The Harland Highway - PODCAST 149 Justin Schlegel

Episode Date: August 9, 2010

My very special guest today is Justin Schlegel, a VERY funny comedian who is starting to blow up in the world of stand up comedy. Saggy sagebrush licorice!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, pass the podcast on the left-hand side. Pass the podcast on the left-hand side. Okay, now, pass it on the right. Just don't pass it completely. Hey, folks, welcome. It is me, Harland Williams, and you're with me on the Harland Highway today. And today is a special show, a very special show.

Normally, you get mostly me. You get a lot of skits and characters and commentary. But today I have a special guest who's going to be with us for pretty much the whole show. He's a great new comedian who you'll be finding out about as we talk to him today. He'll find out about where you can get information on them. And you'll just, in general, get to be a fly on the wall. and listen to our crap. But I think you're going to really enjoy this guy.

I know I did. His name is Justin Schlegel. And you know what? I'm going to just stop talking about it. Hope you enjoy our visit with Justin. Let's get to it right now because ladies and gentlemen, you are on the Harland Highway. First he's a crow, then he's my glue.

There's 20,000 beings in this single dude He entertains Right from his brains From his mind to yours is like a bullet drain Fighters random thoughts On the top of his head He's as surprised as you are hearing what he said So let's all enjoy

He's got a lot to say Open your mind It's the Hall and have words Welcome to the Harland Highway Hey everybody Scatterly Diddley-Diddley-Doo It's Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway

And what a treat What a wonderful treat today is So there's days when you wake up You see the fluffy clouds go by And you watch the hotel crumble to the ground And you just feel happy to be alive I have a special giggly guest in with me today. Uh, very, uh, excellent guest, uh, his name, J.S. Justin Schlegel. Am I saying it right?

You're saying it perfectly. Schlegel. How is it Schlegel? Is it Schlegel or Schlegel? Schlegel? Schlegel. I always have trouble with your name. It's German for sheepherder. Really? So, okay, going off of that, is that, that would indicate that somewhere down the chain, someone in your family was a sheep herder where the fuck to go really like hey sheep and the rest of your ilk that way so there's elk too sheep and elk she anything we've probably hurted humans we just like we like to take other creatures yeah this is where you're heading today so wait a minute so do you have the hurting hurting hurting instinct like you know how a sheep dog like even if it's never been around sheep the minute you put it around sheep it just goes boar and it knows what to do are you

I had 17 comics follow me to get Poutine last night. Really? I ushered them into a little Poutine hut, and I felt very natural. Wow. Tommy, Ingrid, Philip, Scooter, Chester, Johnny Chuckle-Nuts. We're going to go get Poutine, follow my lead. Next thing you know, everybody's enjoying themselves. Wow, that girl must have been worn out.

She was very upset. Wow. Well, welcome to the Harland Highway. This is your first visit here, right? I'm very excited to come trekking down the highway. to Fun Town, population you with your extremely long fingers. Christ.

I actually have short fingers, believe it or not. I don't know. You have short fingers but big knuckles and just massive Kruger nails. I have big hands, but my fingers are kind of short. Like if I put my hand up next to a girl,

they're about the same size, which is bad. You have effeminate hands, but like such a masculine torso and set of lips. yeah so that masculine set of man lips that sets it off um so let's i got some questions for you man because you're you know a lot you've been around the world you know things i've been to so many destinations can i rattle off a few booing maryland let's hear them let's hear we'll play to maryland maryland i've been to booey i've been to essex maryland wow i have been to westminster maryland wow and coming up a little later this year based on some contacts that i made last

night, do you know Barry Burlbaum? Nobody does. I just met him. He wants me to head over to Dover, Delaware, because apparently he books a Planned Parenthood. All right. Well, what I meant to say is you've been around your own little world, not the world. No world. Yeah. All right, well, based on your worldly experience, I'm sure you have answers to some of these. Samuel L. Jackson. All right. What does the L stand for? I don't know if I know. I don't know if anybody knows. Can you please tell me what the L and Samuel L. Jackson is. I don't know. Simple response.

What? Samuel L. Jackson. The man is black. The man is sweet. The man is talented. And he sought after. Lickrish. Lickrish Jackson.

That is what the L stands for. Wow, that's right. Wikipedia. Check it out. See, I knew you'd know. Okay, well, then let me try this one on you. William H. Macy. See, you get that, crack that egg.

Man, William H. Macy. What's that? H all about right in the middle. You ever seen his skin? Have you ever seen it up close? It's very pasty. It's soft. It's easily cuttable. Dare I say spreadable, William Havardi Macy. Harvarty? Havardi, as in the cheese, as in his flesh, as in white and delicious. Oh my God. I thought Havardi was a type of sewing machine. No, Havardi is a highly, highly sought after cheese. I've never heard of Havardi. You never heard of Havardi cheese? I used to read the Havardi boys' mysteries when I was a kid, but I didn't know it was a cheese.

It's a cheese. From where? From Havardiana. It's... Arvartianna, you're making up countries. That's a county. This is your own little world. This is my own little place.

No, it's where Nick Nolte went to community college at HVarty County Community College, HCCC. That's where you learn to act. Oh, man. All right. Well, you're getting good at this. Here's another one. This is JFK. I think I know what the first two.

stamp for what's what's the f stand for in jfk uh john jennedy something kennedy what is that f uh well i can only imagine you know after he had a hollow point go flying

through his thoughts was fuck yeah that makes sense probably the minute that he had a round go piercing through his dreams wow he probably wasn't like you know john dangnabit kennedy Yeah. Or John, what the heck, Kennedy.

That was John, fuck. Kennedy. You're right, man. You are really good at this. I tried out for Jeopardy 14 times. Now, if you let me ask you this, if you were riding in the motorcade, and let's say it wasn't Jackie in the seat,

but it was you sitting there in the pink dress and the bonnet. The side of him propped up on the seat beside. What would you do? When he took the F into the head, what would you have done? I immediately reached for a wet nap. Did you see how nice that dress was? I mean, it was a high-quality silk, cotton hybrid that looks like that's not going to come out of.

So I immediately find the first Secret Service guy I can find. I say, do you have any wet naps, Purell, handy wipes? I need to get this skull and brain matter off of me because... I don't know that they had wet naps in the 60s. They came over on the Nina Pinta and Santa Maria to find wet naps and spices. For the queen, all right? Okay, you got me. God, you are hard to stump here.

Continue on, down the Harland Highway. All right, let's get into something that I've always wondered about you in this. What was your favorite Muppet, first of all? Okay. From the Muppets, what was your fave? Truly, animal. It was my first memorable Christmas gift. I got the animal drum set.

Wow. And my dad, three to four minutes within owning. the animal drum set, wanted to take one of the drumsticks and absolutely Van Helsing me through the heart with that thing because it was driving him nuts. Animal was great. He was my favorite. And if he was alive, if he was a real guy, and you could go out on the town with him with Animal,

if you could go anywhere with him on a cruise, wherever, what would you an animal do? What would be the scenario? I'd probably take him to some sort of picnic attended exclusively by blind people. to just scare the shit out of every last attendee as they're sitting down fumbling for the jelly and jam amongst the grass while the midday sun beats down on their poorly functioning eyeballs and then out of nowhere he is here I don't know where to run to I don't know where that's fucking coming from but something is out here

and I would just sit back and giggle and enjoy a juice box while he laid waste to all sorts of folks that are running around like bees have been unleashed Wait a minute, let me get this straight. There's jellies and jams in the grass. They have jellies and jams and jars, but it's a picnic, as I pointed out. So they're probably sitting amongst the grass flora and or fauna. Sheckerboard sheet laid out beneath them. As I said, they fumble for the silverware. To spread the smuckers upon the rits that they have to just hope is a ritz.

I mean, they have to take someone's word for it. What else could it be? Hopefully it's not a knockoff. Okay, I have to take the cashier's word for it. I said they're all blind. And next thing you know, Animal and I come rolling up on the segways. All right, we've got matching ones. Mine's white.

His is black, all right, very ebony and ivory. I unleash him into the crowd. And he goes nuts. He goes bananas. I sit back. I laugh and I no longer question Jesus' love because I'm looking at it in person while a human Muppet scares the shit out of a blind picnic. I think maybe you could just scare them without the animal.

Yeah, just run or, you know, I would love to do is to attend a blind picnic and just run around and just tickle and run. Just like just a drive-by tickling and run. That's got to be freaky. It's got to be awful. To be blind and have someone. It's like one of those horror movies where you see teenagers fumbling in the dark

and like one of the creatures is like brushes their face or something. Someone's knocked the light bulb out and fumbling in the dark. You hear the, is that you, Johnny? And then the next thing you know, there's claws in their back. I would do that except instead of claws.

just be ticklings and then run off into the woods. I didn't think this interview would get scary, but I'm getting goose bumps. Could you turn the lights up? No, I'm scared. Put some pants on. I'm scared. Put some pants on. What are goose bumps?

It's like a weird, sudden, full-body, herpetic emotional outbreak. Your entire body's like, herpes, now they're gone. Yeah. Every last little pour in your body just decides to pompey its ass up for a second. It's like for like a brief moment. you become sandpaper. You're like an X-Man. For just two seconds, you have the worst X-Man ability capable.

Cyclops, shooting lasers, Wolverine, heals himself, store them. I'm going to make it do just that. Hey, goose pimple, man. What can you do? Get scared. Come on over and smooth out my canoe paddle. Come over here. Let me buff that balsa wood for you.

God. But you have to scare the shit out of me first. It's a bad X-Men power, man. It's a terrible power. What would your X-Men power be? You probably have one, but what is it? Tell me, be honest. If I had an X-Men power, some sort of superhero power to ward off danger,

I would make people have to instantly go to the bathroom with a look. I would make people have to instantly go, deuce, like a fiendish deuce, not like a, I can pinch this one off while we have our superhero battle. I mean, like, hey, this thing needs to get taken care of. of immediately, or I'm going to shit my tights, okay? Like, I'm not going to look like, you know, the master of magnetism magneto when I'm filling my drawers with a little putteen.

With their tights on, you said. And because it swells up, you know? I would love to make people have to instantly go to the bathroom just with a small gears bay. I don't know if that could be used for the good or the betterment of mankind. That sounds borderline evil to me. That's more of like a self-defense mechanism.

them like the minute. Oh, okay. So if like Magneto or someone's or Oval Tino or someone's coming at you, you can just make them have to take a dump. Carpal tunnel Tino comes bringing his wrinkly wrists up towards me to flap me around and I just kind of shoot him the hairy eyeball. Next thing you know, he's like, I need a Johnny on the spot right now or I'm going to ruin my super tights. Excellent. You know what? At first I was apprehensive. I was a little nervous. I wasn't on board with your superpower, but now I absolutely love it. I love it, and you can never have it, like, pointed back at you, like, it's not my fault. I saw that guy eat at the Waffle House three hours ago.

It's not me. Well, what would your name be, though, when you have such a power where you can, was it movement man? Craptastic. Oh, wow. I don't know. The deuce. The deuce. Double down.

The log cabin? Yeah, the log cabin. Pincherton loaf. Loferson. Get me Thunderloaf on line five. The poo or something. Oh, yeah, the poo. That's taken, though.

Brown Thunder. Winnie the Pooh. How's that? There you go. See, if I had a super villain headquarters, it would be Pooh Corner. Oh, that's right. And my, like, my Igor-esque sidekick would be Tigger who would give you chiggers. Oh, wow.

You've thought this. I think you might have somehow thought this out, and I think maybe you really are the deuce. I am the deuce. I think this isn't your. even like a hypothetical. Don't stare at me like that. I feel in your stomach get a little tight. Hang on, listen to that.

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Dude. All right, hang on. I got to pause. Can we pause for a minute? Let's go ahead and hit a quick pause on this. Can you stick around for a minute? Let's, are you going to be okay? Yeah, give me a minute, okay. We'll be right back. This is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway with the Deuce. We'll be right back. We'll be right back with the deuce. Son of a bitch. Hey, this is Harland Williams with another helpful tip here on the Harland Highlands. highway. Are you tired of getting parking tickets? You pull up to the curb and there's a bunch of

confusing signs about the hours and the times and the days you can park in a certain place on the street? Well, here's what you do. Next time you pull up to a confusing parking zone and don't want to worry about getting a ticket, just pull your car right up over the curb and park it on the sidewalk. Legally, it's not even on the street. You're right on the public sidewalk. You'll avoid tickets. You'll avoid confusion.

You'll avoid being bothered by confusing parking signs. Just another friendly tip for me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. All right, we are back. We are back with the deuce. Feel good? Feel better? Well, I don't even want to talk. about. Yeah, I do. I'm not going to look at you for the rest of the interview.

Okay. Just you can look at me, but don't stare. Don't give me the stink eye, which it really is. The old hairy eyeball. Yeah, that is literally, that's it. Stink eye. Stink eye would be the name. Wow. Okay. Speaking of uncomfortable moments, I wanted to ask you, what's your worst memory of seeing something you didn't want to see? I would have to say it would be one of two things. Okay. Can we hear both? I'm going to give you both. Oh, you rock. Because you're the deuce. You have to give us two.

I come in two. Okay. It's, I'm like Twix. Okay. The minute you're done with one, you're like, that was delicious, but I wish there was more. Oh, shit, there is. It's like a Reese's cup. Maybe that's your name, Twix.

Twix. But Twix, my freshly pooped bottom. Oh, my God. I would have to say it would be my mom having intercourse with my gigantic stepdad. he was a fatty and not just a fatty like one of those monstrous like tLC will do a special on them we have to get the backhoe and cut out half the house to haul his gilbert great mom looking ass out of the sky god that's almost a nat geo one there it was awful having her like scale you know mount butt cheek to make her way you know to the little mushroom kingdom tucked beneath his gigantic gut

I was in my room and I just heard just the Oh, no, and I'm like, Mom, are you being attacked? And I look out and she has just climbed onto this just mountain of lard. Oh, so she was on top? Well, she had to be. I mean, she would have died if she was beneath. I mean, you might as well, you know, back a moving truck over her filled with cellulite because this man, no exaggeration.

easily pushing 490, maybe 500 pounds. What was she thinking Dayton? Is she into fat guys? No, you know what it was? Is he owned a bunch of motorcycles, and when she left my dad, she was really into the biker culture. She feel like she missed out in her youth because she married young. So this dude owned a bunch of bikes and had biker friends. And he was like the big, like, Tony Soprano Fadi of the group.

Like, while he was a big, disgusting slop hog, They all, you know, still looked up to him And she just decided to put down the area where I came from on top of it And I had to witness that And it was disgusting Because it wasn't normal sex It was very cert du Soleil Let me prop my foot on the ottoman

Let me put the other one up on the Betamax player Which we had And just kind of bounce the brisket Up and down on it I mean like watching Princess Leia climb on Jabba the hut That's exactly what it was like deleted scene from the Empire Strikes Back. Yeah, it was like something that Lucas had filmed privately for his own private stock,

and he only watches it in 8mm. That's good. Malauhoun, Bagina, Hulu, and Sulu. Your child is looking at us. Wow. It was disgusting. Well, how old were you? I got to know how old you are, because this could answer a lot of questions.

13 13 so you saw you witnessed one of the most horrific sex acts known to humankind even if it was not my beloved mother right still been one of the most haunting sex acts that i would have ever had to lay witness to oh yeah well even even the fact even more that it was your mother and first time i had seen this man sans clothing too so obviously a fatty like that his circulation was shit so there's all these like purple purple, you know, diabetes-esque-looking bruises all over them. Just there looks like, it looks like somebody through small water balloons of Casey Masterpiece Barbecue sauce. It vary parts, various parts of his body.

And there's just purple and maroon splotches of dying and or dead skin. Oh, my God. And obviously, his meat and two veg haven't seen the sun since he was in his protein. So it was just, it was this albino. Oh, you see. saw that. Nubble it. I saw it make entry. Oh, it must have looked like someone pulling a parsnip out of a root

seller. God. I mean, good Lord. It was so bad. It was awful. It looked like the marshmallow that you were using for your smore, but you got distracted. And then you look back like, no, it's melting off the stick. But I've still

caught it. Yeah, it was just this gross little mishmash of Hivarti and fur. Oh, well, that being said, you were, you were at a, in a formative point in your development. Yeah, this is where. You're 13, probably just when your pubs are coming in and you're starting to have feelings of sexuality and so on. And you walk into that wall of meat. I walk into this, this great wall of redneck china, which is to this day reverberated in my, in my lovemaking. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Who was the great. philosopher that did all this stuff

about the sociologist Sigmund Freud? Freud. There's got to be some Freudian implications to seeing your mother rolling around on a human bowl of pudding pop. Watching a moon bounce fucker was just the worst thing ever. No, and to this day, I cannot have a meaningful

physical relationship with a woman unless she looks like Louis Anderson. And I can get on top. Oh, God, child. And I have to have a 13-year-old walk in on me. It's the only way that I can bring myself to roll credits, as it were. Wow. Some terrified child now watch me.

Yeah, you need that. And it's not even like in a gross kind of pedophile kitty porn way. It's just, it's a psychological necessity. I need to have the impressionable eyes of Kinder. Yeah. Upon me while I bed down. Uh, Roseanne Barr, circa 1992. Oh, yeah.

It's awful. It's terrible. Son. Son. I know. It's where I could have Megan Fox come up to me, and I would push her aside to get to Winona Judd. So you seriously have to get your booty on with a big woman now?

I take a carton of cigarettes, a six pack of Pepsi Cola, and a lawn chair, and I prop myself in front of curbs, and just wait to see what. salty sweaty mammoth comes walking out of that gym but wait a minute it was such a horrific sight wouldn't you have the opposite effect where your mind would go I could never touch anyone with an ounce of fat I have to go out with beautiful cellulite-free supermodels because if I see one ripple one little fault

one dent in the ashton you think that would be the case but it's very much like Stockholm syndrome where the kidnapper E falls in love with the kidnap her after being locked in place for so long. How about more like Stock Yard syndrome? How about that? You stock your stockhouse syndrome. It's Baskin-Robbinsitis.

Oh, God, child. I know. It's awful. I deal with it every day. And there's no support groups that deal with people. People that smoke crack, people that have unprotected sex with strangers for said crack, alcoholics, thieves. They all have people they can talk to.

I've got no one. Have you thought about joining Jenny Craig just to talk to people? That's hence the Curves. Curves, yeah, the workout place. Yeah. Women's a women's gym called Curves. It's the Lane Bryant meets Gold's gym. Some of those girls are big, though.

I don't know if it should be called Curves, maybe like Horizon. They should call Lumps. Lumps or Butes. Beutes. Ever seen a Butte out in the desert? What's a Bute? A butte is like those kind of big like sand. Andy, like, you ever watch the Roadrunner cartoons?

Yes, it's like one of those big pylons of stone in the distance, like a big obelisk of stone. They could call it Jowls. Jowls, yeah. Call it No More Cake. Whale shark? They could call it a blubber fortress. Yeah. Something.

Something other than curse. Whatever they call it, you are scarred with it for the rest of your life. It's the bird and I bear, sir. Maybe you need to just, you know, have at it with an anorex that can break on through to the other side, Morrison. You know what? Riders on that thin bulimic storm. Wow. Okay. If I find someone, I will do that. Well, I don't want to drag this out

because this is obviously emotional for you. It's traumatic. Tell me about number two. Okay. Now, this is something I witnessed or happened? You know what? I really shouldn't say tell me about number two to deuce. That was a mistake. Tell me about the second thing. Okay. And again, is this something

that I had seen? Something you've seen. Okay, nothing that actually happened. No. What happened is a different day, a different podcast. I, um, oh, here's one. I witnessed firsthand. I was in, I don't mean to laugh. I was in traffic and I was, uh, sitting still in like gridlock traffic and I was going

nowhere. The car next to me to my right, uh, had no car behind it. And some woman, I guess, was on her phone, not paying attention. and came screeching up at like 50 miles per hour and blasted the back of the car directly to my right and she bottle-rocketed through the windshield. Whoa. And like smashed up the back of the glass

and then flop down. And I mean with like four feet this way, it was just the explosion of the car hitting that made me turn to my right immediately. And you see just this human cannonball just bucked clean through a minivan windshield. Was she wearing the tight spandex suit in the helmet? She had the evil-caneal outfit in the line and gave everyone the thumbs up as she went through the air.

And then she stood up. She gave the crowd the P-Sy symbol. And then she did a movie trying to keep Timmy off drugs. Oh, my God. That's horrific. Awful. And I mean, she was in this human pretzel, like a live. Wow.

First reaction, turn the radio up. So I can just maybe drown out the sounds of an ending. suffering. Wow. Everybody got out and they went to check on her and it turns out she was in miserable shape. Now, honestly, I noticed when you first started into the story, you giggled a bit and you said, excuse me for laughing. And I want to examine that because, and I want to get to the reality of that, because I had

a story similar where I saw a girl get hit by a car and I don't want to sound like a jack quad, but when it happened, I laughed initially. And then I felt horrible afterwards, but let me get to why I laughed. It's because it's that America's funniest video syndrome. When you see a human body doing something out of context where they go through some kind of bizarre physical maneuver, you laugh because you're so used to seeing humans do what they're supposed to do. But when they trip or fall or fly through the air, you laugh. But it's only when it kind of ends, you really.

oh my god this is horrible the occurrence itself is hysterical as the body flies through the air it's not her you know zipping through the air cartwheeling head over feet yeah that's terrible it's when she you know smacks into the guardrail and her you know head pops like a water balloon that's okay now i feel bad yeah right but no it's it's the that's the class you couldn't have put any better the america's funniest video dad catches the wiffle ball bat to the groin yeah the guy trips down the stairs type thing i mean if i see someone slip and fall out of a chair have their mountain bike whack the curb and they go over

I giggle like a psychopath most people do it stops and then I rush to go check on said person and then the minute that they take off and I know they're okay I call 37 people yeah and I'm like you of course I never say oh you wouldn't believe the most tragic thing

I just saw I'm like it's the first words I'm out I saw the funniest goddamn thing just now and I did the same thing with this poor woman who blasted through a windshield shattered her face broke her arms collarbone powdered talcum powder did she live i don't know i got out of there you took off i wasn't there for the aftermath oh no i had an incident once where i was in a small town in the middle of nowhere and i think there was three stop signs in the town and i'd been driving

you know it's one of those highways where there's nothing not even a gas station for a hundred miles one stoplight in the town right and there wasn't even a stop by there were stop signs and i'd been driving so long without any obstructions that I kind of my mind got into a place where oh there's no need to stop anywhere there's no one around and so I'm going down the main street of this little town and all of a sudden from the other direction some guy in his car is like speeding towards me I have a stop sign he doesn't but because my mind was so used to driving uh you know obstruction free highway hypnosis right I didn't register the stop sign and I I drove right through, and he almost tee-boned me, and he swerved around me.

And I just went right on through. I was with my girlfriend, and we just drove through, like, what the hell? And he pulled over and skidded to a stop, and he was like, oh, my God. Like, you could see him panicking, like, waving a leaflet on his face to get air. And me and my girlfriend, literally, we laughed for about an hour. And it was ridiculous for us to laugh. We literally could have been killed. But just seeing his reaction out of context, it cracked us up.

That's exactly what we get to. What is it about a nigh death experience or nigh severe bodily injury that if avoided or you are not a part of yourself, instant hilarity? I think it's because there's no context. It's like every day we walk around and we expect people to walk indoors, walk out of buildings, get in their car. You're not expecting it. a surprise element, because I can tell you right now, if you and I were in Afghanistan or we're in a war situation and you see a guy get hurt or take a bullet, you would immediately not laugh.

You'd be immediate like, how do I help this guy? In polite, civilized, first world society, where there is no real change day to day, when you see something like that, you immediately, it's almost not even like you're laughing at it, it's like you have this life excitement that, oh, God, the page has turned. Yeah. This is great. Life just took on a whole due dimension now that that. that fat chick just smacked her head on that ceiling fan.

I want Sherbert, Lyme to be specific. The day's great. Live to be specific, huh? I remember another instance of harm that came to someone else that was not me that I laughed at. This is my... All right. Hold on. Can you hold this thought?

I'll stop right now. I want to hear it. We've got to take a little break. And hang on, folks, because Justin has got another story. It's a humdinger. of horrible hilarity, and you're going to be just as guilty as we are of laughing at it when we come back right after this, right here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway, and I'm here with another friendly tip. Are you getting older, aging every day?

You want to have a memory of how you looked when you were in your youthful years? Here's what you do Go out and buy yourself a high-end photocopier Don't spend less than $10,000 or $12,000 What you do, every day Stick your face in the photocopier And take a photocopy of your face Paste the picture up on the empty walls

Around your house and in the garage Soon you'll have a collage of every day of the year of your face you'll be able to remember what you looked like just yesterday or the day before or eight days past that yes you'll never have to wonder how you looked again eternal youth with a $12,000 photocopier just another friendly tip here on the harland highway wow that was uh that was fun during the commercial we did things that we can't say on the podcast. Wow. But what an amazing time. I'm going to throw out a couple of objects and I'll let the listeners put it together. Yeah. Let them put it together. Length the rope. Yeah. Cocoa butter. Way too

many tortilla chips. A massive full-sized picture of Marlon and Damon Wayans and a bag of baby carrots. You do the math listener and come up with the Good Time Johnson that me and Johnny Nuget here for doing. Wow. Yeah. I didn't see the Wayans brother picture. still right at the end there, but what a difference they make. It's hard to see with what we did with those baby carrots and cocoa butter. It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry, Chicago. Okay, let's get back. Before the break, you had another story.

We were talking about how human beings that have misfortunes that have accidents, for some reason it triggers a laugh response in us spectators. and you have another story of hilarious, harmful horror for us. What is it? Of tragic bodily injury that I bore witness to. Fifth grade, Benjamin Stoddard Elementary School, Waldorf, Maryland. No it well, shot it up once. It was a great time when you went by.

He sprayed a 30-0-6. 15 people died that day. That's how I roll. Back with your Christ hands. It was a spelling beat. And there was a kid named this Indian, and by Indian, not as in like Pakistani Indian, I mean like American Indian.

North American Indian. Dominic Crowfoot was my like little fifth grade intellectual rival. And the spelling bee gets down to him and I. Got it. I think we've eliminated, you know, 12 of the other little goobers. Do you remember the word? Do you remember the final word? Inconsequential.

No, I'm serious. What was the final word? No, I want to know. Inconsequential. Oh, okay. That was the word. I thought you were kind of telling me to move on. No, inconsequential.

Oh, no, no, the word was cheddar. Cheddar? Yeah, but inconsequential. No. Wow, you got me. Sorry about that. Inconsequential, okay, I'm going to try it. I don't know if I'll get it.

Use it in a sentence? Yeah, let me use it in a sentence. The result of your actions are inconsequential. So move on, player. Player. But let me try and spell it. I-N-S, no, wait, I-N-C-O-N-S-T-I-U-A-L-A, and I do it really fast at the end so you can't catch it. It's I-N-consequential.

Yeah, that's good. We both got it. I know I did. Okay. So the Indian kid is one of the two people that are left, me and him. Okay. At the very end, my word is inconsequential. I get it. He has to get his.

And if he gets it wrong, he's done, whatever. Anyway, so he goes up to the mic, and it's one of those musician mics. It's not the solid stand. It's the one with a little elbow at the top. Oh, don't let me guess. He walked up to the mountain. He was like, hello Cleveland. Somebody told me Waldorf likes to rock.

And then someone handed him a key tar, and he just ziplined through the place, just tossing sprinklers out of kids. A lot of burns that day, but a lot of smiles as well. Sprinklers or sparklers? Sparkler. We call them sprinklers. Oh, okay. You call them sparklers?

Well, sprinklers where I come from are things used to water your lawn. No, we call those, we call those Agua squatters. That would be weird to be at like a Bon Jovi concert, and he's throwing sprinklers into the crowd. Hey, everyone, hold up your lawn hydration devices. Hold up your sod. I got sprinklers. Okay. Somebody wants to hear a slippery one wet.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He steps up to the mic. Okay. I could still see this. He steps up to the mic, and nobody at any point had yet to take the mic out of the stand. Everybody just walked up, kids' hands on their pockets behind their back.

Yeah, I mean, you're just completely rich. They don't want to touch it. Nobody wants to touch that thing. He decides he's going to walk around, you know, do a little crowdwork riff a little bit. He can't get the mic out of the stand, and he's holding on to the bar, and he's right. I'm going to do, like, look at the position I'm in right here and predict what's going to happen. he's trying to get the mic which is mouth level with him out of the stand

he's pulling with all of his might and he pops it out bashes in his front three teeth it was a total metal mic and caves in all of his teeth across here and immediately the judges from where I am to you it's about a five foot

distance is where they were caves him in freaks spits by cuspid all over the first like three people in the row Like, I mean, there is blood gushing. Oh, and he won. He got a win if you do that.

The crowd went bananas, standing ovation. Inconsequento. Inconsequential. What? Ophumia. Ocumann. And they can't refute it because he might have got it right, but without teeth, how do you? How do you call, how do you call his bluff?

Okay, so what happened? He turned into a deer and galloped off because that's what his people do when they find themselves in danger. This man was an American. No, he didn't. but I wanted that to happen. Yeah. No, he bashes his teeth in. He spits them out because he immediately has a reaction.

Yeah. What has happened? And the woman, I think she was like, Miss Rickenbocker, the third grade social studies teacher, has a white dress now covered in fifth grade tooth, blood, and spittle all over herself. She's, she freaks out. Kids are like, oh, my God, what happened to Dominique? And you look over. and I am, I am giggling like Santa is tickling me with cake.

I'm, I'm giggling like a psychopath. Were you giggling because of the physicality? Are you giggling because I just won this mofow? Both. Yeah, there you go. Because the one, I didn't like them. And the deuce was laughing at two things. The fact that this guy had failed and failed epically and the fact that he's just

spitting fang over everyone. And that was a real, a real moment for me. You know what I learned from this is that spelling bees and hockey are the most dangerous sports where you can lose your teeth? Yeah, whether it be crowfoot or pronger. Yeah. Ovechkin or Schlegel, someone's going to lose a tooth on the ring or in the auditorium. You know what's cool, though? I picture because Indians were like natural-born hunters.

I mean, they were tribal people. They're North American Indian hunted buffalo and antelope. And I almost wonder if just because instinctually he was a gifted, from a culture of gifted hunters, if when he spit those teeth, they like stuck into that lady's head in a pattern like as if, you know, like a death spit, like the spit those teeth into her temple or something.

It hit every last pressure point to completely paralyzer. And then he just went by scalped her, like little blow darts. Yeah, that's what I mean. They're a great group of, you know, shamanistic people where they make homemade medicines and cures. His granddad immediately gallops in an elk form, transforms into the human that we all know he is, quit fron, all right, reaches into his little shaman pouch, pulls out a beaver tooth, wedges it in place, tells him to finish. He gets it right, except for the last letter. Suck it crowfoot, I still win.

All right, here's your collar recovered blanket. I'm going to be on the pinta if you need me. The deuce is on the loose. is on the loose. Good stories. Good stories by our friend Justin Schlegel. Schlegel. Schlegel.

I'm never going to get it right. It's all right. Hank Williams. Well, great stuff. You know, I hate to say it, buddy, but we are... Are you out of time already? We are at the end of the podcast. But, you know...

I think the Harlan Highway was longer than this. Well, you know what we're going to do? Right here right now, because you're the deuce and you do everything in twos. Twice. I'm inviting you. back to do another one. Let's do a second. You want to do one.

Can you come back in like a couple of weeks and we'll do, we'll do part two of the deuce? Let's do part two of the deuce. Let's douce it up. Let's do deuce squared. All right. Well, let me tell the folks here a bit about you. Justin is an amazing comedian. He hails from the Baltimore, Washington, D.C. area.

Soon to be L.A. He's making the big move to give him the stand-up routine in L.A. as Billy Joel once sang, and he is fantastic, and I'm going to give him the floor rate here, because I want you to tell people who are listening to the Harland Highway where they can find out more, where they can see you, where they can go to your MySpace, your Facebook, buy your merchandise. Well, what do you got?

Where can they find you? Very simple. If you go to funnyjustin.com, because Justin Schlegel.com is friggin' impossible for anybody other than an MIT graduate. I can't even say it. No, nobody in my family can pronounce it. So go to funnyjustin.com. If you're on Twitter, go to Twitter, backslash funny Justin.

I'm on Facebook. If you go to the funnyjustin.com website, then the very first page, there's big, easy to look at click links to the Twitter, Facebook, and my kick page. Have you ever done kick, Q-I-K? K-I-K-K-k-ing's hurtful, so I don't do that. I like to scratch, but tell me about your kick page. The kick page is cool. It's a new, it's like video Twitter. Oh, boy.

Now there's another thing I got to join. There's another thing that you have to saddle your stallion up to there, Bobweiser, horsy. It's a, I do, it's regular little video blogs myself. Oh, good. It's like a Twitter where I just basically, I just hold my, my smartphone up. I record a little 30 to a minute, second, minute to 90 second clips. And there's a link to that.

How often are the new clips up there? All over the place. I sometimes do four a day. that I won't go a week. And so I'm always, and it's not just stand up. I do toy collecting. I hang out of playgrounds. I love candy.

Nice, nice. I go rope shopping. All right. Yeah. I love panel vans. Oh, secrets. Love big hands and small tears. Visit my website.

Wow, wow. Nice. I love tight jeans and small eyes, like long hair and thin ears. Wow, that's getting creepy. Long teeth. Really kind of had me and then lost. me but let me get you back with some chocolate covered strawberries and a kneecap rub oh you got me back right at the end i hope uh he gets you back folks i'm sure he will check out uh all his sites all his

his stuff he's hilarious um you're going to be hearing a lot from justin in the uh days months and years to come uh buddy thank you so much thank you so much i can't wait we'll be back in a couple of weeks and we'll go back and visit the second part of the chapter two of the dues who does one day possibly the trilogy for all the unanswered questions wow wow we can only hope we can only pray uh folks uh great having you along here uh with my special guest justin on the harland highway uh look forward to talking to him again soon and until next time as always chicken chow maine baby Thank you.