The Harland Highway - PODCAST 129

Episode Date: June 25, 2010

Butter, fashion and clothing, gray hair, men's nipples, and the ever so annoying Dr. Ascot. Twiddly diddly dee!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble now, Papa don't preach, I'm a keeping the podcast. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm pregnant with a podcast, and it's called the Harlan Highway, and you're the surrogate parents. So welcome to the Harlan Highway. What a show, what a show, what a show we have for you today, full of treats, trinkets, and tinsel, whatever that means. Today we are going to be talking about really important things like butter. Okay?

Yeah, we're talking about butter. I can't believe it's not bala. Well, you better believe it. It is butter today, okay? There might even be a new dance sensation somewhere in the mix here. We're going to be talking about fashion, your clothing. How often do you replenish your clothes? clothing. We're going to be talking about gray hair.

You ever get the gray's coming in, people? And then a real important topic. We're going to be talking about men's nipples. Hello! And then sadly, it's Friday, and I've got to do my therapy session with Dr. Ascot, which I'm not thrilled about, but you might be. So get ready. Here we go. It's the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay, so here is my whiny beef for today.

Okay, let me just say it right out. Unrefrigerate the butter. They're so flustered, I'm tongue-tied. You know what I'm talking about. You've all been to a restaurant, right? You're out at a nice restaurant, fancy restaurant. You're ordering a nice meal. They bring you your soup.

They bring you some bread. And then they bring you the butter. Okay? And most of the time, the butter is always cold. It's been refrigerated. It's hard as a brick. And they give you these nice, fresh, softly baked rolls. They're all fluffy, and you pull them open, and they're steaming hot,

and they're delicious-o-she-o-osh. And then you go to butter the damn thing, and you stick your knife in the butter, and the blade of your knife snaps off. It's like, what the hell? And then you finally get a chunk of... hard concrete butter on your soft, pliable bread, and you're like, it's like you're grinding the crap out of your bread.

Your bread's breaking in half, and it's crumbling, and it just doesn't work. It's like as if you, you know, you're scraping a rock across your bread. And you can't force the butter to melt. You're just like squishing it in there, and you're squishing it and grinding it in there. Oh, God, I just want some delicious buttered bread. And in the end, you give up. You're like, you can't really mash the butter around. You can't spread it.

All you can do is kind of press it down. It's almost like a silly putty. You just kind of mold it into a lump, and you're like, well, I want my damn bread. And I want to taste the butter. So what do you end up doing? You end up biting into your bread, and you only take that one bite. and it's got a big glob of butter. And so you've got 20 times the amount of butter on one chunk of bread,

and then you've got to do it again because you couldn't spread the butter around. All the butter was on that one little chunk, so you eat it all, and then you got to go back in and do it again. And before you know it, you've been eating more, more, more, more, more, why am I so tongue-tied today? I'm all upset about hard butter. Before you know it, you've eaten more butter than you have bread. So here you go, guys. Please, would you just try, you know, put the butter in the microwave

or put it under your armpits on the way to the table, something to warm that butter up so we can damn well butter our bread? Hallelujah. Yeah, first you get the cream and then you get the eggs and you churn it up and down, up and down, up and down. down, up and down, chewing the butter, chewing the butter, chewed the butter, up and down, up and down, tune the butter, up and down all the while, chew on the butter, chewed the butter. Who's the guy that came up with butter? Let me see, I take the milk out of the cow, and then

I throw in some eggs and some ice tubes, and I put in some cauliflower, and I throw in some thumbtacks and I mush it all up and I let it go in the fridge and I have a brick of butter tune the butter up and down, up and down tune the butter up and down all around

tune the butter tune the butter look at that I've created a new dance rave man churn the butter churn the butter oh how I want to hear that out at a nightclub some night. Everybody just start a new dance, man. You get your hands gone and your

hips and your shoulders. Chew the butter. Chew the butter. Up and down, up and down. Chewn the butter. Up and down all the while. Shune the butter. We'll see you at the dance club, boys and Girls, don't forget to bring Fabio. He he he he, he, he, he, churn the butter. I can't believe it's not butter. Chune the butter. Chune the butter. Up and down, up and down.

Chewn the butter. Up and down. All around. Chewn the butter. Chewn the butter. Okay, enough of that. I'm sick of it already. Let's get to something more important.

Let's get to a hot fashion tip. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway, and it's time for another friendly tip. Are you tired of paying for expensive clothes? Guys, is that new suit you wanted just too much? Ladies, is that beautiful dress just out of your financial reach? Well, here's what you do. Next time you're at a funeral, at the funeral parlor, and they're having a showing, wait for everyone to leave make sure you're the last person in the room take a look at what the

corpse is wearing they always have on a beautiful suit or an elegant dress everyone likes to be buried in their sunday best so just tiptoe over close the door and switch clothes with the dead person hey they're not going to need it where they're going so why don't you enjoy a brand new outfit for free. Yes, just another friendly tip here on the Harland Highway. So let me ask you this. How

long have you had your clothes? And maybe this is more for the guys, because I think girls, you know, rejuvenate and, you know, recycle their clothes more often than guys do. But guys, honestly,

how long, how many years, forget that, how many decades, have you had the same shirts hanging, the same jeans, the same socks, the same undies, especially those undies, man. I bet every guy listening right now has a crusty, ancient, worn out, a pair of undies with little holes, either in the butt or in the crotch or in the groin or the elastic's all wiry and worn out, or there's threads hanging down, or there's some perma stains, if you know what I mean, without getting too graphic, huh?

Because guys tend to never get rid of their undies. But outside of that, if you could go into your closet today and just pull everything out and put it on the bed, how much of it is over four years old? Huh? What percent? How many? Let's say you have 50 shirts.

How many of those shirts have been there for over four years, five years, six years, right? How many of them do you even wear anymore? How many of them do you even put on? But they hang there and you go, God, I never wear that, but maybe someday I will. There might be that one day where I want the red plaid thing with the arms cut off and I look like Larry the cable guy. Someday I'm going to probably hop into that again. So I'll just leave it.

No. No, no, no. You're not. Guys, you're not going to wear it. So here's a challenge for you. Here's some homework. And maybe I'm doing your favor. Maybe I'm being annoying.

I don't know. But let me throw it at you. Why don't you pick a day where you just go in your closet, empty your drawers, empty your closet, and just make a stack of the stuff you will wear and the stuff you know you're never, going to wear again even though it's got sentimental value and it's been hanging in your closet for

years and why don't you take a look at your socks the ones that are worn out in the heel and have the little hole starting and take a look at the undies with the ones I described earlier and maybe you put like I don't know try this try putting 500 bucks aside seems like a lot right But remember, you wear clothes every day. Put 500, maybe a thousand bucks aside and get rid of the old stuff. Go to the store and force yourself to spend like 500 to a thousand bucks. And you're like, what are you, a thousand bucks? What are you talking about, man?

What are you crazy? A thousand. Are you not on clothes? Well, think of it. Think of it for a year. What do you spend on milk in a year? What do you spend on gas in a year? What do you spend on breakfast cereal in a year?

Right? What do you spend on going to the movies? What do you spend on going out to dinner? Okay, over the course of probably 1,000, 2,000. Who knows what? So because you buy all your clothes at once, a thousand seems outrageous. But remember, you're going to wear them the whole year.

So think of it like that. Think of it like, instead of spending a thousand all at once, pretend you're spending if you break, it down, you're spending $12 a week for brand new fresh clothes, a brand new wardrobe, but new you! Oh, my God! I don't know, is it a good idea? Am I just being a busy body? Am I getting in your face? Am I getting all up in your grill player? I don't even know why I'm caring about your clothing. I'm just, I guess I'm feeling a little Martha Stewartish today. Maybe I'll go glue some egg cartons to a violin and, you know, pour noodles on my bathroom floor.

And I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. But anyways, just an idea. And if you don't want to do that, if you don't want to attend to your clothes, then, you know, you can always go to the fridge and churn some butter, churn some butter, up and down. all around, Jones, I got you again. Suckers. Welcome to... The government doesn't want you to know. The government doesn't want you to know that the reason flies land on dog poo is because nobody else wants to play around on dog poo.

Flies have the dog poo all to the themselves. The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on, come on. Come on now. Hey, won't you come on now? Hey, hey, come on now. All right, so you go to the mirror, you brush your teeth, you wash your face, comb your hair, and, uh-oh, wait a minute, what's that my hair? Wait a minute, I have dark hair What's that little light spot? There's a white hair in my head. Your first gray hair showing up.

Congratulations. It's like going through puberty, huh? Remember when that first hair wiggled out in your pelvic area? And you had one whole pubic hair? Yay, I've got a pubic hair. I must be an adult. Yay!

Yay! Oh, my voice just cracked. Those first hairs are always a little alarming. You're not entirely sure what to make of them. Yeah, so if you're like in your mid-20s, maybe your late 20s, early 30s, take a look at your head. I bet you'll find one. Bet there's a gray hair in there, man.

Just one. They usually come in around the temples. Yeah, it's called age, baby. Why don't you take all the clothes off and start looking for wrinkles? Hello. Do you ever hear that saying you're not getting older, you're getting better? Uh-uh, you're getting grayer and wrinklier.

What have I done to deserve this? I don't know. Is that a fair saying you're not getting older, you're getting better? Is that just like teasing someone? Is that being condescending? Is that mocking?

Is that baiting someone? Is that lying to someone? I don't know. we getting older? Are we getting better? Or should the saying be, you're not getting older. You're getting crankier. Get the hell off my lawn, you little bastards. Right? I don't know. What gets better as you get older? I mean, you know, organs start to slow down, functions start to slow down, the looks start to go, the elasticity of your skin. starts to give up, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I don't know if physically you're getting better. Okay, or maybe you are in the sense that maybe you didn't take care of your body for a big part of your life, and as you get older, you realize you're getting closer to the end of the finish line, and you're like, man, if I just exercise, if I just do a bunch of push-ups and get on the treadmill,

and I can probably squeeze another six, seven years out of this old body. So some people do that, and maybe, yeah, their health does get better. So, okay, let's put a pin in that. Now, what about mentally? Maybe that's what the old saying refers to is maybe mentally you're getting better. Well, possibly, you know, a lot of people they say as they get older, get stuck in their ways, they get a little more crotchety, they get a little more impatient, perhaps, maybe a little less tolerant, or do they get more patient?

Do they get more tolerant? Do they become a little more laid back? Because, once again, they're getting close to the finish line. Why do I have to keep saying that? I don't know. Is it freaking you people out? Why does he keep saying getting close to the finish line? I mean, Christ, what the hell am I doing?

Listen to this damn podcast. He's using up my valuable time. If I'm that close to the finish line, the last thing I want to do is be listening to this garbage before I pass out. Well, you know, time waits for no man. or woman and so I don't know I'm just asking the question maybe you have a different take on it if you do you can always call leave me a message at 323-215-1486 and let me know are you getting older or are you just getting better hang on I think I just saw cougar walking down the street

I'll be right back meow well the warm weather is here people and that means shirts are coming off pants are coming off people are getting into their bathing suits and uh i saw someone the other day ooh first of all it was a dude and he had his nipples pierced i'm still getting over when george michael had his ears pierced and he sang, wake me up before you go-go and look like Dora's Day. But now we got dudes getting their nipples pierced. Why? Why are you doing that? Huh? I mean, isn't that going to present a problem when the baby's born and you've got a breastfeed? All right, that comment was just for the fact guys. It just seems

weird to me that men even have nipples. Like, we obviously don't nurse babies. You know, so shouldn't we just be, like, smooth? Should we just be like a kendall up there from the waist up? Should we just have, like, the breastplate,

the, uh, the, uh, what are the, uh, the breast, uh, what are they called? The, I'm trying to think of the workout term. I'm blank, the pecks. Should we have our pecks, our pecs, our pectorals? but is there any any need for a useless nipple right it's not it's not like we're sea horses you know how the male seahorse can have the babies we can't do that guys can never well uh margaret's got to finish her night school course so her husband david decided to

carry the baby oh isn't that nice what a sacrifice oh it was no problem i liked it I mean, we can't do it. We can't carry a kid. We can't feed milk to a kid. Although I think I've heard some weird, freaky stories about lactating men, which is some kind of an anomaly, but I don't know. I may have heard it somewhere in the back of my mind, and I don't want to pursue it.

Because the idea of a guy with 2% milk leaking out of his nipples is just repulsive. And the idea worse of seeing a baby suckling on a man's boob is even more repulsive, especially a fat dude. Ugh. Imagine all the hair in the baby's mouth. Oh, you shave, you set up a bitch. Hey, the baby can talk. Yeah, that's right. Up yours.

Shave your friggin' hairy tinnies. I don't like it that the baby can talk. I don't like it You're a fat pig Yeah So what I'm saying is It almost seems like a body part That we don't need

And I know there's probably some biologists out there And some anatomy students And some scientists You're dumbass man Don't you know that the nipple Helps your skin breathe Or the male nipple Is a release for excess salt in the system

Or You know I'm sure there's some scientific reason for the nipples to be there. I'm not that dumb. I may be stupid, but I ain't dumb. I mean, I don't know would anyone die if a guy had his nipples removed? Do women even like them? They're just kind of one of those things we accept.

And I got, they're there, you know. But in a way, they're weird. We just look like flat-chested women. We run around with our tops off. Hey, Flattie! Yeah? I guess nothing. You're a guy, right? Yeah.

Okay, I take it back. Thank you. No, thank you, Flattie. Would you call me? But I don't know. I wonder if I... Let me see. I'm going to try and pinch my nipple and see if milk does come out.

Hang on. Let me... Pinching it with my fingers here. of my thumb. I don't think I can get enough force. You know what I'm going to get? I'm getting one of those black clasps. You know, that you buy at Staples or Office Depot? You know, those black clasps that you put on paper? You know, they're really industrial. They're made out of metal, and they got two little silver handles on them, and you press them down, and they open, and they hold really good. Let me get one of those and just put it on here. Here we go.

Ow! God! Okay, it's not milk, but it's blood. I got some blood coming out. Ow! What an idiot I am. So there you go. I tried milking it. You know, maybe it's a sexual.

Let me see. I'm going to rub it. I'm rubbing my nipple. I'm rubbing it through my shirt. Okay, hang on. Let me lick my thumb. It's wet. I've got salisible.

Live on, I'm nothing, nothing at all. There's no sexual benefit to me having a nipple. There's no nourishment coming from my nipple. There's no visual excitement coming from my nipples. What the hell, man? You know what they should do? They should just, like, you know, when they circumcise young boys? You know, they cut off that extra meat at the end of the weaner?

I know that sounds gross, but that's what they do. They should take men's nipples, cut them off, and use them as teddy bear eyes. Right? Don't they look like little teddy bear eyes? Men's nipple, little brown. Wouldn't they make the most adorable? Imagine Teddy Ruckspin with men's nipples for eyes? Oh my God.

It just started a whole new industry, man. What's your dad do for a living, man? Uh, he shows nipples onto teddy bears. You mean on their boobs? No, right on their eyes. Oh, God. What is the matter with me? Why am I having these thoughts?

Why am I having these thoughts? Someone please tell me. Oh, no, not you. Yes, Holland. Oh, I didn't want you to tell me about my thoughts. Arland, I understand you are wondering why nipples look like eyes, Arland. I was just kind of goofing around. Oh, God. What are you doing here?

It's Friday, Arlen, it's time for your therapy session. Oh, God. Arlen, the reason your nipples look like eyes is because eyes are the window to the soul, Arland. Oh, brother, are you kidding me? Holland, let us look into each other's eyes. What are you doing? I'm taking my shirt off, Holland. I want you to do the same.

No, don't take your shirt off. Holland, please remove your shirt so that we can look into each other's eyes. I'm not taking my shirt. You will get a pink slip, Holland. Oh, you're going to use the old pink slip on. Take your shirt off now, Arland. Oh, my God. Ew, look at you.

What? What was the last time you were at a gym, Flabby? Holland, take your shirt. off and we'll stare into each other's eyes oh my god are you kidding me arlin pink slip oh god all right i'm taking my shirt off this is this should be illegal or something excellent allan look at your nipples they're just like big round owl eyes oh my god ow wow what did you do ow i just poked you in the eye arland ow you poked me right in the nipple that is your eyes that is your eyes eye, Arland. Now, I want you to look deep into my eyes, Arland. I'm not staring into your eyes. I don't mean these eyes. I mean these eyes, Arland. Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not staring into your nipples. Holland stared deeply into my creamy brown ariolai. Oh, my God.

Look at them, Arlen. They look like butterscotch. I'm not looking. Look into my butterscotch ariolai. Oh, God! Holland, you will get a big slip. Oh, okay. I'm looking into your...

My butterscotch areolae. Stop saying butterscotch ariole. Bacterscotch, Arland. Oh, God, this is disgusting. Do you see my soul yet, Arland? No, I see some dirty hairs and, ah, just some flubber. Arland. Now, what I want you to do, Arland, is separate your fingers.

What are you talking about? I want you to make a P-Sign, Arland. A P-Sign. Yes, put your two fingers up and separate them. as far as you can. Okay, and why I'm doing this is... I want you to stick them into my eyes, like the Three Stooges, Arland.

Excuse me? I want you to poke my eyes, my nippledy nips, with your two fingers, just like the three stooges. No, I'm not touching your... Your nipples. My eyes, Arland.

They're your nipples. My eyes, Arland. Okay. I'm not touching your eyes. Olin, you will poke my nippledy nips with your three stooge's fingers. And stop calling them nippledy nips. Olland, I want you to poke my butterscotch nippily nips. Stop it!

Do it, Allend, or you will get the big slip. Okay, here I go. I'm going to poke your friggin nippledy nip, butterscotch nipples with my three stooge's fingers just the way Curley did it. Is that right? Yes, Arlen, and I want you to make the yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck sound. Oh, no, I'm not.

Arlen, you will make the yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, knock, sound, or I will terminate you. Oh, my God. Okay, let's get this over with. Here we go. No, no, no, no, no. Woo, boob, woo, boob, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo,

ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, all on that hurt. Well, you told me to do it. I've really enjoyed your yuck, yuck, yuck, and I like the where you added the wub, wub, wub on the end. Oh, my God, do it again, Arland. Oh, knock, knock, no, wub, woo, woo, woo, woo, wib, woo, wub.

Ow, Arlund, I liked it. All right, that's it. Get out of here. Arland. Out, out, out, out. I want you to milk me, Arland. Get out of here. I want you to milk my butterscotch, nippledy nip eyes.

Get out of here. Milk it. Ow! Could you at least put some vizine on my nipples? They're red from your three studious. Out! Good Lord. What a nut job, man.

Holy crackleberry. Well, thank God that's over. Fridays are not easy on me. But I made it through. I'm going to go purell my hands for about four hours. I'm just going to pour like a whole hour. I'm just going to pour like a whole. whole jar of Purell into a pot and boil it and then stick my hands in and hopefully get his

friggin' butterscotch nipples off my fingers. That's it for today, folks. One thing before I go, big announcement here for you folks that live in the San Francisco area, the San Jose area, the Oakland area, the Fairfax area, check it out. Yours truly is going to be doing a big theater show up in that region in downtown Sam Fran. You can see me Saturday, September 4th. That's Saturday, September 4th, at the Erbs Theater, H-E-R-B-S-T, the Erbs Theater, rate in downtown San Francisco on Van Nass, right beside the Opera House,

beautiful, stunning, gorgeous theater. Get your tickets now. You can go to cityboxoffice.com, or you can call 415392-4-400. And I'll tell you what, man, I'm going to be doing stand-up. I'm also going to be doing a sketch show like improv comedy. I'm going to have my buddy Brian Pomerro there from the groundlings. And it's going to be like a dual show of stand-up. and improv sketch comedy, all under one roof, all in one night.

So if you live in that region or you have friends that live in that region, let them know that is September 4th at the Erbs Theater, city box office.com or call 415392-4-00. And that's it for today. Keep your shirts on. Don't let anything get in your eyes. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down.

Chew him the butter. Churn the butter. Chume the butter. Up and down, up and down. Up and down. All around. Shure in the butter. Chewem the butter.