The Harland Highway - PODCAST 157

Episode Date: August 27, 2010

Cell phone loss, roller coasters, seat belt dangers, Olio, the ice cream guy, and talk about an 80's rock ledgend. Get the crab meat Billy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sister Christian, know your time has come, and you're motoring. Well, okay, no, you are motoring. My singing's not motoring, but you are motoring down. Guess where? I think you know the answer, unless this is your first time here. Hello, you're motoring down the Harland Highway. Hello, I'm Harland Williams, your host, your Hickory Smoked host. Yes, I stand in a Hickory Smokehouse.

and let the smoke billow over me so that when I do these podcasts, they have that wonderful hickory scent. What the hell am I talking about? Okay, here we go. Today we are talking about some very important topics, but don't we always? We're talking about the loss of your cell phone. Oh, my God.

How attached are we to our cell phones? It's horrifying. we're going to go through that something else that's horrifying roller coasters yeah especially if you get stuck on one i got a little story about that that'll chill your dingle buns um we're going to be talking about seatbelts is is it possible seatbelts could kill you what hello what i'm going to get into that um i think we have a visitor coming by the studio today i won't say who and then i'm going to be talking about i went to a a great concert for a 1980s rocker legend.

I loved it. I'm going to tell you all about it right now, because here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you are on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. What? I'm Teddy Robspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay, let me start by telling you something incredibly traumatic or traumatic, or however you pronounce it. Whatever the hell you call it, it was insane.

Have you ever left your child? behind have you ever lost your kid well here's what happened to me the other day i'm running out the door i'm going for a meeting i get about you know two miles from the house and all of a sudden i get this empty pit in my stomach where i'm like oh my god i had one of those moments right guess what it was i had forgotten my cell phone yeah it was i can picture it sitting in my house on the counter with the charger stuck in its butt and you can't imagine

we've become so programmed we've become so attached to our cell phones I literally felt like a piece of me was missing I was like oh my God I went to reach for my phone to make a call like yeah I better come oh my wait a minute oh my God where's my child

oh my God where's my child oh my God where's my child Right? And it's like that empty feeling in my stomach. And I'm like, oh my God, I've got to call someone. I've got to call. And I went to reach from my phone. I was, wait a minute, I can't call anyone.

I don't have my phone. And the very thing I'm trying to call about is about the thing that I don't have. And this sense of panic and immediately I thought, how will I talk to so-and-so-and. What if I miss my texts? And what if I, what if I, what if I, get a phone message and what have I and I just started panicking man and I thought should I call 911 you know do I put out an amber alert you know so there there's signs flashing on the highway Harlan Williams can't find his phone missing right and then I had that home alone moment

you know I've I pictured my phone all alone at home like that stupid movie I'm like oh my God My phone's all alone at home. What's going to happen to my phone? And then I pictured my phone in the bathroom, my iPhone looking in the mirror and putting aftershave on its face and slapping its cheeks. Remember that scene where the kid screams? The little boy slapping the aftershave.

That's what my iPhone's doing. Isn't it disgusting how attached at the hip quite literal? we are with our with our cell phones you literally feel like a piece of your world is missing man it's creepy you suddenly feel alone you feel uh by yourself you feel unconnected and i was just like wow this is weird and i thought how is this going to impact my day i was just going to screw things up what am i going to miss and then after you know a couple of minutes i just took a deep breath, and I was like, what the hell am I doing? I just kind of rewound in my head what things were like, like, you know, eight years ago,

maybe nine, ten years ago before we had cell phones. And I was just like, wait a minute, what do I care? It's just like the old days. If I, when I get home, everything will be there. I'll figure it out. I'm not going to miss anything. And if I run into trouble, I'll pull over and use a pay for it. phone but then I realized pay phones don't really exist anymore you never see them it's rare to see

seeing a pay phone is like seeing a rare like black rhinoceros on the plains of africa there's only about 12 left in the world as we pulled over the land rover we looked to the right and yes there it was there it was standing all alone silhou at the at the arco station one of the rarestations one of the rarest sights in modern society, a payphone. We vigorously took pictures and just watched it until the sun went down. You know? So it's really weird how our phones have almost become like our kids. We have an emotional attachment to our cell phones.

You can't deny it. If you ever actually lost your phone, you get that whole. horrible feeling in your in your stomach like like you've you've lost your family you know you're like on the titanic and then everything's going down but just leaving it at home or leaving it in the car you know when you go in for a meeting you accidentally leave your phone in the car and you're in the meeting you're like oh my god what's what's my phone doing i know i should be focusing on this very important meeting but oh my god what's my phone doing in the underground garage rate now oh my god i hope the valet guy oh my god the valet guy's getting all my numbers the valet guy's reading my

texticissuses the valet guys reading all my text sentences right now i don't want the valet guy to read my textuses some of them are naughty oh no right we love our cell phones man oh i'm breastfeeding mine right now as we talk there you go little guy Oh, that's okay. You need to be burped here. There you go. That's a good cell phone. So there you go.

Don't panic, okay? If you do leave your cell phone at home, you'll be back to it soon. And if you really run into trouble, you know, try and find a pay phone and call your cell phone at home to make sure it's okay. Oh my God.

My worst nightmare came true on the weekend. I don't know if you caught this story, people, but I've been living in fear of this happening forever. A bunch of kids, people, men, women, got stuck on a giant roller coaster at some amusement park somewhere. Okay? the roller coaster got jammed, came to a halt.

I don't know if it hit a ladybug on the track, or there was a deer crossing the track. Somehow, the roller coaster got jammed at 100, 150 feet up in the air, and upside down. So all these people were on the roller coaster hanging upside down like a bunch of dorky bats. in a cave at the mercy of the amusement park that they were up there for over half an hour

just dangling and they're on one of these roller coasters that you know they're all metal and they wind and they twist and they go up and they go down until you get on it you feel like you're on a ride through Rosie O'Donnell's

large intestine or something I mean, just to look at them, I get queasy. Do you think I'm getting on a roller coaster, man? Are you kidding? There's throwing up, and then there's like expelling your entire innards. Hey, man, what happened? I was on the roller coaster, man. What the hell did you throw up, man?

What did you eat for lunch? I didn't eat anything, man. That's my kidney. That's my heart. That's my liver. there's my spleen, there's my ovaries, and I'm not even a chick, man. I mean, I threw up so bad, I threw up girl parts. Wow, man.

I'm not good on the roller coaster, people. You know, give me a golf cart and let me roll around on a golf course or something. That's my ride. Put me in your shopping cart when you go for groceries. I'll sit in that front part like a little kid, but I ain't getting on no roller coaster. and these people got their just desserts hanging upside down 150 feet in the air hey you wanted a thrill you wanted a chill you got it man I'll see you in the bat cave you roller monkeys

I'm gonna stay right here standing on my head on old terra firma of a Harland highway All right, big question of the day is how many of you out there listening wear your seatbelt? Think. Always wear a seatbelt. I don't know. Do you, don't you? Do you want to? Do you hate being forced to do it? I guess that's not the point I'm getting at here, but I guess what I'm really getting to is how many of you have almost died just putting your seatbelt on?

And here's what I'm talking about. You know, most people, you know, they get in the car, put on their seatbelt, start up the engine, and off you go, right? But how many of you folks are kind of like me where you get in the car, you start it up, you go, and about a mile or two down the road, you're like, oh, my seatbelt, I better put my seatbelt on, right? But in doing that, you're kind of already in motion,

you're moving, you're driving, and all of a sudden, you're kind of dealing with the seatbelt. You know how first you've got to reach across your chest kind of half-ass backwards. You have to grab the seatbelt as it's kind of hanging on the seatbelt. as it's kind of hanging on the side there and then you grab it and you start to pull it and it's got that instant locking mechanism

so if you pull it too hard it locks and then you got to snap it back and then you've got to pull it back and suddenly it's like you're in a tug of war with your seatbelt right so it's like and you're like good lord just give me my seatbelt right

so now you're got one hand on the steering wheel. You're going down a hill at 60 miles an hour. You're fighting with your seatbelt and you're like, I'm going to die putting my seatbelt on. So then you finally kind of pull it across and you get it almost across, almost across your waist and you run out of slack. And you're like, oh my God, it's just about in the buckle. It's like trying to put on a tight pair of jeans, right? You just can't close that. button you've got the clasp right by the thing in the jiggy and you're just about to stick it in a hole and your seatbelt's about to have intercourse and it won't reach so then you got to slide it all the way back

across and start again and then you finally get it there and then suddenly all of a sudden you do have enough slack and you can't seem to find the little metal end and it won't slide into the slot you keep missing it because it's kind of tucked halfway behind your ass cheek and you're like so now you're looking down and you're trying to make visual contact and your cars you got the one hand and your cars swerving all over the road and you can't see what's coming and basically you almost die trying to put on a seatbelt so that you save your life so I guess my question is how many people have been killed by their seatbelt Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend.

or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland. H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I'm not suggesting you don't wear your seatbelt. Definitely wear your seatbelt. But here's

my advice put it on before you put your car and drive because uh you know seatbelts saves lives but seatbelts kill if you're trying to put them on and and do a juggling act while you're riding down the highway at 90 miles an hour so that's your lesson for today and if you need to go out in your driveway and sit in your car and practice just back and forth back and forth back and click your seatbelt in um and there you go because you know if you don't do it then that stupid little dinger from your dashboard is going to pester you the whole way right that stupid little bell just won't shut up it's like a nagging wife for a cranky husband it's just ding ding ding ding Okay. Ding, ding, ding, ding. All right. Ding, ding, ding, ding. All right.

Seat belts. Maybe I'll put one over my face here, so it covers my mouth, and I can shut up for a little while about it. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Shut up. Ding, ding. Up yours, too. Ding, ding. Oh, you son of them. Well, today is the day. I guess, uh, you. You know, there's always been one topic that's been so hot. I said I would never talk about it on the podcast. But you know what? I decided full disclosure. Today's the day I'm going to talk about it.

So let's get right into it. What the hell? Excuse me. Hello, my name is Olio Dimitri. What are you doing here? I'm selling the ice cream to the... Selling the chocolate nutty buddy ice cream. No, you're not.

I'm trying to do a podcast. You're not supposed to be up here. Roger, what's he doing up here? Maybe you'd like a swirly, fun, orange twister. No, I don't want a swirly, fun orange twister. I don't want a swirly, I don't want anything. Okay? You're not supposed to be up here.

Get out of here. How about an ice cream sandwich? It's a yummy delicious sandwich. You won't find it in the dairy freezer. You're only found it right here on Olio Dimitri. ice cream truck. No, get out. Nutty, buddy, buddy? Don't stop calling me buddy. How about just a nutty buddy? Buddy? Did, stop it.

Look, I'm doing a show. I'm trying to get into a very important topic here. Oh, you're talking about the ice cream. Very important. Funny, fun, fudge, twizzle, fudgy quaggots. There's no such thing you're making it up. Turn that music off. Thank you. Now, I'm asking you to leave or I'm going to call security, okay? You're not allowed to just walk in here and start selling your ice cream. Oh, ice cream, I'm selling the wonderful, I got a nutty-buddy and a peppermint swirl sticky with a yum-yum-y-chum-chum dingle-dingle.

Get out of here! Get out! Chummy, yummy, like, get out! Okay, yeah, that's right. I admit it, I went to see Billy Idol the other night, okay? I went to a Billy Idol concert. Remember Billy Idol from the 80s? The guy was like, he was like the male version of Madonna, right?

And I always liked Billy because he was so cartoony. He was such a big cartoon, kind of an over-the-top rocker dude. He had that great name, Billy Idol, right? You got to love that name. And on top of that, you know, I'm not into guys, but he was a good-looking dude. He played up the whole kind of Elvis, gnarly lip thing, and I always liked Elvis, and it just like he kind of wore his attitude on his face and his body language. And to boot, okay, the guy had kick-out.

pop tunes okay there's people out there they go oh man that's bubble gum music oh that's like anyone could write that oh that's like kid stuff yeah let me see you sit down and write a hit pop tune okay so many songs are written every year how many songs have been written over the decades over the millenniums whatever those are where someone has tried to even get into the top 10 the top 100 okay there is an art to writing a catchy pop tune my friends and uh billy idle has a library of about 20 of them okay think think of the Beatles when they started out you're probably well they're the Beatles they're not pop tunes yeah they wrote like catchy pop tunes okay i want to hold your hand michel my bell only song

you know hey jude all right and that's what that's what rock and rollers do man you should be so lucky to write a pop tune so many people lamb-based people that write pop tunes and discredit them as real musicians look bruce springsteen wasn't really a household name until born in the u s a i'm a hard rocking daddy in the u s a yeah You know, any major artists, you know, look at Lou Reed, you know, Lou Reed, an obscure rocker from, like, the 60s and the 70s. The guy had that one hit, hey, babe, took a walk on the wild side, and the color girls go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, you know. If it wasn't for that song, would anyone really know them? So you give my point, okay, pop songs are important. A lot of you pretend you don't like them.

But you know what? You grew up on them. They're in your heart. They're in your soul. You can put a pin in them as to where you were in your life. You know, I'm sure many of you who made out in a car when you were young can still remember a certain pop song playing in the background when you had that first kiss.

or when you first fell in love or at a picnic or at a party or to dance. Oh, yeah, man. Don't, don't count out the old pop tune, okay? They still will get you going. So anyways, I had to go see Billy Idol, right? And I got to tell you, man, let me tell you where Billy's at, okay? I believe, I don't know for sure. You can go online if you want to know for sure.

I believe Billy is in his fifth. 50s. Okay, I believe he's either 50 or maybe 51, 52. Okay, this guy comes out on stage uh, rips the shirt off. Okay. This guy's got the body of like a 20 year old college dude. He just looked incredible. Okay. The guy's like still ripped. He's got the six pack and, And he's still got the blonde hair. He's got the big white teeth, you know. And on top of that, on top of his look, which he still has, the guy still got his voice.

I mean, he was belting out all his hits. And you're like, okay, I'm sure the voice has slid a little. And, you know, so he went to the gym and he worked out. But you can't, you can't, you know, what are you going to do as your voice gets older? Hello? I don't know if this guy made a deal with the dog. devil or what but the guy looked great he sounded great now here's the part that was a little sad to me and and here's where i was a little weirded out because you know usually if you mix

rock and roll and good looks and kind of a bad boy attitude there's going to be young girls around right so i'm expecting to see you know even though he's you know a few generations removed from today's youth, I just thought that young girls always seemed to have a nose for the rock and roll bad boys, no matter how old they are. And I had just expected to see a whole motherload

of young rock star hungry hoddies at the Billy Idol concert. Well, it wasn't in a giant arena. It was in a smaller stadium, but I have to say the thing was like 90% packed. It was a standing room only thing, no seats. There was a balcony that was packed. The lower level was packed.

And sadly, it was mostly people my age who were 30 and over. Yeah, that's right. I mumbled my age, range. But it was mostly people, okay, I'll say it, probably 30 and over. Okay? So it just goes to show you how pop tunes do stick with people. But I was kind of sad that newer generations hadn't found Billy Because you know what as kind of commercial and poppy as he was and still is

I'd still say he's more fun and more talented than a lot of the crap that's out there today That they dream up in the boardroom, you know At least Billy wrote his own stuff and had his own image and you know Billy started out back in the 70s in a punk band I think he had a punk band called Generation Act or Gen X or something and so he wasn't a guy that was like put together in the Disney

boardroom or the Warner Brothers boardroom he's a you know he's a true rocker and so I thought the girls would have found him but instead he got these kind of yuppies 30 40 somethings

and I hate to say it but a large percentage of them did not realize that two decades had passed since Billy, you know, was at the top of his popularity. So you had some chubbies rolling around and stuff that was way too tight. You had dudes wearing like goth rock stuff that was way wrong. You had hairstyles that were dated.

You had, you know, people drinking and they didn't know how to drink anymore. And you had, oh, it was kind of ugly. A lot of the fans were kind of ugly. But the other thing is, you know, the energy isn't quite the same when you're in your 30s and 40s. So Billy got the crowd going, but it wasn't exactly like people screaming and getting up on each other's shoulders and throwing their shirts. And it was kind of like a respectful like, yeah, after every song, and then it would die down and then Billy would do the next one. but all that being said the guy kicked ass it was a lot of fun i love billy idle and uh you know i love all the moments he gave me when i was a kid when i was in college a lot of memories you know when i

started in my stand-up career um it was scary and i i would i would go to billy for inspiration and energy before i would step on stage i would put my walkman on yeah do you remember that word Walkman, and I would put my cassette tape. Do you know that word? Cassette tape? And I would put the Billy on, and I'd be, like, standing in the mirror and doing the lip snarl. And I'd be like, you know, doing the fist pump and, you know, just lip syncing and singing and getting my energy going. So a lot of good fond memories of Billy Idol. Thank you, Billy, for all the joy, the magic that you brought to me. I hope you keep on doing it.

And if you're young folks listening to this thing, get out and see the guy, man. I think you'll dig him. And I think you'll realize he's one of those guys where he go, wow, he's got a lot of hit songs. I didn't know about that. So there you go. I'm suddenly on Billy Idol's new agent.

But fun experience. And feel free to, you know, call me, leave me a message about one of your favorite concerts or someone you've always wanted to see you can call the hotline at 323-215 1486 and lay me a message down about you know your favorite concert experience right here on Zahaland highway and speaking of concert experiences this weekend all this weekend I'm at the hard rock casino in Fort Lauderdale or Hollywood, Florida. Florida, not Los Angeles, Florida.

There is a Hollywood there. I'm at the Hard Rock Casino. There's an improv comedy club in the complex at the casino there. And I will be there all weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You can go to Harland Williams.com. Click on my schedule. Find out about showtimes. tickets, prices, all that stuff.

And then don't forget, on the West Coast, Saturday, September 4th, my big Erbs Theater Show in San Francisco, tickets are at cityboxoffice.com. That's going to be stand-up and sketch-style comedy. It's going to be a great time. Maybe Billy will show up. I don't know. But nonetheless,

It's concert, concert, concert time. And I hope you had a good time here today on the Harlan Highway. And until next time, my friends, you know what I'm going to say. Chicken Chowman, baby! Tell her the light, me, are you so much to your mind? Oh, name of the neighbor, door to door, don't ask questions, I'm rid of all. Oh, yeah. Face to face, I'm back to back.

You see and feel my sex. Thanks a long time. Say it. Bridge. Lash for fantasy.