. Have a cigarette and stuff? I can make a... I could make a...

I could make a coleslaw or something. You did coleslaw? No. How about some potato salad, man? I mean, it's a barbecue. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and

free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item, it could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. You got the wrong number.

What about some hot dogs, some ribs? What, hey, what the hell? What? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. What? Oh, no.

No. No, no, no. What is he doing here? Oh. Oh, God. Why did you let him? in, Roger. I know he's my gardener. What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. Yes, I know your name, Senor Fuente. What are you doing here?

I'm in the middle of a podcast. What is a podcast, Signor? It's a podcast is a thing that goes out over the internet. What is the internet? Okay. What are you doing here? I came to. tell you, senor, that I got your hose tangled in some trees. What are you talking about? You know your hose, signor? Yes, I know my hose. You know your big, long, rubbery hose? Yes, I know the hose.

Well, I got it wrapped around and around some trees, senor. Okay. And I think I tied it in a knot by mistake. Okay, you came all the way in here to tell me, you tied my hose in a knot yes signor and the liquid was having trouble coming out the liquid you mean the water call it what you will senor well it's water okay senor you don't need to get angry well you got my your hose you got my hose tangled in some trees and it got bundled up into a knot whoopi-do well it's all backed up senor it's all clogged okay what do you want me to

do. Well, I got some good news, senor. Yes. Well, I was able to unclog the hose and untie the knot in your hose. Okay, great. I feel much better. Yeah, you should. What? And then all the men lined up, and they took turns drinking out of your hose. Do I really need to know that? Oh, they held that hose up in the, in the sky, and the water trickled into their hot, parched mouth, Señor, just dripping slowly down their throats, some of it running down the side of their cheek right through their moustaches, just dripping down their throats and onto their open shed. Stop it! Just running right down their chest bone down towards their belly button. Stop it! Because, you know, most of my helpers don't wear a shirt. Stop it! Why do you not want to hear how your hose was being drunk by all my work? Stop it!

Are you done? I guess so, signor. Okay, can you get out of here, get back, get my hose, and finish the gardening. Yes, senor. Okay, go. I think there's one more thing, signor. What? I ran over the tip of your hose with my truck.

Pardon me? I squished the cap. The head of your hose, I ran over with the truck and flattened it out. Get out of here! Okay, maybe you want a flat O's. Get out of here! Flathead, flathead, get out! Letters, oh, we get letters, we get your letters every day.

Yes, yes, yes, letters, letters. I do get your letters. Keep sending them to Harlow Williams.com. If you go to Harlan Williams.com, you can just click and send me a letter, and I will get it and read it on the air. Here's one from Mark Evans. He writes to me, he says, hey, salad monster, okay? I guess it's those croutons I keep in my hair. Thank you, Mark.

I'm a salad monster. His letter is the following. He says, I think you're awesome. Will you come back to San Francisco to do a few more stand-up nights? I saw you a few months back. Please come back. Okay, okay. Well, this is good news.

This is a big announcement here. It's a little premature, but you're hearing it first here because Mark Evans pushed me to do it. wrote, I am your biggest promoter and fan on the West Coast. Love You'll be happy to know. Yes, I am coming back to San Francisco. And this time I'm doing it up real big. I'm going to be at the Erbs Theater, which is right there on Van Nass, right next to the Opera House. Incredible, beautiful plush theater in San Francisco. and the date is September 4th, Saturday, September 4th.

And guess what? Tickets are already on sale. You can call the Herbs Theater and get your tickets. And this is the first announcement. We haven't even got into promoting that show yet. So here you go. Your wish is my command. Thanks for your letter, Mark.

And check under your bed tonight so the salad monster doesn't get you. All right, let's see what else we got here in the old Harland Highway mailbag. All right, looks like Lauren. Lauren has written to me, she says, hey Harland, love the podcast, look forward to listening to it every week. You have such a sweet and bizarre sense of humor. I just love it. Come do a show in Chicago.

I like that, sweet and bizarre. That should be a new. a new Chinese food menu item. You want sweet and sour pork? No, no, no. I want the sweet and bizarre chicken balls, please. Oh, we just cook them. You're going to like them.

Thank you. Yes, I will let you know what I am coming to Chicago, Lauren. Thank you for your kind words. And let's see who else we got in the mailbag. Okay. I have to get to this guy's letter just because of his name, okay? He goes,

Hi, Harland, I agree with your podcast. The U.S. is embarrassing in terms of high tech. I'm originally from Poland and in the USA here for 13 years, but I hate the roads, the infrastructure, the quality of work that's being done here. Steve Jobs should be president. Your fan, Marizuz,

Magachersak. I'm going to spell the last name. M-A-J-C-H-R-Z-A-K. You try and say it. But anyways, he's referring to a podcast I did about how, you know, the USA has just kind of been sitting still in terms of the roads and a lot of the technology and power poles and a lot of things look the same today as they did in, you know, 1963. 1973, and a lot of the highways and roads are pretty beat up. So I guess Marizus, Majajar Kershukkak was just agreeing with me. So thank you for that letter. And let's see who else we got here in the mailbag. Okay, here is a letter from Veronica Rossi. And I love getting emails from her because she always corrects me.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, in the passion of the moment, during an improv or a tirade or a riff, whatever you want to call it, I'll just roll out and roll out and I'll start talking and I'll throw in what I think is the appropriate or the necessary word. And sometimes I throw in a word that sounds similar to what should be there or I pronounce it wrong or it's not exactly the right fit. so she wrote dear harling god i love your show by the way it's unobtrusive i think you hang with adam carola because you say dillweed a lot i use dillweed too but because you do so she was correcting me on unobtrusive if i know me i probably said inobtrusive so i thank you for your obtrusive correction of my vocabulary, and if you care to phone and leave me a voice message, I will allow you to call me a dillweed for screwing up my words. Okay, thank you, Veronica. Let's get another letter. All right, the next letter comes from Tom Glassy, and Tom says, hey, Harland, I just got to write and say,

how much I love your podcast. Please come to Chicago and do some stand-up. I have been a blue man in the blue man group for the past 12 years, and I invite you to our show if you're ever in town. Keep on rocking in the freak world. Tom Galassie. I got to tell you, Tom, I admire the Blue Man group. You guys are physical, you're innovative, you're imaginative,

quite an entertaining show. It's just, you know, the whole idea that you guys paint yourselves blue and, you know, that's what entertainment's all about. Give people the unexpected, keep them guessing, keep them excited. And I really enjoy your work. So if you get a chance, go see Tom in Chicago or the Blue Man Group wherever they may be playing all over the country. And I always wondered if the Blue Man Group ever went to like where the Smurfs. live or where the avatar people live and they put up a billboard or they do a show and they're like

ladies and gentlemen the blue man group and there's like three blue people in the audience going what they're blue oh big deal so am i but they're blue we don't care we're blue too we're smers Okay, maybe not. Let's move on, and let's take one more letter here before we close up the mailbag. Okay, let's see. Oh, well, look at this. We got another letter from Veronica Rossi

correcting me once again about immaculate conception. She goes, dear Harland, you have confused the immaculate conception with the enunciation. The immaculate consumption refers to Mary being free of sin, whereas the enunciation refers to Mary conceiving a child despite being a virgin. Well, not only is she correcting my vocabulary, she's correcting my religious history. I guess I did a topic or I went on a rant about immaculate conception.

And you've got to admit, immaculate conception sounds like someone getting pregnant, by the hand of God. Annunciation sounds like my grammar school teacher. Children, you must enunciate. Annunciation. Children, annunciate. But what if I'm pregnant with God's child?

Well, then enunciate, you little brat. Ah, go immaculate conception yourself. So there you go. I've been corrected again by Veronica Rossi, and I guess that probably makes me the immaculate dillweed. And I hope I enunciated that properly. But there you go. That's it for today.

Keep those letters coming. Let's close up the old mailbag. And I look forward to more of your comments, insults, praise, criticism, whatever you want. It all flies here on the Harland Highway. Another letter from our listener's day What a day, what a day, what a day for a grand experiment. Hi, this is Harland Williams.

You're listening to the Harland Highway, and I'm sitting here naked in my chair, broadcasting to you. Feels really good, but I thought I'd try a little experiment. I am going to spray my whole body with Windex window cleaner and you know that squeaky noise you get when you clean the glass windows on your house I want to see if I spray my naked body if when I move around

like I cross my legs or I fold my arms or I scratch my back I want to know if I get that squeaky sound because I dig that sound man for some reason I like it so here we go spray in my body with blue liquid windex window cleaner just get it all over here we go under my arms on my back right there down in the special area oh it stings a little but okay and here I go I'm just

sitting back of my chair oh hear that folding my arms I'm crossing my legs I'm crossing my Oh, that sounded good. I'm uncrossing my legs. I'm crossing them again. Okay, I feel very shiny and very clean. Ooh, whoops. I drop something. Excuse me, will I pick this up? Whoops, a daisy. Don't be listening to those noises.

Keep it clean here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I know. You're thinking, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Who the hell gets naked and sprays their body with Windex? Well, if you haven't tried it, folks, please don't knock it, okay? Yeah, and I say that to guilt you out, like, I really think you're going to go do it. I really think you're going to go get all naked and spray your body with Windex. Gee, I win that round.

I don't think so, Mr. Williams. And speaking of rounds, I am going to be coming around to your neighborhood, especially if you live on the West Coast, and you live anywhere near Long Beach, California, which is just south of L.A. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy Thursday, June 17th, Friday, the 18th, and Saturday the 19th at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach, California.

You can go to Laughfactory.com and click on the Long Beach link and you can get all your ticket information. You can reserve your tickets. online. What have you? Okay. So there you go. And outside of Stenev, I want to tell you something fun I've been doing the last few months here. It's kind of been under wraps, but I'm like, why the hell don't I tell them? I don't know if you are fans of the show Robot Chicken. It's on adult swim, and it's kind of a crazy stop-motion animated show that comes on late at night and deals with

you know pop culture and movies and comic book characters and things like that and they're all in crazy wacky situations well our boy Seth Green Scotty from Austin Powers throw me a freaking bone here Scotty Scotty reached out to me

or Seth Green I should say reached out to me and said hey man how would you like to coming right on my show that I produce. Robot Chicken. And I was familiar with the show, and it's funny, and it's hip, and it's edgy. And I was like, dude, I will be there. So I've been writing on the show for the last little while.

I hope you get a chance to check it out. We're proud of what we do over there. Hopefully, just another way to make you laugh. And that's what it's all about here in, here on planet Earth. And like I said, if you don't have a TV, and many of you don't, because, you know, we're just the dawn of television.

Who the hell has a TV, man? If you don't have a TV and you're in Long Beach, June 17th to the 19th, check me out live, doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory. Go to laughfactory.com to get your tickets, and hopefully I'll see you there. Bring a robot chicken with you if you like. And if I don't see you there, I'll see you here next time on the Harlan Highway.

I'm Harlan Williams. Thanks for riding along. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Or should I say robot, chicken chow main, baby.