The Harland Highway - PODCAST 137

Episode Date: July 12, 2010

Urban myths, Street lingo, customized pets, driving in the blind spot, honking the horn, hand writing madness. Butterscotch toenail sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

don't stand so don't stand so close to me because you smell um no you don't smell maybe you do i don't know just don't stand so close to me okay that's why i'm doing a podcast so you can't stand so close to me how rude is that i'm rude right out of the gate aren't i god um but it's going to warm up things are going to get plighter we're going to be laughing together soon because you are on the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams, and what a fun, nutty show we have today. We're going to be talking about urban myths, okay? Going to be peeling the lid off urban myths.

We're going to break one down, see if it's true or fall. So we're going to be getting into street lingo, you know, talking trash on the street. street. We're going to be talking about pets, but more specifically, customized pets. Yeah, you can customize your pet, kind of the way you customize yourself with plastic surgery. We're going to be talking about driving and that weird phenomenon known as the blind spot. We're going to be talking about your car horns, which I don't think you use enough of. And we're going to be analyzing handwriting because we all do it. We all handwrite, especially when we're driving.

Right here, down, the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's up, bra? What's up, bra? Okay, who came up with that one? What's up, bra? Yeah, I know it means brother. It's short for brother. There's no A and brother, okay?

It's not brother. It's brother. Okay, we've got, what's up, bro? Fine. But who came up with the? what's up bra you know what a bra is a bra is something that holds

women's breasts on their chest keeps them from wiggling and jiggling and flopping and bounce and that's what a bra is so next time you go what's up bra i'm gonna go what's up with you panties what's up victoria secret what's up teddy okay get off your uh your bra thing man what's up over the shoulder bull Holder, Holder.

Nothing, man. Except with you there, jockstrap. Well, not much. But plug. How about you strap on? You know, it just gets worse and worse. But let's drop the bra and get back to the bro. Okay, bra.

Bro? Okay. Yeah, it's street lingo, man, is what it is. And, uh, I'm not a hundred percent sure. if this is historically accurate. But I think that type of lingo evolved or came from the street, primarily in black neighborhoods. I think a lot of that street dialect is, you know,

something that was created by the brothers, by the brothers. And I could be wrong. So don't hold me to it. but I think that's the origin of a lot of that vocabulary. And the reason I'm pointing that out is because whether it's accurate or not, I always find it amusing and almost nauseating when I see white guys going down the street with that stuff. You know, you get a freckle-faced kid from Cleveland or a pasty white albino from Florida. Yeah, what's up, bro, what's up, gee?

Hey, what's up? Why are you tripping, man? Let's go to the mall and get some frozen yogurt. What's up? It just doesn't sit right, man. It doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. I don't know.

Maybe it's just organic to the black community when a black guy says stuff like that. It just fits. It feels cool. It's kind of tough. It's edgy. Unless you get the black guys where it's so over the top where you can't even understand them. It sounds like their mumbling.

Like, yeah, my little son, I got a thing, and I got the little brother's going to go cranking all the time. And they go, oh, we got a whole fast. I'm going to have a fucker. What? No, I didn't. No, I didn't. What are you saying? Let's go.

What's all this is. I'm going to be my brother told those crankers. Huh? so sometimes it can go off too far and then it comes right back to the middle where the cool black guys are doing it and then you go into the white guys who just I don't know man

it just doesn't fit especially the white guys with corn rolls in their hair oh my god and white guys trying to wear the bling and represent and I don't know it just looks wrong you know and I don't know if you think it's racist

or it's segregating things but there are certain sex of any society where certain people look right in something and other parts of society don't look right like you know

somehow you see a Saudi woman in a burqa or a veil and somehow it seems to fit It's entrenched in our minds. It's entrenched in their culture. You know, every now and then you see someone at the mall who's, you know, some freckle-faced Scottish chick, you know, from Canada,

who's decided to, you know, make the transition from a pasty white Catholic girl. Suddenly she wants to be a Muslim and she's rolling down the street in her Volkswagen with a veil on her face. and like, what the hell? Is there a parade today or something? What the hell? Is that Ronald McDonald under that veil? What's with the red hair and the freckles leaking out?

Right? So sometimes things just seem to fit better with others. So I don't know what you'd call. I call it an observation. You might think, what a racist statement. What a, how can he say stuff like that? Why?

Because it's an observation. that's why don't you have any observations about anything or are you too afraid to express them bra huh um which doesn't mean to say people can't do it people can't slip over people can't immerse themselves in other uh culture cultures and uh culture fashions and cultural sayings and terminology and lingo and all that stuff. I'm just saying sometimes it's like a tough fit, man. You know? It's like seeing a fat guy in the Olympics.

Just, okay, that doesn't really work. Who's the 450-pound guy running down the track about eight miles behind the skinny guy from Nairobi? And then you go, if he did catch, He'd probably eat them like a drumstick. So there you go. It's my big comment. You might want to argue it.

I don't know. Call me 323-215-1486 here on the Harland Highway. Bra. Do you ever watch that show, The Mythbusters on Discovery? You know where they take urban myths, urban legends, and they dispel them, they prove them wrong, or right, if the case may be. well I decided I wanted to try that I mean why not why give them all the fun right hello so you ever hear of that saying I'm so hungry I could eat a horse

we've all heard it oh man I'm so hungry I can eat a horse well I wanted to see if it's actually possible to be hungry enough to eat a horse so look guys bring that horse in here bring it in yeah bring it in right okay right there just tie it off against the microphone stand there and i'm going to eat a horse because i'm hungry and i feel i could eat a horse and this segment is not for animal lovers or horse lovers it's it's not going to be pretty but uh you know this is in the uh in the name of common science so here i go i am going to eat a horse okay there goes a leg oh oh oh oh oh okay there goes a leg oh oh oh that hoof's going down pretty

hold on oh i i i i i oh okay got the hoof down let's go for uh the flank here Not bad, not bad, this tail. Let's try the tail. Okay. Hair ball. Okay, that tail was a little hairy. Let's go for the neck and the head here. Might as well just suck those down.

Just like a jello shot. Just sucked a horse head right down my throat. That was delicious. Okay. And let's see. We got the sides left and the rump and the special area, which I'm probably going to save for last, because I don't know if I'm that hungry that I want to eat the whole horse. Okay, let's eat the sides, ribs.

Okay, the rear end. And last but not least. Is it a male or a fee? Oh, great. It's a male. Okay, come on, guy. What do you mean? No, I ate the whole thing.

I'm not eating that last part. Okay, I'm creating a new saying, I'm so hungry I could eat 99.9% of a horse. What do you mean that sounds too technical? I'm not eating the horse weiner, okay? What? You can make me a bum that long? Oh, okay.

If you can get me a bun that long, you can be like a horse hot dog. Okay. Oh, thanks. Okay, that was a little awkward. I hope that doesn't officially make me gay or anything. I just ate a horse hot dog, but there it is, folks.

I did it. I'm so hungry. I actually ate a horse. Uh-oh, here comes a burp. Hold on. Here comes a burp. Wow, that's some horse gas right there. Well, there you have it.

Another myth busted here on the Harland Highway. Okay, so here's the story. You tell me if you think this is cute, like, oh, cute, or ridiculous, all right? It could go either way. I'll let you be the judge. But here's what happened. Every now and then people get their animals, like their dogs or their cats or their horses,

and I guess they're not quite content with the way God created them. So they alter them. And the latest thing, you could probably find these pictures on the Internet somewhere. Someone has created a creature called the PAND dog. Okay, and what it is, it's you, someone's taking a chow dog.

You know, you've seen chow chows. And I guess they have the same kind of fluffy fur as a panda bear. And so what they've done is they've taken chow chow's, white chow chow chow's, and dyed their hair around their eyes and on their back. and specifically put, like, black panda spots on all the appropriate places that you would see them on a real panda. You know how pandas have the traditional, like, I think their front legs are black, and they've got the patches on their eyes, and then their butts are black, whatever, you know. So they've kind of mimicked this pattern, and they've turned chow chow's into what looked like.

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throw your back out. And yeah, I got to admit they're kind of cute, but you know, can you imagine the panic at the park? At the dog park, when everyone's running their poodles and their Dalmatians and their weaner dogs and all of a sudden a bear shows up? What the hell who's that with the bear? What the, everyone's running because as cute as pandas look, they're still bears and they'll probably eat your dog and eat you. But I guess the question is that animal abuse? Does anyone consider that animal abuse when you paint? You paint your animal?

I think every now and then you see it during St. Patrick's Day in a parade. You'll as all of a sudden you'll see a green horse walking down the road. What? The hell's that? Well, it's St. Patrick's Day. I had to paint me horse green, you know. Oh, you did? Oh, of course I did shiver me timbers.

Come here, let me paint you, you a greasy freak. I mean, is it going too far? I mean, you know, what do you? Let's say you're not happy with your horse. You've always wanted a unicorn. What do you slam an iron fence post into its forehead? Come here, horse. There we go.

I got me a unicorn. Meanwhile, the horse is having a seizure on the ground. Or you're not happy with your cat anymore. You know, I've always wanted a prehistoric saber-tooth tiger. Let me get some kitchen knives. Let me get some steak knives and just jam. Just jam them up there in my kitty's upper gum line. Oh, look at those knives hanging out.

I got me a saber-tooth Sammy's cat. Meanwhile, the knives weigh so much. The cat falls over face first. The knife stick into the hardwood floor and he's trapped. Just his back legs spinning in the air. Or maybe you want a flying pig. You ever want one of those? Oh, flying pig?

Why don't you just maybe grab some of those Victoria's secret angel wangs and slap them on your sow and see if you can train your pig to get up on two feet and walk down the catwalk? I'm too sexy for my... Too sexy for my... Oh, God. Unbelievable. Well, that's what happens, man.

I think I'll grow a bunch of melanomas scabs all over my body and become a leopard for the next few years before I shingle up and die. Right here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, my God, watch out for that car. There's a car coming up beside you. Watch out, watch, watch. Oh, my God! Yeah, you've had people do that before, right?

And it's because of the old blind spot when you're driving. The old blind spot. Who designed cars? Okay? I mean, we get in them. We start them up. We hit the highway, usually doing about 80 miles an hour. Okay.

And the engineers decided just to make it a little more challenging. Get your blood pumping a little higher. let's throw in a blind spot. Let's design a vehicle that if you look out of it at a certain way, you can't see anything. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just a little trick from us, us engineers,

here at the Ford Motor Company and Chrysler and Toyota. Jokes on you, drivers. Blind spot, ha, I can't see nothing, huh? Gee, real funny. Do you believe it? A blind spot. There's no blind spot anywhere else in life, is there? Unless you're full-on blind.

You've got a dog named Spot. I mean, why'd they have to put it on a car, man? I don't need a blind spot And shouldn't they Shouldn't they sell like seeing eye dogs or something Or Some kind of animal Seeing blind spot dog

Every time you kind of hit that blind spot There's like a chihuahua hanging on the side of your car Oh thank you I didn't see that guy coming up beside me Yeah I know it's a blind spot Stop barking I mean, some kind of warning, some kind of device. I mean, blind people have dogs and help them see.

I mean, if we got a blind spot, we need a seeing blind dog. A seeing blind spot dog. Uh, Ted, I hate to tell you this man, but there's a St. Bernard stuck to the side of your Dodge neon. Oh, don't mind him. That's my new, uh, seeing blind spot dog. Are you kidding me, man? No, I'm not. I thought you used to have a chihuahua.

Yeah, I got rid of that. My blind spot got bigger, so needed a bigger seeing blind spot dog. Wow, I'm really impressed. That's a beautiful animal. Yeah, what about the Dodge Neon? I can't say I really like that piece of crap. Okay. Thank you.

Oh, huh. Yeah, okay. All right. Hearing all these horns go off, it makes me wonder how many of you are hesitant to use your horn? How many of you are trepidacious about using your horn? Here's a thing for you right now. If you're in your car right now, I want you to honk your horn. Just give it a toot.

Right now. Come on. I'm waiting. Ready? Three, two, one. Honk. There, didn't that feel good? Too many people, and every now and then, I'm guilty of this, but I'm a horn guy. I love my horn, man. It's like giving someone the finger, right? But without using your hands. And it's like, they can't do anything. It's like, eh, up yours. But, you know, sometimes people, you'll be driving, and you can see it, like you can see a bad driver in front of them, and they start drifting over into their lane,

and people, rather than use their horn, will, like, drift with them, or they'll slam on their brakes, or they'll, you know, they'll avoid using the horn. Well, don't. Be horn happy. Be trigger happy with your horn, man. It can save your life. It can save somebody's life. They put it there for a reason, you know.

It's not like you have brakes in your car, and you don't use them. Uh, dad, that's a red light coming up. Yeah, I know, son, I know. I don't want to waste the brakes. But, Dad, we're not allowed to go through a red light. Well, what if there's another red light? We don't want to use all the brakes up, okay? And what are people going to think if they see me using the brakes?

Come on. Dad, you want me to read you my will? Yes, please. Um, so get on that horn. Use it and enjoy it. Feel good about it. Ah, oh, ooh, think of it like, almost like an orgasm, right? Some dumbass on their cell phone in front of it, it's just like, oh, oh, that felt good, mm-hmm, oh, have a multiple orgasm.

Just use that horn, man. Stay out of trouble, because it does get crazy here on the Harland Highway. Hi, this is Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway with another friendly tip. Well, the warm weather's here. Summer's just around the corner, and are you stuck driving a car that isn't a convertible? You want a convertible, but you can't afford one. Here's a simple, cost-effective solution. Drop by Home Depot, pick up a fire axe for $1495,

go out into the parking lot, and chop the roof off your existing car. It should take about 20 to 30 minutes to hack through the metal and peel the old roof right off your family vehicle. Just like that, $14.00. and half an hour later, you're driving a shiny new convertible. Yes, just another friendly tip from me to you, Harlan Williams. And I think I'll close the show out today talking about something that can be really irritating. We all do it.

Handwriting. Is your handwriting good, bad, or ugly? Do you even know how to have? handwrite? Do you even know how to do writing, calligraphy, whatever you want to call it? I don't know. Let's talk about it. Let's get into it. How many of you, when you send out an envelope, go right to the computer and print up a label? Because you don't trust your own handwriting. It's so squiggly and wiggly. It looks like the trail of, you know, you ever pee in the snow?

guys and you just kind of leave that squiggly trail all over the place is that how your handwriting looks? You're writing labels, you want to send a package or a letter. Send this to Dan Smith

52 Washington Street, Columbus, Ohio, 97205. Okay, that's how you read it. But the guy at the post office looks at it and it says Dale Semit 43 Folling Smith

Drive Minnesota 5229 1 4 huh I don't know where this is going Yeah you know you got to clean up your writing skills, people.

Take a labeling class at DeVry. Go to night school. Do something, man. Or just pee on your packages. It's the same thing, right? Guys. I wonder what it would be like if we still wrote with, like, feathered pens.

Remember back in Shakespeare's Day? You know, they'd walk up to a chicken, pull a feather out of his ass. Oh, shut up, I'm going to write you a letter. I mean, who is the first guy that came up with that contraption? God, I'd really love to write my sweetheart a letter. But how do I do it? I've got a charred, burnt stump from a tree.

I've got some berries that I picked. I guess I could squish out some letters on some birch bark. Wait a minute, that ostrich has a giant feather sticking out of his ass. Let me... Buhn, b'n... Like, who the hell came up with that, man? A feather of all things. I wonder if they refined it.

Like, at first they were like, hmm, that chicken beak looks pointy. Let me dunk that turkey's face in black ink, and I'll write with the turkey's head. I'll use his beak. Shut up, I'm writing. Dear Isabelle Right?

Like, ah, turkeys do noise out. Maybe a chicken wing. Let me try that. Dear Isabel. No, no, too sloppy. I got ranch sauce everywhere. Blue cheese. I know.

What about a feather? And there you go, man. And look at us now. I wonder if we're losing the ability to write because we're all on computers now, man. I wonder if there's going to be a time like 10, 20, 30 years from now where they do experiments on humans. And they're like,

we are now putting the big pen into the human's hand. And the human doesn't seem to understand that he has to clasp his fingers around the pen. He's looking at the pen like it's some kind of, of moon rock, some type of foreign object, and the pen just rolls right out of his hand. He cannot seem to understand. He has to close his hand around the pen. So we'll tape the pen around his fingers, and he doesn't know what to do. He just doesn't know what to do. He's scraping it along the wall. He's scraping.

He's making some squiggles. He has no concept of a pen. Right? It could get to that, man. You tell me what you think. a letter at harland williams.com then yeah you can email me or use your electric turkey sorry i didn't mean that up yours up yours up yours um and let me know what you think um you know what's going to happen to the art of writing the art of calligraphy is it all going out the window Who knows, man, who knows? Only you know. You the listener. All I know is this, that I have written us right out of time.

We are at the end of today's podcast. So sad. But we did have fun while it lasted, didn't we? So I'm going to leave it there. I'm going to hang my letter on the wall. And I hope I see you next time. I hope you had a great time. I know I had a great time being here. with you and until next time my podcast friends chicken chowmaine baby i mean turkey chowmanan