The Harland Highway - PODCAST 135

Episode Date: July 7, 2010

Diets, celebrity races, BBQ Eddy, bikinis, stamps, strange sports. Lumley lulb lunks!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Under the boardwalk, down by the sea. I would rather listen to the sounds of the ocean than you singing, Mr. Williams. Okay, you got me again. It's Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to you and Yorin. And when I say Yorin, I don't mean Yorin van der Sloot. Is it any wonder that guy went on a murder rampage? His parents named him Yurin?

that's got to mess with a kid's head. Hi, this is my boy, Yurin, and his little sister bowel movement. I'm going to murder someone, Daddy. Shut up, urine, go to the bathroom. Anyways, I digress, even though I don't know what that word means. Today we are talking about some great things, talking about dieting, something we probably all can do a little bit more of. We are going to go to the celebrity racetrack.

Oh, my God, what a race we have today. I think Steve Martin's running today. I think Jenna Jameson, the porn star, is running. It's just going to be nuts. We have a great race today. Barbecue Eddie is hanging around, looking for someone to party with. We're going to be talking about swimwear, right? Swimware for men and women.

we're going to be talking about something kind of really we don't use as much as we used to anymore, but stamps. Remember, does anyone remember what a stamp is, a posted stamp? I barely remember, but, you know, I'll help you remember. We're going to be talking about weird sports like pole vaulting. What the hell? Who invented that freaky thing? So, you know, let's get your poll on and let's all go vaulting. down the Harlan Highway

You just made a wrong turn Would you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Ropspin And I'm your friend Riding down the Harland Highway

I'm not your daddy Well, well, well, you're on the Harlan Highway once again. Lucky you. Trying to get into shape for the summer so your belly's not flapping around on your pool side. Yeah, well, here's a new diet for you. It's my own diet. I call it the try diet. In other words, just try and eat right here in America.

Okay, everywhere you turn, there's a fast food joint Or some kind of bad food temptation It's reminiscent of an old horror movie But instead of a werewolf, it's a fast food chain They open the closet There's a fast food chain They look in their rearview mirror in their car What's that?

Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there's some kind of junk food waiting a spring on you. Quiznows, Arby's, Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's, IHop, Baskin Robbins, Carl's Jr., Taco Bell. You can't get away. Hey man, you're on a diet? Oh, yeah. What kind of diet? It's the try diet. What do you mean try diet?

I'm trying, but it ain't never going to happen. You're riding home with Harlan Williams. Nice try. I'll see your flabby gut over at the swimming pool, okay? Yeah, it is tough, man. It is tough to stay away from the fast food. It's kind of like a drug. I think people are addicted to it all over the place.

And it's hard to just shut it off, man. It really is the shiny. signs, the neon signs, the advertising, the commercials, the billboards on the side of a bus. Oh, everywhere you look, it's there, and when you're driving, you kind of have to fight to get home, right? Let's say you're going from work back home, and it's almost like running a gauntlet. You're like driving along, you're like, oh my God, I just passed the McDonald's. Oh, here comes a Burger King. Oh, I made it past the Burger King.

No, I made it past the Burger King. Oh my God, here comes the Arby's. Oh my God, I'm starting to turn. No, I gotta fight the steering wheel. I made it past the Arby's. Oh my God, here comes the Taco Bell. I can't hold off any longer. I give me five burritos, two tacos, a gordita.

right it's like a test of your willpower just to get home every day man that they should make one of those things uh you know how they got those devices for uh for cars uh they're like these kind of weird electronic devices if you start to fall asleep at the wheel it's like uh jolt you awake right or there's uh there's devices in cars if you blow into it you you And you got booze on your breath. The car won't start or it slows down. They should have that for fast food things, man. You just have like some kind of a device that you turn on. It puts a blinder up every time you get near a fast food place. There's a... Burger King.

Taco Bell. Right? or a DVD screen drops down from the front of your window there, your front window, and it just shows a bunch of cows being slaughtered at a slaughterhouse. Like, Burger King. Oh, wait a minute, what's this? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I got to get home and have a salad. Oh, my God. Right? It's got to be something, something to help us deal with it, man. Oh Oh well Enough for this talk I gotta go get some McNuggets

Hello I love coffee I love tea I love the job The java jive and it loves me I guess there was a story On the internet about some coffee shop that increased

Its profits by a thousand dollars a day simply by putting their female servers in bikini tops. Hello. Hello. Would you like some milk in that coffee, sir? Hello. I mean, not to be crude, but what a method for bringing in the folks. Now, you got to assume that probably 99% of the added customers

or the added traffic was of the middle. gender. Isn't that amazing? You throw a bikini top on something and the notice it gets, the attraction it creates, the brou-hoo-ha, the commotion, the spectacle? I'll tell you what, for all you presidential candidates, except for Hillary, all you dudes out there, you know, throw away the nice suit and tie, come out to the next debate wearing a neon green bikini top. okay apparently people are just drawn to them by the droves if you need that extra push to take yourself over the top throw on a bikini top it's all just waiting for you here in america living the dream with an over-the-shoulder boulder holder hello yeah i guess it would be kind of

funny to see a man walking around in a bikini maybe not so much funny as But imagine if the guy who invented bathing suits really didn't take into account the gender difference. He just, like, made a bathing suit for a woman. And that was it. One size fits all. Whoever you are, here's your bathing suit, right? Guys get into their little tiny thongs and their, uh, their tops, to cover their breasts.

Good Lord, what a world that would be. I think that would end, put an end to any type of promiscuity that existed. I think people would just be totally turned off of everyone if men wandered around in bikinis. Yuck! This is Eddie. He wants to party.

You just hang up Hello Oh, hey man, how's it going? Good. Awesome, it's Eddie. Who? Eddie, who? From the hardware store.

It's going to see if you wanted to grab a beer later or something? Who's Eddie? From the hardware store? Maybe grab a Heineken or... I don't know who it is from the hardware store. Maybe we could go down and grab some. some chicken wings and stuff. I don't know you.

Well, that doesn't mean we can't have a beer, does it? I don't think so. Watch the soccer game. No, it's okay, Eddie. Watch some chicken wings. What's that? Maybe get some chicken wings. No, no, it's okay.

I don't know we are a guy. Maybe some potato salad or something. Go get him yourself. Okay, bud. Do you take care. Oh, what? What the hell? Some chicken wigs.

What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today we have some wonderful races here. pure-cilled red celebrities

Linda Blair from the Exorcist movie Jenna Jameson Porn Star Extraordinaire actor-comedian Steve Martin and the first lady Michelle Obama straight from the White House to the celebrity racetrack. They're lined up and there they go, there they go. The gate

is open and Michelle Obama flying down the racetrack. The meat under her arms flapping in the wind big flabby wallows of meat, flapping jumping in the wind, and here comes Steve Martin. Steve Martin's coming in behind with his silver hair shining in the sun. He stops, he stops in front of the stands.

He's asking anyone, they've got a script, any type of movie script. He says it doesn't matter. He'll take anything he can get. He stopped carrying. He'll shoot anything. Just pay him, and he'll shoot any move you want. Jenna Jameson, Jenna Jameson running down the track, chasing down Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

Linda Blair, not happy. She can feel Jenna Jameson's breath on her back. Linda Blair spins her head all the way around and gives Jenna Jameson the look of death. Oh, she's just shot some green vomit wringing Jenna Jameson's face. But Jenna, in true porn star style, is licking it off her face and goggling it. And she's attacked. Oh, she's jumped on Linda Blair. It looks like Jenna Jameson's got Linda Blair pinned down.

And it looks like she just had a wrestling move. No, it's not. She's got Linda Blair in a 69 position, a 69 position. and Linda Blair's devil-like satanic tongue is doing some extraordinary licking. Jenna Jameson is in ecstasy, and when all this happens, Steve Martin has been able to slip by. He's in chase, giving chase to Michelle Obama. Her flabby underarm meat is causing a bit of a backdraft,

and Steve Martin is having trouble. He's also got a couple of scripts in his hands that seem to be slowing him down. Oh, and it looks like Linda Blair and Jenna Jameson have finished their act of passion. It looks like Linda Blair is now laying on her back and floating down the track. She's got all the power of Satan behind her. Jenna Jameson has tripped. Something's fallen out of her skin. It looks like she's tripped on some anal beads.

They've wrapped around her leg and tripped her up. Steve Martin stopping to look at scripts. And Michelle Obama has fallen behind Linda Blair. Linda Blair is floating past. Linda Blair has crossed the finish line with the help of the Darkmaster. What an exciting race. here today. Oh, my goodness. A wonderful, extraordinary close call right here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time in the winner's circle.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, it's happened. The price of a stamp is going to go up two cents. Two big ones. So let me ask you this. How many people that you correspond with in your life have just been dropped

because you don't think they're worth the extra two cents? You used to write to Bill and Eddie and Margaret and Hazel over in Germany and Aunt Teresa every Christmas and David up in Kentucky. But you know what? Don't David in Kentucky really isn't worth the extra two cents. I mean, that's going to add up. I got to economize, man. I got a budget.

What do they expect here? I'm going to write them a letter and pay an extra two cents. What am I made of cash? I bet it's fair to say that there's some kids that are alive today in the early teens who have never, ever even licked a stamp ever. Don't even know what the taste of a stamp is because they've just been emailing their whole life. They're missing out on that delicious, wonderful stamp taste

that we've all had to endure over the years. Oh, that's just delicious. It tastes like a mixture of car batterer, acid, stale toothpaste, listerine, and, I don't know, turpentine, thanks post office for such a lovely

lickable experience. Yeah, forget the two cents, man. Guess what, post office? I'm going to email for free. You're listening to Harlan Williams. At least my mouth will be free, but I can't say much for that carpal tunnel syndrome. Hello! Yeah, there's

not much in life that we're forced to taste that doesn't taste good, right? Like, you wouldn't drink sour milk, you wouldn't eat bitter food, you wouldn't eat something that's too salty. So who are the genius chefs? Okay, who are the Wolfgang Pucks over at the, uh, at the friggin' post office that whipped up the back of a stamp? Okay? Like, in this world where we can pretty much make anything taste like anything,

like, you know, half the foods you eat are just like liquid flavoring. Okay, canned goods and frozen foods. And, I mean, have you ever had barbecue flavored potato chips or ranch-style potato chips? Or salt and vinegar potato chips? Or, you know, you get a pack of gum that tastes like. like raspberries and blueberries. I mean, it's like Willy Wonka fever, man. I mean, they have jelly beans that taste like chocolate and licorice and cinnamon and popcorn.

So can't some dillweed at the post office learn how to make the back of a stamp taste like grape or peppermint or mint chocolate chip or Rocky Road or something? Does it have to taste? Like I just licked a hippopotamus's butt crack. Good Lord. This isn't science anymore. So how about it? How about it, post office? Maybe give Rachel Ray a call or Chef Ramsey.

Or someone. You know, just give them a few grand and make them whip up like a butterscotch stamp or a turkey. dinner stamp or a buttered popcorn stamp or you know dig up paul newman and make a newman's own postage stamp something do i have to keep licking that turpentine there you go that that's that's uh that's the new mission for the uh for the post office and in the meantime let me ask you this. Is it wrong that I lick every email that I send? I'm just

I'm so used to putting a stamp on a letter that whenever I write an email, I lick it, I lick my computer screen as if I'm licking a stamp and then I hit send and it's wrong, isn't it? Okay, I'm a moron.

Thanks a lot. Hello, may I help you? Yes, I'm looking for a 30-foot pole. please. Excuse me? Yes, I want to do some pole vaulting. I don't know what you're talking about, but we have a sale on badminton rackets, and we also have rollerblades, and we've got... No, I want to go pole vaulting.

I don't know what that is, but we have tennis rackets and shorts on sale for $7.99. I want to go pole vaulting. I don't know. What a weird... Run down the track, stick a pole and a wedge. Fly up in the air! Go over it. stick, land on a mattress, and have a little rest. Tadda!

A bizarre sport, man. Mommy, Daddy, I want to be a Polvalter. Yeah, you want to be a Polvalta? Yeah, I want to be a Polvalta. Oh, look at that, Ingrid. He wants to be a Polvalter. Oh, that's lovely. He wants to be a Polo Walter.

Yeah, I want to be a Polo Walter. Well, then you shall be a Polo Walter. The best Polo Walter ever in the whole... World, you shall vault yourself to the top. Yeah, I will vault myself all the way to the top, Papa. Don't give me any sassy talk. I just said, Papa. Shut up and pole vault all the way to your room and no dessert.

Ah! Pole vaulting. Jeez. Give that sport to a porno star. That they'd win gold. Hello. Yes. There are some weird sports out there, man.

Aren't there? I mean, they're just kind of out of date and kind of weird. Like the shop put, man. Like, what the hell is that sport still doing around? Let's take a cannonball and see how far we can throw it. Well, how about this? We invented cannons since the Olympics, were invented in Greece in 20,000 BC.

Okay? There's no more need to throw cannon balls. Just stuff them in the damn cannon and shoot them. They go a lot farther and a lot harder than any big fat guy from Denmark can throw them. Imagine that in the middle of a war. It's like, you know, fat guys running around, using fat guys as cannons. Hey, man, the enemy's coming. Send to Ingrid over the hill and have them throw the cannonballs.

Yeah, smart, man. Real smart. Discus, another one. Weird sport. I think one of the weirdest sports of all, if you can call it as sports. sport is walking. Have you ever seen this sport? Yeah, walking. The gold medal goes to this old lady who walked to the mall today. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-la. Like walking? What the hell? That's ridiculous. How do you train? Well, I walk. And how do you do the sport? Well, I walk some more.

and what do you see me doing right now walking away yeah because you're an idiot oh keep sports real man don't need any of these wackadoodle sports happening man see uh what's your sport oh i'm a professional sleeper man what do you mean well i uh sleep and uh you know then the alarm goes off and uh i get up that's your sport Yeah, sleeping. I'm really good. I'm a pro, man. Used to be amateur, but now I've gone pro. I got a sponsor. Sealy's behind me, man. I got Sealy, posthrapedic, and, uh, you know, really, uh, really giving it a go, man. This year I'm training on a king size. You want to come watch me train?

What do you mean? Well, I'm going to be having a nap in half an hour. Idiot. I'm going to walk out of here. Yeah, I used to do that, but now I'm sleeping. It's a much easier sport. up yours okay thanks i could use one of those what anyways get a real sport you freaks pickups what are they why are they and what do they mean they're the dumbest thing out of all the human being things that we do do. Believe me, our bodies do a lot. We burp, we fart, we sneeze. There, that one is the most random, bizarre. It has no function. I think they're just a time-waster. I don't know why they're here. Okay? Kind of like the same way we had Wilson Phillips a few years ago. Why?

Why were they here? I want to know the mystery, the great mystery of the hiccup. Leave me a message. Somebody school me in the lessons of hiccups. Yes, they are annoying. But you know what? There's something that might be even more annoying. This happens to me all the time, and I can't stand it.

You ever go out for a nice little meal, go out for lunch or dinner at a restaurant, right? And everything's cool, then your bill comes, and they give you that little leather thing that they put the bill in, you know, after you've given them your credit card, right? You flap it open and you fill out the bill and you figure out the tip and you do your nice little signature and you go to fold it all up and you put it in your wallet

and then all of a sudden you see there's like, three other copies of the same bill you just filled out. And you're like, what the hell is this all about? And then you look and right at the bottom in small print, it says restaurant copy. And you go, wait a minute. If that's the restaurant copy, then what the hell did I just put in my wallet? So you open it up and you go, oh, I got the guest copy. Okay, so I haven't filled out the restaurant one yet.

So then you got to do it all again because you don't really know. need to fill all that crap out for your guest copy, do you? Or it can work the other way around, right? You fill out the restaurant copy and you think, okay, this is for my records and you fold it up and you put it in your wallet and then you go to close the thing up and you look and then there's the guest copy and I'm totally mixed up right now. But that's what I'm getting at. It's a mess up.

Why can't they just give us one little thing? remember the old one it was like a white one with a yellow one underneath right so you'd write on the white one you'd give them the yellow one you keep the white one it was crystal clear but now there's like seven white ones it's a waste of paper it's a waste of time and it's very very confusing especially for a simple minded person like me i'm not good at that stuff man pain just a pain pain pain we'll tell you what's not a pain laughter is not a pain laughing feels good and that's why right now i want to invite you to an incredible show uh it's happening in san francisco on september the fourth it's a saturday night make this your saturday night plan on

September 4th, kicking off the fall. Yours truly, Harlan Williams, will be doing stand-up live at the Erbs Theater, H-E-R-B-S-T, Erbs Theater in San Francisco, right downtown on Van Nass, right next to the Opera House, stunning, gorgeous theater. And I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy, and then I'm going to be coming back out and doing sketch comedy and improv comedy, and it's a whole night. of all different styles of comedy. You are going to love it.

We've been doing it in other cities across the country. People are loving it. So here's how you get your tickets, my friends. Call the cityboxoffice.com or hold on. Wait a minute. See, I'm still mixed up by the whole bill thing. Email cityboxoffice.com and you can reserve your tickets. You can pick your seats.

Or if you want to call the box office, it's a first. 415-392-4-400. Again, that's 415-392-4-00. The Earbs Theater, stand-up and improv comedy, Saturday, September 4th, San Francisco. If you live in Oakland, you live in Fairfax, you live in San Jose, you live in Millie Vanilli, which can't be good for you, yuck, get your butt out there. And come have a laugh with us.

Hope to see you there. Because here, well, it's done for today. That's all the time I have boys and girls, men and women, grannies and grandpaws. Shut up, you bastard. Up yours. Up yours, too, you son of a bitch, with your podcast. Cranky old bastard. I heard that, you podcast, bastard.

Up yours. Wow. All right. Well, that's clearly my cue to get out of here. You bet your ass it is. Move out. Get off my lawn, you prick. Wow. Okay. Well, hey, I'm going to move on. I hope you had a good time today, folks. We'll catch you next time right here on the Harland Highway. And until then, chicken chow main, baby. Get out up yours. Don't chicken chowain me, you son of a prick. Get out. Get off my property! Help yours!