The Harland Highway - PODCAST 128

Episode Date: June 23, 2010

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In the white room with black curtains and a cranberry beanbag chair. What am I? An interior designer? No. No, no, no, no, no. Not me. I am just designing a podcast here for you. That's all I want to do. And the only interior I want to do is getting inside your minds. Yes, I, Harlan Williams, want to creep inside your mind. and what a show we have today to do it. I think our friend Eddie's going to be here, reaching out to the community to get his party on.

And I'm going to be pushing your buttons today. I'm going to be talking about America being the greatest country in the world. Could get heated here. Could get heated. We're going to be talking about thongs. What could be more important than thongs, people, right? we will be talking about pot I guess the pot is getting stronger

and it's becoming more accessible here in our towns and our communities and then I might need some pot because two of the most annoying guests I ever have Cinnamon Boy is coming in to sing and Dr. Ascot is here because it's Friday good Lord, what a freak but hopefully we'll get through it just fine

And we usually do, because we're always in control. Or are we right here on the Harland Highway? You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy This is Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up Hello Hey man, how's it going? It's Eddie

Eddie Yeah, it's Eddie I was gonna see if you wanted to grab a beer or something Are you got the right number? Oh, yeah. Looking to maybe throw a barbecue together, have some ribs, corn on the cob and stuff. What number you're calling?

Who are you looking for? I just, I'm a lonely. I'm looking for someone to have a barbecue with, man. Maybe a beer? No, you got the wrong number. Well, just one beer? No, sorry. Please, just one beer.

What? That was Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up What is thong with this picture Yeah I said thong How about the girls that wear the thongs That kind of ride up outside of their pants

They got the waistline of their jeans And then about four inches above that They got their thong line It's almost a headband And then when they bend over, God forbid, they drop something. That thong line creeps right up the back of their spine, pretty much on the back of their head. Like some kind of Spider-Man mask or something. Any guys out there wear the thongs?

Wouldn't that be creepy? Guys wandered around with their thongs sticking up out of their jeans. Imagine that. You had some like husky guy over from an air-conditioning. repair company or some guy had to fix your dishwasher you know how you get the plumber butt thing and he's working away under the sink there clank clank clank clank clank you take a peek over you think you're going to see some uh plumber butt instead he's got a purple thong on it's sticking up oh ah creepy i need a shower harland williams that was so thonged

That was so very thaw. Yes, that was so very thong or wrong. Here's something else that I think might be wrong, and some of you might not like this topic. Some of you might get your cinnamon twist in a quinkle over this topic. But I think it needs to be said. I think it needs to be talked about. Some of you might get upset about it,

but you know what? You should think long and hard before you do get upset about it. I'm going to throw it at the wall and some of you might agree with me. Some of you might disagree. That's what I like about doing the podcast. We get to put these topics out there.

But here we go. How often have you heard this saying? You've heard it from people on the news. You've heard it from talk show hosts. You've heard it from politicians. You've heard it. You hear it everywhere. You hear this.

The United States of America, the greatest country in the world. Right? You've heard it. You know what I'm talking about? Let's hear it again. The United States of America, the greatest country in the world. Okay, that is a pretty big statement. me okay that is a bold bold statement now here's where some of you may argue and feel free

but i'm going to tell you where i stand to announce that you're the greatest something in the world is i just think it's it's um bullheaded i think it's conceded i think it's brash I just think it's kind of rude. I mean, you know, Muhammad Ali used to do it for a fact. But he was a showman. He was an entertainer. He was an athlete. I'm the greatest athlete in the world.

I'm Muhammad Ali. I flow like a butterfly, and I stink like a bee. You know, okay, ha, ha. Yeah, you're the greatest. But in a world where we're dealing with strife and economics and war and incredible social issues and global tensions and the environment

and does any country have the right to stand up and boast that they're the greatest country in the world? I got to say that's a little embarrassing to me. Now, let me tell you this. I think America is a great country. You can't get much better than great.

I'll go, I will go, better. I'll say it's an excellent country. It's an unbelievable, incredible country, okay? There. There's my giant stamp of approval. But to stand up in front of the rest of the world and just, you know, boast that you're the best? Are we really the best? I mean, are we the country that dropped the nuclear bombs on Japan? Aren't we the country that has Bertie Madoff and Wall Street and Jeffrey Dalmer and Ted Bundy and Columbine and homeless people and Katrina and you know I can go on and on and on I'm going to list some of the big you know sore spots and I can sit here and list all the amazing spots

that we stand for freedom that we fight for truth justice and liberty and All that stuff. But are we forgetting slavery, or are we forgetting, you know, all kinds of things that aren't so great? I think there's a mixture of greatness and there's a mixture of stuff that's crap. And you know what? I think every other country in the world shares the same trait. But I guess I just have a problem. When you stand up and say you're great in front of the world.

the whole world, in a way that immediately makes me think you're not great. Because I think what represents greatness is someone who can show humility, someone who can show humbleness, someone who's gracious, but someone who's a braggart and stands up and puffs his chest out and just says, I'm great, I'm the greatest country in the world. It's a little obnoxious. I don't mind you puffing your chest out and having national pride I'm being proud of your country and all the great things

and yes there's way more great things here than some of the negatives I listed don't think I'm a hater, don't think I'm unpatriotic, don't think I'm bashing this country because if that's what you think you're wrong. But what I'm saying is I think this country could be greater if it wasn't braggadocious. If people didn't stand up and say that, Look, I've been to countries all over the world. You know what?

I've been to Australia. Australia is a great country. Who's to say they're not the greatest country in the world? Canada is a great country. Ireland is a great country. Germany is a great country. There's a ton of great countries. So I don't know.

I just would rather that people said, Oh, America, man. What a great country. Or America is one of the greatest countries in the world. But these people that stand up and say we're the greatest country in the world, I just think it makes us look bad. And if you're having trouble following me, okay, let's do this.

Let's say there's a party. Okay? There's a party, and there's a bunch of people there you know, and there's people there you don't know. And there's some soft music playing, and there's wine glasses clinking, Everyone's chattering. And how about you walk into the middle of the party?

Let's pretend you're America. Okay, you represent America. You walk into the middle of the party. You jump up on the coffee table and you say, attention, everyone, quiet, please, quiet. Everyone be quiet. I just want you to know, I want everyone in this room to know that I am the greatest person in this room. How do you think that would go over? What gives you the right to stand on a table and tell everyone else that you're the greatest person in the room?

When you have just as many blessings and just as many flaws as everyone else in the room, you can't. So what I'm suggesting is America is a great country, but America would be a greater country if people didn't try to force on the rest of the world that it's the greatest country in the world. there you go so let's see how many of you get steamed and let's see how many of you agree and I hope you think it through I hope you think it through before you fly off the handle or start the name calling

because I can see people you know Americans are very passionate we're very passionate about our country and our freedom and the values and the things that we protect But don't be passionate to the point where you're conceded and you think you're better than others. You know, if nothing else, America is about equality, isn't it? America, one of the things we stand for is equality. And to pronounce that you are the greatest over everyone else

does not equal equality. Let's just say we're great. We are great. And there's other countries that are great, too. There's a lot of great countries, and we in the USA are one of them. I rest my case, Your Honor. Feel free to call if you object.

323-215-1486. Please leave intelligent comments, name-calling, and accusatory, spiteful, messages don't don't do anything they don't further the conversation um but intelligent well thought thought out thoughts certainly do and uh if you have some where you agree or disagree uh leave them at the at the mail box the voicemail box and we'll put them on the air man 323-2-1-5-14-8-6 here on a sweet, sunny day in one of the world's great countries, the U.S. of A. Okay, this could be startling news flash here on the Harland Highway.

Apparently, there's a report that says pot is getting stronger. Weed, marijuana, Mary Jane, whatever you want to call it. Mamp, bing bong. El Al out is getting stronger and stronger, they say. Should I believe that? I think the only way to test that theory is to try it out. So here I go. I got a big, fat reefer here.

I know I'm not supposed to smoke. I know it's illegal. I know I'm not supposed to do this. But here I go. Lighten it up. Oh, okay, I don't feel any different. I don't smoke pot, but I thought I'd try it for you people, and I don't feel anything happening.

Wait a minute. Like, what's happening? Like, let's get a cheeseburger. I've got the Munchy Scoob. Like, let's go solve a mystery. Hey, scum. This pot is. getting stronger.

Like, let's get a cheeseburger! Scooby Scooby Doo where I... Okay, that was just retarded. Yeah, that's right. The pot's getting so strong. I turned into Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Like I was smoking a real joint. What do you think, people?

It was a skit. Okay? Okay, I don't do that. I'm not going to smoke a joint on the air. It was a bit. Anyways, keep on truck. And here on the Harland Highway. Come on.

Give me another hit off that thing. No, hand it over, man. Like, this stuff really is good. What? What do you mean we're still on? No, we're not still on. The red light's not on. Oh, man, the red light is still on.

Like we're still on the air. Like I'm so busted. Noinks. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, yes, good old marijuana. What are your thoughts on Dope? It seems to me it's becoming more and more accessible, more and more accepted. I live here in Los Angeles, and I've got to tell you, there are these clinics all over the city. You can't go anywhere without seeing a clinic. And what they've done, the pot clinics, is they've kind of ripped off the Red Cross.

You know how the symbol for the Red Cross, the logo, is that Red Cross. Well, the pot clinics have now made a green cross, their symbol. And it just cracks me up like there's a cross involved. Like there really is some kind of any type of medical practice going on at all behind the walls of these quote-unquote clinics, man. I mean, come on. But nonetheless, they're everywhere. You know, people can get their marijuana license here in Los Angeles pretty much for anything. You can walk into one of these places.

Yeah, I got an itchy Achilles tendon. And I had a hang nail the other day. And when I was seven, someone hit me with a golf ball. Oh, my God. You need some marijuana. Excuse me? You need marijuana. That's the only thing.

Well, if you say so, Doc. and then bingo you know you shelve over like $212 and they give you a certificate you can carry it around like a driver's license or a blockbuster card and bingo you're allowed to walk in and buy weed like it's a 7-Eleven it's unbelievable and so what we have to ask is this just yet another stumbling block is this more of the erosion effect to our society to our citizens, to our youth, to our culture. It's just just another thing that's going to water us down, make us weaker, numb our minds, catch us off guard. I don't know. I'm not saying it is. I'm just asking. I mean, hell, alcohol is legal, right? It does almost the same thing. But I keep going back to, you know, I've set up before on this show, Rome is burning,

man, Rome is burning. You've got to wonder if, you know, some of the other superpowers like China and Russia. Well, there's only really two. But you've got to wonder if they're just watching, waiting. You know, look at the course of history, man. Every superpower falls at some point in time. And what makes them fall is they get caught off guard.

They get weaker. They start to believe that nothing can knock them off their pedestal. And so increment by increment, they kind of let things slip. It's kind of like a nice thin guy letting his body go. And all of a sudden, he used to win medals in the Olympics and win the gold, and now he can barely huff across the finish line in 48th place. And so you got to wonder if China and Russia and your... They're sitting there rubbing their hands together.

Ooh, look, it's illegalized the marijuana. Excellent, excellent. All the citizens will become stone and dumb. And we will get them when they are not expecting it. I don't know what accent I'm doing. You probably have to be stone to figure it out. I think it was German and Scottish or the touch of Swahili or something. Maybe I should have done the Chinese accent.

Oh, look at the American. He's smoking all the funny green stuff. We're just going to sit and wait till he gets stoned. Then we're going to fly in and take over America. We're going to press a communist rule all over their freedom. We're going to stomp all over the American flag because they are too stone to see us come. me right i don't know i'm just saying man you know that the foundation gets weak the tree falls down it's

like you ever take an axe to a tree first uh first hack not nothing second hack nothing maybe 20 30 hacks nothing but then all of a sudden you hear like a little you go what was that You realize the tree just kind of leaned a little. Then you take another whack at the foundation at the trunk. You're like, uh-oh. Then you see the trees start to wobble a bit. Then you go around to the other side and you take a hack at the foundation over there. And then you're like, oh, and you're like, oh, one more strike with my axe.

and tree going to fall down in a forest. Here I go, my final swing of the axe. Psh! Timba! It's like that scene in the avatar. Remember that giant tree fell down? Think of that as the symbol of the United States. of America.

And I'm not sitting here saying I want it. Hell, no, I don't want that. Then you're sitting there going to go, whatever, dude, what a morrow like America's ever going to fall, like, is it if the Chinese or the Russians could do anything. Hey, don't fool yourself. It's that kind of naive, stuck-up attitude

that they're probably banking on. You know? It's like, let me put it in America. in terms for you. Pick your favorite UFC fighter. You know, probably never thought Chuck Liddell would get knocked out. The ice man. Well, boom, guess what he's doing now?

Dancing with the Stars. Hello! Yeah, he got a little soft, didn't he? So all I'm saying, I'm asking is the marijuana, the legalizing, just one more notch in numbing our society? dumbing us down a little, making us dope heads? I don't know, man.

Just a question. You tell me. There's probably people out there going, hello, man. Marijuana makes you strong. Marijuana makes you think clearer, and we're going to be a bigger, stronger country if we're all stoned, and we're going to replace the stars on our flag

and put a hot pocket on there and a big gulp. Because, you know, we're going to have the munchies and stuff, right? Munches! Oh, God. Whatever. I'm just saying, man, let's see what happens. Let me know what you think. 323215, 1486, right here on the Harland Highway.

Hey, it's Harlan Williams. You're on the Harland Highway, and I got this kid in. here again. I don't like him. He drops by from time to time. What are you doing here, kid? It's this idiot cinnamon boy. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Okay, we know that, kid. What are you doing here? I know, let me guess you're here to talk about cinnamon. Well, normally that's all I talk about. Cinnamon. But today, I thought I'd try something different. Oh, really? And what are you going to talk about? Let me guess. Cinnamon? Not this time I want to sing. You know what?

I really don't want to hear you sing. Okay, then I'll talk about cinnamon. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Okay, kid, okay. You know what, I was wrong. Anything but you talking about cinnamon is okay with me. You know what? If you got to sing, sing, I'll take that over the cinnamon BS.

All right, what are you going to sing? Total eclipse of the heart. Oh, boy, this should be a treat. All right, just sing Once upon a time I was falling in love Now I'm only falling apart Nothing I can do

Total eclipse of the heart Oh, cut it out kid Turn around Brighton! Stop it! Get out of here! You want me to leave? Yeah, I want you to leave. Well, before I go,

Should I turn around Every now and then I get a little bit lonely Get out of here Total eclipse of the heart Don't let that kid back in here He's really testing the legitimacy of this show Freak God why does that kid have to come around man

Oh get some annoying characters on this show There's only one character I think That annoys me more than anyone and unfortunately he's here today too and what a beautiful day for you for me I got to do my therapy session as I have to do every Friday on the air with Dr. Ascott

Holland I feel you must have to release some inner angst for you to speak properly oh don't start I want you to pretend you're an angel Holland and sing and flap like an angel what I want you to sing and flap like an angel first of all I'm not gonna sing like an angel and second of all what the hell do you mean flap I want you to flap your little angel wings Arland this is ridiculous Arland have you ever heard of a pink slip oh come on man you're holding me for ransom if I don't do these stupid sessions I'm gonna get my ass can't exactly

All right, Arland. Now start singing and flapping like an angel. Oh, come. Do it, Arland. Come on. Holland. Allend. Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la. Now start flapping.

How can I flap when I don't even have wings, you idiot? You make flapping sounds, Arlund. Oh, my God. sing and then make flapping sounds oh la la la la la la la la la la la la la fla fla f la fla plop blap blop flap flap flap flap good hover over the earth that's it holland hover up and down just like a little hummingbird

now suck the nectar out of a flower Holland just like a hummingbird Flap, flop, flop, flop, flop. Good, Arlen, higher. High, Arlen. Into the sun, Arlen. What do you mean into the sun? Sorry, Arlen, I got carried away.

You tried to murder me. What do you mean? Flap all the way up into the sun. I'm sorry, Alan. I got carried away. I wanted to see you fly into the sun and explode. What? I think we're done for today.

Yeah, you're right, we're done. Get out of here. Holland. Get out. Unbelievable. This is the lowest form of humiliation. Have a great weekend, everybody. See you next week.

Here on the Harland Highway. Get out of here. Get out. It's Harland Williams. Yes, it is I, Harland Williams. And if you would like to see Harland Williams live, doing stand-up comedy. Listen up. Listen up real good. Get your pen and paper out because I'm only giving it to you once. This weekend, I am in Philadelphia on the East Coast at the Helium Comedy Club.

I'm there tonight, Friday night. I'm there Saturday night, and I'm there, I guess, just Friday and Saturday. I wanted to say Sunday, but no, I'm not. I will be doing two shows tonight, two shows Saturday. It's the Helium Comedy Club in Philly. You can go to heliumcomedy.com for tickets or call 215-496-901. It's going to be great. Come on out. Have a laugh.

And then for those of you on the West Coast, don't feel denied. I will be the following weekend in Los Angeles. More specifically, in Long Beach, which is in Los Angeles, right on the water, June 17th to 19th at the Long Beach Laugh Factory. And you can go to Laughfactory.com, just click on the Long Beach Club link, and you can reserve your tickets to see yours truly, Harland Williams, live doing some stand-up comedy, hoping to bring some chuckles into your life. We'll be doing a meet and greed after the show. I'll have my new book there for sale, the things you didn't know you didn't know, or the things you don't know you don't know.

See, I don't even know the name of my own book. Or you can get the book at my website at the store, Harlan Williams.com, personally autographed by yours truly, Harlan Williams. At least I know my own name, I think. Do I know how to spell it? No. So that's it.

uh as i said just a minute ago have a great weekend and uh maybe we'll see you live at one of these comedy clubs but if i don't and even if i do until next time chicken chow maim baby let's get out of here plopop lapop lap lap lap lap lapop let out