The Harland Highway - PODCAST 164

Episode Date: September 13, 2010

My hilarious buddy Justin Schlegel drops in again for more hijinx and dindydandy's! What a knuckle sadwich treat! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy.

Hey, boys and girls, men and women, her mafah and dites. It's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, back by popular demand. Oh, no. Here we go. I have to say this name. Let me try and get it right. They're just my feelings, dude. Just my feelings.

A friendship hangs in the balance. He's back. It's Justin. Slegal. Oh! you finally didn't still do it right Schlegel Schlegel my AGO

I'm so sorry If you spelled my name It would be S-C-H-L-E-E-E-E-E-E-G-E-A-L Schleagle Fly like an eagle No It's Justin Schlegel my

Fine Twix-Fingered friend Wow I am so sorry man Your caramel aftershave. How are you, is the question there, Nuget Brow. How are you doing, buddy? Good, my man. Welcome back.

People loved it when you were on the podcast. I love doing the first two. I got so much good response from the earlier ones that I flew all the way out here to Denmark to do the trifecta. Well, we should tell people there's a spider floating around here. Yeah, you got a midgetteractyl floating underneath your lamp there. We should tell people you're on a visit here to Hollywood. You came out for the weekend, do a little Hollywood shaking and moving, a little business. It's a hobbin and some knobbing.

Yeah, so the good side is we're able to get you in here again for some fabulous Harland Highway podcast action. And why bother keep babbling on? Let's get right to it, shall we? Stomp the Accelerator. Here we go. New Baskin-Robbins flavor. What would be if I could come up with Baskin-Robins flavor? Yeah.

Now, I'm a big chocolate fan. If vanilla's nearby, I'll eat it. Okay. I would love my father's love crunch. It would be vanilla ice cream with a sweet caramel ribbon and just the occasional nip of his beard, sprinkled throughout, like little fudgy chunks that every time I tasted it, all I thought to myself is you do love me and accept me as your son. My father's love crunch, all right? And in the event that

they're out of it, because he truly doesn't, all right? My tears, Moka Sherbert. Now, wait a minute, when you say your father's love crunch, I'm sensing, like, nail clippings in there. Is that? nail clippings. My father's big, gross, yellow fang nail clippings. Yeah. I mean, like, I respect the beard trimmons, but I don't know if you'd get a crunch out of them, but you'd definitely get a crunch out of some nail trimmons, but it's your flavor. Who am I to put ingredients in it? I feel like an idiot now. This is what we do. We bounce back and forth. This is called R&D. That's research and darn development, sir. We would add beard hair. We would add fingernail clippins. We add, oh, goodness, the occasional speckle of flesh from the back of his hand,

the part of him I'm very familiar with, and maybe is like a little prize in the bottom of the box, his belt buckle. Wow, like deep in the recesses of the cone. Deep down. There's a belt buckle there. Just a nip of his belt buckle just to really bring you back to the days of your when you let him down again. And that gold belt buckle tap danced across the, fleshier, young hindquarters.

Wow, just somebody get me a big glass of disappointment. Wow, you've got, I'll get a bowl of a couple of scoops of issues on the side. Can I get some issue, issue sprinkles on there? Can I get some tear fudge drizzled on top

and some weird mom go whipped cream? Oh, give me, put a little dabble of complex on the side there. Issues. Here's here's my flavor I'm going to go with mint

licorice Melanoma Road is that Lickrish Melanoma Road so it would be green black chunks of licorish in the occasional black spot but the black spot

has no flavor all its own it's just mint it's just this gross black speckled yeah it's kind of a black licorchy flavor to it like melanome little melanoma chunks. Oh, just like the inside of Aaron Neville's thighs after a real good run

on the old treadmill that he didn't want to do. Wow, yeah. He does that. Is that a melanoma, that thing on his forehead? Oh, the weird, the Aaron Neville, Coco Nublet growing up of his face? The Cracker Barrel meatloaf special? It's filled

with spiders, I hear tell, around the campfire. You box cutter, that bad boy open. Oh, locusts come pouring out. Wow. Oh, so So mint chocolate, excuse me, mint licorice, melanoma road. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah.

Sounds horrific. Delish. I would not ask for a pink sample spoon. Sounds horrific till it's on 92 degrees out and the ice cream man starts chiming down the street. Hello? I still at the age of 31 when I hear the good humor truck. Yeah. I'm that little goofy, creepy.

I. sprint up outside to go chase after and find them. I will go out and get myself a chaco taco or dare I say a push pop whenever I hear the ice cream. Now, are those trucks clean though? Good Lord, no. No. Oh, good Lord, no. They're usually driven by somebody fresh out of the fourth grade at the age of 38.

Okay. Most likely a prosthetic hook, no lips, helmet that they don't need to wear, but they insist on it. Yeah. And they listen to that good humor ice cream truck song when they're not even in the. truck. Wow. They're very dirty, but I love Chaco tacos. Okay, yeah. And I always like it when the music

coming out of the loudspeaker is like off. It's like... Just by a hair of a key. Yeah. So it's like it sounds like the needle on the gramophone is getting a little dull. It's like a day. It's like a David Lynch movie every time the ice cream guy comes around. Yeah, every time the truck rolls by, it leaves a perfect tire tread mark of blood,

even though he hasn't gone through a paddle and out of nowhere, a old man completely nude and lowers himself from a tree and hands you a fortune cookie. That's a David Lynch film. Wow, that's scary. They should just have a speaker on the top that goes, here's Johnny. And then a cat attacks. Wow. And then a cat attacks.

Wow. But the chaco taco was worth it. friend, huh? Speaking of cats, here's my next question. I'm going right into it. What animal do you hate the most? What animal do I not care for? There must be an animal you hate, isn't there?

I love, I'm a big animal lover. I mean, I do. I love cats. I love dogs. I'm just trying to think of one that I don't care. Ferrets. Uh-huh. Oh, it's like a rat, fucked a limousine.

What? Just a wretched little creature. and they crawl. It's like a 17-pound centipede with fur and fury. Yeah, they're all elongated. And they smell like just the Earth's core. They're awful. And they look like they're wrapped in.

They look like they're made out of shamwows or something. They're like shamwows with eyes. We need to release just an entire legion of them in the Gulf or whatever is left of the old BP. A, the oil's clean B, we kill a million ferrets in the earth's better off for it. Oh, I love it. that's owned ferrets. I don't like them either. Uh-oh, then you're going to hate me.

Listen to this. I did not go out of my way to get ferrets when I was about 26. This girl that I knew had ferrets, and I'm an animal lover, too. I had never had any experience with ferrets, and I had a black cat at the time, and she approached me and begged me to take her white albino ferrets with red eyes. What a rough lot in life to be a ferret and an albino and to have the Terminator eyes. Yeah, and so picture, this is what would happen. Literally, I would, back then when I was just getting started in my comedy career,

I had a little two-bedroom apartment. I would come home at the end of the day. I would open my door and a black cat, a jet black cat with green eyes, and two white, snow-white ferrets with red eyes would literally be sitting at the door waiting for me. me. It was actually cute as all hell. So it was almost somewhat of like a reverse Oreo where you get the white, black, white

as opposed to the black white black, but all covered in fur, and I bet that apartment just smelled like a trough. It did. And you let the ferrets run free? I let them run around in the house. They chew through the wires. They'd crap everywhere. They can't be

tamed from what I understand from like regular dogs and cats. I mean, I've even understood that there's some rabbits that you can somewhat keep under control but a ferret. Yeah, ferrets, they've got a wild streak. But I'll tell you one of the cutest things

I've ever seen. A dead ferret. That is cute. But I had two of them. One was a really big one, and that was the son. And then the female, the mother, was like half the size.

And for some reason, they do get excited. They do have some kind of human connection. When I come home, they'd run around in circles, and they go nuts. and if I would twirl my finger in a circle, the ferret would follow my finger

and roll across the whole floor, following, doing rolls. It was actually adorable. So it was like this like do little met the Jedi type, you will roll. Like you can like reach your hand out and it would do your bidding as long as the bidding was a barrel roll.

Yeah, and it was so cute. And then after it would pop up and vomit all over the hardwood floor from you getting it dizzy, which would be great. Then the cat comes. comes over and eats it, and then you end up throwing up, and it turns up into a real stand-by-me-like situation at the pie-eating contest where everybody in the Williams apartment is chucking up all over the floor.

Back to my original point, ferrets can suck my ass. All right, we found the animal you hate. You know, Forrest Gump once said, Life is like a box of chocolate. My mom always said life was like a box of chocolate. My mom always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. What is life?

Life is a box of what for you, Double J. A box. A box of what? Life's a lot. Let me set it up for you. Life is like a box of ammunition. Oh, wow. Nice.

Power point, 4.62. Oh, nice get. Good grab. you know what life's like to me oh here we go they say life is a journey it's not life's a journey concert

there's a couple of good points and a lot of shit that's what life is to me but if we have to contain life in a box it's hollow point ammunition and you need to put that bullet and the gun of opportunity and pointed it down

and blow its head clean off because you got one life there Cowboy Soul Sister or the Cosmos, go and live it. The silicon chip inside his head gets switched to overload. Oh, and nobody's going to go to school today. He's going to make him stay at home. Home, home, home. And Daddy doesn't understand it.

He always said he was good as gold. Good as gone. And he can see no reasons, because. And they're, oh, no reasons, what reasons do you need to die, die, die, die. And the silicon chip anyways, you know, I don't think you know that song, do you? Is that, correct me if I'm wrong. Captain and Teneal live at Red Rocks 84, they were opening for Docking on the Beast of the East tour, headlined by none other than Buster Poindexter.

Okay, feeling hot, hot, hot. I have no clue who that was. Really? Who was that? You know, you're going to love this song. I'm turning you on to a real cool song. It was Bob Geldof from the Boomtown Rats, the guy that went on to do the first live aide.

Bob Geldof, he had a band in the 70s called the Boomtown Rats. And I think this was one of the first times it's ever happened in America. In the 70s, one day, some children. kid went up on the roof of a schoolyard with a sniper rifle and opened fire on all the kids in the playground. And I think it was the first time in America that someone went what we call postal, you know?

Do you think it was the first time that it happened? I think it was the first time that it really... I think it was the first time that someone just went on a shooting spree. Just outside of an assassination or... And so Bob Geldof wrote this song called I Hate Mondays because it happened on a Monday and is about this kid that went off and I think that kid

also thought that life is a box of ammunition. So the song could be about you. And if you met my life, his backpack, which was filled. I would love to think that it was because it was Monday, the kid snapped. It had nothing to do with the three junior varsity

football players that gave him a swirly and made him eat the cockroach in the women's room now. He was just you had occasion of Mondays. Someone's going to die, all right? Somehow gets Dad's 22 and starts camping off kids on the playground because he doesn't want to take a pop quiz in Michelleenberger's Geometry College.

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Well, then you're going to like this because, as it turns out, okay, you ready? It wasn't even a dude. It was a little girl. It was a 16-year-old girl, okay? I think her last name was Spencer or something like that. I don't remember the first name. And I guess she actually killed a couple of kids. She wounded like five or six kids.

She wounded a police officer. She killed a couple of people. And this is where you're going to like it. This is a quote when they asked her why she did it. She showed no remorse. And her answer was, I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day. And it was done on a Monday.

Wow. And I think this is a perfect time. We're going to take a little break. And here is the Boomtown Rats with I Don't Like Mondays. The silicon chip inside her head Get switched to overload And nobody's going to go to school today. She's going to make them stay at home.

Daddy doesn't understand it. He always said she was good at school. And he can see no reasons because there are no reasons. What reason do you need to be shown? Tell me what? I don't like Mondays. Tell me what? I don't like Monday.

What? I don't like Mondays I want to shoot the whole day down. The Texanix machine is kept so clean and it types to a waiting world. A mother feels so shocked, father's world is rocked, and the gods turn to their own little girl. little girl sweet 16 ain't a bee cheeky now that ain't so fee to admit to feet they can see no reasons because there are no reasons what reasons do you need oh tell me why i don't like mondays tell me why i don't like mondays I want to shoot, ooh, the whole day down, down, down, shoot it on town. She wants to play with her toys a while and scoos out early and soon we'll be learning and the lesson today is how to die

and then the bull-hole crackles and the captain tackles with the problems and the homes and wives and he can say no reasons because there are no reasons what reason do you need to die tell me why i don't like mondays tell me why i don't like i don't like i don't like tell me why i don't like mondays tell me why i don't like i don't like i don't like i don't like mondays tell me why i don't like mondays i want to shoot And we're back. We are back. We took a little musical interlude. It's now Tuesday. And do we love Tuesdays or hate them? Oh, I absolutely love Tuesday.

I'll climb to the top of a clock tower. or I'll dip a ferret and mint, licorice, melanoma, crunch, and I'll start throwing it a kid and say, snack time, Timmy, why don't you get off the tilt-a-wirl and shout out on some ice-cold rat bastard little pet treats? There's no bullets in the air, just whippoorwills and smiles. You know, I love it that you said whippoorwill. Tell the listening audience about a whippoorwill,

because I've tried to describe a wipper will to people, and they don't believe me. It's a hopper whale. It's a bird. Right. But tell us about where does the name come from? It's the noise it makes. Hooperwhal.

Whippoor wheel. Whippoor wheel? Whippoor wheel? Whippoor wheel. And there's one other bird that apparently makes the same noise as its name. Exactly. The taradactyl. No, no.

This is an existing bird right now. Bull eagle. Bald Eagle A bald damn it Bald Come over Eagle Isn't it weird though That a

You know you tell people What a Whippoor Will is And they go what First of all the name's weird But they named the bird After it's It's noise It actually sounds like

Whippoor Will It's the orange Of the bird world They couldn't think anything Creative to call it So like what's that fruit called That's orange That'll do

What do you want to call that bird? Whipperwell, we'll do. I'm going to try and find a whippoorwill sound, and we're going to play it on here. They're a colorful specie, too. Are they? They are. You get a good look at a wipper will.

They have, in the springtime, if memory serves me correctly, they have a myriad of colors on there. But aren't they kind of a weird little ground dweller type of bird too? They're a tiny little fellow. Yeah, they're covered in dust and such like that. They're like, what are those little fellows that that roll in the dust to clean themselves?

Um, homeless people? That's the one. Yeah. Color, homeless people, very colorful. Pair pants. Homeless people. Hungry. Homery.

Homely. Hungry. SARS. Now where to go. I'm going to eat your sleeping bag. I'm crazy. My pants are made out of a tarp. I've got a beard growing on my ass.

My eyes switch places daily. Ha, homeless. These aren't my teeth. They're chicklets. I wear sunglasses on my shoes. I borrowed another homeless man's head. Oh. I swallowed a window.

This shirt's made out of another homeless person's backflash, Taco Bell, rapper, four underpants. Homeless person. Oh, man. Well, here's the other bird, and it's a chickadee. Apparently the word chickadee, because those little birds go, chickadee, ditty. Black cat chickadees live all across Canada.

You usually know them when you hear them, because they often say their name when they call. Chickadee, d'ee. Really? Yeah. A chickadee does we? I was going to guess when you said that there's another bird that is still in existence. For a second I thought it was the owl.

Sometimes an owl will, instead of just a who, who will give out a somewhat arc like, I know, but there's wherein your theory goes askew because you said it will give a somewhat skewed, Whereas who is so clear and concise, wouldn't you logically just go right to the bird should be called the who? The who? And then that's going to lead to countless wonderful British sketch comedy routines. What type of bird is that? Who? The bird.

Where? Who? Where? Why? How? Who? When? I'm a homeless owl.

I'm half the wise that you are. stupid. My feet are Shastikans. Homeless. Crying out for help. Help. I have sand in my eyes. My tongue is black

and fell out. I wear shastikans on my feet. We have to move on. We have to move on because as we sit here, the sun does go down and once more I think people enjoyed it so much

that I think we have to visit this territory again I would love to dip back into this soup pot we are going back to we're going to put our Spanish voices on again not yet you got to hear the scenario hold on hold on suffering succotash

I need you because we are literally in the midst of it right now a beautiful sunset is going to down and I think it's time with our sexy Spanish personas we describe the beauty around us. So here we go. Justin, how's that sunset look to you? Wait a minute. Let me get, let me get some Spanish music here. Oh, that is nice. Perfect. Very good, senor. Yes, I liked, I liked the sound of that. But the sound pales in comparison to the beauty of God's eyeball. He's one good frontal lobe, standing back at you from beyond the horizon.

It slowly lowers itself to slumber for the evening. Oh. The sky is a fire with many colors. Purple. Oh. Yellow. Whip me. Orange.

Slap me. Black. Oh, melanoma. Melanoma. Melanoma sunsets in yours. The sky is on fire with a licorice. A mint. A flavor of the ice cold at summertime treat.

As the good humor truck in the sky, drives off into the wilderness of mystery. I have to say, signor, I have never seen such grades of pink and purple and sun splash. Oh, it is like the Lord Jesus Almighty is doing the watercolor in the sky, yet he is not of the Bob Ross quality. He is new to it, and is making quite the mess. Oh, and what better way to compliment the... beautiful colors, then if you look right there, senor, a flock

of pink flamingos are crossing through the burning eye, sinking behind the melanoma horizon. Oh, as the beautiful flock of the flamingos disappears out of sight, behind them you realize why they were

flying with such passion and such vigour. They were being chased by the helicopter giving the traffic report. So close nearby. flying off into the sunset itself. I can hear the fine pink birds calling in the distance. Quack.

Quack. And the homeless man who looking up at them, hoping that one of them falls into his lap for the delicious pink chicken dinner. Quack. Homeless man of the pink supper time. Oh, the homeless man, he likes the pink Thanksgiving turkey. He looks up at the sky each night sleeping in the alleyway behind. behind the recycling dumpster in the pool of his own West products and things to himself.

I may have it bad on the ground, but the sky, it is beautiful as hope I have just messed my prance again. What have I done? Ah, but despite all this, at least on this night of nights, he shall eat pink meat, pink flamingo meat. Delicious, two-piece and a thigh. meal with the biscuit. The biscuit made from his own dandre for which he has been saving. Like feathered testicles rubbing in between his teeth.

Oh, pink and delicious. Breath is both repulsive and intoxicating. Quite literally, the fermented tongue slime brings the flamingo from the sky. It smelled their homemade mouth moonshine emanating from his grocery hall. horse. You know, the flamingo had flown into the human version of the Venus flytrap, the homeless man. And as I slowly see, the ball of fire sink between behind the horizon, I must say, good night, my friend. Good night.

Chicken chal mane, baby. Wow, that was hot. Pants off. I will tell you, midway through it, you know what changed shape. Oh, really? Yeah, uh-huh. We got us a transformer. The old whiner's schnitzel.

Yeah, that should be when a guy has, like, gets an erection. Is that, is that like becoming a transformer? Like, I think every time a guy gets an erection, his body changes, he should have to yell out, Optimus Prime. I would love to have the transformer sound effect. nearby, right when a girl is P-O-U-U-R-O-O-I-I-O-N-O-O-O-N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-R-O-R-R-I-R-R-R-R-R-I, it is time. It is time for the nature quiz, the Harland Highway nature quiz. Go, go, go, go, go.

You like it? I'm excited. I'm excited. Because earlier you said you love animals, you love nature, and last time you were pretty good at this. I was okay. I think I was like three for four. A couple stumped me, but your clues helped me through. All right. Well, that's what this is all about. What we do is we get a critter from the animal kingdom. We ask the question, you have to try and identify the critter. and within the question are clues that should help you identify the question. Sometimes you get them right away.

Sometimes it's a struggle. That's the beauty of the Harland Highway Nature Quiz. It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. All right, here we go. You ready? Go. You may think it's cool that I am the only flying mammal, but that doesn't mean I don't suck.

You may think it's cool that I'm the only flying mammal. But that doesn't mean I don't suck. I'm going to go with a bat. You're in the wheelhouse. Am I in the wheelhouse? There's another clue in there. You think it's cool that they can fly. This animal can fly because I was thinking mammal, bird, but penguins don't.

So I wouldn't go with penguin, but it sucks. That's where I think vampire bat. Bingo. Got it. Bingo. He had bad. He didn't have vampire. I can't give you the prize money.

I can't give you the jar of cheese whiz until you answer it completely. Vampire bat. One for one for the kid. All right. Here we go. Although I may be cute and terrifying at the same time, it doesn't make me buy. Cute and terrifying at the same time, it doesn't make me buy. Yeah.

This one's a little harder. You know, I'm amping up the game now. I mean, porcupines are cute and terrifying, but there's nothing to do with its sexual preference. I mean, it's some hot man-on-woman porcupine action. Doesn't make me buy. The clue's in the buy. It sure is. That's what gets me.

The clue is in the by. The clue's in the buy, buddy. Buy the by, the clues in your eye. If you're going to make a sandwich, my eye ask for rye? Wow. That was beautiful. Wow. Give me a half a point about it.

That brought an onion to my eye. I'm not going to like Can I get a bonus clue I'm having trouble with it Although I may be cute And terrifying At the same time It doesn't make me buy

I will give you a clue I am a large mammal It doesn't make me buy A panda bear Was it to be a panda bear I mean it's cute and it's terrifying It's large and it's a mammal And I was thinking the black

and white, but that doesn't have much to do with buying. Yeah. A large mammal, cute, but terrifying. It doesn't make me buy by, by cuspids or teeth, so that's nowhere near the right answer. Right. I'm going to pull the shoot on this one. I'm going to roll credits on this. Unless you've got another clue and cue that you want to fire down the old brain barrel.

I will give you I will give you some more Okay I will give you some more This This large mammal enjoys both land And water

Well that could be A walrus That could be A crocodile Is a reptile It enjoys land and water is it a beaver

no it's small because that's small your first instinct with the by clue was was major by i know i'm trying i'm going through my head trying to think of any animal begins with by and all i'm coming up with is low hand but she's behind

bars and i know wait a minute go go back to that why why do you say low hand by bisexual she swings acedc You've ever caught her. She couldn't have the titty have her or the titty lover here. Is there anything else she might be that starts, that would explain her erratic behavior?

By bipolar, bipolar bear! Hello! Bingo! I'm not as dumb as my face would lead you to believe you. Wow, we got there. The polar bear. There you go. By God, bipolar bear.

Yep, he's up. Both cute and terrifying. It is cute. It is terrifying. They are known to reside on the ice flows and then dip into the water to hunt seal. Here we go. Last one. Okay.

Before we wrap it up, this Thanksgiving, I'll be sitting and watching, hoping you choke on a bone so that I can finish you off. Do that from the top again. Here we go. Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving, I'll be sitting and watching, hoping you choke on a bone so that I can finish you off. I mean, if you think Thanksgiving, you'd think turkey, but that would be far too easy for the Harlan Highway travelers. I'll be sitting and watching, hoping you choke on a bone so I can finish you off. and would lead me to believe that it's something

that we would usually finish off and this is an animal this Thanksgiving a gobbler I think of her Thanksgiving is an American Indian waiting in the wings to shoot one of his poison-tipped arrows at me to finally get

his damned land back or at least invite me to play the slots on his reservation what what's funny as you've already said half of the name in your ramblings. Now you have to go back to all your ramblings. I'm going to go through my ramblings.

And so I could finish you off. Turkey was the first ones. That wouldn't have been in. I said American, Native American, would have been an American eagle? No. American turkey, turkey gobbler. Poisoned.

This Thanksgiving, I'll be sitting and watching. Sitting and watching, what sits and watches besides perverts at the edge of a playground hoping the soccer ball rolls towards their van? This candy's going to go bad if I don't use it soon. Stay focused, please. This is a nature quiz. Amber Alert Turkey. No.

I'll be sitting and watching. Can I get another, can throw another clue down the pipe at me? I'm a bird You're a bird Okay So I'll be sitting and watching The big clues

You've already said The first half of it Turkey gizzard Turkey that's a part of the turkey This is a whole thing I mean I Wild turkey Wild

Is it a liquor named after it All right I told you it was another bird It was a bird Yeah a bird So it's not a turkey This is Thanksgiving I'll be sitting

And watching I'm hoping you choke on a bone So I can finish you off This is killing me So you can finish you off And I'm trying to go back through that autistic ramble of mine After the paint chip lunch What

I'm dying on the vine here brother I'm trying to think of something Thanksgiving oriented I mean all I ever have is Is ham Well I'll give you the first word I'll tell you the first word you said turkey turkey is the first word i don't know other like turdur ducan turk no tur that's turkey

i'll be sitting and watching and then i'll finish you off once you're dead a turkey eagle a turkey a turkey hawk what finishes you off once you're already dead what waits patiently and circles in the sky. A turkey vulture. A turkey vulture. A turkey vulture. Good Lord, a turkey vulture. Yeah, baby.

If it wasn't for the finish you off in the sky. Now, I'll be completely honest with you. I've never heard of a turkey vulture. Is that right? I didn't know turkey vultures existing. Yep, they are menacing looking. They're actually here in America. They have them here in California.

They're big, dark vultures, and their heads are like pink. Are they the ones that you always see in the cartoons circling whatever or whatever film, the species half near death? Depends where you are. If it's in Africa, no, because I don't think, I think they're a native North American vulture. But here in North America, if you see vulture circling, chances are it's a turkey vulture. Chances are, if you're struggling halfway near death up the Alameda, that's a homeless person that's stalking you. Yeah. Waiting to take your pelt.

Chances are... Chances are. You can eat my old wishbone. Chances are. I don't know why I'm doing that. Why would I break into... Some 1940s era. Gather around the gramophone, children.

It's time for Guy Nuer, private eye. She comes traipsing into my office legs that go all the way to her but blonde hair like a sunrise and eyes that lead me to believe. some thing's amiss. See? That's right, see? I offer her some bubble gum and advice. Here you go, baby.

Here's some bobbolicious and a clue. Turn around 180 and head back to that sugar daddy up in the hells. Why don't people talk like that anymore? I love, I love, I have such an efficient, I'm an officinato for old radio dramas. We couldn't do it nowadays. Yeah, I'm going to park the minivan and go into the cheesecake factory, say? I'm picturing to stop.

figurin and start supposing. I'm going to Google you later, see? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to Google you, and then I'm going to go to 7-Eleven, see, and get a freshie, see, or whatever they... Can you believe he actually re-tweeted me? I'm on my Facebook the other day, and I get a poke from some young dame.

Figured I'd poke you in return if we ever meet face-to-face. Oh, gosh. Well, look at that. our time has expired here on the Harland Highway again it just goes so fast doesn't it when we're having a great time on the highway with all these fun traveler friends of you guys oh it's fun it's fun well I say we say goodbye let's me and you go get some sushi let's go shout out let's go shout out we're going to go get some sushi thank you for being here tell the folks where they can find out more where they can see you where they can hear you

have your own radio show you have your web website, let them know before we get out of here, Justin. If you ever want to find out anything that's going on on my mind, moment-to-momet, Twitter.com backslash funnyjustin. You could also go to funnyjustin.com for the website. And if you ever want to hear my radio show, it's called the Justin Schlegel fiasco out of Washington, D.C., Baltimore, 98, the number 98 online.com. That's 98 rock, and there's a big listen live link Monday through Friday, 7 p.m. to midnight, Eastern Standard Time. Hard rock, a lot of talk.

And if he gets the chance, I think Justin will probably slip in the Boomtown Rats. I don't like Monday's song, but you'll have to listen closely. Justin Schlegel, thank you. Harlan Williams. Thank you, buddy. Next time, let's do this podcast from a clock tower. Oh, God. With a ferret rifle.

In the sunset. On a Monday. Oh, I like it. Melanoma. We'll get a homeless person. Well, that's it. We are done for now. Thank you, Justin.

And until next time, my friends, this is Harlem Williams on the Harlan Highway. You want to do it with me? Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Hello, my name's Forrest. Forrest Gump. Would you like a chocolate? Oh, thank you. Thank you.