The Harland Highway - PODCAST 142

Episode Date: July 23, 2010

Old technology, Sea monsters, Mother Mary, Confession, and Dr. Ascot. Trembling termite teeth!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The cat's in the cradle and a silver spoon, little boy blue, and the man in the moon. Ah, when you're coming home, son, I don't know when, but we'll have a podcast then, Dad, you know we'll have a podcast, then, uh, okay, right, like anyone would ever go home if they heard that singing waiting for them. Welcome to the Harland Highway, whether you're a cat, a fiddle, a spoon, or a cow jumping over the moon. You're all welcome here. And what a show we have today. We're going to be talking about a new prehistoric find. They unearthed some kind of new skeletal remain and some kind of giant sea monster. We're going to be talking about that.

We're going to be talking about antiquated text. Stuff that seems really old, but isn't really all that old, but things are moving so fast. Everything gets old really fast now. We're going to be talking about religion, religious figures, religious symbolism, confession, things like that. And I have to confess that, sadly, it's Friday, and I have to do my therapy session with Dr. Scott, my on-air therapist, not thrilled about that. So that's going on today. But outside of that, let me confess that I'm glad you're here to get rid of all your sins right now on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just. Lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan.

I'm Teddy Ropspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Hey there, people. People of planet Earth, you are rolling down the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams. I don't know why I'm so excited right now, but I am.

I got something here with me today. I got to be honest here. I'm mesmerized. I'm brain dead. I don't even know how to do this anymore. Do you people remember cassette tapes? Do you remember that technology? What was it?

Oh, six years ago they still existed, maybe eight? Who can think back that far? Anyways, I certainly can't. have a cassette tape here and hang on there i am going to try and remember how to use it i have no i mean here i'm putting it in the cassette how do i open the cassette deck here we no let's pause fast forward okay there we go open well okay that was easy i guess like anything Anyways, I'm put in the cassette tape, and I've, hold on, I've got it, is it backwards? What the, what the hell is it doing?

It is it, oh, it's upside down. Okay, okay, here we go. I, I close the lid, right? That's how it works. I close the lid and, okay, I hit, reverse. No, no, no, no, that's too. I hit fast forward, I hit, no, wait. eject. Whoa. Whoa.

Ow, popped up and hit me right in the forehead. Let me put it back in here. And I hit play. And there it goes. There's something. And then I hit fast forward. Whoa, what's that? Sounds like the smurfs. Let me hit reverse.

I don't know. The point is, I just, it's nostalgia. Cassette tapes. Where are they now? What are they? How do they work? Nobody knows. nobody cares. We're moving fast, people.

We're moving fast because we're on the Harland Highway. And not only are we on the Harland Highway, it is Friday on the Harland Highway. And sadly, for me, that means I have to do my weekly on-air therapy session with the most annoying shrink in the world. Dr. Ascot. Let's get it over with. Hello, Dr. Ascot.

Hello, Arland. What are we doing today? I can't wait. Well, I'm glad you're excited, Arland. I was being sarcastic. Don't. Ah, what are we doing? Arlund, today we are doing something called aromatherapy. Aromatherapy.

Yes, Arlund, what I do is present you with a bunch of different scents. And you breathe them in, and hopefully they trigger things to help release your emotions. I don't need to be sniffing things to release my emotions. What the... What is this new-aged crap? Arland. Oh! Holland.

Stop saying my name! Holland. Okay, get it. What do you want me to sniff? Arland, I want you to put this blindfold on. I'm not wearing a blindfold. This is going to get really weird. Arland. Ah. Arland, you will wear the blindfold or you will get a pink slip.

All right, give me the blindfold. God, I hate this stuff here. Put it on. There, I... Where are you? I'm over here, Arland. Where? Over here. Okay, let's get this over with.

Holland, I want you to smell this and tell me what it is. All right. I'm holding it under your nose, Alan. All right. Okay, uh, that smells like flowers. Correct, Arlen, what kind of flowers? Uh, those are roses, right? Correct, Arlen, excellent, excellent.

I want you to try this. scent now, Alan. I don't know. That smells like perfume of some kind, some kind of woman's cologne. Yes, Holland, and does it trigger any memories? Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess you know, my mother used to wear, you know, a nice cologne

and okay, maybe you got me on this one. Smelling that, it kind of brings back memories of my mother. Excellent, Holland. and are they good memories? Yeah, I guess they are good memories. And did you have other members of your family, Arland? Well, yeah, I had my father and my sister and we even had a dog. Excellent, Arland.

Let's try and trigger some more of those positive memories, Arland. Okay, what else do you got? I want you to sniff this, Arland, and see if you're not. it reminds you of anything. Okay. Oh. Okay, that's like kind of musty

leather. It's like an old leather feeling. Yeah, that's, that's, that's leather, all right? Yes, Arlen. What does it remind you of? I guess it reminds me of my father's like old. He used to have like a leather jacket

when he'd hug me when I was a little boy. I could, wow, that, yeah, wow, I'm getting a little emotional. Excellent, All. Excellent. And now let's try your sister, Holland. Okay, cool. I want you to smell this. Um, wow. Okay.

What does it smell like, Arland? It smells like, like, I remember she had a little teddy bear, and she held it all the time, and whenever I'd touch it, I can kind of smell my sister's scent. It was really cute and clean, and like a little girl, and it was just, Nice. Correct, Arlen, isn't that wonderful? You know what, Dr. Ascot? I really think maybe this one's working this time.

What else do you got? Well, you mentioned you had a dog, Arland. Oh, yeah, we had this wonderful golden retriever, and we just loved it to death. I'll never forget Sparky. What a wonderful dog. Oh, good old Sparky. Holland, I want you to sniff this and see

if it reminds you of your dog, Holland. Okay, okay, here we go. Um, oh, what was that sound I heard? Nothing, Holland. Um, it sounded like a zipper. Uh, it was nothing, Holland. Keep sniffing. Uh, wow, okay, that, that, uh, God, that smells a little rotten. Yes, Holland.

Does it remind you of anything your dog might have done, Holland? Well, now that you mention it... Does it smell like dog shit, Holland? Excuse me? Does it smell like dog shit? Dr. Ascot, what's going on here? Keep sniffing the dog shit, Holland. What are you dog shit?

I'm taking this blindfold off. What the hell is... Oh my God! What the hell of you got your naked ass right in front of my nose? Keep sniffing. Oh, my God. This is disgusting. Olin, take a good whiff.

Oh, my God. Put your pants on. You just get out of here. Get out of here. You had your ass, your hole right in front of my nose. Allan. Get out. Allan.

Get out of here, you disgust. Sparky wants to play. Harland. Get out! Sparky, throw the stick for Sparky Holland. Get out! Holland! Sparky wants to roll over, Arland.

Sparky wants to roll over, Arland. Out! Good Lord, that guy is annoying. Can you believe he'd be sniffing his... Oh, God! I'm never going back to the Pet Cemetery. I think I'll just strike Sparky from my memory forever. after that treatment.

But speaking of treatment, I don't even think this is a segue. I don't even know why I said that. It doesn't make sense. Speaking of a treatment, and I'm trying to go into the next bit, and it doesn't work. So let me just bypass that horrible segue

and just say, hey, scientists have discovered the fossilized remains of a giant. Giant whale, okay? There, how about we just cut straight to it and minus the smooth segue that I failed with? Yeah, they dug up the remains of some kind of giant whale-like creature that was like 17 meters long.

That's metric, for those of you that don't know how long 17 meters is. let's just say it's big okay and here's how big it was they they think that this whale looked a lot like a giant sperm whale as up to the great big fangs that had teeth more akin to a killer whale or a shark than it did whale teeth and a lot of teeth as you know don't even have a lot of whales don't even have teeth they just have like baleen or they got that filter that they have looks like an air conditioner filter stuck on the front of their face but this whale was so menacing so big so powerful it was a predator and they think that this beast would feed on other whales okay how big of a fatty do you have to be when you're eating whales

okay whales are like the biggest things ever and here comes some fatty eating whales for lunch i'm so hungry i could eat a whale and damn it i will eat a whale i mean are you kidding me where do you go for a snack when you're when your diet consists of whales You know, a big bucket of popcorn at the theater ain't going to cut it. I mean, good Lord, this thing's eating whales like we eat chicken wings, man. That's a fat mammal fish thingy. Right? And they call the thing Leviathan.

Can you think of a better name? I'm sure that the Latin name must be Leviathan, chubby of. fattieth and fattieth and piggyethin or something right um so they think this thing ate dolphins and seals and whales it was like this crazy sea monster um so i don't know how it became extinct i mean when you can eat just about anything in the world and you're swimming around in the ocean it's not like you're going to run out of stuff you can eat anything you're the top of the food chain man you can probably start eating land if you couldn't find anything underwater it's like yeah can't find no whales around here today the hell i'm a big guy that island looks delicious god i got a palm tree stuck in my throat oh not bad i don't know Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So there you go. That's just a little scientific update.

They've uncovered Leviathan. And you know somewhere down the road they'll uncover another fossil that probably ate Leviathan, right? It just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I have a feeling that you ever see that second episode of Star Wars where Luke and the boys land on this weird planet and they put the ship down on the surface of the bumpy planetary surface and they're sitting there having a picnic and all of a sudden there's some rumbling, right? And all of a sudden the ground starts to move and everything shakes. And at first they think it's an earthquake.

And then they realize they're actually sitting on the back of a giant, like, worm or something. Like this thing's so huge, they thought it was a chunk of the earth. What if that's what we're in for, man? Our little planet with the roadways and the cities and the pretty gardens and the golf courses. the botanical gardens, the six flags and the Disneyland's, everything laid out so meticulously, the grid, the streets, the highways. And maybe we're all just sitting on the back of a big giant prehistoric creature. Maybe this isn't a planet.

Maybe it's just like some kind of prehistoric creature all balled up, having to sleep. One day he's going to wake up and we're just going to go, flying all over the place. Maybe we should start eating the planet before it eats us. I guess in a way we're kind of doing that, aren't we? We're just about destroying everything that's here. So maybe we're smart after all and we don't even know it. Cutting down all the trees.

We're dredging the swamps. We're clogging up the oceans. Putting pavement all over everything. Maybe it's just our way of killing the sleeping beast whose back we perch upon. And we inadvertently saved our own species by being who we are, human. What was that? I don't know, man. Oh, my God.

So scared. Someone get me a palm tree. crunch yeah that's the that's the sound you would hear if I found a potato chip that looked like it was the shape of Mother Mary, the Virgin Mary. Now to other people, if they found a potato chip that looked like the Virgin Mary, They'd hold a vigil, and hundreds of people would come from the community and hold candles out in the middle of the night

and stand around a Dorito or a Pringle or a lays. And that doesn't go together. The Virgin Mary and Lays, that just, that's an oxymoron, if you know what I mean. But yeah, you ever see these people They look at something And they see the Virgin Mary Oh my God, look at the spot on that cow, Harold

Yeah Well, it's the shape of the Virgin Mary Looks like a spot to me Go and get some holy milk from that cow, Harold Oh, Christ I don't see him, just Virgin Mary I mean, come on man aren't you really pushing it a little hard oh my god look at that christmas tree what do you mean

it looks like a christmas tree that's because it is a christmas tree dumbass don't you call me names harold i mean have you ever seen it on the news these people they get a piece of ham or a cold cut or a leave falls off the tree and it somehow it's in the shape of the mother mary there's a water stain on the wall there's a weird reflection in the window oh my god look at the window what what

there's a virgin mary on the glass no that's a hummingbird corpse it just flew into it oh well sweet mother of hummingbird uh yeah right I mean it's like

people just want to see what they want to see. Okay, it's a potato chip, crunch. It's a bird. Give it some seeds. It's a stain. Get the pine salt. You don't need to open a church. I mean, anything. Oh my God, look at that. Look at that. It looks just like the Virgin Mother Mary of God. Yeah, that's because we're in a church, and that's a statue of Mother Mary. Oh, my God. It's a miracle. No, it's just a statue of Mother Mary. How dare you, slap? Oh my God, look at the welt on your cheek.

What about it? It's the shape of the Virgin Mother Mary of Jesus. Oh, brother. Go drink a cup of holy water and settle down there, senorita. I'm on my way to church to amend for my sin. here on the Harland Highway. Do people even go for confession anymore? I don't know.

Do you go to confession? I don't know if you do. Please confess to me if you do. I don't think that I've ever traditionally sat in a confession booth and confessed. And you've got to wonder, in today's litigious society, in today's money-hungry society, in a society filled with blackmailers and opportunists and scam artists,

I don't know, man. Do you really want to be telling your sins to some priest somewhere? It's like, bless me, father. Father, for I have sinned. And what is your sin, my child? I stole some money, and I... I committed adultery, and I... I...

I fornicated. My child. Yes, father. Open your wallet, my child. Yes, father. Give me all your money, or I report you to the authority. authorities, sell this audio tape that I just captured on my cell phone, and take snapshots of you leaving the church and sell them to the National Enquirer. But, Father, shut up, bitch, and do it.

Yes, Father. I don't know, man. And do people really, really, really, really tell their sins? You know, do they maybe honeycoat them a bit or take the edge off them? You know, it's like some guy punches the crap out of a guy at a bar, puts him in a, gives him a concussion, puts him in a coma. Does he go and say, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. And what have you done, my child?

Oh, you know, I just kind of bumped into this guy at the pub. Please elaborate, my child. Well, you know, I just kind of bumped him, and he fell down. I guess he bumped his head or something, and I just feel guilty. Are you sure you didn't beat the living shit out of him, my child? What? You know, it's just like,

you got to wonder if people really are even just in there lying to the priest because they're so scared of what they did. Right? They get nervous about their acts, their lies, their deviancy. oh well you can tell me if you want to confess your sins to me i'm all ears you can write me at harlowe williams dot com where you can confess to me by leaving me a message at three two three two one five one four eight six father harland here to listen to your confessions This is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway with another friendly tip.

Are you thinking of cheating on your wife, fooling around on your spouse, having a quick one-nighter at a secret location, behind the back of your significant other? Well, here's what you do. Take a post-it note and write, Don't cheat on my girlfriend, you lousy bastard. stick the post-it note to the inside of your underpants. Then, when you pull down your pants to do something you shouldn't ought to, you'll see in your own handwriting a little friendly reminder telling you to put it back in your pants,

zip up, and be on your merry way. Yes, just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan, Highway. Not responsible for paper cuts. But what I am responsible for is making you laugh. And if you live on the east coast of the United States of America, you can catch me tonight, July 24th or July 25th, tomorrow night, Saturday at the Hartford, Connecticut Improv. I will have two shows tonight, two shows.

Saturday night and I believe even one show Sunday night where you can come and confess your laughter to me, Father Harland. So yeah, go to improv.com or go to Harlandwilliams.com for all the ticket information and showtimes for my fabulous stand-up comedy shows in Hartford, Connecticut at the Improv. And for those of you on the West Coast, Don't forget, on Saturday, September 4th, I will be at the Erbs Theater in San Francisco,

a gorgeous theater doing a stand-up show and a sketch comedy improv show. Two shows and one. For those tickets, you can go to cityboxoffice.com or you can call 415-392-4-400. And I hope I see you there. We are going to have some laughs, and it'll be a good time for all. A great time to confess your laughter to me, Father Harland, here on the Harland Highway.

And I must make a confession right now. Oh, gosh. It's going to be a tough one, but I'm going to do it. Here it comes. We are out of time. That's my confession for today. uh sadly yes podcast is over so all i can ask is that you be good keep on laughing and until next time my brethren chicken chow main baby