The Harland Highway - PODCAST 140

Episode Date: July 19, 2010

Street lights, 867 - 5309, must see lists, brains, gas stations. Finely shaved sun block!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

867309-8-6-7-3-0-0-9-8-6-7-3-0-9. Okay, way out of tune, but we will be talking about that song later in the podcast, Jenny, 8-67-309. We will also be talking about more mundane things like streetlights. You know, streetlights, when you're driving. I'm going to be talking about something cool kind of a topic that you might find some interest and we're going to be talking about things you've wanted to see in your lifetime obscure things or major things that were always on your must-see list

but never have quite got to that place or person or thing yet and I just accomplished one of my must-sees quite recently. Very exciting. I'll tell you about it. We're going to be talking about something that most of us have. Maybe not me, but you. We're talking about brains. Okay.

Do you have one? I think so. And we're also going to be talking about gas stations and those annoying little shops with all the junk food in them. that make us feel sick and we go in to fill up our tank. So I'm hoping you'll stick around right here, right now while I fill up your tank with some fresh, juicy podcast.

You're right here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Rankspin, and I'm your friend.

Writing down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. You ever hear those streetlights when you're walking? You get to an intersection, and they got the... You know, to indicate for people it's okay to walk. Yeah, I stood at one of those the other day, man. Just stood there going, Bo-doo-do-bo-do-bo-do-do.

I killed nine blind people. Yeah, I'm a little mischief maker. They couldn't see. They didn't know. Is that wrong? I don't know. Is it wrong for me not to have a little fun in my life? what's worse

me not having fun or blind people getting hit just the way I do things here on the Harland Highway All right So quite the opposite of blind Have you seen all the things you want to see in your life? Um, you know, are there things, not a bucket list, but just things that you've always wanted to see and you wondered if you'd ever see them. You weren't sure if it was ever going to happen, if it was possible, right?

And, you know, it's just like in the back of your head all the time. Well, here's something that happened to me, and I'm happy to say, I checked, uh, a must-see off my checklist just recently. Okay, so let me set this up for you. I'm a bit of a nature guy. I love the outdoors. I love my animals. I love my critters.

I love watching animals in their natural surroundings. Not in a zoo, but out in the wilderness. I always consider it a gift or a privilege when you bump into or connect with an animal or just observe an animal doing what it does. Because that's the way it was intended to be, you know? Watching an animal in a zoo or a safari park that you drive through can be captivating. Animals are beautiful no matter what,

but it takes something off of the reality, the natural organic sense of what that animal is, what that animal does, so on, so on. So, as some of you may or may not know, for years, I worked up in the bush country, in Canada. I was a forest ranger and a tree planter and a canoe guy and all this stuff, fishing wildlife work. And I did that for many, many years. And then I spent a lot of time growing up north. Our parents had a cottage that was quite remote and was in quite a,

you know a forested area with that we were on a lake and you know we had bear and moose and bobcat and all the essentials around um so over my decades of being exposed to nature um i'd always wanted to see a grizzly bear in the wild okay i lived in a region of the world where grizzly bears didn't exist so you know the biggest bear i could hope to see was a black black bear, which are great bears, but grizzlies are even mightier and bigger and more of voracious and, you know, uh, just, did I just say voracious? Uh, ferocious. And maybe I meant to say voracious, but maybe I just blended the two. That's a heck of a voracious bear over there. I don't know. I'm all mixed up because I'm

excited here. Please forgive me, but, um, So I never got to lay eyes on a griz. Let me call him a griz. So here I am recently in Yellowstone National Park, up in Wyoming, USA, a beautiful park. And my whole goal for going into the park, you know, I wanted to see the beauty. And believe me, I've seen enough breathtaking waterfalls and lakes and creeks. and the trees and forests to fill a lifetime. All right, what I hadn't seen is a grizzly bear.

Now, I knew that grizzlies were in the region, that they live within the boundaries of Yellowstone. Now, that being said, it is a wild park. It's 2.2 million acres in size. So I don't know that on any given day, your odds of seeing a live grizzly bear are great. But if you do see one there, that's great. You have a good shot at it.

So here I am. I'm outside the park. I'm staying at like a holiday inn in a little town, like an hour away from the park. And I wake up early in the morning, like 6 o'clock, and I'm like, I'm going to get in there early. I'm going to get into that park. I'm going to beat the crowd. Damn it, I'm going to see me a grizzly. You know, and I've been through British Columbia, I've been through Alberta, I lived in Banff, which is a mountain town nestled in the Rocky Mountains in Canada, and that was Grizzly country.

Never saw a grizzly. I think I might have seen one way, way, way, way off in the distance once. I saw a little speck running across like a glacier up in the Rocky Mountains, and I think it could have been a grizzly, but I can't be. be sure so for that reason i i will not say that i saw grizzly but that being said i got into yellowstone i'm in there early only a few cars around and uh i'm not in there more than maybe half an hour 40 minutes and i come around this bend and there's a great big lake and there's a big sandy shore on the lake and there's stones and there's old driftwood and it's just a wonderful natural setting and as I get closer I look I see this big kind of brown object and I go oh my gosh

that's a bear and then as I got a little closer I was like bingo grizzly grizzly and aisle five people yeah it was a grizzly I could tell right away by its profile they had grizzlies of that unmistakable big hump on their back between their front shoulders, just the way their fur is matted on their hide, their wide head, their massive shoulders, the way they walk, there's so many telltale sides of a grizzly. If you're versed in bears, and you kind of know your bears, so it didn't take me long to determine this was a grizzly. I was able to pull over. and just watch this magnificent predator, this animal rooting around, lifting up rocks with its giant claws of digging underneath wood, digging in the ground,

looking for insect larvae and roots and berries and whatever a grizzly bear eats. And believe me, they eat a lot. They're like a goat. If they can get it in their mouth and it tastes good, they probably are. bound to eat it. So that was exciting, and, you know, I took pictures, and I got a little video, and it just felt really good to, finally, after all those years of being in parts of the world where, for all intensive purpose, I should have seen a grizzly.

I never did. So it took 47 years of my life, but I finally encountered my first grizzly. now if I only can meet Pamela Anderson hello no but actually I have met Pamela Anderson so there and lucky that didn't take 47 years but so let me know if there's anything that you've always wanted to see that you're still waiting for you can write me at harland williams.com and I can read your letter on the podcast here or you can call me at 323215 1486. What is it you've been longing to see all these years, but still haven't had the opportunity. there's something I can hold on to

I know you paint by and light the other deep end up who saw your name and number on the wall Danny I got no number I need to make you mind Yeah, we don't change your number Yeah, we all know that home phone number, don't we? You might not remember your girlfriend's phone number, your parents' phone number, even your own phone number, even your own phone number, I don't know?

the way how everything's just on automatic dial on our cell phones today. You just press a name and dials your friend or your family member. You don't even know their phone number. If you ever lost your cell phone, you wouldn't know how to reach half the people in your life. But there's one number you'll always remember. 8, 6, 7, 5, 3.09. Have you tried dial on that number? Go through all the area codes, you know, and dial.

I got through to a radio station. I got through to air conditioning and plumbing place. I got through to a few answering machines. It's funny, we all know that number, man. Should make that your phone number, huh? Just go cruising through the singles bar, right? Hey, ladies. Call me.

Yeah, my number's 8, 6, 7, 5, 3. oh nine what is it eight six seven five three oh nine you're an ass yeah but you have my phone number it's ingrained in your memory sucker you bastard give it a call see who you get yeah seriously call in your neck of the woods in your hood and uh let me know who you got through to man um send me an email at harlowe williams.com or you can even phone me at three two three two one five one four eight six that really didn't it doesn't work when you do the area code right so i'll do it again i'll give you the area code then i'll sing my phone number okay wow that was lame here we go area code three two three two one

five one four eight six no okay well call in your neighborhood and uh let me know who picked up the phone can we find jenny will we be able to find jenny or will it be another plumbing heating and air conditioning place or maybe jenny works there who knows we'll find out when you find out here on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, so you be the judge. Was this right or was this wrong of me to do this? Okay. But my buddy was over the other day with his kid,

and he's bragging away how smart his kid is. He knows his little kid. He's going, oh, yeah, my kid, his brain's like a sponge. He's just learning and he knows everything. His brain's like a sponge. And then the genius kid knocked over his milk, spilled his milk all over my floor, into the carpet, onto the hardwood.

So what do I do? Naturally, I crack the kid's head open and get his brain and sop up the milk because apparently his brain's like a sponge. And I got to say, it was like it did a nice job. I got up all the milk, but then my buddy's all mad at me. Hey, dude, you just cracked my kid's head open. Yeah, I needed something to sop up the milk, dude. Yeah, but that's my kid's brain.

Well, you said it was like a sponge. Why waste paper towels when I can use the interior of your kid, genius kid's skull? Well, I guess you got a point. Yeah, I do. Oh, is he going to be okay? Yeah, he's going to be fine. I put the brain back in. He might smell like milk a little bit, but that's okay.

Yeah, I guess that's okay. As long as he's still smart, right? Oh, yeah, look at his eyes rolling around in his head. He'll be fine. Okay. Great sponge on that kid. Thanks, man. I don't know about yours, though.

What do you mean? Nothing. Get out of here. Here, take some milk with you. Brain like a sponge. How about I got a middle finger like a flagpole? Hello! And speaking of sponges, people, how many of you sponge up crap at the gas station?

Let me explain. Remember, you know, wasn't that long ago? go, maybe even a decade ago, 10 years, maybe a little longer. When you'd pull up to a gas station and, you know, you'd pull up, you'd get your dirty gas, you'd maybe wash your windshield and you'd get the hell out of there. It was kind of shady and greasy and it smelled like oil, right? Maybe if you needed to go in and buy a spark plug or a belt or something, you could do it. A lot of the gas stations didn't have what they had.

have now which is like junk food cubicles right have you noticed now they not only have gas for your vehicle they've got gas for humans you walk in that little uh that little mini seven 11 style store that they all have now the quick and go and the gas and run and the dine and dash whatever the hell they're called right you go into pay for your gas or will your gas or will your gas is filling up you go huh look at all the bright lights i think i can see some uh refrigerators filled with uh 30 thousand different kinds of pop and juice and uh drinks and chocolate milk and i mean you ever go in one of these places it's just like there's a whole wall of liquids and bottles it's crazy you know then you go in and you look around and it's like gee

what could I get here? Okay, I can get bugles, I can get pringles, I can get really bad chemically injected pre-packaged cinnamon buns and bear claws and ding-dongs and ice cream sandwiches and pumpkin seeds covered with salt. And holy God, nine billion types of chocolate bars and then subspecies of existing chocolate bars. It used to be just Reese's peanut buttercup.

Now it's baby peanut butter cups and mint peanut butter cups and vanilla chocolate white chocolate peanut butter cups and holy God, every single chocolate bar has a spin-off of another kind of chocolate bar and it's just like the chocolate bars are inbreeding. And you got corn chips and cheese puffs and got coke machines and popsicles and, I mean, God forbid you try and find a lettuce in there.

Try and search out an apple or a banana. Excuse me, do you have any apples? Oh, my God, kill him. All I said was apple. Right? Good Lord. And then, you know, we all love that crap. You can't help yourself.

You go in there and you pick up a... cupcake and a ding-dong and a bag of sunflower seeds and you drive about 30 miles down the road and you got a big bottle of AMW cream soda in your cup holder and the only thing really probably healthy at all in there was the bottled water and you went right past that to get to the cherry cola or the red bull right then they get those little power drinks right at the cashier when you go to check out like As if all the sugar you bought isn't going to keep you fired up for the next nine months. They sell little concentrated bottles and pills, like stay awake and energize.

Like, you need that on top of it. It's almost like that old trick where you put a Mentos in a Pepsi bottle or something, and it just you shake it and it blows up. All the foam blows up. That's what's happening to us when we walk into these places, right? so you get all your crap you get into your car and chocolate's melting on your car seed and sunflower seeds are piling up all over your car and they're you're spitting them on the window and the side mirror they're in the floor mat there's chips crunched everywhere and you're eating this crap in about 20 30 minutes after you left the gas station you just feel like crap you're all stomach just like oh what the hell did i eat why do i feel like i just want to check into a motel six and die oh god those little gas station snack shop ingloos tell you what man a nuclear bomb ever goes off

and you're looking for a place to get some uh supplies some sustenance some food that was unaffected by the nuclear blast. Just head to your local Exxon or Shell, BP, mobile. Yeah, just go into the little snack shop. Everything you'll need for the rest of your life is right there. I just read something that's startling, alarming, shocking. But you know what? On the other hand, maybe not.

Apparently, the government for next year is going to need $2.9 trillion to run the country. To run the United States of America cost $2.9 trillion. Is that even a real number? I mean, it almost sounds like Lord of the Rings talk. Yes, floor, doc, I must have three gazillion fliflingglongles to get over to the castle and visit the Kla-Kongi flea-flop-l-l-flin. Huh? Trillion?

I mean, is that even a word anyone should be using? And you know that the country's living off the fat, man. Okay? Like most of us, we live in our little homes or our cars. condos or our farm houses, and we budget, okay? We budget. We pinch our pennies and our dimes. We try to make everything work. We try not to be wasteful or too excessive. Do you think the United States of America is budgeting at all? I'm going to cost $2.9 trillion to run the country. Don't you think the country could trim back on some things? Just little things.

Like, does every government office need bottled water? Do we need all the road signs and the stop signs and the streetlights? Do we need all the roads? Isn't there a bunch of roads? No one even uses anymore? Does anyone drive Route 66 anymore from coast to coast? I mean, there's got to be, it's got to be at least a trillion we could trim off the old budget there, right?

Everybody helped a budget. You always hear these stories as government waste. $5 million to build an airplane that flies upside down and through grocery stores by the military.

Well, do we really need it? $20 million for underprivileged children to get braces and have a pogo stick. Okay, do you think the kids will live without that? $29 million to put cameras to catch people speeding as they go through the intersection and another $28 million to paint the curbs red instead of blue.

I don't know, folks. It's a lot of money, man. You know if some like miserly penny-pinching weasel got into government. They could cut that down to a mere trillion. Let's all work next year to get it down to a trillion. Let's economize. Let's pinch our pennies. And then we'll pinch ourselves after we've done such a good job. Hey, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip here on the Harland Highway. Are you tired of regular television? Do you get bored just so?

sitting there and watching shows unfold before your eyes, well, here's what you can do. The next time your favorite show is on television and you feel you want to be more interactive and get involved with the viewing experience, well, here's what you can do. When your favorite show is playing, jump up out of your chair and run head first, smashing your head right through the TV screen. hopefully your head will be inside the box and for a split second just before the tube burns out you'll see all the funny characters running around in your TV tube

you'll think you're actually in the show with them it won't last long but it will be fun just another friendly tip from me Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway And here's another great quick tip, if you can handle another one, boys and girls. Yours truly, yes me, Harlan Williams, will be appearing live this weekend, okay, July 22nd through the 25th at the Hartford Improv. Okay, that's the Improv Comedy Club in Hartford, Connecticut on the east coast of the other. United States of America, you can go to Harlan Williams.com for all the info, ticket information, phone lines, emails, all that stuff.

Or you can go to improv.com and track me down on their site to get your tickets for my show, July 22nd through July 25th at the Improv in Hartford, Connecticut. It is going to be great. And don't forget, for those of you that live on the West Coast, I will be doing an incredible theater show at the Herbs Theater in San Francisco on September 4th. It's a Saturday night. It's a gorgeous, gorgeous theater right downtown, right beside the old opera house. And you can get tickets by going to cityboxoffice.com, or you can call 419. 35392-4-400-0. That's 415-392-4-0. It's the Herbs Theater, September 4th. It's a Saturday night in San Francisco.

Please come and enjoy the show. Going to be doing stand-up and sketch improv comedy. So it's like a double comedy show. So whether you're on the East Coast or the West Coast, you do have a chance to see me. and I will make you laugh and until then I'm leaving you on your own to make yourselves laugh or you can just check in with our next podcast

and I look forward to having you there was great to have you here today and until next time my fine furry little friends chicken chow main baby