The Harland Highway - PODCAST 136

Episode Date: July 9, 2010

Smoking, BBQ Eddy, Whiney rules, kids on planes, fast food, and Dr. Ascot. Merciful Mongo Meat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

His name was Rico. He was a showboy, but that was 40 years ago when Rico had a podcast now. He's a la, la. Okay, okay, enough. Enough of the Copacabana. You are on the Harlan Highway, not at the Copacabana. You figure out which one is better. I can't do it for you.

All I can tell you is that today we have an incredible show. I say that every time. Have I lied to you yet? I hope not. Welcome. We have some incredible topics today, some great guests, some great aromas, all of it. Today we're going to be talking about smoking in the movies, right? You ever go to the movies and you see people smoking? Well, there's people that object to that. In fact, we're going to be talking. talking about all the whiny rules that exist in society, in your community, in life, all the whiny rules that we were all born to break here on the highway. And something I would like to break is the habit of people bringing kids onto planes. Oh, my God. We're going to be talking about kids on planes. Our old friend Eddie, the barbecue king, is looking for someone to party with.

he's going to show up today. We're going to be talking about fast food, in particular breakfast fast food. What the hell is in those eggs they serve? Hello. And of course it's Friday, so I got to meet with Dr. Ascot, the most annoying therapist in the world

to work out all our problems, which is what we always do here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Okay, people. How many of you have had to endure? a long flight with a kid sitting and near you.

A crying, screaming, yelling kid. Okay, nothing more annoying. I'd rather have bamboo shoved under my fingernails. I'd rather hear Rosie O'Donnell sing the national anthem in my ear. I'd rather have two people with leprosy give me a massage. Oh, the kids, man, on a plane, you're trapped. who tossed in a play pen at a daycare center and they won't let you out for four hours. I got to go.

Now you're going to stay right in there and play with those kids. I don't want to play with the kids. I'm 40 years old. I don't care. You're going to play with the kids. Thanks a lot. Could you kick my chair one more time? Dennis the Menace?

It's like Village of the Damned at 30,000 feet. Little brats. Get one of those Hannibal Lecter face masks and put it on your kid. Yeah, you know the one, the leather one. with the bars over the mouth and the straight jacket that'll shut those little freaks up screw flying I'm sticking to where it's safe right here

on the Harland Highway oh my god it's like that movie snakes on a plane remember that one where people were on the plane and there were serpents squiggling through the luggage racks and through the cockpit and under the seats that's what it's like with these kids and nothing

makes me clench up more than seeing a baby. You know, you're sitting in your chair and you're just, you know, you're chilling out. You've got your peanuts and your orange juice and everyone's walking into the plane. You're getting ready to take off. And, oh, there's a fat guy. There's a black guy. There's a white guy. There's a Chinese guy.

And there's a woman with two kids, one in each arm. Oh, my God. Your whole body just goes rigid. You're like, don't sit near me. Don't sit near me. Please don't sit near me. Oh, my God. She sat right behind me.

It's worse than having a... Like, you know, I swear to God, I'd rather see a guy that resembles like a Muslim terrorist wander in and sit right next to me, carrying a suitcase and a bulge under his Camorra or whatever the hell they call them. The things that they wear. I mean, my God, I'd really probably rather blow up than fly from New York to California with a crying baby beside me.

Just let me blow up, Lord. Oh, my God. Or pray that the kids have peanut allergies, right? And when the stewardess comes by, peanuts? Oh, yeah. Yeah, give me a bag. Give me seven or eight bags. Just start flicking them at the babies.

Boing, point, point. Oh, Lord, love us. They should make, like, baby planes, right? You know, they got baby, everything else. They got baby daycare centers. They got, you know, baby strollers. They got baby seats. They should just make miniature airplanes.

You know, they're the size of, like, a Greyhound bus or a minivan. You know, just slap some wings on them, drag them behind the, the big jets just put a cable on there and we can just drag behind a bunch of babies crying and finally we land and you unload your damn babies oh god knowing my luck i'd get i'd get buy a half-price ticket on uh one of those you know dot-com thingies hey look at this man i got a plane ticket to uh to Florida for 1495. Oh, yeah, where's your seat, man?

Well, look, it's B-22. Yeah, you know what the B's for, don't you? What, baby? What? Yeah, you're on the baby plane, loser. Ah! Oh, God. Or maybe women need to...

Maybe we have to surgically alter women, physically alter women and give them kangaroo pouches, right? Well, genetically, we'll splice a woman and a kangaroo together, and the new modern women of the future will have pouches like kangaroos, and they have to stuff their babies in there during a flight, just like drop lettuce and carrots and stuff down so the babies can eat, and we don't have to hear them. Oh, God.

You're probably sitting there going, well, maybe we don't want to hear you, Williams. Well, too bad, because you're stuck right here flying with me on the Harland Highway. Good morning, Megan Air Prizes. Hey, man, how's it going? Very good. Who's this? Uh, this is Eddie. He's going to see if you want to do, uh, have a barbecue today or something?

No. Maybe go grab a couple of beers or something or... Hello? What the... Hey, what the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Are we a whiny country or what? A bunch of little crybaby. He's just waiting for the next thing they can harp on about. Apparently, there's a group that wants to make a movie rated R if anyone in the movie has seen smoking. Okay? Ooh, oh my God, somebody's smoking. We can't have our children see that.

God forbid, a fictional character in a movie would smoke. They smoke? Oh, my God. That can't be really. right? Who smokes in real life? My children can't see that. But meanwhile, I'm happy to send them to see Spider-Man where people get their heads smashed through brick walls

and people fall off buildings and people are shooting at each other with guns. I thought this was supposed to be the land of the free, man. You think your kids aren't going to be aware that they're smoking and drinking in the world? Stop looking for meaningless, stupid things to make our society even more uptight and paranoid. You want to make everything restricted so we can't do anything? And then it's against the law to not do anything?

You're going to jail. What for? You didn't do anything. But I'm not allowed to. That's not my problem. You should have done something. Okay, I'll have a cigarette. You're going to jail. What for?

Smoking. Yeah, there is a lot of whining out there, isn't there? I want to know if there's a whiny rule in your neighborhood or community. Give me a call 323-215-14-86. And let me hear it. Let me hear about the stupid rule in your neighborhood, the one that drives you nuts, the one that drives you wacky. You know, no parking here or no standing there or no

looking or know this or know that no laying ostrich eggs you know picky little rules um there's a sign up in my neighborhood where uh you know they've they've got all these reminders for people to uh don't let their dogs poo you know or pick up your poo and i got to tell you man whoever came up with that rule should be dropped in a bucket of poo man if i see one more person and bending down and picking up a log of dog shit. I'm going to shoot myself. When did that become a rule, man? Holy God!

There was a time when you could just walk around and there was logs of poo everywhere. There was poodle poo. There was Rottweiler poo. There was Dalmatian poo. There was Chihuahua poo. And it made walking kind of fun. It kind of made it like playing hopscotch.

you know, you had to skip down the street and try to avoid the low flame there. You know, it was ridiculous. And then every now and then, you'd see some Italian guy and some fine leather Corinthian shoes and there was just like a set of chocolate footprints right down the sidewalk

and they'd lead to some guy in a white shirt and a cigarette and a yellow sweater. Sure enough, there was like a big lobe stuck in his shoe, right? It made life interesting, and it made it kind of like an obstacle course. When you went out for a walk, you know, you kind of had to be on your toes. Can you imagine today, nowadays, modern days, the two forces of dog poo on the sidewalk

and people texting while they walk coming together? You know, people go into that texting zombie walk, they stare down at their phone and walk. and somehow know the light's green and they know people are coming. But can you imagine people just looking at their phones, preoccupied texting, how many loaves of dog poo they'd step in, man? That would clean up the problem right there, huh?

For every dog to pooed, some idiot texting would clean it up when I got stuck in that little space, you know, between the soul of your foot and your heel. There's that little pocket. Right? Where the arches. It's kind of like a dog poo compartment. It's crazy. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But I got to tell you, if I see one more person bend down with their little bag and pick up poo, it's disgusting, man, especially a hot woman. Okay, I live in Hollywood, there's models everywhere, there's gorgeous girls, and I can't tell you how quickly I get turned off.

When I see some haughty walking her lasso-Apsow, and all of a sudden the thing stops and cracks a giant turd. And some chick from the Victoria's Secret catalog bends down and picks it up with her $300 friggin' nails and her perfectly manicured hands. What the hell is wrong with this picture? They should put that in the Victoria's Secret catalog. Some chicken lingerie with angel wings on her back picking up a St. Bernard turd. Good Lord, man. is just disgusting. Whoever came up with that rule, that law,

I want to put a cigarette out, right in your face, dressed as Spider-Man. Oh, man. Well, you know, I guess every neighborhood, every community has their problems. Everybody has their problems. And today is Friday,

and you know what that means. I have to deal with my problems. I have to do my mandatory. psychiatric session with the in-house psychiatrist here, Dr. Ascot. Do not look forward to it. But I guess I have no choice

or they're going to give me a pink slip. Ah, God, I hate this guy. Hello, Alland. Oh, brother. Hello. Hello. What's with the attitude, Arland? It's not attitude, I just hate this.

Holland, it's for your own good. It's annoying is what it is, and you're annoying. What are you wearing pink pants for? Holland. Only you would wear pink pants, ask God. Holland. What are we doing today? Let's get it over with. Holland, do you see how restless you are, how anxious you are behaving?

Well, it's probably because you are here. It doesn't matter why, Harlan. It's just that you are anxious. And when you're anxious, Holland, you're not in rhythm. I'm not in rhythm. Oh, boy. Look at you. Holland.

What do you mean I'm not in rhythm? When you're anxious, you don't have a good rhythm. And when you don't have a good rhythm, you're not psychological. in a sound place, Arland. Oh, brother. So what do you want me to do about it? Do you see what I have in my hand, Arland? Yes.

What are they? It looks like you have drumsticks. Exactly, Alland, drumsticks. Okay, and... Today, Arland, we are going to do an exercise to help you find your rhythm. Find my rhythm. And how, in the name of hell do we do that, genius?

What do we do? Holland, I want you to tell me a story from your childhood. And as you're speaking, I will keep rhythm on your head with these drumsticks. What? I will keep a rhythm on your head with these drumsticks so you can get your rhythm back. Wait a minute, you're going to hit me on the head with these drumsticks. drumsticks well i tell a story from my childhood and that will get you your rhythm back allan no i'm not doing it allan i'm not going to do that you will get a pink slip from the higher ups allan oh god all right what do you want me to do

tell me a story from your childhood allan and i will keep rhythm oh okay i'll never forget one time i I was walking home from school, and I bumped into this guy, Billy Peterson. And Billy... Ow, ow! What the hell was that, Ascot? I was playing bongos on your head, Arland. What are you nuts? Arlen, keep telling your story. Oh, my God.

Tell the story, Arlen. So I'm walking home, and Billy Peterson approaches me on the sidewalk. And all of it... Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell are you doing? Holland, I'm keeping rhythm.

Keep going. This is ridiculous. Holland. So he meets me on the sidewalk, and he says, where are you going, kid? And I said, I'm going... Ow! Do you mind if I finish my story?

Is this really necessary? Holland, it's all about getting your rhythm back. Oh, my God! So he stops me on the sidewalk, and he says, Where are you going, kid? And I said, I'm going home. And he goes, yeah, well, you got to get around me first. And I'm going to.

Okay, that doesn't. This isn't working. I want to see in one psychologist textbook that it says this is a tried and true practice. You sit here and hammer on your patient's head with drumsticks. Well, he's trying to turn. Ow! Ow! Ow! Would you knock it off? I'm trying to... Ow! Cut it out!

Holland. This is pathetic! There's no way this could be a real method. There's no... Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ow! I'm telling you, knock it off right... Ow! Ow!

Get the hell off my head, aska! Ow! Ow! Ow! It's bruising! Stop it! Ohland, one more. No, no. Ow! Stop it!

Arlen, get ready for the big finish. What do you mean big finish? What are you doing pulling out a cowbell and a symbol and what the hell is that? Holland, it's for the big finish. What big finish? What are you doing? Ow! Oh! Stop it!

Ow! Oh! Right in the temple! What are you doing? Oh! Oh! Oh my God! You idiot, you're bruising my head.

Get out of here. This is ridiculous. This is archaic. Holland. Get out of here, Ascot. Do you mind if I play the Star Spangled Banner? Get out of here! Unbelievable, getting my rhythm back.

What a doorknob. I can play that song. Get out! This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. I'm Monica Bay. How am I direct your car? Hi, how's it going?

Okay, how are you doing? Great. Can I see if you wanted to maybe grab a beer later or something? Maybe. Awesome. What time are you free? After seven. Oh, fantastic. Maybe we could go down to O'Hulahans? Yeah. Have a Budweiser, maybe throw around to Heineken or something?

Mm-hmm. Awesome. What time can I pick you up? Nine o'clock. Awesome. I'll see you then. Okay. Thanks a lot. Awesome.

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hi, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip. Are you tired of waking up and not having enough time for breakfast before you go to work? You just don't seem to have the minutes. the day to pull out the fry pan, crack the eggs, and fry the bacon. Well, here's what you do. Crack the eggs over your open mouth and just eat them raw. Let them slide down your throat.

It'll take less than 4.5 seconds. As for the bacon, just take the whole package into the car, cut it open, and eat it raw on the way to work. That way you're having a fine, healthy breakfast, and not losing valuable time. Just another friendly tip from Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. My name is Talky Tina. And you'd better be nice to me. Or what about the drive-through breakfast? How many of you do that, the fast food drive-thru breakfast?

I worry about those eggs that they use. I think in McDonald's, they actually crack a real egg and cook it and put it in your egg McMuffin. But most of those other places, have you ever taken the bun off of that breakfast sandwich? And it just looks like a yellow piece of foam insulation. You know the stuff they inject between your walls and your house? Or that's up in the attic, right? Or it looks like a freshly used shampoo. wow cloth or something it looks like you know maybe they made it at a lumber yard out of

particle board or they put a bunch of sawdust into a high-pressure press and just eggs are ready all right move that sheet over there and cut them up with the buzzsaw right it's very ambiguous as to what that sheet of egg is on your bun And they kind of fold it like a carpet or a turban or something? I don't know. It's just a little too sketchy for me. It's like I need to go to McDonald's and see a real egg sitting on that bun, man. If I want a foam insulation sandwich, you know, I'll stop at 7-Eleven, grab a bag of English muffins,

and head over to Home Depot. Excuse me Yes Could you tell me where the insulation aisle is please Isle number seven Can I help you? No I'm okay I'm just gonna make a breakfast sandwich Oh okay the insulation

Yes that's right Would you like to put a sprinkler on top Oh that sounds delicious Isle 4 Wonderful, thank you I mean God man It's unbelievable The stuff they put in food that we don't really know what it is.

There's a lot of weird, like, byproducts. And how about that fake crab? You ever seen that stuff? They get a bunch of really bad fish out of the ocean. I think specifically they use a fish called Pollock. It swims around in the cold waters off the coast of Maine and New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. and it's kind of one of those junky fish. There's huge schools of it, but it doesn't really taste good.

So the geniuses at Seafood Central have figured out, well, if we mush it up, put it in a blender, just pulverize it, and then put it in a fridge and reform it and press it into the shape of a crab leg and then paint the outside pink. So it looks like a crab leg. this crap kind of tastes like crab or crap the two words are very close

I think it's just a difference of a B and a P you know and we shove it in a buffet you know when people get to a buffet they get that glazed over look in their eye and they're you know they become zomified they're just like food

food they just want to shovel it in So at that point, they're not going to stop and pick up the thing that looks identical to a real crab. Like you go, huh, is this real crab or what? No, it's too late. It's just like, hey, crab. Sure tasted like crab. Yeah, mine tasted like crap.

Same thing. Okay. So I don't know. Be careful with what you eat. And more than that, be careful about. what goes into your ears. It's one thing to watch what goes into your mouth, but really be careful about what goes into your ears.

And I think you know where I'm going with this. Make sure the only thing going into your ears is the Harland Highway because I want you to be of healthy mind. So there you go. And one way you can really get healthy, because you know laughter is the best medicine. I am going to tell you about an incredible stand-up comedy show that I don't want you to miss. Oh, my God, September 4th in San Francisco, Saturday, September 4th at the Erbs Theater,

H-E-R-B-S-T in San Francisco. I will be doing a stand-up comedy show with some special guests. Then we're going to have an intermission, and then we're going to have a huge sketch comedy improv blowout me and my buddy from the Groundlings Improv School Brian Palmero will be there and we are going to tear it up, man. So make sure you get your tickets to the Erbs Theater

September 4th Saturday in San Francisco at the city box office.com or you can call 415-392-4-400. Get your tickets now, and it's going to be great. It's going to be a lot of fun, and I hope you can make it out. And if you don't live in the region, well, hell, notify your friends who do live, Oakland, Fairfax, San Jose, San Fran. your buns out to the Herbs Theater, September 4th, and it'll be well worth it. Oh, I hope today was well worth it.

I hope this podcast was well worth it. I hope you had a good time here today. We learned so very much, didn't we? We always do, and it's great to have you here, and we're all done. So until next time, my friends, you know what I'm about to say. and chow mean, baby.