The Harland Highway - PODCAST 163

Episode Date: September 10, 2010

Morning show rockers, outboard motors, Dr. Ascot, Animal destruction, and a visit from Rosa Louisa the cleaning lady. Burn my toast and call me Sally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ricky was a young boy. He had a heart of gold. He listened to his podcast. Yeah, here we are. 18 in life or the Harlan Highway in 25 years. Whatever suits you better. You're here on the highway with me. What a show we have today.

Hello. What are we talking about today? I'm going to do an experiment with a piece of mechanical apparatus. I won't tell you what, but I'm going to strap a machine to my back, see what happens. We're going to be talking about morning shows and what happens on those annoying morning shows every week, every five days of the working week. It's Friday, so I got a visit with Dr. Ass caught, which I don't like. So stick around for that. I think we have a dropping guest coming into the studio today, unexpectedly.

And lastly, I'm going to get into a topic that I talked about a bit, you know, a little while back, about the consumption of animals and animal parts, which never works out good for the animal. But it works out good for you Because you made it alive Right here On to the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn Would you kindly shut your mouth

On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Rapspin And I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy All right

I want to get into this topic that came up in the news Everybody's buzzing about it It's on the internet It's on TV It's causing a flap Almost worldwide It happened here in the United States of America

And I think it's ridiculous That Hold on Excuse me Hi. Oh, my, hi. This is Rosa Louisa. Yeah, I know, Rosa Louisa.

How are you? Do you want to take a break? I'm doing a podcast. I'm sure there's a lot of other floors you could be cleaning and, you know, collecting the garbage and stuff. I'm busy. I'm finished cleaning. I thought we could take a break and go up into your boss's office.

Mr. Featherstone's office? Yes, Mr. Featherstone's office and his big, beautiful oak table. that I'm dying to try out with you. Rosa Louisa, I'm in the middle of a podcast here. I think if I were to entertain something like that, I would be fired immediately. But thank you. I don't think so.

I think you actually have a lot of fun if you wanted to try and move around some of the stuff in his office, if you know what I mean? Do you mean just you laying out on the table with the portrait of his... wife that he just caught it, that it'd be really fun to take that off the wall and move it just so that like she's watching us. Wait a minute. Ethel? Yeah. And the kids, I mean, the portrait of the kids. Have you seen that one on the other wall? Yes, yes, I have. Rose Louisa. Ethel is

72 years old. Are you? I know, but I'm just dying to use that table and that new broadcasters award he just got. Yes, he won the, uh, the broadcasters award. We're all very proud of it what do you mean use that it's shaped like a microphone what do you know what I mean look you better you better move along I've got work to do I've got this podcast to finish and thank you though for coming in oh come on Harland

we're gonna we're gonna take a little break here folks we will be back here on the Harland Highway in just a few minutes. Okay, so you want to lay down on his desk. Okay, I can lay down on the desk. I already was in his office before, and I took the picture off the wall. He'll never know.

So Ethel's going to be watching, and the Broadcaster Award, the microphone. Okay, the Broadcasters Award. Hold on, hold on. I'm still rolling. I'm still, oh, my God, I'm still recording. Oh. uh whoops a daisy yikes um uh sorry uh folks

who that's uh yeah that cleaning lady is a little spicy uh but i wasn't going to do anything what am i an idiot i wouldn't uh would i with the bosses on his table with his of his wife and the anyways moving on here's something that rubs me the wrong way uh here's something

I don't like let's let's leave it at that do you watch the morning shows the good morning americas and the good morning AMs and the good morning omelets and whatever the hell those phony horrible

plastic coated pretentious, manipulative, horrible morning shows, right? Where these people live in some kind of netherworld where they act like people are up and perky and circulating and shiny and wide-eyed at that hour, ungodly hour of the day, right? The 5 a.m. to the 9 a.m. window.

These people are sitting in their plush chairs and laughing and smiling and acting like it's 7 o'clock at night. They've just had a martini. Are you kidding me? I can't watch those shows. They're so annoyingly fake. I could watch those shows if some guy shuffled out in his pajamas, you know, plopped in a chair with bad head, you know, a dry, cakey drool stain on the side of his cheek. and maybe a plate of bacon on his lap, okay?

That's when I'm untuning into that show. But worse than the hosts and the whole environment, the set and all that crap they set up. The worst is when they go outside or even inside, but a lot of these ones, they go outside to the middle of the streets of New York, Times Square, wherever the hell they are. Tons of weird morning people standing around. for what reason

I don't know, hoping that maybe they get their mug on television. Dumbass, it's a live show. What are you going to run home and try and catch yourself? Oh my God, I'm on camera. I better run home. Slam. Oh, I'm not there.

What? I could have swore I was but I saw the camera pointing at me and the red light was on and oh, I better get back there. Maybe I can still get in on it. But worse than everything else is when these people, these phony plastic morning people put rock stars on the air and make them sing, okay? Rock stars are the owls and the coyotes and the skunks and the bats of the human world, okay? They're nocturnal.

Rock stars, most of them, they're like vampires. They don't know what the sun looks like. They don't know what daytime is. They prowl around at night, and they sing their songs, and they drink their drink, and they smoke their herb, and they sleep with four or five people, and just before the sun comes up, they crash, and then they do it all over again.

So when you put a rock star on Good Morning AM or Good Morning America, or how's your omelet, or whatever the hell they're called, to belt out a rock and roll tune at 7 a.m. in the morning. Are you joking me? You ever seen a bat flying around in the daylight? You can't do it. It would be like flapping into, smashing into walls, into windows, be flying upside down.

It would hit the ground. Smoke would be coming out of its eyes. Right? You can't put a square peg in a round hole. So the very concept of making a rock star sing it's seven in the morning, how many people here have lined up for a 7 a.m. lead Zeppelin concert? How many of you stood in line at the stadium and waited for Pink Floyd to do their 8.30 a.m. concert wall tour? Right? How many people watched the Beastie Boys or, you know, anybody?

Anyone you like, when was the last time you had your morning muffin and went and grabbed a, you know, the Johanna's Brothers concert or whatever the hell they're called? I don't even want to say their name because really to lump them in with rock and roll is probably a sin. But so anyways, nonetheless, these people force these guys on there. They do it for publicity for album sales. And it just, it's uncomfortable to watch. It makes me twist in my seat. It makes me not even like them anymore.

Because you see a rock star. You see staying out in the middle of the daylight. You know, his hair's all messy. You know, his eyes are puffy. Right? Or you see a John Bon Jovi with those crunchy golden McNuggets in the corner of his eyes. He's got eye crust. right he's got so much eye crust he could like scrape it over a piece of toast and make some kind of toast bread right or a guy like prince you know who probably wakes up and has to put his mascara on and his eye shadow and do his eyelashes and put the lipstick on and the hair spray can imagine that poor guy getting up for good morning america's omelet or whatever the hell it's called and getting ready to do a uh 7.30

print concert right after the weather and sports. These guys are not built to do that. And then worst of all, they start singing, and you just look at their body language and their face. There's no blood in their skin yet. They're pale. Some of them are borderline green, right? Their eyes are sagging.

Their lips are dry and cakey. There's like a tequila and late-night pizza crust on their lips. right and uh their voices that's the main thing you know a voice needs rest have you heard your own voice in the morning okay just to give you an example this is this is you know take one of the most beautiful women in the world okay take uh like a a liz taylor a bridget bardo a pamela anderson uh julia roberts this is what they sound like in the morning okay they don't wake up hi sunshine it's like they got mucus and phlegm and thumbtacks and milk and who knows what else hi morning my name's julia roberts ha i'm pamela henderson anyone got a cigar

so imagine what the voices of these singers like bono sting bon jovi prince biance hi i'm biancy say, would you like to hear me sing a song at 6.45 in the morning as soon as the wacky weather report's over? Right, and then they start singing and it's just awful. They're outside and the wind's blowing and they don't have their makeup. Oh, man. So if any of you producers from Good Morning, my scrambled eggs are ready, or how ripe is my bacon a.m. or whatever the hell your stupid shows are called stop booking rock stars man it's a crime against humanity it's a crime against society okay with or without you with or without you right bono sting sending out an sOS messaging about

Please. There you go. Well, that's all I got for that one. Time for me to go take some throat lozenges and move on. Hey, everybody, it's me, your main man of mirth, Harland Williams here, and you're on the Harland Highway. the only place to be, because I'm always pushing the envelope for you people. I'm always trying new things, innovative ways to keep you entertained. And today, I thought I would try a little

experiment, because in my own mind, I think I know the answer. What I'm going to do is I'm going to strap on an outboard motor to my back, you know, like the kind of motor you'd see on the back of a little fishing boat. I'm going to put a nine-horsepower Merck, and Merck is abbreviation for mercury for those of you who are not outboard motor aficionados I'm going to pull start it

and my theory is that it will just you know the blade will just spin it'll make a lot of noise and I'll shut it off now some of you are probably thinking you know I turn it on and I go flying through a wall somewhere

no it ain't going to happen so here we go let me let me hoist this mark on to my back here hang on ah ah okay these things aren't like okay i got it got it on my back i'm just going to put a little strap on here i'm going to clip it i got like three little seatbelt type of thing there's one two oh this one's tight Should have done some crunches. Ah, three. Okay. There we go.

That's on there pretty secure. I got nine horsepower Merck outboard motor for a motorboat on my back. Grab on the pull start. Here we go. Come on, you little bastard. Oh, wow. I'm okay! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, my... I think I broke my back. What? Sorry! Yeah, I'll be over in a minute. I'll help you with all those papers.

Are you okay? Yeah, I didn't think I would go through the wall. I said I'll come over. I said I'll come over and help you put your desk back together. Okay, I've got to go, folks. Really bad idea. Really bad idea. I should have gone with a sick horsepower.

The Harlem Williams, barely alive on the Harlan Highway. Okay, well, I survived that going through the wall, but let me give you a little good news for those of you, that are concerned that I went through a wall with a motor on my back. This is exciting. This is cool. This is something new. You got to check this out, okay?

My podcast is now hooked up to a thing called Stitcher Radio. And what it does is if you join Stitcher, you can actually, it's an app. You can actually just press it on your cell phone and you can listen to the Harland Highway on your cell phone. You don't have to download it. You don't have to do anything. You just hit the button. You save the Harland Highway as your favorite. And then every time a new episode of the highway comes up, it's right there on Stitcher.

You can hear it on your cell phone. So it's great. And here's how you get it. you just go right to stitcher.com and you can download it or if you want to go back to my website harlandwilliams.com look right at the bottom of the page and there's an easy access button for you to press and bingo just like that you join you're in and before you know it you're getting the Harland Highway on your cell phone whenever a new one pops up and you can save the old ones or just listen to the new ones. So check it out. Stitcher Radio at Stitcher.com or Harlandwilliams.com.

Happy to be affiliated with those folks. Just gives you one more platform to listen to the show. And one more platform to hear this next idiot. Yeah, that's right. It's Friday. Guess who's here? Dr. Ascot, I got to go see. Dr. Ascott. Here we go. Oh, God. Hello, Dr. Ascott. What the heck are we doing today? Holland. Well, what are we doing? God, when is this going to end?

I've been doing this for over a year now almost. Holland. Therapy never ends. It's an ongoing treatment. So you're telling me I'm going to be doing this for the next 10 years? Arland. What are we doing today, Ascot? Arland, have you ever heard this saying, laughter is the best medicine?

Yes, of course. It's a common, well-known phrase. Well, Arlen, sometimes it's very true. Well, you know what? I guess I agree. I mean, that's what I do. I try to get laughs. It's up when I'm in here with the years.

You, this is painful. Arland. All right, so laughter's the best medicine. Whoopie do, now what? Well, Arland, I think it's time you learn to laugh at some of your inner pain. What are you talking about? I'm sure there's old painful memories inside Arland from perhaps your childhood or from maybe a failed relationship with a woman, Arland. Okay, do I really have to open up about that stuff?

Holland, we need to laugh, Holland. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping. as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to

this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, brother. So how does this work askot Holland tell me a painful story from your past and perhaps we can help take away some of the pain

Holland yeah I know because laughter is the best medicine well some of this stuff isn't really that funny believe me Holland okay what do you want me to do I want to hear a painful story from your past

Holland why do you you say my name like that long? Holland, I just want to make sure you hear it properly. I know my own name. You don't have to drag it out. Oh, Alan. Stop it! Let me get this over with. Okay, when I was a little kid, I'll never forget this.

My sister and I were out flying a kite, and I had the kite in my hand, and it was flying just fine, and then I handed it to my sister. She smashed it into a power wire and it was hanging in the power wire. She starts screaming, hands the string back to me. My dad comes out, sees me with the kites stuck in the power line,

and my sister's pointing at me and crying. So you got blamed, Holland. Yeah, I got blamed and I got spanked bad. What was that? Nothing, Arland. Did you say you got spanked bad? Yeah, really hurt. What was it?

Nothing. Did he pull down your pans and spank you? Yeah, over and over, and then he used his belt. I heard you laughing. Arland? No, don't give me Harland. I heard you laughing, As God. Holland laughter is the best medicine. Oh, so that's how this is going to go.

Holland, continue. No, I'm not telling you any more stories so you can blatantly sit there and laugh at me. Holland, I do have a pink slip in my hand. Oh, God. Tell me about a failed relationship, Holland. Oh, Holland. All right, all right. God, I was going out with this girl I was nuts about.

and I bought her a ring and we were supposed to meet up at this seafood restaurant and I got there and I sat there for an hour stop it I sat there for over an hour stop it and then another hour went by. Stop laughing. And then I sat there till midnight all by myself eating shrimp cocktails. Stop laughing!

And she never showed up and it really hurt and it broke my heart and I think it threw me off of love for the rest of my life. Stop laughing at me! Laughter is the best medicine all and this is hilarious. Stop it! Get out!

Tell me, more, Holland. Did you go into a deep depression? Stop it! Get out! All right, well, here's something that's not so funny, okay? I went into a bit of a tirade, you know, a couple of podcasts back, and I told all of you, or I recommended to all of you, that you watch the movie Sharkwater. It's a eye-opening yet disturbing movie about the finning industry where, you know, sharks are being caught and their fins are cut off and they're thrown back in the water alive. And it's all in an effort to make a ridiculous Asian delicacy called shark fin soup.

Pathetic that an incredible, beautiful million-year-old species could get wipe out because it's being made in, made into soup. Okay? So I went on a bit of a rip and, you know, I sent out, I sent out the alarm. I sent out the challenge to the Asian community because that's primarily, you know, who consumes and who creates and who has a desire for shark fins and shark fin related products. And I said to the Asian community, I said, guys, Knock it off.

It's up to you. It's up to you. The main consumers of this product to stop it. You have to stem the tide of this destruction. And there's people out there that might be like, oh, you're picking on the Asians and you don't like Asians and all this. Couldn't be further from the truth. They got nothing against Asians, okay? They're just other human beings like black people, white people, Indian people.

They're just people. but they are a group of people that are doing something that's very destructive and is going to affect all of us. And even more than my concern for people, it's the concern for this species, the sharks of the world. And I'm not talking about great white sharks. I'm talking about they'll go after any type of shark, including whale sharks. Those big, beautiful, the biggest fish in the sea, the biggest fish in the world. It's a whale shark. They're very passive.

teeth. They're plankton eaters and they just kind of wallow around in the deep and they open their mouths and they ingest, you know, hundreds of thousands of tons of plankton each year and they filter it through their gills and through their mouths and even those things are getting killed for their fins and they're enormous. These things are like 40, 50 feet long. You imagine just cutting the fin off and then throwing that back in the water to rot. So anyways, it's hard for me to let it go because now I'm watching another show, okay? I'm watching a show on Animal Planet.

It's an incredible series about Russia, okay? As you know, for decades and decades, Russia has been hidden behind the Iron Curtain. The public was not allowed access to a lot of areas of the communist country, the former communist country, that is. And so much of the wildlife and much of the fish and the bird life and even the general geography is stuff that has never been seen

or seen very little by the rest of the world. So incredible documentary wildlife series is like a six-part series revealing all the hidden pleasures and treasures of Russia. Okay, so I'm watching this thing. And they come across this wild herd of antelope, okay? And it's this very unusual antelope. I forget the name of it, but it has a great big bump in its snout because it traverses the dusty drylands,

and it's evolved to the point where it's got this snout that filters out all the dust. So it looks a little weird. It looks a little odd, but nonetheless it's one of God's good creatures. So they're talking about this thing, and they're like, at one point in time, this antelope roamed, roamed the Russian lowlands in herds so vast, the eye could not see the end of them, millions upon millions. Right, that whole routine? You're like, okay, great. And then comes this part. And in the last 50 years, 90% of the population has been decimated.

probably the biggest decimation, if that's a word, of any population of animal species in the last century. And I'm like, oh, great, okay, no surprise there. Of course, humans destroy everything that moves. And I wasn't happy about it, but then I heard this little add-on, primarily slaughtered by Asian poaches. Because it is believed this animal has a body part with medicinal properties. It is believed the horn or the antler of the antelope can make Asian people fly and do magic and turn upside down and swim underwater, you know, whatever.

Whatever the ridiculous thing is, the Asian community once again thinks that some, animal part, much like the rhino horn or the shark fan or whatever, is magically going to prolong their life, it's going to cure their cancer, it's going to clean up their leukemia, it's going to make their penis harder, whatever it is. Okay, it's always something, okay? Human beings get sick, and the nose of a bear and the spleen of a tiger and the ass of a shark is not going to help you. And if it does, who the hell are you to be helped

at the price of wiping out a whole species of animals? I'll tell you what, there, Tinglau Chong. No offense, but I'd rather see you six feet under than see a beautiful species of shark or antelope or tiger annihilated and wiped off of planet Earth. Why? So you can maybe live to be 70 and enjoy some more shark. fin soup and read your newspaper i don't give a crap about you you should be given a crap about

the bigger picture not your self-serving ways your self-serving health needs okay and again i'm i'm going out to the agents and and i'm not i'm not being racist i'm not i'm not trying to put you down as a people in general but when it comes to this stuff man It's up to you as a race of people to stop this stuff. Okay? And believe me, we're all guilty of something, you know. White people, black people, whoever, we've probably all got our thing. But when it comes to this kind of hocus, pocus, herbal medicine, medicinal animal part, crap,

let's point the finger where the finger needs to be pointed to. It's primarily Asian cultures, okay? And I love the Asian people. I love the Asian culture. I love the history. I love the rich history of it. I love everything about it. I got nothing against it.

But stop decimating the animal population. S plural, okay? We live in 2010. We've got pills that can give you a bigger penis. We've got pills that can clear your arteries. We've got pills that can get rid of your depression. We've got pills that can lower your blood pressure. They're all manufactured in a factory and they're really cheap.

And if you can't get any, call Bono. And he'll throw a benefit and they'll hook you up, man. you do not have to wipe out 20 million antelope you do not need to destroy all the sea urchins and the rhinocestruses and the taggers of the world and you know what just so i don't get any complaints okay even if you're not an asian culture whatever culture you are okay if you're from norway if you're scottish if you're canadian if you're australian okay anybody who's doing this stuff needs to stop, man. We are much smarter than this. We are an educated species. We hold the fate of so many creatures in our hands.

In fact, we probably hold the fate of every other living creature in our hands. Now, that's a monster responsibility. So guess what? Why don't you act responsibly and stop the carnage? and I know that it might be hard because so much of this stuff comes from rich, deep, long entrenched Asian culture, Asian history

so I guess I'm reaching out to the younger people the younger people from the Asian primarily but whatever community is abusing wildlife in this way I'm reaching out to all of you to educate the elders and to spread the word and to stop it.

Just stop it. I mean, picture if all of a sudden some dumbass somewhere went, you know what? Asian people really helped my heart rate slow down. Asian people really alleviate my intestinal cramps. Let's grind up the Asian people because when I ingest them, my stomach flutters go on. away yeah see how does it feel with the tide turned you know nothing like asian foot soup oh i love

me a bowl of soup but when you cut off an asian foot and stick it in my soup delish can't get me enough of that asian foot soup give me some extra toenail please okay how would you like it if the tables were turned and your species your culture was wiped out of because of some ridiculous notion that you know is not true. And even if it is, I'm going to go back to it. You have no right to put yourself ahead of any other living creature, beautiful creature on this planet, okay? So let's start waking up, people.

Let's start spreading the word. Let's start doing something to end this crap. It doesn't make any sense. and uh you know i know i went on this rant about sharks about uh you know maybe like three four weeks ago and i was kind of settling down a bit not that i'm forgetting what i talked about but i settling down a bit and then all of a sudden another thing comes up about another beautiful species of animal decimated so every time i hear it i'm going to bring it up And I'm putting the onus on you people to spread the word, try and do the right thing,

get educated, try and educate those around you, and let's stop the eating, okay? Get your ass to Vegas and hit a buffet. Next time you want a lion paw or some draft balls or a zebra scrotum or a grizzly bear tonsil, just buy a $120 ticket to Vegas for 40 bucks all you can eat buffet i'm telling you you'll feel great that's all you need man leave the animals alone oh god so there you go um i've said my piece for now i'm going to be monitoring this and if you want to give me any feedback please do 323-215-1486 you can leave me a message or you can email email me at harlough williams.com and share your thoughts this is a touchy topic but what i don't want are any people from the

asian persuasion you know calling in and saying this is racist and this is you're singling us out and this is this is bullshit this has nothing to do with your your race or your culture in terms of you as a people it it has everything to do with your race and your culture and your eating habits that's it you're eating habits if someone somewhere can find me uh in a manual that eating habits uh can be considered racist then uh have at it but you know that's not what this is about so don't please don't waste my time with that but if you want to have an intelligent discussion if you want to uh help be part of the answer and not uh uh part of the problem let me hear your thoughts and I'm not saying you have to agree with me

you can certainly write or call and object to what I'm saying but don't play the race card that's not what this is about this is about the human race this is about the animal race this is about all of us surviving into the next century man we've probably only got a hundred years before half the damn wildlife we know and love is gone so Oh, gee, why don't you phone me and give me a hard time for trying to do something about it? And if I have to single groups of people out, then so be it. And don't forget, it's not like, you know, white people, black people, other groups of people aren't doing the damage too. But let's face it, what I'm witnessing from the Asian culture has just been going on way too long.

and you know it's a huge culture it's a huge population so the supply and the demand are starting to become out of balance so yeah i do have to single you out so there you go harlow williams dot com you can call me a message 3232151486 i look forward to your thoughts your feedback if i'm wrong prove me wrong what your thoughts are for helping, helping educate and helping save all that is precious to sweet mother earth. Oh, wow, I got that off my chest. I think I'll go eat a unicorn. Wait a minute. Whoa, wait a minute. All right, we better wrap this up. I hope you had a good time today. Food for thought, comedy for thought. Therapy for thought. Therapy for thought. And I hope we catch you next time right here on the ever so eco-conscious Harlan Highway.

And until next time, chicken chow main, baby.