The Harland Highway - PODCAST 168

Episode Date: September 22, 2010

Waiters, girl secrets, sea creatures, air safety, and phone messages. Gulp, I swallowed a tasty podcast!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And if she should tell you, she loves you, whoa, just tell her no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm listening to the Harland Highway podcast. Yeah, yeah, you can't, you can't let love get in the way of the Harland Highway, right? And speaking of love, we are going to be talking about girl secrets today. Yeah, things that girls do that maybe we don't want them to do. Maybe some things are best kept a secret. We're going to be getting into sea creatures in some of their mysterious ways. Are they more crazy than women? I don't know.

We're going to be talking about something very important. Air safety. Yeah, air safety. Everyone needs to hear this. We're going to be talking about waiters and how annoying they can be sometimes. And also very annoying sometimes can be people's phone messages. We will be talking about that. So it's just a sweet little bouquet of fun treats today.

And tell your friends, tell your family, gather around the speakers, or wherever you sit. Maybe you gather around the mushroom. just gather right here on the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway

Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Romp-spin And I'm your friend Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Okay, welcome to the Harland Highway. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I want Iron Maiden on your ass right out of the gate. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Little David Lee Roth, maybe. I don't know. I'm going to start with this, because, people get mad at me about this I have my web store at Harlem Williams.com and I put up all these kooky little one-of-a-kind

homemade items for sale I'm all about originality you know me I'm all about the one-of-a-kind experience in this brand name world that we live in right so I create this artwork I create these homemade t-shirts

that I hand draw I create little carvings made out of cereal, all this crazy stuff. But I rarely tell people it's up there. I just kind of plop it up there and let them go find it. But you know what? People write me letters. They're like, why don't you tell us through there? Every time I go to your site, it's already sold out.

So here it is. Go to the web store at harlomwiliams.com. There's a bunch of kooky new t-shirts. There's some crazy cereal art. They're just nutty stuff. So browse through. If you see something you like, get it. Don't hesitate because it goes pretty fast.

So there you go. Now, let's get into the show. I got that out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that was like a heavy metal endorsement. Here's one for the ladies. Okay, ladies, I'm going to say this to you because, and this is to help you, okay?

This is going to be a big help to you, ladies. And it comes under the phrase, don't show all your cards. Don't tip your hat. Don't let us peek behind the curtain. And this is something you ladies do a lot because ladies love a bargain. Ladies love a sale, okay? But how many of you guys have been out with a beautiful lady or your girlfriend or a new girl you're dating or whatever? maybe even your wife, I don't know.

And they've got a new handbag or they've got a new shirt or they've got a new outfit or they've got new shoes. And you check them out and you're like, wow, man, cool. You know, in your head you're like, my girl's looking hot, man. Look at those, wow, look at those new pumps. Look at that cool handbag. Look at that necklace, man. Look at those earrings.

Are those diamonds? And I got a classy, classy lady who's not a. afraid to spend a little money on herself to look good right and then what happens is we'll be out or we'll be hanging around and you know maybe you kick your shoes off and you're like how do you like my new shoes baby and you're like baby those are hot yeah they're pretty good aren't they oh my god yeah i got them at kmart for 899 he can't even tell their fakes um yeah yeah i mean Wow, they're not quite as hot as they were just five and a half seconds ago, but yeah, but I love your earrings with the diamonds in them. Oh, don't they look real? What? Yeah, I got these at Macy's. They were on sale.

$4.99. They're not even real diamonds. Like, don't they look real? Um, I guess, yeah. Aren't they hot? Well, yeah, they were like four and a half seconds ago before you told me that you're a cheap ass. What? Well, you just told me. I thought you were all pimped out in this expensive stuff. And now I find out like your wardrobe costs like $7.99. What about my dress? Okay, I love the dress.

1749 at Ross. What? What, I wasn't supposed to tell you? No, that's okay, homeless girl. What? Okay, you get my point, ladies. Don't tell us that you got the cheap version of something. Don't brag about your low-end merchandise.

Don't make us think you're wearing $5,000 pumps, and it turns out you got them, you know, on the side of a street in New York from a vendor. You're not helping yourself. you're not plusing yourself you're not ingratiating yourself to us you're pretty much blowing the illusion okay

it's kind of the equivalent of a girl saying I'm going to come pick you up in my car it's a convertible and we're going to fly up the beach and stay at a hotel and so we're thinking okay she's rolling around in a mazorati or a jaguar

or a Lincoln, and we're going to go stay at the Ritz Carlton, and then she shows up in a Volkswagen Beetle, and we go stay at a Motel 6 on the other side of the road where you can see the ocean. Okay, look, I'm saying this to be nice. You ladies put a lot of work into your image. You ladies put a lot of thought into fashion selection, and wardrobe, and general appearance.

And it works, okay? Us guys, we like it. We like the effort. We like the bells and whistles. We like it when you look hot. And I guess part of the illusion is, you know, we think you go out and you spend money and you get high-end stuff. But I'm just telling you, for the record, it loses a bit of its punch. When you tell us it's imitation, you tell us it's not real.

Instead of leather, it's like Korean plastic. you tell us it was on sale in the bargain bin you know we don't need to know just put it on it looks good guys don't know much about clothes they don't know much about brand names you had us at hello okay you had us at pumps hello don't pop the bubble don't cheap yourself out i know you girls love a sale you get all excited oh my god i found these oh it's imitation prodda imitation Prada oh oh 995 oh girls okay yeah tell all your girlfriends great good for you girls can't wait to do that with the other girls don't tell us okay too many of you do that crap we don't want to know fake us out fake us out if you have to don't don't let us know you're a cheap quad don't let us know

that you're willing to, uh, you know, get the stuff that's of lower quality. Because then we start to go, well, what's that say about you? What's that say about what kind of a relationship I'm going to have with you? What am I going to get come Christmas time or at my birthday? Hey, baby, I bought you a Mustang for your birthday. Oh my God, you bought me a car? Yes, I did. Open it up.

You wrapped up a Ford Mustang. Yeah, here. and she hands you a little box. You're like, what the hell is this? It's a plastic model. I got it at the hobby shop. It's a Ford Mustang. What?

I can't wait to you open it and we glue it together. Oh, God. All right, so keep the candle in the window, ladies. Keep your secrets to yourselves, okay? We don't want to know if you got a Verico's vein zapped off. We don't want to know if you got a mole cut off. We don't want to know about the Zit or the bullet hole you had removed on your ass cheek. Okay?

Just keep the image up and we'll be just fine. Does that make us men shallow? Yeah. But believe me, we'll get deeper later on when we have to. If you know what I mean. Hello! Yeah! Oh, waiter.

Yes. I'd like to order something, please. Yes. I'd like to order that you keep the hell away from my table, thank you. Oh, that'll be extra. Get out of here. All right, for all you waiters listening and all you folks who like to dine out, hey, we can't dine out without the waiters.

We love the waiters, right? But here's something I do not like about the waiters, and this is just certain waiters. Can you guys time your visit to my table so that when you approach and say, how is everything, how's the chicken pop pie? Is it delicious? Could you time that moment

when I don't have half the chicken pot pie in my mouth where my cheeks aren't puffed up like a chipmunk who's storing nuts? where I don't look like Louis Armstrong blowing on his trumpet. Do you guys do that on purpose? You stand over behind the counter and they're like, I better go over and check on my table. Yeah, man.

Oh, not yet. Wait till he puts some food in his mouth. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, he's got a big mouthful. I'm going over. Bye. Hi, how's your meal today? Is it delicious?

Pardon me? I can't understand you, sir. Well, I'm, I'll just, I don't know. Yeah, get out of here. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. I have a feeling some of you guys are doing it on purpose. Well, maybe next time I'll just pull a Linda Blair and throw up my pea soup all over you.

How's that vomit for you? How's that? Is that, all right? Is that working out for you, waiter? Huh? Is that okay? Can we get you some more vomit? Yeah, turn the tables on those guys, man.

Look, I know it's not an easy job, but isn't it incredible how often they time it? And it's not just when you're like, you got food in your mouth. It's just as you took that bite. Or it's just as there's like a piece of lettuce hanging down to your chin or you're slurping up a noodle

of spaghetti, right? It's like the spaghetti's in your mouth and there's like about 12 inches between the mouth and your bowl and like, how's that meal? And you're like it's great, thanks. Okay, just checking. So knock it off, please.

And that goes for the managers and the dishwashers. Did you ever get one of those restaurants where they send out the whole parade? Right? The waiter comes by, how's your meal? Excellent. Manager comes by, how's your meal? Excellent.

Bartender comes by. Everything okay? Excellent. Dishwasher comes out. How those plates, I just washed them. Excellent. Leave me alone. Tell you, man, that's why we go to the drive-thru, isn't it?

Do you imagine of that carried through? right you go to the drive-thru you get your burger you're halfway down the road you're like five miles away chowing down on your big mac and all of a sudden through your radio speaker yeah how's that big mac doing there buddy what i said how's the big mac fries okay you need another refill on your soft drink there imagine that coming right through your radio in your car Oh my God So let us eat in peace And

We'll make sure we don't get some peace soup all over you Hello Yeah Hey everybody Harland Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you And I just got to tell you I saw something really weird the other day I don't even know if I should tell you

I don't want you to think I'm weird, but I was over at Staples, you know, the office supply store, and I went into the pen aisle. You know, they got a whole aisle just filled with dozens and dozens and hundreds and thousands of pens. And I saw a bunch of squid and a bunch of octopi sucking on the pans. Sucking the ink right out of the pans. Is that legal? Is that considered shoplifting? Do they have a problem? Do they have a drinking problem?

I went to say something and they squirted an ink on me and disappeared. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I don't know why I'm talking like this, but it feels good. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, okay, okay, slow down, slow down. Okay, so you folks, of all, slow down, okay. So you folks have all been on an airplane, right? We've all flown, most of you have. And I don't know if you've ever caught this, but there's this area on the plane

where there's a few seats that are over the wing, okay? There's a few seats over the wing, right? And there's a little more legroom because these are called emergency exit seats, okay? So basically, I guess there's doors on the side of the fuselage. there and uh these would be if the plane went down and uh hoping that the wings don't uh catch on fire because that's where all the gas is you know not likely but if the wings don't catch on fire

and you have a nice soft friendly landing crash landing uh the idea is you throw those side doors open over the wings and everyone jumps out but here's what happens that gets me a little nervous and makes me question the whole airline safety procedure thing, right? Okay, before the flight leaves, after everyone's sitting down, before they even shut the door on the plane and roll back, they walk up to the people sitting in the emergency rows by the doors, and usually it's a fat guy, it could be a kid, it could be an old man, it could be a blind guy, it could be an overweight guy,

it could be a couple of young girls from a cheerleading squad it could be some accountant it could be just about anyone stewardesses walk up or flight attendants excuse me up yours um they walk up and they give a little spiel to the people in the safety aisle okay quotes i'm doing air quotes when i say safety aisle okay because here's what they say they go hi folks how are you welcome We just wanted to let you know you are in a safety aisle, and in the event of an emergency, would you and could you be willing to assist other passengers off the plane, open the doors, and help organize and plan the escape?

And here's the response. Like, what? All of an apple juice, please. No, sir, I said, okay, make it a ginger ale. No, what I was saying is, could you help people? Do you mind I'm trying to sleep? I know, sir, but if we crash, you're going to be the link between everyone living and everyone dying. Ah, I guess I'll have the chicken. I had the fish last time.

Right? So can you believe it? With all the training, these air attendants or flight attendants or whatever they're called get, with all the 9-11 crap, with all the box cutters and the, the, um, Cockpit door is bolted down tighter than Fort Knox. Looks like if we crash, we're leaving our lives hanging in the balance based on whether fatty or oldie or blindy can rip those big giant safety doors open and guide us all out. Excuse me, I don't remember any of those people sitting there going through a training course.

I don't remember seeing them reading a pamphlet. I don't remember seeing them getting a lecture. I don't remember seeing them having one millisecond of training. Are you kidding me? You know, the captain and the crew are all jumping out the big rubber slide at the front or in the back. Everyone in between, which is most of us, we're counting on Bubba and Uncle Chubby to help get us out of the middle of the plane, man.

Are you kidding me? Most people panic if there's a blackout or a light bulb burns out. We're counting on the guy who works at Home Depot from Seattle, who's on a trip to go visit his sick mother for the weekend. The guy who works in the sprinkler aisle at Home Depot, we're counting on him to throw the doors open, pull the latches, kick the big 700-pound. a fuselage door open and organize everyone. Okay, everybody. Everyone stay in line.

Everyone single file. Nobody panic. One by one. That's it. Just jump out the door. Jump out the door. Down the slide. There you go. You're all going to live. What has he got? His microphone from Home Depot. Attention. Attention shoppers. We have an evacuation door on sale in aisle 59. If you'd like to come up here, the first 12 customers get to live. Are you kidding me, man? These people are going to assist in an emergency?

This is how it would really go. It's like, okay, planes coming in, we're wobbling, we're crashing. Here's the school teacher from Pittsburgh jumping up to help assist, get everyone off the plane at the emergency doors. Here's how it goes. First I'll do the crash. And then it's like, Oh my God, oh, what do I do?

Faint, heart attack, panic. Are you kidding me, man? You might as well say, you might as well walk up to those people in mid-flight and go, excuse me, what do you do for living, ma'am? Oh, you know, I do some online marketing, but my husband here is a plumber. excellent excellent we just had you're not going to like this

but you know our pilot and our co-pilot one had a stroke and one had a heart attack and they're both dead at the wheel so would you mind coming up and flying the plane and landing oh of course I wouldn't mind my husband's a plumber as I said

and I do marketing yes excellent come on up what a joke so I don't know why they even do the spiel I don't know why they don't have some other arrangement. How about, like, just not have seats there, airlines? Yeah, ooh, you're going to lose a few hundred bucks a flight.

Ooh, sorry. Sorry that our lives, the rest of the 892 people on the plane's lives, aren't worth a few hundred bucks. How about not putting seats there and putting big bright lights and having a little button so when you press it, the door blows off like it does in a fighter jet when they're crashing and those guys go flying out of their seats.

Do you think maybe we could have something that's easy, accessible, doesn't need an explanation, like a dumbass could do it? Okay? Is that too much to ask for our patronage? Good Lord. Leaving it up to Bubba Gump

and his friend mental over there. I think we just crashed, man. I wondered what that bump was. What should we do now, Elwood? I don't know. You want to order another beer? Okay. Come on, man.

Unreal. So let's get it together, airlines. Let's make it safe. Take one row of seats out, and please give us a fighting chance. Can I get my beer, please? Hi, this is Harlan Williams. When I phone your house as your friend or your buddy, and you're not there, can you please just have an answering machine that says,

Hi, we're not here right now. Call us back. Instead of having your daughter singing a song or your little boy reciting a poem or you playing one of your favorite songs, you know, some spandau ballet or some Duran Duran, I don't really have time to hear your taste in music. As much as I like your daughter or your son, I don't need to hear baby talk.

I called to talk to you. So don't use up my time, please, with a minute and a half long message on your answering machine. In fact, change your messages to, hi, Harlan, I'm not here right now. Sorry, I missed you. Call me back. Bye. Yeah, I want all of you to do that just in case I ever call you. There.

Keep it short, keep it sweet. Here on the Harland Highway. Oh, yes, oh yes. Those annoying. annoying phone answer messages. Well, here's something that I want to share with you, folks, before we slip away into the Black Abyss here, I really want to make you aware of a new website that I have up.

It's called fudgefilm.com. fudge film f-l-m dot com and this is a website for my indie movie that i wrote and directed and star in with a bunch of my comedic friends a movie i did called fudgy wudgy fudge face um we're working on getting the movie up on amazon dot com so that you can rent it or download it uh we will let you know when that is to go. In fact, check it. It might even be in place as we speak. This is all new. This is all something that I'm working on. So it's a crazy, nutty movie. But nonetheless, if it's still not available online, you can check out fudgefilm.com, and you can kind of get a lead in to the movie. You can find out about the cast members. You can see behind the scenes. You can, there's even a

a UFO in there that I filmed, all kinds of nutty stuff. So check that out. And I think you'll get some laughs out of it. And I certainly hope you got some laughs at it today. If you didn't, I mean, I'm just going to go jump off a truck and it'll be parked. I'll land right there on the driveway or the curb, but I will jump off a truck if you didn't laugh today. That's going to be two, three feet right there that I will. I don't know why I do it for you people, but I do.

Tell your friends, get your friends on the highway. You can also go to stitcher.com and get your friends through that method. Stitcher lets you download the Harland Highway for free onto your iPhone, your droid, your Blackberry, Whatever you have, Stitcher will let you get the Harland Highway. And, yeah, the more people we can get listening, the more fun we're going to have. It's great. I hope to have a website up for the Harland Highway soon with all kinds of fun features. That's a work in progress.

I will keep you updated on that, on that there, son. But I do appreciate you being here. I have a great time doing this, and I hope you're enjoying yourself. Don't forget, you can always email me at harlemwilliams.com. If you have a show topic or a letter or a grievance or a compliment, whatever you want, send me a letter. And every now and then we do the listener mailbag, and we read your letters on the podcast.

Or if you want to be more verbal, you can just call the Harlan Highway at 3,000. 215 1486 and you can say anything you want and who knows that might even make it on the air here at the harland highway studios uh but that is it for today hope uh this catches you smiling giggling wiping a tear from your eye and uh as always my fine highway travelers until next time chicken chow maim baby sea crest out