The Harland Highway - PODCAST 130

Episode Date: June 28, 2010

Special invite for Harland, spiders, tv remotes, bad kids, Senior Fuentes, and Celebrity Races. Timbly wimbly gimbly! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sarah, Sarah, no time is a good time for podcast, podcast, all right enough, God. If you name Sarah, I apologize for the bad singing, and to the rest of you, who aren't named Sarah, I apologize as well. Why do I do that? uh anyways uh you know if you'll excuse the singing maybe i can make up for it uh with today's podcast we have a wonderful wonderful show for you today wherever you may be in your cubicle walking your dog laying in your bed having a hot tub maybe getting a massage maybe you're sitting on a subway or a bus well today we're going to be talking about uh spiders are you afraid of spiders i don't know

find out. We're going to be talking about remotes, TV remotes. We're going to be talking about bad kids, you know, misbehaved kids that aren't in check. Do you like them? Do you hate them? We're going to be going to the celebrity races today. I believe Jay Leno and David Letterman are going at it. I'm going to be getting a wonderful letter. Some young girl asked me to an important invent in her life and then I think Senor Fuentes is dropping in it's all here

get your leaf blower on the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn Would you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harland Highway Oh it's lovely It's just lovely The Harland Highway

Hi Harlan I'm Teddy Ropspinning I'm your friend Writing down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Okay, this is kind of flattering. Hi, it's me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway, rolling home with you. I got a letter here.

It's a girl. She's 18 and wants me to be her date for her prom, which is kind of flattering, I guess. Let me read it with you here. Here we go. Dear Harland Williams, I love listening to the Harland Highway every day, and I think it would really impress my friends if I brought you to my high school prom. Wow, okay.

It's not a sexual thing or a crush or anything like that. Well, no, of course not. We wouldn't want that. That would be inappropriate. but what I would like to do is show my friends that I want to bet and that I talked a fat old windbag into coming to my prom and I would get $10 each from all my friends and that would pay for my limo and my booze.

I don't really want to continue. What? Finish it? There's really no... All right, I'll finish it. You are a funny man, but you'd be funnier standing in a gymnasium with a bunch of young kids looking like a creepy old guy lurking in the shadows. Please consider coming to the prom. P.S., if you have a driver's license, you could drive me and my friends around and pay for everything.

I hope you consider my offer, you gullible dumbass. Okay What was this all about? Yeah, I know it's important to connect with my listeners, but that was just humiliating. Sorry. Pardon me? Not really.

That was your daughter? You son of a jackass. What? Yeah, I can pick her up at seven. Good Lord, my producer's psycho. Roger, you're psycho, man. God. Weirder all the time, man.

Oh, kid. You ever have that situation, though, man? Where I'm sure you've all had it. I know I've had it where you go visit a friend or a relative, you know, and you visit their house or they come over and they're like, oh, my kid, Billy is just wonderful. He's the genius of the school and he's on the soccer team and he gets all the goals and he's ahead of his class.

and they want to put him into a special class. He's just that borderline genius, and he's just, oh, he's just everything. And what a wonderful kid. And they're like, great, I can't wait to meet this kid, right? And then the kid comes over or you meet the kid, and the kid's like Damien. The kid's like a living terror.

The kids got no manners, no etiquette. no discipline on top of it the kid's annoying and trying to be funny and it's not a well-rounded kid oh god and you've got to sit there and grin and bear it because you're at your best friend's house or someone in your family you're just like uh-huh oh yeah what a great kid bellies what a just like a borderline genius and you just want to drop kick the kid over a fence and hope that there's a family of Rottweilers on the other side. Anybody seen Billy? No, I haven't seen him. Why's your foot throbbing?

I don't know. I must have stubbed it. You didn't kick my boy over the fence, did you? No, no, not me. Oh, man, it is the worst. And on top of that, the kid kind of knows that it's got the run of the roost. so it's the kid's provoking you the kid's pressing everybody's buttons the kid's manipulating the whole scene

and everyone's aware of it except for the dipshit parents and you just want to grab the first you want to grab the kid and shake them then you want to grab the parents are you blind do you not see what your kid is oh isn't he an angel just an angel

look how he pokes the stick into the dog's ribs isn't that just an angel. Yeah, real angel. Look how he smashes his sisters headed through the fence. Not just ahead of his class. He's just, I think we're going to put him into genius school. He's just wonderful.

Good Lord. You know, if I was a parent, and I'm not, but if I was a parent, I would actually do this. I would take my friends, my closest friends, my family aside. I'd sit them down and it'd say, be 100% honest with me. Okay, I'm with my son or daughter every day, all day. I think she's an angel sent from heaven. Be honest with me.

How do you see my kid? Don't pull any punches. Where do you see any flaws? Do you see any behavioral problems? What do you recognize in my kid that I might be too close to the situation to see? And honestly, honestly, sit your friends down and let them have a constructive criticism of your child if you have, if you have the, you know, the security within yourself to do that. Because I got to tell you, man, I've met enough parents with kids that are just missing the boat. You're probably sitting there going, oh, not my kids.

No, not my kids. Yeah, I know what Harlan's talking about, but he's not talking about my kids. Yeah, well, why don't you have the balls to do the test? Take the litmus test. Have some of your friends. Pull them to the side and just say, no BS. What do you hate about my kid?

What does my kid do that drives you nuts? Is my kid an angel or a demon? I think you might be surprised, man. Because you rarely recognize it. You know, you think you're being a good guy. good parent. You think you're doing everything right. You think you're in charge. You think you're in control. But, you know, there's a lot of stuff kids do when you're not around. There's a lot of stuff. It's like a dog. When you're the master and you're around, that dog ain't going to dig in the

garden because that dog knows he's going to get a smack. But the minute you go to work and he's alone in the yard, ooh, dig in the garden, dig in the garden. Rover, don't sleep on that couch. I don't want dog hair on my couch your dog will not get on your couch while you're there the minute you close the door and go to the movies oh up on the couch oh that goes a scratch oh look at all that hair flying around it's like a hair snowstorm right well a lot of kids are like that so why don't you check in with your friends and family believe it or not there may be friends and family that are avoiding you because of your kids i've seen it man i've seen it and they don't have have the heart to tell them because, you know, kids are their precious little treasures.

You know, nowadays, you can't say anything to anybody because everyone's so sensible. Well, Jesus Christ, how dare you notice that my kid's violent? He's not violent. He just likes baseball bats. All boys like baseball bats. Yeah, well, your kid's a girl. Well, girls like them too. Yeah, people don't want to hear the bad news.

But you know what, folks? Sometimes the bad news is the good news Because you can catch things and correct them And if people really care about you They might tell you something because they care about you You don't always have to take it as an assault Or an affront Or a criticism

Sometimes it's good to hear the bad Because then you can adjust and make everyone's life easier I remember it's a dinner party And this doesn't pertain to a kid Because a lot of people don't have the custonies to say anything about a kid. But I was at a dinner party of a friend once. And, you know, I was there,

and there was some other friends I didn't even know. And one of the friends chimed up and said, you know, I'm really scared of your dog. And the people that were throwing the party just kind of started mocking. They're like, what are you talking about? Are you an idiot? Our dog's great.

It's the best dog in the world. And the girl started to elaborate. She goes, no, your dog has a tendency when people come to your house. The dog charges out the door barking with its hair raised on its back. It's a big, fat yellow Labrador. It's kind of a nutty dog. It's kind of got that off look in its eye. And it runs right at you barking and growling and yelling.

It's hair raised. To me, that's attack mode. That's very aggressive, right? and when you live with a dog, you're just used to it. You're used to its goofy look. You're used to its antics. You kind of know how far it will go and where it won't go. So you just kind of throw it away that it's an okay dog.

But to people that don't live with you, people who are just visiting, you walk in that front gate and a great big fat, you know, Labrador charges you, barking at full volume, hair raised, running at you. That's intimidating. That's scary. And so I was overhearing this conversation, and I can see this girl was really upset by it, and the hosts were just kind of laughing it off, thinking she was a goof. And I was like, I can't let this happen. And I'm like, you know what?

I chimed in. I'm like, guys, she's right. I'm a 205-pound male, and I'm intimidated by your dog. Your dog does exactly what she just said. It charges at you. It does all this stuff I described. And yeah, it's scary. We don't know your dog.

We don't know what it's doing. It's displaying all the actions of an aggressive animal. And they were standing there mystified. They're like, what? Really? Both of you? And like they couldn't believe it that I backed up her claim. And they almost were kind of like waving both of us off.

Like, oh, you're both crazy. You went more shrimp? it's like no wait a minute two of your close friends are telling you there's a situation oh no more garlic bread who wants salad but that's what I'm talking about

sometimes when you live in the palace you're blind to the help and I don't even know what that mean it sounded good I just made it up it really it doesn't mean anything when you live in the palace

you're blind to the help I don't know what that means but I think you get the Gist. So check in. Make sure everything's really okay in paradise. And make sure your little geniuses aren't little Damians right here on the Harlan Highway. I am confused. Okay, people, you won't normally hear that from a guy like me. But I got to tell you, man, how many you people have a remote control in your living room? Have you spent the time to pick it up and look at it and look at all the buttons on it? How many actually do you know what they do?

I'm not kidding. I decided I would try every single button on my remote. Took me about four and a half hours to get through them all. So I pressed play. I pressed fast forward. I pressed pause. I got one on here that says jump and skip. I don't know what that one meant.

I got audio select, channel return, closed captioned. I mean, I've pressed them all. I don't even know what they did. I pressed one. My neighbor did a backflip. I pressed another one. A seal came out of my swimming pool. I pressed another one.

My grandmother farted. I don't know who made these things. I'm going to press this button right here. Watch. I'm going to press this. Look, and I turn into a girl, okay? I just turned into a girl. I've got two breasts, and I've got the other thing, and, well, I'm kind of cute.

There, I just pressed it back, and now I'm me again. These things are dangerous. Just stick to play and forward and reverse and stop, because who knows what else is in these things. Let's see what happens when I push the, uh, pause button here. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's Harland Williams. Wow, I went to Radio Silence there for a minute. Like I was in a war and we were the insurgents and we were sneaking up on the enemy

and go to radio silence. Go to radio silence. I don't know. I'm excited at a 545-75. Go to radio silence. But, hey, this is a podcast. So there is no radio involved. So screw that. But yeah, getting back to the technology thing, man, the buttons and the gadgets and the, you know, I feel like it's almost like that old saying. You know, that old saying, the human being only uses 5% of their human brain. The other 92% is uncharted territory. See how I did that wrong because, you know.

But isn't that the same way with your computer and your TV? And you go to the big buy or the best buy or the whatever. you go to get your new flat screen or your computer and the guy that works there is a brain and he's like, yeah, and with this button, you'll be able to do this. You'll be able to do screen and screen and be able to zoom in and you'll be able to expand it. You'll be able to get movie theater style popcorn

and blah-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l. And you're just sitting there drool and you're like, yeah, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more. Oh, yeah, I want to do this, I want to do that. Oh, my God, are you serious? I can do that, I can do this, I can do, and then you get home and you're like, where's the play button? I just want to watch TV.

Where's the play button? I just want to watch my movie. I don't remember anything he said at the store. I don't want to touch anything he said at the store. I don't want to press the wrong button and screw everything up. Just hit play. And that's a problem with technology, man. Somebody's got to devise away.

To keep it simpler? Or is it just me? Am I just a simpleton? Yes, you are. Who said that? You did. Oh, there I go talking to myself again. But isn't that the way?

You always kind of just panic and you don't want to touch anything and you're just happy if it goes, if it works? Oh, technology. Why must you be so complicated? Why must you make us use 97% of our brain? I'm not sure I understand the whole spider in the house thing man I got lots of spiders we've all got spiders in our houses you know you look up by the roof there's a big spider

web you go in the bathroom there's a spider web down on the floor in the corner you you look in the curtains there's a spider web you go behind the TV there's a spider web I'm starting to think okay if there's this many spiders they got to eat what do they eat eat flies and bugs and moths and butterflies. Excuse me, I don't see the food walking around my house. What are these spiders living off of? Is somebody smuggling in food for the spiders? Hey man, I got seven flies, dude.

You want to buy some flies? Look, man, you can buy them here. You can go outside and get your own. You know, okay, okay, I'll take the flies. I thought you'd see the light, man. It's not like I could throw a squirrel in my house and it can survive. There's no nuts hidden around. Then you ever have to clean the spider webs, you know?

You get them in your hand or you've got the duster. I don't know. It just feels like old lady's hair or something. And how do I know how old lady's hair feels like? Well, that's none of your business. It's between me and the senior's home just down the hill. I'll see you on the web. Or better yet, on the Harlan Highway.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Good afternoon. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today, an excellent roster. We have Ellen DeGeneres, Talk Show Ho, Ellen DeGeneres in Gate 1, Al Shopton, Civil Rights Leader Al Shopton and Gate 4. Jay Leno, right next to talk show host, David Letterman. In Gates, five and six, it should be quite a competitive day, and there they go. The gate is open, and they're off, they're running down the track. Ellen DeGeneres, actually not running.

She's doing one of her stupid little dances. Ellen DeGeneres, yet it's starting to lag behind because she insists on doing one of her stupid little dances. She's certainly not keeping up with the others. Al Shopton seems to done him well to have lost all that way. Edel Shopton, thundering down the track in his three-piece suit, mud flying everywhere, and Jay Leno and David Letterman going at it early on, jostling from position, punching and nudging each other. Oh, there goes an elbow to Leno's chin,

and oh, there goes a fist into Letterman's teeth, right in the middle, right by the gap. And there goes Ellen's generous. She's stopped doing his stupid little dance. It looks like she spotted a group of women in the audience. She's running up into the stands. It looks like she's handing out her phone. number to some ladies in the crowd in their wonderful sun hats and here comes al shopton al shopton not to be out done he stopped he's stopped in the middle of the track he's looking into the crowd he's going

into a diatribe wondering why there's more white people in the crowd than there are blacks or latinos or asians he won't give it up the white people are booing him even the blacks that are there are booing him everybody's booing al shopton but he'll take issue with anything he can get his hands on And Leno and Letterman, tumbling down the track, like two cats in a catfight, punching and scratching and clawing. Both of them bloody, and Leno taking it on the chin. It's hard to miss that chip. And Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen DeGeneres has two girls in each hand. She's running down the track.

It looks like she's taking a couple of lovers. Ellen DeGeneres skipping down the track, but Al Shopton's back in it. Al has stopped renting and raving. He's thundering down the track in his trippy suit. it's Leno and Letterman it's coming down to the wire here it comes here it comes oh oh oh oh oh and it looks like Leno is tripped Letterman all in keeping with the way it looks like it's going to be Leno it's Leno over the finish line by a chin by one giant chin and Ellen is making whoopey in the centerfield and Al Sharpton is yelling oh he's just yelling at anything he's yelling at the clouds because they are white.

Wonderful day at the races. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you in the winner's circle here at the Harland Highway's Celebrity Race Track. Ah, yes, another exciting celebrity race here on the Harland Highway. Hope you enjoyed. Let me switch gears here, man. Anybody here, like a weekend gardener?

Anybody got the old green thumb? I got to tell you, man, I get out, and I, you know, I live in L.A., so the bushes are growing all year long. It's not like in winter they die, and you're like, thank God. Things are growing out of control, man. So in L.A., man, it's like frustrating

because you will chop down some bushes, and all of a sudden they will grow back up, and then you go chop them again, and then you get them right down to the root, and then the root starts growing up, and it's just a never-ending cycle. it's like that swamp thing character remember swamp thing you know he'd get an arm chopped off and it would just grow back that's what my bushes are like it's really bothering no no no no roger oh no come on roger why did you let him in here why did you let my gardener in here again what the hello

Senor, my name is Senor Fuentes. I know who you are. You're my gardener. Senor Fuentes. I know you're Senor Fuentes. That's Fentz. All right. What are you doing here?

Well, Signor, I picked up that hoe you asked me to give for you. Pardon me? I picked up the hole. What hoe? You asked me to go pick you up a new hoe. What are you talking about? You told me to go down to the harrow. hardware store and pick up a new

hoe. You mean the hoe for my garden to hoe the dirt and the plants? See, senor, yes, a hole. All right, well, don't say it the way you said it, it makes it sound like something else. What does it sound like, Signor? A hoe is a

hoe is a hoe. Look, just where did, where's okay, so you got me a new hoe. See, senor, she's beautiful. Stop. calling it a she what should i call it a he no chit all right where is she where where is the hoe yeah where is the hoe the ho is waiting for you in the tool shed signor okay good you got a new hoe great and i did what you told me to

with the old dirty hoe pardon me well you know the old dirty hoe what my old ho yes signor would you do with it? Well, I was throwing it in the garbage. Yeah. And your neighbor walked by. Okay. And he asked me if he could buy your dirty old hoe. What are you talking about? Well, he saw me throwing your dirty old hoe away. Stop saying my dirty old hoe. Well, that's what it is, Signore. Oh, God. So, I sold him your dirty old hole for $40. Here you go, Signore. What do you mean? Well, Signore, it was your dirty old hoe, and I sold her for you. Okay, now you're making me sound like a pimp. I don't know what you call it, seor.

All I know is, you know, easy come, easy hoe. All right, get out of here. Ho, ho, ho, senor. Remember Santa Claus would stop speaking about Christmas. I bet you can't wait to get home to try your new hoe. Stop it, get out of here. I think it is. he now that you mention it's got a long hard handle get out of here wow that guy is super

annoying does anyone else have a gardener that just walks in into their work i mean i'm in the middle of a podcast and the guy always walks into my studio with his stupid gardening stuff god man senor fuentes that's fentat get out of here god god well speaking of um well i don't even know what to say i was going to say speaking of fun but how much fun is it when your annoying gardener comes in so let's just cut right to it man um a nice announcement here for those of you that live in the san francisco san jose oakland fairfax area uh yours truly is going to be uh up in the region in san francisco I am going to be up there playing a beautiful theater on Saturday, September 4th.

I'm going to kick off the fall with a little comedy at the Erbs Theater, right downtown in San Francisco on Van Nass, right beside the beautiful opera house. You've got to see this theater. It looks like an old Roman Coliseum or something. It's unbelievable. Big pillars out front. Wow. It's almost too good.

for a guy like me but no we're going to tear it up it's going to be stand-up comedy uh ripping it up with the stand-up then an intermission and then uh after the intermission there will be a improv sketch show with me and my buddy brian pomero who uh is just incredible this guy's been uh working uh with the groundlings uh sketch improv comedy troupe for the last 15 years and so it's two styles of comedy coming together, stand-up and sketch, and it's just going to be a riot, man. So I hope you can make it out. Here's how you get tickets.

You go to cityboxoffice.com or you go to 415392-4-400. It's the Erbs Theater in San Francisco, California, Saturday, September 4th. Get your tickets now before they sell out. going to be a packed house up there. And I look forward to seeing you. More details available on my website at harlanwilliams.com. And if you don't live in the region, alert your friends, if you have friends out there on the West Coast, and you don't want them to miss out on a good, good, good, good time.

So I hope you had a good, good, good, good time here today on the old Harland Highway. I know I did. I appreciate you dropping in and tell your friends about the podcast if you're getting a kick out of it. We like to spread the word and bring a little entertainment into everybody's week. That's why we do it. That's what it's all about. Just to make you chuckle. So there it is.

Much love and thanks. And until next time, my friends, as always, chicken chow main, baby. What? Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.