The Harland Highway - PODCAST 158 - JUSTIN SCHLEGEL

Episode Date: August 30, 2010

My very funny comedian friend Justin Schlegel is today's guest where we talk about many important and silly things. Be sure to put your face brace on for this one! Sweet mango chutney! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a long, long road. Yes, it is a long, long road. Or is it? It's a long, long highway. Yeah, yeah, it is a long highway. And speaking of long, we haven't had my special guest on the highway for a long time. Well, it hasn't been that long, but we had so much fun with them the last time. I brought them back, and I hesitate to say the name because I always screw it.

Justin Schlegel or Schlegel or Schlagel. He's got one of these weird last names. And yes, I know I'm working on it, but kind of the more I screw it up, the more I say it, and then the more it kind of gets driven home into your head, who he is. But nonetheless, he's here today. We're going to have fun. Let's get into it. Let's figure out his name.

I'll just blur it so I don't screw it up. and I'll just say, ladies and gentlemen, it's Justin Schleggoggle, right here, today on the Harland Highway. I want to be your H-A-L-A-N-D, because you're the only girl that I want to see. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D. Williams, Williams. I've got the side. I've got the chin Come on baby

Pretty baby Let me in Oh thank you I've got the sideburns I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in

Whoa Don't you hate it when you're gone And a hot dog flies Is it a magic Oh Yeah Because I would have been The H-A-R-L-A-N-D

Welcome to the Harland Highway Hey, hey, hey, everybody. You are here with me, Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway. We're rolling. I don't know how long we're going to be rolling down the Harland Highway today because there's a hurricane coming.

I have a very special guest today. He was on the podcast Not too long ago I'm sure you'll remember This very funny gentleman Very insightful Smart Smart gentleman

He's here He's here again For an encore It's the deuce It's Justin Schlegel Schlegel God God damn it

Harlegel It's Schlegel Go with the deuce You know Go with you know Herbert tea lump Casadilla Whatever you need me to be

but no more Schlegel I know Schlegel Schlegel. That's the one It's Schlegel. It's Schlegel. It's like that you're in that song from Laverne and Shirley Uh, Schlegel Schlegelmogel, we're gonna do it

Give us any chance to take it. Slegel's gone, Mike, Mike, and break it. Yeah. Misfrenass his name. Don't they say that at the beginning? Schlegiel, Schlaglazel, Hoff and Fever Incorporate. What is? It's Shlameel Schlamazel. Oh, it is?

And then the glove goes over the bottle. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Slamiel, Schlamazel. Hous and Vemper Incorporated. We're going to do it. Give us any chance. We'll take it. Rist any rule.

We'll break it. We're going to make our dreams come true. Do it all the way. Nothing's going to go. Slemeil. Schlegel. We're going to. We're going to.

I'm wrong. Right out of the gate. I'm wrong on my own show. Wow. Why we can't have nice things, buddy. Wow. This is really a rocky start, but rocks are meant to be climbed, and we're going to climb over this rock, okay? That smells incredible. Yeah. I can't believe it's not bother. But it actually is butter. Let's get to something that, you know, I thought would be kind of cool, and I'm going to give you the music and everything. I'm going to go back.

in and do some uh some post some tech post stuff okay but what i want to hear from you today and i know my listeners do because i've been getting tons of emails on you about this a lot of phone calls people want to hear you and your best news voice your best anchorman voice yeah clear your throat clear your uh your trachea people want to hear you make the the the breaking announcement that it's the end of the world they want to know how it's the end of the world and they want to know why it's the end of the world and you have to do it in that opening segment where you only have about you know 30 to 45 seconds uh to do it but let's go i'm going to put in the the fancy newsroom music and uh i'll cue you i'll give you a

three two on countdown just like they do on tv just bring me in stone phillips yeah here we go are you ready let's make it happen three two one ladies and gentlemen and thank you very much for tuning in again to live CNN continuing coverage of December 21st, 2012. It has come to pass, ladies and gentlemen. Hulk Hogan has continued to grow in size as we've been monitoring for the past few months. And finally, he has reached critical mass. As we reported earlier, he actually dropped kicked Africa clean in half. Hulk Hogan has dropped kicked Africa clean in half.

He's decided to give the big boot to Europe as well as a power bomb to the former. Soviet Socialist Republic, and he has now set his sights on North America. Nothing that the military can do seems to have been able to work. Nuclear deterrence, nothing to do with any type of chemical weapons seem to have had any type of effect. We've used space-based weapon. We've been doing every sort of thing, such as the BP oil spill ship ramming into his ankles as he walks across, and dear God, that's him and the... We need to go. We need to get the... Awesome, awesome.

Yeah. That was good. The only misstep might have been when you said there's no weapon we that can't stop. You turned into Tweety Bird for a second. There's no weapon weed that can stop the poitie twas. There's no other thing gigantic weapon. But that was good, see? I imagine just a gigantic roided up pro wrestler stomping Godzilla-like around the planet.

That's how it is. In 2012, you said. 2012, which, by the way, is going to be WrestleMania 35. Wow. Coincidence? I think not. Wow.

That is like carmic. Yeah. It's the planet's aligning as well as macho man Randy Savage. Wow. Unbelievable. You're wrestling fan yourself? I do not like wrestling. Even as a kid, I knew it was fake.

I never bought into it. I could see guys throw him punches that missed by a mile. I could see guys getting hit, and their head would reverberate for like eight minutes, like a door stop. And I was like, wait a minute. The velocity of that punch does not match the reaction. That guy's bobblehead reaction, you know, just nothing fit. And I was like lost interest immediately. You were known as the kid in your neighborhood that hated fun.

Well, not really because one of our neighbors, their mother had fake breasts. So it's not like I don't like fake. I had a lot of fun with those. And they really reverberated when I'd punch them around. When you punched her in the face, they had a real good jiggle to him. But wrestling, no, I don't want to watch guys. Back in the day when I was a kid, they wore like black, like speedos and. And their bodies weren't good.

No, they were flabby. These days are actually pretty well cut together. But you get a. But that makes it even worse because they're so ripped and muscular. I'm like, you guys are so big and cut. Why are you faking this crap? You could actually combat. one another well hence people's love of of cage fighting in mma in the ufc these days yeah now that i love

that i love the ufc i've been to four live and they're amazing i've interviewed the dude dana white that runs the ufc once and he's hysterical to talk to because he's so gruff and so unrefined yeah to talk to he's not like you know your your your bud seelig or you know whatever commissioner of your sports league or we're going to make some good things happen this year dana white's like I'm going to have two huge white guys beat the shit out of each other. And I'm going to be outside of the cage rubbing one out with a handful of hundreds, probably do a rail off a Danny Glover's ass and then rent out a Chucky Cheese and not let anybody in the ball crawl with me.

Wow. Yeah, that's what I'm into. You know, he's just, he's so balls to the wall gruff. Well, I love it because, you know, I used to be, I like the reality. I like seeing guys having the courage. to step into a ring and know that it's real. And to take a punch and to give a punch. And so I was a big fan of boxing.

But boxing could be a little bit slow, a little bit predictable. You know, it was limited. But when UFC came along and in the early days, I don't think some of them even wore gloves or the gloves were even tinier. Yeah, there was a time before the current company that owns them. It's called Zufa. Yeah. It was owned by this other guy that, I mean, you were doing eye gougal.

and ball punches. Yeah, you can knee people to the head. I've seen old ones where you can pull the hair. Guys were riding horses with sabers around the ring. These days, I mean, it's much more, you know, it's sanctioned and organized and there's a lot of rules, but it's still brutal. It's still hand-to-hand combat, which I find impressive, and it's not just savage.

There's a lot of technique. There's a lot of discipline. And I just, what I was saying is I actually kind of stopped watching Boston. boxing now because I like this stuff so much better. And what I'm really angling towards here is that we get back to the days of gladiators where people can just chop each other up and, you know. I say we get back to the days that have yet to happen with Thunderdome. And we cover the thing in a big cage.

We have a gigantic, retarded guy with a midget on his shoulders telling people he runs barter town. We've got all sorts of shit hanging from the ceiling. We've got a chainsaw, shotgun, an extremely large pulled pork sandwich. Delish, delish. Grab whatever you want and take care of the other man with it. Distract the retarded guy with the sandwich and then grab the chainsaw and split them in half. I say we go one step further and we go right from the Thunder Dome right to Logan's Run. Oh!

Where they just, there's no fighting at all. You just float people up to that giant ceiling fan and they pop. Yeah. I love it. I think you take the loser and you soil it and green them. Oh, Soilent green. Let them watch the deer video while the music plays, and eventually, 38 hours later, they're brunch. All right?

I would love to have some Tito Ortiz for breakfast. How tasty would that be? A little Chuck Liddell hot pocket on the way to work. You don't have time. Hot Pocket, Ladell. All right? Or John St. Pierre, whatever his name is. George St. Pierre from Quebec.

And a burrito or something. Oh, a beautiful man and a great talent. Well, good. And here's something that I want to see if you're talented. talented at go are you ready for a nature quiz here on the harland highway i'm not but i'll take okay well here's how it works here's how it plays i like to do this with my guests here on the harland highway give them a little nature quiz and what i do is i set them up with a little sentence uh and there's a clue in the sentence as to what the animal or the plant or whatever it is and

let's see how you do you're ready for number one fire away all right All right, here we go. I am one of the smallest birds. Sasquatch, next question. Oh, God, what? Yep. How did you... Wait, did you say Sasquatch?

Pretty sure. No, that's not a bird. Sorry. Sorry, I got mixed up. No, this is a bird. Oh, okay, go again. I am one of the smallest birds, but I drive one of the biggest cars. One of the smallest birds.

Yeah. But you drive one of the biggest cars. Yeah, and the clue is somewhere in there. So easy. What? The Toyota Corolla. All right? I actually had a Toyota Corolla fly into my window the other day.

All right. And it reminded me, I need to make a payment on my Hummer. Oh, Schnezzle. Wait a minute. Yeah. What's the bird, though? The humming bird? Oh, look at you.

You did it, kid. You did it. I'm good. I love Scrabble. All right. Right, let's move on to the next one. Shoots and ladders me. I am a dog, but I'm not your standard breed.

I'm very underground. Not your standard breed, but you're very underground. So is it, because I think of, I think of underground, I think of Subway. I think of Subway, I think of Jared. I think of Jared. I think of people I want to punch. So I'm thinking. A boxer?

I'm thinking boxer. Nope. Nope. Because I would never just give you the answer. You should have known him when I said a boxer. I wouldn't give it away. You're terrible at this Harley. You just told me the answer.

Yeah, no. Okay, so this is, it's not a standard breed. I am a dog. Not your standard breed. I'm very underground. Is there like a Eugene Merman dog? Is there a Merman? I'm not sure what that is.

Oh, he's a real, like, underground alt comic. Very hip. Don't know him. Don't even think he exists. I'm thinking, I'm thinking of mutt. I'm thinking like a mutt. Okay. I mean, is that even, it's not a breed.

It's a classification of dogs. So I think of mutt. Okay, okay. I think of underground. I think of missile silo. I think of a little beaver burrow. I think of a, I think of the underground railroad. Interesting.

Interesting. Like a trained dog. Like a trained dog. I have no idea. I can't figure, I think, I think of, I think mutt is all I can think of. underground, but not a standard breed. Yeah. Do I need to give you another clue?

Give me one clue. And if I don't get it, punch me in the throat with your foot. I might be found on one of the flatter areas of the country. You're talking to a guy with three cats, by the way. Yeah, I know. That's why I threw this at you. Thanks.

Because I'm trying to get you out of that mindset. God. One of the flattered. So I think of flat. I think of Kansas. All right. Okay. And what would, uh, what would, uh, is there a technical name for the flat areas in Kansas?

The flat, the planes. Oh, close. Is the, the great, the great Dane, maybe? The Great Dane, the Great Dane, the Great Dane Cook Plain on the way to the Cookville shop where you're going to buy. the spices for dinner? There is another name for the plains? The plains, the prairie dog. Hello!

There you go. My brain feels good right now. The prairie dog. Thank you for the thought massage. It's like you shoved your genius in my ear and gave the furtiloa quick tickle. Oh, my God. Thank you. Prairie dog.

That is the right answer. I don't know how you got it, but you got it. Let's see what else we have here. I think I have one more here. I am a bird. You got the bird one pretty fast. I am a bird, but don't call me crazy because I like water more than the sky. Hey, everybody.

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I'd think a loon? Bingo. Dude, have you ever tried to play trivial pursuit against me? Hey, wait a minute. May that remind you of two words? Prairie dog, okay? Okay, because I was going to say you would probably win, but we tangle in some candy land, sir.

You're hitting the floor like I put some leather on you, George St. Pierre style. You were good. I'm impressed because you, you, you were, came into this very hesitantly, and then you kind of sort of nailed the first one, second one out of trouble, but you came back with a K-O punch right at the end. I like to Bob, weave, play a little possum in the middle,

but then right when you get lax to put your hands down, one on the button. All right, well, let's move on. No more question. Let's give your brain arrest, but maybe not give your brain arrest because this question is about people, and it might be tough on you, but I want to see where you go with this,

because you're insightful. If there's nothing else I know about you And I don't really know anything about you at all I don't even know if you're here right now It's a mystery I want to know from you Where is the future And what do you want to tell people to do

Where is the future Where is the future? Where are we going? What's going to happen? Seriously Where I think the future is going to be Please please I'm going to reference a god-awful 2009 Bruce Willis

sci-fi movie. Did you ever see surrogates? I did not. See the movie? It's a four out of ten. It's a hot couple of farts in a ditch. It's not good. In a ditch. In a ditch. It's sipping on a couple farts in a ditch alone

while your mom tells you don't come home because I never loved you in the first place. Wow. It's bad in other words. But the theme, the arc of it is that in the future, and I believe this, that in the future people never leave their apartments ever and they send out these robotic

surrogates they call them that they control with their thoughts to live life and go to jobs and have relationships for them that if in the event they become damaged, broken and car accidents, no big deal. Your actual physical self is still back in the living room or whatever little hut you live in. Hiding away from life. Hiding away from life and danger and all that. And the reason I say that is because

with the advent and explosion of your social medias, your Facebooks, your Twitters, and video games like World of Warcraft, those games that people live in. I mean, they have another one called Second Life online, that people live their social, in some extreme cases, romantic lives, strictly through these online,

usually computer-based outlets that I think that's going to become more and more prevalent. order you can order pizzas online you can get food you can get groceries pay your rent you can telecommute to work if you wanted to right now you could feasibly not ever leave your apartment or your home and i think eventually in not in the near future but i'd say within a decade or two you'll start to see a class of people that their actual physical selves are never seen by others Okay, there's only one problem with your answer, and I figured this out, you're a tricky guy. I asked you where you thought the future was going, and you told me where you thought a movie with Bruce Willis was going.

And I might not have picked up on that, but I did. What's going to happen in the future, Harland, is he's going to be in Nakatomi Towers, okay, and he just wants to see his wife. Now, this is going to happen because of how popular Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis. In like 10 years, everyone's going to be Bruce Willis. And a bunch of German terrorists are going to take over everyone's apartments, and you're going to yippy, cay, that motherfucker with glass in your feet. Ho, ho, ho, I've got a machine gun now, okay?

Meanwhile, the guy from all in the family is downstairs in his little sergeant outfit, trying to finagle you to come outside to get your mail for real, not the electronic version. And that's where we're going to head, Soylent Green. eating old UFC fighters Wow See that's what I was getting Why you did this big rounder

It's like you were afraid to answer So you borrowed some guy's movie script But you came around It's scary It's daunting to tell me your vision of the future But I'm glad you got there The actual vision of the future I think is going to be terrifying

It is not going to be So you don't have a positive outlook I don't have I don't think there's going to be any apocalyptic Michael Bay-esque cataclysm. I can't relate anything sexually, financially, or emotionally, unless I involve

a director or actor of some sort. Right. Do you want to know how I make love? How? McG. All right. Low quality, a lot of explosions. Doesn't make a ton of money. Terminator Salvation. All right? That's what I do down in the Nether region. Wow. No, I think there's not going to be this massive

apocalyptic, all of a sudden, control, alt delete on society. I think It's going to be a creepy slow rot that if anything does happen cataclysmically, suddenly, it will be some sort of worldwide computer virus or something that shuts down all of the tools we've grown so reliant on. Imagine right now, if you will, your cell phone, email account, and say your Facebook are gone. All of which you did not have is a kid growing up and function perfectly well with. But now, absolute lifelines to other people that you deal with, both personally and professional. But are they?

They are. I mean, if the mushroom cloud goes off in the distance, are you really going to go, oh, my God, I hope I can Facebook Tammy about this? Well, no, that's what I'm saying. I don't think that's going to be, I don't think you'll see the big, you know, the day after or, you know, type action in the background with the Hiroshima cloud. I think if something will happen to take all of our satellite and internet communications offline and we will lose these creature comforts that are now so reliable. I invite that. I want to see human beings get back to survival of the finish. Some chrome magnon.

I want to see people have to. You know what's going to happen in that scenario? The only guy who is going to survive is that Bear Gills guy. It's going to be Bear Grills, the dude from Survivor Man and Marty Stalfield. Wild America. And probably Richard Simmons. Because that guy knows how to, he's got stamina. He will, but he'll be the animal that just shows you his belly to be sensitive.

He'll be hunted because he's oily. He'll be so greasy that no one can catch him. But wouldn't you like to see that? Wouldn't you like to see everything revert and see people get back to a primitive state and just weed out the wusses? Just to kind of do a massive worldwide Darwinism on everything. A Lord of the Flies on the whole planet. The whole thing. Just every last week, thin skin, asthmatic, just overweight, disgusting.

Yeah. You weed them out and then you build back up. You dust off the computers after about, you know, 60 years and all the Primo people that, you know, had the mental and physical ability to survive. It's like nature. It is. You know. It's the reason the wolves. Strong procreate, only the top of the food chain, procreate.

That's why wolves hunt the weakest of the pack. They don't go for the buck. They go for the old fellow with the gimp leg. That's right. And in the wolf pack, the only ones that breed in the wolf pack are the dominant male and the dominant female because they are the strongest, the most powerful, the most dominant. And so they want to pass on that gene. Exactly.

So that's what would happen after a period of great turmoil. Yeah. It would, honestly, kind of clean the dry erase board of humanity on. Yeah. And we would come back to be, I believe, a better people if we remembered the mistakes of the past. Now, if we somehow lost all documentation and start over. Yeah. But here's where my theory fails miserably.

Okay. Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein were not prime physical specimens. No. And look what they contributed. So my theory just fell right through the cracks. Yeah, Stephen Hawkins can move planets with his mind. Right. And so I think we'd rather be stuck with Stephen Hawkins rather than a big guy with a beard

that can lift a couple of logs on his shoulder. We need an intellectual and physical class. We need to have Stephen Hawkins floating in some weird, like, protein-based brine. I can move those logs with my mind. Build me a pyramid shape like an odd. Arby's. Let's go to I-Hop and give me a rooty, duty, fresh, and fruity. I can imagine calculations beyond human comprehension, yet I cannot enjoy ski ball. I am in a wheelchair confined to this contraption, but I am drop-kicking you in the face with my mind.

All I have ever wanted to do was to play foosball with Wynonna. Everybody Wang Chung tonight. wow where do we go i think we are the end of the world me and you you and i are going to have to repopulate unsuccessfully with the stephen hawkins fucking barber shop duo we just did the stephen hawkins mr sadman sing me a song all right we got to get out of this topic man i'm creeped out this is so creepy Let's get to something lighter. Your favorite cereal, Justin, go. Favorite cereal, peanut butter puffs, if I want flavor,

if I want straight health, special K with chocolate bits years ago. Wow. And that's where I leave that answer. No need to keep going. I'm going to turn this thing around. I'm going to let you pick the next topic, but there's a hook. Go. When we start talking about it, we both.

So be careful how you pick. All right. We both, I'm letting you pick it, but the downside is when we start to converse about it, we both have to do it in a Spanish accent. So, all right, so when we begin, which I have not yet. Once you've asked me, and we will begin in a Spanish accent through the duration of this topic. If there is one flavor of ice cream that you could have your faults smell like, if you were able to emit gaseous emanations from your. backside, but it smelled not unlike one of the Baskin

Robbins' flavors. Which one would it be? Oh man, I think I would have to go with a butterscotch, man. It just, I don't know, it's like butterscotch, it's a soft sound, and you know, even if someone

didn't like it, you know, you hear that, then people are like, oh man, butterscotch. It still sounds really nice. It is terrible. But it sounds nice. It sounds nice, but it smells so badly. It smells horrible, man, but it's... It smells delicious.

It is not good. It is not good at all. Hey, man, can I get some butterscotch over here, man? Oh, that's horrible, but it's delicious. If I had to choose a scent for myself... Yeah, what would your scent be, man? Smoors. Smoors.

So if you farted, someone could you give me some smores? And then I would fart again. And all day long, the process will repeat and they never end. Smoor, Smoor, Smoor, Smoor. How do you like it? How do you like it? Smoor, Smoor, Smoor, Smoor. How do you like it? How do you like it? Smoor. How do you like it? Accident in the Bivodes. Hey man, can I get Smoor butterscotch over here, man? You may, senor. Baskin throbbins. Oh, so good. So tasty, so flavorful as it dances across your taste spots. Oh, give me smore, man. Smoor. Smoor, Smoor, Smoor.

I can feel your butterscotch pulsing through my s'mores. Your lips are like fine graham cracker where your face is the chocolate bottle. In your bottom, the marshmallow. May I combine them all into a smore? Man, awesome. Good. And you, my friend, pose a question to me. Well, I can.

I can't go on to another topic. Damn it! Yeah, I can only do, I told you at the beginning. I don't pay attention is the thing. I know. No, but I said I'm turning it around, but you get one topic, and I get one. I can't come out of it and do the Spanish guy. I know, but this is a podcast and things move on, guy.

All right. Wow, I've never seen you get so upset. I'm going to knock something over in a second. All right, let me, let me switch gears, and this is our last little thing because we got to get going. But somebody went to Chinatown today. Yes. You did a little romp through Chinatown. Tell me about that experience.

Get a little hop, skip, and a jump around. downtown and whenever I go to a new place on this earth, I like to go to their Chinatown because it's, uh, it's just such a weird, it's like, it's like a city within the city. Imagine like popping a pimple and cleaning it off only to find another Asian pimple. Wow. And you're like, I got to see what's in there. Nine times out of ten, baby dragon, all right? Yeah, yeah. I walked around town.

I visited all the creepy little shops and stuff like that. someone sold me powdered bull scrotum they said put it in your cocoa i said what will it do they said it'll make your cocoa taste like bull scrotum oh i said okay i'll do that um i will is that like oval tea it's like oval tea it's like scrotting wow right it's not good but i'm going to do it because he was asian he was old and he seems like he's been around for centuries i always find when you go to chinatown and this is for real i you know you walk down the street and they've got a lot of stuff outside on the sidewalk a lot of merchants out front yeah and i always I always feel like they buy a lot of their fruits and vegetables and nuts from Dr. Seuss.

Yeah, it's the weirdest. It's the weirdest fruits and nuts. I've never said it has thorns on them. Can I interest you in a wakily gobbly dougu carrot? It's like it's a carrot covered in fur and glitter. Yeah. And if you crack it open, a bird flies away. Yeah, they're like the crazy.

I'm like, nobody grows these. Where are these from? Are these like Chernobyl, the vegetable garden at the foot of, Charnoble. Some weird three-mile island Zuki that tastes like blood and fingernail clippings, but it goes great in a chamein. I love the knockoff stores, so they've got like the Larry Vatan handbags and the cloach and, you know, whatever knockoff anything. Dolce and Gabbana, yeah, the Flurberry. Yeah.

And you can go in there and then they'll tell you that it's the real deal. Like, is that a real flurberry bag? Oh, yes. Very good price I give you. Yeah. And what's funny is it's the real deal, but it's still only 1199. Yeah, it's 1199. And when you open it up, Magwai, it's $3,000 in Beverly Hills.

But because it's the real deal, they're going to give it to you for $11.99 in Chinatown because it's the real wink, wink, wink deal. The real holy field deal. Thank you for such a good deal on this, Jackie Chan. I'm going to take this out of here and give it. unlovingly to a woman. Well, I'll tell you what, I also get mad when I go through Chinatown. I get a little angry because, you know, I've been in China. I was in Chinatown in San Francisco, which is huge.

And I walked into a store, and I'm not kidding. It was like, I couldn't read the name on the store because it was in Chinese, but it might as well have been called the shark fin store. And I went in and this store was filled to the roof with different sizes of shark fins. And as you know, the method of, you know, cultivating, yeah, it's horrible. And they don't use the shark. They don't use the shark. They use the fin.

And they have a lot of animals and creatures that they decimate for. It's like buying a car for the lighter. Exactly, exactly. Except, you know, lighters can be manufactured on an assembly line. Siberian Taggers, there's only about seven left in the world. But they need to powder the six of them. Yeah. Because, you know, Lee needs a bone.

Yeah, Ling Wong-Hau needs to get his 80-year-old tea bag on. You know what I'm saying? It's terrible. So I do get mad about that. And I hope that generations of Chinese and various Asian cultures coming up as, you know, they realize that the world shrinking and that our species that inhabit the planet with us are getting, you know, more and more in peril that this starts to change. Yeah. You would hope that the new. generation of Asian citizen would do that.

Problem is they don't die. Yeah, that's right. That's the damn shark fins keeping them alive forever. The damn shark fins is creating a thing of Chinese Highlanders. You've got to lop the head off to bring them down. Oh, maybe we should send them some butterscotch and smores, man. Or maybe a smore fart. Do you care for some smore brusely?

Have you ever cut the fins off of butterscotch shark, man? It bleeds nooget. Do you think in China, they have, like, Milwaukee Town? Like, do you think you walk by Shanghai, and there's, like, Buford, Indiana Town where, like, you have just thousands of, like, amazing Asian shopping parlors and stuff? But there's this one three-square block area that looks exactly like the Thunderbird trailer park in Moncton, South Dakota.

Oh, we go to Cleveland Town for dinner. We get hot dog hamburger tonight. Oh, I got a big time move for chewing tobacco in the chicken. Oh, yeah, we're going to have honey garlic spare ribs. Oh, chocolate milk in the pro wrestling. Oh, scrumptious! Oh, we get parking ticket in front of Hootah. Oh, I need high-maintenance of whiteboard at the bingo game.

Oh, B of 47. Wow. Imagine there's probably like a Chinese guy walking through Cleveland Town going, oh, look at this shop all full of chicken wings. Why they cut the wing off all the chicken? Probably just throw chicken away That's so wasteful Chicken running out at great rate

What they think they get bono from chicken wing Terrible So terrible Let's leave I need to go get a shark fin Bagel bite Nice I like the way you said let's leave Because I hate to do this to you

But we do have to leave buddy We are out of time Oh my God We learned so much today We did do a lot of sharing about a Bruce Willis-filled apocalyptic future. I know about different types of birds now.

Yeah, you're pretty good with the quiz. Congratulations. You do win a parting gift, by the way. You're going to fart butterscotch directly. We have some butterscotch in a can for you on the way out. You have a can of butter. We've got scant butter scotch.

Harlan's can butterscotch. Fresh from my body and onto your plate. Yeah, and it's it. We put a plaid wrapper around the can. You have to eat it with a stick. All right. Justin Schlegel. Schlegel.

Shlegel. God, have you thought about changing your last name? Stonerod. Justin Stonerod. Shlegel. Schlegel, man. We're going to do it. Tell the folks where they can catch up with your latest goings on,

where they can find you on the internet. Let them know where they can get to you. Find me on the intellectual web of the net. Funnyjustin.com. That's funnyjustin.com. You could also find me at Twitter at Twitter.com backslash Funny Justin. And if you go to my web page, you'll see links to everything to my Facebook, to my Twitter, to my kick page, contact information shows, videos, and the like. So people should know this, that you are a great stand-up comedian, and which one, which place can they go to to see your touring schedule if they wanted to catch up with you somewhere in the country?

I'm going to give you two links, one of which for the schedule, one of which to blow you. your mind go to funnyjustin.com and just click schedule you'll see all my upcoming schedule yeah now go to google images and we're not going to do this on the podcast no we don't do that dinner yeah go to google images type in justin schlegel that's justin asses and sam c h l e g e l and let me just say enjoy the first image that comes up oh wow it will blow your mind wow butterscotch smores Well, I can't thank you enough, buddy. Thank you for having me. Great to have you.

You had a great time last time, and hopefully we'll do it down the line. And all the best, folks. Make sure you catch Justin out in the world at his clubs on the internet. And thank you for joining us. We had a great time today. Hope you did too. And as always, my friends, until next time, do you want to say it? Chicken chal mane.

baby nice seigneur scotch thank you justin chicken chalman baby we're gone on the harland highway