The Harland Highway - PODCAST 126

Episode Date: June 18, 2010

Tornadoes, Africa, Stretching, and something we all need, good manners. Somebody tell Paul Mcartney. Thundering walnut sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Baby, we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere. Yeah, we can talk all night, and I can talk all day, but I'm not. I only got half an hour here, so why am I wasting it singing meatloaf songs? I don't know. There's enough other things to deal with to talk about here on the Harland Highway. Welcome, by the way. I am your host, Harlem Williams. just amazing to have you here glad we can spend this time together over the next 30 minutes we're going to be talking about all kinds of stuff we're going to be talking about those morons that chase tornadoes right through the wheat through the fields they get in their station wagons and their minivans and they chase tornadoes we've got to get into that we're going to be talking about africa the dark continent

Have you ever been to Africa? We're going to be talking about stretching. You know, when you stretch your body. And then I'm going to go off on a rant towards the end of the show. Paul McCartney, the pop singer, made some insulting comments at the White House a few weeks ago. And it just hit me the wrong way. So we're going to talk about that and all other things here on the Harlan. Highway

You just made a wrong turn On you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Rapspin and I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy

Okay, I got to start the show off on a high note today. Okay, this is what makes what I do all worth it, okay? Which is, you know, I try to make you people laugh. Try to bring people a giggle, a little joy, a little levity into their lives. So I'm walking down Sunset Boulevard today in Hollywood, and there's one guy on the sidewalk. I guess he was standing in front of his store, you know, 30 probably a 40 year old man with two little dogs and me being a dog lover as I'm walking by

I stop and I bend down and I pet the dogs and they're jumping on me their little you know tiny little toy absso lapsos or whatever the hell they're called right and when I stand up the guy looks at me with kind of this stunned look and he goes oh my god oh my god and I'm like what what and he goes can i can i just tell you can i just tell you thank you and i go uh for what he goes for all the laughter you have given me for all the joy honestly thank you thank you for the years of doing what you do for the laughter and i you know i i i'm kind of humbled i'm kind of embarrassed I'm stymied. You know, I don't know what to say to the guy,

so I just kind of, you know, humbly say thank you. But inside, I'm just, I'm like a volcano. I'm bubbling with joy. And not because I got recognized, not because of my own ego, not because of it being about me. It was about him. It was seeing that guy's face light up,

seeing him smile, seeing him say what he said, hearing him say what he said, just from the depths of his heart, from having no agenda, just you can see it. The guy lit up. And by doing that, he lit me up. He made my day. And, you know, he said that I made his day. But you know what? I'm going to say he made my day probably more because, yeah, it's been a lot.

lot of years, a lot of comedy, a lot of funny movies, a lot of stand-up, a lot of specials and all that stuff. And it's just nice to know. So I'm not going to drag this on. I already have a little bit, but I just want to reiterate that it's such a joy to bring hopefully some laughter to you folks. I'm so happy you're here listening. And I just just want you to know that for whatever amount of appreciation you give to me or the show or anything, believe me, I do give it back. It's a reciprocal relationship here where, you know, you get something, I definitely get something from putting a smile on your face.

And there you go. So thank you to the stranger on the sidewalk, and thanks again to you people. Now, let's put a cork in my pie, okay? Let's put a cork in my pie hole, my lava hole, whatever the hell I'm talking about. And let's get to some chuckles. It's a twister! It's a twister! Okay. What do tornado chasers do when tornado season is over?

Okay, because we are in the middle of tornado season, and I am watching the news, and here's these numb skulls. and their Ford focuses, whaling down the highway, driving into the tornadoes. Well, everyone's going the other way. I'm going to take some pictures of the swirling funnel cloud. Boy, oh boy, what a hobby. I sure am glad I gave up the stamp collecting. I'll drive straight into that funnel. So long, idiot.

I mean, what are they doing the office? off-season. Well, there's no more tornadoes. I guess I'll go to Africa and run around naked on the plains of the Kalahari wrapped in bacon. See if I can track down a few lions. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I know I'll wrap myself in grass and lettuce and coleslaw and wander into that elephant pack. Oh, yeah, Africa, man. I got to talk to you people about Africa. Okay, I don't know if you've ever been there, if you've ever had the desire to go there, if you want to go there, if you're scared of it.

I'm just going to say, without telling you how to live your life, without ordering you around like I could anyways, right? But I'm going to drop a suggestion in your suggestion box. Hello. If you get a chance to go anywhere in the world, go to Africa, man. Get your canned Africa. it is an enchanting mystical country and I'm not talking about the cities

and the urban dwellings and the tribal villages no skip all the humanity okay I'm talking about getting out into nature getting out on safari you have no idea how beautiful it is, how vibrant how alive

that country is When you're out there in nature and you're literally part of the food chain. I'm telling you, I've been all over the world and Africa is just, I don't know. It's like a feeling came over me. You know when you're falling in love with a girl or if you're a girl with a guy and you get that kind of spiritual, mystical feeling inside you? You're like, what's happening? What's inside me? Are there dragonflies inside me? What's happening? You kind of get that when you land in Africa.

It's got a vibe, man. It's got a really cool vibe. At least, that's what I experienced. And it's weird because, you know, I'm a white boy. I'm a white man. And they kind of say that Africa is the cradle of civilization. And like I said, I've been all over the world. But when I set foot in Africa, It was weird. I mysteriously felt like I had come home. Now, I know you're probably laughing. That's ridiculous.

But honestly, I stepped off the plane and put my feet down on African soil. And this weird kind of mystical vibe came over where I just ran. Wow. I'm home. it was very peculiar I've never been anywhere else where that had happened I wonder if it'll happen to you I don't know

I can only hope because it was kind of magical and when you get there and you see how connected nature is and how all the species live together and with every breath every step it could be the end you could die you can be killed you can be the prey, you can be the predator. It's just like, oh, it's fascinating. So for all of you who have been curious,

who have thought about going to Africa, if you ever get the time and the money, do it, man. And that's just a suggestion for me. Harlem Williams here, your worldly host. One, two, three, stretch. Two, three, stretch. Four, five, stretch. Oh, doesn't that feel good?

Don't you love stretching? Oh, come on, do it. Put your arms over your head, even if you're driving. Stretch. Open your sunroof and stretch your arms right up into the sky. Stretch. Oh, don't you love to stretch? Doesn't that feel good?

Oh, yeah. Bend your neck. Bend your neck. Stretch your neck to the side. Just bend it. Ow! Oh, my God. Did you just hear that snap?

Who cares? Let's bend it to the other side. Come on. Ben, bed. Ow! Ow! Isn't stretching nice? Let's bend to the side now.

your waist to the side stretch it out this is really good for your spine and your pelvic girdle and your oh isn't stretching fun it's the harlan highway okay i i'm all stretched out i hope you are too oh ow i got to get to the hospital oh yeah doesn't stretching feel good huh come on people you know it does right you're sitting at your desk or you're watching tv or you just woke up you're laying in bed and you just kind of stretch that body out you put your arms back over your head in your chair you reach up to the sky and you're just like ah feels good man feels good or you ever get a massage and the massage and the massage Zeus, like, stretches you.

It's like you're on the Iron Maiden and a torture chamber. She, like, grabs your legs or your fingers or your arms and just pulls them. And you're like, are you crazy woman? Are you nuts? You get...

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, keep pulling, man. Hell, followed quickly by O, is hello. You ever do a stretch though and you stretch so hard or so long or so far that your muscle locks up so you're like ah ow the hell i can't bend my neck anymore you ever get that one where you get the arch of your foot or it just locks up you're like stretching your foot and then all of a sudden

it hurts right or you know in the middle of the night you get that charlie horse in your leg or oh nothing worse than your muscles locking up especially when you're in the middle of making love darling um and uh speaking of stretching it let me shift gears here man Here's where sometimes people stretch out their welcome a little longer than they deserve. I don't know if you caught this. This story is like a couple of weeks old, but I'm going to get into it because it came up today, and it reminded me of how it rubbed me the wrong way, how it stretched me the wrong way. I'll say it a couple of weeks ago now, the president, Obama,

his wife were amassed in the White House Library with all the, you know, all the regular crowd, all his cronies and his ministers and his, you know, everybody was there. It was a who's who, how do you do of Washington, right? And Paul McCartney was there given like almost a private performance for the the president and his gang and his posse and you know they bestowed all these awards on Paul McCartney and Obama got up and gave a speech and oh you did this you did that you wrote hey Jude you know we all love Paul McCartney and then Paul McCartney you know gets his awards now it's his time to stand on the microphone and you know he looks good and he seems gracious

and he seems appreciative and he looks genuinely happy to be there because, you know, at this point in his life, what award doesn't that guy have, right? So Paul McCartney gets up there and here comes his big thank you and he throws this and he goes, this is a wonderful award. I'm so happy to have this award. I'm especially happy to get this award from this president

and he points to Obama, I'm really happy to get this award from this president and it's nice to have a president in command who actually knows what a library is. Right? And then people classlessly start applauding in the audience. So here's this guy in the White House, which is pretty much the president's critical,

You might want to show a little respect to the institution of the President of the United States. Yeah, I'm sniffling. And this guy comes out and slams obviously George Bush, you know, pretty much saying that he has no concept of what a library is, that he's obviously not well-versed, that he doesn't know what a book is, he's uneducated, basically he's a backwards doofus. Okay? Now, first of all, just wrong to say that.

And whether you like Bush or hate Bush, there's a time and a place. To do it then and there in front of the current president, in front of all the important Washington, you know, hobnoblers. It's just a sheep. shot man and and how does obama even uh feel good about that it's not like you can cut to obama and mccartney goes at least this president knows what a library is you can't see obama sitting there going oh yeah you go you go come on do some more bush material man this is great ha hilarious yo bro mccartney you are hilarious man keep it coming keep slamming

Bush. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Like Obama can't put that face on?

Because Obama's the president, man. He's got to show some respect. So it's just uncomfortable. Obama's probably sitting there with his handovers. I was like, oh, God, oh, God, stop it, stop it. And so here's what I'm going to say about it. And I'm going to take the political equation out of it because I'm neither for Bush or against Bush.

I was for some of the stuff he did. I was against some of the stuff he did. Same with Obama. I like Obama. I don't like some of the stuff he's doing. I count a president or a person on the merit of what they do and what they don't do. I give them credit for the good or no credit for the bad.

I don't base it on a political party. I base it on what they accomplish, what they stand for, blah, blah, blah. And everyone is good and bad, okay? Now, that being said, George W. Bush carried around the stigma of being a doofus. okay um maybe he didn't come off as the smartest guy in the world um his father george senior i couldn't stand that guy if you look back on any public speech or speaking engagement he had he always fumbled words he always kind of stuttered he always looked uncomfortable he he did not come off as educated to me just like his son maybe the

The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, right? So I never liked George Sr. I kind of like George Jr. a little better just because he was kind of had that goofy kind of charm to him. Now, again, I'm not saying I'm Democrat, I'm Republican. It doesn't matter. Take that out of the equation, okay? But let's just look at a man who was elected president for two terms. Now anyone out there listening

Whether you hate them or love them Do you really think That George Bush is the type of guy That 24-7 Doesn't know how to read Doesn't know how to add You know, scribbles on a chalkboard You know, can't find places on a map

Doesn't understand economics Has no political vision Has no grasp of society like do you really think that guy is just a complete tarred

and for those of you who are sitting there going yeah he is well you're basing that on your emotion you're basing it on your dislike for the man you're basing it on all kinds of propaganda and slanted news reports

and all you've just made up your mind to hate the guy so take away your hate take away your dislike for the guy and just ask yourself do you really think that this guy was sitting in the Oval Office he made it through eight years and it was just a fluke that he was completely dumber than you or me or a fourth grade kid in every area in every aspect of knowledge so the guy couldn't say no nuclear, and maybe he, you know, flubbed some speeches, flubbed some lines.

You know, do you really think he's so dumb that he doesn't know what a library is? I just think it's, you know, and again, I'm not pro-Bush or anti-Bush, or it doesn't matter to me. I couldn't care less. I'm neutral. I don't have any party affiliations, but I'm not going to sit here. whether it's Obama or it's Bush or it's Reagan or it's Carter. I can't sit here and listen to some British pop star celebrity you know, degrade a sitting or a president that held the highest office in the world for eight years

and insinuate that the guy has no grasp of a library or a book. and to insult the guy's intelligence, and in turn insult our intelligence, America's intelligence. And don't forget, there's a huge swath of people that voted for Bush, that care about Bush, that like Bush, that don't think he's a doofus. So I'm just saying, you know, McCartney,

and for any of you would be McCartney's out there, Before you make comments like that, just really think about what you're saying and think about where it's coming from and why you're saying it. Because in a way, it just makes you look like a doofus. You know? It's like, let's put you in the Oval Office, okay?

If you're so willing, Paul McCartney, you wrote Yellow Submarine and Hey Jude and, you know, the lovely Rita, and, you know, all those Beatles songs, I want to hold your hand. Let's put you behind the desk in the Oval Office, and let's see you take care of business. Let's see you manage the most powerful country in the world. Let's see you delegate,

and let's see you make major decisions that affect the whole planet on a daily basis. Come on. Put down your electric keyboard. and your Les Paul guitar. And let's see you maneuver through the Middle East. Let's see you deal with 9-11. Let's see you deal with Wall Street. Let's see you deal with no children left behind.

Let's see you deal with agriculture and global warming and all the things that stack up on a president. You know? It's like, oh, Bush is such a retard, because of Katrina. Yeah, he's a retar because of an act of God, and he was slow to pull the trigger on things, but it's all his fault,

just like the oil thing is all Obama's fault. You know, cut these guys a break. They're doing the best they can. They don't have crystal balls. They're having things of such magnitude throwing at them. That, you know, let Hughes without sin, the first stone or whatever the hell the saying is, man. It can't be easy.

But to take a man's legacy and in his own house, in his own White House, say, yeah, I bet this dumb-ass president, he didn't even know what a library is, man. It's like, come on, McCartney. Choose your spots, man. You know, it's one thing to maybe say that on an interview if you're being, you know, interviewed by Jimmy Fallon at 1230 at night.

Hey, Mr. McCartney, like, so what do you think of, you know, the United States political arena? Well, I don't think George Bush even knows what a library is. Ha, ha, that's funny, yeah. You're hilarious. It's like, great. Even then it's a bit of a cheap shot. But to do it in the library at the White House, in front of the sitting president and all the members of Congress, half of which who are Republicans that were part of George Bush's party.

Well, what's the point of that? And again, you know, because I know there's people listening and are like, you support Bush, you like that idiot? It's not a, get your mind out of that. you're stuck, you're glued on all your propaganda about political parties and political personalities. That's not what I'm talking. I'll strip that away. This is just about a man who was elected into an office trying to do a job, Republican or Democratic.

You don't slap them down like that. when despite all his dropped balls or all his fumbles, which every president has, you've got to think about the impact of good things and positive things and just the fact that they held a country together. They ran a country for eight years. How are you doing managing your own checkbook? How's that savings account with $12,000 in it over at Wells Fargo doing?

okay how's uh juggling your phone bill and your heating bill and your tv bill and getting your kids to school how's that going for you not easy right so uh why don't every day you wake up and try and juggle the united states of america and the rest of the planet oh i wonder if he knows what a library is you know what up yours mccartney oh christ Have a little respect, man. Listen to me going off. I just don't like the cheap shots from the cheap seats, man. It's like you were invited to this place,

and this country, the sitting president, they invited you to bestow respect on you, to hold you up, to give you praise. And in return, you turn around and slam. the United States president. Not cool. You know, that's like, let's say, Brad Pitt, you know, or who's one of our, let's say Bruce Springsteen,

one of our most treasured musicians. Let's say Springsteen gets awarded a big award over in the UK, and he's at the prime minister's house. And he's sitting there on the prime minister's house. minister sitting there and Bruce Springsteen goes, yeah, how about that Margaret Thatcher? What a bull dyke she is, huh?

I wonder if that chick's ever been laid. You know what I mean? It's just why would you do that? Why would you Mr. Springsteen? We love your music. We want to give you an award for all your accomplishments. We love you.

We praise you. You've brought so much joy and artistry. into our lives. Here you go. A big gold, shiny British award. Oh, thank you very much. And, uh, how about that Margaret Thatcher? Huh? I bet even a Rottweiler wouldn't plow

that chick. Um, okay, uh, thank you, uh, Mr. Springsteen. Call me boss. Uh, thank you, boss. Right?

So there you go. Show us some manners. Leave your political viewpoints at the door. Unless you want to get into politics and be a politician, you probably really don't know that much about it. You play a guitar every night. You sing your little pop songs. Are you really that well-versed in the ways of the world?

Are you really that political? I doubt it. I don't think George Bush could play or sing with the Beatles. so why don't you stop trying to play politics in the White House Library? I rest my case. I'm a little pissed. I might be rambling a little, but hey, you're always free to share your thoughts. 323-215-1486. Don't politicize it.

I don't want to hear about Democrats, Republicans, George, whatever. Keep it on top. if you want to make a comment about it and look at that we end the show today on uh you know a hot topic me all fired up and uh who cares there's nothing wrong with that that's what it's all about because anything can happen here on the harland highway uh harland yeah oh i just wanted to ask you something yeah what is it paul oh you You are you a fucking dildo? Okay, get him out of here.

No, really? I want to know. Are you a fucking dildo? Get him out. Hollin. Hey, dildo. Don't let me down. Oh, get him out!

All right, he wasn't really here, but I don't know why I went to that ending. It's like I slammed McCartney for 10 minutes, and then he turns around and burns me back. What the hell is that all about? I thought this was my podcast. How did McCartney get the last word? Because you're a dildo, Holland. Stop it. Anyways, that's all we have time for today.

You know, food for thought. Let me know your thoughts. 323-215-1486. And until next time, I'll meet you in the library in the etiquette section. And until then, chicken chow main, baby. Just before we leave, I want to just say one more time that it's a fantastic honor, the Gershwin family, to give me this incredible award,

and for me to be awarded it by the Library of Congress. And in fact, after the last eight years, it's great to have a president who knows what a library is.