The Harland Highway - PODCAST 162

Episode Date: September 8, 2010

Tiger Woods divorce, the names of the United States, special drop ins from a hard rocker and the cleaning staff, and what's happening to the porno industry? Sweltering thumbtack sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Baby, baby, where did I love go? So deep inside me, don't you do me no more? I got this burning, burning, burning podcast inside me, so deep inside me. But it's coming out, don't worry. The podcast inside me is coming out right here, right now, because it has to. I can't hold on to it any longer. It's like giving birth. And what a bunch of babies we're having today, man.

We're going to be talking about Tiger Woods and his big divorce. You know, we're going to be weighing in on that whole area of men cheating, with men of influence, men of position, men of power. We're going to be talking about the United States of America and specifically the names of many of the states and where they came from. we're going to be talking about the sagging porno industry and I don't mean that in the physical sense I mean that in the fiscal sense

the numbers are down we're going to get a couple of visits from some various guests one of them's a little uncomfortable and then at the end of the show we have a very special guest who's going to be singing with us some heavy metal rock

I won't tell you who it is you got to stick around because it's getting sticky right here on the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway

Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Hey, you're on the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams, and what a fun show we have today for you. Today I'm finally going to get into this topic that everyone said I shouldn't talk about, but you know what, today I'm doing it. Today we are going to talk about...

Hey, Harlan. Excuse me? Oh, hello. Hey, hey. Oh, Rosa Louisa, the cleaning lady, is here. Look, I'm doing a podcast, so maybe you could come clean up in here later on. Well, I was just hoping that you could come downstairs with me for a minute. I have to go down to the boardroom, and I wanted some company.

Yeah. There's, like, so many fun things in the boardroom. Like, there's way much more to do there than there is here in your recording studio. So if you just come downstairs, I have some papers and things. I have to kind of get in order. I'm just going to be cleaning up. You can watch me clean. I don't know why I would do that, Rosa.

We're actually recording a podcast right this minute. Do you see the outfit that I'm wearing? Yes, I do. Okay, so when I'm cleaning, I don't like to get it dirty, so I like to take it off when I'm cleaning, so I just thought that maybe you could, like, When I take it off, you can maybe hang it up for me. And you can still record your show.

You can just watch me bending over, stacking papers. Oh, my goodness. And there's another fun thing I wanted to try out. What? There's, like, this really cool new projector they have. Yeah, I think I've seen that. The big, like, 12-9-foot projector that comes down from the ceiling. So I was asked before if I could just make sure that it works properly.

And I thought that maybe while I was cleaning, you could lay down and I could lay down with you and we could test it out. Boardroom table, I'm guessing. Yeah, the boardroom table, the chair, the boardroom, a leather layout sofa that they just got. Look, Rosa, I don't want any trouble with the janitorial union or anything like that. that, so I'm going to have to pass, but thank you for dropping by, Rosa Louise. But, you know, they also have a refrigerator in there, too, with some ice cubes, like a little freezer in the area. We have to take a little break here, folks, at the Harland Highway, and we will be back

right after this message. But they have a fridge with ice cubes. Yeah, and ice cream and strawberries and all kinds of fun stuff. Wait, hold on, I'm still recording here. All right, let's talk Tiger Woods, ladies and gentlemen. Tiger Woods, I guess recently it came out that they, him and his wife, Norgren, or whatever her name is, some kind of Dutch treat. Hey, Tiger, what's your wife's name?

Uh, Norgren? Huh? Yeah, her name is Norgren. She's a whale up from Finland. What do you mean, man? Well, when we're not, you know, braising the children, we go out and skin whales. Why did Tiger something get an accent?

Anyways, here's the deal. It looks like they're officially divorced, and I got nothing against Tiger. I actually kind of like the guy professionally as a golfer, as a kind of. of a celebrity, a sports figure. The guy's pretty darn likable, right? But what he did to his lady is reprehensible.

It's just kind of really low. But what I'm happy about, and I'm not happy to see anybody get divorced or break up, but I am happy that she left them, okay? I am so sick and tired of, these ladies that hang around when they're rich and famous husbands, you know, put their foot in it, okay? And this goes all the way up the chain like to Hillary Clinton, like when, you know, when Bubba was caught cheating on Hillary, you know, getting BJs in the White House with a pizza and a cigar and, you know, getting caught. and then going on TV and lying to the whole world about it

and, well, you're probably going to, well, it's none of our business anyways. Yeah, I think it probably is America's business to know that the most powerful man on the planet is engaging in sexual activity in the office, trying to uphold the most dignified office in the land, being a family man and yada yada yada i don't want to get into the politics of it but you know hillary hung around you know and believe me clinton's not that good looking of a guy or that charming i mean do you think she maybe hung around for the power and the status and the money

yeah i think maybe uh she had her eyes on a bigger prize right not obvious now although it was obvious to me at the time it happened. But, you know, you look at women like Norgren or you look at Sandra Bullock. And I applaud these women, man. I applaud these women that find out their husband is a low-life cheating dog. And they just go, you know what, screw you. I don't need your money. I don't need your power.

I don't need your fame. You know what? at the end of the day, I'm a man and you're a woman, and we made a commitment, and we made, we took vows, and you know what, you made choices, I made choices, you made the choice to cheat with numerous women, and you know what, I'm making the choice to say, you're not good enough for me, low life, see you later. And that's the price you pay, you know, if Tiger doesn't want to be called a low life, he should have done what he'd done.

Jesse James, low life, Bill Clinton, low life, all these guys, man. And what really adds to the low-lifedness, if that's a term, is the way these guys try to backpedal and pass the buck and play it off like it wasn't their fault. You know, Jesse James, like, oh, I had a father that beat me, and I was, molested and you know bill clinton's like i did not have sexual relations with that woman but i did have some delicious pizza and a cigar um you know here's a guy saying well define what sex is you know like just just trying to redefine the uh kamasutra or the joys of sex you know trying to somehow

legitimize that, you know, getting a BJ isn't an sexual act. Can you imagine if he succeeded with that notion? What people would be doing on subways in the lunchroom, on planes? Excuse me, what are you doing? I'm getting a BJ, man. You can't do that.

Well, it's not a sexual act. Well, okay, you're right. the president clinton yeah he he he put that into law it's not a sexual act well you enjoy your bj sir thank you what are you doing later nothing how would you like to get in on this oh okay i'd love it right and then tiger goes into like sexual rehab or some BS oh god give me a break sexual rehab, sex rehab. Come on, man. You're just at a point in your life, in your mind, in your heart,

in your soul, and your perversion, in your primal instinct, whatever you want to call it. You're at a point in your life where your chemistry, your body chemistry, your mental chemistry is telling you that you want to be out there, having fun, having sex with other women. And there's a price to pay for it, and, you know, it messes up a lot of things. And I get it. I get why men and women do it.

It's a primal thing. It's as old as civilization. You're never going to stop it, all right? But to pan it off, you know, with sex rehab and this and that, and I had, you know, issues in my childhood. He's like, no, you're primal, you couldn't control yourself, you went off, and you got off. End of story.

So let's bring it back around. What I'm getting to is congratulations to the women that say, you know what, I'm not going to take your BS. And I don't care if you had childhood issues. I don't care if you're in sex rehab. I don't care if you're the president of the United States. what you're doing is not good enough for me, for my family, for our kids. And you get up and you leave, man.

And good for you. Good for you. I applaud it. Again, I have no sour grapes towards Tiger. I admire his abilities in the golf profession. But when it comes to trying to save a man, marriage after what he did, you know, 15 plus sexual liaisons, or whatever the word is, liaisons, is that what it is?

It's time to go. There's no coming back from that. I mean, think about your life, okay? Think about you people living a clean, healthy life, okay? How many of you, a boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife have gotten into a fight over something as stupid as who takes out the garbage? Or you got lost one day driving and you started fighting over directions or you're mad because your boyfriend or girlfriend's always late.

Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And think about how deep-rooted the resentment can get with just that little argument, where it never really goes away. Once you guys have a blow-up about anything, it kind of sits there and it festers,

and it maybe goes away for a while, maybe two years, five years, but then one day it pops back up and all the hatred and the fighting and the emotion that comes up, right? So imagine if your husband cheated on you all over the world with gorgeous models and porn stars and sex addicts and party girls, please, you're going to repair that flat tire?

Okay, there's getting like a little hole in your tire and your tire kind of starts to go flat, you pull over and you change it. And then there's those tires you see when an 18 wheeler pops a tire And you just see shredded rubber all over the highway Big chunks of black shredded rubber For like a five mile stretch down the highway You're swerving all around it

Right And the tires just decimated That's what that relationship looks like So you go girls be strong step away from all the BS and at least one guy out here applauds your courage, your sense of worth. And good for you. And enjoy Tiger's money too.

P.S. Footnote. Enjoy the 100 mil. Woo-hoo! Okay, people. Hands up. you've been watching porn on the internet, huh? How many of you put your hands up, if you can, if you're not watching porn right now and your hands are busy?

Yeah, apparently the porno industry vis-a-vis the old DVD sales of porno movies, is taking a big hit. story in the paper about how people aren't going out and renting and buying porno movies anymore that people are going on the internet and getting their porno there and they don't need to see a high-end production and they don't need to see movie sets and they don't need to see crappy stories and porno stars trying to act it looks like they're happy with some guy with a little $800 Sony video camera rolling down the street spotting a milth at a supermarket and inviting her to get into the back of their car

and just doing it there right in the back of the Dodge Neon if this neon's rocking don't bother knocking hello yeah seem to be content with just, uh, you know, people getting it on in their bedrooms and in their living rooms, amateurs and models. So it looks like the 90 billion dollar DVD porno industry is in a little trouble here. Because you folks at home have been getting too adventurous and gregarious and, and, and, and horny, and sexy and naughty. things are changing man

if I see the lights on late at night at your house don't worry I won't ring the bell I know you're not watching a movie I know you're probably making one I wonder what porno stars do for their kicks I mean think about it you know the rest of the world if they want to get a little naughty a little risque you know

I don't know that there's probably one person listening that hasn't looked at at least 30 seconds of porn, okay? Now, there's probably a bunch of you looking around right now. Oh, I've never seen porn. What is porn? What is that word? Did you say corn? No, I said porn.

And I'll be amazed if there's anyone listening right now. You know what? If you've never seen porn, and I'm talking about, and I'm talking about, like, film porn, I'm not talking about magazines or anything like that, but I'm talking about a porno movie, a porno DVD, a porno thing on the internet. If you've never watched porn, if you've never even seen 10 seconds of porn, phone my hotline and leave me a message and tell me how, why, what, where, and when.

You've got to call 323215-1486. That's 3-2-3-215.1.1.1. 1486, because everybody's seen a little bit. Now, whether they're watching it because they're fired up and they're in a frisky mood, or they're just curious, or they accidentally stumbled on it, I don't know. But it's so everywhere these days. It's almost hard to avoid it at times. But my question was, what do porno people do to get their kicks?

I mean, think of it. The rest of us, let's say you're a dentist or a doctor or a lawyer or a school teacher, right? You come home after a long day at work and you're like, oh, God. If anybody talks to me about being a dentist, I'm going to freak. If I see anything to do with teeth or dentistry, I'm going to go postal, right? So most people have that attitude. When they get home, they don't want to talk about work, they want to forget about it, they want to kick back, maybe make love to their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whoever.

So how do porno people get their rocks off, so to speak? Right? It's like, you know, they make this product. They're right there in the mix. So in a way that kind of nullifies, you know, where they can go to get their naughty little fix. It's got to be weird, right? it's got to me it's like oh man i'm home all alone and oh i think i'll watch a porno and oh wait a minute that's what i do all day at work why do i oh maybe i'll go jump off a bridge without a parachute

that should get my blood pumping right or how creepy would it be if you go to watch a porn and you're like oh my god this is so that girl is really taking it wait a minute that's me what the hell oh my god i'm disgusting what the hell was i thinking when i did that i don't know i mean okay i'll put it out there for all you porno girls that don't know how to get your kicks and you you know you don't know where to turn let me be a friend

here's what you do just take me out for dinner you know just a friendly dinner that'll you know that's something different, right? What? No good? No good. You don't like that idea.

Okay, you'd rather jump off the bridge without a parachute. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, porno girls. Up yours. Okay, that'll be $70. Ah! Hey, you are on the Harland Highway

with me, Harlan Williams, your book of information. your wealth of knowledge here's something you might not have known people did you know that the name of your state the state where you live in probably comes

from an Indian word or a Spanish word or a French word or a British word yeah I don't think people really know that how about Colorado Colorado means red in Spanish

The name was originally applied to the Colorado River whose waters are radish with canyon clay. Indiana, named by English-speaking settlers because the territory was full of Indians. Well, there you go. Iowa, the Sioux Word for Beautiful Land. Okay, Kansas, taken from the Sioux Word, South Wind People. So I guess there was a bunch of Indians out there that had bad gas, like to fart all over the plains. Maybe that's what wiped out the buffalo.

Kentucky possibly derived from the Indian word, Cantu Kee, meaning dark and bloody ground. Yikes. Maine, the old French word for province. Maryland, named after Queen Henry. Maria, wife of English King George I. Minnesota from the Sioux word sky tinted or muddy water. Mississippi taken from the Chippewa word, Misi and Zibi, Misi meaning great and Zibi meaning river. Missouri from the Algonquin word muddy water.

Nebraska from the Otos, Indian. word for broad water. Nevada means snow clad in Spanish. It sounds like a lot of states were named after their waters. Man, makes me wonder what I was named after.

I wonder if the Indians came and they saw me and they're like Harland, Iroquois for land roaming with hars and big fat river running. through water i don't know i think that's kind of uh cool and weird right like here we are in

america and uh you know all the diverse cultures here and stuff and everyone's like america united states of america we're americans and i think it's kind of neat that that all you know big huge percentage of the states uh come from kind of these ancient uh indian words that's kind of uh it's kind of cool i didn't know about it obviously i i looked it up online and i was i was quite fascinated to uh to see that hello are you awake what okay apparently maybe only fascinating to me everyone's like yeah harland get on with it man get on with the show there big chief ramble on oh god

we get it the names of the states move okay well maybe some things are exciting to me but not to you isn't that funny you ever get into that situation with someone right

maybe a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they've got a real passion for something and in your head you're like, I couldn't care less about this. But every time you get together, they start talking about it, and they go on about it. You're like, oh, my God.

You know, think about the course of your life. It doesn't even have to be a girlfriend. It could be someone in your family. And they chime in about it, and they chime up about it. You're like, so anyways, I love airplanes. I go to all these air shows. and, you know, I saw the twin engine 59 DC4 Tiger is just a wonderful airplane, and it's an old twin-prop dual jet exhaust fighter jet from World War II,

and what it does is... And then you're just like, all the words just come garbled, and your eyelids are getting heavy, and you're like... And then the 45-degree angle that it dives, down and it drops its bomb and you think that's the end of it but then that same friend like five days later when you see him and then the thing what it does is it used to come through the clouds it would bank around up on its side it would sneak it oh right they just keep going and gone with this topic for the rest of their lives and then you have to think of ways to like uh you know

get out of it you know you ever have that situation where you can hear it starting to come you know like let's say you're just driving down the road together and you're talking about uh your relationships or sports and you're like yeah that football game last night and then your buddy who's into the planes goes wow it sure is a clear day today and in your head you're like uh-oh he's looking up in the sky and then he's like hey look at that is what's that in the distance up there coming in for a landing and you're like oh god he sees a plane oh no i've got to switch topic so anyways jim uh daphne's leaving me what yeah dafty's leaving me we had a giant fight she threw the toaster through the wall why are you kidding me and then you just got to BS them

for a while until you know maybe the plane flies out of sight or you've made it to your destination And your buddy's like, hey, Jim, man, you want to stay at my place tonight? Yeah, you mean, you and Daphne, it sounds like hell. And you're like, no, I was only BSing about that. What? Yeah, it was your secret diversion so that your friend wouldn't go on their favorite rambling topic. But maybe I'm rambling right now. And let's switch topics, shall we?

Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan. Highway, and I have a special guest in here today. He drops by from time to time because he likes classic rock. Here he is. How you doing, Mr. Magoo? Oh, heaven's to Betsy. Oh, I love heavy metal. Now, who's one of your favorite heavy metal or rock and roll bands? Oh, AC, DC, D.C. Sir. Oh, the thunder from down under. Yeah, from Australia. what's one of your favorite songs maybe we'll play it for you here oh you shook me all night long sir okay we can play i'd rather sing it myself wait a minute you want to sing ac dc's you shook me all night long yes sir wow i i don't know if i can say no to that

you better not sir okay here we go everybody mr magoo singing you sure you sure you sure Took me all night long by ACDC. Take it, Magoo. She was a fast machine, and she kept her motor clean. She was the best damn woman that I've ever seen, sir. She had the sightless eyes, telling me no lies, knocking me out with those American thighs, sir. taking more than her share had me fighting for air she had told me to come on oh oh oh oh but i was already there sir wow this is good keep going keep going because the walls start shaking oh the earth was quaking my mind was aching and we were making it oh you shook me all night long, sir.

Yeah, you shook me all night long. Heaven's to Betsy. Wow. Nice job, Magoo. Wow. Oh, I feel spent. Oh, while you head down to the bathroom and get cleaned up, you little bald freak.

Oh, Magoo, you've done it again, sir. He, he, he. Oh, I love that little guy, Mr. Magoo. I've got to get him in here more often. He's such a rocker, that dude, isn't he? Well, there you go. We went out with a bang. We went out with some ACDC.

Can't get much better than that, can you? Folks, hope you had a great time. Great to have you along for the ride down the Harlan Highway. Keep it real in the deal. Keep the pedal to the medal. We'll catch you next time. And until then, my friends, chicken chow main. baby.