The Harland Highway - podcast 143

Episode Date: July 26, 2010

Manatee's, Getting old, Cinnamon boy, Old Faithful and PMS. Clam baked Brisquit!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Carry on my wayward, son. There'll be a podcast when you are done. No, no, no, my wayward son, my wayward listeners. Don't listen to that. The podcast is here right now. You don't have to carry on. It's happening right under your noses. Your big, beautiful, scent-sniffing noses.

What a show we have today. This is interesting. We're going to be talking about the zoo and things you do at the zoo. I had kind of some special treatment at the zoo, and I met a friend at the zoo. And later on in the show, one of the critters from the zoo will be coming on the show. It'll be in studio, and that should be a fun visit. We're going to be talking about getting old. What happens to you and your body and your mind and your teeth when you get old?

Do you just give up or do you try to stay pretty the way I do? We're going to be talking about a famous American landmark, Old Faithful. We're going to be talking about women's PMS, which is kind of the same as Old Faithful. It goes off regularly and Cinnamon Boy is going to be here. Oh, my God. I haven't heard from that guy for a while. but he's going to be here, and so are you right here, on the Harland Highway! You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Ruckspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, everybody, you are rolling on the Harland Highway, and, you know, I'm in the entertainment industry.

I travel around the country and do movies and get to work at comedy clubs and theaters and whatnot. And every now and then, I get a perk. You know, we all get perks somewhere somehow, but I got one. week I was in Cincinnati doing a comedy venue and one of the locals happened to be a kind hearted lady who worked at the local zoo and invited me to go behind the scenes with her and see the inner workings of the zoo and get up close and personal with the animals, mammals, insects, birds, reptiles, etc. And what a treat. man. I actually got to go behind the scenes and hang out with manatees. Okay. Now, I don't know if any of you folks have

ever hung out with a group of manatees. I mean, okay, fair enough. Some of you might be in wait watchers and you've been to a fat camp or something. But I tell you, manatees are the most gentle, loving, graceful little, they're not so little giant characters I've ever met. I went home and threw my Winnie the Pooh doll in the garbage. I'm like, move over, player, manatee and the histle. I mean, these things were like letting me feed them and rolling over on their back in the water and let me petting their bellies and, you know, rubbing their faces and petting them on the head. Unbelievable. That to me is a perk. You know, some people think a perk is getting a free pair of Nike's or some guy to

bar send you a bottle of crystal or the waiter comps your meal sure we've all had that right but when you get to go in and rub on a manatee baby come on that's perk time okay i mean they took me in to see the elephants and the lizards and the bugs and you know the rhinos fun stuff but feeding a manatee cabbage oh god that's like tossing a fat kid into a box of twinkies it's like it's unreal and they got these little sandy mouths these tongues it's like they they grind on your hand as you're feeding them and it feels like they're exfoliating your skin they're actually scraping the dead skin cells off so for those of you that are into face peals or masks or exfoliation buy yourself a manatee man and just cover yourself in salad dressing and let that thing

suck you clean man you'll take years off your life having your own manatee i mean it was a treat it was a treat i love that manatee i mean i'm we're going to dinner tonight i got reservations over at arby's man we're going to shut that place down because that little manatee can eat, baby. Oh, yeah. Look for me at your nearest Arbys. You're driving down the Harland Highway. I'll be the one there with the toothless walrus, the old manatee.

Oh, yeah. And speaking of losing your teeth, does any of you out there, do you worry about that as you get older? I think your whole life you've got to take your teeth for granted, right? They're nestled in there and your jawbone and your skull. They're embedded in your skull. Right? But do you ever think of the day when maybe you get older

and maybe your teeth really aren't your friend anymore? Like maybe, you know, they're rotten or they're just, they don't function right or they just get loose or they come out. You know, you see people as they get older. You know, a lot of them, their teeth just go to hell. I mean, you look at some of those senators when they do the hearings up on Capitol Hill. Some of those senators, it look like they're older than Mount Rushmore, and they're up there like, now, would the gentleman from Tennessee please explain why the finances of his state are in such turmoil?

would you please explain that for us and you look at the guy's mouth and it so it looks like i don't know man it just looks like a rotten like some kind of creature from a david lynch movie or something right like the teeth are kind of crooked and they're black and every now and then you get a glimpse at them and they're kind of like really long like they look longer than what teeth should be like i guess the gums have receded and you know or that Andy Rooney guy on 60 minutes oh my god that guy's teeth it looks like the the mummy from Egypt sleeps in his mouth you know and you probably get to thinking when you see these old guys are like in their head they're probably like well you know what I'm only I'm already 87 so I've probably at the most of the

have like three, four, maybe ten years left, so I'll be damned if I'm going to put my bumpy old ass in the dentist chair and get needles and drills and hell. I can't take my teeth with me, so screw it, man. I'm just going to let them suckers go. Right? Because when you get old, when you get to a certain point, do you care anymore? It's not like when you're, in your 30s or your 40s and you know you've still got some years ahead of you and you're like oh I'm looking a little heavy or my skin

could use a little help or my teeth you know maybe I could get them straightened you know I'm still got 20 30 years here right but maybe once you get over a certain hump but did you just stop caring about it

like give me some sugar and I'm going to I got a salt lick out in the backyard, and, uh, you know, when I'm sitting here watching TV, I like to chew on a lead pipe. I just like to, I like to feel a lead in my teeth, and sometimes when I'm driving, I like to peel batteries open with my teeth and just suck on the battery. Yeah, I'm not that worried about my teeth no more. wow yeah and sometimes uh you know people just get them yanked some people have their teeth just pulled

out so it's all gums and uh some people get that thing where uh have you seen that procedure where they they pull your teeth out and then they put like like uh screw holes up in the bones of where your teeth were all right they put them in your jaw your lower jaw bone and up in the roof of your skull where your teeth were and they put little holes and then they screw the new teeth in like a light bulb one by one oh that feels good somebody got a cob of corn I can chew on or maybe a two by four can you imagine having bolts put up into your skull and then teeth screwed in wow I'd probably get other stuff screwed in like a Swiss army knife right I'd have like a little pair of scissors screwed in and a can opener and a nail file and a toothpick and a nail clipper just have a full utility mouth excuse me where I trim my nails I see you having trouble

with that can of beans over there. Here, hand me that. Let me just get that in my mouth here. There you go. Enjoy your beans, boy. Yeah, what point do you just give up? What point do you just stop worrying about being fat? Have you thought about that when you get old?

I've thought about maybe when I get really old. I'll finally try all the hallucinogenics that I was too scared to do as a kid you know maybe i'll finally get pumped up on ecstasy and acid and coke it's like i ain't got nothing to lose now i mean my life's pretty crappy i kind of wobble around and my bones ache and my joints hurt and my mind's getting kind of forgetful and yeah hi let's party man who cares if I wake up from this party right just food for thought

so there you go take a bite out of that swish it around in your mouth and see how you feel call me in the morning well leave it up to modern science to create a pill

that completely puts an end to a woman having her period. Yes, I know. It's a graphic topic of discussion, but it's part of life. It's part of the human biology people. Women have periods once a month. But apparently this new pill would eliminate that. Is this a good idea or a bad idea?

I mean, it's kind of, of like building a dam across a river you know you can hold the water back for so long but one day that dam's going to blow and no offense ladies but once a month with the PMS you know it can be rough on us dudes okay it can be hard to handle the mood swings and the uh flashes and the cravings and the psychotic behavior and the axe murdering and the chainsaws and the landmines. You know, you know this typical fare.

So my concern about a pill that puts the kibosh on the monthly period is, where does the period go? Okay, is it hiding behind the couch? Is it there in the forest? Is it up in the clouds? No, it's still inside you. ladies building up waiting like a storm front like the perfect storm i don't know if us men

want to be there when it all comes out at once all that energy all those mood swings all that pent up whatever it is you go through would be like a super pms we like uh pms katrina Weiping out the levees. Tearing the boyfriend apart. Dismembering the husband. Destroying any man in its path. I don't know, man. Or maybe it's a good thing.

Maybe it's gone forever. The PMS gone extinct like the passenger pigeon and the turquoise rhino and the spotted dred. Tasmanian fur seal, the period now on the extinct list. Hooray! I won't count my blessings. I'll wait and see on this one, people.

Okay. Let's see what happens. What's next? They invent a pill that makes men not horny? I doubt it. You know, and something made me think of this. you know, doing that piece is I was recently at Old Faithful. Anybody ever been to Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park?

I mean, I think millions of people go there every year. And in a way, a girl's period is like Old Faithful, right? Like, they always come along once a month, guaranteed. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. There's a lot of stuff building up and then right. Except with Old Faithful when it's done

you go in the gift shop and you get yourself some gum or a bag of chips. After the period, yet, it's like, oh, what the hell just happened? What was she talking about? But Old Faithful, kind of a cool phenomena in nature. And this is what happened. It's kind of like the focal point of Yellowstone Park.

And what happens is, I guess, on a regular basis, and maybe that's why they call it Old Faithful, Approximately every hour and a half to every hour, 35, 40 minutes, this geyser erupts from the earth's crust. And Old Faith will spews a giant jet of water up into the air. It lasts for about, I don't know, maybe a minute, minute and a half. And it looks like a whale shooting water out of its blowhole. And it's a pretty steady stream.

and it starts, you're kind of sitting there with hundreds of people, maybe thousands of people gathered around this hole in the ground. They've got benches set up and they've got viewing areas and it just goes all the way around it. They make a pretty wide circle around it. Everybody's probably about, I don't know, 100 feet back, maybe 80 feet back. And all these people, Chinese, white, black, Asian, Portuguese, everything, everybody's there.

And everyone's got their camera and everyone's just kind of sitting there and there's people that get there early so they're right up front and they sit there for an hour and a half. I'm going to see it first. I'm going to see it first. I'm going to be right up front. It's going to be like being at a haul and oats concert. It'll be right up front.

And then all of a sudden, sure enough, right on Q's. the ground starts percolating. It looks like a coffee pot making some coffee and it's like and it just kind of spurts up a little and everyone in the crowd goes, ooh. You know like when you're in a big building or something and the power goes out? And suddenly everyone turns into a caveman or a cave person

like they've never seen darkness. It's like the lights go out and everyone's like, oh funny light go away and then when the lights come back on everyone's like oh hey and everyone claps for the lights coming on what's sort of like it's kind of like it old faithful people are like ooh so a little little spurt comes out a little teaser and then that kind of goes away for like a minute and people are like oh my god did you see that little spurt it's coming the big one's coming it's almost like watch it. I hate to say it. It's always like watching planet Earth have a big orgasm. And everyone's there with it just standing around.

Like a bunch of fluffers. Fluffers with cameras and shirts that say, I love Yellowstone. So the ground starts spurting a little. And then all of a sudden it's like this big buildup. And then just like, uh, uh, uh, and it's spurting up in the air and there's spray going everywhere and I mean, that sucker probably shoots about 100 feet in the air, man. And everyone's just standing around. Ooh, water!

And then it goes away, and everyone just kind of silently looks around like, um uh uh okay um what do we do we do we do we saw water spurting um okay um right it's just kind of that that weird moment like when a movie ends and you're sitting in the theater and you're kind of in your seat and you're like uh um do i wait for the credits or do i maybe there's a blooper reel or um should i get up The people beside me aren't getting up, so I'll kind of half get up and then sit back down and, yeah, I guess I'll go. That's what it's like after Old Faithful. But it would be funny if the Earth, the planet Earth, Mother Earth, with all her wondrous ways, just somehow managed to through some pores or some holes in the ground with all the air rushing under there and the gases and everything else that causes the eruption. It would just be so fun if somehow planet Earth manufactured a, you know, orgasmic groan after the fact. You know, old faithful goes off and then somehow this noise comes up and you just hear Earth going, oh, oh, oh, God.

right i don't know is that too sexual would would they shut the place down would old faithful be too dirty it's just water folks oh god way to way to way to wreck a national monument williams way to uh way to way to we to we to gungy up mother nature at her purest at her finest well why you got to go there dude i don't know man i was just like looking for something funny to say yeah well sometimes you know getting a little blue little dirty isn't funny okay okay man i'll watch that in the future yeah well too late you ruined a national monument sort of whatever it is you don't even know what it is ass oh brother come here let me i'm gonna let me take you outside i got to talk to you um i'm like you dude

dude okay well let's go step in the bathroom i want to talk to you in the mirror whatever all right i got to go talk to myself try and clean it up here and we'll be right back here on the harland highway mom i've got to ask you something real personal do you douche i sure do but only with massingville vinegar and water why massville vinegar and water that's what my doctor recommends for a naturally feeling only massingill has two vinegar and water duches pure extra mild and extra cleansing when you need it you'll see how clean and fresh massingale makes you feel massingale trusted by more women than any other brand welcome back to the harland highway everybody hang on there's the door come on in hi i'm cinnamon boy oh brother what are you doing here i'm cinnamon boy i'm cinnamon boy and i'm cinnamon boy and i'm

love cinnamon. Yeah, I know you love cinnamon. Who gives a flying? Well, I do. Mm-hmm. Sure do. Uh-huh. That's why they call me Cinnamon Boy, because I love cinnamon. Okay, take it easy, kid. I can't take it easy when the smell of cinnamon's in the air. What do you want here? I came to tell everyone about my barbecue. Wait a minute, you're having a barbecue? Yep, sure am. It's going to be delish. What are you going to barbecue? Cinnamon! Oh, come on, you can't barbecue cinnamon, idiot. Oh, yeah?

You want to see? Come to my house for the cinnamon barbecue, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here, idiot. Barbecuing cinnamon. What kind of dumbass are you? I'm a cinnamon dumbass, and I love dumbass cinnamon. Out!

What a freak. I would never go to a barbecue or a function of any kind or a dinner or a lunch or a brunch with that idiot. Why not? They serve cinnamon at brunch over at Denny's. Get out of here. You stink. Like cinnamon?

Yeah, like cinnamon. Get out of here. I'm sorry you have to hear that idiot. people what a have your own barbecue with cinnamon with get out with your own meats and fun things and oh what a dork cinnamon dork get out harland williams here on the harland highway don't let that idiot back in here god oh what a pain in the ass that kid is Jerk. Kid loves cinnamon.

Cinnamon boy. What a dill weed. In the show earlier, I was talking about going to the zoo and hanging out with the manatees. I got to go behind the scenes at the zoo in Cincinnati. And I thought, heck, man, why not just bring the manatee in? And, you know, have a talk with them here and let people learn about manatees. uh from the source so uh here he is uh hey what's up manatee hello um so that was fun when i went to the zoo and i got to you know feed you yes that was delicious um what was it i was feeding you was

it was sweet potato oh sweet potato and you eat like lettuce right yes romaine lettuce it's delicious um so what were you thinking when i walked up on the tank and i started feeding you and i thought who is this freak why are you laughing well you made a joke not really you're a freak okay now um i noticed you let me rub your belly you rolled over in the water and let me rub your belly I was just rolling over. I didn't want you to rub my belly. What are you talking about? Well, you clearly, you fondled me.

I didn't fondle you. You rolled over and exposed your underside. An invitation for me to, you know, stroke your stomach. I clearly did not ask you to touch my stomach. You, you pervert. Wait a minute. You touched me inappropriately. No idea.

I was rubbing your stomach. Yes, well, nobody rubs my stomach, and I invite them to. Oh, come on, manatee. Unbelievable. Now, what are manatees? What do you think we are? Well, I got to say, you look like, you know, you look like a walrus that kind of had your teeth pulled out or something. How dare you, sir?

Well, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to describe to people what you look like. We are sea cows, and we swim around in the swamp land. in Florida you're a sea cow yes what do you mean what where's the cow thing come in well look at me man I'm not a raccoon I'm a fat pig okay well you are rather large I'm a fat pig I'm a cow well can you moo what do you mean well you said you're a sea cow well no I'm not gonna moo. Well, why not? You're a sea cow. You want to try? Really? Come on, moo. Well, okay. Mew. Now, you can do better than that. Gutterall, do it from your belly. Nice. Oh, that felt good. Very good. That was really cool.

I did it again. Hey, how about we see if I can create some milk? What are you talking about? Well, you said I'm a decal. If I can move, I can probably make some milk. Okay, time to go. Wait, wait a minute. How about a nice, cold glass of seacal milk?

You're out of here. Wait, well, how about some milk and some sweet potato? Out of here. This interview's over. Enjoy the music here on the Harland Highway. Come on, rub my belly again. Let's make some milk. Out of here!

Oh, yes. We are out of here. Boy, just in time, too. Do you not want to see Seekow milk squirting all over my studio here at the Harland Highway. Good time to close up shop. I hope you had a great time here today. Sorry about cinnamon boy. Oh, someone assassinate that freak.

Quick little announcement here. I will be doing stand-up comedy live in San Francisco Saturday, September 4th at the Erbs Theater. Please get your tickets ahead of time as they are moving fast. You can go to cityboxoffice.com or you can call 415-392-4-400. Great Saturday night out. Be like over an hour and a half of stand-up comedy. and intermission, and then another hour of sketch and improv comedy. It's going to be a riot.

It's rare that the two disciplines in comedy meet, stand-up and improv. But I'm bringing them both to you, people, and in a gorgeous theater setting. This theater is unbelievable. It looks like the theater that Lincoln was assassinated in. Yeah, great selling point, Harlan, but you're going to love it. So city box office.com, the Herbs Theater, San Francisco, September 4th. It's a Saturday night.

Hope to see you there, man. And if you can't make it, tell your friends on the West Coast. And until next time, watch out for sea cows. And chicken chow main, baby. Come on, how about some milk, huh? My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, boys to the yard, boys to the yard. My milkshake brings all the boys. Thank you.