The Harland Highway - PODCAST 147

Episode Date: August 4, 2010

Baseball, falling asleep at work, phone numbers, outer space stuff. Houston we have a garlic bud!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Drive a seat, yeah, driver's seat. Yes, I am in the driver's seat here on the Harland Highway. I'm your host, Harland Williams, and what a show we have for you today. We're going to be talking about baseball, good old American baseball. We're going to be talking about sleeping. You ever get tired and want to fall asleep at work? We're going to be talking about phone numbers. a proper way to give a phone number.

And we're going to be talking about the space program is the president and the government giving up on our space program. I'm not. I'm certainly not giving up on this podcast, the Harlan Highway. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D because you're the only girl that I want to see. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-A. Williams Williams

I want to go Out with you to the movie show Went to the horseshoe tavern You'll love it, I know I want to be The H-A-R-L-A-N-G I've got the sideburns I've got the chin

Come on baby Pretty baby let me in Oh thank you I've got the side of But I've got the chin Come on break me Pretty baby Hey and D-R-L-A-N-D

Don't you just need it when you're going And I'll hot dog flies You're in a M-T-R-L-E-R-L-E Because I want to be May J-R-L-A-N-D Welcome to the Harland Highway Yes, you are here with me on the highway. Welcome each and every one of you.

I mean you, you, you, and you sitting in the corner with the drool running down your chin and the empty bag of pretzels on your head. You're included in this. everyone's welcome here on the Harland Highway. And I want to start today by saying, I think we've lost something here in America. And let me elaborate, or elaborate, as you might say it. I was watching for a little while the other day on TV

a vintage World Series game. It was the Red Sox versus the Mets. It was in like 86 or something like this. It was on ESPN Sports Classic. And I don't know why I watched it, but something about it caught my attention. And you know what it turned out to be? It turned out to be the crowd. It wasn't so much the game, which was interesting, you know.

I mean, a lot of baseball games just kind of look and feel the same. But, you know, being a guy who likes to observe things, I just kind of started watching. the crowd and I think it was the energy of the crowd that kept me captivated because it seemed like the crowds were different than they are today today when you watch a baseball game and you look at the crowd in the background very often they're quite subdued nowadays there isn't the furor and the excitement and the passion that you used to just you know a decade ago um what you get in today's sports crowds are you get less of a communal feel in the crowd than you used to when you when you watch these old baseball games you just get

the sense that everyone's together everyone's partying everyone's on the exact same wavelength everybody's rooting for the team everybody's up on their feet there's a general excitement in the air that's shared by everyone but nowadays if you next time you go to a sporting event look around look across the stadium look across the ice and just take note of the people and and take note that many of the people are more self-absorbed than they used to be many people are are sitting there looking at their cell phones they're texting or they're talking on the phone or they're just kind of sitting there watching everything they're kind of eating their food and not making as much commotion as there seemed to be in days gone past people seem a little more uh like they keep to

themselves and i think this must be a product of a as i mentioned the uh the cell phone society we live in you know because even when people are alone they don't want to accept the camaraderie or the energy of the people around them, they'd rather kind of get sucked into their cell phone world because their cell phone represents their group of friends, their family, their internet, the people they communicate and associate with. So rather than let their energy and their vibes spill out into the stadium and be absorbed by the people around them, they internalize.

And in essence, their cell phone becomes their immediate, You see what I'm saying? And then also we live in a world where everything is so politically correct. Everyone's so worried about lawsuits. Everyone is so on edge because of, you know, the way this country has changed, been transformed because the slightest little thing can be conceived as a terrorist threat. or some kind of violent terrorist action. And let me draw some comparisons here, okay?

In this old footage I was watching, which wasn't that old, it was like 86, as I said. This crowd was just going wild, and they were up and they were jumping and they're looking at each other and they're grabbing each other. And even the baseball players down in the dugout, you know, one of the one of the one baseball player had his arm around. the other baseball player. And by today's standard, it looked like they were like lovers. But back then, there was an innocence to it. And, you know, they were just excited and they're down to the last three pitches.

And they were embracing each other, waiting for that final strike so they could claim the World Series title. But here's what else was going on. You know, the crowd was throwing rolls of toilet paper from up in the bleachers. There was toilet paper bouncing on the field and streams of toilet paper

And then at one point someone threw a smoke bomb out into the field Like a big red smoke bomb Like a, you know, a guy in a helicopter accident would ignite If he had gone down in the wilderness And this giant stream and plume of thick red smoke Was was billowing up into the sky And the crowd was cheering and, you know, the guys who tend to the field came running out in their little jackets,

and I think they just scoop the thing up and put it in a pail. And, you know, the players didn't even leave the field. They were just standing there. And then they cleaned it up in like three minutes and they resumed the game. Okay, so here's what would happen today. If you threw a roll of toilet paper, you would have about eight security guards on you and you would be whisked out of the stadium, okay? So there goes that fun.

And then, God forbid, if someone threw a smoke bomb onto the field, oh, my God, they would clear the stadium. They would call a level orange security terrorist alert. The players would be whisked down into the dugout, into the clubhouse. security would surround the smoke bomb with hazmat vehicles. They'd send in one of those bomb robots. The stadium would be emptied. You know, the CIA would be called.

I mean, you just know it would just be a fiasco. And what made me sad is that it made me realize that America has lost. lost a lot. America has given up a lot of its innocence, its playfulness, it's, it's impromptu-ness, if that's even a word, I think you know what I'm saying, its ability to just have fun and have kind of innocent, carefree fun, and maybe it's a little risque, maybe it's a little college boy prankish, but people got it, you know, the days of, beautiful women stripping naked and running out into the baseball field or college kids running out into the baseball field with their shirts off or gone.

I mean, a kid did it last season and got tasered. In fact, it was this season. He ran out and was like, hey, look at me. And instead of tackling the guy, they tasered him. And, you know, he probably went to jail. And he's suddenly he's a violent offender and he's trespassing. and he's, you know, how many lawsuits came at this kid. And you know what?

I think it's sad because I actually enjoy that stuff. I think it gave the game color. It gave it flavor. It gave it an edge. It gave the fan something to root for. There was that air of the unexpected, that feeling of anything could happen. And now you just feel like,

go to the stadium and you get you see the corporate logos and you get fed the corporate songs out of the sound system the Ozzy Osborne blizzard of Oz and the welcome to the jungle and we are the champions and then the pixel boards uh you know show you uh commercials for uh you know refrigerators and we have the staples and the minute made half-time stretch and everything is so choreographed

and regimented and corporate and you know it's just lost it's lost its flavor man and so when I saw this old game that's what kept me watching it man

I could feel the energy of the people emanating from the TV you could feel the sense of fun and there's a little sense of mischief and there's a little sense of rowdiness. But, you know, you've got to give Americans more credit than what the authorities and what the system gives us now, you know?

Americans can have a little fun and be a little boisterous and keep it contained. And even when they can't keep it contained, you know, is that such a bad thing if nobody dies? I don't know. it almost makes you not want to go to sporting events as much as you used to because it's just you almost feel like a trained animal give your ticket walk through the gate sit down in your seat

don't communicate or look too much at the other patrons here's this here's that get your popcorn here's your program walking an orderly line get in the parking lot and go home I don't know so there you go That's my little opening statement here. Not to bum you out, but I don't know. Let's try and get that sense of fun back, shall we? And maybe that's why you're here on the Harland Highway

because that's what I'm all about. The fun, baby. The fun, even. What? We're on the air? Oh, sorry, man. I fell asleep. My head's leaning on the microphone here.

Oh, God. Oh. Yeah, that's right. How many of you have trouble staying awake at work, right? Stayed up too late to watch Letterman and then Conan and then Carson Daly. Before you know it, it's three in the morning and you got to be up at seven. You roll into work. You're sitting at your computer.

sitting at your typewriter if you still live in the 80s and you're just working away and slowly your eyes get heavy your breathing slows down if you Jenkins

get up what are you doing? I'm not sure I wasn't sleeping yeah why is there drew them all over the face of your computer. The air conditioner's leaking. Yeah. It's tough, man. When you're tired and you've got to be at work,

you've seen it, man. You've seen the security guard sitting in the lobby in his chair. Bank robbers sneaking by. You know? You've seen people nod off. sitting there at their desk with their suddenly their balled up fist is their pillow right they put their elbow on the table and somehow a knuckle sandwich is just the perfect place to rest the side of your face yeah it's painful or how about you get on the phone or you got to be in a meeting

and you're talking to someone and you just you feel your eyes it's like someone put some of those lead diving belts. You know, the big belts divers use to get to the bottom of the ocean. It feels like someone strapped some of those to your eyelids, and they're just slowly closing, and you're fighting to keep them open. And then you go, you know what, I'll just blink. But I'll blink, but I'll make it a long, slow blink. So you're like, close your eyes, right?

And in your head, you're like, I'm just blinking. If anyone looks, I'll be blinking. I'll be like a really slow blank. and it'll make me look intelligent. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Except your blink never opens, right? You're so tired the minute your eyes close, you're already into your ram dream stage you're in a field jumping over rainbows with a unicorn and dr chavago and a can of pringles yeah it's tough man but you know i'm always on the job right people i'm wide awake i'll never let you here on the harland highway You know what?

I think a new law should be put on the books. Here's the new law that I want to see put into place, okay? There should be a law that when you are giving a phone number to someone over the phone, like let's say, you know, you're talking to your secretary. or something, right? Or you're talking to a friend. And you're like, okay, Bill, let me give you this guy's number. And then you go, 432, 198, 1556.

That's how it should be done. That should be quick and easy and over with. But here's what happens, okay? You're like, hey, Betty, let me give you this phone number. She's like, okay, go ahead. And you're like, okay, 392. Yeah, five, yeah, five, yeah, five, yeah, five, three, two, yeah, go ahead, five three, yeah, five, three, two, yeah, five, three, two, nine, one, yeah, nine, one, five, three, nine one, five, three, nine one, yeah. Okay, so you got people coming in with the yaz right on your number, okay, so, so then you got to start it again. It's like you give the area code 512, and then sometimes you stop.

You actually wait to see if they go, yeah, right? So then you give the next three numbers. You go 725, and then usually they go, okay, or yeah. And then you go 9-4-75. You give the last four numbers. So here's the law. No one should be allowed to say yeah and okay. during the number giving process because I can't tell you how many times I've tried to give someone a number.

And instead of saying, you know, the 10 numbers that are supposed to come out of my mouth, including the area code, I end up saying like 72 numbers because I keep getting cut off and having to start again. Okay? So here's the way it should be 412, 715-9-6-2-3. And here's the way it always ends up. 412, 5-7-3. Okay. 5-7-3.

Uh-huh. 4-2. Okay. And 5-7. Go ahead. 5-7. Sorry. Five, seven, eight, yeah, five, seven, eight, nine.

Okay. Right? You get all those yas and those pauses and those wadings and those interruptions, so there you go. New law, someone gives you a phone number, shut your greasy pie hole. Okay. Thank you. Go ahead. Yeah.

Shut up. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. Quiet. Yeah. And, shut up. Go ahead.

Sorry. What? Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Dig this. This week, they discovered something like 23 new planets in outer space. Can you believe it? It's not like you were wandering through your house and you found an old photograph or you found a dollar bill behind the couch.

Hey, look, I found a dollar. Yeah, well, I found 23 planets. Okay, you win. Isn't that cool? 23 new planets? I think they're probably not even named yet. I think I might as well get dibs on one right now. Planet Harland.

I'm naming that green and blue one. That's Planet Harland. Anyone who's cool can come to my planet. No nerds allowed. Ha ha ha ha. There's got to be something out there, man. Right? They discovered 23 new planets after all this time.

There's got to be more. Probably 23 more somewhere. There's got to be something on one of them that's alive. Something out there must be listening to the Harland Highway, right? There's got to be Martians laughing at this radio show, right? God, what's out there, people? We're just little grains of sand. Dust in the wind.

All we are is dust in the wind. We don't want to listen anymore. Sorry, sorry, sorry, stop singing. I don't know, I'm excited. Exciting stuff. 23 new planets Oh Get me Captain Kirk

I want to go on a mission Captain's log started five No I didn't mean it I don't really want Captain Kirk I'll go out stargazing tonight See if I can see Planet Harland

And that little line Going right through the middle of it That's not a crater or a fisher It's the Harland Highway Although I got to say, man, I'm a little irritated right now because, you know, the government has suspended or put on hold or frozen the space program. There's no more going to the moon. There's no more going to Mars. And the United States is just falling behind in an area that it once dominated.

area that was exciting, that was a pioneering industry, was exploring new frontiers, new horizons. Whether you kind of like it or not, the space program was kind of symbolic of the progressive and forward thinking of the United States of America. I mean, it showed that America had an imagination that America was exploring, looking for answers, looking for alternatives, and it just saddens me that instead of going forwards, you know, we went to the moon in the 60s, and yes, we have the shuttle program, but even that is being brought to an So, you know, it just feels like at one point the United States was like forging its way into the future to, you know, we're going to have floating cars and be flying around the planets and now it's like we just kind of scaled backwards. And, you know, it makes me mad when I see the government, you know, bailing out the car companies that mismanaged their own business, billion.

of dollars to the banks, billions of dollars to bail out the economy, all this stuff, whereas you have a space program that creates thousands of jobs and potentially leads to something new and fresh that would probably stimulate the masses and the economy and society further down the road. Now, you're probably going to be like, you're a dreamer, and no, you're like, what do you in a sci-fi magazine, but think about it. If we'd kept forging forward and we'd kept developing new space technology and rocket technology and aeronautical technology and all that stuff,

who's to say there wouldn't be a huge trillion-dollar industry in space travel or construction on another planet or whatever? And even though you may be laughing at me now, believe me, I think this will all play out in the future if mankind around long enough. But it just feels like we've stalled it. You know, stupid things like Barack Obama

is now suing the state of Arizona for enforcing its laws, trying to maintain its dangerous, violent border. Instead of putting money billions of dollars towards a space program, the president

is going to funnel money into suing his own country. uh you know and and that's a whole other complicated issue on itself that you could debate or argue or whatever but whatever the problem is it's it just seems like money ill spent it'll wasted and uh it's just sad to see uh the united states which was once the dominant force in space exploration space travel now like pretty much just hanging it up. And it's sad to see.

What would Captain James T. Kirk have to say, you know? Well, let me tell you what I have to say. Oh, brother. What are you doing here, Kirk? I heard you talking about the space program. I thought I should chime in. Okay, well, you know what? You are a commander of a spaceship, the USS Enterprise.

Yeah, we know the Enterprise from a TV show, okay? You're not a real space commander. Excuse me while I arm the torpedoes. There are no torpedoes. This is my radio console. This is my equipment for the podcast. I must get in there and warn Starfleet Command to arm the torpedoes. Okay, Kirk, stop it.

All right, look, while you're here, why don't I ask you? What do you think about the suspension of the United States, you know, space program? How does that affect us? What are your thoughts? Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Their five-year mission to seek out.

Stop it. To seek out straight. Stop it. To boldly go. and oh, man, it's gone before. Stop it! Well, you did ask me my opinion, and I'm giving you my opinion.

That's not your opinion. Those are the lines from the theme song of Star Trek. Now, can you answer it properly as a citizen and not in character? I suppose I could. Okay, I'm going to ask you again. What do you think about the Diminishing Space Program in the United States Space?

The Final Frontier, this. Oh, the, stop it. For five-year emissions, stop it! To pull the go, we're not... Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Get out of here. I can't leave the bridge of the USS Enterprise. This is my studio. It's not the bridge of the USS Enterprise. I will have security escort you out the bridge.

Okay, good. Call security. Here, press any button on my console here. You'll see that no security will come. Thank you, I will. There seems to be a malfunction. I must call Mr. Spock. Get out of here. There's no Mr. Spock.

There's no malfunction. Out. Unbelievable. What the hell am I wasting time with that guy for? Idiot. And speaking of time, he just used up the rest of our time here on the Harland Highway. Good Lord. Lots to think about today.

Outer space and all kinds of things. I hope you had a good time here today. Even though the space program is being cut back, we are not. The Harland Highway keeps exploring and exploring. We just keep rolling down the road for you, the faithful listeners. And great to be doing it. Having a blast. Hope you're having a good time.

Tell your friends. um don't keep the highway all to yourself let your friends know about it and uh don't forget that i will be at the ice house comedy club in pasadena this weekend uh august 6 and august 7th tell your friends about that you can get uh tickets by going to harlem williams dot com for all the information and i hope i see you there and uh as always until next time chicken chow main baby kirk get out of here i was just doing your closing line yeah well don't well how about this one space the final just all right do it chicken chow maine baby