The Harland Highway - PODCAST 125

Episode Date: June 16, 2010

Old folks discounts, BBQ Eddy, Celebrity Races, bad backs, dust, change and coins, prom night, and toenails. Porky the pudgy Princess!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I want to put on my boogie shoes. I want to put on my moamma, ma'amma, ma'amma, no, I don't want to put on my boogie shoes. Does anyone even own boogie shoes? What I want to put on is a podcast, okay? So that's what we're going to do. And what a motherload of things we will be discussing today. We're going to be talking about old folks discounts. Don't you feel a little peeved that they're getting a discount and you're not?

Yeah, we're going to get into that, oldies. I think our buddy Eddie's here looking for the Eternal Party. Summer heats up. He's looking for someone to barbecue with. We're going to the celebrity racetrack. It's going to be some great celebrities running today. We're going to be talking about bad backs. Do you have back pain?

Do you know that there's a select group of individuals that never get back pain, and we're going to expose them? We're going to be talking about dust and vacuuming. We're going to be talking about people that put too much change out when they check out. We're going to be talking about prom night. We're going to be talking about your toenails. All kinds of stuff, man. So put your socks on, cover up your toenails.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are on. The Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway

I'm not your daddy Hi, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip here on the Harland Highway. Are you finding it too expensive to go to the movies? You can't afford the high ticket prices at the box office. Well, here's what you do. Join a tanning salon. Lay under the hot lights for at least 12 hours a day. Within two months, your skin will crinkle up so that you'll look.

look like a dried-out old apple core. You can approach the movie theater and request the seniors discount. This should save you all kinds of money and let you enjoy the movies as you sit there with your prune-wrinkled skin and crackle in your seat because you're so dry. Just another money-saving tip here from Harland Williams on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm getting. the whole seniors discount thing. Are you?

I mean, think about it, man. Like, you've got seniors. You know, you're talking 60, 70, 80, 90, 100. They spent their whole life making money, okay? They've had their jobs. Their kids have flown the coop. They're retired. They're living it up.

And, you know, they've probably, over the course of their lifetime, the average human probably makes, I'd have to say minimum, like a million dollars, if not more. So why the hell are the oldies getting the discounts when it's the students who have no money and it's us people that are out there grinding it out from 9 to 5 every day, trying to feed the kids and pay for the school and the dentist and the tuition and the groceries, la, la, la, la, la.

Meanwhile, Grandpa rolls out of bed at three, does a little lawn bowling, scratches his ass, Farts, reads the paper as a lemonade. I think I'll go to the movies now. Well, you must be exhausted, Grandpa. What'd you do all day? Absolutely didly squat. Well, how much money did you spend?

None, don't you forget, I live with you, you jackass. You're paying my rent and feed me three square a day. You son of a bitch. I heard that. So, hey, nothing against the old. old folks, man, but how about cutting us folks, the middle folks, and the student folks? How about us getting the damn discount instead of these oldies that are sitting on their life savings, man? They could go to a movie every day.

Okay? Boy, oh boy. That's spread the wealth a little here. What do you say? Spread what? I said spread the wealth. Well, as long as you don't tell me to spread my wealth. legs again you pervert oh shut up i heard that too up yours this is eddie he wants to party but they just hang up hello hey how's it going man hello hello hello what what the hell how could you

Hang up so quick I didn't even get to ask you to the barbecue. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and what a brilliant day for celebrity races. The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. And we have some wonderful celebrities running for you today.

In Gate 1, Barbara Streisand, actress, singer-producer Barbara Streisand. Christopher Reeve, former Superman, in Lane 2. Darth Vader, Darth Vader from the Dark Side, and Homer Simpson in Gate 1. They settled in, and there they go. The gate is open, and they're off. They're off. Barbara Streisand, running down the track. It looks like she's pulled out some signs and say, save the whales. Save everything, save everybody.

she's running down the track unbelievably she's in the lead with these giant picket signs in her hands her curly hair flowing in the breeze and christopher rebe is rolling rolling in his wheelchair he seems to be having a little trouble with some of the mud but he seems to be making headway Darth Vader seems to be effortlessly just walking down the track at a fast pace his black robe flowing in the wind behind him and Homer Simpson Homer Simpson is running down the track and it looks like he's run into the stands Homer Simpson stealing beer out of some of the patrons hands he's got a six-pack and a couple of cakes he's running down the track drinking and eating nachos and Darth Vader just walking quickly but steadily down the track. Barbara Streisett pulls ahead in front of him and Darth Vader does not look happy. He does not look happy.

Darth Vader. Levitator. He levitates her into the air and drops her into the mud. Lays her on the track right in front of Christopher Reeves. Here comes Christopher Reeves. Oh, he's rolled over Barbara Streisand and it looks like Darth Vader with a flick on his wrist has made Christopher Reeves back up.

He's backing his wheelchair over Barna's face. Oh, he's crushing her nose. Her curly hair getting pressed into the bottom. And then he's done it again. Christopher Reeves back and forth rolling across Barbara Streisand's spine and ribcage and now he's finally let go of the grip and Christopher Reeve rolls down the track and Homer Simpson it looks like he's drunk he's laying on the track and it looks like he's having a nap Homer Simpson having a nap he's resting his head on an empty beer can and a donut still stuck in his face it looks like

it's down to Darth Vader and Christopher Reeve looks like Christopher Reeve has pulled the tube out of his throat and he's bloated into Darth Vader's face. Darth Vader's mask coming with saliva he can't see. Darth Vader flips over the mass and Christopher Reeves rolls across the finish line. A wonderful finish right at the end and Barbara Streisand still writhing in agony in the middle of the track. Christopher Reeves still rolling, still rolling, he rolls right out of the walking line. He's been hit by a band.

Christopher Reeve wins and yet loses. Wonderful day at the races. I'm Charles. possibly. I know, I know. It's hard to picture our most beloved characters getting hurt or injured or having anything bad happen to them. You know, Christopher Reeve, beloved Superman, getting hit by a van in the parking lot. Okay, might be hard to visualize, might be hard to swallow, but, you know, I feel like our most beloved characters should have problems too, you know. Like Disney characters, they always seem so perfect, right?

I mean, I would love it if just for once a Disney character could suffer from back pain, you know, chronic lower back pain, you know, like pitcher Ballou from the Jungle Book. You know, that big blue bear, and he's dancing around in the jungle, suddenly gets some back pained. He's like, just get those bear necessities, those. simple bear necessities, forget about your worries and your fears. Yeah, man, just get those bare necessities, so a simple bear can rest it is, the bare necessities of life.

Right, he's just grabbing his back, arched back, his arms reaching back, writhing in pain. How about Aladdin, you know? He's flying around on a moonlit, starry night with a beautiful Persian woman. You know, everything's perfect. The crickets are chirping. He's floating through the sky. And he's like, it's a brave new world. Don't you dare close your eyes.

Ah! My back! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, right? They never get back problems, those Disney characters, man. What about a little Jimny Cricket, you know, with Pinocchio, being his conscience? When you wish upon a star makes no difference who you are. Because when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Gork, gha, my back, my little crickety back.

Everything deserves imperfections. Oh, God. Oh, well. Just food for thought. Right here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, get out the vacuum cleaner. It's dusty in here. Yeah, welcome to the Harlan Highway.

It's everywhere, man. You can go dust. By the time you finish dusting, there's more dust. It's like a never-ending snowfall. And I don't know if you ever heard this, but they say like 60% or something of all dust floating in the air as like human skin flakes and particles. Ew. That's like taking the urn off your mantle with the old Uncle Billy's ashes from the crematorium. And just like snorting them.

Let me see. Let me open this urn here. It's time for my head of dust. There we go. Oh, Uncle Billy. Oh, Antazalia. Oh, I'm getting my dust fix. Oh, I think I'll put the vacuum on reverse.

Here, let me see. I'll shove the hose of the vacuum right up my nose. Put it on reverse and flick it on. I don't know. Now it's getting creepy. I better go put on my little French maid outfit and do some spring cleaning. Okay, I've had it. I've met as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

And I think you'll probably be with me on this one, my podcast friends. Okay? People who are in line in front of you when you're trying to buy something. whether it's candies at the snack bar, whether it's paying for your car wash, whether it's getting your groceries. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The person in front of you is standing there and their tally comes up to $12.48 or $12.79. So what do they do instead of just

handing the lady a 20 and letting her speed through her cash register. Here's your change. Right? Just Bing, bang, boom. That's what she does all day. She takes money. She gives out change. She's really proficient.

She's very fast at it. She's got a whole till full of coins and bills. Boom, boom, boom, boom. But no, you got these people like, oh, my goodness. $12.98. Well, here, let me get you the 98 cents exactly. Here's a nickel. Here's another nickel.

Here's three dimes. Here's five pennies. Here's a quarter. Here's three more. Nichols. Here's 14 more pennies. And what's that? Oh, 98 cents. Another eight pennies. One, two, three, four. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I don't hate anyone in life, but I hate you people. Do you know how many times I've just wanted to go, you know what, I'll pay for their meal. Here, I'll pay for their groceries. Here, here's a $50 bill. I'll pay for it. That's how little patience I have for these people. What do they think they're accomplishing?

It's like, oh, my God, my wallet, I'll clean it out. I'll clean all the change out. Watch this. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Meanwhile, everyone's waiting behind them, and they're fishing around for just the right currency, a penny or a nickel. Oh, my God. Knock it off.

Knock it off, okay? Just hand someone a 10 or a 5 or a 20. Let the professionals deal with the change. Not you nimble fingers, O'Reilly. And their cash is right there in the till at the ready. Yours is buried in a pouch that Robin Hood gave you or Shrek the troll carries under his kilt. Right?

It's never just there. like digging into the bottom of a change purse or fishing around in the bottom of your purse or digging through your wallet it's like wait i know i have it somewhere what is that three more pennies just pay okay there i've set it now let's move on it's prom season in Missouri or Arkansas or some state where there's a lot of corn and scarecrow standing around. Apparently picked up his prom date in a tractor. Now, there's a lot of you probably going, oh, wow, lame, what a loser. Are you kidding me?

How fun would that be to go to your prom riding a John Deere? Some guy rides up in a tax big tractor chugging along. Any old guy can get a limo, man. What do you do? pick up the phone hi 1-800 limo yeah i need a white stretch limousine yeah with the mood lights and i want the sunroof typical seen it but a dude with a tractor now there's a guy with some originality you wail up there you're going down the highway and if you get going too fast who knows if you're riding in a manure spreader cops start to come up behind you just flick the switch

send a little bit of that liquid gold all over the road watch the cops swerve around like he's hitting an oil slick whoo-wooo-wooo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hull-h. Telling you, girls, go with the guy with the tractor. Good old John Deere prom. Let's go to the prom with, John Deere. Who's that? Oh, he's a big noisy fella.

Four wheels and a shovel. We'll just keep on shoveling it here on the Harlem Highway. And, you know, going to the prom on a tractor might not be such a bad idea because it's such a big vehicle, right? A big old, you know, get a harvester or a thrasher or a combine or something, one of those great big giant tractors. because, and this is serious, apparently prom night is one of the most deadly nights of the year for teenagers, for kids graduating from high school, because of, you know, a lot of the kids get drunk or they're out late or they get excited and they're being reckless and they're celebrating and you know how it is. You had a prom night. I was driving like an idiot on Prime Net. I wasn't driving drunk, but I was out on an open highway,

like weaving back and forth across all the lanes. There was no one there, but still you're excited. You're like stepping out of school and you're stepping into adulthood. And you're like, you don't know what to do. You've got this weird energy and all your schooling's behind you and you've got new lease on life. And you're like, ugh. um so without trying to sound like your dad here kids if you're listening um wear your seatbelts

don't drink and drive uh just be a little more attentive uh play it a little safer on your prom night and uh you know what i always do i always tend to watch traffic coming the other way when it's getting late or if it's a Saturday night or you're out in the country or you know I kind of don't take for granted that the car coming at me is just going to stick to his lane so when I see a car getting close and it's late at night I kind of watch their headlights and I kind of have my mind on okay if they start coming into my lane I'm going on to the shoulder or I'm going to weave around the other side of them or I kind of have an escape plan not that. that it would work, but I have one.

So anyways, this is me being serious just for a tad here. Very rare. You better take note of this. It's very rare I'm ever serious. But honestly, be careful on your prom night, be extra vigilant. If someone looks like they've been drinking and they insist on driving, just stand up for yourself, stand up for the other kids. and, you know, just say, look, I haven't been drinking.

I'm going to drive, okay? And you know what? Make that the rule whenever you're out having fun. There, I've done the father thing. Oh, I better go, you know, eat my pablum and go put my dentures in the cup beside my orthopedic bed. All right, it's not that bad, but is it wrong for me to care about you, huh? after all, I am the host of the Harlan Highway, so I do know a little something about highways.

So be careful. God love you, and congratulations for finally making it through high school, you knuckleheads. All right, this is for all the guys listening. All right, I want to talk to you guys about nails. Yeah, I said nails. I'm not talking about Isle 4 at Home Depot. nails the kind of you hammer into wood talking about your toenails how many of you are getting ready

to go to your first barbecue or your first pool party and you strip the old smelly socks off and you got these long orange abonable snowman Howard Hughes Frito's corn chip toenails yuck they got jagged edges could probably cut through glass with them. Probably Freddy Kruger laid eyes on them. He'd fall in love with you. Just a little reminder, guys. Get those nails in shape.

You know, summer's here almost. The whole world's gonna see them. Okay, guys, pedicure. Drive down the Harlan Highway, right to the pedicure and the manicure shop. Time to get the old corn chips chopped off. Good luck. And don't chew on them.

You ever do that by mistake, guys, right? You let the toenails grow a little long. You know, guys don't necessarily pay attention to that stuff, you know? A lot of girls don't either, I hate to say it. But girls tend to make a big thing out of their nails. There's a whole industry built around women's nails. I'd go so far as to say that probably six, 60% or more of women get their nails tend to do at some point in time.

And men, I'd say, probably less than 4% get their nails taken care of. When I say that, I mean, go to like a nail shop or a salon or buy, you know, nail polish or whatever. So guys tend to let them grow a little long. And guys, have you ever done this? And I think you all have. And if you haven't, then maybe you're gay. But, you know, you let the nails grow a little long. You're under the sheets with the lady.

You're frolicking around, or you're trying to sleep, and you think, oh, I think I'll wrap my leg around her leg and cuddle up. And I think I'll rub her shin with my foot and just let her know that I'm here. And you go in for the under the shun. Sheets, uh, foot action, and you're like, Uh-oh. Yeah, your long nail, like, cuts are open. Like a fisherman cuts open the belly of a carp.

Just like, Ah, what the hell is that? I'm just trying to cuddle up, baby. Yeah, we'll get some friggin' needle and thread. I need stitches, you freak. Sorry. right guys you've all done it you scrape the inside of her leg or her shin you know you have and you never say anything and she kind of doesn't say anything because she you know it's an embarrassment so it's all just kind of hush hush

right yeah you know what i'm talking about corn chips so uh take the time um saw saw your damn toenails off. I don't even remember there's a scene in Dumb and Dumber, the movie Dumb and Dumber, when the guys are getting all groomed to go to the big party. There's a scene where they're getting their toenails cut, and they're like huge. That's

what it's like. So make the effort, boys. Don't cut your lady open and get damn claws cleaved off. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know.

The government doesn't want you to know that if you have a hardwood floor and you fill it with hair plugs, yes, I'm talking about real human hair. If you fill your hardwood floor full of hair plugs, you will have a beautiful, lush, thick shag carpet. Raid out of 1972. The government doesn't want to do. you to know. I mean, come on, come on. Now, won't you hey? Come on, come on now. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hyland Williams. Yes, it is me, Harlan Williams. Um, and if you want to see Harlan Williams live, uh, doing some stand-up comedy and some bad Christopher Wacken impressions. Okay, why do I even try doing impressions? I don't know because you're really bad at it. Yeah, horrible. I will be, ladies and gentlemen, I will be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory, which is in Long Beach, California, just south of the city of Los Angeles. Angeles. I will be there June 17th to the 19th. One show Thursday, two shows Friday,

two shows Saturday. Really good time. Going to be giving it my all down at the old Long Beach Laugh Factory. If you want to get tickets, you can go to the laughfactory.com or laughfactory.com. It's one of the other. It's the laughfactory.com or laugh factory.com. I don't know these things. It's only three letters. You can figure it out. But go on their website and click the Long Beach Club, and you can get your tickets right there online.

It's a modern day miracle. Yes, it's the Information Super Highway. And you can come check me out doing my shows. And don't forget, if you haven't got my new book yet, The things you don't know, you don't know. It is available at the web store here at Harlan Williams.com. It's $20, I believe, and I personally autograph each copy. Send it off to you.

And it's a great read, a great bedtime book. It's a great airplane book. It's not a big reading commitment. You can kind of pick it up and put it down whenever you want. and hopefully it provides you with some great chuckles, some good insights. It's only 20 bucks. Please pay with a $20 bill, no change accepted. And until next time, my friends, I remain your humble host of the Harlan Highway, me, Harlan Williams.

And until we meet again, Chicken Chow, Maine. baby.