The Harland Highway - PODCAST 165

Episode Date: September 15, 2010

Texting at the wheel, eating habits, a visit from Cinnamon Boy, politician support, logo's, and Rosa Louisa the cleaning lady. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's another tequila sunrise, and you might need a big shot of it to get through this podcast. Believe me, you are going to need to be hammered to listen to this crap. No, I'm just kidding. Hey, wait a minute. Why am I selling myself short here? This is going to be just a fine podcast to have a nice glass of Merlot or a frosty beer or whatever. We're going to be talking about texting, the dangers of texting and driving. We're going to be talking about supporting politicians, making donations, and where that gets you.

Some tragic news regarding the Olympic logo for the upcoming 2012 Olympics. We're going to be talking about eating, how disgusting it can be. Our cleaning lady, Rosa Louisa, I think, drops by. and she's in a frisky mood. And our first guest, I can't believe he's back. His name rhymes with Innaman. It's right here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin. And I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway

I'm not your daddy All right Here we go Well here's something Fun I did last night You are gonna love this I go out last night And it's like

Hi, I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Oh what are you doing here kid I went out last night too Oh you did did you Yeah I went out and had a whole lot of fun All right, settle down, kid. Don't tell me to settle down, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon.

Stop it, kid. What's the matter with you? Nothing. All right, so you went out last night. That's right. What'd you do? Something? Yeah, what is something?

I had cinnamon. You had cinnamon. What do you mean you had cinnamon? I had cinnamon. I put cinnamon all over my body naked, and I ran through the neighborhood, Because I'm cinnamon, boy, and I love cinnamon. Relax, kid. God.

Are you telling me you took all your clothes off, put cinnamon all over your body, and ran through the neighborhood covered in cinnamon? Yes. So you went streaking with cinnamon. Yes. What is wrong with you? I love cinnamon. Stop it. Just stop it.

You're not well. Why? Because nobody goes on and on about cinnamon. Stop it! I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Stop it! Get out of here! Can I take my clothes off? No.

I'm going to take my clothes off and run around your office. No, you're not. Get out of the studio. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm taking my clothes off. Look, I still have cinnamon from last night. Put your clothes on, kid. I'm running around your office.

I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Get out of here! Ah! Idiot! How about my private parts covered in cinnamon? Get out of here! You ever seen sugary cinnamon balls? Look, doing, doing, doying, get out!

Okay, we have to stop the texting while we're driving, okay? Uh, people are getting killed. killed, people are getting injured, people are getting run over, people are getting crushed. The urge for us to text while we drive is overwhelming.

It's bizarre. When you think about, you are moving at 60 miles an hour, okay? You're running as fast as a cheetah. You ever watch a cheetah on the Discovery channel at full tilt and you're just like, oh my God!

You ever seen a horse running around a racetrack at full tilt you're like whoa well that's what your car is doing it's deceiving because cars are just these metal blocks on wheels and there's no external moving parts that the wheels go around in circles but they're going so fast it almost looks like they're sitting still right but the the actual physical car there's no moving parts so it's just this block sliding along almost right and you don't see any muscle tissue, you don't see any fur, you don't see anything that looks like there's any type of strain or effort. It's just, right? Whereas you watch a horse run along a track. You can see its muscles pounding and its mouth hanging open and it's gasping for air and it's charging and there's mud flying

and you can see its ribs and its shoulder muscles and its flank muscles. It just is like a moving machine of muscle and you're just in awe. You're like, oh my God, look at the the power, the grace, the speed. You watch a cheetah motoring across the plains of Africa. It's just like, my God, look at that thing. Fly. Okay, well, guess what? Your inanimate object, even though it's moving, it looks like an inanimate object of a car or vehicle,

is going faster than those mammals I just talked about. So when you hit something, man, you go right through it. Hit it. It's boom time. It's kaboom time. Okay. So when you're texting, you kind of forget. You're in the comfort of your car. You're listening to your air supply. You're listening to your music. You've got the AC on. You got your seatbelt on. You just kind of, there's no effort. You've got your power steering. So you're like, oh, well, this is easy. I think I'll just. I think I'll write Cindy and tell her about the clothes I got, the clothes I got on sale, the shoes I bought at Macy's, right? So here I am the other day. I'm driving along and I see some chick texting, okay? She's texting away, looking down, hits a guardrail, okay?

Smashes through her front window of her vehicle, flies through the air still texting okay she's still texting as she flies through the air a tree approaches she hits the tree still texting

slides down the tree dead okay so I followed up I saw a news story and it looks like they retrieved her phone and her final text if you can believe it. This is what she was texting. This is what she died for. Her final text read as follows. Hey Cindy, you can't believe the incredible shoes I found on sale at Macy's. They're red and black and oh crap, a tree. And that was the end of it. That was the end of her text.

That was the last one. So cut it out. Stop texting while you're driving. None of it's that important. Unless you hold the code for the nuclear weapons, you know, when the nuclear war begins, and you're the guy or the girl with the sequence that has to get through to the president so he can press the red button, that's probably the only time you need to be texting and driving.

Because I'm imagining the world's in chaos. There's mushroom clouds going off, and you're the only guy that can help us fight back. So there you go. And if you have a problem with what I'm just saying here, text me and tell me about it. And I'll be sure to delete it immediately. Oh, I can't believe you're going to eat that. you ever have that happen you go out to dinner with someone or lunch or somewhere and the person you're with is a good friend or an acquaintance or it's a business meeting and you're sitting across and them gabbing it up and the food comes and they've ordered something that you don't like something that you would never put in your mouth you'd rather stop on a highway and bend down and eat roadkill before you put that in your mouth you'd rather stop on a highway and bend down and eat roadkill before you put that in your mouth

like cream spinach oh sitting there and someone shoveling gobs of cream spinach in their mouth they look like Popeye the sailor man and you're just sitting there oh God

don't eat that oh what are you doing man are you crazy oh so I must have my spinach a kukkakakakak Popeye Help, Popeboy

Or someone, you go to breakfast And they order, like, they like their eggs all runny And they're just, like, eating this runny yoke in front of you're just getting turned off of your own meal You're like, oh, dude, you know, and then you don't know whether to say anything You don't want to ruin their meal You can't be like, oh, dude, no, you're not going to eat that, are you? No order some more.

And then I'm going to chew with my mouth open so you can watch it while I eat it. Oh, waitress, bring me a barf bag. All I ask is it before you order your meal, check with me to make sure I'm okay with it. Okay? Yeah, I know. It's all about me, but I don't care. I don't want to watch you eat something that I don't approve of. So there, there you go.

That's the new rule. I'll see you at lunch, everybody. Oh, what a great day. It's great to be alive. It's great to be here with all my friends here on the Harland Highway. And, oh, boy, here's something that, I don't know if I should talk about this or not, but I'm going to. The government has been for the last six years. Hi, Harland.

Hold on. The government for the... Hey, Harland. Hold on. Rosa, Louisa, the cleaning lady, is here. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Okay, but I'm in the middle of cleaning the copy room. Okay, well, you go do that, and when I'm done in here, you can come in here and clean here. I don't know about that. I think you might want to come check out this little project I'm working on. What?

Well, okay, so you know that new copy machine they just got? Yes, the Xerox 5379-2000. Exactly. I was just laying down on it and I it's exactly the perfect height. It's like waist level for you So you were laying down on the the well, yeah, I was testing it out so that you know I just thought you could come in and check it out with me. I also noticed that there's some toner that they have Yeah, the toners the bottles of toner. Yeah, it's like has this really oily substance kind of feel to it. So I was thinking you could just rub me down.

You know, I'm busy. We're doing a podcast here. There's a few other things that we could, you know, just kind of see how it works. You know those little paper clip things with the black little clip at the top? The black clasp? Sure, I've got some right here on my desk. Yeah, exactly. Those.

I love those. What do you mean? Well, here, let me just, you know, let me show you the general area that I'm thinking of. What are you doing? What are you, why are you opening your top? Rosa Louisa. Okay, I'm not putting black. I've got a podcast to do.

Thank you. I think you should get to cleaning. I think we have something to do with the photo machine. You can have pictures for later. And I'll give you a little. a little doggy bag full of toners that you can take as a reminder. Rosa, Louisa, thank you. I'm very busy.

I've got to take a break here, folks. We'll be right back after this break here on the Harland Highway. Are you kidding me? They got the toners in there. It's like a baby oil or something? It's exactly like baby oil. It even smells good. Don't ask me how I know this, but it smells amazing.

And I'm going to get pictures off the photocopier. Yeah, if you want to see one, I already took, I can show it. Let me see. Hold on. Oh, my God. We're still recording. Oh, my God. We're still recording. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

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offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wow. Okay. Whoops. Boy, that is one frisky cleaning lady. I would never get involved with that. That's against the union rules. It's, you know, that's just, I never, never. What a whack job, right?

So let's get to the little commercial I was talking about. And it's not really a commercial. This is like free. Okay, usually a commercial is to sell you something. I'm not selling you anything. This is actually good news for you folks who listen to the highway here. There is a thing that I've signed up with now. It's called Stitcher.

You go to stitcher.com and it lets you listen to the Harland Highway on Stitcher. You can listen on your iPhone, your Android, your Blackberry, all that stuff. It's smart radio for your smartphone. So all you have to do is go to stitcher.com, download it for free, do it today, and it's amazing. I've done it, and whenever I want to hear a podcast or a radio station or the Harland Highway, I just hit my Stitcher app. The comedy category comes up. I hit favorites, and there it is.

There's no, like, crazy downloading and plugging in, and it's just, There. So check that out. Stitcher.com and very, very cool. Okay, so let's get to a story here that I think is kind of funny. There's a politician in Venezuela. I'm surprised it's not here, but he's offering breast implants as a tries in a raffle to raise funds for his parliamentary election campaign. You know, some people will raffle off a TV, some people will raffle off a car, some people will raffle off a valuable painting.

This guy is raffling off breast implants. Now, what's horrific about this story is he's not raffling. raffling off like a voucher where you can go to a surgeon and have your, you know, get breast implants done. He's actually raffling off breast implants that are, that were inside of women who have, are deceased. He's basically raffling off bags of silicone, you know, if you give him some money for his campaign, you can get some dead chicks, boobs. Okay, no, I'm kidding. He really is raffling off breast implants. Now, can you imagine the caliber of surgeon?

You know, first of all, most politicians are low-life and slimy and always out for the buck, right? As if some politician's going to reach into his pockets to get you a top-of-the-line surgeon, right? can you just imagine going to this guy's surgeon you show up at a doctor's office in Venezuela looks more like a steel tool shed and you're like hey man I'm here for my breast implants doctor and there's some guy like sitting in a tool shed smoking a cigar with a leaf blower hanging on the wall he's watching bullfights on an old black and white television he's wearing a sweaty wife beater his hair's all oily right he's got one of those bandito mustaches hey come on in man you ready for your implants yeah i fix you up man pull

your shirt off woman excuse me yeah get your shirt off let me see them mongo melons man um excuse me i won this from a very prominent politician and yeah right let me let me do a breast exam woman let me make sure uh you know see what i'm working with oh my goodness mind if i shut the toolshed door and turn the bullfight up a little bit so watch what you're winning from these politicians man i'm surprised that's something that hasn't been happening in the state who is that creeped John Edwards, who went out and lied to the public, he was having an affair. I can see that guy pulling that.

Or Bubba Bill Clinton, the guy who was having his sexual perversions fulfilled in the White House Oval Office. I can see guys like them pulling that kind of low-life crap. Oh, God. What are you complaining about, man? You want me to, uh, you don't maybe give you a butt implant, sir? No, I'm good. Come on, take your pants off. I'll turn up the bull fight.

O'le! O'le! Ah! Okay, this is probably the dumbest story I think I've ever heard in my life. As you know, the Olympics are coming up again soon. 2012. It looks like, I guess over London, England is where they're going to be. And it looks like they've designed an Olympic London. logo you know there's always an olympic logo with a kooky little cartoon character some guy running

with a bunch of flames or something well this time they've done this logo that's a bunch of odd shapes and squares and rectangles and it looks like kind of a modern art type of thing not the most appealing thing i've ever seen and nobody else seems to like it but they're saying that this thing is so oddly shaped and the colors are so vibrant or so whatever that this logo just by looking at it could actually cause a seizure. Are you kidding me? You sit down to watch the wide world of sports, some guy, you know, jumping over a pama horse, you know, somebody doing a floor routine and then the logo shows up in the background and suddenly you're having a seizure on my couch.

Turn off the TV. Hey man, what happened today? Oh, man. Bad seizure. Put him in a coma. Are you serious? How? Logo, man.

He got logo. Olympic logo, dude. Oh, my goodness. What's it look like? There's a picture of it right here. Oh, my God. Oh, sorry, dude. Ah, sorry, man.

Looks like you're a vegetable. Logo. Oh, logo. Are you kidding? How ridiculous. If that's the case, why in the military over an Iraq? Forget the bulletproof vests. Just hook up our soldiers with a bunch of flashy t-shirts.

have them run over the hill the enemy pops up and oh they must shoot the American soldiers oh wait a minute let's under cheats it as a logo I'm having his seizure a wicked wicked seizure how dumb

the only seizure you should be having is when the Harland Highway goes off the air every night you can't live without it oh okay so you're ready for a I can hardly believe it story check this out um you know i live in hollywood holly weird california and um it may sound crazy okay i live in the middle of hollywood and i have deer that run around on my property i have deer on my

front lawn on many occasions i can be sitting in my living room watching television at night and i look out the window and there is a full-grown deer standing on my lawn. Okay? So being a nature boy, loving the deer, blah, blah, blah, I go out to, like, a feed store, right? I go out to a feed store out in the country and I buy a salt lick. Now, for those of you that don't know what a salt lick is, you can see them quite often in a pasture or where there's cows grazing. farmers are put a big block.

It looks like a big, giant square block of ice. But it's actually salt. And I guess it's important for a cow's diet. And what happens is the cows go up and they lick the salt lick. And I guess my theory was that I guess any hoofed animal would like the salt lick, right? So I saw, you know what, the deer in my front yard, I'll get a salt lick. I'll put it out there, and, uh, you know, I'll be all buddy, buddy with the dears. And, uh, you know, I have this nice garden where, uh, you know, I've done a lot of landscaping and I've

planted a lot of plants and I've done, you know, quite a bit of it myself because it's stuff I like to do. And, uh, and so sure enough, the deer started showing up more for the, uh, for the salt. Okay. but then all of a sudden I woke up this morning and I look right outside my bedroom window are these beautiful tropical plants that cost a bit of money and I put in the ground myself and I look and there's teeth marks

in my tropical plants where the complete like leaf of the plant has been bit off and when I say leaf I mean these are these tropical type plants They almost look very cactusy. They've got the long leaves sticking up out of the ground. It's hard to describe, but they're these long kind of succulent leaves. They're about like a foot long, each leaf.

And like most cactus plants, there's a lot of moisture inside the leaf. And there's no prickles on this plant. I think it's from the cactus family, but it's not an actual, like, cacti. and for the first time I'm seeing my beautiful plants have bite marks in them. It's like when you see like a cupcake or a donut, you know, when you get that bite, that one bite mark out of it, and you can see the teeth marks and the icing. This is what the leaves on my plants look like.

You can actually see the deer's like teeth marks. So now what I'm thinking is these deer, you know, I tried to cut them a favor, and they're paying me back by destroying my plants. But here's what I think happened. They're going over. They're eating the salt. They're licking the salt for a couple of hours. And we've all had salt, right?

It makes your mouth dry and puckered and sour and you're thirsty. So what's a deer to do but go, my God, my mouth is all puckered up. Oh, my goodness. This salt is delicious. But now I need some. moisture oh look at those wonderful plants over there so now the damn deer coming over and showing down on my plants to offset the salt what am i the hometown buffet all of a sudden you seen those restaurants what are my sizzler ponderosa denies what have i created a noah's denny

up on my front lawn here so now i'm like torn do i do i do i get rid of the salt lick, right? This wonderful treat, this salty, delicious treat. I've gone out of my way for these wonderful hoofed animals, and they pay me back by decimating my flower bed. And what's scary is, you know, one of the ones with the bites out of it is directly outside my bedroom window. And my bedroom window is on the ground floor.

I'm not up in the air on the air on the side. second floor so literally from the end of my bed if i were to go through the glass door outside it's about four feet okay four or five feet from the end of my bed to where the deer was standing chewing flowers well i slept and had dreams of salt licks that sounded really dirty didn't it dreaming of salt licks yikes um so anyways first of all it's hard to believe that there's even deer up on my lawn i mean literally i can look down and see like all of hollywood downtown l.a it's crazy oh i don't know maybe what i'll do is i'll buy a pet lion and then the deer can be the food for the the lion and then there was an old lady who swallowed a frogs he swallowed a frog to catch the fly

to get you know just turning into that old song god what have i started i started a nursery rhyme song we're gonna have to get the whole food chain up here and they all have to like eat each other till finally everything's back to normal but then again it's never normal here on the harland highway is it oh well we made it through today's podcast nobody's eating me yet the only thing i suggest you eat is until next time a big bowl of chicken chow maine baby there wasn't old lady who swallowed a cow i don't know how she's swallowed a cow she's swallowed a cow to catch the goat she's She swallowed the goat to catch the dog. She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider that wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but I don't know why she swallowed that fly. Perhaps she'll die. There was an old lady who swallowed a horse. She's dead.

Of course.