The Harland Highway - PODCAST 152

Episode Date: August 16, 2010

Too many survivor shows, air bags and seat belts, Harley Davidson noise and other motorcycle things. Cabbage wabbage! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hot child in the city. Bum, bum, bono, running wild and looking pretty. Yes, you are looking pretty because you are in the most beautiful place in the world. You're right here on the Harland Highway. It doesn't get any prettier than that. Welcome, everybody. So glad you're along for the ride today because what a show, what a show, what a show. We're going to be talking today about those, the nature shows you see on TV, the survival nature shows.

Are you ready? Are you ready to survive? Do we even need these shows to survive? We're going to find out. And speaking of survival, we're going to be talking about airbags and seat belts, crucial to your survival when you're not lost in the woods. You definitely need those to help prolong your life So you can listen to more and more of the Harland Highway We're going to be talking about Harley Davidson's

And the damn noise they make As well as, you know, other interesting motorcycle-related things Somehow death ties into the whole conversation And I'm not talking about the accident But we don't want you to die just yet you got to stay alive because right now it's time for the harland highway i want to be your h a r l a and d because you're the only girl that i want to see i want to be your h a r l a and g williams i've got the sideburns i've got the chin

Come on, baby Pretty baby Let me in Oh, thank you I've got the sideburns I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby

Let me in Whoa Don't just hate it when you're gone And our hot dog flies It's in the magic Oh Yeah Because I would be

The H-A-R-L-L-E-T-R-L Welcome to the Harland Highway. Okay, is it just me or are there one too many survivor? Okay, have you people been watching TV? There are all these like shows about people, you know, Getting lost in the wilderness. There's like this Bear Grills guy. Like that's his real name.

Bear Grills. What kind of name is that? Bear Grills. Who were like the other people in his family? Like Mountain Lion Molly and David, David, you know, David Polar Bear Smith and, you know, Bear Grills. You're kidding. me the heck's that all about man that's crazy that's crazy talk but anyways these shows you got

like survivor man uh you got these there's another one called uh dual survivors it's two guys uh one guy's like a redneck and the other guy's like a hippie and they're wandering through the woods eating cactus and stuff and then there's another one where it's a husband and wife team that are now out there in africa you know. And I'm like, wait a minute, man. How many of you listening have ever found yourself lost in the wilderness? Okay, in this day and age, what are the odds?

The odds are probably one in 23 billion that any of you get lost in a remote wilderness where you have to eat birch bark and drink your own urine and, you know, punch a bear in the face to stay alive. I mean, what the hell, man? These shows are everywhere. I'm like, you know, are you kidding me? People are scared to walk through a park, let alone go out into the forest.

And kids nowadays, they probably watch the show and go, what the hell is that? Where are those guys? Is this the new Lord of the Rings episode? What are those tall brown things that tower into the sky with the green leafy tops? Oh, those are trees, Billy. What's a tree, daddy?

Never mind, go back to your video games. Okay, Daddy, if you're my real daddy, shut up. Don't tell me to shut up or I'll zap you. Sorry. You know, most kids don't even know what the outdoors are anymore. You know, they don't have a clue. So the very notion that there's these shows that are kind of telling you how to survive in the jungle

and in the Antarctic, and in the rainforest, and in the desert. Like, the only time people do that stuff is when they're on like a Greyhound bus tour with Sunsplash Horizons desert walk. Most people just don't wander off by themselves. And, okay, it happens. But they're running these shows as if we're still, like, a nomadic tribal people were hunters and gatherers. And it's like, you know, when you're walking home from Merrill Lynch at the end of the day

and you accidentally go down the wrong street and end up in a subtropic desert full of venomous spiders and snakes and the only thing you can eat is twigs and locusts. We got you covered, pal. It's kind of weird. And then what's crazier, here's the part I don't get. You know, they show you all these survival techniques. They show you that light of fire.

They show you how to build a shelter. They show you how to purify your water, which is good stuff to know if you ever get lost in the wilderness. And again, 99.999% of you will never. But one of the things I don't get about the show is they show these guys. like smashing the crap out of the critters in the forest and eating them. Okay, I've seen a show where people beat the shit out of a snake.

I saw a show where the guy ran up and hit a porcupine in the head with a branch and killed it and skinned it. I've seen a guy, you know, make a bow and arrow out of twigs and shoot a wild turkey. I've seen him cut the head off a rattlesnake. and eat that. I mean, you know, sure it's showing survival, but again, let me get back to the point. 99.999% of you will never be lost in the wilderness.

None of you that I know are listening right now will probably ever have the need to smack a porcupine in the head with a tree branch, skin it, and eat it. Okay, I don't think that's going to happen in your lifetime. so for the sake of these shows can't they just like see the porcupine and go now if this was a real situation that porcupine would be a perfect target for prey food what we would do is we'd sneak up behind it get right up behind it smack it in the back of the skull with a branch and then we would basically gut it and clean it and then you would smoke the meat you would cook it over a campfire Okay, not hard to figure out. But the fact that these guys doing these shows have to beat the crap out of these critters in the forest,

like as if it's real, you know, like half these guys are like overweight to begin with. So, you know, I don't think they're hurting too bad. And second of all, humans are smart. We get it. If you kind of walk us through the scenario, we get it. we get it. Like if you're on the shores of a river

and the guy goes, okay, here's my hook. I caught a little grasshopper. I put the grasshopper on the hook and what I do is I fling it out in the water and I jig it along. I give it little jerks and it entices the fish and I pull in the fish. I get it. You don't even have to catch a fish.

I got it. So the very fact that these shows are running up on little animals and like bashing them in the head. and skinning them alive. I mean, come on, man. So there you go. I don't know what's going on.

Maybe these channels know something we don't. Maybe the end of the world's coming. Maybe there's an apocalypse on the way. You know, who knows? I guess we should all be watching in case that happens. But until that time, I think I'll just get in my air-conditioned car. drive over to the mall,

go to the food court and get some Kentucky fried chicken. And if they don't serve me fast enough, maybe I'll bash my chicken over the head with a stick. Hey, everybody, you are on the Harland Highway. We're happy to have you here. What a treat. Enjoy your ride with me, Harland Williams, here today. and I don't like to delve into my personal life too much, you know, especially in the bedroom.

But every now and then an anomaly happens. Something so unusual, so strange, so different that you feel like you've got to reach out and connect with people to see if they've shared an experience similar to yours. So I don't know if I'm embarrassed by this. I don't know if I'm excited by this. I don't know if I'm terrified by this or just confused by it. this happened to me the other night i'm making love to the girlfriend you ever make love to your girlfriend so fast and so hard that an airbag pops out of her face i mean i didn't know what to

think i thought she was opening her mouth to moan and boom a full-blown airbag blew up in my face like it's like i got in a front end collision in my uh toyota corolla man bam hit me right in the face white powder everywhere scared the hell out of me i definitely uh lost my you know what i was worse than a someone throwing a bucket of cold water on me i'll tell you that didn't get to finish so i don't know maybe i should have been so fired up maybe i shouldn't go so fast slow down maybe is the message here i don't know and then you got to stuff the airbag get it back in there and start all over again and hope you don't trigger it a second time so many safety features on everything these days it's maddening palo you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway

okay and speaking of kind of naughty automobile related topics And I don't want to come off as a purve here, okay? But this is maybe something more for you boys out there that drive trucks. And I guess even if you're in a car, it's applicable. It's a little harder to see. But, uh, hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Guys, you ever notice this when you're driving along, and let's say you're up in your pickup truck, and when you're in your pickup truck, you've got a little more of a vantage point when you're looking over or into someone else's car when they pull up to you at a light or whatnot. And like I said, maybe even in a regular car, all you've got to do is look over, and you can see this, and, you know, seatbelts can be very annoying and frustrating and cumbersome and aggravating. But here's a little bit of a weird kind of, again, I don't want to sound creepy, but it's something I noticed, so I'm going to relay it to you. It's a little maybe erotic, a little sexual maybe, but it's just a fact, folks.

Here it is, when a woman puts a seatbelt on, okay? A lot of times the seatbelt comes across her chest and goes right between her cleavage. Okay? And more often than not, if you have a woman with hefty Honolulu's, you know, a woman who's well-endowed, who has thunder jugs, There's no plight way to put this. He's just got big monster-sized hooters or even ample-sized hooters.

That seatbelt, as it gets tighter, you know how when you move around in your car, the seatbelt automatically tightens? It's not like you can keep it loose. So that shoulder strap part of the seatbelt, it tightens, and it inevitably kind of creates this division between a woman's boobs and it kind of is like this big black strap kind of separating them

but at the same time like pushing in tightly on the skin so it gives the optical illusion or the appearance that the boobs are really sticking out and it's almost in a way like a mini bond type of thing. It looks like, you know, somebody's put some straps around her breasts or something, and I'm not a bondage guy,

but maybe when it comes to seatbelts, it's starting to make me go around the corner. I don't know. But there's something a little kind of sexy about it, man. I know that's probably weird, but it's just something, you know, it's not what I went, I didn't go looking for this. I'm just like sitting there at a light,

you know, eating my slim jim. You know, wait for the damn light to turn green, I'm bored. I look over, I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait, what, what the hell? Here's this, like, black strap running down the middle of a white t-shirt, and it's kind of separating and pressing in or causing the breast to pop out more. It's like, who the hell's that beside me, Barbarella? you know so I don't know whether to say thank you

to the auto maker the auto industry and the automakers or if I should be saying knock it off it's it's it's just another thing that kind of drives the men crazy and we should be focusing when we're driving but nonetheless

the seatbelt or the breast separator as I now call it um is definitely getting a reaction out of us man so uh you know ladies for god's sakes for safety reasons please please and this is just for your safety please whenever you drive especially in the summer when you're wearing a flimsy t-shirt again for your safety buckle up just buckle up real tight and make sure you don't have tinted windows so we can look in and make sure you're buckled up real tight. Oh, God.

All right, it just got creepy, but there you go. That's my observation. Thank God. Seat belts only run along our laps and not through our legs. because if they did, men, wow, we would get the same separation result, and that would be a long, painful drive to Columbus, Ohio. Honk! There's one sound that fills the air that drives me nuts.

mosquito buzzings. I'm not talking about kids yelling and screaming in the park. I'm not talking about babies crying as they're walking down the street. I'm talking about motor cycles that are way too loud. I love motorcycles. I ride one, but you ever get around one of those ones where the whole planet starts to shake? Yeah, planet Earth is vibrating on its axis. Listen, if you listen hard enough right now, you can probably hear one.

Yeah, my brain's rattled. I had a big, fat Harley go by not too long ago, and it shook. I could feel my brain shaking in my skull. You ever have that? You're driving down the highway, and you're like, too, t-de-de-de-d-de. You've even got your stereo on loud, and all of a sudden something overrides all other sound, The hum of your engine, your CD that's at level 12. And you feel your car shaking, and you're like, oh, my God, it's closing counters of the third kind.

We're being invaded by aliens. Oh, it's just a couple of guys on their Harleys. They go roaring past. Your radial tires shake off your car. You're riding on your rims. These guys just go well and pass. They need you to know they're coming, man. They went to all the trouble to put on a cool jacket

and put their gray hair in a ponytail and put their riding boots on. It's like, I'm not going to get all cool and not have people notice me, man. I better make some noise. I want everyone to turn their head and look at me. I'm a biker. I'm a big, mean, old biker,

and during the week, I work at the bank. Can I get you some more deposit slip, sir? Yeah, what kind of currency would you like? Because I'm a big-ass, mean old biker. Nice try. Oh, well, noise pollution, baby. Kind of what I'm doing right now, right? Just talking.

At least I'm not talking loud like a Harley. Now, here's another strange motorcycle phenomenon. that I have observed, that I have started to pay attention to. I don't know if you get this in your state or your country or your world. But where I live in Sunny Cali, Sunny California, there's these group of motorcycle guys, and it's not a gang motorcycle. It's like everyday motorcycle riders, okay?

black, white, Asian, whatever, just regular folks with motorcycles. And I guess there's these things that have been hanging around for a couple of years where it's kind of like a bandana, but instead of putting it on your forehead around the top of your skull, you put it in front of your mouth.

So it kind of like covers your nose and comes down over your chin. and so basically you're covering your mouth, you're protecting the lower part of your face below your eyes. And, you know, normally you'd have like goggles on your eyes or whatever. And these things only work, obviously, with the shell head helmets. You know, they're not the full, full-fledged helmets that cover your whole head and face. It's just those helmets that kind of sit on the top of your skull,

and then you have a chin strap, right? But then the effect of this bandana that comes down over the rest of your face, what happens is they paint or silk screen a skull, the lower part of a skull, onto the black bandana thing that's covering your face. So basically, it's like you'll be driving down the road. You'll look in your rearview mirror, and here comes some big dude on a motorcycle, and you're like, okay, no problem. And as they get closer, you kind of look in your rearview mirror,

and it looks like death is driving up on you. All you can see is this shiny helmet, these goggles reflective glass in them, and the rest of it is like a skull face. It's like the teeth and the jawbone and the nose and the cheekbones, and it's scary as hell. So I don't know if you've seen any of these, but they're uh they're they're kind of intimidating they're kind of scary and i'm wondering like

what the effect is that the motorcycle rider's going after i mean are they trying to scare the bejes out of the out of people are they are they you know do they think it's Halloween are they out trick or treating on their motorcycle do they think their death maybe they are death maybe maybe it's death that's how death gets around everyone pictures death in a big long black robe with a scythe in his hand but guess what it's the 90s i know it's really you know beyond the 90s but i just like saying that it's it's the 90s and death has upgraded from the old raggedy uh cape that he probably found at the Salvation army and the old rusty scy and now he's got like a brand new

2014 Harley Davidson pimped to the max and he's wearing a shiny brand new helmet and he's coming to get you man come with me my child change lanes hit that nail and pop your tire and fly into the oncoming traffic

I will be there to take you away I am death on a Harley Wow, that should be the name of my new rock metal band. Death on a Harley, huh? Somebody better steal that name pretty fast. Death on a Harley. Hello! So I don't know.

I guess in a way it's kind of cool. But I just wonder what kind of statement are you trying to make with that whole look, you know, driving around, and you look like something out of a horror movie, right? And it's a little unsettling when you see it. You don't kind of know what to make of it. You're like, what kind of person is that? Is that an angry person?

Is that a scary person? Is it a serial killer? Is it just some loser from Melrose Boulevard trying to look trendy? You know, all these thoughts go through your head. But nonetheless, it might be, uh, that might be something fun to wear at your wedding, you know? You're, uh, you're, uh, you're taking your nuptials, taking your vows, and you got the black skull bandana around your face? I do. Do you take this woman to be your wife?

Oh, yes. I do. And I take you as well, father. Now I don't know what I'm talking about. This topic clearly is dead. Yes, it is. Get out of here. But you said it was dead.

It's a figure of speech. It doesn't mean I don't want you. Give me your soul. Get out. Okay. I'm going to go for a ride on my motorcycle. No, I don't want to go for a ride. Get out of here.

We can go to the drive-thru together. Get out of here, Death. Up yours. Okay. You know, if you're really that mad at me, why don't you just come take my life? Okay, I will. No, I'm just kidding.

Can we stick with up yours? Yeah, I'll take it up yours. Okay, up yours. Okay, thanks, death. I'll see you later. Wow, that got ugly, didn't it? Woo! Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what is not going to get ugly, okay? What's not going to get ugly is when I'm in Florida next week. Okay, so August 26 to the 29th, you can catch me, yours truly, doing stand-up comedy live at the Hard Rock Casino. in Hollywood, Florida, not Hollywood, California, Hollywood, Florida. It's the same casino where Anna Nicole Smith passed away. Yes, I know. Oh, so you're responsible. Yes, I'm death.

Get out of here. Up yours. And I'll be staying at the Hard Rock Casino. Good, I'll find you. Get out of here. Up yours. But there's a great improv there. you can go to harlough williams.com or the improv.com to get tickets and showtime information.

The dates again, August 26th through the 29th, Florida, the Hollywood Hard Rock Casino, do a little gambling, have a little nightlife, come see me do stand-up, it's going to be great. And then, of course, for those of you on the West Coast, the following weekend, check this out, Saturday, September 4th, I will be in San Francisco at the Erbs Theater. It's going to be great. Fantastic, beautiful old theater doing not only stand-up but some sketch-style improv, whose line is it anyways type of stuff. If you can't make it, please alert your friends on the West Coast.

We love to entertain you. It's going to be a blast. You don't want to miss it. Okay, I'll be there. Get out of here. Up yours. Okay, well, obviously we're out of time. Oh, I like that.

That's my favorite thing to say. You're out of time. Would you knock it off, death? Up yours. Oh, all right. We are... The show's coming. How do I say this?

To an end? No, until next time. Oh, up yours. Until next time, I hope you had a great time here on the Harland Highway. Watch out for motorcycles with skull faces. Be safe. Put your seatbelt on. Yeah, you ladies put your seatbelts on.

And we will see you next time right here on the Harland Highway. And until that time, can I say it? Do you really want to say it? Yes. All right, until next time. Chicken chow main, baby. And up yours.