The Harland Highway - PODCAST 159

Episode Date: September 1, 2010

A collection of silly Willy topics in today's fun time grab bag! Have fun kiddies! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wake me up before you go-go, because I don't want to be standing here doing my podcast solo. No, I don't. That's why you're here. I will not do my podcast solo, and you will go-go to my podcastio. Okay? Here we all are. Welcome to the mothership, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, tadpoles and polywogs alike. Excellent show today, if I do say so myself.

But you be the judge, okay? We're going to be talking about more incredible topics, dimmer switches. I mean, what other show talks about dimmer switches, okay? We're going to be talking about milkshakes, delicious milkshakes. We're going to be talking about the arm wrestling circuit. We're going to be talking about growing old in Hollywood. I think we're going to have a couple of visitors today. some from this dimension and some a lot closer to home.

I won't tell you who, but a few people drop by the old Harland Highway Studio today. We're going to be discussing gas station snacks. You know those little stores full of that junk? We're going to go through that. And we're going to stuff our faces. Yes, we are stuffing our faces right here on the Oso-Stuffy, Harland Highway

You just made a wrong turn Would you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy

Captain's Log, star date 5, 7, 3, 296, 5249, 8, 5, 2, 3, 5, 3, 5, 9, 7, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 2, 5, 5, 2, 5, 5, 5, 2, the Enterprise is lost in the vast galaxy we know as space as we spin through the black, Searching for Planet X-Lore. We find... Excuse me! We find ourselves... Excuse me! Stranded in a black, inescapable... Excuse me, Kirk!

Yes, I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Commander of the U.S.S. Enterprise. What are you doing in my studio yet again? I am commanding the Starship Enterprise in the name of... I don't go into the whole thing. In the name of Starfleet Command. I told you not to go into the whole thing.

This is not the USS Enterprise. We are lost and out of space. We must return to planet X-Nord. There's no planet X-Nord. What's the matter with you? I'm not sure I understand your question. Okay, cut it out. Get the hell out of my chair.

I cannot give up the captain's chair. I am Captain James. State Kirk, Commander of the U.S. I... Stop it! Would you just stop it? I don't know what you're talking about. This is not the USS Enterprise. This is my studio where I do my podcast. Get out.

Oh my goodness. It looks like an enemy ship is approaching the Enterprise. We must engage the enemy. That's not a ship. Clearly, you can see on the monitor, there's a... Big black ship approaching the enterprise immediately from... That's not a ship. That is my black pickup truck, a Dodge Ram pickup truck,

parked in the parking lot outside my studio. We must engage the enemy. Mr. Sulu activate torpedoes immediately. No, do not activate torpedoes? What is wrong with you? Mr. Sulu, fire! Topitos immediately! What are you doing?

Fire, Mr. Sulu. Fire! What do you do? Idiot! Get out of here! I want you out of my chair immediately. You're going to have to pull me out of the chair yourself. Okay, I'm going to pull you out of my chair. No problem.

I'm afraid I'm not going to let you take me by force. Kirk out of my chair. It's not going to happen. Bring it on. Okay, you want to do this the hard way? Let's do it. Here we go. Get out of my chair.

I'm not going to let you. Get your hands off me. I'm the commander of the USS Enterprise. Get out. Ow. Ow. Ow. Moron.

Take that, you little weasel. Okay, enough. Enough, enough, enough. Get out of here. Oh. Get out! Okay, but I will be back soon to command the... Get out! It's not the Enterprise. Gone!

If I could just shoot one more torpedo at your truck! Get out! I had a little bit of a complication on my weekend. I don't mind sharing it with you. I'm not ashamed. I'm a little dim. And when I say dim, I'm talking about I had a complication with my dimmer switch. How many you folks have the old dimmer switch in the house? You know, in the bathroom, in the living room, in the kitchen.

Somewhere in the house, you got one or two or three dimmer switches. And you don't think anything of it. You turn the light on. They're like, okay, I want some light. But then you go, wait a minute. How much light do I want? I've got a dimmer switch here. Do I want this much light?

No, no, no. That's just a little bit too hard on the eyes. Do I want this much light? You turn it back down. Oh, no, no, no. That's a little too dim. Maybe right here I can see the best. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm seeing too much. Maybe right down here. Ow, I just bumped into a table. Ow, I got to dim it back up again. Oh, maybe you're with the day. and she's not that hot. I'll turn it up. Ooh, I'm seeing some things I don't want to see.

I'm going to turn it back down. Okay, now she looks hot again. You know what I mean? Dimmer switches, man. How do you know where to put them? They should be calling anxiety switches. I don't know what to do. I don't know how bright it should be.

I am not sure where to stop. Up down, up down, up down, up down, up down. screw it, I'm going to light a candle. Yeah, that's how simple my life is. The smallest things become a conundrum. And I don't know what that word means, but I think the conundrum is a relative to the cucumber. So I'm going to go pick some and try to simplify here on the Harland Highway.

And speaking of simplifying, Here's a case where something was oversimplified and it led to disaster, okay? Now, you all know by now I'm a junk food guy. I loves me some junk food. Mm, mama. So I got a beef with McDonald's, okay? Here's the thing. I love myself a chocolate shake, right?

There used to be a time and a place when I go to McDonald's, I'd get a chocolate shake everything was fine and dandy it was chocolatey heaven okay but then mcdonald's went along and decided to simplify things and uh they created a device in order to save time they created like this una unah milkshake maker okay it's it's you've seen it's this big silver metal box and it's got one lever on it and you pull on the lever and you press a button and you press a button and then you either get vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry milkshakes. Okay? As opposed to the old way you used to do it, you know,

where you'd open up the freezer with the ice cream, and then you'd have to get the scooper, and the ice cream was hard, so it took a while for the employee to scoop out the three or four scoops and put it in the thing and then go to the fridge and pour in the milk and measure it, and then put it on the milkshake machine maker and then you turn it on and then you got to shake it a little because the ice cream gets stuck and then they got to shake it some more and turn it on again and a milkshake probably takes about I don't know two three four minutes maybe maybe even five minutes to make a good shake so the genius is down at McDonald's you know down in the in the bowels of the McDonald's factory McDonald's research and development. The lads down in their gallows, dreaming up the new McDonald's stuff.

They were standing around in their kilts and their bagpipes and these milkshakes are taken way too long. We've got to do something. We've got to unify the milkshakes, lads. Aye, lads. Right, so what they came up with was this machine where you pull the lever and chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla comes out. Now, here's the problem. All the milkshake flavors come through at the end of the day through the same pipe. Or they're going through the same, you know, machinery, or somehow they're intermingling. Okay?

Because I can't tell you how many times I've gone and got a chocolate shake and it tasted strawberry. Have you had that? Or it tastes vanilla, or you're sucking on this pasty goo, and you're like, wait a minute. What the hell flavor is that? It's not really chocolate. I think I taste some strawberry, but what the hell? What the hell is this? Aye, it's a McAmbiguity shake, lad.

Go ahead, drink it up. You'll never guess what it is, lad. Yeah, you're right. I don't know what it is. What the hell is this new flavor you've come up with? It's pretty hard to screw up chocolate, okay? Chocolate is a pretty definable flavor, and it's delicious, by the way.

I don't need hints of strawberry and vanilla and metal. And strawberry is a very strong, fruity, distinguishable flavor, right? Strawberry, okay? And vanilla is vanilla, but it's still got flavor. So what I'm griping about is here's McDonald's making this machine to simplify everything. Because time is money, right? You know, this machine takes about, you know, six seconds to make a milkshake versus the traditional way, which, like I said, could take four or five minutes.

But the price to pay here is that your milkshake tastes anything but the flavor you've ordered. It's like, picture a box of crayons and some kid getting a piece of paper and scribbling a circle on the paper and using every color from the crayon box. And you're like, what the hell color is this? I don't know. It's just the color. Yeah, but what? It's just a bunch of colors.

Just hang it on your fridge and enjoy it, you freak. Well, you're a bratty little kid. Up yours. Sucked my crayons. Wow. So if McDonald's is listening, okay, knock it off. I don't buy your shakes anymore, man. They're a huge disappointment.

I don't need me an ambiguous sheds. shake, okay? I want to know what flavor I'm getting. I mean, it's bad enough that your shakes are probably fake to begin with, like the odds of there being any, like, real milk or dairy product in there. I'm sure I'm drinking some kind of asbestos or plastic or something. I don't know. I'm just hazarding a guess. But that in itself is bad enough, but then again, you screw up the flavor. Come on, guys. Get your kilts out of a twist. um so there you go sometimes simple is too simple and you know that's the that's the gripe i get about this podcast sometimes it's like harland your podcast is so simple we are worried about you should we all

pool our money together and buy you a helmet no why don't you just empty out that shake container and put that over my head. Thank you, and good night, Cleveland. Whatever that means. Okay. I was watching sports on the weekend. You know, on the telly, sitting in front of the old telly with my golden retriever and my two Swedish models

and my Orville Redenbocker popcorn. This thing comes. where it's professional arm wrestling. These guys with these big fat arms looking all tough and mean and they look like they could like walk through a wall and bend a bus in half. And I'm waiting for something to happen.

A big brawl, a throwdown, a cage match, something. And they step up to each other looking all mean and sweaty and angry. And then they're like, hey, man, I can bend your... arm down farther than you can bend my arm down. Huh? Hey, everybody.

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Don't throw your back out. Wait a minute. I'm going to sit here and watch two like bulked up beefy guys hold hands for a little while spend like 10 minutes getting their elbows in place like that's hard to do just put your elbow on the table dumbass wiggle your fingers and your thumbs

and try and get the right grip and then go ooh I'm bending your arm no I'm bending your arm no I'm bending your arm no I'm bending your arm oh my God I've touched your arm to the top of the table oh my god you're out wow a tk o knocked out in the first round ooh his knuckles touched the top of a coffee table oh my god what action what drama i haven't seen a knockout like that since tyson entered the ring oh my god what's next foot wrestling sponge bath fights

competitions? I don't know. I think I'm going to go knit a sweater or something, man. Yeah, I got my hand ready to wrestle, except I don't need to hold yours. What I do is I just crank up the middle finger. There you go. I think I won that arm wrestle. Right here on the Harland Highway. Okay, so are you ready for the only in Hollywood file? Are you ready for this? And maybe it's not only in Hollywood, but I think it probably is, okay? I was invited to a birthday party last night, okay, little shindig. You know, they had the back part of a bar cordoned off and all the friends and associates and all the partygoers were there to celebrate this girl's party.

I actually didn't know her, a friend of mine who knew her, invited me to the party. So, you know, I was kind of crashing it. But, you know me, I'm an observer. I'm always watching. And when I got to the party, it became evident that most of the cats there were like from the Hollywood acting community, right? So a lot of pretty girls, a lot of handsome guys, you know, probably a lot of egos swirling around in the air. And, you know, but overall a great group of people. everyone was having fun, you know, good camaraderie, everyone was having a laugh, having a drink, you know, that type of thing.

And all of a sudden, you know, about an hour and a half in, the cake comes out, okay? And it's the birthday of this girl, who I don't know, very cute. I couldn't tell you how old she was. I would have said maybe 25, you know, long kind of sandy brown hair, blue eyes. You know, she looked good. She was in good shape. She was there with her boyfriend and, you know, all her buddies. So the cake comes out.

We all sing Happy Birthday. I actually had to kind of mumble through her name because I didn't know what I was like. You ever do that? You're at someone's party and you're like, Happy birthday to Alice Jim, Bill. I do you. Happy birthday, dear. someone

Happy birthday to, you know. You always feel like a dillweed. You know, you're singing, you're celebrating someone's life who up until a minute ago you didn't even know existed. Kind of weird, right? So here we go. They put the cake down on a table,

and for the first time I kind of get a look at the whole thing. And it's a vanilla cake. icing and uh you know right across the top where the candles are it's like happy birthday adrianna um happy and then here's where it gets funny the age was written somebody you know the baker whoever prepared the cake wrote her age and it was three something okay and here's what happened in hollywood in the middle of the cake the number next to the three there was a little square cut out of the cake from top to bottom. Like if you were hiking across the top of that cake, if you were an elf, you would fall

down into the bottom of the cake. You'd hit the cake tray below, okay? So, yeah, that's what happened. Somebody didn't want anyone to know their age, because in Hollywood, right, age is the enemy, right? The older you get, the less work maybe you get, or that's the theory. I don't know if I buy it, but, you know, it's definitely a youth-oriented marketplace down here. So, you know, sure, there's a segment of the industry that plays to the youth,

but I think there's enough room for everybody. But that being said, people get paranoid here about getting old. So this person was clearly like 30-something. So she might have been 30. She might have been 34. Who knows. But as far as I know now, she was 3. okay this full-grown beautiful voluptuous woman and it's at happy birth happy three adrianna

because she she cut out the number oh boy wow so there you go that's kind of uh that's kind of the hollywood game people play you know um and speaking of age this this bid is getting isn't it? I've been rambling on about it for a while, so why don't I just take the knife out, cut a hole in the middle of this bit, and why don't we move on to something new? So let's get into a topic that this was one that you folks wrote to me about. I never wanted to get into this topic, but I guess it's something you folks who listen to the show wanted to get into. So I guess I'll crack this egg open. And let's talk about...

Hey, Harland. Oh, excuse me. Hi. It's Rosa Louisa. Oh, my God, the cleaning lady. How are you, Rosa? I'm good. How are you?

Fantastic. I guess, yeah, I guess I'm working a little bit late tonight, and did you need me to move around? Well, I was actually just kind of waiting for you because I have the keys to the building tonight, so I have to lock up. Oh, you want me out of here? Well, I mean, you don't have to get out of the whole building, but, you know, you could just move your whole little area down to the lobby for a minute while I'm kind of locking up if you want. The lobby. Why would I go down to the lobby? Because I'm going to be in the lobby? Okay.

Your little cleaning outfits seems a little shorter than normal, Rosa Louisa. Well, you know me. I like to cut it off a little bit shorter every week, so no one really notices. But I do it for you, Harvard. Yeah, I'm in the middle of a podcast. I don't think I can go down to the lobby. Can I just tell you that they got this whole new camera system put in the lobby? So if you go behind the front desks, you see that they have cameras that shoot from every angle. So I just thought that we could, you know, use Mr. Security Man's handcuffs. Rosa, Louisa.

Oh, come on, don't tell me that you haven't seen the handcuffs. and... Does the janitor's union know you're wearing high heels like that on the job? I think the whole building knows that I'm wearing high heels like this. But I was just thinking that we could try out the sofa with the cameras

and the handcuffs and, you know, that welcome mat on the front like right where you walk in, I just... I don't know, ever since I started working here, I had some fantasies about what that welcome had really meant. Okay, we've... I've got to take a break, Rosa Louisa.

Thank you. I'm going to have to pass on your gracious invitation. We are taking a break. We'll be right back after these messages. Are you serious? Every angle? Yeah, every angle. It's like it shoots from like 25 different angles.

Does it have a zoom? Yeah, it has a zoom. It has like, you know, you can do all kinds of fun tricks. Oh, my God. Hold on. We're still recording. Hold on. whoops uh pardon the uh intrusion there folks that's uh our our uh rambunctious uh cleaning lady here at the studio

rosa louisa and uh yeah i was i was just playing along i wasn't uh that that was yeah i was uh i was just uh goofing goofing with her. Okay, so let's keep moving along here. Let's clear the cobwebs and let's keep moving right along here, shall we? Okay, I think it's fair to say that. How many of you have stopped to get gas at the gas station? And, you know, your tanks filling up, and you look over and you're like, you see the little, like, convenience store, the variety gas station variety shop there, right?

And you're like, oh, look at that. Okay, maybe I'll go in and get a little snacky, little snackerama, right? So you go in and, oh, God. you know you go in and there's the weirdest collection of stuff right you look in the fridge part there's like everything from cream soda to chocolate milk to sparkling lemon water to uh you know country time lemonade i mean there's ginger ale it's just everything you can imagine in there right so you end up grabbing a couple you know you get a blue gatorade and a uh a mouth mountain dew and a water to wash it all down.

And then you go over to the shelves and they got the tiny size pringles. And they got the sunflower seeds and the cinnamon danishes and the mini donuts and the chocolate bars and the chocolate bars alone are a mind screw. You know, have you noticed the Reese's line lately? You know, the guys that initially just made Reese's peanut butter cups. okay go look next time you're in one of those stores go look at the lineup or you know of the plethora of uh rea's products now they went then they went to rea's pieces now there's a rea's pieces crunchy twix bars there's reese's pieces pudding cups there's rea's pieces uh dark chocolate

there's rea's uh peanut butter sandals i mean there's everything it's unbelievable and you know trademark orange wrapper. I mean, half the shelf now is dominated by Reese's. I'm starting to wonder, am I pumping gas out into my truck out there? Is that Reese's peanut butter and chocolate going into my engine out there? Right? And then you got like pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds and corn chips and funions. And then there's a lottery ticket and there's ice cream sandwiches.

and there's an ATM and there's, oh, God, there's so much stuff in there, but it's all in such a small area. You feel like you've got to buy it all, especially if you're on a road trip, right? Then you walk out and you've got all this crap, there's crinkling around, and there's wrappers all over your truck. And now you're spitting sunflower seeds shells all over and pumpkin seeds and the inside of the glazed cinnamon Danish wrapper is blowing around except it's coated with a lining of sugar and icing and that's like sticking to your

radio and your windshield and your console wow yeah it's it's pretty kooky man it is pretty kooky the whole uh the whole darn uh you know gas station variety store place so there you go i don't know why i'm talking about just because i'm in there so much in a confusing me, and it entices me, and it seduces me, and I wondered if you had the same experience as I did. But probably not, because you're probably a lot more normal than I am. Yow! Well, it looks like we are at the end of our show today, folks.

The variety has ended. There's no more pringles or sunflower seeds to be had here. We are closing up the shop. but that doesn't mean it's the last you'll see of me. If you listen to the Adam Carolla podcast today or tomorrow, one of the two, I'm recording it later today, so I'm not sure if he plays it tonight or tomorrow, but check out Adam Carolla's podcast so you can hear the kid. And then if you want to see me live, this is the big weekend coming up in San Francisco, folks.

September 4th, Saturday. It's the Erbs Theater in San Francisco, California, amazing show, full-on stand-up show, followed by a full-on sketch improv show. No other comedian brings you both. Just me. Check it out. And then if you're on the East Coast, the following weekend, September 9th through the 12th, I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio, the Pickwick and Frawlick Club,

incredible comedy club down there. and please come and join. Check out Harlem Williams.com for your ticket information at Cleveland, Ohio, hilarities, pickwick, and frolic comedy club. It's going to be a blast. And speaking of blast, I got a blast off. Hope you had a blast here today. Thank you for coming along for the ride.

Love having you here. And we will talk to you very, very soon. And until that time, my friends, there's one thing I forgot to mention that's in the gas station convenience store. There's always a big plate of chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.