The Harland Highway - PODCAST 154

Episode Date: August 20, 2010

The Ice Cream man, drive thru regrets, prisons, comas, A scaaarrryy horror story, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Blobs of blob meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's why every rose as it's dawn, every podcast sings a sad, sad. Yeah, yeah, I guess I am singing a sad, sad song because I can't sing and why I do it every week, I don't know. It's just a bad habit. But hopefully the Harland Highway is a good habit in your mind. I love having you here. and I'll tell you why because I love doing these shows for you folks hoping that brings a smile to your face, darling

I didn't mean that for the guy It's just the girls darling Today we have some Some visitors to the show Dr. Ascot is here because it's Friday Moron I think we have another guy coming in I won't tell you who

but uh you know stick around uh we're going to be talking about prisons we're going to be talking about the death penalty and prison life um we're going to be talking about uh drive through regrets there isn't a there isn't a facet of the drive through experience that is not fun and let's see if you've experienced it we're going to be talking about comas good lord hope you never go into a coma and i've I've got a horror story for you that involves a taxi. So put on your seatbelt. It's going to get scary right here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway.

I'm not your daddy. All right, now here's a topic that, you know, I guess I've been wanted to talk about this for a long time because it's very, very personal, and, you know, this is where you find out a lot about me as a human being and where I stand on the very important issue. Hello? Excuse me.

Hello? How are you doing? What are you doing here? I'm bringing you the ice cream. Well, I didn't ask for ice cream. My name is Dimitrioleo. I'm the ice cream, man. I'm bringing the nutty body, the chew a fudge stick.

The swizzledy, man. No, no, get out of here. I'm doing a show. I'm doing a podcast. Oh, nutty body, man. We give you nutty potty. We give you chocolate fudge fudge. We give you a swirly orange.

What? Orange swor-war-war-war-war-war. I don't even know what you're saying. Can you please get out of my studio? Oh, the nutty-buddy, chocolate nuts with buddy-buddy-buddy. No, out. Oh, we got the chocolate dreamsicle. We got the orange swizzledy-dizzledy and the munchy, fudge-fodgy.

Get out of here. Oh, it's ice cream. All around the place. Ice cream, fudgy, nut. I got the nuddy-budgy. Buddy, buddy. Get out! Unbelievable. You know what, I've lost it. Turn that music off.

God, thank you. Roger, can you not let that guy in here? I don't know how he got in here. Selling ice cream to me in the middle. He's got his card out in the hallway. What is this? I did not let him in. I was about to get into a very person...

I got a nutty buddy. We got an orange swirly fun stick and a chocolate fudge fudge cake. Get out of here. You want me to call security? Nothing but nothing. Get out! Sorry. Not really.

Okay. We all, by the way, Roger, ass. We all love the drive-thru, right? It's so convenient. It's fast. It's fun. We don't have to get out of our car. We don't have to burn any calories to actually go get our,

food. Can you imagine if the caveman or the primal tribes, primitive tribes, didn't have to do any physical work to get their mammoth? Oh, corg, I see mammoth over there in field. Oh, let's roll over and get him. Bunk! Can you imagine? So with the drive-through, no physical, I mean, the amount of calories maybe your wrist burns turning the wheel okay that's that's your exercise so when you go to the drive-thru it is just raw calorie intake okay i don't know that you lose like even an ounce

going to the drive-thru um but here's uh with all the pleasures the drive-thru uh gives us and all the early graves it gives us here's where the drive-thru gets you man man, because most of the time you've got to get in behind, you know, three or four cars minimum. Maybe if you're on a good day, maybe you get through first. Maybe there's one in front of you, but on average you've got three, four. And at a popular place, you can have as many as 10, 11, 15 cars in front of you, man. But here's where they get you. You make your order.

You do the thing. You talk to the speaker. What fries with that? right you pull up you give them your money they handy your bag you're happy as a clan all that crap you're about to shove in your mouth even though you know it's going to kill you you're you couldn't be happier until that is you pull you know about a half a mile away or a quarter a mile away and with your free hand you're trying to steer and then with the other hand you're fishing through your bag and you're like what do I eat first uh

okay i guess i'll have some fries first and then uh then i'll have my mcnuggets and then i'll go for the burger and then i'll go for the drink wait a minute well wait a minute where's my coke where's my oh my god the dude forgot to give me my drink oh my god oh my god and then you can't decide what's worse that that you don't have anything to quench your thirst there's nothing to help wash down the crap is that the worst part of it or is the worst part that you're you're out 48 cents or 85 cents. You know, because no one in America likes to get jipped or ripped off, right? Like, oh my God, they just totally didn't give me my drink.

I paid for that damn drink, man. But you get over, you're all right, I got the rest of my food, right? So you're like, I'm not going to turn around and go back. You know, what am I going to stand in line? I'm going to get up my car and walk up to the drive-through window? And then how about this? This is where it gets even worse, right? You reach into your bag and, like, oh, there's my fries.

And now I'll go for the McNugget. Wait, oh, my God. Where's the little box? I only feel, there's my burger, there's my fry. Where's the McNuggets, man? Oh, my God, where's the McNuggets? And so now you're missing some of your food. And you go, well, I still got my burger, you know.

I told them no lettuce, no tomato, so you open your burger and you're like, there's a lettuce and there's a tomato on this burger and more importantly the mayonnaise you asked for isn't on the burger and you're like ah they got it all wrong and that's where they get you man because how many of you turn around and go back get in the line go and fight for your 85 cents you know you just kind of drive away bitter

with a gray little cloud hanging over your head Do you get drive-through depression? Oh, man, I guess I can't have any nuggets today. A stupid idiot wasn't... I should have known the way that guy's hat was on crooked and stupid name tag. Why don't even go to that one anyways? They always messed it up.

I'm going to go to the other drive-thru. Right? You just think of all these bitter things to say. But isn't it true? There are some... You know, you've probably learned this if you do a drive-through route, there are some drive-thrus where you kind of go,

uh-oh, uh-oh, I've had trouble with this one. Am I going to get the thing I wanted? And you start to avoid that drive-thru, and then there's other drive-thrus. You're like, oh, man, they just always nail it. These drive-thru guys need a drive-thru award. In fact, I might even drive-through the wall and slam on the brakes right at the counter

and tell them how much I appreciate them. I'll drive, I'll friggin' drive-thru. Right? So hopefully it doesn't happen to you. Hopefully you don't get caught up in the dark side of drive-thrues where your order is screwed up and there's no waiter or waitress or anyone

to talk to about it. So sad. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, hey, everybody. Here's a new report that just came out. According to studies, it looks like the death.

penalty works. In other words, it deters criminals from committing crimes. Gee, you think? As opposed to what? The penal system we have now where, you know, hardened criminals and murderers and rapists go into the system and get three hot meals a day and get to watch TV and get conjugal visits and somehow drugs and booze and everything else. has somehow miraculously smuggled into the prison

and people get let out for good behavior and people serving long terms end up serving short terms and people have psychiatrists and top medical treatment and college level education and libraries and skills training and blah blah blah blah blah blah yeah prison real rough in fact right you save the tuition on Yale and Harvard. You don't have to worry about all the partying and all that. You can just go into prison be ultra-disciplined for four years and come out in great health because of all the weight

training you do with the guys, the three square meals. You come out and be a top-level student with a great disposition. Or, you know, what's the other side? The death penalty? Yeah, if they brought that back, if everybody knew they were going to die if they caused a crime, yeah. might lighten the load a little bit on the old jail system but the way they got it now you go to jail might as well take the word jail down and put up a resort man only in America people get treated better than they deserve believe me I'm going to go rob a store so I can get put in jail and finally get that bachelor of fine arts degree I've always wanted Good God.

Hey, everybody, it's Friday here on the Harland Highway, and if I don't sound entirely thrilled, it's because I have to do my weekly on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot, a sign to me because they feel I'm not that stable, and this is a job requirement. So, hello, Dr. Ascott, what are we doing today? What ridiculous, psychological game plan do you have today? Holland.

Just tell me. Holland. Just tell me. Holland, today I want you to express yourself and release inner anxiety by doing deep guttural sounds. What? Arland, when you do deep guttural sounds, you release the pressures. from within your chambers. What chambers?

The chambers of your mind and the chambers of your heart. Holland. Okay, this is just, it ain't gonna happen. Arland, I want you to croak like a bullfrog. What? A bullfrog, Arland.

It will help you release with a deep guttural croaking. I'm not gonna croak like a bullfrog. Holland. I'm not, gonna do it. Holland, have you ever seen a pink slip, Holland? Oh, come on, man. You're not pulling that on me again.

Broke like a bullfrog, Arland. Oh, man. Ribb it. No, Arlund, deep, deep from within. I can't. Ribot, ribbit, ribet, ribet. There, I'm a frog. It's unbelievable.

Holland do it deep, like this. Ribbit. Oh, come on, man. How is this in any book, any psychological guide? There can't be a doctor of trained professional in the country that does this crap. Holland. Ribbet, Holland. Ribot.

Ribot. Ribot. Ribot. Ribot. Holland, rib it. Ribbit, ribit, ribit, rivet, ribit, ribet, that's better, holland, deeper. Ribbit, ribet, deeper, holland, croak deeper, holland, deeper, deeper, deeper, ribet, ribet, ribet, croak to the center of the earth, holland, ribet, ribet, roland, croc deeper holland,

Holland, ribet, ribet, Holland. I can't do this anymore. I just hurt my neck. Arlen, now I want you to try snapping flies out of the air with your tongue. Excuse me? Ohland, you're a frog. Snap that fly out of the air with your tongue. Get out of here, Ascot, idiot. Arland.

Out. Ribbit. Don't start croaking to me. Ribbit. Get out, Ascot. Alland, Rib it. Get out of here. Unbelievable.

Have a good weekend. folks. Go find some frog legs somewhere and enjoy them. Ribbit Holland. Ribbet. Shut up. Ribbit. Okay. Do you like scary? Because I got a scary story for you.

Okay? You ready? It's super terrifying. It happened to me. It's probably happened to you. And God help us everyone. Okay? I don't know if there's anything more scary or terrifying than what I'm about to tell you.

This is a real-life encounter happened in the summer. This summer, I was stuck in a taxi cab. Now let me elaborate, okay? And believe me, this does get horrifying. And I'm sure this has happened to some of you, okay? It was a hot summer day. I'm up in Montreal, Canada, attending a big comedy festival, the Montreal Comedy Festival

and I had to jump into a cab and race to a gig and I get in this cab, I dive in this cab, and the minute I get in, I'm not kidding, the wall of stink that hit me. I mean, it was like one of those disaster movies

where you see a giant wall of water, a tsunami. You ever see those movies where it's just a solid wall of water? water coming onto the coast and like the statue of liberty gets knocked over and the Empire State Building gets buried and Manhattan's underwater and you know what I'm talking about right so you get in the back of this cab and this wall of stink blasted me okay it wasn't a subtle stink it wasn't like oh what's that oh is something a little off it was it was as if you opened a

barn door. Okay, you're out in the fresh sunshine on a happy spring day. You walk up to the barn, everything, you smell the flowers, the daisies, you open the barn door and a wall of manure stink comes at you, okay? But this wasn't like a manure stink, okay? I had a driver in the front seat, and you know what? Since you, I know you're thinking it, you're like, was he ethnic? Was it an Indian guy? Was it a Persian guy? Was it, I'm not being racist. This is just part of the story. Yes, it was, you know, if I had to hazard a guess, maybe, you know, like Egyptian or

Lebanese or Armenian, something like that. I can tell by kind of his features, his olive skin, his black hair, his accent, yada, yada, yada. So I'm just telling you who he was and what he was, which isn't to say any other race, reader color can stink too. Okay, but this guy from wherever he was from, he stunk, and that cab stunk. And here's the kicker.

Okay, it smelt, it's almost like his body odor or whatever was emanating from the guy had turned in on itself and it gotten so rank, so potent, so powerful that it smelled like a submarine sandwich. You ever buy like at a Subway or a Mr. Submarine or something? You get a submarine sandwich with everything on it, you know, the cheese and the tomatoes and the onions and the peppers,

and they put the oil on the vinegar and the sauces, and it just has that smell, right? It has that distinct smell. Well, it smelled like I was in a submarine sandwich factory. Okay? So I sat down and this waft of, you know, whatever it was came on me, and I immediately was like, oh, my God. And so what I did is I immediately started breathing through my mouth and not through my nose, okay? You know that where you're kind of breath all through your mouth and all of a sudden you become nasally because you're, if you don't breathe through your nose, you can't smell it, but you're still got to breathe. But then your brain's going, oh, my God, I'm breathing with my mouth.

All whatever air particles are in the air are being sucked into my lungs. So the stink is going right inside me. So right away, I open the window. And the guy goes, oh, no, my friend, we have air conditioning. I put air conditioning. I go, no, no, sir, no. I'm paying for the ride. I'm putting the window down.

And I tried to do it as politely but as forcefully as I could. to let him know I meant business, okay? I'm not ready for the gas chamber at my early age. He's like, oh, what you're going to do? I'm leaving it down. You don't need to know why. I'm sure you, you know, I didn't say this, but it's obvious the guy had no idea

that he had such a strong odor. Okay, so as fame would have it, we pull out from kind of the underground pickup part of this hotel I'm at. And we pull out into the street, and it's one of the biggest amazing downpours. I was waiting for Noah's Ark to go by. Okay, it was a major thunderstorm, one of those huge summer showers where you step out into it and you're wet within about four seconds.

You're drenched. You know, just pounding little rivers and running down the curbs. You know how it is. So right away, I'm trapped. I'm the water's pounding in the window right away within about five seconds of leaving the hotel I'm forced to roll up the window it's okay I got the out of conditioning yeah okay thank you sir thank you very much and I'm sitting in the back and I'm driving along and you know now the traffic's going twice as slow because of this torrential downpour so now I'm stuck in in the you know the

the submarine sandwich machine for longer than I should have been. And here's the kicker. Okay, this is where it gets really bizarre. You know, eventually you just kind of can't breathe through your mouth the whole time. And eventually, you know, there's moments when you let down your guard or whatever and you breathe through your nose and there it is. That submarine sandwich stank. And all of a sudden I had a moment where I went,

Wait a minute. Is this horrible or is this guy delicious? I couldn't believe it. I was like, wait a minute. You know, I was around it so long. It almost became like, man, I could go for a submarine sandwich. This guy's bloody delicious. I can't get enough of this guy.

It's just sick. You know, he's one of these guys. I'm almost certain if I took his shirt off, if I peeled his colored shirt off. On his back would be cold cuts and cheese slices and tomatoes and cucumbers and shredded lettuce. You know, all the things you'd put on a subway sandwich, I was positive he had them under his shirt.

Because this guy smelled so much like a submarine sandwich. He was probably the most disgusting slash delicious cab ride I've ever had in my life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a bucket and throw up. Thank you. Hey, everybody, you're rolling down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams present day. It's today. Everything's as it should be.

And that's easy for me to say, but what if you were one of these people that woke up from a coma? After 19 years or 10 years, even 3, 4, 5 years in a coma, everything just stood still. Stop for you, but the world kept on moving. Wouldn't that be wild? It feel like you woke up. People are dead, people are married, people have been born, people are gold. Your goldfish has died.

There's new buildings up in your neighborhood. huh wouldn't that be wild your boyfriend or girlfriend has moved on just be like this big hole in your life man this big moment that you forgot time stood still

I wonder if you get that back when you go to heaven uh hey look god uh you know I don't mean to be a whiner or a complainer but you know technically I was a lot for like, you know, 14 years, but I was like passed out, man. Yeah, I just, I wasn't, uh, I wasn't really active. I was just, you know, chilling, had a little nap, so to speak.

So do you think you could just, uh, credit me with those years? And, you know, I know I'm here at the pearly gates, but would you mind sending me back down? Let me do those 14 years, buddy, huh? Just let me, huh? No, I'm screwed. Okay. what a rip it's almost like being trapped in an elevator right it's like you got a meeting at nine o'clock upstairs you get in the elevator at like

730 you're going to be nice and early and prompt and ready for the meeting and huh the elevator's stuck man what you just lose that time can't go anywhere you're stuck in a four by six foot room you can't get that back Oh, man. Scary. At least if you're in a coma, I hope you're having some good dreams. All I can tell you is you're not wasting time now. Every second spent on the Harland Highway is a dream within itself.

Hello. And speaking of dreams, let me tune you into something that's going on with my online store, okay? because I want everyone to get in on this. These items I've been making have been going fast, and I want to make sure everyone's aware of them and everyone has a good swing at the bat. But I've been creating these crazy kind of, I'll call it serial art, for lack of a better word.

But if you go to the Harlan Williams.com store and you look around in there, You're going to see these crazy creations where I've got little altar boys and American bald eagles and Indians and all kinds of nutty creations. Little children praying. And what I've done is I've modified these sculptures with cereal, all your favorite cereal. Yeah, if you want an American bald eagle with apple jacks for eyes or a little kitty cat with Cocoa crispy. fur, or maybe a giant rooster made out of Captain Crunchberry crunches or whatever they are. I mean, they're just ridiculous.

And I made them, like always, I try to make things one of a kind, right? I try to make just a one-off thing so that no one else in the world has it. You can buy it, you can own it, and you can boast that this is the own. only one of its kind. I'm all about originality, if you haven't figured it out. But I do these by myself, I put them together. I don't carve the statues, but I modify them. And even I laugh at them when I'm done.

I look at these things and I start cracking up. And I don't know. If you want one, go to the store. They're in there now. And they're just ridiculous. If you have one sitting in your home, they're sure to garner a lot of attention and people are going to wonder what's wrong with you.

And that's what we want, isn't it? We want people wondering what's wrong with you. So that way it's not all on me. You know, I don't have to be the guy carrying around the whole, what's wrong with you, stigma? You guys can help me lighten the load. So I just wanted to let you know if you want a unique, one-of-a-kind gift,

check out the Harland Highway store and look for your very own original piece of cereal art. And we will box it up and bubble-wrap it and ship it to you real nice. And maybe if you don't want it, it would be a fun gift to give to a friend. They will never forget you for it, I promise.

But like I said, they're limited. I don't have that many in there. so go check it out and make sure you get yours. You beat the crowd to the front of the line, so to speak. And speaking of line, don't forget to line up for my stand-up concert dates. Yes, my stand-up concert dates, ladies and gentlemen. Next week, Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the Hard Rock Casino, the same casino where Anna Nicole Smith passed away.

Maybe you'll see her ghost. You'll get lucky. I will be at the Improv at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, August 26 through the 29th. That's a Thursday through a Sunday. It is going to be a blowout. So make sure you go to Improv.com or Harlanwilliams.com to get your tickets ahead of time. And if you're on the West Coast, I'll say it again, Saturday, September 4th, San Francisco, the Erbs Theater. unbelievable, beautiful theater right in downtown Sam Fran.

Go to cityboxoffice.com. Get your tickets right away. We're going to be doing a dual show there. It's going to be stand-up and sketch comedy improv. So it doesn't get much better than that. Hope to see you there, folks. I'm all out of time. Thanks for joining. Have a great weekend. We will see you next time. And until then, go get yourself a submarine sandwich. and chicken chalmain, baby.