The Harland Highway - PODCAST 171

Episode Date: September 29, 2010

U.S. citizenship, airport golf carts, Death Valley, Senior Fuentes, Rule of law, and phone messages. Gargle your bargle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Shock to the heart, and you're to blame, baby, you give podcasts a bad name. Bown, damn. Okay, no, nobody gives podcasts a bad name except maybe me. I don't know if I'm doing it right, if I'm doing it wrong. I just try my best. So hopefully folks are enjoying it, because here we go again, another freshly baked podcast right out of the oven. We're going to be talking about annoying things at airports.

We're going to be talking about a road trip. So you ever been to Death Valley, California? What a place. I'm going to be talking about that. Senor Fuentes is dropping by, I believe, today. Oh, God. We're going to be talking about citizenship, American citizenship, the process that I had to go through

and how I hate to say it, it's a bit of a laughing joke about how easy it is to get into this country. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. You decide. We're going to be talking about the rule of law and get a little deeper into the whole citizenship debacle fiasco. You may agree, disagree.

It's going to get heated. And then we're going to be taking some messages, Some emails from you folks So get ready, right here on the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn When you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harlan Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely

The Harlan Highway Hi, Arlen, I'm Teddy Rapspin and I'm your friend Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy I pledge I pledge to do my duty to serve God and the queen Oh wait a minute

That's the Boy Scouts Pledge of Allegiance Okay As many of you know Or have detected in my accent I am a Canadian boy By birth I'm going

through the process, applying for my American citizenship. And I thought I would share with you people some of the grilling questions that they asked me in print form. They gave me a document that asked me to check a box yes or no to certain questions so they can find out about me, my history, and who I am. And I just want you to know, before I read these questions, You're going to be surprised by a lot of them.

It's interesting to note that a guy like me checking little boxes is kind of the screening process about who makes it into your country. So listen to this. Here we go. Have you ever been declared legally incompetent or been confined to a mental institution within the last five years? Okay, two little boxes. is yes or no.

Okay, now, A, if I have been in a mental institution, do I really want people to know? What would I check? And if I was in a mental institution, wouldn't I be insane? So would I know whether to check yes or no? Wouldn't I just, like, pull some lipstick out of a drawer and start writing red rum on the mirror in the bathroom?

Red rum, red rum, Red Rum. Danny isn't here anymore, Mrs. Torrance. Danny wants to be an American citizen. Red Rob. Red rom. Okay, crazy question. Now, I'm answering all these questions truthfully and honestly, of course, but I'm giving you folks an insight into what's being asked. Have you ever been a member or in any way associated with directly or indirectly with the Communist Party? Okay, do we really deal with that anymore? We're in the middle of a holy war, a jihad. Are we really worried about the red curtain? Are we really worried about the old Cold War? Am I selling secrets to the Russians? My name is Georgie, and I know where all the silos are hidden.

There are at the Walmarts. Am I associated with a terrorist organization? No, I'm not, people. Is that all the Al-Qaeda's have to do to get clear? Let me see. Am I associated with a terrorist organization? Well, all I have to do is check no, and then they will never find out.

So I will check no, and then I will come in and do some damage. It's a little scary, man. I mean, these are insane. I'm going to do some more of these. Lucky for you, you people. are already citizens, but we're all citizens of the Harland Highway. Okay, so I'm going to get into some more of that later, all right?

But let's jump ahead to a more pressing question. Who the hell is driving those stupid carts at the airport? Have you seen them? Do you know what I'm talking about? Those elongated golf carts that carry the... the lazy and the overweight and the crippled from from check-in counter to terminal to security gate to you know what I mean they're like these overstuffed golf carts but yet they only sit about four people and you got these old people driving them and they've just got that beeper on them

They're like, it's like that constant, Beep, beep, beep, beep, right, as they drive. And it's kind of a sound that kind of blends in with the rest of the ambiance at the airport. So you don't really kind of pick up on it. And these guys just kind of drive around through crowds of people with luggage. Beep, beep, beep, beep, right? And you're kind of oblivious to it because, you know, you're kind of in a, zombie coma at the airport anyways.

You don't really want to be there. You don't really want to get on a plane. You probably woke up at 5 in the morning to catch your flight. You've just been violated at security. Beep, beep, beep. And these guys have been driving these carts around for like 12 hours straight, and they're just kind of oblivious to everyone walking. I mean, can you imagine driving a vehicle with the horn going,

the whole time. Imagine driving your car and your horn was stuck and you had to drive 30 miles somewhere and all you could hear was e-e-e-e the whole way. So that's what these nut jobs on these golf carts are dealing with all day long, just be-pe, peep, peep, peat. Can you imagine? I mean, you would hear that in your sleep. Let's say you work five days a week, nine to five, I mean, what do you do when your alarm goes off in the morning? When your alarm goes, beep, beep, beep, you're probably like, can I give anyone a ride? Can I get, oh, wait a minute, I'm in my bedroom. Sorry, but they're not the best drivers.

I mean, these guys don't yell at you to get out of the way, you know? They just kind of roll right through you. And you just, it's almost one of those things where you kind of happen to catch it out of the corner your eye, what's that? Whoa, whoa, oh, okay. Well, beep, beep. You jump out of the way and just get missed, getting run over by a golf cart with like six fatties on it. Hello. I don't know. I'm just bringing up. I guess I'm spending too much time in airports, but watch out. Watch your back for killer golf carts and the crazy drivers. that steer them through the crowds.

And though I walk through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil for, yeah, the Valley of Death. Well, guess who actually went to the Valley of Death this past weekend? Yeah, yours truly. Me, Harlan Williams, I got off the Harlan Highway for a little bit. I took a road trip out into the desert, out in happy old California, and there's a place out here called Death Valley. You've all heard of it, Death Valley.

It's a real place. And man alive, it is such a cool place. There's a lot of people out there that aren't big supporters of the desert. They're like, oh, it's just a bunch of rocks and dirt and the odd bush, and there's a lizard, and I want to go to the mall. Well, tell you what, man, you roll through Death Valley. that place is massive. It's this huge, gigantic valley of death.

Not really, but there ain't much living there, man. It's just tall cliffs and rocks for as far as the eye can see. It's a big empty valley with the basin of the valley is covered with salt. There's salt growing up out of the earth. And I'm not kidding, okay, the temperature, as I drove through, Death Valley, because I have one of those little temperature thermometers in my car, 123. How many of you have been in a hundred and twenty-three degree heat? I had my window open. I put my hand out into the hot air. I'm not kidding. I could only

leave it out there for about 15 seconds. It felt like the meat on my arm was cooking. And I didn't bring any seasoning salt, so I had to pull my arm back in. I got out, walked around for a little bit for as long as I could. Took a few pictures. I'll put some of those up later in the week. I'll let you know. But holy smokes, what a place. If you're planning a little road trip and you want to go somewhere unique,

somewhere that looks like Mars, go to Death Valley. Make sure your car's in good shape, because if you break down out there, you will die. I'm not kidding. I think I drank a bottle of. gatorade about every half hour. The dehydration sets in at the speed of light. I've never known what

bacon felt like, but yeah, you go to Death Valley, you're like walking bacon. There's a little insight into what I do on the weekends. Death Valley, California, just off one of the exit ramps here on the

Harland Highway. I'll tell you what, man, nothing beats a good road trip. I mean, you get in that car and you just out on the open highway and oh no no no no no no no what are you doing here oh god what are you what are you doing here senor frances my name is senor frances i know who you are you are my gardener, senor Fuente. Stop it. I'm just here for a visit, signor.

Yeah, I know you're here for a visit. You're my gardener. You're supposed to be at home, working in the garden. What are you doing in the middle of my studio? Signor, I have some bad news. Oh, great. What did you do this time? I spilled seed, signor.

What do you mean you spilled seed? Well, remember you wanted me to put some grass seed down? Yeah. So I went and I bought a big bag of grass seed. Forty-pound bag, senor. Yeah? That's heavy. Okay.

Forty pounds is heavy, senor. I think you've made your point. It's really heavy. Okay. Well, senor, as I was walking through your yard, I guess there was a hole in the bag, and I spilled my seed all over your yard. Okay, do you have to say it like that? What, did I spill my seed everywhere?

Stop it. It was horrible, Signor. I could not close the hole. I spilled the seed all over the yard, and then it went all over your welcome mat, and then I got it on your car when I ran out to the driveway. Stop it. Stop saying spilling the seed.

What do you want me to say, signor? Just say the bag ripped open, and some seeds spilled out. I think that's what I've been saying, Señor, I spilled my seed all over the place. Your neighbors sawed and everything. Stop it. And then I twirled into your clothesline, signor.

What do you mean, you hit my clothesline? I couldn't say I was panicking because I was spilling seed everywhere. Okay. So I hit your clothesline. All your clothes fell on the ground. Oh, way to go. I spilled a whole bunch of my seed into your underpants. What did you say?

I spilled my seed in your underpants, signor. Oh, God. Knock it all. knock what off senor there's seed all over your underpants right on the crotch and on the back and that little flap that opens i got a whole bunch of seed in the flap on my seed went in your underwear flap stop saying talking about my underwear flap i'm just telling you senor i spilled seed everywhere it's very stopping get out of here hey everybody who wants to have better sex No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet shipping.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Would you like me to clean up the seed from your underpants? No, get out of here! I'd hate for you to put on your underpants and my dirty seed gets all over your chimichonga. Stop it, get out of here. Oh, imagine that, signor. All that dirty seed going right to your underwear flap and all over your chimichonga. Ooh, stop it. Get out! Unreal. It's a matter with spilling the seed. In your underpants.

Get out of here! Right in your pretty white seed flap. Get out! All right, you are here on the Harland Highway, and I hope you're... are here legally. I hope you're a citizen because I am continuing to read some of the questions they ask people who are applying for citizenship, yours truly. A Canadian boy here, but they've given me all this paperwork I have to fill out. And here are some of the questions that are actually on the citizenship paperwork. And I have to check a little box,

yes or no. Okay? Have you ever been or advocated the overthrow of any government by force or violence? No, I'm just one guy. I don't think I'll be overthrowing the United States military any time soon. Did you ever work for or associate in any way with the Nazi government of Germany? No, I missed that whole era. I'm sorry. I wasn't born back in World War II.

there, sunshine. Jeez. What else have we got here? These questions just get more and more bizarre. Have you ever been charged with committing a crime or a fence? I mean, is someone going to

answer truthfully here? I don't know. Have you ever been a habitual drunkard? Haven't we all been a habitual drunkard at one point? Haven't you been to a wedding or a sports bar. Here's the one I like. Question. Yes or no. Check the little box. Have you ever been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution? Hmm. I do have a nice body. I never have, but this

has actually given me an idea. Maybe, you know, Gigolo, radio host. Not bad. A little money on the side, maybe. Have I ever been married to more than one person at the same time? Not yet. Okay, but I'm heading over Victoria's Secrets later today at the mall to see what I can dig up. Okay? Have you ever lied to any U.S. government official to gain entry into the United States? Uh, no, I did things the right way, thank you. Although sometimes I wonder why when I look how easy, it is to get in here. Have you ever served in the U.S. Armed Forces?

No. Not yet. You know, so just all these crazy questions here that seem to be the final barrier between getting into America and not getting into America. I just wanted you people

to know that what's keeping the bad people out is them checking a little box that says they're good people. Oh, brother. what do you think time to change the system maybe it's a touchy topic the whole immigration thing and yes whether you want to believe it or not there is a right way and a wrong way to do it and uh it's funny to see the flack you can get from people if you kind of stand on the side of doing

things the right way the legal way like if you were to take law books off the shelves and there in print it would say this is how you enter a country be it America be it Canada be it Australia every country has their own rules their own laws right so if you to pull that book down and and look at the letter of the law it's all there in print but it's amazing the the attitude and the scorn you get from some people when you side with the rules, with the law, and you say, you know, there's this whole situation in Arizona where the citizens of Arizona, the government of Arizona is trying to stop the flow of illegal aliens over the border, the poorest border, and the Obama

government's turning around and suing Arizona for trying to enforce its own. own laws and you mention that to people that that it's a travesty and they roll their eyes at you like oh god what what you're so right wing or you're so left wing or you're you're so chicken wing or whatever you know they try to put you in a category they try to category oh you're such a conservative oh you're racist you're so uh you know and it's like no i'm not anything saving your little labels, I'm a guy who believes in the rule of law because that's the way a civilized country works. Are you going to scorn me if I tell you my family got murdered? Are you going to be like, oh, wow, come on, they got murdered. You know, it happens? Come on. Yeah, but there's laws

that say that person who murdered my family should go to jail. Yeah, laws. Come on. You know, the guy was probably drinking or he didn't really mean it. Come on, what are you, right-wing, left-wing, conservative? And people get upset when you try to defend the rule of law. It's not about race. It's not about people. It's not about Mexicans. It's not about Canadians.

It's not about any sect of society. It's about the law being enforced. so that things run smoothly within the borders of the country that made the law so that things could run smoothly. You see how it's a big circle? But people try to redefine the law or ignore the law, and they give you flack for it by standing up for the law. So here's my kind of final thing about that, okay?

Let's say, let's take you, for example, I don't know what you believe, but the set of ears that's listening to this right now, okay? You might be all about the rule of law and stopping illegal immigrants, or you may be more open, or you may be in the middle, or you may be completely the other way where everyone should come over the border. Who cares? It's America, blah, blah, blah, right? so let me throw this at you and then I'll shut up about it okay let's say you lived in a nice house okay let's say you lived in a $500,000 house or a $300,000 house with a fence around it and a little patio in the back and it was two stories and you and your family lived there and everything was great and let's say just down the street maybe seven houses and across the road

was a guy in a house that was maybe, I don't know, a few square yards smaller than your house. And he had a family, you know, four kids, a wife, and a dog. And one day he said, you know what? I just don't like living in this house. But that house down the street, oh my God, that house, like seven houses down on the other side of the street, yeah that's where i want to come on kids bring all your stuff let's go and then they walk down

the street and they jump over your fence and you're sitting on your patio having a barbecue and you're like uh who are you oh we're the people from down the street okay do i know you no we've never met uh what are you doing in my yard oh well we decided we don't like our yard we don't like our so we've decided we're going to jump in your yard and we're just going to stay here now are you going to go oh okay just stay in my yard welcome how long is staying in my yard as long as we want doesn't matter to us oh well go ahead are you kidding me how fast would you call the cops How fast would you want those people out of your yard? How fast would you use the rule of law to say,

hey, officer, get these people out of my yard. They're trespassing. I paid for this yard. I worked really hard my whole life to buy this house. This is my property. They don't have the right just to jump over my fence and be in my yard and interrupt my family and interrupt my barbecue. They're human beings.

They've got brains. They can buy their own house Or if they don't have enough money They can buy a house in another neighborhood Or if they don't have enough money for a house They can rent an apartment Or if they don't even have that Well, they can maybe go to school

Or maybe they can even get a low-end job Where they make minimum wage and save their money And get a house that suits them Until maybe they get a chance to upgrade. So my point is Think of the two houses As two countries. Get it? Yeah, I know you got it.

You're not stupid. But this more or less goes out to the people that, you know, just feel like everything should be so open and dandy and free and that the rule of law shouldn't kick in when it comes to our country as a whole. So why don't you have that attitude when it's your house that's being invaded? Because it's the very same principle. And it's not about class, it's not about wealth, it's not about lack of wealth, it's not about cultures, it's just about rules and people following the rules.

So there you go. Food for thought. And I know there's going to be people listening. They're like, what the blah, blah, blah, blah. But that means you're not really listening. You're just, you know, you're just looking to, uh, You know, I don't know what the word is. You're just looking to, you know, inflame the situation. Because you don't want to hear any logic.

You just want to believe what you want to believe. And again, I'm not saying I'm right. Of course, this is a strong opinion I'm laying on you. I never claim to be right. I claim to try to have logical, educated, smart thoughts from time to tell. time, but I'm not going to be so naive and so egotistical and so bold to say I'm right. But in my mind, this is how I see things. You can disagree, but, you know, let me see you disagree when there's a strange family

and their dog standing in the yard, their mouths watering as you roll that hot dog over on your barbecue Hello Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I am excited here on the Harlan Highway I got an email from one of my faithful So you people don't believe me that if you email me I will read your email on the air

So here we go, it's kind of about an odd time I did a story yesterday about farps. I accused all of you of doing one at one point in time. A farp, my friends, is when you fart and burp at exactly the same moment. It's an unusual experience. It's almost spiritual. It feels good, and yet it feels disgusting at the same time. Well, one of you people out there, and I hope you're listening right now, Paul,

his name is paul he says i must retort on your farp a burp and a fart at the same time i must say that is impressive yet i have topped you one i actually burped farted and sneezed at the same time yeah it was a poltergeist moment of course i had no witnesses when it happened so whenever I tell someone, they don't believe me. I have tried diligently to recreate the event, yet no dice thus far. This guy's pretty eloquent for a guy that burps, farts, and sneezes at the same time. So let me read the rest of it here. I am glad to hear that there are others out there who have experienced the same.

We'll get through this together. Godspeed, Harland. Blood speed. Wow. Burp, fart, and sneezed. So I guess now we've morphed from a farp into a snuffarp. Would that be what we'd call it? A snufferp?

A sneeze, a fart, and a burp? First, it was just a farp. I mean, what else could happen all at the same time? This thing's growing. I'm getting scared, man. Wow. Well, Paul, thank you. Thank you, thank you for your wonderful email. Food for thought. And if you folks want to tell me about your experiences, it doesn't have to be about farping or snuffarping. It can be anything. Email me at my website, harlandwilions.com.

I'd just love to hear from you, man. This guy put a smile on my face. So big kudos to Paul. inventor of the SNFARP here on the Harlan Highway. Ah, chew! Excuse me, three times. Yep, three times or three strikes and you're out, and we are out of time. I'm afraid to say, my friends, too bad because we're having so much fun, weren't we? But we'll be back. We'll be back again soon, and I hope you had a good time here today.

had some laughs, had a little thought-provoking conversation. If you ever want to give me your feedback on anything, you can. 323-215-1486, or like I said, just now, email me at harlmwilliams.com, and maybe we'll read your email or play your voice message on the show. But until that time, Until next time, chicken chau me, baby.