The Harland Highway - PODCAST 134

Episode Date: July 5, 2010

New condoms, whack jobs, music lessons, romantic letters, pack rats, and the spring floods. LOvely luder bars!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Beth, I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now. I'm listening to a podcast, and I just can't find the same. All right, all right. I don't blame you for going home after hearing that. Good Lord. Why do I sing? Anyways, welcome aboard. Welcome to the Harland Highway, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fairies and trolls.

A hell of a show today. We're going to be talking about condoms, a deadly condom. Somebody's put a new twist on the condom that's going to hurt like an M-F-U-er or whatever the term is. Yeah, you got to hear this. And then we're going to be talking about whack jobs. You know, wacky people that do weird things? We're going to be talking about music lessons. Did you take any?

Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. I don't know. We're going to be talking about pack rats, people who collect things. That weird guy who likes to read romantic letters all the time is coming by to read some of his creepy letters. And then there's been a lot of floods lately. We're going to be talking about the floods that happened during the spring, and it's going to be great. So put your raincoat on.

It's right here. The Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut some out? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Okay, this is scary on a number of levels A brand new item has been invented by a doctor in South Africa

that was conceived probably because of the high amount of rapes and assaults on which women in that region of the world. And it's scary on two levels. First and foremost, it's scary because women are being raped. That is appalling.

It's saddening. It's sickening. And, you know, you've got to wonder in a country where laws and the penalty of law isn't as rigid as it is. here in North America the way we know it, it's got to be very scary to be a woman living in a third world country. Honestly, I mean, think of the vile things that happen to women here

in our so-called civilized culture. And imagine having none of those barriers, none of those perimeters, and being a woman making your way through life, through the world, and so much more nasty things could come at you. So it's frightening. So that's the first part of scary.

And then the second part of scary, I guess it's kind of a good thing for women, but a real scary thing for men, and you men have it coming. Let me preface it. If rape is on your agenda, you definitely have it coming. But let me tell you what it is. So a doctor in South Africa to combat this epidemic,

she invented a female condom, okay? And by female condom, picture a round, cylindrical, cup-shaped thing that would be inserted up inside a woman. So it's almost like the reverse of a condom a man would put it over himself. In this instance, a woman would put it up inside herself, so basically lining the interior, the walls of her, but J.J. All right. But here's what this woman did.

This doctor to ward off rapists or make rapists pay for their misdeeds. This woman created a female conum with teeth. okay and I'm not talking buck teeth I'm not talking dentures I'm talking she lined the inside of this female condom you have to go online and see the picture but she lined the inside of the female conum with teeth akin to a python or a pit viper or some kind of snake but mostly a python I'm sure you've seen pictures of python Python teeth on the Discovery Channel or the skeletal remains in a museum. But basically the python's teeth work like this. They have rows of teeth that are razor sharp and basically they all bend backwards into his mouth. So basically they're used for grabbing, tearing, and graze. ripping mostly.

So basically, when something gets inside that python's mouth, because the teeth are all facing backwards towards its tail, it's almost impossible for would-be prey to pry itself or pull itself from the jaws of the python. Because it would be going against the direction of the fangs and in pulling, trying to pull out of the mouth, would be burying the fangs deeper into its own flesh. So now picture, if you will, hypothetically,

the woman's vajaj, being the mouth of the python. Yeah, and here's where it gets squeamish. And a man's erect weiner being a rat or a vol. or a ferret trying to borrow its way in and realizing it's in trouble tries to pull out and

yipe you got it yeah it's almost you know picture uh I hate to say this but picture you know getting fallatio from a dragon how about that does that paint the pitcher

so uh you know kudos to the doctor for coming up with this um it's extreme it's uh it's edgy in more ways than one obviously but uh perhaps a necessity in that part of the world and uh you know guys just watch out and basically smarten up and uh you got to stop doing what you're doing and hopefully this is a major deterrent there's not much comedy here there's not much uh you know not much to laugh about when it comes to rape but uh i thought i would tell you about it because it is very uh interesting it's a unique idea and uh wow if there's any anything that you can laugh at here it's at the poor loser who makes the mistake of putting his you know what into the mouth of the python

because he bloody well deserves it. 2 plus 2 is 4? 2 plus 2 is 5 No, I think it's 4. 2 plus 2 is 5 Uh, no, two plus two is four

Two plus two is five Uh, two plus two Uh, it's four Two plus two Is five Uh, uh, Uh, two, two plus, uh, is five. Uh, two, two, two, two plus two is five.

Correct. Uh, you're, you're creeping me out, dude. Two plus two. Is five. Correct. You're really creeping me out, dude. I gotta go. Two.

Yeah, I know. Plus two is five. Correct. I gotta go. Right? You know what I mean? You ever just meet a weirdo? You meet some. kind of weirdo and they're uh you know you're at a party or you're uh out uh shopping and you just get a weirdo who uh you know they just kind of won't move off of weird like they start talking

or they do something and you're thinking okay you know this is just a quick little blip and then they're gonna move on they're gonna you know say or do something else and the weirdness will stop any second now. They're just about done with the weirdness. The weirdness must stop now. And then it doesn't. And you're just standing there with a whack job, man. Isn't that weird when that happens?

Oh, it can be very unnerving, man. I was on a plane a few months ago. And I'm flying, like, to, I'm flying from California to, like, New York or something like that. And I'm sitting up there and first, and right in front of me is some guy, some man. And then this kind of, you know, young professional business lady sits down beside them. And they start talking a little. And the guy is kind of a loud talker. He's going, well, yeah, I've been working up in Pennsylvania for a few years.

now developing a thing for, you know, a Microsoft, and it's all, you know, he's one of these guys. Like, everyone can kind of hear his conversation, right? And at first, the lady's, like, very attentive. She's like, oh, yeah, interesting. Oh, yeah, my son worked up near there. And, oh, wonderful. And then, you know, she never got much air time, so to speak, because the guy would kind of come in and kind of cut her off and keep talking.

and then it became apparent that this guy was a little weird and he didn't know how to stop and he just kept talking and this poor lady was trying to be polite and she was like kind of stopped responding you know she was kind of looking at him trying to just nod her head and be polite and then this guy just kept going and go

and then my uh my partner there went up to uh main and we installed a unit for the uh you know the power plant there and uh and she's just like so she just starts tuning out she just starts looking forward you know hoping he'll get the message and shut up and then my uh my company flew me down to uh louisiana where we installed the uh what you might call it so now she picks up a magazine and she starts reading and this guy just keeps going and going and finally she got up and right in the middle of his company so my uh my uh partners are going to be in vet and she was up and gone she went to the bathroom even though she didn't have to go

and then i'll be damned she she came she sat back down and about 30 seconds later this guy was like so what we're uh going to develop as a brand new uh intergalactic and this lady was just like oh so she put the headphones on and i don't know she had to listen to like muzac all the way across the country because this guy was just a whack job and he had no filter, he didn't know how to shut up kind of the way I don't

when I get rambling here on these podcasts. Hello. So I don't know if you have any weird Boo Radley-like stories and you want to share them. 323-215-14-8-6.

I grew up in a house where my parents thought it was important that each of the kids learn how to play music. So me and my two older sisters, we got sent off to piano lessons, which I didn't like. And my mother always used to say, You're going to thank me for giving you planet piano lessons when you're older and you know how to play. Well, of course, being a kid and short-sighted, I couldn't see it. I just wanted to be in the sandbox, eating sand, and smashing toys. twigs over my little sister's heads.

Sure enough, I bailed on the piano, and now I wish I could play. But worse than that, I guess, is I guess my parents got bored with the piano deal, and they decided to sign my little sisters up for the two most obnoxious instruments ever made, at least obnoxious when you don't know how to play them properly. one of my sisters got linked up with the cello and the other one got linked up to the violin so there's me every morning laying in bed sleeping upstairs and down in the living room

oh my god it's not like somebody squeezing the life out of a cat I'd open my door. Shut up down there. Do you have to practice your cello at six in the morning? It's like one in the afternoon, dipwad. Yeah, well, it's six in the morning in my head. I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, yours. Slam. Wow, talk about migraine. So just a word of advice. before you give your kid a cello or a violin and you're going to be, you know, the cultured people on your street. Just remember nothing comes for free. In order to be a maestro, you've got to practice and practice and practice.

And unless you're planning a career in violin or cello, then you're just filling your house full a squeaky, dying cat noises. And you've got to live with them. So good luck. We'll see you at the Philharmonic there, Maestro Fresh West. Stick around here on the always sweet, beautiful sounding Harland Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Dear Hazel, it is with a joyous heart that I write you this letter on this dark, starry night, as I pull the quill from my inkwell, and I jot these words down. My soul is full of love and affection. It shan't be long, Hazel, until I'm joining you at the plantation, and we skip merrily down the dirt road hand in hand and then you run ahead for a few paces and I kick a stone with my leather boot and it flies through the air and cracks you in the back of the head

and you fall face first scraping your pearly white teeth along the gravel and your snow-white skin scraping along. as you slide from the impact and your eyebrow cut open blood pouring onto an ant nest and little ants pouring out and crawling all over your face and excuse me excuse me what are you doing I'm reading a romantic letter that's not romantic what the hell is falling down kicking a rock at her head do you mind I'm trying to finish my romantic letter well make it romantic

That's creepy. Do you mind if I finish? All right, go ahead and finish, but good Lord. Thank you very much. I'll never forget as we wandered around the swamp looking for wildflowers and lily pads and strange grasses that you can press into your book and make into homemade cards

to send a sister Sarah back on the East Coast. I'll never forget as you bend down, pick up a little white wild flower by the edge of the pond. I pushed your face into the gaping jaws of a snapping turtle, and it slammed its beak shut right on the bridge of your nose, drawing black... Excuse me! Excuse me, I'm trying to read a romantic letter.

No, no, stop it. That's not romantic. May I finish, please? What is going on here? I'm reading romantic letters that I have written to my... my loved one. That really, that's your loved one. Yes, it is. Hazel, yes.

Dude, I'm sorry, man, but if that's your love letter, I don't want to hear your hate letter. Do you mind if I finish? This is very personal. Yeah, go ahead, buddy. You're just, you're winning my heart here. Thank you.

Just do it. Read. I'm getting the paper. I'll never forget as we wandered under the old apple tree, a long branch hanging from the side. I found an old length of rope and threw it over the top of the branch and tied it securely with a knot. I remember the look in your eye and the giggle in your heart as you imagined us hanging from the rope together swinging back and forth like two playful children. children. Oh, how surprised your eyes became when I wrapped the rope around your soft white throat and lynched you up in the apple tree and you swung there like a dirty old pillowcase

swaying in the brink. Okay, enough, buddy. I wasn't finished. Yeah, you're done. This is, who are you, O.J.? I'm sorry. Never mind. You are, you are morbid, dude. Well, I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry. You. You don't have any romance in your heart the way I do. Get out of here! I have one more thing. Get out! And then a giant bird's nest fell on your head. The eggs dripping down your eyes.

The shells cutting into your... Get out of here! Unbelievable! Creep! That is really... And then I threw apples at your head as you dangled in the breeze like an old handkerchief. Out! Hi, this is Harland Williams with another friendly tip.

Are you tired of paying your cable bill each month? Are you tired of the costly, monthly fees for watching TV? Well, now you can watch TV for free. Just wait till night falls, crawl over the fence, and stand outside your neighbor's living room window. He won't be able to see you if you're wearing camouflage all over your face, dark clothing, and face paint. Yes, you'll be able to watch all the TV you want for absolutely free.

Your neighbor will be paying for it. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harland Highway. Are you a pack rat? I don't know, is that even a real animal? Is that in the, if you were opened up the Autobond Society's book of rats? Would there be an actual pack rat? Maybe, I don't know. I'm not a rat expert.

But are you one of these people that just saves stuff? You know, you just can't get rid of it. And you know you'll never use it. You look in some drawers and there's 40 pens. And there's some old stationary. There's an old t-shirt. And there's a weird little badge you got for some kind of event that you could pin onto a shirt, but you never will.

There's a little figurine or a little shot glass or some dumb thing. And you know it's just going to be there until the day you die. You know you're never going to use it. There's papers and folders and pictures. There's old picture frames. There's old blankets folded up in the closet. There's clothes, there's hats, there's scarves, there's boots, there's shoes that you haven't put on in nine, ten years sitting in your closet.

But you see them, you pass by them. You know you're never going to wear them again. But oh, but better not touch those. Those are shoes. I paid $40 for those ones. Why throw $40 away? At least I'm getting $40 worth of something using up space in my closet. That's worth something.

Right? Look, I'm not accusing you, people. I'm the same way. I got stuff, you know, I'm looking at, I'm looking at junk right now. From where I sit, I can see things around me that I want to collect or hoard or have and never throw away. I got stuff in my wallet that's been there that's meaningless that I can't seem to get rid of. Oh, well, I guess it's all about me. memories or something, right?

What are we really saving? It's memories. It's places in time. It's points of reference. I guess maybe there's sentimental value in everything we own, anything that comes into our house or in our possession. It's somehow a piece of us. You see this old pen from the Waffle House?

I remember. You know what I mean? That pen's a piece of me. I wrote my first check to my cleaning lady with that pen. I'll be damned if I throw it out. It's got sentimental value. It's a waffle house pan. How can you stand there and expect me to throw out an old waffle house pen when I wrote a check to my cleaning lady?

Look, there's still some syrup on it. If you hold it, it's still sticky. I remember. Okay. settle down there soap opera sally you little pack rat what did you call me a pack rat i'm a mouse not a rat well you look like a rat to me up yours buddy okay and speaking of collecting how about the rainwater that collected this spring right in tennessee and in the midwest and every year it seems to happen man i mean you see those clips on the news where the stop sign, like the waters all the way up to the top of the stop sign, and houses are like halfway underwater and houses are floating down the river.

They look like extra extravagant houseboats. Look at that houseboat, man. It's got a porch on it, man. Wow, that's, I haven't seen that before, man. And inevitably, you always get the people that think they can outrace the floods. All right, I have to talk about this because it's annoying the hell out of me. Okay, it's spring, the waters are rising, there's flooding everywhere, and why is it every time I turn on the weather channel or the evening news?

we have some dumbass in a pickup truck or a minivan or a car halfway across a flooded road a road that's pretty much turned into a raging torrent a river so strong that while you were driving across a dumbass spawning salmon were jumping and leaping in front of the grill of your car dip weed okay that's probably a clue you're driving in a little too deep when fish start jumping over your windshield okay dingle nuts what is the matter with these in there they they climb out the window and they're up on the roof waving their shirt help help i didn't know my dodge minivan couldn't drive underwater I thought it was a submarine and a car.

Dive, dive. We're going underwater. Minivan, descent, descent. But Mommy, I thought we were going to the mall. Shut up. We're going to look for giant squid, you little weasel. Mommy, I don't like giant squid. Shut up, you calamari-eaten freak face.

and they say we're the smartest creatures on the planet i don't know man even a monkey will sit in a tree and wait for the water to go down the only time you ever want to be crossing a river or a flooded road is to get on to the first entrance ramp to the harland highway yep that's right that's right baby and uh you know if you want to really drive somewhere Here's where you should drive, okay? I'm going to make this announcement again. I've been doing it the last few weeks here, but it's important.

Yours truly, Harland Williams, will be doing an incredible stand-up show in San Francisco at the Erbs Theater on September 4th. It's a Saturday night, and you can call 415-392-4-400 for tickets or go to City Box-Ox. office.com. That's the Erbs Theater, Saturday, September 4th, downtown San Francisco,

or check harlindwilliams.com. For more details, it's going to be an incredible night of stand-up and sketch comedy, all in one. So you can't miss it. You know, pull your vehicle out from underneath the lake, and, you know, if you don't want to drive up the highway, you can come in off the ocean, because, you know, as you know, San Francisco's right on the bay. So if you flood drivers, there's no excuses. And I do appreciate you for coming and hanging with me on the Harland Highway here. Hope you out a few laughs. Go write yourself a romantic letter or something.

And, you know, as always, until next time, chicken chow. Oh, mean, baby. Thank you.