The Harland Highway - PODCAST 170

Episode Date: September 27, 2010

Amazing facts you didn't know, Dead Julia Childs, ghosts, street names, angel wings, and yes, Cinnamon Boy. Sweet mother of meatloaf! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm willing to believe in the ways of podcast. And I'm a really, okay, I do believe in podcasts. And the reason I do believe in podcasts is because my mouth is moving and I'm sitting here and I'm doing a podcast. So, therefore, I am forced to believe in podcasts. And if you're here listening, then you must believe in podcast, too. I do believe in podcasts. I do. I do.

I do believe in podcasts. Roof. Well, you better believe it because Cinnamon Boy is coming in today, and he's talking about his sex life. Ew! That's something I don't want to believe in, but I got no choice. We're going to be going over some incredible, strange facts that I bet you didn't know much about. Really nutty, weird stuff. We're going to be examining the prospects of all of us becoming angels when we die.

Is it a convenient thing to be an angel or is it just awkward? And if you don't make it to angel, do you become a ghost? What kind of ghost will you become? Weird. We're going to be talking about your street. Do you have a goofy, embarrassing, stupid street name? I hope not. And then lastly, Julia Childs will be coming back from the ghost.

grave with some recipes. It's all right here on the heavenly Harland Highway! You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey everybody, you are on the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams, your host and limo driver getting you down the road, getting you home safely. Hello. And we got someone with us here today who we haven't had on for a little while. She's a favorite.

We miss her. I don't know why it's been so long. One of the finest chefs, one of the finest food preparation people you'll ever meet. Here she is. Back from the grave, Julia Childs. Hello, Julia. Oh, hi, Arland. How are you?

It's so nice to be out of that hole in the ground. Do I smell like earthworms? Yeah, you do a little bit. Oh, God. Give me some palm olive. Take it easy, Julia. Today, I can't wait to tell you about my new delectable treat. Oh, goody.

What are you got for us today? Like some kind of ribby steak or a pheasant or some kind of shrimp dish? No, it's a sandwich. Keep it simple, stupid. Kiss. Oh, okay. Did you just call me stupid? Yes, I did.

But I'm dead, so there's nothing you can do about it. Well, you got me there. Well, here's how you make it, Harlan. a knuckle sandwich. Okay, what do you need? A loaf of bread, some deli meat, some mayonnaise. No, I just need you to stand right there in front of me. Okay, you want me to hold... Ow! What the hell did you just do? I just punched you right in the mouth, sucker. What the hell did you do that for, Julia? It's called a knuckle sandwich, dumbass, and you just ate a large one. Oh! Hey, that's not funny. It is to

me, I'm dead. Anything will make me laugh. All right, that really hurt. Now, how about another one? Ow! What the hell? Well, hey, you got to eat well if you want to live well, and I should know I've been dead for 18 years. Well, better get back to the graveyard.

Don't want to start to stink up the place. Yeah, why don't you get back there, Julia? Okay, dokey, see you next time. How about a knuckle sandwich for the road? Ow! Don't come back anytime soon. Don't worry, I won't. Wow.

Oh, I think I lost a couple of teeth, man. It's Highland Williams. I got to get to the orthodontish. Harlem Williams, we're a mouth guard here. Oh, I'm a Harland Highway. Ow. Can I get some mayonnaise? Okay.

Okay, here we go, here we go. This is, it's time for the, uh, the did you know, uh, segment here. And why am I saying it like I do this all the time? This is probably the first time I've done the did you know segment. But some interesting things, uh, stupid things, but did you know that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain? Good Lord. doesn't that apply to most human beings too aren't our eyes bigger than our brains

maybe it's just me uh did you know that go is the shortest complete sentence in the English language I did not know that go is a sentence can you imagine some poor kid in a spelling bee

or the poor spelling bee judge uh your word today is go Um, could you, um, use that in a sentence for me? Go. Yes, in a sentence. Go. Could you use it in a sentence, please?

Go. Could you, would you, could you use it in a sentence, please? Go. Ah! Um, did you know that Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Americans, not just one person, but all of us. That's over 300 million people eat 18 acres of pizza a day.

Gee, wonder why we're chubby. Can you imagine, why don't we just, like, scorch the ground, cut down all the trees, and, you know, someone just run around throwing pepperoni and green peppers and tomatoes all over the ground and we can all just get down on our knees and graze like cows right and then the cows can be driving by in their minivans burr look at the humans oh they're fat aren't they that's scary man that's like that weird statistic you know They cut down 18 acres of Brazilian rainforest every four hours.

But us, it's like we eat 18 acres of pizza. Holy God. And speaking of food, here's one. Did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Taste what with their feet? Gee, that air sure tasted good. I mean, what is it? they taste and what do they land on a flower can you just smell it i'm just glad we don't taste

with our feet can you imagine going to a restaurant you're at the buffet some chinese buffet and some fatty pulls her shoes off grabs an egg roll eating with her feet someone's got a got a baskin robin's double scoop ice cream cone on the other foot You know, they're doing like a spread eagle on the floor. Oh, my God. Ew. Here's another people thing. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

I don't know if I believe that. So we got you spying on the other side of the border. We will put you in front of the firing squad. then shoot you dead. Well, okay, as long as you get rid of that spider that's been crawling around up in the corner of my jail sale. Spider, you say? Yeah, right there.

Yeah, everybody run for the lives. Ah, run for the lives! Ah! I don't know, man. If it comes down to, like, some guy pointing a gun at my head and a daddy long legs? hell man web me

roll me put me in a web hang me upside down and milk me whatever that means um do you know that only one person in two billion

will live to be a hundred and sixteen years old or older uh duh has anyone here ever even met someone like over 90 not a lot of us

make it to a hundred. How about only one person and two billion even make it to a hundred. How about that? 116? Who the hell's 116? What are you? A Galapagos tortoise? How do you live to be 116? Well, I eat yogurt every day and I, uh, I, uh, what's my name? come on man and then lastly here's the last one before I shut the old did you know file

that I supposedly do all the time women blink nearly twice as much as man could it be that they're flirting with us more you know how women bat their eyelashes is, hi, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, how are you today? Ding, ding, ding, ding.

How was your weekend? Ding, ding, ding, ding. Could that be it? Or could it be that they're always putting on eyeliner and makeup and pruning their eyebrows and their eyelids and their sticking pointed objects and things towards their eyes? Yeah, that could be it. okay men just kind of stand there all day glazed over oh their eyes hanging open staring at a computer looking at donuts watching a haughty walk down the street right just kind of like comatose like a zombie yeah i don't think it's any surprise that women blink twice as much as man although that is kind of

weird. That means they see twice as much darkness as we do in their life. I mean, even though it's a millisecond, it still goes dark. So at least that's one thing us men have over women. Or if I'm knowing the competitive nature of humans, the women are going, yeah, but we can blink better. We blink way better than you. You can only blink half as much as us. Bing, ding, ding, ding. All right, you beat us again. And that's It's it for now from the did you know files that I do all the time that I've never done before. Just trying to keep you up to date here on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed,

walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. We're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts.

Weapons. Hey, Harlan. I just was wondering how Cinnamon Boy handles himself in the bedroom. Is there a cinnamon grill somewhere out there for him? Because I could just imagine it now. Oh, Cinnamon Boy! Oh, yes! We've got to have cinnamon on me, baby!

Yeah, wow! I want to hear it, babe. Bye. Oh, God. I did not want to ever have to deal with Cinnamon Boy's love life. But because one of you called in and had an inquiry, the management said it's a legitimate question. The listener is always right. We have to address the listener's concerns if Cinnamon Boy gets it on.

Unbelievable. So against my better judgment, I brought this kid in to get the answer. Let's just do it and get them out of here. How are you doing, kid? I'm good. Yeah, why's that? Because I like cinnamon. I'm cinnamon boy.

Okay, enough. Look, do you have a girlfriend? Maybe. Surely. I'll never tell. Oh, good. Okay, then you can leave. Wait a minute.

Yes, I do have a girlfriend. Cinnamon girl. And she loves cinnamon. Oh, God, you mean to tell me you actually found a girl that digged your vibe? Yeah, ever since I've been on your show, I get late all the time. Everybody's heard about my cinnamon stick, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon, and girls love my cinnamon stick. Take it easy, kid. You take it easy.

No, you take it easy. You're disgusting me. Why? Because I have a bigger cinnamon stick than you? Oh, no, you don't. dragging me into this competition. I think I do. Oh no, you don't kid. Well, how big is yours? All right, I'm not getting into this. You've got a tiny. You've got a tiny. Oh, God, get out of here, kid. I would, but I'm afraid of slamming my giant cinnamon stick in the door, because I'm cinnamon boy. Get out of here. Unreal. Please no more calls about that.

Oh, here I! Here I! Here I! Get out of here! How many of you have thought about becoming an angel? No, I'm serious. When you die and go to heaven, don't you become an angel? I mean, don't you grow those little wings and stuff? I mean, do you really want wings, is what I'm asking? Honestly? I mean, you know, sure you can fly and stuff, but you're in heaven. You know, what are you going to...

Gee, I think I'll fly from this cloud over to that cloud. And then I'll fly down to those clouds and over to those clouds. It's not like you've got to get to work. It's not like you've got to get to a meeting. It's not like you've got to meet the guys for a drink. You're just kind of floating around and everything's great. You love everybody. Hey, Billy.

Okay. I said hi to you. Fly over and say hi, hi, Johnny. There's Karen. I better fly over and say hi to Karen. Hi, Karen! I mean, aren't they a bit cumbersome? Like, how do you go camping when you're an angel?

Right? I mean, can you just picture an angel trying to get into a sleeping bag? That can't be easy. Let alone just getting into the tent. What do you do with your wings once you're in the tent? You know, going to your friend's wedding,

You gotta get fitted for a tux. You know? Excuse me. Would you mind cutting two giant slits right in the back? Excuse me? Yeah, right down the back of the tux. Just two giant slits. I beg your pardon, sir.

Oh my Christ, he's got wings. Now do you see why I need those cuts? You got it, sir. You know, can you imagine? you going to a movie? I mean, those little seats in the movie theater? They're all crunched up. Your wings are climbing up your back.

People behind you got their feet up on your wings. They're blocking people. You down in front. Hey, you, Angel. Yeah, can you move the wings, please? What are you on, Osprey? Bees! People are whispering.

Oh, look at the guy with the wings. Oh, Christ, I wonder if he's going to leave an egg on the seat when he's, oh, God. You know, some fat guys eyeing you up in a restaurant, you know, some batty's over there eating a giant steak, and he looks over, he's like, good God. What I wouldn't do to have those barbecued wings over there. Excuse me, I'm an angel. I don't care what you are. I will, chef, get me the chef. Somebody barbecue those wings.

they look delicious oh oh oh oh right I mean you'd always have to sleep on your stomach unless maybe you hover right you'd always have to be on yours on your on your stomach or how about love making are you allowed to make love when you're an angel imagine the poor woman on her back baby oh oh oh oh wait a minute oh oh oh my wings oh oh that pinches oh you're twisting my wings stop oh baby come on i'm right in the middle of it oh oh get off me get out oh why can't we just do it doggy style because i'm tired of your wings slapping me in the face that's why well then whatever i mean god yes god i'm talking to you god wings seriously can you just give us like roller blades or something you know you know maybe uh bigger muscles maybe uh help us drop 50 pounds or something and what size wings do you give the faties i mean

there's some people on earth here who die and they're over 500 pounds. What kind of wings do you give the chubby? Like teradacta wanks? All the other angels blow away when they fly in. Ah, here comes chubby. I don't know, man. So just for the record, God, you know, maybe give me some detachable wings. you know

kind of like roller blades you can just strap them on or strap them off you know i can hang them up in my little uh heavenly garage when i'm not using them have a normal back go for a massage somewhere huh won't be getting any massages when i've got wings maybe i can go for a pruning yes uh mr williams your five o'clock pruning is ready for uh if you would just mind putting this robe on and head into the back room and Ingrid will be there in a minute with her tweezers to pluck your feathers and make a pillow. Affleck! So there you go, if you're listening, God, detachable wings for me, so I can come and go as I please

and enjoy the finer things in the afterlife. All right, but focusing on this life, Hey, here is something really cool. Guess what, my fellow travelers on the Harland Highway, we have finally got our Harland Highway website up. Harlandhighway.com. You got to go there. Check it out.

It is fantastic. We have a cast of characters. You can finally see pictures of all the people that participate. participate and take part in this crazy show. We've got special behind-the-scenes clips that never made it into the show. We actually have a thing we call the toll booth, and don't hate me for this, but it is a page where we ask you to make a small donation or a large donation or any kind of donation. As you know, we do all this for free, three days a week. It obviously takes a lot of time, a lot of overhead.

Love doing it, but things do add up. So, you know, no pressure, but if you get a chance, go to the toll booth. And if you find it in your heart to make a small donation or a large donation to the highway, to keep everything running and going, we certainly would appreciate it. But whether you make a donation or not, go to the site. There's a lot of fun stuff there and check it out. There's a guest page where you can check out videos and pictures of me and my guests that come on the show. Tom Green is there and Adam Carolla and Orney Adams, Justin Schlegel, all kinds of people.

Brian Palermo is there. Um, Devin Green, Sterling Meyer, all my great guests. Um, so check it out. It's the Harlandhighway.com. Uh, and, uh, that being said, let's get back to the hijinks. Casper the Friendly Ghost. Whatever happened to a little Casper the Friendly Ghost. Do you think modern times are a bit too cynical?

A bit too violent A bit too hard for the presence of a friendly ghost to exist People are all wrapped up in their iPods And their cell phones and their Bluetooth Is there room in today's society For a friendly little ghost You know you're walking down the street Yacking on your Blackberry

Little tiny bald ghost boy in a Casper floats up. Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly ghost. Get out of here, kid. I'm on my Blackberry, idiot. Oh, pardon me. And go back to the graveyard. Do us all a favor.

Go lay in your grave, you little bald bastard. Oh, my. That's not very friendly. Yeah, well, how about this? My middle finger. Is that friendly? Whoa. Yeah, you're damn right.

It's not. Get lost, freak. Oh, that's true. not nice up yours you albino freak yeah i just i just don't think there is room for a friendly ghost anymore man that's why we haven't heard a casper for a while maybe we need some new ghosts uh how about larry the a hole ghost guy floats up hey want don't you get up your blackberry mister who the hell are you larry the a hole ghost give me your blackberry smash Well, you really are an A-hole.

That's right, and I'm a ghost. What's that mean? It means I'm going to scare you. Watch this. Boo! Wow. What will you do when you're a ghost? We talked about angels earlier.

What are you going to do when you're a ghost? Are you going to scare people? Are you going to be to try to terrify people? Imagine the power you wield is a ghost? Or will you be friendly? and gentle and just float down the hall and pass through walls and just be a wisp. Are you going to be one of those ghosts that, you know, when the family's taking a picture, you sneak in in the background, and when they develop the picture, people are like,

oh, look at Uncle John, and I'll look at Grandma and like, oh, my God, what's that in the background? Oh, my God, it's our great-great-grandfather. Right? Are you going to be one of those ghosts that rattled doorknobs in the in the middle of the night and creek doors open and make footsteps in the hall. Are you going to be an A-hole ghost or a nice ghost? I'm a nice ghost, and I'm an A-hole ghost. Up yours.

Oh, my. I don't know. Which one would have more fun, right? I think it would be good to be an A-hole ghost. You could get back at all the people that pissed you off in life. those bosses you didn't like those girlfriends you didn't like could just float through walls and disrupt their lives could be good

it could be really really good up yours all right you're on the harland highway and how many of you folks have a stupid street name Like you got to give your address somewhere. Yeah, I'm at 35 wagon wheel court. Oh, wagon wheel court. What are you a pioneer?

Well, no, sort of, no. You do have belt buckles on your shoes. Well, those are my pilgrim shoes. Your street's named after something dumb? Yes, I'm at 45 Woodpecker Street. Just, I'm right at the Cross Street. of Blue J. Way and Great Blue Heron Drive. You can't miss it. There's eggs everywhere.

You got to, you're growing on a date, right? You're getting your date to come to your house or your apartment. Yeah, I'm on 25 Coconut Street. Yes. Yeah, unit sponge. Yes. Yeah, right there in Parrot Key. Yes.

Okay, I live at the aquarium, all right? It's embarrassing, man. How about a town? What's the name of your town? I know a guy that lived in a place called Cranberry. How do you? Cranberry, Pennsylvania. Hi, I'm from Cranberry.

Why don't you come over and get splashy with me? Hello. How about my street, man? I grew up on a street called Elphendale. Yeah, Elfondale. I got laughed at all the time when I was a kid. Hey, man, where are you from? Elphendale.

What are you in Lord of the Rings or something, dude? What if you live on a street named after a celebrity? There's a street here where I live called Chevy Chase Boulevard. That's where I want to live on Chevy Chase. Where do you live, man, on Chevy Chase? Oh, I wondered what happened to him. So people are moving in on him now? Yeah, I live on his back, right near his mole.

I'm sick and tired of cutting the hair every weekend. Yeah, let's just stick to, like, Main Street and Fourth Street and Ninth Street. Can we cut out the goofy names at the Department of Goofy Street names, please? What's next? They're going to start naming highways' stupid names like the Harland Hut. Oh, wait a minute. You, uh, disregard, disregard. Uh, you're on the Harlan.

Highway. And why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? It's not a stupid name. It's not it's the Harlan Highway. It's not a stupid name. Stop laughing. Ah! It's not a stupid name. Why are they laughing? All right, I've taken enough abuse. That's it. I guess I kind of burned myself on that bit, didn't I? It's kind of going along real nice, and I realized at the end, I'm the dork. Oh, well, at least the good news is we're at the end of the show, so the laughing has to stop. You can keep laughing wherever you are, but I won't hear it anymore because that's all we have time for today. Hope you had a great time. Like I said, don't forget to check out the brand new Harland Highway website. It's Harlandhighway.com.

And you're going to get a kick out of it. And I get a kick out of having you here. I'm having a good time. We'll see you next time or talk to you next time or hear you next time. Whatever it is. That's it for now. Till next time, Chicken Chow Main on the Harland Highway. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it! Hi, I'm Casper.