The Harland Highway - PODCAST 156

Episode Date: August 25, 2010

Big, fat balloons, people who work at night, celebrity endorsements, and yes, hair coloring. Sufferin' succotash shorts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you like Pinacolodas, Dun, da-da-nan-da-n-don-dun, getting high in the rain. If you like the Harland Highway, B'b-Bahn, okay, enough. That's really questionable behavior. Wow. If you like peanut calodias.

God. I might need one after that intro. But nonetheless, welcome. to the Harland Highway. What a show. We're going to be talking about a big air-filled thing. I don't want to give it away, but it's a big air-filled thing. Okay?

We're going to be talking about a big air-filled thing. I'm sure you're excited, aren't you? We're going to be talking about, you ever see people that work at night? Night workers, they call them? We're going to be getting into that whole world. And then we're going to get into the world of celebrity endorsements. Yeah, a lot of these celebs are making their bucks for selling us a bunch of crap.

And then we're getting in a touchy subject with the ladies' hair coloring. We're going to talk about that. But it doesn't matter what color you are, everyone's welcome right here at the multicolored Harlan Highway. I want to be Your H-A-R-L-A-N-D Because you're the only girl that I want to see I want to be

Your H-A-R-L-A-N-G Williams I've got the sideburns I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in Oh thank you

I've got the sideburn Hi, but I've got the chin. Come on, baby, pretty, baby, let me in. Whoa. Don't you just hear it when you're going, and a hot dog flies into the magic. Oh, yeah. Because I don't want to be, the H-A-R-L-A-N-D.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Okay, what is the deal, people, with the big rubber blow-up doll thingies? You know what I'm talking about? You're driving down the road, and suddenly there's a mattress store or a car dealership, right? And up on the roof or out in the parking lot, they've got like a 60-foot blow-up gorilla with its arms in the air and its teeth, you know, sticking out. his fangs are bared, right? There's like a giant blow-up of a football helmet or, you know, a hot-air balloon or a clown, or sometimes there's a big, like, Godzilla dinosaur or something.

Is that supposed to lure me into the car dealership? Am I supposed to go in and, you know, be driving down the street and gone, Geez, you know, I got 60 grand burning a hole in my pocket. I want to make a big investment. I want to buy a brand new car. And let's see, no, that place looks too boring. Now the Toyota dealership looks a little stiff. The Dodge Place doesn't look much fun.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold the phone. Look at that Ford dealership. Is that a giant gorilla, I see? Is that a big black, wiggling ape in the parking lot? Oh, I got to go in there. Yeah, that's where I want to make my deal. You know, I got to go to the place with the giant gorilla.

Oh, boy. What the hell is that, man? Who came up with that? That gimmick. And it seemed a little strange, huh? I don't know. It's just like if I'm in there filling out paperwork and, you know, there's a big investment to be made. Do I really want to be sitting down with the guy who's got the rubber gorilla in the parking lot right next to my brand new car?

Well, Mr. Williams, let's see. Would you like the optional air conditioning and a surround sound stereo? Yeah, sure. and by the way, did you see our giant gorilla? Oh, oh, oh, ho, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Out in the parking lot, did you see him? Uh, I got to go. Wait a minute, Mr. Williams.

We weren't finished. We need your signature. Yeah, I'm going to go to Africa and pick up a brand new car. Oh, yeah, they got real guerrillas there. Oh, who, who, ha, ha, ha, ha. Unbelievable, man. You know, like, is that, is that, is that, is that, Is that the draw, is that the attraction?

What does a giant gorilla have to do with a car? What does a football helmet or a, you know, a giant dinosaur have to do with me buying a new Ford Escort? I don't know. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. But then again, so is this show. So maybe I should have a giant. blow-up gorilla on my head i don't know where do you put it if you have a podcast it's not like

you can put it anywhere um i don't know do they use these things to advertise other things you know victoria secret doesn't have a giant blow-up boobs sitting out front you know hey look at the 40-foot boobs we got to go in there You know, you don't drive past the cheesecake factory And there's like a 60 foot slab of cheesecake So I don't know, what can I say? Ridiculous Would you shut up?

Up yours Okay, so picture this. It's the middle of the night. rolling down the harland highway it's pitch black and there's those guys doing construction have you seen these guys they got the big lights set up on the side of the road they get those concrete barriers i mean it's pitch black we're talking 12 1 a.m. in the morning when everyone else is going to sleep or driving home these guys are out under the floodlights building something You know, resurfacing a road or fixing a bridge.

Who are these guys? Are they like mole people? Are they like vampires who aren't in the mood for flapping around and sucking blood? Who volunteers to work at 1 a.m. in the morning with movie lights on? It's always very weird. You're driving along. Do-de-de-de-de-de. What the hell's going on up here?

What the hell? The guy's always, no one's ever smiling or happy, right? They've always got kind of that zombie look on their face. Uh, must fix road. Uh, must patch up bridge. Uh, maybe that's who they are. Zombies. The living dead are repairing our roads at night.

I mean, when do you ever see those lights? The only time you ever see those lights on at night is like, On a National Geographic Special. We're here in the Serengeti in the middle of the night with a pride of lions, and oh my goodness, a zebra has wandered into the vicinity. Oh, my goodness, they've taken the zebra down. You know, you've seen it.

They've filmed the hyenas, ripping a deer apart in the middle of the night or whatever. I'm half expecting that. Driving by the midnight construction site and see some guys. on a yellow vest and an orange hard hat. I'm waiting for a laughing hyena to dive out from behind a cement mixer and take them down by the throat.

Is there no way that can repair this stuff while the sun's up on our planet? Hello? Hello? I don't know, man. I'm just saying it's creepy as all. And if you're a night guy, well, you probably won't hear this because you're probably sleeping because you've got to get up in four hours and go to work in the middle of the night. I guess you'd never get a job up in Alaska during the seasons the sun don't go down.

Keep it in the south, baby, here on the Harland Highway. Oh! And here's something else that's even a bigger monster, okay, than zombies. and late-night creatures. The bigger monster is fueled by money, and it's called the Celebrity Endorsement Deal. Okay? Are we getting sick of celebrities doing these endorsements?

It's not only it's sad, but it's wrong, okay? Like, you know the ones I'm talking about now? Now there's one with Henry Winkler, the Fonz, who's coming on and doing these commercials where he's talking about refinancing your house and redoing your mortgage and it's like, are you kidding me? It's the Fonz, man.

You know, this is the guy that was like, hey, you know, he lived in the Cunningham's garage. He lived up over above, he rented a pad above their garage. And now he's an expert on refinancing people's homes. Hey. Oh, no, I don't think you want to stay. I don't know, man.

And it's like, it's like, you know, the guys had such an illustrious career. The guys had, you know, so many movies and sitcoms and TV shows and, you know, do you really want to tarnish it with a mortgage commercial? I don't know. I guess he's older. I guess they, you know, these celebrities just bank on this stuff, you know, I hate to say it. I hate to be morbid, but, you know, a lot of them are in their Twilight years so they're probably banking on uh you know just uh they'll do the thing and uh they're

already in their 60s or their 70s it's like how much time do i have left what the hell the bulk of my career is behind me all the good stuff's behind me so now i get a million and a half to talk about home mortgages now i'm going to save you for last and what we're going to do we're going to do a loan so sit and i can retire with some security blah blah blah okay i guess i can see that side of it but uh i don't know it's just it's just kind of take something away from all you know about them you know i grew up watching um the six million dollar man which was a show about you know the bionic man steve austin when i was a kid and it was like the coolest and now uh lee majors the six million dollar man is doing uh a commercial for a

cheap hearing aid made in China. It's called the bionic ear. And there's Lee Majors, you know, peddling this cheap piece of crap that you can tell just looking at it is probably costs about three cents to make. And he's trying to, you know, you know, pluff it up and make it sound amazing. And, you know, it's just like, it's so lame. What? Parley and wine?

What? What? What did you say? What? We can rebuild him. What? We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man.

What is it? Bingo. Did someone say bingo? What? Be that man. Someone's calling me. What? I can't hear you.

Better. Stronger. Butter? Faster. What? What? Who's there? Right.

Help. Help. Who's got the butter? You know? And then the worst one of all, man. And this is sad because this chick's still kind of young and still got it. It's Jamie Lee Curtis. Okay?

And she's doing commercials for Activa. Which is just, it's pathetic on so many levels because it's a commercial about a product that keeps your turds moving through your system. Okay? She's sitting there interviewing regular folks asking them about their movements. Yeah, how's that crap machine coming along, Cindy? Well, I haven't been going regularly, but since I started eating activa, I'm like a manure sprader. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Great. Glad we could know that and glad we needed Jamie Lee Curtis to tell us. I mean, remember how hot she was and all the movies she did, trading places,

Halloween, a classic? How did the girl from Halloween you know, go from from Halloween to selling diarrhea-inducing product. Good Lord. Just imagine to the trailer for Halloween if they'd know on that. It's 23 years later. And Michael Myers is coming home.

Because he's got horrible diarrhea, and he has to use the bathroom immediately. Tonight, everybody's going to die if he opens the bathroom door and they smell the fumes from his diarrhea. It's Halloween night, and Michael Myers has eaten too many sugary chocolate treats, and now he's got a horrible case of holorea. and everybody's going to die starring Jamie Lee Curtis oh god yeah that actually does sound kind of scary

imagine some new serial killer murder character and his whole gimmick is diarrhea oh oh look at me talking here you know I'm just waiting for the phone to ring so I can get my like three million dollar endorsement deal.

Are you kidding me? I'd sell like salt pills to leeches if I got the chance. No, I'm joking. Believe me. There are many things in life that have come my way

where I could have made a quick buck and I did not. Now, that's not to say everyone should think like me and it doesn't mean I haven't done a few things where I made a quick buck that maybe I'm not that proud of.

But there's certain things, man. And when you become the face of diarrhea, okay, if you want to see how hot Jamie Lee Curtis was, go rent the movie Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd. There is a scene in that movie where she is in the bathroom changing her clothes, and I'm not trying to be a purve, I'm talking about something that is quite stunningly beautiful. There's a scene where she takes off her clothes and they do a full frontal of her breast. and I got to say they are some of the finest looking, well-proportioned, beautifully shaped breasts you'll ever see.

Like, it's one of those scenes that just about knocks you off your feet. It's like that scene in Crocodile Dundee when the hot blonde reporter, they're out in the woods, and she decides it's really hot, and she takes off her skirt to go, you know, take a little dip in the creek, and she's wearing that incredibly sexy black bathing suit, and you're just like, what the hell is that? And it's just like a showstopper.

Yeah, the Jamie Lee Curtis scene is like that, okay? So how'd she go from that to... Do you have diarrhea? Try Octava to help get the juice out. Mommy, do you believe in the boogeyman? Oh, anyways, I'd like to keep talking about this, but I guess I better stop here and, you know, I've got to plug my new product. But we'll be back right after this annoying commercial. Hi, I'm a believably attractive 18 to 24 year old female.

You can relate to me because I'm racially ambiguous. And I'm in this tampon commercial because market research shows girls like girls. You love girls like me. Now I'm going to tell you to buy something. Buy the same tampons I use. Because I'm wearing white pants. And I have good hair. And do you wish you could be me?

Hi, honey. Who are you today? Oh, I don't know. I'm a blonde. No, wait, I'm a brunette. No, wait, I'm a redhead. I don't know who I am. How many of you guys have that girl

friend that about every three weeks shows up with a new hair color. And every time she walks through the door, this is the one, right? Oh my God, look at my hair. It's red. Why didn't I do this? 20 years ago, I mean, this is my look. I feel so empowered. I feel, I mean, look at the way it frames my eyes.

And this is my look right here. What was I thinking with the dark hair? Hey yeah looks great baby looks great beautiful you are so right that's all you You're damn right it is why did you say something right and then three and a half weeks later She comes walking through the door look at this oh my god this was like a genie in the bottle my hair is blonde This is the look I've been waiting for. I've been searching for that I needed to get ahead in life. Why didn't you ever say anything?

Look at the way it frames my eyes. Oh yeah, baby, that's you. You're a blonde all the way. I don't know how I didn't see it. Yeah, what's wrong with you? Ass! Make me wear that red hair! Right, and then four weeks later.

Look at my hair. It's black. Yeah, that's the way it was six weeks ago, remember? No, it wasn't, it was like off black. It was like a dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark brown. But this black, oh my God, look at the way it frames my eyes. Oh, God. Okay, there, rainbow warrior head.

Good Lord. Can you get your scalp to settle on something and leave me out of it? You're like a chameleon, man. Why don't you go sit in the window ledge with your multicolored hairdos and zap flies with your tongue, you freak? Enough. Make a decision. I've had brown hair my whole life.

I'm fine and dandy. Not only is it every three weeks, it's hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Honey, why are we living in a trailer? Well, because you just spent our live savings on changing your hair color over and over and over. Yeah, but don't I look great? Look at the way it frames my eyes. Ugh. Keep your hair on your head.

Here on the Harlan Highway. Okay, wait a minute. I can't let that segment go without fessing up, okay? I have had my hair colored. okay I twice in my life I've had my hair

died blonde one time it was at the end of a movie shoot and the the hair lady was like encouraging me to do it just for fun and I was like you know what you only live once why not man so I dyed my hair blonde

and then another time I actually did it for a movie and after the movie was done I just let a go i just kept it blonde i didn't uh i didn't die it back as uh you know what the hell you only live once right i just said that uh but um you know it it is weird it's um i think there is a little bit of truth to that that whole uh blonds have more fun thing i noticed that people reacted to me a little differently i think the ladies warmed up to me a little differently with the blonde

hair. You know, not that I have a problem with the ladies warming up to me, man, you know. But, yeah, I think the blonde hair brought it out in them a little more. I think I noticed that the ladies were even a little more aggressive when I was a little blondie. How about that? So maybe there is some truth to that. I don't know. Um, but, uh, you know, people do it. People do it, and every now and then I put a little touch in my hair right by my ears, by my sideburns, my temples, I guess you would say. My hair goes a little bit gray right in that area, as do a lot of men's temples. I think it's kind of the first thing to go. So every now and then, you know, if I'm going out on an audition or, you know, I'm starting to feel like an old bag.

I'll throw a little hair color right over my temples, you know, just to get rid of the gray. But it's interesting because, you know, when I do leave it, I get a lot of compliments from the ladies. They give me that old, ooh, salt and pepper. I like the salt and pepper is sexy. And I'm like, come on, you're humoring me, right? You don't really like the salt and pepper. I'm like, no, we really like the salt and pepper. So I guess I kind of figured out why George Clooney does it, right?

Because he looks too young to be gray, and yet he loves the gray. He leaves it in, man. But I just don't know if I like being called salt and pepper. I feel like a cooking ingredient. Oh, I love your salt and pepper. Yeah, thanks there, nutmeg cinnamon. What?

Nothing. You know, where the hell does that come from? salt and pepper, obviously from the color, but it just, I don't know. It feels like maybe they want to eat me. Mmm, salt and pepper. Delicious salt and pepper. Mmm. Um, so anyways, the whole hair coloring thing, it is, uh, it is what it is.

And, uh, God love you for doing it and God love you for not. doing it okay um that's uh it's just one of the many things we do in this life um to keep ourselves uh feeling special feeling entertained feeling whatever um and speaking of feeling special and entertained how about this ladies and gentlemen uh this weekend oh so excited i will be in Florida at the Fort Lauderdale or Hollywood Improv. It's a beautiful comedy club nestled inside the hard rock casino in Hollywood, Florida. You can go to improv.com for tickets and showtimes. You can go to Harland Williams.com for tickets and showtimes.

And I hope I see you there. That'll be August, Thursday, August 26th to Sunday, August 29th. Okay, that'll be like getting rid of the end of summer. We'll be getting rid of the end of summer with yours truly making you laugh right into the blistery, blustery cold days of those Florida blizzards that you know are coming. So I hope you can make it out. It's going to be a really, really good time. And then right around the corner, this is amazing, in San Francisco at the Herbs Theater, the Erbs Theater,

you can go to cityboxoffice.com for tickets and showtimes. I will be at this gorgeous old 900-seat theater up in San Francisco. If you live on the East Coast and you can't make it, be sure to call your friends on the West Coast and remind them it's going to be September 4th, Saturday night, San Francisco, the Herbs Theater, city box office.com. And that's going to be a dual show. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy as well as sketch comedy

with suggestions and, uh, and a bunch of improv stuff based on suggestions from the audience. So there you go. Wrapping it up here. We had a wonderful show. I hope you enjoyed yourself here today on the Harland Highway. Thanks for driving along with me and make sure you tell your friends, don't leave them standing on the curb with their thumbs out

or their dress hiked up and their legs sticking out because we want to pick everyone up, take them down the Harland Highway. And until next time, my friends, chicken chow, Maine, baby.