The Harland Highway - PODCAST 141

Episode Date: July 21, 2010

Listeners letters from the Harland Highway mailbag, train accidents, the human body, cops and criminals. Tender sapling tips!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, sugar, banana, dun dun dun, oh, podcast, you are my podcast. Okay, enough. Wow. Not sweet. The singing is not sweet. Here we go. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams, your host, who just happens to have the same name as the... podcast, the Harland Highway. That's why it fits so well because it's the Harland Highway and my name's Harlan and it just all fit together.

Okay, I named it. Anyways, we have a great show for you today. We're going to open the listener mailbag. We're going to be getting to some of your letters that you write to me here at the podcast at Harlan Williams.com. We'll be addressing your concerns, your opinions, your comment, your insults, everything. It doesn't matter me.

You can write what you want. It's not going to kill me. But what is going to kill you is, have you ever been hit by a train? I'm sure some of you have. We're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about the human body and how resilient it is. We're going to be talking about getting pulled over by the cops and criminals. We're going to be discussing the criminal.

element today? Are you a criminal? Possibly, but I'll tell you one thing that's not criminal is coming right here to listen to the Harlan Highway because it's free. It's free. Right now, the Harland Highway. Letters. Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. and pull one out

Those letters I love those letters Let's find out what you've got to say Oh boy Mailman Mail to date Yes yes yes Lots of letters

Lots of letters From all you people listening out there I do appreciate the letters Let's get right to it And answer some of your mail That you write to me at Harland williams.com, go to the website, and if you have a comment, an observation, an insult, a compliment,

whatever you have, I will try to get to it and get it on the podcast here. Let's see who we got here. Let's see here. We have a letter from Janine. It says, so glad I found you. Hey, Harlan, I've been a fan for years. I'm so glad I found your podcast. I'm currently going through a divorce and I don't think I've laughed as much in the last nine months as I have in the last week I've been listening to your podcast. Thanks so much for bringing laughter to my life again.

Chicken chow main, baby. Well, wow. Yeah, divorce is probably one of the cruelest, most hurtful, painful things you can ever been through. Take it from me. I've been through it. All right, it is the worst. It drags on and on,

and because it's a wound from the heart, it just stays with you forever. And I'm glad you're dealing with it. I'm glad I can bring some humor and laughter into your life. That's part of why I do this show to help people get through the tough times, to put a smile on their face. to help them giggle through the day.

And on that note, here's another letter from Jeremy Lanive, and he said, I've enjoyed your comedy for years, and apparently you suffer from funny Tourette syndrome, the same as I. But just writing to tell you, your comedy has brought me through some tough times. My wife suffered a stroke and an aneurysm last year, and she's now disabled. I've had to quit my job to care for her, and my brother seven years my senior died last March

it's kind of sad to hear this stuff but here's what he goes on to say he says I do thank you for the laughs and we'll always remember your so-called levity have a good time and keep them coming Jeremy Lanieve, Hobskinville, Kentucky wow and so I'll say it again hey this is this is what it's all about making people laugh and I'm sorry to hear about your very sad and painful experiences with your loved ones life is tough and hopefully making you laugh

a little makes it not as tough here's hoping everyone is on the way to recovering, and thank you for your letter. That was very nice of you to write. Here's one. And these are a little sad, but, you know, they're an indication, a peek behind the curtain at, you know, what people need in their life. Here's a letter from Dennis Sarzinski.

He goes, Harlan, thanks for the podcast, man. and it's the last thing my wife and I hear before we drift off to Sleepy Land every night. Okay. Glad to know I'd knock you out every night. Don't know if you'll read this and respond, but on a somber note, we had to put our best friend to rest last week. Joey, our adopted Dalmatian. He was my wife's baby. He was my son.

He was so much more than a pet. He went through hell with us over the past 10 years, and at the end of every day, just smiled, licked us, and wanted a hug. Wow. If only, I'm not going to go there. No therapy or medicine like that in the world, man. Don't have much money after the medical bills on me and Joey, but would it be possible to request a small Dalmatian sketch from in the style of your children's books?

Well, you know what? I don't have time to lay down a sketch at the moment with pen and paper, but why don't I do a... sketch, a comedy sketch on a Dalmatian, since that's what I'm doing anyways, I'm made here on the podcast, and you know, why don't I talk about them for a little?

Dalmatians, I've always been very suspicious that they might not be a dog, and I hate to bust your balloon here, Dennis, but it's always been my assertion that Dalmatians are, in fact, albino leopards. or they're the ghosts of leopards and they haven't found their way into the big jungle in the sky yet

but that's just my theory you know they've got the spots they've got the same kind of size but I've always wondered why fire houses have had Dalmatians as pets or as mascots you ever see like a

a little, you know, clay statue of a Dalmatian out front of a firehouse or a Dalmatian riding on the back of a fire truck. I'm just not sure what kind of asset a dog is at a burning inferno. You know, I can just picture Bill the fireman trying to save an old lady up in a 10th story window and Barney the Dalmatian wants to play catch and is like nipping at his ankles. Come on, throw the ball, throw the ball. Yeah, I got an old lady. She's burning in a window.

I don't care. Throw the ball or I'm going to pee on your leg. I don't know. But they are cute. I love Dalmatians. And I don't know. Maybe one day get a Sharpie and connect all those dots and see what's really.

behind the skin of that Dalmatian. I'm sorry you lost your dog. But you know what? Go get a new one. There are millions of strays and millions of dogs that need a loving home. And believe me, you know dogs. They all have their own distinct personality. That's one thing that's great about losing dogs.

And I have lost a dog, too. So you're learning a lot about me today through your mail. You learn that I've been divorced. you've learned that I lost a dog but that being said I went ahead and got a new dog after the divorce a new girl no not a new girl

when I lost my dog I got a new dog and you're like man I can't love any dog as much as the dog I lost wrong I'm telling you what almost any dog will bring you immeasurable joy and happiness and dedication it is great All right, let's see what else we got here.

A lot of good praise coming in. Let's see if we got any negativity here. Let's see. We dip into the mailbag. All right, here we go. Here we go. Bill Lathrop. Bill says you really need someone else in there with you.

I listened to several of your later shows, and it was rather lame. On the other hand, compared to your earlier shows, you've improved dramatically. I've heard you on the Bob and Tom show, and I know you can be really funny when you have other people to bounce ideas off of, but sitting in a room all by yourself really isn't your style.

Wow. Well, you know, I appreciate that observation. I appreciate the comment. Everything goes here at the Harlan Highway. I don't hide the bad, and I don't hide the good. The problem is, just so you know, Bill, Well, I am such a busy guy, okay, and I'm not making this up. I am running all over the country doing stand-up shows and comedy clubs and deeders.

I am currently working on a handful of animated shows where I do the voices. I have been writing on a show called Robot Chicken. I go to meetings I go to shoot pilots I do TV stuff I do movie stuff I do so much stuff I barely have time to do this podcast

and so as much as I would love to have way more guests in here and bounce off of them I just don't have the time so I am working on that I enjoy it I love interviewing people I love bouncing off of people but it's just a matter of time

so I will make a better effort in upcoming shows to have more people but don't forget I am not in here alone okay Harlem Williams is not in here alone if you listen to the show the podcast you'll know that

there are a lot of characters in here with me we've got Dr. Ascot we've got James T. Kirk you've got Senor Fuentes we've got oh my gosh cinnamon boy we've got uh dr debby tanzer we've got so many characters in here so but i get what you're saying i appreciate it and i will work on it let's uh let's get to another letter here all righty what's this steve chorney thank god i found your website since doing so i

I no longer need to take my Paxil. Thank God for that, man. Thank God I've replaced Paxil. A, it's cheaper. I'm free. And Paxil ain't good for you, man. Speaking of drugs, you definitely know you've smoked B.C. Bud when you have caught mouth so bad that you don't realize you've been drooling on yourself for the last hour like I have. Yeah, not a good sign.

Might want to take some Paxil for that. Seriously, though, thanks for making fellow Canucks like myself. proud. Canadians definitely rule Hollywood when it comes to making people laugh. Keep us cracking up. Peace, brother. Steam. Well, Steve Chorney, thank you for that. Yes, as most of you know, I am a Canadian boy, but I'm also an American boy now. I have my American citizenship, but I'm always happy and proud to represent the land of my birth and be affiliated, associated with all the funny people that have come from Canada. And I'm just as proud to be here in the U.S., making people giggle here.

Why don't I just call myself a North American? That way I encompass both of my native lands, and all is harmonious in the universe. All right, let's do one last letter here from you, the listeners here we go this is from turf from Australia

I wanted you to know I still listen to every single podcast I left my elbows off at the mouse traps on the ice cream the screams ah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Senor Fuentes is really fricking funny and he reminds me of what's his name is during an argument not sure what that means but he says I am spreading the word big belly laughs from Australia so isn't that nice gosh touching people all over the world and not like a priest I just mean through the podcast great to hear from you guys like I said you can drop me a letter anything you want

hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. Fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item.

It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specifically. specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. To my website Harlow Williams.com. I do appreciate your feedback, your comments. And for now, that's it. We're going to wrap up the Harland Highway Mailbag. And get back to the regular podcast. Another letter from our listener's day.

Yep, number nine's on time. I better open the shop and sweep off the steps. Yeah, the old train. coming into town and I don't know if you people watch the news you sound like an educated crowd I think you probably do is it just me or if you notice that every year a few dumbasses end up getting hit by trains you know some doorknob falls asleep on the tracks because you know that's a nice quiet place to sleep on top of being very comfortable what's that a downfilled mattress or a steel train race

to sleep on? Oh, I'll take the steel train rail, please. I mean, come on. Or some knob, like, tries to beat the train across, or some idiot drives across and somehow doesn't hear the giant train rumbling and the light and the horn and the choo-choo-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-choo-ch-ch-ch-choo-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-tyou.

You're out of there. I mean, maybe those people, Maybe they deserve to go. You got to figure they're pretty slow. They can't be contributing much to society when they're so thick that they don't know how to move out of the way of a train. Do you get the sense that these are the same people

that if they lived in Hawaii, the lava would get them? Okay? You got a giant chunk of steel with horns and lights barreling down at you. Sounds like thunder. coming over a hill and somehow you don't see it uh what's that that rumbling man i don't know i had nachos for lunch man wow it's really loud oh looks like you got gas too man yeah i got gas too man

no that's a train idiot you can just see these guys in hawaii man hey man what's that uh move that brown blob moving towards us. I don't know, man. That's me the taco. I don't care, man. I want some lunch. That seems to be getting closer. And is it just mere? Is it getting hotter in here?

Hotter and where, man? We're outside. Well, then, is it just mere, we're getting hotter out here? And why is my lawn chair on fire, man? What's this red stuff all around? I don't know, man. Looks like lava. Or maybe it's a lot. It's refried beans.

Let me put some on my taco, man. Ow, that hurts, man. I'm staying up here on my chair. My chair's on fire on the aluminum's melting. Oh, man, I wish a train would come by so we could get out of here. Yeah, that'd be nice. I don't know, man. Some people are just thick.

Go get hit by a train. Go get gobbled up by the lava. Go stand in a field. and let a meteorite hit you? I don't know. It's a funny world. Funny people in it. Just get off the tracks

when you hear the ding, ding, ding. You big ding bat. All aboard! Although I do have to say the human body is fairly resilient. You've all watched America's home

funniest bleeper videos. You've all seen news footage of people getting hit by cars and falling off of horses and, you know, falling off ladders and tripping and rolling down hills and, you know, half the time we laugh at it because it's so extreme, but how often do you see just someone get up and walk away? You know, you'll see some guy on America's funniest videos going down like a railing at a library on a skateboard and his nuts wrap around a fire hydrant, his teeth hit a tree,

and the back of his head, like, bounces off a station wagon. He kind of lays there for a second and then jumps up and gets back on the skateboard and keeps going. You'll see, like, a grandpa on America's funniest videos jumping around on his kid's pogo stick, and he goes over a clip, and lands in a volcano. Volcano spits him out into the air. He hits a helicopter blade, lands back on earth on someone's fence post,

tries himself off and goes and plays bingo. All right, that's a little extreme. But what I'm saying is the human body is fairly flexible and resilient, and miraculously, it survives a lot of a bit. abuse. I mean, look at professional sports players. Look at people that you ever see America's most dangerous car chases. I swear I saw one where a guy was in a Corvette going like 105 through the desert on the way to Vegas, hits the back of an 18-wheeler, cops are in pursuit. Corvette does about 48 flips. Guy flies out of the window, gets up and starts

running through the desert what are we made of so uh as uh as crazy as things get for us uh sometimes we're kind of invincible i don't know if it's adrenaline or it's just sheer luck or we're very rubbery but uh sometimes we survive the most miraculous things kind of the way you're surviving this podcast right now. Good for you. Okay, everybody. Here's something for the, uh, I, uh, I did not know that file. Uh, the I did not know that file.

Did you know that when a cop pulls you over? You are by law allowed to ask to see his identification. I didn't know that. I just thought they had all the power, man. They pull you over. You're at their mercy. They can ask for what they want. They can make you get out and walk around and put your nose on your face

and touch your forehead and do a handstand and walk backwards or citing the Lord's Prayer. It ain't fun, man, and the cops aren't going to like this that I've let the cat out of the bag. But, hey, it's called Evening the Score a little bit. Okay, we're allowed to ask for your ID. So have fun with it, people. I mean, next time you get pulled over,

whoop, whoop, whoop, whip, whoop, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who. Cops strolls up to your car. License and identification, please. Oh, sure, officer. And, well, we're at it. I'd like to see your identification, please. I'm sorry.

So am I. Give me your ID, buddy. Uh, I'm the one asking the questions here, not you. oh yeah well you better show me who you are i'm going to see your ass in court um well i have a blockbuster video card does that count let me see it officer penelowski uh blockbuster video membership number 573 9057 dash one yes that's me sir well why don't you just put your ID back and I'll let you go for this time. Really?

Yeah, I'm going to let you go with a warning. Okay, so you just get back in your car and drive away and I'll pretend this never happened. Thank you, sir. And by the way, don't mention that I've got three DVDs that are overdue. No, you get going. I won't say a word. Thank you, sir. Yeah, turn the tables.

You don't have to be David Copperfield to make a table turn now. Next time you get pulled over. As for the old copper ID. Make them squirm the way they make you squirm. Now you know their names. Now you know where they live. Either go give them a ticket or go egg their house. No, that's not nice, but go make them some eggs.

Make them an omelet. Maybe next time they won't pull you over on the ever-juicy Harlan Highway. Oh, yes, you shut it off. Thank you, officer. You know, you ever watch that show, Cops? And like 80, 90% of the time that they pull over a male suspect or they've apprehended a male suspect, they never have their shirt on, right? It's always guys with no shirts.

And I thought they must be staging that or somebody's telling them to take their shirts off for ratings because they want it to be, you know, more sexual like every other TV show. It's like, hey, dude, we'll throw you 500 bucks if you ripped your shirt off before we cuff you, man. Okay. But what about when I get to jail and I'm half naked? Oh, don't worry.

someone will take care of you what um so i was uh out on a road trip not too long ago and i'm driving through the country like i'm in the middle of like nebraska or something where most of this stuff's filmed i believe and lo and behold uh i come up on some kind of uh police altercation some kind of police stop and i'm driving by and it's kind of a beat-up old house on the side of the street and sure enough there's some teenage white kid they're throwing the cuffs on them no shirt and I'm like wow it's real it's true this stuff really happens I guess it was one of those like myths like the Lochness monster or crop circles I just thought maybe it was all staged but no I guess for

some reason bad people don't wear shirts so there's a a clue. If you're in the neighborhood and there's been a rash of break-ins, be-and-ease and one of the punks in the neighborhood keeps strolling up and down the block

shirtless, he's your guy. It's him, officer, the guy with the nipples. Get them, boys. I guess that's why we don't have a lot of women criminals, right? You notice the ratio, men

compared to women. I guess the reason being is, you know, women are just a little apprehensive about getting topless. Women are a little more conservative and maybe a little more obvious. It's hard to break into a house when there's 12 horny men chasing you down the street. Oh, my God, she's got her hooters out.

Come on, guys. Like 20 guys chasing. and her down the road she's like um do you mind i'm trying to steal um a flat screen TV and a blu-ray can we help you no this is my score can we touch your boobs get out of here here's siren coming let's go um i don't know maybe everyone should just get naked and we'll have a crime spree orgy how's that sound what's going to happen when when criminals start getting pantless. What kind of anarchy will spread

through society at that point? Yeah, we got a bank robber at third and 52. Can you give me a description? She's got a five-inch penis. Oh my God. Put a bulletproof vest on for Christ's sake.

Anyways, I am spiraling, as I often do. But, you know, that's probably why you listen. And speaking of listening, you crazy nuts, if you want to listen to me live, you can come see me this weekend in Hartford, Connecticut,

at the Improv Comedy Club. Go to Improv.com for all the information, or go to Harlandwilliams.com for tickets, prices, showtimes, websites, phone numbers, all that stuff. and if you're feeling alienated on the west coast, don't be because I will be doing a gig in San Francisco on September 4th, Saturday, September 4th at the Erbs Theater downtown San Fram. You can go online to cityboxoffice.com

and get your tickets or you can call 415-392-4-400. It's going to be an incredible show at a beautiful theater, live stand-up, and me with a friend, Brian Pomerow, we are going to be doing some sketch improv comedy, a whole second set to the show. So check it out, September 4th, Saturday, the Erbs Theater, San Francisco, and July 22nd to 25th at the Hartford, Connecticut Improv. on the East Coast.

So there you go. Race to come and see me. Don't get pulled over by the cops. Don't get hit by a train. Because I want to see you there, and we're going to have some laughs. And that's all the laughs we have for today on the show, but we'll be back next time.

And until that time, a large order of Chicken Chow, Maine, baby. 2.91, 26, set. 96.7 liquor show number 21, 23. Thank you.