The Harland Highway - PODCAST 144

Episode Date: July 28, 2010

50/50, sleepwalking, ass pepper, nitrus gas, and when people change. Son of a sandpiper!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and I have to hold your podcast and cry. Okay, not really appropriate. It makes no sense. But what does make sense is you're here on the Harland Highway, and we have a fun-filled show for you today. We're going to be talking about the 50-50 phenomenon. And I'm not going to give it away, but it's something you're probably all used to seeing during the summer. The 50-50 phenomenon.

We're going to be talking about sleepwalking and some guy that molested a child and blamed it on sleepwalking. Way to you hear that. We're going to be talking about a spice for your food called ass pepper. Yeah. And then nitrous gas. We're going to be talking about visits to the dentist. and we're going to be talking about people in your life and how they change, how life can change abruptly and how it affects you and people around you.

And I also thought it was time. It's summertime to bring out a theme song here that was done by one of my listeners, Al Feldman, who did this great theme song for the Harland Highway, and I thought we'd bring it back for a couple more shows and let you hear it. So put your earmuffs on. Here we go. It's the Harland Highway First he's a crow

Then he's Magoo There's 20,000 beings in this single dude He entertains Right from his brains From his mind to yours It's like a bullet train Fighters' random thoughts On the top of his head

He's as surprised As you are hearing what he said So let's all enjoy He's got a lot to say Open your mind, it's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hello, this is yours truly Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I'm a robot.

God, it's summertime. The weather is warm, and have you seen this phenomenon? Okay, this always cracks me up, where you get a 50-50? You know what I mean? A 50-50-er? A fitty-fitty? Here's what I'm talking about. I'm walking around in the streets the other day, you know, and I look across the road,

and there's this kid. It looks like a surfer dude, man. He's got, like, the blonde hair and the blue eyes. and he's got like the muscle shirt on and he's like a skinny kid maybe i don't know 20 years old 19 good looking kid he's hanging with a bunch of his buds you know on the street corner and uh the guy's like a bronze god okay his arms are like the perfect shade of tanned brown and his face is brown and his arms and his ribs and his hands i mean the guy just looked great he looked great he like a total surfer stud dude right and then i kind of paned down and he was wearing like the shorts

and then i got to his legs and his legs looked like maybe the lower part of him had been killed and he was a ghost all right looked like half of him was dead like maybe he was the lower part of him was a zombie or he was Casper or something but I just started howling man it looked so bloody ridiculous it just it's like something didn't match it was almost like seeing like a like a mix of races it's almost seemed like a black guy and a white guy in one body it's like the top half of the guy was like a brother right and the lower half of the guy was like a brother right and the lower half of the guy he was like a nerd from MIT uh imagine that that's quite a combo you got the top half right top half you're a brother and you got like the rhythm you bowl with the

rhythm because you're a black man so you got the rhythm that just come natural and then imagine the lower part of you is a white guy and you don't necessarily have the rhythm and can you imagine that black dude at a club he's got full pants on and uh you know no one in the club is aware that uh the lower half of them is a white dude right and he gets out on the dance floor and everyone's like what's up what's up blood damn boy wait where'd you learn to dance man why you dancing like a white boy gee what's up player why you dance like Richie Cunningham

Yeah, that would be fun But anyways Nonetheless, back to my story Just guys and girls Just a summer etiquette note Do not tan half your body Okay And if you do then cover up the untanned half

Make sure you do the full bake the full body, the legs, and the upper torso. Because when you leave the lower extremities, pasty white, you really do look like some kind of freak. So don't forget the 50-50 rule. Be smart and bake your entire body. Yo, yo, yo, people. Harlan Williams here.

Let's file this one under the I've heard it all now department, okay? Some grease ball, somewhere on our fabulous country, some grease ball molested somebody, some kid, and tried to blame it on sleepwalking. Okay? I mean, come on, man. You're already a low life. You just went a notch below low life by trying to pull that one over on us.

I mean, you could use that for anything, man. That that excuse could be for anything. You know, O.J. could have pulled that one. Yeah, I murdered my wife and her best friend. Really? What? No way. I thought I dreamt that because, you know, I was asleep when that all went down.

yeah man I don't what I was counting sheep and then I was counting stab wounds and then I was what I did what yeah nice try OJ I mean come on man you know the authorities should you know hang this guy or kill him by firing squad I'd like to see him out there what are you do it, man. This is America. You can't, you can't execute me by firing squad. Then someone tiptoes over, hey man, hey, stop screaming. Why, they're about to shoot me. Yeah, that's why you got to keep it down. You see, they're all asleep. They're not awake. I mean, somehow they're all miraculously lined up in unison with rifles pointing at you as you stand against this brick wall with a blindfold on.

So keep it down, man. They're sleepwalking. Oh, my God! Yeah. See you later, pervert. And then the beautiful sound of guns firing and one more con artist scumbag is wiped off the face of the earth, right?

Do I sound a little edgy? Well, I am, man. I just... Oh, the idea of someone, first of all, molesting a kid. And then on top of that, having the Cajonies to use that as an excuse. Dude, look up. Because you see what that is right over your head? That's a snake belly slithering along the ground.

That's how low you are. Yeah. So stay awake, people. Watch out for creeps. call the firing squad on them if you have to here on the Harland Highway Speaking of creepy How about this? You ever been out to dinner

And you get some ass pepper on your food And you're like, wait a minute What did he just say? I said ass pepper Wait, what did he just say? I said ass pepper And you're like, what the hell is he talking about? what is ass pepper well here's what it is let's say you go to a fine restaurant for a steak or something

right and you order like a salad and some soup and a nice steak you know and then the waiters come wandering up to you with their little uh their little aprons on and they're like would you like some ground pepper with your with your salad would you like some ground pepper on your soup how about some ground pepper on that steak and you're like uh there's a pepper shaker right here on the table i mean this is ground pepper too right it's like all ground up yeah but i'll i'll grind it up even nicer how about some ground pepper you're like okay i guess fancy it up give me some of the ground pepper and you're under where the hell are they going to get ground pepper and then all of a sudden they reach behind and they pull out like this giant pepper grinder and you're like wait where

the hell did that come from right it wasn't in their hand but they i guess i guess what they do is they stick it in the back of their their apron underneath the uh waistband or they shove it in their back pocket or something these waiters have this surprise giant like three foot pepper grinder you're like where the hell were you keeping that what what's that your What's with the ass pepper, man? Where was that back there? Never mind. No, where the hell?

How do you keep no hands? You have a giant pepper grinder behind your back. Doesn't matter. No, I want to know. Well, do you really want it? No, maybe I don't want to know. That's why we call it ass pepper. What?

Nothing. Let me grind. Right? and then they grind out the pepper and it's nowhere near as fine as the pepper and the pepper shaker on your table. The ass pepper is like giant chunks of like meteorite or something. It looks like pop rocks all over your food.

You're like, okay, I thought you said this was ground pepper. Oh, it's ground, all right. It was much bigger before I turned it and twisted it. You're like, all right, whatever, they're ass pepper. And then you start eating your food and you get these giant chunks of pepper. That it's either too much in a bite or they're too big and they wedge between your teeth or they go up in your gums and cut you. You're like, man, what's with the ass pepper?

It's delicious. Just eat it. eat the ass pepper eat the ass pepper eat the ass pepper eat the ass pepper okay get out of here would you like some more ass pepper before i go no i don't want ass pepper how about some ball sack salt get out of here oh god so i don't know what the whole deal is with the whole pepper grinder thing look i'm happy with the salt on my table in the little shaker I'm happy with the salt shaker the only salt and pepper I'm really not happy with is the stuff you get

when you go on an airplane and they give you your little meal and then they give you that little tiny packet of salt and pepper it's in like a little tiny it looks like a bump of cocaine or something and I don't know if it's the altitude or how they store this stuff

but it's always damp and you rip the little envelope open and the stuff never comes out. It like coagulates together if that's even possible or it crystallizes together and you go to give it a little tap and nothing comes out

so you rip it bigger and then you shake it harder and then just a giant salt block comes out all over your food. Great. Would you like some ass pepper to cover up that salt block? Get out of here.

It's delicious ass pepper. So there you go. Watch your meals. And just use the pepper on the table. No, use the ass pepper. Hello, my name is Harland Williams. And I am an addict. There, I said it.

I got it out. Yes, it's true, people. I am an addict. I am a drug addict And let me tell you the drug I'm addicted to My dentist Okay, I'm addicted to dentist Let me explain

Okay Nitrous gas Okay Yeah, you ever go into the dentist And you got to get a cleaning You got to get a cavity filled Or you got to get your jaw pulled out I don't know.

And you ask for the old nitrous gas, the laughing gas. I don't know about you, man, but that stuff sends me off to another dimension. I'm not kidding. One time, the dentist was sticking needles into my jaw, into my gums, into my, I don't know what, long giant dentist needles full of stuff. And I'm not kidding.

I was on the nitrous, and she stopped with the needles, and she said, Harland, you're going to have to stop laughing, or I can't finish the needles. How sweet is that? I was laughing during the needles. I'm addicted. I go in every day. Hi, I'm here for, I think I got a cavity. Harlan, you've been in here every day for the last four months.

We've taken care of every single speck on your teeth You don't have a cavity Yeah but I think I got a new one I had a can of Coke yesterday I better get the nitrous gas You guys better check it out Harlan go home You better give me the nitrous gas

I'm going to bite this doorknob And chip my teeth And then you'll have to give me nitrous Harland Go home I don't know man It's what a trip It's like a free trip.

The nitrous, you put it on. You know, they go to work on your mouth. You'll laugh your butt off, and then they turn it off. And within about 20 seconds, it's like nothing ever happened. No hangover. No lingering effects. You can get in your car and drive. And meanwhile, you're high as a kite while they're fixing your teeth.

Forget about going to the dentist every day. I'm going to quit this radio show. I'm going to become a dentist. So I have 24-hour access to nitrous. And I'll be addicted to myself. That just sounded wrong right there, but... All right, I'm not suggesting you go get addicted to nitrous. I don't even know if you can, but...

If you're going to the dentist, ask for the nitrous, man. Take a little trip to old Wisdom Tooth land. Or here. on the Harland Highway. So I go in to see my dentist the other day, and I walk in, and I've been going to the same dentist for, I don't know, 15 years, I'd say. Maybe a little longer even. Hey, everybody.

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and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I walk in and it's the same dentist, same waiting room, same girls behind the counter. Hi, Harland. Hi, how you doing? And I go in and traditionally I go in, I get a cleaning and then I get the x-rays and then the dentist comes and kind of goes through everything, Let's me know if everything's okay or if I need work done.

So I go in, I settle down, and the girls behind the counter hand me this letter. They go, oh, we don't know if you've seen this letter or not. And I go, oh, what the heck you handed me a letter for? So I get this one-page little printout. And it said, dear wonderful clients, dear wonderful patience, I have met the love of my life, and I have sold my practice, and I am moving away and thank you for all the years of being together.

You were part of my soul and part of my destiny or something like that, right? And I'm like, wait, what the hell is this? And they're like, yeah, she's gone. Your dentist, she came in on a Monday, told us she was reconnecting with the love of her life from high school and on Thursday she was gone. She'd sold the practice and say hello to your new dentist, Dr. So-and-So.

And I'm like, wait a minute. Suddenly this is just my new dentist. I don't know them. I don't. I wait. I'm all confused. I'm, it was weird. It was weird because as much as you hate to admit it,

there are certain things in your life that are kind of represent a little bit of stability. They represent kind of the old go-to, you know, almost like a comfort food, even though it's a dentist or a doctor. You become kind of intimate, you become personal with your dentist and your doctor because they're probing in your mouth and they're probing your body and you kind of put a certain amount of trust in this person and you've learned to, like, relax and be vulnerable and let them do the work they do.

And obviously you're still with them. so you're kind of happy with their work. It's nerve-wracking just meeting a doctor or a dentist and going in for the first time and exposing yourself, your body, your emotions, your everything, your pocketbook. And it was weird. It was just like all of a sudden this person

who was a part of my life, not on a social level, but on a professional level, it was just like, boom, gone. And it wasn't like she softly retired and went away. It was kind of like, boom, she met a dude. She'd been with them earlier in her life. She was in love. She just dropped her whole business, her whole practice, and Vamoosed.

Like, it happened in a matter of days. Just bang. So I had all these mixed emotions. I was like, oh, wait a minute, that's my dad. I was like Homer Simpson. Oh, that's my dentist. No stupid teenage romance. So I was kind of like emotionally like a little bit like taken aback because she was gone.

But then I was also like a little bit happy for her because she found the love of her life. But then I was almost a little bit jealous because she was one of these people that, you know, how often in life do people just drop everything and follow their heart and do what they want? And so part of me was like, wow, good first. her and part of me was like oh i wish i could do that but then i realized wait a minute i'm doing what i want life so but it it was just like such so many weird things hit me and it's not like again i was emotionally close to this person but it was just bizarre and it made me think about you know it was almost like a death like she was there and then just boom the announcement here's a piece

of paper she's gone and i know i'll probably never see her or talk to or lay eyes on her again in my life. And yet I carry around in my mouth the things that she did. I carry around her fillings. I have a cap on one of my teeth. You know? And that person's just gone.

And it made me kind of realize that that's what life's like, you know? People in your life can just be there one day and gone the next. And even though it was my, dentist, it resonated with me, and it made me appreciate the time you do have with the people you care about, the people that you're close to. And it's kind of scary that any human being has the free will to just zap themselves

to another reality whenever they want. And maybe that's a reminder of a good thing. You know, maybe if you're at a place in your life where you're maybe putting in time, or you're going through the motions, or there's a girl or a guy that you've always wanted to kind of solidify the deal, but you've been humming and hawn or you've been hedging. You know, here's a lady that just boom, did it, and she dropped a very successful practice.

Now, to put it in perspective, I think she was in her late 60s. You know, she'd had a nice long life, probably a nice, healthy, bountiful career. But maybe that's yet another reminder that it's never too late. It's never too late to just drop it and follow your heart and go for the one you always loved or do what you've always wanted to do. So it was kind of a bittersweet moment for me. It was like this person was completely AWOL,

but yet it was good to know that they moved on to something that they really wanted, something that made them happy. But then I was stuck there with this new dentist. And now instead of an older woman who had kind of a soft, playful voice, I was with this new guy who was kind of more of a slick, young, like Hollywood-type guy, really nice guy. But I could tell he had like the gelled hair, and he was probably, you know, in his late 20s or early 30s.

And he was just getting gone, and he was a little bit more rock and roll. And, you know, first thing he asked me, he's like, Hey, man, do you want to hear some music? And I'm like, I guess. And what do you want to hear? And I didn't want him to put on something I hated, like Creed or 9-inch nails or something because he's trying to be cool. So I just went for an old staple.

I said, do you have any Sinatra? He's like, oh, yeah. And all of a sudden he cranked Sinatra. And he was, like, blaring it through the whole dentist office. And I was like, this is really weird. It's kind of cool, but is this kind of the environment? I want to be kind of having this kind of kegger mentality gone. Do I really want my dentist who's going to be in my mouth with needles and scalples and pliers?

Do I really want a guy that's got kind of a fraternity mentality? It's kind of rocking out to the tunes and, hey, man, well. Welcome to my practice. Hey, let's open her up. Let's see what you got in there, man. So then I became a little bit uncomfortable. And then, you know, the guy sat me down after I'd had my cleaning. And it wasn't really like a, hey, so I know you heard about so-and-so.

And, you know, here's me. And, you know, I don't know if you want me or you want to give me a try or, you know, but I'd love to be your new dentist I'd love to be given the chance I'm really good and blah blah blah and he didn't list his credentials which were solid but at the same time he never really

asked me if I wanted to be a patient it was just kind of assumed that I was going to roll in to his be a client of his because she was gone and that's kind of to me let's say you were going out with a girl and she dumped you

and her girlfriend walked over and said, okay, so Betty's gone, but I'm going to be sleeping with you now and we're going to be doing everything you guys did. So get ready. And you're like, but I don't really know you. That's okay. That's all right. We're going to

get intimate. We're going to I'll be sleeping with you starting tonight and I want you to hold my hand right now and just so you get familiar with it, grab one of my breasts immediately. Honk! So it was just kind of that thing. So now I'm like in dental purgatory.

I'm kind of like, I don't want to be forced into or assumed I'm in with a new dentist. So I'm going to start screening dentists. I'm going to start looking around for a new dentist around town and see if I can find something that I feel comfortable with. How about you? You're listening out there. You want to come pull my teeth? Come on. Give me some of that nitrous gas

and I'll do anything you want. Hello. Hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams from the Harland Highway with another helpful tip. You know, ink cartridges for your printer are rather expensive. So to help you save money,

instead of sending print, from now on every time on your computer screen you see something you need a duplicate of grab a pen and a blank piece of paper and carefully write it out word for word line for line you'll save tons of dollars by the end of the year when you realize you haven't used up your expensive laser jet ink cartridge yes just copy by hand another helpful tip from me harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. And here is another helpful

tip. Oh, my gosh. If you want to see me do some stand-up comedy live, I am going to be this weekend in Orlando, Florida at the opening of the new Orlando Improv. I will be there on

Thursday, July 29th, right through till Sunday, August the 1st. You go to improv.com, or you can go to harlandwilliams.com, click on my comedy schedule and get all the information, the phone numbers, the ticket information. Orlando is a great comedy city, and I can't wait to get there and bust a move at the Orlando Improv. It'll be all this weekend, Thursday, July 9th to August the 1st. And then for those of you on the eusts,

east coast who are jones and for the kid uh me your comedy friend will be at the ice house in uh pasadena california august six and seventh two shows each night august six and seventh at the ice house in pasadena another probably one of the best comedy clubs in the country right there um and then let's not forget about my big uh theater show uh in sales Francisco on September the 4th. That's a Saturday at the Erbs Theater in San Francisco, California. Beautiful theater going to be a stand-up show and an improv comedy show, two and one. And again, go to Harland Williams.com for information on all these stand-up gigs.

They're going to be great. Get your tickets well you can. And I look forward to doing a meet and greet with you after the show. Shake your hand. Say hello. it's going to be a good old time and check it out so there you go

that's all I got for you today and until next time my friends as always chicken chow main baby can I get some nitrous over here please yeah thanks no the whole can