The Harland Highway - PODCAST 133

Episode Date: July 2, 2010

Hair conditioner, baseball, Dr. Ascot, doormats. Garlicy sweet McSnuffins!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Somewhere over the podcast, Bluebird sing. And there's always a crow that comes by and screws it up. Welcome to the Harland Highway, boys and girls, men and women, aliens, and terrestrial beings. Great to have you here. ready for another fine show here on a Friday. We are going to be talking about very important topics like hair conditioner. Are you kidding? You're not going to hear that on any other podcast, are you?

No, no, no. I'm the only one that takes the time to talk about your hair conditioner. We're going to be talking about baseball. We're well into the season. We're going to be going to one of the games. We're going to be talking about the rules or the lack there. of um we will be discussing uh something odd your dormant at the front of your house um have you ever found anything interesting laying on your doormat well i sure have you're not going to believe

the things or the creatures that have made their way to my dormat and speaking of dormant i wish this guy was a dormant so I could step all over him, but it is Friday, and that means I have to visit with my therapist, Dr. Ascot. Oh, God. I just dread it, man. The guy is super annoying. I don't even know if he's real. I've never seen his certificate. But nonetheless, I've seen your certificate, and I approve of it. I congratulate you for earning it. And here it is, right now, the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. So here's something a little different. You tell me if you think this is cute or if you think this is just weird.

I thought it was a bit of both, okay? I wasn't sure how to react, but I walked out of my house this morning. And, you know, I live in sunny California, so there's a lot of critters always running around. There's lizards and snakes and spiders and all those yummy things. right so i walk out on my front door and i look down on the ground right by my doormat and there's a lizard tail okay just just the tail was about you know three four inches long and at first i looked at it i thought is that a stick and i looked at it looked like it was like skin and it had texture and i picked it up and sure as hell it was like a whole little long lizard tail

Oh, how cute. The lizard left me his tail. Oh, what a sweetheart. Leaving me body parts. And I thought, how weird. How many people listening have ever walked out of their front door and found a lizard tail on their doormat? Is it some kind of weird offering?

Is it something I'm supposed to eat? I don't know. And where's the damn lizard? Like, how do you lose your tail? tail sitting on my front door. He's just like, ah, man, I hate pulling this thing around, man. And I'm a little overweight, so I bet if I chop my tail off, I can drop 30 right now. So there's some lizard trucking around without his tail right now?

It's like a new look or all the other lizards are going to start chopping off their tails. Yikes! Yikes, yikes, yikes. So that was kind of weird. I don't know if you've ever had weird little things on your front door step. I guess another thing I had on my doormat once, a couple of things. And you might be like, I'm never going to live where he lives. But one day I came out my front door, and I don't know why things show up right by my doormat,

but I found a scorpion. Like a little scorpion was sitting there waiting maybe to murder me, to kill me. I don't know. Maybe he was just looking for some tail. I don't know. Hello. And then another night I came out, and there was a godforsaken tarantula sitting almost in the same spot. So I don't know what the hell's going on.

I mean, I'm just waiting for a rattlesnake and a Portuguese man of war and a great white shark. And what else is going to show up on my doorstep, man? How about Pamela Lee Anderson? Is she around? Do you think I could walk out and maybe she's sitting there one night? Hello. um so there you go cute little offerings from nature um if you have anything weird you've ever found on your doorstep call me let me know share man share 323215 1486 and let's see if you have any

interesting trinkets sitting on your doormat hey tg i f it's crazy friday it's you know Anything goes on Friday. So I got a bottle of Tabasco sauce here. Open it. And I'm just going to pour it in my eyes. It's Friday. I thought I'd try something different. Be a little crazy for you, people.

Here we go. Ow. Ow. Oh. It really burns. It's really burning. That was a stupid thing to do. Excuse me while I leave.

Yeah! And speaking of Fridays, there's not, you know, you know what might be worse than pouring hot tobacco sauce in your eyes? Is my therapist, Dr. Ascot, who I have to do a mandatory sit-down therapy session with every freaking Friday. Because the powers that be that run the whole podcast, they think I have a nut loose. So in order to prevent any legal action or litigation, they have to, they claim, have me see a therapist on air every Friday to make sure I'm normal and cool and everything's fine. So here we go.

Time for my Friday visit, Dr. Ascot. Oh, hello, Arland. Oh, God, here we go. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today? Can we just get to it? Patience, Arland, patience. I don't have patience for you.

You drive me nuts. Holland. Well, you drive... Stop saying my name, too. Holland. Ah, what are we doing, Ascot? Allent, today we are going to learn how to get rid of some of your insecurities. What insecurities?

have insecurities. I'm doing a podcast. I'm very secure. Ohland, do you recognize this? What the? Where did you? Where did you get that? Holland. Where did you get? That's my blue blanket. Holland. Where did you get that blue blanket? I've had that since I was a baby. Arland, the producers allowed me to go into your house so we could work on this exercise. That's not legal. You can't have... Oh, and you will get a pink slip if you don't cooperate.

Oh, my God. So now you guys, they're letting you into my house? Holland. I can't believe they're letting you into my house. By the way, I like the painting hanging over your bed. Oh, my God, that's creepy. Arland, let's focus. Wow, this is a...

Give me my blue blanket. No, Arland. What do you mean? No, that's mine. I've had it since I was a little baby. Holland is the blue blanket. you comfort. Yes, it does. It reminds me of my childhood. And is it a form of security, Holland? Yes, it is. I hate to admit it, but yes. Well, Holland, as we grow into

adulthood, we must learn to shed our insecurities. Shed our insecurities. Well, how about I shed you? Holland. So what do you want with my blue blanket? Holland, it's time to grow up. It's time to let go of your blue blanket. You rely on it in times of need, in times of depression, in times of comfort. Well, in a way, okay, you're right. You got me. When I'm feeling down or I feel alone or sad, I cuddle with my blue blanket. Yes, Arland, it's obvious there's saliva all over it.

Okay, cut it out. What are you doing with it? Holland, it's time to let it go. What do you mean? No, no. I'm not letting go on my blue blanket. Holland, it's time to step into adulthood. Oh, God. Arland, are you a man or a boy? I'm a man, obviously.

Holland, look me in the eyes. Are you ready to let go of your childhood? Oh Okay, what are you going to do? Fold it up and I can fold it up maybe And put it in the back of my closet Oh, Holland, it's time to let go All right, you know what, here's what I'll do

I'll send it to my parents' house And they can keep it in storage I have a better idea, Holland What are you doing? What is that stuff? Are you spraying water on my blanket? It's not water, Holland. What the hell is that?

What's that? smell. It's light of fluid Holland. What, what are you doing? Hey, what are you doing with those matches? Hey, what it? Oh, no, no, you let my blue blanket on fire! Oh, no, no, my blue blanket. Oh, my God, no, put it out, put it out. Oh, my blue blanket. My blood, that's just I was a little baby.

Holland. Oh, oh, you burned my blue blanket. Oh, my blue blanket. Arlen, try and relax, Arlen, here. I'm wearing a blue shirt. Why don't you cuddle up on my blue shirt? Oh, my blue blanket. That's it, Arlen, just lay here on my chest. Oh, I love that blue blanket ever since I was a baby and you burned it to a kiss.

Can you hear my heart beating, Holland. Yes, I can hear your heart beating. Is my chest nice and warm, Holland? Yes, it's warm and comforting. On my blue shirt, Holland. Yes, your new blue shirt. Shall I open my shirt so you can rest your head on my hairy chest, Holland? What are you, God!

The hell's going on here! I'm comforting you, Holland. What am I doing laying on your chest? I'm just trying to help Arland. Get out of here! Unbelievable! Burns my blue blanket and cons me into laying on your hairy chest. Out!

Would you like to put one of your ears right over my nipple? It fits perfectly, Arland. Get out of here! Arlen, would you like a drink of milk? Get out! What a nutbag! God! But you ever do that?

You ever put your head down on somebody's stomach or pelvis or chest, your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, whoever? You're just, hey, baby, you want to watch a movie on TV? Yeah, let's just lay here on the couch and snuggle. And, you know, one of you ends up laying your head down on the other person's abdomen. And are you kidding me? It sounds like, you know how when you put a cup to a wall and you can hear through the wall? It sounds like you put a cop

Up to the gates of hell All you can hear are these churning noises And gurgling It's like It sounds like a bunch of monsters Ascenting on your face And oh god It's creepy putting your head on someone's abdomen.

But then you go up closer by their heart and it's like, is like, is, is, is, is, is, and you feel like you're in your mother's womb, right? And then your lover starts, like, reaching down and funneling you and touching you trying to get frisky, and you're like, Ew, stop it. What? What's the matter? Stop touching my breasts while I'm in your womb.

What? What? Where? I'm in your womb. Woo, mother. What'd you call me? Mother. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it is weird, man. There are some weird noises. I guess your body's always doing stuff in there. Luckily, we have skin on our bodies, right? We have like a, maybe that's why we need fat to kind of insulate all the sounds that are coming out of our insides, man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have. better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Must be rough, you know. We think bacteria and parasites have it easy.

Oh, they're living inside me. Imagine all the noises. Can somebody shut that racket off? I'm trying to eat some bacteria. I'm going crazy. All I want to do is eat some bacteria. Can somebody please shut that noise off? Wow.

Unreal, man. Oh. So there you go, man. Next time you're laying out with your loved one on the couch, maybe put some earplugs in or wear some earmuffs and then lay down on their nice soft belly. So you don't have to hear them digesting that can of pringles and the gatorade they just swallowed.

Hello. Hey, you're with Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Thought it would be a fun spring day to take you out to the ballpark here. Let's join Tom Sheik and Jerry Howarth for the baseball game that's going on right now. Let's throw it over to those guys. Thank you very much there, Harlan. We have a wonderful game going here today. We've got the sun is shining at Yankee Stadium,

and it just looks like everybody's having a wonderful time. Yeah, look at the people in the crowd. Just having some of them have their shirts off. Some of them have those big foam fingers. looks like the middle finger. Tom, that's the index figure, Tom. Well, it looks like the big foamy middle finger to me. I mean, oh, wow, man.

Tom, here comes the windup. There's the throw. And he strike one call. Wow, he really took a cut at that one. He sure did, Tom. I mean, he hacked at that thing like Paul Bunyan chopping down a pine tree. Tom. And so now here comes the second pitch.

Here's the windup. There's the throw. Strike two call. Oh, wow, wow. And so now he takes a step out of the box. He bashes his bat on the ground in frustration. He looks a little angry. Oh, my God, he's turning around to the umpire.

He's having some mixed words, and he's repeatedly smashing the umpire in the face with his Louisville slugger. Oh, there's another one, another one. He struck him out. You want to talk about a good swinger. He really laid into that. Empire, Tom, and we'll be back with more Yankees baseball.

Oh, wow, wow. I don't know if you caught this story earlier in the baseball season, but really frustrating, man. Okay, there was a rookie pitcher, a young pitcher, through what's called a perfect game, okay? Like, no hits, no walks, no nothing. Like, it's just a perfect, the guy threw a perfect game. game. They're very rare. Only a few people have them in the league over the course of the league's

long history. And it was down to the final out, final play of the game. And the batter hit the ball back towards the pitcher. The pitcher grabbed it, ran to first base, clearly touched the bag, beat the runner by about a step and a half, I would say. And the first base umpire called the runner safe. Thus annihilating, voiding the pitcher's perfect game. And just to be certain, they went back and they reviewed it on video later on. And sure enough, you can clearly see that the runner was out by a good step, a good step and a half.

the umpire was extremely apologetic he apologized to the pitcher he apologized to the fans he apologized to his colleagues he apologized to the league he's like yeah i made a big blunder okay so that being said how often in a pitcher's career is he going to throw a perfect game it's likely he never will it's it's it's almost an anomaly it's a feather you can put in your your cap that most people couldn't. It's probably akin to an actor winning an Oscar, okay? The odds are not in your

favor to throw a perfect game. So all this being said, everyone acknowledged it was a mistake, and they have the proof on video in slow motion. You can clearly see it, and yet they won't reverse the call.

For some reason, the commissioner of baseball, I guess it's in the rules. Well, he made the call. We can't Reversing the call now. What are we going to reverse every call? Well, yeah. How about we do if these guys are wrong, man? Like, that's like, you know, Tom Hanks.

And the Oscar goes to Tom Hanks for Forrest Gump. You know, Tom Hanks walks up to the podium. He's like, I'd just like to thank everybody for, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, we made a mistake. Sorry, the Oscar goes to Mel Gibson for lethal weapon, 15. Huh? What? Yeah, we're taking your Oscar away. Sorry. I mean, it's ridiculous, man. It's like, screw protocol. Screw the rules. If you clearly see something's wrong, change it. Amend the rules. Adjust them. Make it right. Set the record straight. How can you take this guy's perfect game away from them when you know it's not accurate? I think that just makes you look more like a fool.

It makes the league look bad. Makes it look inadequate, right? So I just wish baseball would catch up with the rest of sports, man. I mean, hockey's got it, football's got it. When you're in a sport where every point counts, which is any sport, really, right? you should be able to clearly define

how the play played out you should clearly be able to have a definitive answer on was something technically legal in the rule book or not so there you go that's my beef and I feel sorry for this guy I forget his name but you know

come on man give that guy is his record back, and that would make me very happy. Very, very happy indeed. Excuse me, teacher, this is Harlan Williams here. Yeah, from the Harlan Highway. I have a question. What the hell is hair conditioner? Okay, all I know is I get in the shower.

Okay, I spend all this time shampooing my hair. It's super clean. I mean, I just shampooed it. It's perfectly, it's as clean as it's going to be. I just rinsed my hair off. And now you're asking me to put some greasy gunk in it. What does it do? Conditions my hair?

What does that mean? Condition it. Hair, you're not allowed to misbehave in public. You're not allowed to eat until I tell you to. And I want you home by 9 o'clock. What are you doing? I'm conditioning you. I don't brush my teeth at night and then put on extra toothy-pasty bonus paste.

I don't get it, man. I think I'm going to go stick my head in my air conditioner, let it get frozen and chopped off. That's all I need. Here, on the Harry Harland Highway. Although I do have to say, man, some of those commercials you see on TV, right, where the girls with the long, dark black hair

are doing the conditioner commercials, and they wave their hair. around in slow motion and their hair looks like it looks like the holy grail or the golden fleece or looks like someone took a knife and cut a slice of heaven out and glued it to their heads i mean have you seen it i mean it looks like the type of thing aladdin would go on a magic carpet ride on man i mean it is stunning the hair that they have comes down and it's shining and it's, I don't know, it looks too good to be true. Do you ever see anyone out in the street with hair like that?

I mean, I just want to eat it. It looks delicious. It's like this long, flowing. I want to make a blanket out of it. I want to make a chamois out of it. I want to wrap it around my body. I want to sleep on it. I want to fly on it.

I want to put it out in a field and sit on it and have a picnic. It's just bloody, beautiful this bloody lovely and it's always the girls out with the long shining hair and they show it in slow motion their hair looks thick man their hair it looks thick like they have the hair of a buffalo or a muskawks or something like their hair's just got so much uh volume to it man i don't know they know you never see a guy with hair like that like can you imagine a guy walking around you know he's got hair that goes just to the back of his neck up over his ears and yet it's super shiny and thick and just looks like silk sitting on his head

that would look kind of peculiar don't you think be like jesus christ what have you been up to billy nah conditioning wow yeah so uh i don't know maybe I'll just, I don't know, maybe I'll put like turtle wax or something in my hair. I'll make my own concoction, my own witch's brew, see if I can get good hair. I'll get a bowl and I'll pour in some gatorade, some blue gatorade, some minty fresh scope. You know, maybe I'll put some turtle wax in there, some shoe polish, and maybe some ultra-white a pepsodent or cold gate or something just stir it all around right wash my hair in it and see what happens man good lord who knows maybe i'm on to a new invention or something right oh what a

treat what a treat well speaking of old inventions it wasn't me that invented the uh the theater but I'm here to tell you about a theater gig I have coming up. If you live on the West Coast, I'm going to be in San Francisco, my friends, at the Erbs Theater, H-E-R-B-S-T in San Francisco, right there on Van S Street, right beside the opera house, gorgeous theater. We're going to be doing a stand-up show,

followed by an intermission, and then followed by sketch improv comedy with my buddy Brian Palmero, who's an incredible improv actor from the groundlings. And we are going to have a great time. If you want tickets, please get online and go to cityboxoffice.com. Or you can call the box office at 415-392-4-400. And you can reserve your ticket.

It's do it soon. It's going to be a blast. And hope we see you out there. And if you can't make it, please feel free to tell your friends to get out to the Erbs Theater on Saturday, September 4th, in the amazing city of San Francisco. And if you want, put some of that shiny, silky stuff in your hair and show up. Could be fun.

So that's it. That is the podcast for today, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you had a good time. Have a great weekend. And we'll catch you next week right here on the highway. And until then, my friends, as always, chicken chow main, baby. What is that? Nothing, that's nothing.

There's nothing. Why can't I see? My blanket, my blue blanket. I mean, I'm sorry. I don't like. I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important. It's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby. I'm, I find it very comforting.