The Harland Highway - PODCAST 148

Episode Date: August 6, 2010

UFO's, Charles Manson, the metric system, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Lumbering lumber yards! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do pressure coming down on me to do a good podcast under pressure. I am under pressure to do a good, great, amazing podcast for you today and I think I have the tools to do it. I really do believe in myself today. I believe in me. I hope you believe in me. What a show we have today. We have some really interesting topics. We are running the gamut here today.

We are going to be talking about UFOs. We are going to be talking about UFO sightings. And yes, I will reveal to you that I legitimately had a UFO sighting, and I'm going to tell you all about it. It was kind of cool, man. We're going to be checking in with Charles Manson. Yeah, that guy's up for. parole. Lock your doors and your windows. Sadly, it's Friday. Yeah. And speaking of someone who,

to me, is Manson-like, I have to visit with my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascot. Who knows what that dealweed will have me doing today. Whatever it is, I guarantee you I will be annoyed. I can't stand the guy. And lastly, we're going to be looking into the metric system and units of measurement and that whole world that I do not understand. But I do understand this, and I hope you do. You're on the Harland Highway. I've got the chin Come on baby

Pretty baby Let me in Oh thank you I've got the side birds I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in

Whoa Don't just hate it when you're going And a hot dog flies It's in your magic Oh Yeah Because I want to be The H-A-R-L-A-N-D

Welcome to the Harland Highway Hey, Hey, Hey, everybody, Harland Williams rolling around with you on the Harland Highway, and here's something creepy.

Our old friend, Charles Manson, is up for parole again. Why they keep even giving I'm a shot at parole, I don't know. But let's listen to a bit of Charles Manson in his own words, his own chilling words, and let us remember why he should never get out. Take it away, Charles.

I don't fit in society, and I am incompetent. Oh, really? You've got it stuck in your brain that I murdered somebody. What do you want to call me a murderer for? I've never killed anyone. I don't need to kill anyone. I think it I have it here

Yeah Charlie Let's hear what Charlie had to say About murder Maybe I should have killed 4,500 people Then I would have felt better And when I felt like I really offered society

Something You know, if I wanted to kill somebody I'd take this book and beat you to death with it And I wouldn't feel a thing It'd be just like walking to the drugstore Wow. Now listen here as Charlie starts mocking the parole officer and then breaks into his own nutty cartoon character. Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Do you feel like wolf's a cabal for a friend of French? Bunch Bunch Bucch Bha. Okay. So if that's not enough, here's why Charles Manson should not get out.

on parole listen to this I can do anything I want to you people at any time I want to because that's what you've done to me if you spit in my face and smack me in the mouth and throw me in solitary confinement for nothing what do you think's going to happen when I get out of here okay if that doesn't say at all what does and for those of you that have any doubt any doubt at all and to summarize why we should not let Charles Manson out on parole. Listen to this just once more. Hello.

Oh man. Be afraid. Be afraid. Be a very afraid. This is Harlan Williams. Keeping it safe here on the Harland Highway. I'm out there on the highway. Sure. I'm out there on the highway. Okay, creepy, right? Especially that part at the end where he says he's out on the highway with us? Oh, God. And I thought me and you were the only wacky ones out here. Oh, watch out for Charlie.

And speaking of other weird things in the universe, I got a letter, a letter to Harlandwiliams.com. You can go to Harlanwiliams.com and email me. Your thoughts and feelings and they get back to me and I read them on the Harland Highway like I'm about to A young gentleman named OLAV Phillips, OLAV, O-L-A-V, cool name, never heard it before, but I dig it. OLAV, come here, please, and make me some snitchell. Yes, Daddy. Anyways, he sent me a letter.

to the mailbag and it says, Hi, Harlan. First let me say that I'm a fan and I loved your work since I saw Rocket Man. Anyways, I've noticed in some of your work there is a UFO conspiracy theme which I really found funny, but I was wondering if you had an interest in the subject

or had seen anything. I'm sure you've been asked that before, but I'd figure I'd try it again. Thanks for your time. Olaf Phillips, founder of the Anomalies Network. Now, I don't know what that is. I'm going to dig into it a bit more, but let me answer the question.

I do believe in UFOs. I do believe in extraterrestrial life. I do believe that in this vast expanse of a universe we live in where we don't even know where it ends, the probability of us being the only living organisms, I think, is an impossibility. there has to be something, whether it's a bacteria or an enzyme or a chromosome or a molecule, whatever it is. There's got to be something out there, okay? Now, I could be wrong.

This is just what I think. But wouldn't it be something if in that endless trillions and trillions, infinity, billions, gazillions of miles. There's nothing else out there. We are the only one. We are the anomaly. We are the only,

only little speck harboring life, incubating life. I mean, how special are we? How strange are we? How odd are we? So I hope there's something else out there. Now, that being said, I don't know that they float around,

do they have spaceships or they look like us or i mean what are the odds that anything would look like us or behave like us um but you know maybe they're just slithering or maybe they're made of water i don't know but i do olaf olaf bring me the schnitchel so i can continue yes daddy um my new favorite name olaf um But the idea that there is something out there and that it comes here fascinates me. Because I would hope that at some point in human history we make contact, that we encounter, we interact with something else. I just think it would be fascinating. And if they were smarter than us, if they were more intelligent, if they had greater technology that they could share with us,

and we ended up going across the galaxy to visit them. I mean, hopefully the benefits to mankind would poll-vault us ahead in terms of our knowledge, our capacity, as thinking, living organisms. But the next question was, have I ever seen anything? And the answer is yes, not only have I seen anything, seen something. I have filmed something. And let me explain. I might have talked about it in earlier podcasts, but because Olaf missed it or asked me about it, I will bring it up again. And maybe I haven't brought

it up. I can't remember because we've done so many podcasts, but I was shooting my own independent movie called Fudgee Wudgy Fudge Face, which will be showing up on my website very soon, by the way. It's my first indie movie that I wrote and directed and star in myself. It is bizarre. It is twisted. And believe it or not, it's about a hillbilly that meets an alien that crashed on planet Earth and the alien stumbles out of his UFO and the first living human being he meets is this idiot hillbilly who I play. Elmore P. Fudge. Hence the name Fudgy Wudgy fudge face and this is all real i know it sounds crazy but it is true um so anyways one day we were out in uh in california out in cali and uh we were shooting a scene where it was what we call a point

of view shot so basically uh i had the camera mounted on the ground and the camera was pointed up to my upper torso my face my head my chest and uh we were filming up into the sky on a completely cloudless and I say cloudless not one cloud in the sky is zero wind it was a very still day you can even see by the footage that even like a hair on my head isn't really blowing or moving and uh we're shooting upwards and um you know we shot and we went home and I dumped the footage into the uh the editing bay and uh I was editing a way and I was looking for the take that I wanted and going through the takes I saw one where there was just this slight little blip and it was at the end of the footage and I was just about

to just pass by it and I never would have seen it again because it wasn't the take I ended up using I ended up using another take so this just would have ended up in some stock footage that probably never would have been seen by anyone again so here I am and I go wait a minute what was that little tiny blip it was so fast i'm still to this day amazed that i even caught it okay it is super fast it's faster than a bolt of lightning it was just like gone um so i thought i saw something so i i rolled back and i watched it again and sure enough there's just this quick little thing it was like quicker than the quickest flash you've ever seen okay and i thought okay It must be a piece of dust.

But just out of curiosity, I was about to move on. I thought, you know what? I'm going to press the frame-by-frame button and just see if there's anything there. And lo and behold, I press the frame-by-frame button. It is slowed down, as slow as it can get. I'm looking at this moment frame-by-frame. And believe me, this thing was so fast.

I only have about six frames to look at. but what happens is behind my head a disk-shaped thing with it looks like there's six lights on it comes in behind my head almost at the speed of light changes direction in the blink of an eye and zooms out the other way so picture my head filling the screen and almost like a tent you know how a tent would look if it was over my head would be like the drooping side it would go upwards peak to the tent pole in the middle and then come back down the other side. It's almost an

upside down V if you will so this thing comes zipping in goes up over my head and then for some reason changes direction in the blink of an eye and goes back down and I have this on

film I don't know if I've ever told anyone it freaked me out and I'm like what in the name of hell is that um so what I did is I brought a few of my friends in um and every single one of them have said dude that's a UFO that is a UFO and they're not experts they're just friends but nobody can explain it my only theory is that maybe it is a fly that came in super fast and it was so fast that my kids hammer could not register it. It could only register the movement and the refracted light from the wings beating at, you know, three million miles a second. But even in my heart of hearts, somehow I go, you know what, that's not a fly. That is like something I've never seen before.

And you can see it clearly. And I am going to post it on my website soon. I'm going to release my movie, Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face on the internet for you folks to see and enjoy and at the same time I will release that footage and I will release the slowed down version so you can look at it. I'll show you the fast and the slow and pretty amazing.

So there you go. I did have an encounter with what could possibly I mean it's definitely a UFO in the terms that it's an unidentified flying. object. I do not know what it is. Now, is it some kind of spaceship or space creature or, you know, there's

people that theorize that there are creatures living in the sky that are almost invisible and microscopic and you know how if you look in the ocean at night and they shine a light through the ocean and there's trillions of little particles

and creatures and things swirling around in the beam of the light? They say that there's creatures like that in the air that we can't really see, that we don't really notice. And I think if you go on YouTube, if you sniff around, I don't know what they're called. I think someone's calling them airworms or something, but if you sniff around on YouTube, you can actually see footage of them, but I have to say none of the footage is quite as good as the one I accidentally captured the day I was filming.

And yeah, it was a total accident. long answer but an interesting topic and there's the answer my friend Olaf and I will notify you guys when I finally do post the footage on the air hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Here on the Harland Highway, and as if this episode couldn't get any weirder or any worse or any better or any more annoying, it is Friday. And guess who's here? Yeah, that's right. It's Friday. I have to do my therapy session on the air with that annoying guy who I think might be a space alien.

Ah, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today? Please don't have an attitude, Arland. I don't have an attitude. I just... What are we doing today?

Arland, don't snap at me. Say it nicely. What are we doing today, Dr. Ascot? Thank you, Arland. Today, Arland, we are going to learn to reveal our secrets. Our secrets. And what, pray tell, is that going to accomplish?

Arland, we all keep secrets, and secrets can cause pain. Secrets can cover up pain. And by revealing our inner secrets, we can release the pain. Why do you say release like that? Release. You sound like a little dead cow. Oh, Arland. A dead cow cannot say the word, release.

Can we just get on with this? Yes, Arland, I want you to tell me your deepest secrets. No, I'm not telling you my secrets. Arland, you will get a pink slip from the powers that be upstairs. So you're going to use the pink slip there? Arland. Okay. A secret...

Arland, I want you to whisper them in my... ear. Why would I whisper them in your ear? Because Arlen's secrets are very confidential, and they should be whispered at all times. Okay, maybe you're right this time. I don't want my listeners to know all my dark, deep secrets. That's right, Arlen, because what? I don't know. Because secrets hurt, Holland. Okay, secrets hurt. All right. What do I do? Holland, I want you to come right next to my ear and whisper a secret in my ear. Okay, not if you say it like that. Holland whisper a secret in my ear, Holland.

Stop it, you sound like a sylon. Holland. Stop it! Holland whisper a secret in my ear immediately. Does that mean I have to get close to your head? Yes, Arlen, get up by my ear. Close up. How's this?

A little bit close. This is as close as I'm getting. Here's one of my secrets. I got a... I got my sister. I got my dad. And we never came home that night. Holland, that's very interesting. Continue.

And then I get out of my... There, a secret. Very interesting, Holland. Does it feel like you released some inner pain? Well, not really. I mean, I don't find secrets that painful. Let's try another. try another one, Holland, maybe you weren't close enough.

You know, your ear was kind of... I don't like getting that close to the side of your head. I could see the pores in your skin and the hairs on your ear. Holland, this isn't about me. It's about you, Holland. Oh, God, I'm doing one more. And, Arlen, secrets are painful. Yeah, I know you've said that.

Let me... This is painful. Just having you here is painful. Holland, are you calling me a secret? Oh, I wish you were a secret that I never knew about. Arland. Ahlund, come close and release your painful secret. This is the last one.

Okay, Arlen, get very close. Put your head right up against my ear. I want to feel your nose on my temple. Oh my God, Arland. Okay, let me get this over there. I'm right right by your ear. A little deeper, Arland. Okay, I'm right by your ear.

ear and I'm whispering my last secret. I got, ah, ah, ah, ah, what the hell is that on my nose? Ow, ah, a mousetrap. That's right, Alland. What the, ow, God, you... What the hell is there a mousetrap doing in your ear? I wanted you to know that secrets hurt, Alland. Oh, God, do they hurt?

Ow, my nose is bleeding, you mrs. You moron? Alland, I told you that secrets hurt. Yeah, get out of here. Holland. Get out of here. Would you like to try the other ear, Arland? Out, out, out.

Allend, I've got a surprise for you in the other ear. I've got a skunk in my ear. Get out! Unbelievable. I've got to go get some Kleenex. My nose is bleeding all over the plane. What a moron. Alland.

Out. Have a great weekend, everybody. I'll probably be at the hospital and the emergency room. I would keep that a secret if I were you all under. Get out! Okay, anybody here listening ever have to deal with the metric system? I'm sure some of you truck drivers or some of you business folks listening have had to deal with the old metric system.

You know, Canada has it, the UK. A lot of European countries have adopted the old metric system. I don't know, man. I just don't like the names. You know, I like feet. I like ounces. I like degrees. I like the old Americana definitions.

Miles. I don't want to go a kilometer or a kilometer. I want to go a mile, man. It's five miles to Dairy Queen. Something sexy about that. Hey man, how far to Dairy Queen? It's five kilometers. Oh, man, okay, bummer.

I don't think I'm going to go. You sure it's not five miles? No, it's five kilometers. I don't know what a kilometer is, man. I'm not going. You know that old ad? I'd walk a mile for a camel. Remember the cigarettes?

It ain't sexy going, I'd walk a kilometer for a camel. Huh? I don't know, liters. Millimetres? What the hell's a millimeter, man? That sounds like an insect from the Brazilian rainforest. Oh, my God, there's a millimeter crawling up your leg. How long is it?

It's a couple of millimeters. Oh, my God. I thought you said there was one. No, I mean, it's... A couple of millimeters long. Oh, I'm confused. So am I. I'm not even doing the right voices where they belong.

Did you hear that? I got so mixed up. I did the voices wrong. You know, you know, I'm mixed up when I'm intermixing the voice is the wrong way. When I do my little funny characters that you people love, see what the metric system just did to me? It mixed me all up. I better go smoke a bunch of things.

kilograms of weed and settle down. There's another one. Kilograms. I want a couple ounces of weed, man. Yeah, how about some kilograms, dude? No, that stuff's too heavy for me. I don't know, man. Whoever came up with it.

Go jump in the calacogram. There, I made up my own metric term for a large body of water. Go jump in the calico gram. For you, layman, that means lake here on the Harland Highway. And speaking of measurements on this level, okay? I'm going to kind of peel back a page and let you see how stupid I am right now. And I wonder if you people will admit to the same stupidity I own. And I'm ashamed.

But you know what? It's just, it's not so much maybe out of stupidity as it is out of laziness, okay? There's kind of like this side math when it comes to measurements, okay? And let me explain if I can. I don't even know if I have the knowledge to explain to you what I'm lacking. That's how bad it is, but there's a whole, it's kind of like, you know, do you know your times tables? Do you know how to do division? Do you know how to do multiplication?

you know how to do subtraction. Well, when it comes to measurements, there's a whole subsection of different measurements where you have to know measurements within measurements. Like, do you know how many ounces make up a court? Do you know how many courts make up a liter? Do you know how many inches make up a foot? do you know how many feet make up a you know do you know how many pounds make up a ton do you know how many

pounds make up half a ton do you know how many eights there are in an inch you know you know what i mean like all that stuff uh like uh you know the the measurements of liquids in in jars and tablespoons and all those kind of little side measurements a cup a half cup uh you know a drop a drop uh you know a drop I got to admit I'm completely like rain man when it comes to that stuff. Yeah, yeah, must get measurements, yeah, must get, yeah, tablespoons, yeah, who's on, who's on court, yeah, who's on ounces, yeah, who's on, you know, I can't even do it. I don't, I don't know all these things. You know, I honestly don't even know if I know what a quart of milk is. God, I'm an idiot.

Why am I admitting? This should be one of my Dr. Eskot's secrets. Secrets do hurt. I'm telling you how much of a doorknob I am. Like when I order pizza, okay, this is how bad it is. Wow. You might tune me out after this, but when the pizza guy go, I want a bottle of pop, okay, with my pizza.

And the pizza guy, yeah, you want a 20-ounce coke or you want one quart, You want a court or ounce? I swear to God, I'm not sure I know. Okay, I think the court is the big one and the 20 ounce is the small one, but I'm just saying that because I've ordered it a few times. But I got to be honest, I'm in my 40s, and there's been days when I don't know. I just go, give me the court, I guess, dude. Oh, you're going to drink it all yourself, you fat pig?

Oh, man, and when it comes to, like, ounces and, uh, tablespoons and cooking? Are you kidding? You need three quarters of a cup and, uh, nine eighths of an inch. And when it, if it came to construction, I couldn't, uh, build a house. Uh, you know, you need to cut that, uh, piece of wood, uh, nine inches by, uh, three quarters of an eighth. What? I swear I'd build up like, I'd end up building an upside down, uh, you know, igloo, leaning, leaning to the left.

I'd end up creating the leading tower of Pisa I know it's bad It's very very bad and why I admit it to you Because you like to get your secrets out, Arland Oh God, what are you doing here You see Alland, you let your secret out and it hurts Yeah it does hurt, I'm an idiot I know that, Arland

Get out of here Oh God So there you go One of my dark, painful secrets, I don't know measurements. I don't even know what they're called. I'm saying measurements. Are they liquid measurements? Are they?

What a dork. Look, when I was a kid, that stuff bored me. I can distinctly remember classes where we were taught that stuff. The teacher would pull out containers and everything. We would jugs and glasses and I tuned out faster than, let's say, you are someone who hates sports. Okay, let's say you hated sports and someone invited, you know, you're on a date, you're a girl, and your boyfriend, this guy sits down and says, hey, I want you to watch the baseball game with me. And you'd never watch baseball and you didn't understand any of the rules. And there's a lot of rules.

Well, that's how I am with measurements. And I don't know what they're called liquid measurements, the table of measurements. That's how bad it is. The minute it came into my life when I was a kid in high school, I shut it off. I turned the channel. I didn't want to know, and I still don't. Oh, and now I'm paying for it. You see, education is important, kids.

I just better go have a six-pack. At least I know that liquid measurement. I'll go have a six-pack, drown my misery, drown my stupidity, numb the senses. and just let this one go by. Maybe one of those airworm UFOs will come and take me away. Oh, God. I wonder if Charles Manson knows his measurements. I wonder if I said to Charles Manson, I said, hey, Charles,

how many ounces in a court? What's the answer? And I would have to believe that because I don't know any better. But I do know that we have come to the end. There are no more ounces left in this episode, this podcast. But if you need to see more of me, if you need to hear more of me, I urge you this weekend, Friday tonight and tomorrow night, August 6th and 7th, you can catch me live baby live at the ice house comedy club in pasadena california um i will be there

go to harlowe williams dot com to get your uh times and dates and tickets um or you can go to icehouse dot com and uh i hope i see you there and uh until next time my friends until next time chicken chow main baby nine or ten ounces of it I'm out there on the highway sure I'm out there on the highway Thank you.