The Harland Highway - PODCAST 169

Episode Date: September 24, 2010

Good God, I forget what's on this one - oh well, just have faith, dive in and enjoy a mystery grab bag of Harland Highway fun! HA HA... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you wish upon my heart by, makes no more friends Will you go When you wish upon my goodness Your dreams Oh, now there's a cute little song to get you into your podcast, right, folks? Sure is, sure enough is.

And your dreams will come true on this podcast. Believe me, we're going to be talking about very important things like your emergency break in your car car. I'm going to be doing a scientific experiment in aerodynamics with some leaf blowers. Hello. We're going to be talking about letting go. Yeah, at what point do you let go of things in your life? We're going to be chatting about dirty teeth.

You've all had them. dirty teeth. We're going to be talking about water. Some people claim that they know how to tell the difference between various waters. I don't believe them, but whatever. And then one other thing I don't believe is that it's Friday and I have to sit down with Dr. Ascot and do my online therapy, which sucks. But what has to be done has to be done. It's all good.

We're going to have some laughs. We're going to have some good times right here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay, I have a question, kids. What in the name of hell is an emergency break? Oh yeah, I know we all got one in our truck or in our car. but how many of you, and I think all of you, have done this,

you get in your car, you start driving, you're driving along, and you've been driving for 15 minutes or 5 minutes or 10 minutes, and all of a sudden you go, oh, wait a minute, my emergency brakes on. You reach down, clonk, pull the lever, now it's off, and you keep driving along. but did it ever occur to you people that for 10 minutes 15 minutes 20 minutes you were rolling along with the so-called emergency brake on isn't it an emergency break I was under the impression

that if you're rolling along and your main brakes give out or you need to react and just stop your car on a dime in an emergency, like a baby rolls out into the street and a carriage, you just grab that emergency break and crank! Oh my God, thank God for the emergency break. I stopped. Well, if that's what the emergency break is supposed to do, how come I can drive around on it just fine?

How come I can actually even start to get out of my driveway, and I've got the emergency brake on. Shouldn't my car just be revving on the spot? Like, oh my God, what's wrong? I can't move. I've got it in drive. I got my foot to the gas. Oh, there it is.

The emergency brakes on in case of emergency. Good to see the emergency brakes working. That's why I couldn't move. Wrong. You put your car in drive. Off you go. Emergency brakes on. How about we change the name to the BS break?

That emergency brake does jack squat. Let's hope my airbag actually works. How does that work? I smash into something and after I've hit it and the cars come to the airbag goes off? What a crock. Emergency break. You're riding down the heart.

I'd rather put my foot out the door and try and stop it with my foot. Grind it to a halt. Give me a break. Give me an emergency break. Okay, big question of the day, boys and girls. All right? At what point do you let go of things? All right?

Let me just get into this here because it's just, this is weird. people are weird at what point do you not take something at what point do you let something go okay case a couple of cases in point okay i'm at the airport the other day i'm in one of those long security lines are waiting to go through the x-ray machine everyone's got their bags their carry on their shoulder bags their doll their roller dollies whatever you want to call them and some guy like some some like 28 year old guy was standing in the line with a giant half of it looked like the biggest cantaloupe I've ever seen. Okay. It was cut in half so you can see the orange middle part and he had some saran wrap over it. So here's this guy wandering through this line. You know the one

where you go back and forth. It's like Donkey Kong. Right? And, uh, and this guy's pulling his suitcase in one hand and in the other hand he's balancing this giant cantalope and i'm like dude really honestly like you couldn't just toss that like you're gonna you're gonna stand around in a line you're gonna carry a half a melon in your hand around an airport you're gonna go through the x-ray machine you're gonna go through this tight line packed like cattle wandering into the slaughterhouse and you're going to have a melon in your hand dude what is wrong with you at what point like why is he keeping the melon is it really that important that he eat it later or is he one of those guys and are you like this you're like well listen here come on

this melon for your information mister this melon cost 325 okay now i've only eaten half of it obviously. So if I throw this other half away, it's like flushing a dollar 26 down the toilet. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to eat my melon. All right, stingy ass. Have your melon. Let's see if you have any friends while you're at it. I don't want to walk through the airport with a guy with a melon. And I'll tell you what, if I'm working security at the airport and some guy starts walking through with half a melon, I'm going to check. that guy. I'm going to cut that melon open. I'm going to think what kind of whack job wanders through an international airport with a melon in his hand. He looked like a circus act,

like a juggler. It's like, one hand, he's got an amazing suitcase. And in the other hand, half a melon. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gather around for the incredible jugglo. It's jugglo the melon balancer. What the hell? What the hell? Chaglo Unbelievable Okay, so that's one story Okay, it's like Why can't people just get rid of crap

Now here's another story And this one's kind of wacky Okay, I'll never forget it I was out with a friend once Okay, it was a girl And we met up to go grab a quick bite We hadn't seen each other It was just, you know, it wasn't a romantic thing

It wasn't a date, it was just like you know a get together so we go somewhere simple and we go to this deli where they serve soup and they got it in big bowls and she's plowing through her vegetable soup and she finished it way before me and I had a big bowl of chicken noodle soup

and I probably ate less than half of it okay so I finish it you know I finish what I wanted to finish And then the waiter comes along and she goes, oh, can I take the rest of my soup? And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, wait a minute, you only have like half a cup of soup left. I guess, all right, it's her soup. I guess she's entitled to take it.

And then she looks over to me and she goes, you're not going to finish that? And I go, no, I'm done. She goes, oh, wrap his soup up too. I'll take that. I'm like, you're joking, right? Like, I totally thought she was joking. She's like, no, that looks like great soup. I'm going to take that.

I'm like, wait a minute. Soup isn't like you're cutting a steak and your fork and knife are the only thing touching the meat, right? Or any other type of meal. Usually it's just your fork and knife touching the food. But with soup, you're like sticking your spoon in and you're slurping. Right? You stick the spoon back in.

You slurp some more. Are you telling me you want to eat someone's soup? That's like watching a dog drink out of a bowl. God, do you have many enzymes and bacteria and microbes and SARS and swine flu are swirling around in that soup? And that's just my soup. Oh, God. So sure enough, she takes the soup.

soup home and it's just been stuck in my head forever. It's like, makes me queasy. So what I'm saying, and I guess maybe this is related to food, at some point, just let it go. Okay? When you go to get that doggie bag at the end of your meal, do you really want the little strip of meat still hanging on the lamb chop? Do you really want the half a piece of cake? Do you really want that spaghetti?

Like, yeah, you're going to warm it up, but. Is it really going to taste any good? And maybe you're from the school like, well, I don't want to waste food. But yeah, when you get home, do you really want to eat it either? I mean, you're kind of stuck in that Netherlands. I don't want to waste money either. Yeah, well, what's the difference? You paid for the meal.

Who's going to know if you ate 12 bites or 2 bites? You paid for the meal. So whatever enjoyment or satisfaction you get out of it in that moment, that's the meal. To continue eating it two, three days later because you want to make sure you eat that whole $24.95 you paid for that meal. I don't know if it's always worth it. But hey, I'm just asking, when are you going to learn to let go? You know, I'm always trying to push the envelope here. trying to bring you people new and exciting things to put a smile on your face to intrigue you

to entice you to tell your friends about this incredible show you know not too long ago a few days ago last week i can't remember i've got a bad concussion i put an outboard motor on my back and started it up a nine horse power murk and i didn't think anything would happen but I went right through a wall okay very painful but you know you know the old saying if you fall off the horse get back on it ride it again and so

I can't let one bad accident slow me down so what I'm doing today I've got four leaf blowers here and excuse me will I get them on I'm strapping them on my back here got a little harness that goes around my chest, I'll click that in, right? There we go.

There we go. Let me just adjust these. I got four good-sized leaf blowers on my back. And someone challenged me saying, oh, they'll lift you right off the ground if you start them all up in unison. No, I'm sorry, folks. You know, I'm almost a 200-pound human being. Four leaf blowers are not going to lift me off the ground.

This is not the Jetsons, okay? okay this is not future world these are lousy leaf blowers so let's uh prove the theory wrong ha ha big big surprise there kel supris i'm gonna fire these suckers up i guess i'll you know wait a minute when did we get this ceiling fan what we've got we had that put in last week and why didn't i notice that is there any way we can turn it it off while I do the leaf blower thing? No? Okay. Well, what the hell? I'm not, what am I talking

about? As if I'm going to even get one millimeter off the ground. This is ridiculous. Okay, let's let me just check that they're on tight here and here we go. I'm going to fire them all up at once and this should be over in a couple of seconds. Here we go. There's

one. There's two. There's number three. And there's number four. I'm okay. I'm all right. I'm all right. Oh my God, I can't feel the top of my head. What the hell? Oh my God. We're going to be right back. Enjoy the music. Has anybody seen the top of my head? Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I need my cranium. Anybody?

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oh god what will i dream up next everybody what stupid stunt will i pull next i'm like the modern-day evil can evil aren't i Oh, the things I do to keep you entertained. Or am I just keeping myself entertained? I do believe that's it. Oh, now here's something from the personal hygiene file, everybody. Yeah, you've all done this. Have you ever forgotten or for some reason not been able to brush your teeth before Betty by?

Have you ever done that? Maybe you're traveling and you forgot to pack your toothbrush and your toothpaste. Or maybe you're out later than you thought and you end up on a friend's couch. Or are you going a little trip and you forgot your stuff or whatever reason it is? Or maybe you just were lazy and you said, I'm not wasting an extra minute brushing my teeth. I'm tired now. I'm going to be...

Right? But then when you wake up in the morning, oh, my God, your whole mouth tastes like rhino ass, right? Your tongues all pasty and the inside of your cheeks. It's like there's fungi and mushrooms growing on the inside of your mouth that looks like that jungle and avatar, right? And your teeth, oh my God, your teeth, it feels like you ate a paper mashay pie. All right? It feels like you need sandpaper to grind that crap off your teeth. It's like there's a layer of crust.

Like, you know, when you look at your showerhead, you take your shower head off after 13 years or your tub faucet. Or, you know, the rim of your faucet in your bathroom, there's that cakey, lymie, calky, pulpy stuff that builds up. It feels like your teeth are encased in that. Oh, and it's just like you're walking around and you're grinding and your teeth. You can't even, like, drink something. You're thinking, oh, I better have a Coke, man. That Coke will burn all that layer of fudge off my teeth.

Nope. It almost makes it worse. It's almost like everything you eat or put in your mouth sticks to the paste. And it just gets thicker and thicker and thick. It's like a clogging artery, right? Oh, my God. It's awful. The teeth are all dry.

Right? Oh, God. So for God's sakes, do yourself a flavor. And brush your dirty, rotten teeth before you go to bed. I mean, how did cavemen do it? How did pioneers do it? How do animals do it? Don't they feel that stuff?

Huh? I mean, God, cavemen must have had rotten, bad breath by the time they were 12 years old. They must have stunk like a horse's ass. I mean, think about it. We go one night without it, and it's like Rottenville. It's like a moose. on the side of the road and the flies have already laid their eggs and it's just rotten so uh do yourself a flavor brush your damn teeth no matter where you are i don't care if you have to pick up a

two by four for a bunch of rocks and swish them around in your mouth you know whatever you have to do Just scrape your avatar world mouth out. I'm going to wash that with a big bar of Harland Highway soap. Hello. How many of you out there can taste water? We've all met someone, right, who somehow has, like, dog taste? You know what I mean? How dogs can hear?

and smell better than humans. I wonder if they can taste better than humans. Is that possible? But have you ever met somebody who claims they can taste the water? You're out at a restaurant or you're at the grocery store and you're buying bottled water

and they're like, oh my God, this water is just delicious. Oh, really? Yeah, just wonderful. Well, good, because I just squeezed it out of that washcloth. I used to mop up floor. Oh, well, it, what is it? Is that spring floor water? Oh, God. You're going down the aisle at the grocery store. Now, what do I want? The Evian or the Perrier or the Rocky Mountain

or the Crystal Springs or the Crystal Geyser or the Ouija water or the Fiji water or, uh, uh, hello, it's water. Yes, but this water over here, the Crystal Mountain Springs bubbling Crystal grizzly waters, delicious. Oh, really? Why? Oh, it just tastes so watery. Oh, really? Yes, the other waters are not so watery, but this one, Crystal Bubble Springs, Formosa, Jingle, Jingle, Geyser Water.

It just, it tastes so rich and watery. It's got that wonderful watery, watery taste that I love so much, unlike the other waters that just don't have the watery feel that I'm looking for. well here's some water look at this I'm holding your head down in the toilet and I'm drowning you huh how's that taste that comes right up from the ground baby yeah that's spring toilet water

and I think it's the only thing I want right now to help shut you up it is rather delicious it's got a little spicy tang to it oh my god glug glug glug glug Oh. Hey, guess what, everybody? It's Friday.

Yeah, oh yeah, you're probably all. Oh, yay, Friday, T-G-I-F. Yay, it's the weekend. Well, guess why I don't sound too happy. Yeah, you know why. You know why. Don't patronize me because I got to go and do my therapy session on the air

with the studio therapist, Dr. Ascot, because I think I have a nut loose. Every Friday, I got to do this. Ah, here we go. Oh, God. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Alland. What are we doing today?

Holland. What? I just want to get this over with. Holland. What are we doing today? Holland in life, we must try and maintain a steady balance, Arland. Yeah, I know one must try to maintain a steady balance. Duh. Holland.

What are we doing? Arland, today I want to work on your balance. Okay, my balance. Great. What do I have to do? Arland, I want you to put on this costume. Excuse me? I want you to put on this flamingo costume, Arland. What the hell is that?

It's a flamingo, Harlan. Holland. Yeah, I can see that. It's pink and feathery. Are you kidding me? Holland. You want me a full-grown man to put on a pink flamingo costume? Holland, as you know, flamingos stand on one leg. They are very good at balancing. Okay. So what I want you to do, Holland, is get into the mindset of a flamingo. Put the flamingo costume on and balance on one leg.

You have got to be kidding. Holland, do you see how the flamingo is pink? Yeah, I see it's pink. And do you see how this slip in my hand is pink? You are not pulling the pink slip thing on me. Holland, you will be fired. Oh, give me the flamingo costume, you moron. Holland.

Let me get it on Can it be any tighter? Arland Okay there I've got the I've got the flamingo costume on Excellent Arland let me hear you make some flamingo noises What are you talking about

I want this to be convincing Arland the more you think you're a flaming The easier you'll be able to balance, Arland. Oh, my God. I thought this was about balancing my mind, not physically. Holland, we must be balanced in the mind, body, and soul. I don't know how a flamingo sounds. Try it, Arlund.

I don't know. Excellent. Do it some more, Arlen. Excellent, Arlen, do it some more. No, no, I'm not doing it some more. What do you want me to lay an egg? That's not a bad idea, Arland. No, let's get this over with.

I'm going to stand on one leg, and I'm going to balance in this stupid costume, and then I'm getting it off. Excellent, Arlen, there's only one other requirement. What is that? I want you to balance on one leg, out on the window ledge Excuse me

Out on the window ledge Arland Where we can really truly Test your balance You want me In this stupid pink flamingo costume To get out on that window ledge Where everyone can see me from down on the ground

Are you out of your mind Holland I have a pink slip Oh my god All right I'm going out on the ledge I'm going out there and then I'm coming right back. Excellent, Arland. Open the window.

That's it, Arlen, step out onto the ledge. There you go. Now stand on one leg. And... Hey! Hey, what did you do? Hey! Eskorn.

Eskorn. Open this window. Open this window. What are you doing? Arland, you must learn to stand like a bird out on the window. Open this window. Open it right now. It's getting windy out here. It's getting windy.

I can't keep my balance. Stand on one leg, little flamingo. Let's go it over this window. It's getting windy. Let me hear some flamingo noises, Arland. It's getting wind. Oh, no. Oh, go ahead.

Hello. Oh, God. What is wrong with Ascot, man? This just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. Good Lord, when am I going to be done with this therapy crap? Haven't you people, the Powers of the Bee, figured it out yet, that I'm okay, that I'm perfectly normal? No, okay.

Well, I guess we'll just have to. see who wins at the end and speaking of winning at the end go to stitcher.com if you haven't done so already and you can download for free the Harland Highway on your phone you can be listening to the Harland Highway on your cell phone you can plug in earphones to your phone

or you can just listen to it out loud on the speaker on your phone it's really cool I've done it myself stitcher.com it's also a app on your phone you can get and it's really cool man so check that out and speaking of out oh my god we are out of time sadly it goes so fast when you're standing on a window ledge just like a flamingo doesn't it oh boy all right well i hope you had a good time folks um certainly did, as always, and hopefully we brought some chuckles, some giggles, some mirth and merriment to your face, your face that needs as much and as many laugh lines as it can fit on there, because

life is short, so you got to yuck it up. So that's it for this podcast. Until next time, Chicken Chow, Maine, baby. like a flame in the sky flying over the island to my lover nearby When the sun meets the sea, say farewell to my lover, and haste to me. You know. Blamenda.