The Harland Highway - PODCAST 160.mp3

Episode Date: September 3, 2010

Serious stuff and fingernails too - sweeeet honey mustard cornbread! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Carry on my waywood, son. There'll be podcast when you are done. Well, we're never done here at the Harland Highway. We just keep carrying on. And today is an interesting show, folks. Today you get to see a little bit of another side of the old Harland Highway. And I hope you'll stick it out. You'll listen.

The first half of the show is a little more serious. But I think it's a topic worth discussing. I'm very passionate about it and I hope you'll sit through the first half of the show hear what has to be said. I'm trying not to be preachy. I'm trying not to be your daddy, but I am offering up some fodder for you to listen to, interpret, and make your own decisions about. Obviously, I'm alerting you to a topic you might not have been aware of. So maybe you learn something and maybe it causes you to jump into action, but at the very least, I urge you to just have a listen

and make up your own mind. But then we get into the funny stuff again. We're going to be talking about something really important, your fingernails, okay? And then we're going to switch gears to something that's a pain in the butt. Yeah, it's Friday. Dr. Ascot is here,

and I'd like to give him the middle fingernail, if you know what I mean. But here we go. Serious and funny here. the harland highway you just made a wrong turn would you kindly shut your mouth onto the harland highway

oh it's lovely it's just lovely the harland highway hi harland i'm teddy robspin and i'm your friend riding down the harland highway i'm not your daddy Okay, today is a good day. And here's why it's a good day, because today is a day that I'm going to urge you to make a difference.

Okay? And this is pretty wild because in order to do this, I'm going to do some racial profiling. Yeah, that's right. I know it's politically incorrect, but screw you. I'm doing some racial profiling to get my point across and hopefully this is a day where you folks can make a difference okay so here's where I'm going to start off this might be a little long so stay with me please

first thing I want you to do is if you get a chance TiVo or rent or Netflix a documentary called Shark Water okay it's an incredible documentary it's both beautiful and shocking at the same time basically it is uh it was made by a documentary filmmaker a diver who spent his whole life dedicated to the study of sharks and uh he uncovered this world that is not unfamiliar we know about it but uh nobody's really investigated it that much he uncovered this world of a thing called shark finning And what it is, it's these people, these fishermen, they lay out these 60-mile-long fishing lines with hooks on them, and they indiscriminately catch sharks and sailfish and turtles and all these unsuspecting sea creatures.

But what they're really after is sharks. So a lot of these other creatures just die in the mix, dolphins and sea turtles and tuna. and sailfish but mostly they hook on to sharks and I think there's something like 160 hooks hanging from the 60 mile line and they just drag it out there and they pull in hundreds and hundreds of sharks

and what they do is they haul them up they cut the fins off them they cut the dorsal fin they cut the pectoral fin they cut the tail fin they cut every fin they can find on this beautiful creature and then they kick it back into the sea, kicking and screaming and writhing in agony, and this finely-tuned predator of the deep,

this immaculately put-together machine of stealth and grace and beauty is incapacitated. It's as if someone pulled your child out of the back of the station wagon or somebody pulled an athlete off the track just before he was about to run, cut his arms and legs off, and then put him back on the track and said, okay, go. That's what they do to the sharks. They basically cut their fins off so they become immobile,

and they flap around in the water, and they slowly sink and slowly die. And if that's not sick enough, and believe me, when you watch shark water, you're going to see repeated scenes of this. So be warned, it's fairly graphic, okay? But you need to be aware of it. You need to see it.

And what's sicker than the actual harvesting of these sharks is the reason it's being done. And here's the reason, okay? And here's where the racial profiling begins. And it's not a racist thing that I'm doing. It's based on a cultural thing, okay? the Asian cultures, the Chinese and the Koreans and the Japanese and various Asian cultures. And if I'm lumping some of you in that don't do this, I apologize.

And if you do do it, shame on you because here's what happens. They have a delicacy in the Orient called shark fin soup, okay? And what it does is it's almost like a chicken noodle or pork or beef-based broth, and they put the shark fin in it for texture, okay? So they don't really need the shark fin. The shark fin does not provide the flavor. But there's a stigma attached to sharks because, you know, they live long lives and they've got great immune systems, and they're powerful,

and they, you know, it's believed that they are immune to certain cancers, which the movie disproves. They do get cancer, just like everything else. But people in Asian cultures believe that by eating the fin or ingesting some of the shark, the power of the shark, in turn, will transfer into them. Like hocus, like magic, it's ridiculous. It's a ridiculous notion.

And even if it did, it doesn't give. anybody the right to slaughter all these helpless animals. Okay, so when I say I'm racially profiling, it's for a good cause. It's not a racist cause. What I guess I'm doing is I'm reaching out to Asian people who might be listening. Or if you have an Asian friend, bring up this topic, because this is primarily where shark fins end up, is in the Orient in Asian countries,

And so that's why I'm targeting these places Because that's where the activity goes to That's where the money trail, the paper trail The shark fin trail leads to Okay, people aren't eating shark fin soup in Sweden Or Canada or the United States or Australia Or Pakistan or India And if they are doing it, believe me, it's very limited, okay?

The bulk of it is happening where I mentioned So if you're Asian If you're old, but probably if you're young, because sometimes you have to institute change through the youth. What I want you to do is research shark family. What I want you to do is research the industry. I want you to research the medicinal properties of the soup as to which scientists prove there is nothing there. And more than that, just watch this movie. Watch Sharkwater.

I encourage you if you're your Chinese or any persuasion that indulges in shark fin soup, sit down and watch, watch this movie, and pass the movie along to other people in your family from your culture. And really start to educate people on how horrific, how cruel, how unkind, how inhumane, the practice of finning sharks is you know maybe that the youth the Chinese youth could start a movement

could educate the older people could help really bring about change bring about stopping this horrible, horrible practice just so you know millions of sharks are killed each year and as you know sharks are the top

predator in the ocean. So when you take the sharks out, you're really sending the whole ocean out of whack, okay? Sharks have been around for billions of years. They're one of the few the few creatures that survived the whole, you know, all the changes that have gone on in the earth, the volcanoes and the meteors and the ice ages and the extinction of dinosaurs. Sharks have made it, man, but in the last hundred years, you know, these guys make it like, you know, 20 billion years and in the last

hundred years, when humans have really industrialized fishing and started, you know, catching schools of fish in mass quantity, the shark population has dropped severely,

dramatically. I don't have the numbers, but I think it's something like 90% In the time that I've been talking, statistically, it's probably safe to assume that maybe 8,000 sharks have been killed around the world. Their fins cut off and tossed in the water. And you're like, well, I don't like sharks. Sharks are man-eaters.

Sharks are ugly. Sharks are gross. Sharks are... They'll eat you, so we should kill them. You know what? I'm not going to blab on about it. Watch the movie. Watch the movie and watch how they dispel all the rumors about sharks.

Watch how they show how intelligent sharks are. Watch how they show how sharks do fear humans. Watch how they show how sharks have certain feeding patterns. They eat certain things in their diet. And most sharks, it does not include humans. I can go on and quote the whole movie. I'm not going to do it. I want you to watch it.

But what I really want to happen here is watch the movie and you know if you want to make a difference in this world maybe draft a letter and send it send a letter to Congress send a letter to the president send a letter to the Department of Fisheries how much time would it take you let's put it together let's say a whole year

let's look at your life as one year people if you could sit down and write a heartfelt letter and send it to the fisheries or somewhere. I don't know. You'll have to do a little research and tell them how displeased and tell them how much you want finning to stop.

And then you passed that letter, you emailed that letter along to someone else and educated them. And wouldn't it be nice to be the start of a whole movement and be at the beginning of a movement to know that you're doing something good, that you're saving a species? Wouldn't that be nice? Remember when they butchered whales to the bridge of extinction

and the people raised their voices and that practice stopped? Although, of course, wouldn't you know it? Again, I'm not trying to be a racist person here, but the Japanese are still wailing at, you know, like gangbusters. The Japanese are slaughtering dolphins. By the way, that's another documentary you might want to watch called The Cove. It won an Oscar last year. And that's about the rounding up and slaughtering of hundreds of thousands of dolphins in Japan.

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I don't want to tell you what to do. I don't want to be preachy. I'll tell you what, why don't you watch Shark Water as a suggestion? Because I don't want to shove anything down your throat. I know I don't like that. Just because I like sharks and I like the movement about trying to save sharks, doesn't mean you do. So I'm not going to be that guy. I would just encourage you or suggest a friendly suggestion, watch Sharkwater.

And you make your own decision. And let's see if everyone listening in a friendly way can encourage people of Asian persuasion to try and make a difference. Let's see if we can make a difference as people in our lifetime, as our generations here, or everyone listening to this podcast, let's see if we can make a difference. Can you imagine people, for those of you who are young or have children? Can you imagine if your children or your grandchildren one day look at you and go, Daddy, what's a shark? When did sharks live?

Were sharks really that bad? What did sharks do? Can you imagine depriving a child of the beauty, the wonderment, even the fear? that a shark instills even though they're not necessarily the bad creatures we think they are and even worse how about this well what happened to sharks

daddy well son we uh what happened daddy why aren't you telling me well uh me and my generation yes we would pull the sharks up out of the water yes you know 12 15 20 foot sharks oh sounds beautiful we pull them onto the boat

son yes and we would get a razor sharp knife oh wait what and we would cut all their fins off and we would kick them back into the ocean and they'd sink to the bottom and wiggle around until they died ah daddy no can you imagine why did you do it daddy well so we could have our soup son what do you mean your soup well our shark fin soup i mean isn't this pathetic isn't this ridiculous unbelievable so there you go uh i want you to hear a few little snippets uh from the movie hopefully it inspires you to uh to check it out get shark water and then when we come back i'll have a final thought and then we'll move on here it is uh some sound bites from Sharkwater, the movie.

You're underwater, and you see the thing that you were taught your whole life to fear, and it doesn't want to hurt you, and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. And your whole world changes. The one animal that we fear the most is the one we can't live without. Nature created them for a reason. Now, human being just, they don't care. There's no campaign like a Greenpeace campaign to save the sharks. There's a scourge in the ocean, and everyone should go and catch one. Future generations are going to think of us as barbarians.

I needed to know why people were killing sharks and what I could do to stop it. So I embarked on a journey that would change my life forever. So there it is. There's a little teaser. I hope it inspires you to see the movie. And you're probably sitting here and going, Harland, isn't this the Harland Highway? Where's the goofy, funny stuff? Well, you know what?

This highway is about all kinds of things. And you know what? Sometimes you've got to just put the laughs to the side for a few minutes and focus on something that really has importance. And, you know, this is an issue that once you see the movie, I think it will get under your skin and get into your heart. And I hope it kind of pushes you to do something. And I'm using this podcast as a way to reach out to more people

so that they in turn can push people and so on and so on and so on until we stop this thing. Because at the end of the day, it's all about guys trying to make some money. And it is sick. So there you go. I am going to get on to our regular fare. I hope you don't mind that I kind of raised your awareness to that. But, you know, see if you, yes, you, I'm talking to you. Don't look around.

I'm talking to you. See if you can do something that helps save the sharks. see if you, yes you, can make a difference. And here we go. We are still going down the Harlan Highway. Let's raise the mood a little bit and let's get into some chuckling. Yes, everybody, you're on the Harland Highway, the only place to be. And I want to talk to you about pain.

there's a certain type of pain that really is a pain I think you've all experienced it quite by accident I'm sure but you ever jam something up under your fingernails oh like you're out gardening

and a thorn from a flower or a rose or a stick or a twig goes right up under your nail Oh, you're reaching into your back pocket to get that hotel key And somebody's business card just happens to be back there And that goes up under your nail Or the hotel key goes up under your nail Out

Or you're sorting through some file folders Goes right up under your nail Let me see, one, two, three Ow, ow, ow, ow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And suddenly you feel like you're in like some kind of Vietnamese prisoner of war camp. Yeah, not fun, people. So watch your nails, keep your cuticles clean,

and do yourself a favor and don't hurt yourself. Okay, we don't want you to torture yourself. That's why you listen to the Harland Highway. yeah and you know what else is a giant pain probably the biggest pain in my butt on this planet is yeah i think you know where i'm going with this it comes around every friday i have to do an on-the-air sit-in with the uh the therapist provided by the powers of the bee that run my podcast because they're worried that I've got a nut loose. They're using it as kind of a legal disclaimer, if you will.

So in order to make sure that I don't go beyond my boundaries, I have to do this on-air therapy session, and I hate it. This guy's an idiot, but here we go. It's Friday. Let's get into it with Dr. Ascot. Oh, brother. Hello, Dr. Ascot.

Hello, Arland. What are we doing today? Arlen, today, I brought a little friend with me. What do you mean you brought a little friend? In my briefcase, Arland, I have a little friend. What are you talking about? Let me show you, Arlen. What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is that? This is Bunny McCuddle Snuffs. What? Bunny McCuddle Snuffs, Alland. Bunny McCuttle Snuffs. You've got a puppet on your hand of a rabbit? Don't call it a rabbit, Holland. It's Bunny McCuddle Snuffs.

No, I'm not going to sit here. What are you doing with the Bunny McCuddle? Cuddle stuffs. What do you do? Why do you have a rabbit on your hand? You're a therapist, for God's sakes. And today we are going to use Bunny McCuddlestuffs to help you break through to some of your childhood traumas. What are you talking about? What is this Sesame Street?

Holland. How in the hell does this work, Asgard? I can't wait. I'm going to go ahead. Tell me. Holland, sometimes it is hard for an adult to communicate with another adult about childhood traumas. Childhood traumas. Childhood trauma. Stop saying it, I get it. Childhood traumas. Trauma.

Stop it! So in order to let the individual communicate more freely, more openly, sometimes it's best that they communicate with something from their childhood, an image, or something that gives them a sense of comfort and safety. and so now I'm supposed to sit here and talk about my painful childhood to chubby mccuttle buns not allan well I don't know what his name is bunny mcuddle stuffs okay bunny mccuddle flops I don't so you you want me a full grown man to sit here and talk to your dopey rabbit

Allan, it's not a rabbit, it's Bunny McCuddlestuffs. All right, Bunny... Let's get this over with. All right, Arland. Let's turn it over to Bunny McCuddlestuffs. Oh, this is going to be ripe. Hi! Excuse me?

Hi, I'm Buddy McCuddlestuffs. What the hell are you doing? Holland, I'm not here anymore. You're here with Bunny McCuddlestuffs. Oh, my God. Hi. Hello. Are you serious? Hi. Hi, Bunny Stuffs.

McCuttle Stuffs. Bunny McCuttle Stuffs. Thank you. How are you today? I'm good. I'm not really good. You probably have a lot of old painful childhood memories, don't you? Oh, my God. Let's stay focused, shall we? Oh, my.

God, stop saying God, that's blasphemy. Ah, tell me your childhood pains. When I was a kid, I didn't get the Christmas presents I wanted one year, and I got mad, and I lashed out, and I threw a full cup of water, and it hit my mother. Oh, my goodness, that's almost hateful.

That's rageful. Yeah, I know what it is. I was angry. I was a kid. Well, maybe you better. or take this carrot. What do you mean, take your carrot? Take the carrot out of my little buddy McCuttle stuff, pause. Are you serious? Take the carrot.

I'm not to... Oh, let me take the carrot. Oh, my God. Give me the carrot. Now, what I want you to do is a punishment. I want you to stab yourself in the forehead with the carrot. What are you talking to it? I'm not stabbing myself in the forehead.

Do it. In the forehead with a carrot. Do it, you little bitch. Excuse me? You heard me. Stab yourself in the forehead with the carrot. It's payback time, bitch. All right, Ascot.

Knock it off. Alland, I'm not here. It's Bunny McCuttle stuff. How the hell to stabbing myself in the forehead with a carrot? Clear the slate. Allent. Allend, just do it. See, now you're getting mixed up, Ascott.

No, I'm not. Who are you talking? to. I'm talking to my ridiculous therapist sitting over there with his hand up your ass, Bunny Mc... Stop it. Put the carrots, stab it in your forehead to release the pain. Okay, if that gets this over with, fine. I'm going to do it.

Do it. Okay. Do it now. I'm doing it. Do it! Ah! God! God, that hurt more than I thought. They're pointed little bastards, aren't you? they? Yeah, you know what they are? And I'm going to use this next one to put through you, right in your chest. Oh! Oh! Stop it! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Make them stop, Dr. Ascotts! Oh! Oh! Oh, it hurts! Ah! Ha ha ha ha! How's that, Bunny McCuttle Stuffs?

Holland? What? You've killed the rabbit, Holland. Oh, there are you? Now it's a rabbit. You've killed Bunny Mcuddle Stuffs. Good! It is good, Arland. Oh, now you're agreeing with me, it's good? Yes, Arlen, by killing Gald's Miss Buddy Spluffs. There, you don't even remember his name anymore. Holland, it's a lot of trauma in the room today.

Okay, get on with it. By killing Bunny McGuddlestuffs, you in essence killed the painful memories, you see, so the therapy has been a success. Arlen Well You know what I guess yeah I do feel a little lighter And I do

I do feel A little Yeah maybe this time you did it ask Maybe that stupid puppet worked Excellent Holland Now have you ever had any sexual Frustrations Holland Why would you ask me that

Because I have another Puppeteer Holland Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Have you ever had any interaction with homosexuals, Arland? I want you to say hi to Billy. What kind of puppet is that? This is Billy Allen.

Billy say hello to Allum. Hi. Why have you got a puppet of a little pink bald man with an erection on your hand? I don't know. Why does he? Stop talking to me like that. Get out of here. Ooh, getting angry.

You out! Colin, talk to Billy. Get out of here, you creep! Wow, you've got some anger issues. Come on over here, let me rub your shoulders. Get out! How about a bun blaster? Get out of here!

Wow, that guy gets creepier and creepier. Billy and Buddy McCuggle stuffs or whatever it was. Good Lord. What a dillweed. I got to figure out how to get that guy fired, man. I'd like to be a fly on the wall in his place. Ew. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Well, speaking of ooh, here's something that's not ooh. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, next weekend, okay, at the Pickwick and Frolick, Hilarities Comedy Club. So if you live on the East Coast, you're living in Ohio, come on out and check me out. You go to Harlan Williams.com, check it out. And if you're on the West Coast, San Francisco, baby, okay, where there's sharks circling in the bay.

I am at the Erbs Theater. Tomorrow night, Saturday night is the big stand-up slash improv. show. It's going to be great. Me and some of my friends doing stand-up and improv. You're getting both disciplines on one show. Nobody gives you that, but me, the kid, okay? It's going to be a blast. Get your tickets at cityboxoffice.com or go to harlandwiliams.com and get all the information there.

Cityboxoffice.com. San Francisco, Saturday, September 4th, tomorrow night. be there once again thank you for listening to my ramblings about the shark movie shark water

it's just hard for me to sit by and watch these innocent creatures get slaughtered it's akin to when you see footage of baby seals getting smacked in the head with clubs so women can wear fur coats it's just senseless

destruction So thank you for indulging me. Again, in closing, I urge you to at least go see the movie. If it stops right there, so be it. But if it inspires you to make a difference to try and do something to start a movement, to write a letter, to tell a friend, to encourage people who eat shark fin soup to knock it off and just go buy a can of Campbell's Bean and Bacon, it's just as good.

So be it. Okay? So there you go. I'm glad you came along for the ride. And outside of making you laugh, hopefully, you know, I said something about the shark stuff that makes a difference in the world because we're all here and we can all make a difference. So until next time, my friends, watch out for Buddy McCuttle Stuffs.

And we will catch you next time on the Harlan Highway. Chicken chow main, baby. Future generations are going to think of us as barbarians. I needed to know why people were killing sharks and what I could do to stop it.