The Harland Highway - PODCAST 127

Episode Date: June 21, 2010

The oil spill, sno-cones, Senior Fuentes, Government secrets, insurance. Poppin poppy seed cake!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

But Benny and the Jets. Dun, Dan, Dan, Dun, Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny and the Jet. Okay, I hope a jet flies down and hits me. Why am I singing that? No reason. No reason for anything except to laugh and enjoy yourself. And that's why we're here. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

And even if your name's Benny and you own a jet, you are welcome here um what a show we have today uh we're going to be talking about the oil leak in the gulf of mexico important topic right um we're going to be talking about snow cones which is another very important topic got to got to talk about snow cones it's long overdue um sadly i think uh my gardener senor fuentes is coming by annoying gardener that I might have to fire after today. We're also going to be talking about insurance. Do you have insurance, car insurance, health insurance, life insurance.

Do you really need it? Is there an underlying evil to the whole insurance thing? I don't know, but we're sure going to find out right here. So check your insurance. Make sure you're covered to listen to the Harland Highway because that's where you are right now with me, Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harlan Highway

Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Rapspin and I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Well, well, well, welcome everybody to the Harland Highway. And I guess I wanted to start out today with talking about something that's a little scary. It's not a comfortable topic to get into.

It's not a topic that everyone kind of wants to talk about around the dinner table. It's one of the... What? Excuse me. Oh, come on. What is he doing here? What is he doing here? Oh, come on.

What to get him out. Hello, senor. It's Senor Fentat. I know who you are. What do you... What do you... Senor Fentat. I know your name.

I am your gardener. signor i know you're my gardener what are you doing here again i am in the middle of a topic what is it topic senor a topic is when you have it what am i explaining it to you for what are you doing here oh i'm sorry to interrupt senor well yes you are interrupting what do you want you're my gardener why do you come into my studio i just wanted to let you know i got caught on your pricks seor excuse me i got caught on your prick What are you talking about? Well, Signor, I was working in the garden, trimming the bushes, right?

Yes. And one of your bushes with prickles on it, prick me. I got caught on your prick. Okay, don't say you got caught on my, on your prick? On a prick, a prick. It's not my prick. Well, it's your bushes, isn't it, signor? Yes.

Well, that would make it your prick. Stop it. Stop what, Senor? Stop talking about my prick. You mean the fact that your prick was in me? What? Your prick went right into me, senor. Oh, it hurt.

It went in deep. It was very deep. Your prick was in so deep it was bleeding. Okay. What do you want me to do about it? Well, I was wondering, senor, if you want me to continue trimming. It's very precarious. Oh, so now you know big words.

What, precarious? Yes. precarious what do you want well i just wanted to let you know seor that i had to pull your prick out with a pair of tweezers okay good you you pulled by a prick you pulled my prick out with a pair of tweezers yeah it wasn't too hard it's very small senor pardon me your prick is very small okay get what do you want it's not very big it was a

small brick but i'm telling you it hurt hurt deeply all right can you just get back to the house and finish your job see senor I just wanted to let you know you told me to tell you if anything goes wrong yeah but I didn't mean you come in here okay signor I will get back to your prick stop it stop what signor stop referring to it okay go finish up with my prick oh seor that's dirty Get out of here! I don't want anything to do with your pricks,

and get out! Unbelievable! It really is a small pricks, Signore. Get out of here! Probably the smallest one I've ever seen, I can barely get it into the tweezers. Get out! Welcome to...

The government doesn't want you to know. The government doesn't want you to know that all the missing people in the world are on a giant underground treadmill, making electricity for the rest of us, walking day in and day out on a big, moving treadmill, generating power for those of us that aren't missing. The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, won't you hay now come on

snow cones here get your snow cones all right dude get out of my office snow cones get your snow cones we got ice cold snow cones here dude get out of my office

we got cherry we got grape we got lemon we got blueberry snow cones here get you snow cones dude I'm calling security We got We got butterscots We got peach We got licorice

We got sherburts Snow Cones Get your snow cones Dude I'm calling security Yep Security we got a snow cone guy Up here in my office What

Yeah He's guy selling snow cones He's got a little cart And it's playing the little music And he's annoying the hell out of me And my office is getting cold No this isn't a crank call Listen

Snowcoons here, get you snow codes. We got grape, snow codes. There, did you hear that? Yeah, he's right here in my office. What? How much? I don't know, 50 cents? Yeah, he's got grape.

No, I'm not kidding. I'm not getting you in order. Get this guy out of here. You'll be right up. Don't let him leave. You're dying for a little. snow cone you idiot snow cones here get your snow cones

get out of here dude would you like a snow cone all right I'm leaving snow cone ticket get you snow cones snow cones here get your snow cone goodbye okay forget about snow cones I got something

more important to talk about and it's probably long overdue but here I go the oil spill and it's a not even a spill. Everyone keeps saying the big oil spill in the Gulf. It's a leak. It's an oil leak. And it is frustrating, man. It is frustrating that that happened. All that oil gushed out sitting on the surface of the water. And I'll tell you what, man, you know, with the price of gas and oil these days, this is what I do. If I live down in that region on the Gulf, here's

Here's what I do to help solve the problem, but take care of myself at the same time. With the price of gas, I would take my car, right? I would wrap it in 1973 shag carpet. Okay? I'd just wrap my whole car. I'd wrap myself in a sham-wow rag. You know, you've seen that idiot on TV, the sham-wow? I'd just wrap my whole body, a jump in my shag-covered car.

I'd aim for a black pelican standing on the surface of the ocean. Yeah, that's right, standing on the gunk, and I'd just aim for it and drive. I'd probably have enough oil for the rest of my life once I drove out of that calamity. Good Lord. It's just hard. It's hard to see all the critters that are getting killed.

You know, that we got bad. black pelicans we got black turtles we got black seagulls we got black crabs you ever go to a restaurant a seafood restaurant and have a blackened catfish or blackened tuna it's an actual recipe well guess what for the next seven years everything you order on a seafood menu is going to be blackened uh waitress could i get some uh nice salmon please uh nicely pink uh yeah Would you like that blackened? Uh, no, just nice and clean. Well, too bad, it's blackened.

What? Well, how about some nice, fresh scallops? Blackened? No, not blackened. Well, they're going to be. Oh, okay. I don't have a choice. Not really.

It's like everything's going to be blackened, man. Your kids go in the water for a swim. I want to go for a swim, mommy. Yay! jump in the ocean they come out they're completely black oh my god they're going to look like that guy i don't know if you ever saw there was a zombie movie there was some zombie movie and i forget the name of the character but there was some zombie guy who had been dead so long that his skin turned black and he just walked around he's like brains must eat brands that's what we're all going to look like man

Just that black zombie guy. Oh, now the oil's going to be washing up on the shore for years, right? Soaked into the sand, into the plant life. It's going to throw off the whole ecosystem. The fish are going to come out, deformed, retarded. You know, what's a retarded fish going to be like? Oh, uh, you know, doesn't know that it's supposed to stay in the water. wandering inland at night.

Hey, Bill, come here. What is it? I'm watching TV. I'm telling you, come here. What is it? It's better be good. There's a school of tuna in the backyard playing in the sandbox. What the hell? Right? They're just going to be disoriented, non-functional.

Oh. And isn't it a warning call? Isn't it maybe, I don't want to sound like a jack? But secretly, maybe wasn't this a good thing? And when I say that, I'm talking big picture. I'm talking long term. Of course, it's not a good thing that the oil came out and it's destroying so much. But isn't it a good thing in terms of what a wake-up call?

Isn't it time we woke up and realized that the art of getting oil, extracting oil, from a mile down, two miles down in the ocean? or drilling on land, it's just an antiquated process. All the expense and the exploration and the work and the drilling and the possibility of environmental damage and then the cost of refining the oil and then the after effects of burning the oil. You know, haven't we been using that stuff long enough?

It's just such a gunky, gooey, long-winded, troublesome process. And then we wake up every day and you look in the sky and you're like, oh, what's that up there? Oh, yeah, the sun. The biggest burning giant ball of energy known to mankind. And gee, don't we know how to harness energy from the sun? Don't we have solar panels? Huh, interesting. But instead of laying these flat things up on my roof,

a roof, which is an area that never gets used anyways, it's wasted real estate, there's nothing on my roof but tiles. Gee, why not cover my roof with solar panels? No, no, no. And get free energy every day from the burning ball in the sky what leaves no emissions, no residue effect. We just absorb the heat.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. No, no, no, we can't do that. Let's drill. Let's drill and get gunky oil and go through. the whole mess. And yes, I know we don't have solar-powered cars, but look, there's other ways to make a car move. Haven't we seen one too many shows on the Discovery Channel, where there's an engine that runs on water,

there's an engine that runs on methane, there's an engine that runs on vegetable oil, there's an engine that runs on air, there's an engine that runs on steam, there's an engine that runs on... What isn't there an engine that runs off of something? You know, I could shove a bag of french fries in my tank and it would probably run. How about I trim my hair and shove that?

And, you know, there's so many alternate energy sources that, yes, they're obscure. Yes, they're foreign to us. But if someone put the focus in the energy that's put into creating manufacturing oil and gas products, don't you really think it's within the realm of human capability, of human possibility to really mine and manufacture an alternate fuel source, a clean fuel source? Of course we can. Look, at the day the oil runs out,

there will be something the next day to replace it. Believe me, humans aren't going to sit around and go, gee, what do we do? We're all out of oil. Oh, well, there goes the car. car there goes the light bulb there goes everything now you just watch how fast they have a replacement so maybe this oil spill is like a wake-up call it's like why are we still doing the same thing we did back in the 1700s the 1800s why are we still doing the messy old oil

BS thing maybe this will finally wake us up and say you know what enough time to move on we don't want oil from other countries we don't need to disrupt our ecosystem drilling our own oil we have the resources to move on we put a man on the moon we created electricity we created peanut butter come on so there you go and to all you black birds out there please don't fly into my window because you know nothing worse than a flying into your window and just sticking right soon all our homes are just going to have like hundreds of stuck birds to our glass just keep it the old way you fly into my window you hit it you fall down you shake your head you fly away so there you go um I better go uh

all the oil out of my car. I've decided no more oil for me. I don't know how far my car's going to get, but I'm sure I'll get a few feet. Right down the Harland Highway. Hi. Hi, this is Harlan

Williams with another friendly reminder from the Harland Highway. Remember, folks, if you stuff your laptop computer, into the freezer for two hours and then take it out it's not going to slow your computer down you're not going to make

the internet cold the only thing that's going to happen is your fingers are going to get stuck to the keys and you're going to look like a schoolyard jackass so keep your laptop out of the freezer just another friendly reminder from me

Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway Affleck! Affleck! Affleck! Why are we buying our car, home, life, and health insurance from barnyard animals, from reptiles, from the Brazilian rainforest? Would you buy a wedding ring from a cow?

Would you get a mortgage from a goat? What's with the Geico guy? Okay, this is a tropical lizard And yet somehow he's from the UK He's from London He's the guy cow lizard Look, mate, if you want to buy some car insurance You buy it from me

A greasy lizard Who's not even in the right country I mean, what the hell's going on, man? Well, we bring the Budweiser frogs back Incher ants I mean, what's next, man? We'll be buying fast food from a chihuahua. I don't know, man.

I think I might just go down to the farm and pick myself up a rooster and have them do my financial planning for me. So what you're telling me is to buy? Oh, really? And what about gold? Should I be buying bullion? Oh, yeah, okay. What about silver?

Oh, beautiful. Yeah, he's bloody beautiful, isn't it? Shut up, Lizard. Look, I just want to give you some stock tips, mate. I don't want to hear from you. Go eat some flies. Ooh, that sounds delicious. Ah, quack.

Amplak. Tell you what, man, I'm going to buy that aflag goose and go make myself some soup. Aflak! Man, insurance is frustrating, though, right? It's such a weird thing. It's almost like gambling. You know how you go to Vegas and you put down, like, you know, even if you put down 25 bucks on the blackjack table,

you get that feeling in your stomach. You're like, oh, my God, am I going to win? Am I going to lose? Is it 50-50 here? Well, what's going to happen? And it's like you make that gamble with your money. You're not sure if you're going to get a return, right? And it's kind of like insurance.

It's kind of sucks because, you know, how many times in your life do you get in a car accident or your house burns down or you die? How many times do you die in your life, right? But yet you spend all this money weekly, monthly, yearly, preparing for this stuff in the event of you just throw this money on the table. And it's like, well, nothing happened to me in October. Chick-ching.

Nothing happened to me in November. Chiching. Nothing happened to me in December. Chiching. Cut to 12 years later. Nothing happened to me for 12 years. Chick-ching. Affleck.

Shut up. Up yours. So it's just weird. You almost feel like you're throwing your money away. And you almost wonder, you know, you spend all this time on car insurance, all these years. And you think, what would cost more? okay 40 years of car insurance which costs me like you know what two grand three grand a year versus i get in a fender bender or i get in a car accident i total some guy's car

maybe i owe like 20 grand that's high end 30 grand i end high end but usually isn't it more than like more around like 10 or 12 grand So if you're paying $3,000 a year for 40 years, okay, I feel like you're paying a lot more than any damage you could ever do. Now, that being said, that doesn't cover you for litigation, for lawsuit, for personal injury, but, oh, you're just sitting there throwing it away, and then you throw the money on your house and the fire insurance and the theft insurance and the natural disaster insurance.

then you throw the money on your health where you're banking on yourself and yet you go out and eat like a pile full of bacon and a whopper junior and a bag of potato chips so at least you know that when you die you got some money coming huh that one's the weirdest one to me

life insurance man especially if you're single right like well I guess I better cover myself. In the event I'm dead, I might want to leave a little something, something to me. Huh? Then here's the other downer, and you're seeing a lot of this, especially in American society, where you get life insurance on your spouse, your partner, your lover, your husband, your wife, whatever, and you're seeing a lot of this now.

They go tits up, and you're suddenly a millionaire. right it's like holy smokes talk about an incentive let's see i got a i got a nagging wife or an alcoholic husband i hate coming home to them we don't make love anymore we're struggling to pay the bills he drinks too much she bitches too much none of us are happy in our lives we live in a dump we're not going anywhere we're never going to climb the corporate ladder kind of found our lot in life. We don't even really like each other anymore.

We're kind of together for the kids. But wait a minute. If he or she disappears, I'm suddenly a millionaire? That's like a guaranteed lottery ticket right there. Wait, I've been playing scratch and win my whole life. I think I won a bag of cookies and $40 once. So you're telling me of my high. husband or wife actually falls over the side of the boat or rolls down the cliff or goes

jogging and doesn't come home i can suddenly buy that yacht and that house in beverly hills that i wanted holy smokes i really don't like his breath anymore and she is uh kind of getting a lot of cellulite huh wait a minute look at this i'm seeing here uh Here's a vacation package to the Maldives, all-inclusive, three grand a night, live like a king, or I can stay here in a white trash central or kick around in this false illusion of a relationship I have. Huh, gee, what should I do here?

I mean, I know it's morbid and it's kind of creepy, but, you know, this is the type of environment, And this is the type of a scenario that insurance companies have created for, you know, couples, for people living together, for people who have to tolerate each other for their whole lives. So I don't know, man. Hopefully you're not seeing this as a good thing. Do you hear me, O.J. or Scott Peterson, or any of you, whack jobs that exterminate your partners just so you can go get the Lotus or the Corvette Stingray

you've always wanted? Wow. All right. Don't go there, people. Keep it light. Keep it funny. Enjoy life. And that's why you're here on the Harland Highway to kick back, relax, have a laugh. I don't want to see anyone go missing on my watch. Hi, this is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway with another friendly tip. Are you finding you don't have enough time in your week to get things done? Spend time with your family. Do the chores that you need to do. Well, here's a time-saving tip.

Cut out all sleep. Yes, stop wasting time with eight or nine hours of sleep at night. stay up 24 hours a day spend time talking with your kids at 4 in the morning cut the lawn at 2 a.m. Do the things you need to get done all day and all night long yes by simply cutting out sleep

you'll be a more productive person just another friendly tip for me Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy No, I'm not your daddy. You wish. I am your host, Harlem Williams, for the Harland Highway podcast, and I hope you had a smashing good time today, baby.

Affleck! Shut up! Up yours! Shut up! I know I had a fun time. I hope you certainly did. And don't forget, you can pick up my book, my wonderful book that's been doing,

quite well getting a good response from the folks called the things you don't know you don't know available in my web store at harlem williams.com each copy is personally autographed by yours truly um and uh i think you'll get a chuckle out of it but uh that's all the time we have for today so no more check link your laughter is done for the day uh you'll have to tune in next to get more right here on the Harland Highway and until next time my friends chicken chow name baby