The Harland Highway - PODCAST 167

Episode Date: September 20, 2010

How to tip, strange sounds, garage sale madness, old trucks, deja vu, owls, and info on my new indie movie Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face! Blast off Billy Boy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We are the champions, my friends. And we'll keep on podcasting till the end. Yes, we will, right to the end of the show. But we're at the start of the show now, so why are we talking about the end? That's just sad. Let's be happy. Talk about the beginning of the podcast. Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway.

I'm Harland Williams, your host. your MC or matre d whatever can i get you some crackers some sardines no i can't because this is an audio experience not a physical experience what's the matter with me well lots of things going on today we're going to be talking about noises on your roof what's that all about we're going to be talking about garage sales uh we're going to be talking about deja vu we're going to be talking about deja vu we're going to be okay i think you get it we're going to be talking about owls everyone loves owls and tipping does anyone really know how to tip at a restaurant does anyone here find it as confusing as i do maybe it's just me maybe i need an owl to do the math and then lastly i'm

going to be talking about my independent movie fudgy wudgey fudge face we have a new website we're going to tell you about. You can actually watch footage of the UFO that I filmed. This is real. And it's all here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy You ever have deja vu people

And I know in a way you automatically do Because every day at a certain time You flick on the Harlan Highway And you ride along with me And it feels like you Wait a minute I was listening to this yesterday Deja Vu man But I don't mean that.

You know what I mean? You're in a time or a place. This thing started unfolding before your eyes. You're convinced you'd been there before. You're like, wait a minute. This is all too familiar. It's as if I knew he was going to say that. And then, yeah, that boat's going to go by in the background.

And then, yeah, somebody's going to start crying. What's going on here? it is weird isn't it we've all had it deja vu i wonder how you explain that if there's a medical explanation a scientific explanation for these little short moments in time that we totally relive interesting it's too bad you couldn't pick and choose right Hey, Dan, what's going on, man? Oh, dude, I got laid last night so good. Oh, yeah?

Yeah? You want to talk about it? Oh, I can't right now, man. I'm deja-moving it right now. You're what? I'm deja-voing it, man. I'm rewinding it over and over and oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, oh, Dave. Oh, sorry, man, I was deja-moing.

All right, well, yeah? Oh, okay, man. See you later. oh yeah if we could deja vu the finest moments in our lives that would be a treat i guess in a way the only way you can really plan for it is to be here every day on the harland highway wow that's really deja vu man shut up sorry and speaking of uh things repeating okay not necessarily deja vu but but things repeating how about this and tell me if uh this happens to you folk folk-y-folk um you're laying in bed at night or you're sitting in your office or you're

sitting in your living room reading a book and all of a sudden you hear footsteps and i don't mean footsteps out in the yard. I don't mean footsteps coming down the hallway. I mean footsteps up on the roof. I mean footsteps running across your roof. And I'm not talking about Christmas time. I'm not talking about reindeer landing on the roof and Jolly St. Nick. Oh, oh, oh. I'm talking about critters running around on your roof. Isn't it a little weird when that happens, a little unsettling? I think you're just sitting there quietly and all of a sudden you hear what the hell what what what what what was that something running around on your roof right and you don't know what it is because it's so like kind of uncommon and you distinctly hear like footsteps and they're like what the hell is someone doing on my roof and then you start analyzing you go wait a minute those footsteps they were you know the space between foot-hitting roof was very short. So you surmise it's a smaller critter.

But then because you're sitting in the house alone, your mind immediately goes to horror movie mode, and you think, wait a minute, Chuckie, that little doll. Remember that doll Chuckie from the horror movies? He's got little tiny feet. His feet would make that kind of sound. The patter and the spacing of his feet, that's Chuckie on my roof.

hello andy i'll be your friend till the end he he he he he ha you spill your hot chocolate all over your lap i mean what the hell are critters doing on your roof are they sunbathing or they you know it's a nice big surface especially if you have a flat roof right those critters can be up there playing around a ball hockey maybe some soccer they've got a pine cone it's a bunch of squirrel up there and they're kicking the old pine cone around over here over here over here over here oh god get off my roof up yours hey watch it up yours um so i don't know i don't know if you have that i mean the only time you should hear uh people on your roof or footsteps on your roof is like i said Christmas time, okay? And maybe if there's a guy up there fixing or re-shingling or something.

But then again, think about Christmas time. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You've got, what's the average full-grown reindeer? Maybe, you know, close to 200 pounds, 180, 190 pounds. Let's say full-grown 20220. Okay. And what did Santa have? Was it 12 rain? Reindeer, I think. So that's 12 reindeer times 220 times Santa Claus, who's a fat, you know what. Ho, ho, ho. So throw on another 250. It doesn't surprise me nowadays as a human fatter than an animal.

So you put all that together. You've got like two, three thousand pounds up on your roof. What the hell? I wonder I need new tiles and new shingles. You've got a bunch of animals and a fat guy on my roof. And then what's his sled way? Okay, the sled with all the toys, that's got to be another thousand pounds or more. Toys for the whole world?

I'm amazed more roofs. Don't cave in. You know what? I take it back. Give me the squirrels. You know, they weigh about a pound each. have at it have your world pine cone cup up there and uh you know what maybe i'll uh i'll put a big sign on my roof for christmas that says hovering only okay santa can get one of those uh those sleds that

uh you've seen those the harriers those jets that just hover when they land santa can get some hovering reindeer they it's like us learning out of tread water he can teach his reindeer out of kick their hooves so they create some kind of wind turbulence that they just hover over the chimney right all right so there you go stay the hell off my roof i don't think so so andy oh god i'm going to go get a hot chocolate i'm really really scared you better be Andy okay so dig this you're rolling down the harland highway you're in your car you're coming home from work you're listening to me and you get behind a truck not just any truck you get behind one of those trucks that looks like it was kind of built circa 1979 it's kind of half dump truck half pickup truck

half I don't know what flatbed truck and the guys who own it you know there's seven different colors of spilled paint on it and cracked mirrors and rust and they've made some homemade kind of barriers for the sides of the truck you know like random pieces of wood and lumber and plywood half of it's cracked and got holes in it it looks like it's wobbling and the stuff in the back of the truck is so overpacked in there that is pressing the barriers of the side of the truck outwards and you get behind this thing on a highway and you're just waiting for something to fly off a mattress a couch a bush a tree some gardeners i mean i anything can come out of there man it's crazy

they're like death mobiles man so anyone who's got one of those trucks stay away from me go trade it and take it to that show the antiques road show see if you can take it there and see if someone will give you like eight or twelve dollars for the piece of crap I mean we're all going to die

but I don't want to die vis-a-vis an old refrigerator rolling off the back of some guy junk truck. I'd rather get beat up by a supermodel. So watch out for junk on the Harlan Highway. All right, so this story cracks me up, okay? This is a ridiculous story about ridiculous people, but, you know, once again, it illuminates the human race and our antics. this went down in California a 70-year-old dude who was like a yard sale guy

he got into it with another old yard sale guy okay I guess what happened is the two guys like found out about this garage sale right and they got there early I guess they were the first the first two pickers on the premise and they got there and they get up to the place and they're walking up the driveway and one of the old guys wants to get there ahead of the other old guy so he tries to trip the other old guy now I'm talking about a 70 year old dude and a 64 year old dude all right picture them like huffing and

puffing up the driveway and their baby blue track pants oh my god I got to get to that garage sale. That before I do, you son of a bitch. What are you talking about? Take this, you son of a... You know! Right? Trips the old guy, okay?

So that's where the violence started. So then Oldie McOldy gets up, joins the guy that tripped him up at the yard sale, right? Picks up a five-pound cast iron cornbread pan, bashes the guy in the head with it. Bong, borne, oh, you son of a bitch. I'll teach you to trip me. Bong.

Oh, Jesus. I think I just crapped my nappy. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Can you believe that, man? I mean, first of all, most of the stuff you get at a yard sale is just junk, right? It's junk people are getting rid of. Not all of it. Okay, I'll be fair, but a lot of it's just junk. but to resort to violence and you're like in your 70s I'll be damned if he gets that velvet painting of the kitty cat

crying velvet tears before I do I'll be damned if he gets those old people magazines from the 70s before I leaf through them Yeah. Well, lookie there. Oh, my God.

Look at that. A picture of a sailboat going by a lighthouse. I mean, it is a little faded. I can barely see it. Oh, wait a minute. That's actually a... Okay, that's a picture of President Kennedy. What the hell was I thinking?

But I'm going to get it. I got it first. I got it first. You shut of a bitch. Bunk. Do you believe it? What is wrong with people? Hey, share the wealth, share the goodies.

Take your time, okay? Stop fighting at the garage sales. Imagine if just by fluke someone was selling some old boxing gloves. Maybe a samurai sword. One of the oldies puts on the gloves. Come on, put them up, you son of a bitch. These gloves are only 50 cents. Yeah, well, this samurai sword's only $4.

I guess I won that one. All right, I have a question for you, people. It's me, Harland Williams. You're on the Harland Highway. Does anybody out there know how to tip properly? I don't mean fall over. I mean tip, tip a waiter, a waitress. You know, you get to the end of the meal,

and here comes the bill. How much do I tip? I don't know, man. I think it's like 40%. What? That seems high. I don't know. 20%.

Well, what you do is you take the total. Yeah. You multiply it by how old you are. Okay. And then you divide it by what century Christopher Columbus landed in America. Right. And then you subtract the temperature of the earth's crust. Okay.

and then you divide by how many children were in the Brady Bunch. Oh. Okay, so it looks like this tip would be on a $63 meal, $1.2 trillion. Well, that's the way it goes. I mean, she did bring our desserts quickly. Huh? I mean, I just can't figure it out. I'm bad at math as it is.

But I get to the old tip thing, man, and I never know what to do. I'm just standing there like a lost child at a mall. Just looking around, scratching my head, wondering where to go. But they should give us a little chart or a little something or other to help us through so we can tip everybody properly. And here's a tip for me to you. make sure you're here every day on the harland highway no percentages no division no math now that's a solid tip here's a fun story i guess i'm always kind of going on about the wildlife the nature

that uh kind of lives in and around my place and um the other night i'm uh i'm out uh you know walking around in my yard you know that's what i do at night man i just i put a pillow slip on my head and i walk around in circles on the yard in the yard hoping that the aliens come and see me uh um but um it was cool because i was walking around and uh all of a sudden i heard like ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho i'm like what uh i mean obviously i knew it was an owl but it sounded like the damn owl was like almost sitting on my head right and I listened and there it was again and in my yard there's this one kind of tree that's about 30 feet high

and I was standing right under it and from what I could tell this owl was sitting right on the very tip and it's a weird tree it's not like a big tree that that blossoms out and you have like the mushroom effect where there's a small stem and then all the bushes this is one of these kind of tropical trees where it's kind of goes straight up, and then there's a few little, like, branches sticking off the side. So you can basically see, from standing at the bottom, you can see right to the top of the tree without any obstruction, really, at all. So I went in in the house, I grab a flashlight, and I come back out, and I start scanning the tree, and sure enough, there's a giant owl sitting right on the very top of this tree, about 30 feet up,

and I'm right below it. And it hoo's again, it's like, who-hoo-hoo-hoo! And I'm like, wow, man, so I'm going to hoo-back. So I give it the old, who-hoo-hoo-ho-ho-hoo. And I guess the thing wasn't as wise as I thought. It, like, spins its head around and looks right down at me, okay, with its giant eyes.

Those giant big eyes are now stirring right into the beam of my flashlight. I was almost like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. the stair there buddy okay if looks could kill that's that's the type of stare that would almost like a loved first sight i mean the stair was so intense it almost knocked me off my feet you know you ever you ever lock eyes with uh someone of the opposite sex out at a party or a nightclub and you're just like whoa whoa what was that shockwave well imagine getting that from the uh you know the wisest of all the birds with their giant knock maternal eyes just staring out.

I was like, who, who, who, who, who, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, right? The thing's like, who, who, who, who, who, and I'm like, me, that's who, me, who, me, who am I staring at? Me, who, me. That's who. So anyways, it was, it was fun to have that kind of interaction with the owl because you realize You don't really see owls very often, right? You see any other type of bird is flapping around seagulls and crows and robins and blue jays. They're all there, but how many birds are out at night?

How many are late-night partiers? Mostly just the owls, you know, I'd say I don't know about every bird in the world, but I would, it's safe to say I've been about 99.9% of all birds. are like daytimeers, and the owls are, like, wiser than everyone else. They're like, yeah, screw that, man. I think I want to be, you know, hanging out with all those knobs. All those birds flapping around, chirping, making noise, eating all the food. Screw that, man.

I'm waiting until the sun goes down and the moon comes up. I'm going to partay, man. Right? That's their world, man. So, you know, pretty cool, pretty cool experience with nature. I dug it. And, you know, I hope you get a chance to see an owl too. Who? You. Who? You. I hope you get a chance to see an owl. Who?

You. You. You. You. who up yours up yours too now i mentioned talking about walking around in circles in the yard yes yes i did uh making crop circles for the aliens and speaking of aliens check this out okay my uh my independent movie that i wrote and directed and starred in and blah blah blah uh is called fudgy wudgy fudge face and it just premiered in a film festival on Sunday yesterday at the Burbank Film Festival in California and it was awesome. It was awesome to have your movie in a theater

and people watching and laughing. But it's kind of like the big kickoff for this movie that I've been keeping under wraps for a long time. It took me about six years to make this film, okay? I'm not even joking. It's one of these ones. I went out on the weekends and I put it all together and blah, blah, blah. So in getting the movie kind of up off the ground,

what we're doing is I've created a website for the movie so you can find all about it. It's called fudgefilm.com. That's fudge film, one word, f-l-m-fudgefilm.com. and you can go in there and you can read all about the movie you can watch deleted scenes from the movie you can see the poster

you can see behind the scenes pictures and what's really cool I think you people will like this and I'm not even joking here on one occasion when we were shooting I accidentally think we shot a real UFO I know it sounds crazy but you got to check it out

there's a page on the website the UFO. Check it out and you can be the judge. You'll actually see something fly into the frame behind my head. It's very bizarre. It's very weird. Most people who have seen it cannot explain it. I have my theories, but I'll let you be the judge. Check it out. Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, my new independent movie. The website is called fudgefilm.com. And the movie, will be available at amazon.com for rental or download we're still we're still putting that together so it might not be there yet when you go but we are working on it and and then we're going to work on getting some hard copies out to people very soon so we'll keep you posted on

that so check it out fudgefilm.com and you know start to learn about my crazy indie movie, fudgy wudgy fudge face with some really funny actors and comedians. Andy Dick is in there, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, Tom Papa from NBC's Marriage Counselor show, Alonzo Bowden's in there, Michael Rosenbaum, the gentleman who played Lex Luthor on Smallville, Josh Cox, who plays a badass in the movie, all kinds of fun people. Jessica Lundy, incredible comedic actress. So check it out, fudgefilm.com.

And I think you'll get a kick. I'd love to hear your feedback about the whole UFO thing. So if you want to shoot me a line, you can email me at harlomwiliams.com. or you can call me, leave me a message at 323-215-1486. I'll give it to you again, 3-2-3-2-1-5-14-86. And there you go. Don't forget you can listen to the show for free at Stitcher.com.

Go there and download an app for your Blackberry, your iPhone, your droid. and you can have the Harland Highway on your phone and listen to that, wherever and whenever and however you go. And speaking of going, I have to go. We are at the end of this podcast. Who? This podcast. Who?

This podcast. Up yours too. Woo! So there you go. Stay wise. Make sure it's in the eyes. And until next time, Chicken Chow. Maine, baby.

Hoo-hoo! Up yours. Up yours, too. Hmm.