The Harland Highway - PODCAST 132

Episode Date: June 30, 2010

Pacemakers and fake body parts, BBQ eddy, pool toys, blow jobs and cockblocking, Senior Fuentes! Tingly tangly tangerines!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet child, sweet child of mine. Oh, yeah. Dropping the Axel bomb on you here. You know it's going to be a good podcast when Daddy drops an Axel Rose bomb right out of the gate. Hello. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. I'm Harland Williams, your host, your MC, your ringmaster. And what a show we got lined up for you today.

We're going to be talking about something a little odd, a little creepy pacemakers and other fake body parts that they insert inside of us, electronics and metal and aluminum and titanium and all that crap. Kind of creepy, right? We're going to be hearing from Eddie, who's always looking for someone to party with, have a barbecue.

We're going to be talking about pool gadgets, pool toys, you know? You ever have any floating toys in your pool? Uh-huh. Yeah, big topic there, right? Then we're going to switch gears and get into stuff that's a little more graphic. We're going to be talking about blowjobs, ladies and gentlemen.

And we're going to be talking about cock blocking. So there's a lot of pelvic region discussions today. And then lastly, Signor Fuentes drops by. But nonetheless, it's still going to be a great show. It's always a great show. Right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway with me. Harlan Williams, and this is scary, man.

Apparently they're saying now that iPods can interfere with a pacemaker. You know what pacemakers are? Those little things they put next to people with bad hearts. They sent a little electrical shocks, little impulses out to keep the heart beating. And now they're saying iPods could, like, mess them up, stop them, short-circuit them. Hey, man, how'd your old man die? Oh, somebody was listening to Ario Speedwagon, huh? Thanks, Apple.

Just blew out my old, uh, big Apple. Watch out for your heart. Wear a bulletproof vest or put an iPod right over it. That'll stop the bullet here on the Harlan Highway. I know it's weird to think of foreign. objects in your body. Like the idea, the concept of a pacemaker, or bolts in my bone, if I were to break a bone, there's like metal bolts inside of me, or a bracket, or a brace, or a steel plate in my head, or a fake heart, or a fake lung, or a cow artery sewn into my heart because

my own arteries are no good and all that foreign stuff. Holy God. Right? It reminds me of that scene in Jaws. Remember when Richard Dreyfus and Roy Shider, someone caught a big shark and they sneak into the warehouse at night and they cut it open? They cut it open right in the belly and all that stuff comes out. There's like an old shoe and a Pepsi can and a license plate and a... Who knows what else, man? Open the type of digestive tract. I feel like nowadays, if you were to cut a human open,

you'd just get, it'd almost be like going to a garage sale. Can imagine the guys in the autopsy room? It's like, what do we got today, Jim? Well, it looks like we had somebody got killed in a car accident. Oh, that's so sad. Well, not really. I found a new DVD player in his abdomen. What?

Yeah, I'm just about to cut one of his legs open. Do you need a new toaster? Well, hell yeah, let's cut. I don't know. It's just weird, putting weird stuff in your body, and I think it's just going to get weirder. As we go along, you know, there's talk of one day we won't have cell phones anymore.

They'll just be a little chip behind our ear, and we just touch. the back of our ear, you know, the skin in our neck, or just on the back of our skull cap there, and suddenly we're connected? Yeah, good Lord, man. I mean, that's got to be rough if your phone's implanted in your brain and your skull. Can you imagine being a hockey player, man?

Every time you got checked into the board, you'd call your father by mistake. Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me. What the hell do you want? Nothing, I was an accident. I just got checked into the boards. You bastard!

Right, who knows what else they'll put in us, man? I mean, maybe we'll just be a full-on robots one day. Just when you're born, they like, you know, they cut you open down the backside, like when they fillet a fish and they just grab your spine and just, rip it out and your skin and your bone and your skin and your tissue

and your muscles are just laying there as a blob and then they shove in this titanium exoskeleton. So you back up and you're good to go. You'll never break a bone. Yeah, but I'll also never get through an airport metal detector, will I? Well, that's true. Hope you're not planning to travel. You bastards!

Well, fortunately for now, the only thing that's getting in your body are these sound waves to this podcast, the Harland Highway. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello. Hey, man, how's it going? Who's this? It's Eddie. Who?

Eddie. You know the wrong number, sir. Want to go grab a barbecue or something? No, you have no one off, hold on. Throw some ribs on the barbecue, right? What? What the hell? Hey.

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Okay, we are on summer's doorstep. And can I tell you what I hate most about the summer? I hate blowing up air mattresses for the swimming pool. You ever try to do that, man? I don't think I've ever been closer to dying

You know you get the little thing and they get that little tiny hole You got you got to purse your lips like you're sucking on a straw And through that little hole in your mouth You got to keep blowing out okay that's just the first like 20 seconds now these things take about nine hours to blow up I don't know about you but I feel like I've done like eight hits of acid by the 10 minute mark you're turning purple you're turning red your head is spinning you're like I'm too rest up man to go swimming man I'm like tripping dude I can't go no pool man I'm like zoned out of my

head dude really what do you've been doing some like really killer weed or what no man I just blew up an air mattress man really got any more yeah man have a blow oh wow man this stuff rocks what a trip yeah I told you man and then you know what happens you blow them up and you come out the next morning and they're all shriveled I don't know what happens the uh the air mattress popping fairy shows up in the middle of the night and pops your air mattress. Ugh, worst blowjob I've ever had. And you know what I mean when I say blowjob. I mean, blowing up the thing, because it's a job to blow up the air mattress.

You know what I mean. And whoever came up with that term blowjob, by the way. Like, I just don't get it. Like, where does the blow part? come like you know think of it you know guys if it really was a blow job and i don't mean to get graphic here i'll try to keep this as civil as i can but think of it guys okay if blowing was really involved let's be realistic we have a hole in the end of our thingy and if someone started blowing guess where all the air would go

Raid in to the hole in your thingy. And before long, your nut sack would start expanding and getting bigger as the blowing continues. And continues, and it's stretching, and it's getting bigger and bigger. And now they're the size of a small truck. And then... And you just see two little mushroom clouds floating up into the air. Thanks for the blow job. Thanks for the blow-up job, man.

And again, I don't want to be too graphic, but shouldn't it just be called a suck job? Isn't that what it is? There's no blowing. Good Lord. It's scary just talking about it. You know what? I got to move on.

I hope you're like me. you feel queasy and you hope it never happened. Can you just picture like testicle meat dripping down the walls and windows? And imagine all the exploding nutsacks through it. Oh, I can't even go on. This is just too vile. So let's get rid of that terminology. No more blow job.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly Dog. Chilly Dog, not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st.

Oh, I got to switch topics. Let's, let's move on, quickly. Oh, boy. I guess this was bound to happen, huh? Yeah. Holy smokes, okay? You ever heard the word sabotage? Now, I work hard.

I'm a hardworking guy. And every now and then, I guess one of the perks of what I do, you know, being on TV or the movies or having my own. radio show. Hello! Every now and then, maybe you get a hot woman that wants to take you out on a date or buy you a drink or something like that, right? Okay, that's cool. But how about when someone you work with sabotages your ass, huh? Oh, man.

And I got the evidence. I'm going to play it in a minute. But how about your wingman, the guy that's supposed to be backing you up, comes in and, steals your haughty takes away and then tries to cover it up oh man there's nothing lower okay so check this out i get a phone message from a real haughty and i'm going to play it for you here in a second some chick who's got insomnia and she's just about to give me all the info we're going to get together we're going to have a partay and my engineer who i worship who i think is a crack up.

Wait do you hear this message. He sneaks in there at the end and cuts off all the important info because you know he's calling her himself and then put in some phony stuff and then does this really sappy apology, man. Oh, Raj. You've just hit a new low, buddy.

This is borderline criminal, man. I get a play for you right now, people. Listen to this hot message I get. and listen to my producer, come in and just, you know what, block me right at the end. Unbelievable. Here we go. Check it out. Hey, Harlan.

I just watched your Jay Leno appearance and your Conan O'Brien, which I love. And on your Jay Leno appearance, it said you have insomnia, as do I. So maybe we could get together one evening. End of message. To erase this message, press 7. Hey, Harlan, I didn't touch that. That's how it was. It ended, and she didn't leave a message or phone number or nothing.

Okay? That's kind of frustrating. Damn. Okay, see you later. Are you kidding me? Did you hear that? Did you hear that cover-up voice he did? The whole fake, gee, I didn't do anything.

And then that laugh, that evil laugh is a pure giveaway. Listen to the evil laugh he does after I get blocked. She didn't leave a message or phone number or nothing, okay? Oh, my God, that is evil. That is a guilty laugh. Okay, listen to that. Oh, man, that is scary, man. And then the old, like, kind of fake, okay, I'm going to get out of this now.

You can just hear the guilt in his voice. It's just like he can't do any more covering up, so he bails out real quick. Listen. That's kind of frustrating. Damn. Okay, see you later, but. Oh, man, that is just lame-a-ramma. What's up, player?

If you people are driving around right now, I want you to look in all the coffee shop windows you drive by. If you see a guy, you know, kind of good-looking guy, tall, dark hair, sitting there, having coffee with a hottie. but if you see a guy that's wearing like a rubber mask of me or you know has done his hair up like mine that that's my guy roger pull in and interrupt his coffee unbelievable roj how about it guys you ever been uh cbed and i don't mean uh you know cb radio you know i'm just going to say a cock-blocked you ever have one of your uh buddies or a friend or someone who's

supposed to be your pal kind of step on your turf yeah I've had it happen man I've had so-called buddies you know all night long they're my buddy they're playing pool with me they're buying drinks

we're having a good time maybe there's a girl flirting with me you know we're really hitting it off good and then like i'll take off for the uh for the can and uh when i come back suddenly the whole vibe has changed the whole mood has changed and suddenly she's all over your buddy yeah yeah you've had it guys tell me the stories if you want you can call me 323 215 1486 tell me about how you are cock blocked I had one happen once.

It was unbelievable. I was, I think I was down in Florida. And I was working down there. And one of the guys took me out to a nightclub, and I was playing pool. And I wasn't really looking for anything. I was more interested in playing pool than anything else. So I was just shooting some balls around. And this really cute blonde girl started, like, flirting with me.

And I'm, like, kind of being kind of neutral. I'm not really trying. just like, yeah, whatever. And then she kind of did the old, she deep-throated her beer bottle for some reason. She just out of nowhere and look at this. What do you think of that? And, you know, I fainted. I fell on the floor.

What do you do when a girl shoves the neck of a beer bottle down her throat and, you know, simulates valetio? I mean, what kind of reaction are you supposed to have? Oh, that's really good. Did you go to DeVry and take a night class for that? So needless to say, I was out with, you know, a couple of people I knew down there. There was some other people affiliated with the club I was working at. And one guy brought his wife along. And she was sitting back watching all this thing, all this happened full of amusement.

And I don't know what would have happened with this girl. who knows, but we were certainly hitting it off and it was getting pretty spicy and I took off to go to the bathroom, take a tinkle, and I came back and I was all happy. I was like, oh, this feels kind of good, you know, some girl macking on me.

Can't help but, you know, kind of stroke your ego a little, right? But when I come back from the men's room, the whole vibe has changed and this girl is like totally macking on the guy, one of the guys that I came to the club with. And I'm like, what the hell happened? And all of a sudden, the wife of one of the other guys came up to me,

and she goes, hey, look what happened. And I go, I know, I can't believe it. What went on? And she looks at me in all serious, she goes, I told you you have herpes. I go, what? Yeah, I told you you had herpes. He, I totally cock-blocked you.

and I thought she was joking and she wasn't she just kept going she goes yeah I told you had the herpes I'm like what the I don't have herpes she goes I know but I told her you did and now yeah I can see what's gone she was over there making out with another guy man

so's how disposable us guys are right but I just wanted to put this girl through a wall and it wasn't so much that she blew my chance it was the fact that she was so like evil about it and her stupid little giggle and she was so proud of herself

I was like what is wrong with you it's just bizarre a very bizarre cockay block A so if you have any stories feel free to share them and if they're tragic enough if they're good enough I'll put them up

on the podcast here Oh, the old CB. Breaker 9, breaker 9. Yeah, I'm going home tonight by myself. Breaker 9. Hello? Hello? Hi, Harlan.

You have been sabotaged by a co-worker. Your engineer lied to you. The only person I want to hang out in a coffee shop with is you, dear. I left you a hot, steamy message about the things we could do. you to each other during our insomnia. Like, for example, looking at each other. End of message. To erase this message, press 7.

To save it in the archive. See? See? Okay, I didn't do anything on that. She, at the bad connection, I didn't do a thing. There's nothing wrong on that. I had nothing to do with that. That wasn't me.

That was her. Okay, Harlan? To erase this message, press, Oh, man. Can you believe this? Okay? That's my producer, Roger. And the guy totally blocked me. He, uh, you know, what's the male version of a chicken? Obviously, this chick has insomnia. She wants to meet me in a coffee shop. She's trying to get through to me, trying to leave me a sexy hot message with double cream. And Roger's probably taken away the good part and keeping it to himself. I mean, listen to the guy. Listen to him pleading his case. What a liar. See? See?

Okay, I didn't do anything on that. She, the bad connection, I didn't do a thing. There's nothing wrong to that. I had nothing to do with that. That wasn't me. That was her. Okay, Harlan. Okay, big clues, first of all.

Okay, first of all, listen to the nervous stuttering as he lies to me. She, the bad connection. Okay, now follow that up with the, nervous laughter, the nervous giggling of someone caught up in a huge lie. There's nothing wrong with that. I had nothing to do with that. Blatent. And perhaps the most incriminating, the most telltale sign, I don't have to be Sherlock Holmes.

Listen to the evilness. Listen to the Damien from the omen possessed by Satan evil laughter that indicates to me that he is macking on my girl and lying to me about it. Listen to this laughter. Okay, Harlan. Pure evil. Pure producer evil. I'm going to get my car.

I'm going to leave right now, and I'm going to go drive around and look in all the coffee shops. And if I see my producer having his face licked by some little Denver hottie, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go off. so i'm coming hunting for you wise guy what no no no no oh come on no what roger why did you let him in here

i told you not to let him in here oh god what are you doing here senor fentes that's fentes Senor Fuente. I know who you are. Okay, senor. Sorry if I'm disturbing anything. Yes, you are disturbing something. You always disturb something. I'm in the middle of a podcast.

You're my gardener. You should be at home, working in the garden. Why do you come in here? I just came to tell you I finished my work, senor. Okay, you finished your work. Thank you. Yes, I just finished raping. excuse me

I just finished doing all the raping what are you talking about well you told me to do the raping so I just finished doing the raping I did not tell you to what are you talking about remember this morning before you left

yes you said Senor Fuentes I didn't say it like that you said Senor Fuentes will you please rape my lawn what you told you told me to rape your lawn, senor, so I've been raping your lawn all morning.

I did not ask you to rape my lawn. I asked you to rake my lawn. That's what I said, signor. No, you didn't. You said rape. No, senor, I said rape. There, see, you just said it. What, senor? Rape. Yes, senor.

And I told you to rake. Not rape. See, signor. What are you talking about? This morning, you told me to rape the lawn. Rake the lawn. That's what I said, signor. Wait a minute. What, Signor?

Do you have some kind of a speech impediment or something? See, senor. Okay, what the hell is happening here? I cannot say the letter P. You can't say the letter P. No, the letter P, signor. Rake, you can't say the letter K, is that it? C, signor.

I cannot say the letter Puh. Because you have a speech impediment. See, senor. So, you were raking my lawn. You didn't rape my lawn. See, signor, I raped your lawn all morning long. It took me forever to rape it, but I think I raped it really good. Okay, stop it.

Are you done? See, senor. All right, why don't you take the rest of the day off and go see a speech therapist or something? Oh, fuck you, signor. Pardon me? All I said was fuck you, Signor. How dare you? Signor, all I said, I told you I have a speech impediment.

I cannot say... What? I cannot say... You can't say thay. As the that and thank you. No, signor. Try it again. Fuck you, senor.

Okay, get out of here. Oh, fuck you, signor again. Stop it. Stop saying thank you. you. Oh, okay, senor. Now get out of here. Here's some money. Go get some speech therapy. Oh, fuck you, senor. Stop it. Get out. Okay, I'm leaving, senor. Yeah, get out of here. Here's some bus fare, too. Oh, fuck you again, senor. Ah! Oh, man. What the hell? Why haven't I fired that gardener? Why do I hang on to senor Fentes?

Wow, the show might have been a little bit blue today. I mean, we talked about some pretty edgy stuff, maybe. I don't know. In today's world, is it really edgy? We talked about blowjobs. We talked about cock blocking. And then my gardener was telling me to F you. Wow.

You know, I try to keep it as clean as I can here on the old Harlan Highway. but from time to time, it slips. It goes into that place. But that's life, man. Everything's not a bundle of roses. But what is a bundle of roses? And I think you're going to like this, okay? Folks, please, if you're in the San Francisco area,

if you live in San Jose, you live in San Fran, you're up near Florida. Fresno, you're up in Fairfax, you're in Oakland. Check it out. I am going to be appearing alive at the Herbs Theater in San Francisco, September 4th, doing a full stand-up set with some special guests, then an intermission, and then I'm coming out with an incredible comedic improv sketch artist, Brian Palmero, from the Green.

roundlings, and he and I are going to do some full-on sketch comedy with suggestions from the crowd. It is going to be a blast. So please join us if you can. And if you can't join us and you have friends that live in the Bay Area of California, please let them know. September 4th, the Erbs Theater, and you can get your tickets at cityboxoffice.com. that's cityboxoffice.com or call 415392-4-400 and join us for a spectacular night of stand-up and sketch comedy.

Rare do the two art forms meet. But September 4th, I'm bringing them together on one stage, a beautiful theater, right downtown Sanford, Francisco right next to the opera house stunning theater get your tickets now well they're still available and uh i hope i see you there my friends uh and i hope you had a good time today i know i did uh we will catch you next time here on the ever fun loving harland highway and until next time chicken chow main baby I'm sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this... I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.