The Harland Highway - PODCAST 153

Episode Date: August 18, 2010

SPECIAL GUEST comedian Greg Fitzsimmons, facial expressions, Senior Fuentes, ceiling stains. Pass the pine nuts on the left hand side! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think I'm turning Japanese. I think I turn in Japanese. I really think so. Bing, bong, bong, bong. How the hell do you turn Japanese? And how do you think you're turning Japanese? I don't know. That song is stupid. But this podcast is not. This podcast is very, very smart. There's so many things packed in here that are going to help you be a smarter person. I'm going to help you with some of your language, your enunciations, your vocabulary. That's going to take place. Some speaking classes.

We're going to be talking about when you speak, have you lost the art of making facial expressions? A lot of people just seem so bland and cardboard and cut out these days. What happened to all the wonderful facial expressions were capable of? We're going to be talking about a weird mystery, the stains on your ceiling, in your house. I'm going to be trying to figure out what that's all about. A hilarious comedian guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons is here,

a guy that I really admire and think is hilarious, and has his own podcast, the Fitz Dog podcast. And then just that's it. I don't know what else is going to happen on this show. It's going to be a treat. All I can say, ladies and gentlemen, is what I say all the time. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn

On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Romp Spin and I'm your friend Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Hello, hello, hello, and what a show I have for you today. I want to get started with a really big topic.

Oh, no. No, no, no. No. What are you? Roger, what is he doing here? Oh, come on. What are you doing here? Hello, signor, I'm Signor Fuentes.

Yeah, I know who you are. Thank you very much. You're my gardener. And shouldn't you be back at home working in the garden? Well, senor, I came in today to give you a special treat. A special treat. Look, I'm in the middle of a podcast here. Can you not see?

Yes, signor, I see. But I thought maybe you could take a little break and enjoy a special treat from Senor Fuente. All right. Stop saying your name. Fuente. All right. Wow, you seem worked up, senor.

It sounds like you could use a special treat. What do you mean a special treat? Well, you seem a little fired up and tense, signor. Well, yeah, that's because you just barged in here with one of your friends into my studio. I'm in the middle of a podcast. You're supposed to be at home like cutting grass or something. Wow, you really are fired up, signor. I'm not fired up.

Well, what do you call that? I'm just... I'm just... What is your special treat and get out of here? I brought you some of my music. What do you mean your music? My Mexican music, Signor. Your Mexican music.

See, I play the accordion, senor. You play the accordion. See, senor. Okay, I don't have time for this. Why not, signor? Look, let me slow this down for you, okay, Senor Fuentes. That's Fuente. All right.

Wow, you're really fired up. Stop saying that. I am in the middle of what I do here, how I pay my bills, how I in turn pay you as I put out this podcast. That's how I make my money. That's how I pay you. Okay. Okay, so I don't have time to stop in the middle of a podcast

and listen to your special treat music. So you don't want to hear my Mexican accordion, Signor? No, I really don't. Wow, that's racist. Excuse me? I'm not sure, Signor, but that could be taken as racist maybe, perhaps. Who knows? Wait a minute.

You're not going to sit here and play the R card, are you? I don't know, senor. I mean, I do like to play cards. Are you telling me... I think you know. where this is going, Signor. Wait a minute. If you don't...

If I don't let you play your Mexican accordion, you're going to cry racist on me? I don't know. It's a funny world, Signor. Anything could happen. Wow. I can't believe it. I know. It's so hard to believe in this day and age that a podcaster could be a racist.

Wait a minute. Hold it. What, senor? All right. Get your... accordion out let me hear your mexican accordion oh seor you had a change of heart yeah boy oh boy imagine that isn't that nice to see a racist like your say hey stop it what seor don't use the r word you mean racist stop it just play your accordion and let's get get it over with okay senor here we go Stop.

Oh, senor, I was just getting started. Yeah, I heard it. It was great. Thank you. Well, I only played a little bit, Signor. Yeah, that's... I told you I'd listen to it. I've got work to do.

Wow, you are so racist today. Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't. You're not pulling the R. Okay, look. Okay, stop it. Listen to the rhythm, senor. Okay, I'm listening to the rhythm.

Rhythm starts with an R, just like racist, signor. Stop it. Stop. Shut it off. Stop play. Shut it off now. Stop it. Wow, you are really yelling and fired up with your racist epitaphs.

Oh, so now you know big words like epitap. Well, it goes hand in hand with racist, signor. Stop it. You know what? Get out of here. Maybe I'll go to the ACLU. What hell is that? You know, it goes.

the rights of the people the minorities and what and so what not forth are you talking about the ACLU that's what I said senor get out of here that's racist telling me to get out racing out stop it shut it off stop it up stop it wow Okay, senor, settle down. I really get your racist message loud and clear. Yeah, you call it whatever you want. You want to cry racist, go for it. I just don't like that music, okay?

Now, get out of here. Are you sure I can't play something else before I go, senor? No, you can't play something else. How about my harp? I brought my harp in some, how about some wonderful Lord of the Rings music? Get out! Get out of here! Get out!

What a treat I have today. I got one of the funniest stand-up comedians in the old US of A. Greg Fitzsimmons is here, and Greg, welcome to the Harlan Highway, my friend. I feel a little bit like I'm in the breakdown lane of the Harlan Highway right now, and I need you to, you know, hook up, hook up that toe and pull me right on to the highway. Have you got your flashers on? Got my flashers on, and... Have you got a flare?

I have, people say I have a certain flair, but when I'm on stage, but not off stage. What about a miniskirt? Because I'll always pull over for that. Well, if you're going to hitchhike ladies, and I know some of the ladies are out there, say you want to go up to Boulder for the weekend, maybe this is a Pachulet Festival, maybe a surviving member of the dead is doing a coffee house show. Put your thumb out, and wear a miniskirt. You'll be there in about an hour and 25 minutes. So you've done this, I see. Well, you know, it's always a little bit of a surprise when you get in at first.

and they see the Adams Apple and all that. But you know what, if you just start a good crisp conversation right out of the bat, they don't really care one way or the other, they're not alone. Wait a minute. Now, I don't think you should be the guy advising women to get out there on Hitchieck. You have a daughter of your own, don't you, a young daughter? She's four. Well, she's almost four, actually.

And I know that you've yet to produce any loin fruit yourself, but it's pretty frightening. And the creepy thing is my daughter for about the last. I don't know, two months has been telling me every day that we're going to get married. What? Yeah, which is sweet at first. I mean, it breaks your heart when your daughter says that to you because it's, you know, she loves you. And then after about a month or two, it starts to get a little creepy. Wait a minute.

You guys out in Utah or something? She's in love with you? Well, she just, she doesn't get the whole marriage thing. And she just knows that, like, you know, she loves me and she doesn't understand that it's wrong on a lot of levels. I mean, she's obviously too young, and, you know, and I don't fight it because I think it's kind of sweet. So I think I made the mistake of, like, playing with her that, okay, we'll get married, you know. And now she's kind of, like, got it in her head that we're really going to do that. And because, yeah.

You don't bring her, like, chocolates and flowers and stuff, do you? Well, she's my daughter. I mean, stuffed animals and chocolates, not flowers, but. Is your wife getting jealous? I mean, I said, that's what I said. I said, what about mommy? and she said, well, mommy can marry Owen, who's my six-year-old son. And I said, well, I don't know if they see each other that.

I don't know if they're, and I'm suddenly like rationalizing and trying to make the plan work. And I said, no, that's not, they don't want to get married. You and I can't get married. And then she said, but I have a baby in my tummy. And if we get married, then the doctor can take it out, she said. Can I, two words, family therapy, buddy. Well, yeah, I mean, so there has been an intervention. Someone has to explain to her that she's too young to have a baby.

I mean, she can't keep it. This is madness. I'm like this close to calling someone. I might even call the Humane Society. She's not a dog. I don't know what to do. I've never heard anything like this. Have you proposed or anything?

No, I don't, I'm proposing solutions. I want to get out of it. You know, I don't want to marry her. People would think it was right. wrong. I mean, I love her, but it's just, I think we have different, different feelings about our relationship. You're not leading her on in any way, are you? Well, you know, I give her baths, but that's not, oh boy. That's what you do. You give them baths and you provide for them. I mean, it really, I guess, isn't that different than a marriage. I make the money and I sit through her

tantrums. Oh, boy. Yeah, it's awkward. I don't know what to say to you, man. I mean, Well, how could you? You've never had children. I mean, it's until you're in it. It's impossible. I mean, you find your way each day. Yeah, I've never had fruit from my loins. Is that how you put it? Yeah, there's no, there's no loin fruit. What if I wear fruit of the loam underwear? That's close to my loins. Is that where that comes from? It's Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

And what a funny guy he is, man. Greg, Greg is a great stand-up comedian. Check, check. out his action on the internet. He has his own podcast called Fitzdog. And just a funny guy, man. We'll have more with Greg later in the show. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But in the meantime, how about this? Hello, everybody. You're with Harlan Williams here. You're host an MC on the Harland Highway. Hello.

And we're motoring along. And I want to clear up a little mystery here. You know, like the pyramids or the Stonehenge or the Loch Ness Monster, or Rosie O'Donnell's career Look up If you're standing in your house In the bathroom, the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room Look up at your ceiling

And tell me if you see A stain Okay I think every house has some kind of stain On the ceiling And I don't know how they get there I don't eat on my ceiling I don't walk around on my ceiling

I mean Lionel Richie does So he's probably got footprints all over his ceiling. But I think he dances on his ceiling from what I've heard. But I don't think you or I do anything in particular on our ceiling. But have you noticed every now and then a mystery stain shows up? Like maybe a spider had diarrhea or on the other side of the ceiling up in the attic, a rat laid down and died and his blood started seeping through the ceiling. It's like an attic murder mystery.

I just don't know where these little stains come. Maybe it's mold. Maybe mold starts growing in a particular spot. Maybe you sneezed violently at one point in time and didn't realize it and a little flesh-leng-y flew up onto the ceiling. I'm just stuck there. I don't know. I've got a few mystery stains.

in my house on the ceiling. I don't know what to do. I can't figure them out. Maybe you people can. I better go call Lionel Richie. He's some kind of ceiling expert. I'll get him to walk around upside down. See if he can find some clues.

Whoa, what a feeling. I'm dancing on the ceiling. Yeah! Hello! Okay, so the Harland Highway, has been, you know, reaching out on the podcast airwaves here for a little bit now. And what's interesting is, is I kind of criss-crossed the country doing stand-up dates and tours and concerts and whatnot. I'm starting to bump into people that are listeners of the show.

And it's really cool because, you know, you just don't know what the reach is for this type of thing. And it's so fun to be on the other side of the show. the country in Florida or Ohio or New York and people like, hey, man, the Harland Highway or, you know, they reference one of the characters or something. And I promise this guy'd give him a shout out because it made me laugh. I was in L.A. here down in Hollywood. They get this great burger joint called the In-N-Out Burger.

And if you ever come to Cali, Fornay, you've got to try In-N-Out Burger. It is delicious. And I'm going through the drive-thru. I'm picking up my stuff, and the guy's handing me my grub, getting my eat on. And as he's handed me my burgy, he goes, hey, Harlem Williams, right? And I go, yeah, man, how you doing? He goes, hey, I listen to the Harland Highway. I just started laughing.

I was like, how cool is that? And I said, I'll have to mention this on one of the podcasts. and suddenly he went from being a guy just handed me a burger to suddenly he became, well, I'm going to be part of the show. So all of a sudden he kind of went into a little character and he kind of made a face and struck a pose and raised an eyebrow. He kind of looked like Jim Carrey from the mask or something, you know.

And he just pointed to his name tag and he goes, the name is Sean. And just the way he did a crackman. up. So I appreciate that, Sean. And as promised, here I am mentioning you on the Harland Highway. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being part of it. And most of all, man, thanks for that delicious double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. So there you go. Thanks for listening, everyone. Every now and then, I feel I should check in with you folks and just remind you how much I appreciate it and remind you how much fun I have putting this thing out

for you folks. And I hope it's having an impact, putting a smile on your face. And speaking of smile on your face, let's get back to my very funny friend. Greg Fitzsimmons from his home in Hollywood, California. We're halfway through the year. I always like to find out of people have stuck to their resolutions. How are you doing, buddy? Yeah, even if you can make it this far, it's, I think, a pretty good accomplishment, and I've made it on a lot of them.

The first one I decided this year, and I felt really strong about this one, is to just stop giving people Starbucks gift cards that have no value on them, because I just picked them up off the display counter. You know, because it feels good at the time, but it's just awkward when you see them again, and they're not sure if you're unaware

that there was no value on the card and you're kind of laughing and it's just that's evil yeah but i haven't done it i haven't done it one wow so you used to do that and now you've stopped yeah it's sometimes that's good yeah sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just not do and i think buda said that what are some other ones uh well i've decided to try to stop i'm never gonna i'm never gonna i'm never gonna like people more because they need to change but i'm gonna try to hate people less quickly. I have to thank you because you gave me some of the best marriage advice I've ever gotten, and I've given you credit for this many times. What was it? You said, make a plan with your wife

on a night where she thinks you have a show when you really don't have a show. Then cancel the show that you never had in order to go out with her, and she feels like you've given up something for her. There you go, buddy. And you've given up nothing and gained everything. It's all smoke and mirrors. And I think with that kind of honesty, how do you go wrong, really? Well, there you go. Advice for the Lovelorn from our main man, Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg, you're the best, man. You're the best. I'm really happy you got this show. Oh, thanks. What a nice guy, man. Funny guy. We'll have to have Greg back on in the future. Maybe we'll get them live in here in the studio.

I know the phone line gave us kind of a wonky echo there, but you know, hey, it's better to have someone than not have someone, right? Boys and girls. How come nobody does that anymore? You know, remember there was a time probably like in the 40s and the 50s, maybe even the 60s, when if something was like kind of goofy or wonky,

Like if somebody said something You know, that didn't make sense It was kind of weird People would follow it up with like a Yeah Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, whew, whew, yeah Hey, Tim, there's a stray dog on your driveway. Right, nowadays it's like, what, there's a stray dog

On my driveway, man, I'm going to call someone, man we call 911 Let's go in the house, sit in the air, air conditioning. You know, it's just boring now. You know, you're driving down the road. It's like, oh, my God, there's a car coming at us. Boy, right?

Now it's like, oh, my God, there's a car coming at us. Don't worry, I got front disc lock brakes and dual side airbags. Pach! I don't know. It's just more fun, right? you see someone you don't want to see out around town or at the movie theater out of a restaurant Hey Jim it's Donnie from work

I haven't seen you in a couple of days Yeah Boyer Right now it's like Hey Jim it's Donnie from work I haven't seen you for a couple of days Oh yeah cool man here let me let me get to do i have your email address man let me get that let's set up a lunch or something's

really good to see you uh well who are you again donnie from work i i've been sitting beside you for fourteen years oh cool okay okay yeah let me get uh let's put something together okay yeah okay sure cool i'll call you man yeah you could just tap me on the shoulder and like i said i work right beside you yeah cool let me look into that Right on. I don't know. I miss that stuff, man. You know, people used to see a mouse running across their kitchen

or, you know, a spider coming down from the ceiling. You know, their eyes would bug out. They do a triple take, their neck and head whipping around. A spider, a mouse. Nowadays, it's like, oh, my God, a mouse. Call the orcan man. Someone call the exterminator. Oh, God, I can't touch that.

So that's what I'm saying, folks. Let's get back to using our faces, okay? Let's start getting back to being expressive. Let's get back to bulging our eyes out. Let's get back to dropping our lower jaw with that look of shock. and surprise, let's stop playing it cool and unemotional and kind of avant-garde and, yeah, whatever, you know, flippant and kind of business as usual. Let's all spice our own lives up and, uh, put a little creativity into our reactions.

Hi, Jim. Happy Valentine's Day. I love you. Are, boop, boop. Yeah. Do you. Am I just mental or what? All right. Well, hey, if you want to see more of the mentalist, if you want to see me make real-life facial expressions,

why don't you come down to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, to the Hollywood Hard Rock Casino in Florida. I'm going to be there, August 26 to the 29th, at the improv. It's a great facility, great club, and it's right next, it's butted up next to nightclubs and restaurants and the casinos. And it's just like, it's a crazy, all-out, cool, fun entertainment center, and you get to see me, and maybe, you know, we'll go next door and grab a beer or something. Yeah, right.

But come on down. If you have a chance, come and visit the kid. And if you are on the West Coast and you're Jones and to see the kid live, don't forget I have an incredible show at the Erbs Theater in San Francisco, Saturday night, September 4th. Great way to kind of say goodbye to the summer and kick off the fall. And that's going to be an awesome. some improv and stand-up comedy show.

You can get your tickets for that at cityboxoffice.com, get your tickets for the improv at improv.com, or just go to harlandwilliams.com and check it all out, okay? Cool, man. Hello, everybody. You're on the Harlem Highway, and welcome to learning how to enunciate. Clear your throat

And let's say the next word together, shall we? Marmalade Marmalade. Some people pronounce it marmalade. You can pronounce it marmalade Or you can pronounce it marmalade Let's say it together Marmalade

Marmalade Everyone together Drag it out nice and long Marmalade Marmalade Let's use it in a sentence One, two, three Would you please pass

The Marmalade My Lord Would you please pass the marmalade, squire? There you go, just another way to enhance your vocabulary here on the Holland Highway, Lord. Okay, probably one of the dumbest ways to end the show ever, but, you know, hey, I'm looking out for you, like I said, trying to improve your...

your vocabulary. And as far as putting words together, I guess these are the words I dread to say towards the end of every Harland Highway podcast. But we are at the end. And it's time to go. I hope you had a great time.

We'll see you back here real soon. Keep the pedal to the metal. Keep the flies in the spider web. And keep your eyes on your fries. And until next time, my fellow friends, chicken chalmain, baby. Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh.