The Harland Highway - PODCAST 145

Episode Date: July 30, 2010

Donuts, truckers, gummy sidewalks, students and stickers, and Dr. Ascot. Twirly twinkly twiddleflies!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Roller coaster, say what? Uh-huh, ha, podcast, say what? No, no, no, no, no. Being on a podcast is nowhere near like being on a roller coaster, although this podcast may make you feel sick. That's the only similarity. But hopefully you don't throw up all over the place. Because what a show we have today?

we're talking about donuts. We're talking about, yeah, everyone loves donuts, right? So that's going to be good. We're talking about guys and girls who, have you ever been a weekend trucker? You ever been out in your pickup truck or your minivan and suddenly you think you're a trucker? We're going to be talking about sidewalks.

There's something on the sidewalk that I got a beef with and you might have been responsible for it. So we're going to get into that. We're going to be talking about students and bumper stickers. The correlation, you might figure it out, but we are going to be discussing that. And of course, your friend, not my friend, Dr. Ascot, my online therapist, my in-studio therapist will be here. I'd rather jump off the edge of a building, but nonetheless, I got to do it, or I might get the pink slip. But you haven't got the pink slip

We're clear to go right here on the Harlan Highway First he's a crow Then he's Magoo There's 20,000 beings in this single dude He entertains Right from his brains

From his mind to yours It's like a bullet drain By his random thoughts At the top of his head He's as surprised As you are hearing what he said So let's all enjoy He's got a lot to say

Open your mind It's the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Okay Can I tell you about something really creepy All right I'm in this town And they've got this chain of donut stores

That I love, right? I'm up in Toronto. I'm doing a big comedy festival. I don't know why I'm talking like this, but I am. I'm like Krusty the Clown from the Simpsons. And I'm doing the comedy festival, and right down the street from my hotel, there's this donut shop. It's a Canadian institution. It's called Tim Horton Donuts.

And yes, Tim Horton was a hockey player for the Toronto Maple Leaf. So when people say Canadians love their donuts and their hockey, well, Tim Horton's kind of encapsulates the whole experience. It merges the two together. It splices them together. And I'm surprised you just don't see people going into Tim Hortons to copulate. It's like, oh, my God, hockey and donuts. Take your clothes off, Marge.

Oh, yeah. Lay me down on a honeycrawler and let's get it up. So anyways, they're all over the city, and right by my hotel, kitty corner to my hotel is a major hospital, okay? And as you're walking down the street, like less than a block away from the hotel, there it is, a Tim Horton Donuts. You can see the sign from the street. You can see the donuts staring at you through the window. They're like big giant owl eyes. You know, remember the eyes in Shrek

When Puss and Boots would make those big kitty eyes Right, those pleading little black velvet kitty eyes That's what the donuts are doing They're sitting in the window like almost seducing you to come in and eat them They look like big eyes So you're walking by and they're like, wow, I got up, this is, I'm Canadian, I'm here This is what it's all about I'm going in for a donut.

So I start, like, walking down the sidewalk, and there's no door. There's no apparent entrance to this donut shop. And I'm like, wait, what is this? A donut museum? Is this a donut Christmas window? What the hell is going on here? Why can't I get to these donuts? But then I see people going in, but they're going in from inside the building.

And I'm like, oh, there must be a mall or something here. So I start walking up, and it's like, welcome to St. Mary's Hospital or something. And I'm like, wait a minute. minute. Am I going into a hospital? So sure enough, the donut shop, which I find creepy, is in the lower level, the ground floor of a hospital. And I'm thinking, wait, isn't this donut shop half the reason this hospital is full? I mean, isn't this why the heart ward is like doing surgeries right now to remove donut gunk from people's arteries? so that creeped me out but then as I'm walking in there's big signs on the on the window of the hospital it says danger you are entering a hazardous area if you have a cough or a fever or a cold please blah blah blah blah blah blah I'm like damn man I just want like a chocolate glazed donut I don't want like H2N1 or whatever it is R2D2 or VH1 R2D2 or VH1 R2D

D-tube contra virus or what? I don't know what the names of these things are. And I'm like, God, this is a little morbid, but I want my donut. So I keep going, and I actually enter in to the lobby of the hospital. So there's like the registration desk, and all of a sudden that wave of hospital stink hits me in the face. You know, it's a mixture of like blood and intercepting. and needles and old people's skin. It just all hits you in the face with a trace of like leukemia

and a trace of stroke. It's all in the air there. You know that hospital smell. The minute you smell it, you're like, okay, my life's just about done. This is not good, right? So I walk in the lobby and there's like a guy in a cane hunched over. He looks like the grin. that stole Christmas there's there's old people there's someone going across the hallway

in a walker there's people in wheelchairs there's a you know guy who looks like Stephen Hawkins lover I mean good Lord man it's just depressing but I keep going and I turn the corner and I go in the donut shop and I'm like okay sanctuary right I order my donut my donuts my hot chocolate even though it's summer, you've got to have the Canadian hot chocolate. It's literally 103 degree heat wave, but here's me ordering hot chocolate because that's, you know, we're just programmed. We're like Pavlov's dog. So I'm ordering my donuts, and I look to the left of me, and sure enough, there's a guy in scrubs,

like a surgeon or some young doctor guy, the full, like, green scrubs. I'm like, great. This guy's, you know, going to have, like, a, maple donut and then go cut someone's belly open and take their spleen out. So I'm getting a little turned off my donuts and then we're really turned. I pan down and the guy's got the scrubs and he's got the stethoscope hanging around his neck. And then I look down and the guy's got Birkenstocks on. You know the sandals that the Swedish guys wear when they go hiking?

Yeah, the Birkenstocks, yeah. So I looked down, he's got the Birkenstocks on. stock's no socks and his giant like really he had those elongated toes like a sloth like at night i i figure he doesn't have an apartment he just like climbs up a tree backwards and makes a nest out of leaves and old donut bags and stuff he's up there cuddling his a stethoscope i'm just like this is this is the weirdest donut experience i've ever had man so i get my donuts and my hot chocolate and i walk out back into the lobby of the hospital and the old guy that was propped up against the wall is now like hunched over he's almost impaled

himself on his own cane he's like knotted off and he's like kind of falling over on himself almost looks like he's trying to lick his own you know what i know morbid but that's how hunched over he was and then I just get out of there and I get out and I get out on the street and I run home to my hotel and I eat my donuts but the whole time I'm eating them I'm feeling two things this donut's going to put me in the hospital or all I can think about was sick people with each bite I took so anyway some of the weirder donuts I've ever had I don't know why I'm telling you this just saying you know try and get your donuts at a truck stop or at a 7-Eleven or a legitimate donut shop, you should never in

your life have to enter a hospital and go for donuts. I mean, can you just imagine you're in there and it's like, Dr. Smith, Dr. Smith to donuts, Dr. Smith to donuts. Your hot chocolate is ready. Dr. Smith from heart surgery, your maple donuts and your Hawaiian sprinkles on the third floor, Dr. Smith, Dr. Smith, to donuts. Do you imagine Canadians love their donuts so much? They would. They'd just run out of surgery. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

I got to go, ladies. Where are you going, doctor? My donuts are ready. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. So there you go. There's my weird donut story. Let's move on. I got to clear my head.

Ugh. breaker one nine this here's a rubber duck you've got a copy on me big fan come on i'm a dinnies truck driving type of guy yeah you do that guy's right you get out on the weekend you go up to the farm or you go out to visit a buddy somewhere down the highway or you're going to the cottage or you're going out to drive your dirt bike you got the cut-off shirt sleeves and the baseball hat the dirty oily one You got your pickup truck, and you know, during the week you work at, you know, Hewlett Packard or Merrill Lynch, or you work at school or a law firm. But every now and then, you get to put on the old jeans and the dirty boots.

You get in that truck and you motor out to your friend's place, and you just feel like a truck driver. Right? Isn't that nice? just kind of stuck to feel like a redneck Pull into Denny's The hostess is at the door Table for one, sir No, I'm a truck driver

I'm going to go right up to the counter And sit right at that counter And I'm going to drink apple juice And have a full moon over my hammy I'm going to balance it on my forehead Flip my head back And grab it right out of the air like a seal. Wow, you really are a truck driver. That's right, baby. Give me a banana split for the road.

I'm going to eat it while I'm standing in my sunroof and steering with my feet. Oh my God, you're a professional truck driver. You got that ride. Yeah, that's a good feeling, man. Feels good just to feel like a big old rumbly, tumbling, gruffy old truck driver man you even walk a little different don't you guys kind of strut on in there armpit hair flapping in the breeze got a little stubble going on

maybe a few flies around you for effect and they're actually cool it's like yeah I just came in off the dusty road these flies are with me give me that full mood over my hammie yes sir mr truck driver or is this just my fantasy people i don't know i'm a weekend denny's truck driving kind of guy man maybe i shouldn't put it on you dudes out there or even if there's some of you ladies that like to do it good for you i'll see you denny's skip the table

sit at the counter with the rest of us weekend truck drivers rolling down to Harlan Highway. Where's my full moon over Miami? Coming right up, truck driver. It's Harlan Williams. And sticking with the theme of transportation, our most primitive form of transportation is probably walking, right? So here's something that has... recently started to annoy me, but you ever walk down a city sidewalk

or just about anywhere, any public walking area, but primarily a sidewalk in a city, and you look down, and it looks like the sidewalk has melanoma. Right? There's just these big black blobs, big black, like they look like giant moles,

like the ones from John Boy Walton's, face stuck to the you know the lightly colored cement of the sidewalk and no it's not melanoma the sidewalks don't have cancer but what they do have is juicy fruit and double mint and double bubble and trident and fabriz or if that's even a gum what i'm getting at is there is more gum sidewalks it's almost like son of flubber out there like if you're a woman and you drop your baby have no fear there's so much gum on the sidewalk your baby will bounce right back up into your hands oh that's a good baby yeah i mean what the hell i didn't realize how much gum we chew just next time you're outwalk and really take a look it looks like you're you're walking on a

Dalmatian skin carpet. Okay, looks like someone peeled 101 Dalmatians and laid their hides down on the sidewalk. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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and I didn't also realize that people are so careless with disposing of their gum. Clearly, they just, like, horking onto the side. Done with that one. All the flavor's gone, man. I mean, I could see people walking on the sidewalk and they spit it on the side of the road

or out into the street. But apparently people are just dropping it or spitting it right all over the sidewalk. They're just getting grinded in. Big blotches. It's like walking across Pippi Longstocking's face if you were a flea, right? Just freckles, big black freckles all over the sidewalk. It is bizarre. And I don't think there's anything that eats gum except for humans.

You know, I don't think there's like a parasite in nature that, bio degrades gum or eats it. You know, it's not like cockroaches even, the lowest, like, life form on the planet that we know and hate. You know, they'll run around our kitchen and eat a crumb or a piece of celery or even a piece of garbage, but, yeah, we're not eating no gum, man. You can't swallow that stuff. No, no gum for us.

Like, nothing gets rid of the gum. So it just sits there on the sidewalk and speckles everything. Every now and then at night, late at night, you'll see like a street washer, right? One of those guys with the high-pressure hose. Looks like he's standing at the foot of Niagara Falls, all the steam and the spray going up. What the hell are you doing, buddy? Just getting the gum. Oh, do you work for the city?

No, I love gum. Cost too much. I'm going to scrape it all up and eat it. so i don't know man is it time to be a little more cautious with your gum and you can't swallow it right because there's that old myth that it lives in your stomach for seven years like what the hell is that theory i've never checked it out on on uh google or anything but i'm willing to bet that's a crock it's like you know people accidentally swallow coins they swallow sunflower seeds they swallow anything you swallow pretty much passes through

why is gum the exception it's not like gum is buoyant and it floats above all the other waste in your bile it's not like gums alive like it's a little critter like you know as everything starts to move into your your intestine the gum's like i'm flexible i will form some arms and I will press my arms against the walls of your stomach and I will I will stay back from all this other crap goodbye corn nibblets goodbye eggs goodbye chicken pot pie look at me pressing against the walls hanging on waiting for the next batch of food to come down I will sit here for seven years I will live out my entire lifespan I will stay here until I die of old age, and then I will pass at seven years.

Like, what the hell, man? Some guy, like, tag a wad of gum. You know, some guy's putting some juicy fruit in his mouth, and some guy ran up with a harpoon. Ah! Put, like, a radio collar in the back of the gum. Some guy swallowed it, and they're tracking them down the street with headphones and an antenna.

Beep-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-pip-pip-pip-pip. What's the same? status, Jim. Looks like the gum's still in his stomach. Good Lord, it's been six and a half years. Yeah, well, at seven, he'll probably come out. Let's keep going. Bip, beep, beep, beep, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit. Pretty bizarre theory, man. Oh, well, hey, maybe, uh, you know, one of you is go buy a scuba suit, right? Go jump down your friend's throat and see what happens. Down there in the seven-year itch. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here with you on the Harland Highway.

And tell me if this was wrong. Give me your opinion. I have a friend who has one of these parents who won't stop bragging about their kid, being the smartest kid at the school and being on the honor roll and being a real bright bulb on the tree and genius and nobody's smarter than my kid, blah, blah, blah. So here's what I did. I couldn't take it anymore, man. I bought one of those big bumper stickers, okay, that says my kid is an honor student at Glendale High School. Okay, I got one of those bumper stickers, and I slapped it on its face, right over its eyes.

And I kind of pushed them towards a helicopter that was coming in for a landing. I said, you're so smart. So you walk into that helicopter, genius. Well, guess what? No more kid. You know, it wasn't that smart. I think with all those brains, you think a kid with his eyes covered,

wandering onto a helipad, could maneuver around the rotating blades of a chopper. Gets you weren't so, smart there genius oh well maybe uh maybe my friend will have another kid and they'll be geniuses and keep their mouse shut about them payback education man i'm just learning how to shut them up yeah i don't really get how people want you to react when when you're driving behind them and they've got a sticker that says my kid is an a student or my kid is a student or my kid on the honor roll I mean are we supposed to like pull up beside you and honk the horn and be like

yeah right your kid got a good report card hey okay you know I don't know what what do you want from us you want us to come over and give you a prize give your kid a scholarship pull over pull over what what I want to give your kid $700,000 and pay for his college I can't believe his achievements. I don't know. There's some weird bumper stickers out there. You've seen the ones with the family, right? You get these bumper stickers where it's like the father and the mother and the kid and the brother and the sister and the dog.

But they're all like stick figures. Right? They've got the squiggly. They've got three strands of hair and their body. They look like hangman figures. I'm always afraid I'm going to, like, pull up behind one of these people at the mall and the parking lot and the minivan door opens and these people get out and they actually are stick figures. They look exactly like the sticker on the figures on the bumper sticker.

They're like, damn, man, you guys better get to the drive-thru. Put some meat on those bones, Holmes? Oh, that's okay. We're just going to home to do. right little breeze comes along blows them all away they got to wear lead uh lead anklets lead shoes so they don't blow away because they're like stick figures all right what the hell am i talking about sounds like i got a stick up my you know what it's ridiculous um but do you do you put bumper stickers on your vehicle do they devalue

your vehicle? Do they take away from the coolness of your vehicle? I love people that have the bumper stickers that are really opinionated. You know, it's like you know where they stand politically, right? They've got the hate stickers, like they've still got the old George Bush was a dumbass or whatever, you know? Or Barack Obama, he's the savior of Christ. You know, there's people really make it blatantly obvious that they're either Democrat or Republican. And is that a good thing to do in today's society where people will kind of shoot people for the silliest of reasons?

Right? I mean, I'd hate to think somebody gets a drive-by on their ass because they have an Obama sticker or a George Bush sticker, a Mitt Romney sticker, a Sarah Palin sticker. Oh, I just love Sarah Palin. Yeah, well, I don't. Oh, my God. I just love Barack Obama. Not me. You imagine like a $1.45 bumper sticker cost you your life?

But right, it's a dilemma because it's like we live in America, so you want to be free to express yourself. It's like, hey, man, I love Obama. I love Palin. But on the other side, man, there's people that will kill you for less in this country. It always reminds me of, you ever watch a sporting event, like a baseball game or a hockey game? And it's like the final game for the Stanley Cop or the pennant or it's the NBA final. And it's at the home arena.

Like everyone's rooting for the Chicago Bulls or everyone's rooting for the, you know, the Los Angeles Kings. everyone's wearing the jersey for the home team and then there's like two morons with their faces half-painted and they're wearing the full-blown jersey of the opposing team from the other city. They flew all the way from Ohio to come to the final game of the playoffs in Miami and they stick out like a sore thumb

and when their team wins are the only ones in a stadium of 50,000 people that stand up and cheer And I'm like, wow, man, you might as well, you might as well just put yourself on a hit list, man. You might as well, you might as well just hired your own assassin. Because you can just see the bullets going through the people in the stands, right out of their eyes, man. They're just looking at these people like, you know, I'm going to, where do we get in a parking lot? You know, put that fix you with that red Montreal Canadian sweater, you son of them. right? I honestly don't know if I'd have the guts to do it.

I kind of admire these Nimrods that show up and sit in the middle of all the opposing fans. They just blatantly flaunted. It's almost like waving a red flag in front of an enraged bull in an arena. The only difference being you don't have the skills to step around the bull when he decides to charge. So if these people turn on you in the arena, you're done, man. They know where the enemy is. It's like, gang, you're wearing the wrong color player. Lean back player, you're wearing the wrong color, man.

This is Miami Heat Country, not Colorado Avalanche player. I know it's two different sports, but what the hell? So anyways, it's just good to know. we're all on the same team right here on the Harland Highway, right? Except for this next guy, because it's Friday. I've got to do my therapy session. I don't know what team Dr. Ascott plays on, but here we go. Dr. Ascott, how are you?

Hello, Arland. What are we doing today? Allent, today we are doing raspberry therapy. What? Raspberry Therapy. Yes, Arland. Oh, boy. How the hell does this work? Arland, what I want you to do is tell a story from your childhood.

Oh, not this again. Arland, I want you to think of a story with some negative connotations. And why? Because I want you to learn to be more positive about yourself, Arland. And how is this going to work, Dr. Ascot? When you tell your story, every time you say something negative, I will give you a raspberry. A raspberry? Yes, Arland.

You're going to give me a raspberry? Oh, God. Can we just get on with this? Start telling the story, Arland. Okay, when I was 14, I was... I was at a dance, I was at a dance, and it was my first high school dance, and I was really nervous. What the hell was that? It was a raspberry, Arland. Why did you give me a raspberry?

Because you said you were nervous, Holland, and that's negative. Can I finish my story? Proceed, Arland. I was at the dance, and I was nervous to ask. this girl to dance and I was feeling self-conscious about how I looked would you stop you sprayed it in my face

stop doing that all and it's a raspberry you were talking about how you were self-conscious and that's negative continue well stop spinning on me all and it's a raspberry so I was feeling

self-conscious and I went up and asked her to dance and in the middle of asking her to dance, I hesitated. Stop it! Holland, it's a raspberry. I don't care what. Can you just say something? You're spraying your spit all in my eyes.

Holland, you must learn to be positive. How can I be positive when your saliva's all over my face? Holland continue. So I was worried about my hair, and I thought, great, My hair's all messy. It's not washed. Here I am at this dance. She's not going to want to dance with me.

Hey! Stop it. Bob it! Holland. What are you? Are you insane? Look at my shirt. It's soaking wet, you idiot.

Holland, that was negative calling me an idiot. Yeah, and what are you going to do about it? Stop it. Holland be positive I will give you a big bushel of raspberries You know what? Get out of here! Take your raspberries

Go sell them at a fruit stand Why would I get out of here Arland? Because I don't like you Stop it! That was very negative, Arlen Stop giving me raspberries Would you like a blueberry

Yeah, why don't you give me a blueberry? Why don't you say something negative? Holland. Okay, you're a moron. Oh my God, did you just hawk a loogie in my face? That was a blueberry, Holland. Get out! Out! Get out! Out is negative.

Oh, then come in. What the hell was that for? I just felt like an allan. Get out! Good Lord. What a moron. Get out! Thank God the show's over.

Stop it! I'm going to try and be positive for the rest of this show, because if I don't, that idiot. Stop it! So, it was a wonderful show today, a wonderful podcast, and for more wonderful things, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, Oh, please don't forget this weekend, the 30th of July, tonight and tomorrow and Sunday, I will be at the Orlando Improv in Orlando, Florida.

I am here. It is a brand new club, unbelievable. Go to Harlem Williams.com or Improv.com. Look for the Orlando Club at Improv.com. You can get your tickets and your showtimes and all that stuff. And then for those of you on the East, on the West Coast, look, I'm all discombobulated. That's not a negative word. Oh, Lund.

Get out! God! Your breath smells. Oh, then. Stop it! For those of you on the West Coast, I will be at the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena, August 6th, and 7th. going to be a great show. And then for those of you who are going into September, September 4th,

yours truly will be at the Erbs Theater in San Francisco, California. Go to cityboxoffice.com or Harlanwilliams.com for the information on that theater show where I'll be doing stand-up and sketch comedy. It's going to be awesome. Special guests, get your tickets now while they're still available. It's going to be great. That's it for today. I'm going to go dry off, get the hairdryer going,

and get the saliva off me before I get H121 or whatever it is. God, you smell. God, stop it. Why do I put up with this? Until next time, everybody, is Harlem Williams. Hope you had a great time. Until next time. Chicken chow.

Oh, mean, baby.