The Harland Highway - PODCAST 150

Episode Date: August 11, 2010

The BIG question? Pee in the pool and crazy toilet seats, a visit from the local ice cream man. Buttery butter buns!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tall and dark and sweet and handsome and ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yes, it's me from Ipanema, and you are on the Harland Highway, and I know I say this a lot, but what a show we have for you today? Okay, I think you're going to like it. I'm going to be asking some big questions here today. Okay, there's a big question today. I won't tell you what it is, but it has to do with you and me and everyone around you. And surprisingly, it might be a question that hasn't been asked.

It's one of those obvious questions that's been maybe overlooked. Because in my history, I don't know if I've heard the question asked. So I'm asking it today. I won't tell you what it is, like I said, but we'll get to it. We're also going to be talking about other big, important topics like peeing in the pool. Yeah, it's summer and people pee in the pool. Are you one of them? We're also going to be talking about how some men battle with toilet seats.

And then in keeping with the summer tradition, we are going to be talking to an ice cream guy. He's a special guest, the ice cream man will be stopping by, which would be a lot of fun in keeping with the heat and the summer and everything fun, the ice cream guy. So take a big lick. You're right here on the Harlan Highway. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D because you're the only girl that I want to see. I want to be your H-A-L-A-M-G.

We'll guys I've got the sideburns I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in Oh thank you I've got the side burns

I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in Whoa I don't you get you hard now Don't you tell it when you're going

And a hot dog flies into your magic H-A-R-L-H-R-L-A-N-D. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, wherever you may be, whatever you may be, whatever time you might be listening to this. Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, and good night. Thank you. for today. No, I'm just kidding. Hello. I'm going to start the show with a provocative question. Some of you might think it's a stupid question. Some people might find it sensitive. Some people might

find it irrelevant. Some people might find it thought-provoking and stimulating. But I'll let you decide. Here's my question, okay? To what end? Are we procreating? And I'm just talking about the human race here. To what end are we breeding? What is the end game to humans of all races, nationalities, everything, religions? What is the end game for all the human beings? What is the real purpose of us humans pumping out more and more and more of us?

and just so you don't forget we are at the billions we're at billions and billions I think we're at six and a half billion people oh god so I'm asking each and every one of you this question now the the emotional answer is well we have children so we can watch them grow and we can watch them develop and become doctors and lawyers and just to watch them develop and go through the trials of life. Okay, great. That's the immediate game. That's like, you know, what you want to see in your lifetime.

That's accomplishments for the child in their lifetime. But what's the big end game? Because there seems to be no curtailing the amount of humans that keep arriving here on planet Earth. So is the end game that we just keep having them and having them and we kind of start to inhabit the whole planet? Now, if you take away all the kind of human reasons, okay? If you subtract all the reasons why people love to have kids, oh, look at the baby,

and I can't wait to see what my son and daughter turn out to be when they grow up, and my boy is going to be president. I just know it. You know, but you take away all the things that humans build and design and inhabit and create, which are all just things for us, really, right? It's not like wolves or zebras enjoy a nice condo in New York. There's no buffaloes water skiing behind your $300,000 jet boat. you know there's there's no beavers and uh you know iguanas flying first class from here to japan

so i asked the question what what is the end game what are we really doing i don't know if anyone's asked the question i'm sure they have right somebody's had to have asked the question it's like surplus it's like uh it's like uh it's like having a warehouse and filling it up with all your uh your inventory but then suddenly the warehouse is full and you're like hmm we have way too much inventory and what the heck were we planning to do with all this stuff anyhow because think about it when humans uh you know when we look at let's say a mouse cage you know a lot of us had mice or rats when we were kids and they just started having babies and more babies and more babies and mice have babies at about you know a dozen of the

shot you know 15 little baby mice at a time and all of a sudden the mouse tanks getting fuller and fuller and fuller and you're like what the hell are they having so much babies for what the hell are we going to do with all these babies and not to not to lower the human race down to uh you know the level of bacteria but if you ever uh if you ever stand on the shores of a swamp or a pond, which in itself is its own ecosystem. And you look at the algae floating on the water and it just keeps reproducing and reproducing.

And you realize, wait a minute, before long the whole surface of this pond is going to be covered with algae. Stop reproducing. Right? So I don't know the answer. And maybe people get upset by this question, But they shouldn't.

It's just a question. I mean, everything has an end game. But let's take the craziest scenario that there's, okay, now we have six and a half billion people on the planet. Let's say in order to cover the planet every last single inch of land, okay? Let's say there was a human standing on every piece of land. So let's say each human had a square foot or a two square feet. And that was their spot. Then what?

What do we do then? Or what if we've covered the land with concrete and buildings and everybody has their own apartment, their own little two-bedroom apartment, then what? I don't know. Maybe it's a stupid question or maybe, you know, I guess the question came from I was actually standing on the show. shores of a pond and I was looking at all the algae floating around and saw that it was starting to overtake the surface of the pond and you know I saw the species in the water I saw frogs

I saw turtles I saw birds and I was like okay lots of room lots of space and you know I guess those animals just procreate to keep the bloodline alive right to uh to keep the species he's going which obviously we do too but but we've learned to control the amount of us okay well what would you do if I told you there were six and a half billion lions on planet earth okay there's six and a half billion walrus would you start to think maybe there's something tilted something wrong yeah and in 15 years there's going to be 24.5 billion giraffes on planet earth. Well, guess what?

That's what we're going to be. And then we're just going to keep growing and growing and growing. So it's an odd question. What is the end game? Despite all the cell phones and the TVs and the restaurants, all that stuff's just junk we created. What's the end game here? I don't know. If you have any answers, you know what to do.

Write me at harlanwilliams.com or call me on the hotline at harlore williams.com interesting question i thought you might not but uh you know there's a if you don't like the question there's six point five five five five five five nine other billion human beings who might have liked it so there you stand alone I know that wasn't an accurate number there, but, you know, I did the best I could. Get the hell off my two feet of land, okay? Back off. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. Right here on the Harland Highway. Oh, my God, there goes a giraffe. Oh, my God. Bunzai! Hey! You are rolling down the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harland Williams, and summer is here. Let's face it, the warm weather's here, and you have to look yourself in the mirror and ask the big question, do you pee in the pool? come on put your hands up it ain't your pool you don't care huh i'm all wet i don't want to get up and walk

into the house and go tinkle no one's gonna know there's chlorine in the water right nobody cares if i drop a little yellow stuff in here you've heard the old saying we don't swim in your toilets and don't pee in our pool but you don't care do you You're just letting it flow. You had seven, nine, twelve beers by the barbecue. You're just going into the pool to make some Budweiser soup, right? Hey man, look at Jim, man. He must be totally fried.

Look at the big smile on his face. He's staring at nothing, and he's got like that crack-ass grin on his face. Yeah, man, I wonder what he's thinking about. Cut to Jacques Cousteau underwater in the pool. We are underwater. swimming through the chlorine-filled waters of the swimming pool in the Belbia. And we come upon a warm yellow patch of water where nothing can live, nothing can breathe, and nothing can function.

It's as if we are swimming through a big, tall glass of apple juice here in the amazing underwater world of peeing in the pool. Hey, you have a good summer, too, huh? No more peeing in the pool, people. I'm not inviting you to my barbecue. And speaking of toilet-related things and peeing and whatnot, not to drag out the topic here, but guys and women, you might not relate to this,

but guys that are listening, how many times have you run into a toilet seat, okay, that will not stay up okay you check into a hotel or you go to a friend's house or you're at granny's house or something right you got to take a pee and you go running upstairs and like oh god the toilet seat's down right or you're at the motel six so you uh you crank the toilet seat up and first of all you don't really want to touch it you know because it's almost like uh if you could look at it under a microscope, there'd be all this green and purple bacteria. You're like, oh, so most of the time, most guys will probably just, you know, get the old shoe up there and flip it up.

But what I'm getting at here is every now and then you bump into a rogue toilet seat that won't stay up, right? You flip it up, you're like, okay, you unzip, you start to go tinkle and all of a sudden. like an old haunted house door, right? All of a sudden, the toilet sleep slams down. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and you're, like, spraying all over it, right? And so you think, oh, it must just be a fluke, so you crank it back up there again. You start into your business again. What the hell?

Right, and then sometimes you get a toilet seat. It doesn't even give you that little moment. it's like the minute you lift it up it's like and so all of a sudden you're like trying to do your thing suddenly us guys have to turn into like Cirque de Soleil performers

it's like we're like flamingos we got our stuff hanging out you know we're ready to go but because the toilet seat won't cooperate we got like one leg up and we're lifting the toilet seat with one of our legs and we're holding the toilet seat.

We're standing on the other leg, balancing like a flamingo, taking a league, and it never works. It's just, you know, most guys, if they're in an odd position or an uncomfortable position, it won't come out. It's just too unnatural. So you're twisted around like a pretzel, and you're using all these different appendages to try and keep that seat up, and it just never works.

And you can't figure it out. Suddenly the rational side of you, the physics, the physicist inside of you, wants to figure out what's going on. Why is the fulcrum off? Why is the lever not working? Right? And then sometimes you can put the blame on, sometimes if you're at Granny's house, Granny will put like a, you know, some kind of like padding or some kind of shag rug coating

over the back of the toilet seat or something. So when you lift it up, there's just no way it can stay up. so it falls down. But other times you just get a rogue toilet seat and you just can't do it. So there you are, you become a Chinese acrobat and you're trying to pee and it's just a big mess. And it's not easy.

So I'm just telling you people, you homeowners, you motel six owners, you grannies out there, just make sure you do a check that your toilet seats functioning, that it can be lifted up and stay up. up, even though I know you women hate it. That's probably what the answer is. You women probably rig the toilet seats. He's like, well, he never puts the toilet seat down.

Watch this. You know, you twist a few nuts and bolts. Yeah. Lucky that thing doesn't work like a mousetrap, man, because that would be painful. I have a guest here who's a familiar. sight in your neighborhood, in your city, in your town, wherever you may be. We all love it when the ice cream man comes rolling down the street in his truck or on his little bicycle. Today I have

a wonderful summertime guest, Dmitri Olio. Dmitri, what a treat. Great to have you here today. Yes, very good to be her. I like to be here very much. Yeah, well, we love your ice cream. Yes, it's ice cream season Every summer I come riding down your street I sell ice cream I got mint chocolate chip I got the strawberry I got a chocolate fun fun stick

I got a nutty body I got a fudgeicle I got an ice cream sandwich Okay Dimitri You don't have to go through your whole thing I got a nutty buddy I got dream sickle I got fudge sick

Okay and could you turn off the I know that's familiar music, the ice cream truck music. Could you just shut that off there for a second so I can talk? It's kind of loud. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I've got the ice cream sandwich.

I've got the Neapolitan kind. I got the mint chocolate chip. I got swirly. Everybody loves a swirley. I've got noddy body. I got noddy butter. Okay, Dimitri. look we get it we know what you sell tell us what it's like what is it like for you to see the delightful

cheery faces on the kids as they hear you coming no don't don't turn that music on again dmitri yeah can you turn that off the dmitri turn that it sounds like your system's warped or something dmitri turn down the ice cream truck music The big treat! The big treat! Thank you! My goodness, that's very loud and... I got a chocolate fun fun stick. Nuddy buddy.

I got a nutty buddy buddy. Dream circle, fond sequel. I scream sound with mint chocolate chip soirely. I gotta stop it. Okay, just calm down. Oh, don't turn on that music again. Turn that on. What's the matter with you?

We brought you in here to ask about the kids, about summer, turn it off. All right, out of here. But I got fun from out. God. That was unreal. I couldn't even, that guy can't even talk properly. Dimitri Olio. It's going to be an ice cream mess all over the place.

That's the last time I want him. I got the nudge, fudge, stig. Get out. Close the door. Turn that music off. Get him out. God, why do I always get the worst guests ever? I can't just get someone normal.

They're always irritating me. I just can't get someone to come in and sit down and talk and act normal. There's always some kind of hook where they piss me off. Oh, God. God, it's just annoying. I got to work harder. I'm going to get my producer, Roger, here to get some better guests. I do apologize.

God, I thought that would be a nice, simple, fun summertime treat to have that guy in here. Olio, whatever the hell his name was. Olio Dmitri or something. It's like an Indian guy with a Greek name? The hell's booking this crap. oh anyways um have you ever done like an ice cream like pig out right here's what i'm talking about okay it's like you're at home and uh you know you bought a jug of ice cream you know you bought the the bucket of ice cream you bought the chocolate or the vanilla or the mint chocolate chip whatever your

flavor is and um you know you think okay i'll eat a little bit i'll have a little like a scoop maybe a scoop and a half right and you you put it in a bowl and you're like oh man that was good you get down to the end and it's all kind of melted right but it's still freezing cold but you get that couple of little spoonfuls of melted ice cream and it's almost like a really thick like a milkshake like a chocolate milkshake and you're just like and it's all creamy and delicious and you're like maybe I'll just have a little bit more I don't want a whole bowl I just want like a couple of spoonful so what I'll do is instead of you know so I don't tempt myself I won't put some scoops into the bowl I'll just bring the bucket out here to the couch in front of the TV and I'll just have

one maybe two little spoonfuls that way I'm not filling up another bowl right so you're sitting there your fingers are frozen to the bucket because you're holding it right it's like you've got frost forming between your fingertips but you don't care because you know this is going to go fast you're just having one maybe two with the most spoonfuls right and cut to about like nine minutes later and you're scraping the bottom of the ice cream bucket doing the same thing you were doing in the bowl? Oh my god, look at that melted stuff. And next thing you realize you've eaten the whole bucket of ice cream. How many of you have done that, please, and thank you? Don't lie. And those little buckets count too. You know,

you get those mini ones. I don't mean the mini, many, many ones. I mean the ones that are about the size of a good size coffee mug, right? And you think, well, it's you know it's only the size of a coffee mug it's not that bad but you know when you've finished eating you just feel like ass man even though it's just a little thing of ice cream you you feel like you've literally like pulled down a zebra on the serengetti planes and ate the thing from face to butt you just ate the whole thing nothing makes you feel more full than a bucket of ice cream man so there you go just since we had uh you know gie dmitri or oleo dmitri or whatever dmitri olio or whatever his name was in here with his nutty buddy and his fudge fudge sticks

and his swirly whirlies god i'm just saying be be careful with the ice cream don't overdo it um and whatever you do don't uh run out into the street and get hit by Dimitri Olio. I got a nutty buddy. I got dream sick or I got fun sick. Hey, tag, you're at talking about phone tag. Probably the most annoying game ever invented. You ever have one of those days or weeks or months

where you just keep missing that other person? They phone you, you're not there. You phone them, they're not there. They finally get through to you. You're like standing. on the edge of a cliff mountain climbing and you're like oh my god i've been mean to talk to you can i phone you right back you caught me at a bad time i know we've been playing phone tag but i'll call you as soon as then you call them back and then they're out on a yacht somewhere and just goes

on and on and oh it's brutal it's a game that ever ends can't win it solution just go to the person's house call them on your cell phone go right to their house and when they answer the door dial your phone watch them pick up standing in their doorway the light over the door the moths flying around hey uh karen it's me uh harland are you there uh yeah i am here okay you're not doing anything are you because i can see you're right in front of me no i guess i'm free i mean i was going to go watch uh sex in the city but no no no no don't go

anywhere. Uh, we've been playing phone tag for how long? I don't know, about seven months. Okay, I got you here. You're right in front of me. You're not going anywhere. You can see me. I can see you.

Let's just talk. Okay, but I only got a few minutes. Okay, good. Now, what was it we were going to talk about? I'm not sure. It's been seven months, so I forget. Wait a minute. You don't remember what we were talking about?

No, I can't remember. Yeah, me neither. Okay, I'm going to go watch Sex in the City now. Yeah, okay, nice talking to you. We'll see you later. Okay, bye. Jeez. Thanks, technology.

And speaking of technology, my friends, let me use this technology, this podcast technology, from outer space, to let you know about my next comedy gig, my live stand-up a comedy show I will be appearing in Fort Lauderdale, Florida August 26 through the 29th

at the Hollywood improv. It's right there at the hard rock casino. It's a great club, lots to do. You come see a show, then you go gambling,

you go to some of the nightclubs. There's many restaurants there. It's a very, very good time and to put the cherry on the ice cream sunday you got me there doing stand-up at the improv so go to harlem williams.com for ticket information or go to the improv.com that's august 26 through the 29th live fort lauderdale the hollywood improv at the hard rock casino The same casino where Anna Nicole passed away. Now, why I threw that in there?

I don't know. Maybe, you know, just to lure you in with a celebrity death. That makes no sense. Now I'm recommending you don't come and see me. No, no, I'm not. I'm not. I hope I see you there. And if not, no worries.

We'll catch up sometime soon. Because no matter what, No matter where, there's always another episode of the Harland Highway right around the corner. And until then, my friends, chicken chow mane, baby. I got the nutty, buddy. I got fudge, fudge. Get out. Close the door. Turn that music off. Get him out.