The Harland Highway - PODCAST 172

Episode Date: October 1, 2010

Dog diets, kicking dogs, listener voice mails, and Dr. Ascot. Sweet gurgling rain water juices!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, sister, go, sister, go, sister, go, sister, hey, sister, podcaster, podcaster. Yeah, that's right, I'm your podcaster, sister. That's right, same goes for you, too, brother. I'm your podcaster, brother. What a show we have today. Check it out. We are going to be talking about some really cool stuff. I kicked a dog.

uh-huh yeah you what that's not cool to kick a dog well tune in and hear all about it um we're going to be talking about red-headed people are you a ginger uh then we are going to get to some of your voicemails oh my god what kind of nuts are listening to this podcast i love it some great voicemails can't uh wait to play those for you and then uh you know know it's friday you know what happens friday i have to go on the air and do my online my uh on the air therapy because the powers the bee who produced the podcast think i have a nut loose so they have to cover their asses legally and make sure you know i'm not uh saying anything crazy you're doing anything nutty so it's friday i'm glad you're here it's the end of the week let's kick it off

with a laugh. Let's kick it all off right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend.

Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay, Fido, get out of the grass, put the grass down. Fido, what is, what is with dogs, people? Okay, this is a human being talking. This is Harlem Williams. You're on the Harlan Highway. And you noticed your dog every now and then likes to eat grass?

What is with that? I don't know. Descendant from cows? Are they suddenly we're finding out that dogs are grazers? We've got the Guernsey and the Black Angus and the heifer and the Cocker Spaniel. I don't know. What a bizarre thing that dogs do. Maybe my dogs park cow.

Do I dare attempt to milk my dog? Yow That could be interesting How about some Rottweiler milk? Mmm, I got me a big tall glass of Irish Shetter milk. What a way to end the day.

Hmm. Why do they eat grass? And then they puke it up, right? They eat it. And then they chew it, they swallow it, and then like 10 minutes later they puke up a little grass ball. Maybe dogs are descending from the Olson twins.

Or from Allie McBeal. Maybe they're perjers. Maybe they're just dogs are weight conscious. And then you got dogs like Scooby-Doo who don't eat grass. They smoke it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Like, Wow, Scoob.

Like, pass me the reefer man. Uh-oh. It's Harland Williams. Oh, he's eating a grass. Then I don't have to spend money on a gardener. I'll just get a pack of golden retrievers. Get out there and do the lawn, you little bastards. I kicked the dog, and I liked it.

And I liked it. Yeah, for all you animal lovers out there, guess what I did today, I kicked a dog. Oh, my God. Yeah, and here's what happened. I'm walking down a sunny street full of people. It's a beautiful day. I'm wandering around. I'm looking in shop windows.

You know, I'm just, you know, taking in the sunlight. I'm watching people go by. And it really was one of these situations where it was really crowded, like just almost shoulder to shoulder. And I'm walking. And all of a sudden I feel my foot like kind of hit something fleshy. And all of a sudden, I heard all the people around me just go, and I heard like a little,

and I, before I could react, I was like, well, I looked down. And someone in this sea of people, in this crowd of people, was walking a little like a lap dog, a little hairy dog. You know, it was probably no bigger than a squirrel. Not much bigger than a squirrel. and I accidentally kicked the thing and you know I was wearing running shoes don't worry I wasn't wearing like James Bond boots

where a knife comes out of the end okay it was just a little soft little pair of running shoes and but my first reaction was like oh my god and you know I didn't even really get to apologize or anything because the guy walking the dog just gone he was like whatever people kicked my dog all the time hope you had fun and what was weird is is i looked up and the guy walking the dog was kind of like almost borderline skin head okay the guy had like a buzzcott and he was wearing like a basketball you know jersey with the cut off

shoulders and i was like wait a minute what wait what you got a little lap dog with a ribbon in its hair and you look like you're on your way to a Nazi rally or something what the hell's wrong with this picture surprised a little dog didn't turn around and go what are you doing kicking me who gave you permission to walk on this sidewalk let me see your papers give me your papers uh why do you want my papers so i can squat down and go pee on them i'm a dog you idiot oh okay here you go thank you um so anyhow that was my little experience i'm not cruel to animals i love animals but i kicked a dog and i liked it i liked it no i didn't like it um so don't be kicking uh dogs but here's something that's interesting

You ever hear that thing, that phrase, that day? There's a thing called Kick a Ginger Day. I like you, Charlie Brown. Sign little red-haired girl. Bye! Have you heard about this? I don't know when it is. But I guess it's a day where you're supposed to find a person with red hair and run up and kick them.

And I think last year some kids got in trouble. because they stomp the hell out of a little kid with red hair and I don't advocate violence but I got to say what makes me laugh is the term and I know I'm going to get flacked from redheads but believe me I don't want to kick you I don't want anyone to kick you but just that that term kick a ginger day it's first of all just it's funny to me that there's a day where you kick someone and then they They don't say kick a redhead day. It's like kick a ginger, which is just a funny word on its own.

So when you roll it all together, it's like kick a ginger day. And then on top of that, there's something kind of harmless about redheads, you know, because they always look kind of cute. They've got red hair and they've got, you know, light skin, and they've got the freckles, which always almost give them like a childlike appearance, like a little boy or a little girl, because, you know, we usually associate. freckle faces with kids. And there's just an innocence kind of to a lot of redheads.

And so the very notion of people just walking up and kicking a ginger is funny to me. I just picture our redheads, you know, cowering in their houses, you know, kind of like going back to the Nazis when the Nazis swept through the Jewish neighborhoods and people were hiding in their walls and under their beds and in the closet. up on the roof. And you just picture all these red-headed people. Oh, my God, it's kick a ginger day. Hurry, kids, underneath the floorboards.

Billy, hide in the box spring. Charlene, crawl in the freezer. You know. Billy, flesh yourself down the toilet. Hurry! So, no, don't go out and kick a ginger. But it is a silly term. I don't know who came up.

with it but i kicked the ginger and i liked it's that like no i'm not kicking anything in fact let me kick right out of this topic and get to some of your voicemails because i always get a kick out of those ow i think tomorrow i'll just right out and tell that little red-haired girl that i love her then i'll give her a big chick Harlan, baby. Yeah, you make me laugh. I just spent at least an hour and a half watching your Conan O'Brien clips. I cried.

Anyway, I'm happy that you're in this world. He needs to want you around. You're like a free batch of mushrooms that I didn't pay for. Anyway, my name is Mikey Smith. San Antonio, Texas. Be my friend. It's Mikey. He likes it.

Oh, that was a super nice voice message. I'm glad you're happy I'm in the world, Mikey. I'm happy you're in the world. happy we're all here rolling down the highway but did you catch mike's uh little opening i don't know if it was a meow or a moo or uh some kind of animal noise that has i think yet to be unheard in this plant on this planet i just picture those guys you know the guys out at the space stations out in the middle of the desert they're sitting in a room with a giant 700 foot satellite dish with the earphones on and they're listening for strange sounds out in the galaxy i think mikey might

have created one did you catch that thing right at the beginning check it out when he kind of did that thing harlan baby oh my god what is it Mikey Mikey congratulations man you uh you invented a brand new sound okay that sound was unheard of on planet earth in in the galaxy and the infinity you just created something my friend i mean this is incredible man what do you have to say for yourself mike wow genius wow let's see who else we got here on the uh harland highway voicemail And by the way, I should probably mention that the clips, the Conan clips that Mikey was referring to are on YouTube. I guess, you know, my numerous, many, I think I've done 20 different appearances on Conan O'Brien over the years. And I guess they're all up on YouTube.

So if you want a good laugh, just go on YouTube and track them down, man. brer hey arlin love your show i'm a waiter and i think character actors should shut their piehole oh my god someone's not happy was that the most passive aggressive message you've ever heard the guy starts with uh love the show and then shut your pie hole i guess what happened is i did a bit a few shows back about talking about how waiters always seem to approach your table and ask you how your meal is just as you put a giant fork full of food in your mouth and so the waiter's like how's your meal and you're like excellent so this guy obviously is a waiter and obviously probably took offense to it but it's true

I'm not even trying to you know rip you waiters a new one it's just true it's it's whether it's fluke timing or whether you guys do it on purpose um you know it's it's true character actor should shit their pie hole and he also reduces me to a character actor to shay to you buddy too shay to you here's what i'm going to do next time i'm in a restaurant i'm going to reverse everything okay and what i'm going to do is i'm going to put a big forkful of food in my mouth and then what I'm going to do is call the waiter over instead of waiting for them to come I'm going to call them over and the waiter will come running over and go hi what can I get you and I'll just be like I can't understand what are you

what are you saying I'm sorry I just what is going on here Um, okay, I'll be right back. Larger small. Right? That's what it's like. It's frustrating. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. don't throw your back out i mean am i not allowed to to to voice that observation character actors should shit their piehole oh man and by the way is that guy saying shut your pie hole or shit your pie hole listen to the guy character actors should shit their pie hole it's like he mixed the word shut and shit and somehow came up with character actor should

shirot their pie holes whatever let's see who else we got here on the Harland Highway answering machine. Okay, good morning, Mr. Harlan Williams. This is somebody speaking like Gilbert Godfrey. Just want to let you know that I am in California at the present time. I'm just another New York, too, who went to school in Buffalo. Wow, that is actually a pretty good impression. of uh gilbert godfrey oh my god what a great character actor that guy is i can never get enough

but hearing his crazy voice character actors should shit their piehole whoops sorry uh yeah forgot my bad hey harland uh i had a question for you i was wondering if uh you know you ever you know working with cream and start masturbating so much that the cream turns into butter. Get back to me in that one. Thank you. Burr, fur, bur. Arlen, have a cookie. Please have a cookie on me. Hey, Harlan, my name is Paul. We met outside of the comedy nest last Saturday night. We caught your show here in Montreal. We thought it was phenomenal. We spoke for a little bit.

He spoke with my girlfriend talking about dumb and dumber and everything. And we were kicking ourselves for not asking the question on the spot but we wanted to know what's up with the talk to me now really talk to me we've been doing that all week because we thought it was malaria and uh my girlfriend wanted to know she should have asked you she's been wondering all week where did it come from uh if you always do that end your act or uh was it something that you picked up along the way but anyway we thought it was hilarious and it's to the point where we're trying to track that where to see you perform next because we didn't get enough at that show at the comedy net it was too good so that's it my name's paul in montreal and uh it was great bye paul in montreal i like that that rhymes man that's cool my name is paul in montreal um you know what the talk to me thing

that just came from me being on stage i've been doing it a lot lately it came out of nowhere and it was just this thing where I'll be on stage and I'll start talking with the crowd which I love to do during my stand-up act and I started like looking at people and you know instead of talking to a whole crowd a room as one collectively what I started to do was channel my energy and when I'd asked someone a question I'd be like so where do you work sir and talk to me, talk to me, okay, sir, talk to me this time. Nobody else, talk to me. And I guess it kind of caught on with a few people, and you and your girlfriend are in that category. I'm glad you like it, so the answer is it just came out of nowhere. It was me improvising, having fun with the crowd the way I like to do, and I'm still doing it today because it makes me laugh.

So talk to me. No, you're on my podcast. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to this next voicemail. Tarlin. Hey, I became a fan of yours when I saw your seven-minute abs hitchhiker character in the movie, Something About Mary.

And I said to myself, I got to keep a watch on this guy because he's got good stuff more good stuff coming and you have everything you do is great your stand-up routines are hysterical and uh now i have pot an ipod shuffle that i keep filled with your 150 uh podcasts i listen to i can listen to him over and over because they're so great and i love your raw shooting hip style that you say you know whatever comes to mind you don't edit it you don't worry about just shoot it out and say it. I love that. And I like that you talk about goofy, silly topics, but you also throw in important issues and always address, you know, you're dressing with an open mind. And you're just,

you're a rare bird, a lot of crow, but just keep doing what you're doing. And I've been spreading the word in the Harlan Highway and with my friends and family and everybody's get on board and my new doctor ask up this is a best and uh well i hope you more are you soon that's it good night well that is awesome thank you for your uh comments your feedback um and i'm glad you appreciate uh that i do try to keep it silly and funny but from time to time i do throw in a serious bit or a topic um and i do try to stay open-minded. I try not to lecture or force my opinion on people, but I do try to present possibilities or present my observations, but one thing I'm careful never to do is to assume

that I'm right and everyone else is wrong. I merely express ideas, thoughts, observations, and yes, sometimes they're opinionated, but, you know, know, they wouldn't be thoughts if there was an opinion attached to them. We all have opinions. But I never stand on the soapbox and say, this is the way it is, or this is right and this is wrong. I just merely offer up my thoughts. I'm glad you appreciate that. It's nice to know that you like that aspect of the Harlan Highway, and I enjoy it. You know, I do shoot from the hip when something catches my attention that gets me fired up or something that I think, kind of crooked or wrong or off balance in the world i like to i like to talk about it turn it over flip it over see uh see try and see things from many different angles and uh open a discussion

create a forum and let you express your opinions as well uh so be sure to phone me with any thoughts you have on any uh topics whether they be bizarre silly or serious we have been taking some serious phone messages here let's take one more and you know what since we're talking about serious let's take the final one and have a very serious one and then we'll close up the answering machine for now and let's see if we can find a serious thought-provoking voice message what the fuck is going on here I left you a message and it didn't even start to record it and now there's an airway

on my arm. We're in the middle of the fucking lake. There's creatures everywhere. I can't even tell you how many freaking creatures there are. I don't even think you know who this is, Harlan. It doesn't even matter, Harlan. You need to one time pick up the freaking phone and return the call. Harlan, call me. Uh, yeah, let me jump right on that. Call you. Let me see. I'll call 411 and get your number. Uh, hello operator. Yeah, I need the number for the middle of the lake, please. Hmm? No, I'm not looking for Jason Vorhe.

I'm looking for the guy with the earwigs crawling up his arms. No such number. Yeah, I didn't think so. Wow. Wow. I love your calls, but what am I supposed to do with a call like that? What am I supposed to do with all these calls? Oh, and have a cookie.

Please have a cookie on me. Okay, that's exactly what I'll do. It makes perfect sense now. I've gotten all your calls. I need to go have a cookie. That's what I'll do. Chocolate chip cookie. Oh, I love it.

Keep the calls coming, you guys. You know the number. You can go to Harland Williams. com. The number's right there on the web page. Give me a call. Leave me your, whatever it is you leave me. And I can't wait to do another round of the Harland Highway voicemail.

And until that time, my friends, exactly. So let's shut down the answering machine for now. And I'll look forward to your crazy calls in the future right here. on the Harlan Highway. Good afternoon, people, wake up. The sun is coming up over the horizon here at 3 in the afternoon. And you're on the Harland Highway, and how many of you have had one of those days where you just wish you could get away?

How many of you are going? your head. Oh, man. I just want to disappear to a tropical island, man. I want to pull a Marlon Brando and buy an island in Fiji and just vanish. What would you do if you owned a little island? I've thought about it. I mean, okay, you wake up, you go stand on the beach. Beautiful white sand and aquamarine water coming in, laughing at my feet. Oh, look. A starfish. Oh, Look at the wonderful sea urchin. Oh, there's a seagull. And eight hours later, there's another seagull and a pelican.

And the wind's blowing the tropical palm trees. And then what do you do? There's no one else on the island, man. Is there a house there? Is there a boat? Is there food? Is there refrigeration? Is there electricity?

Is there plumbing? you kidding me man there's no satellite TV there's no game boy uh-uh we're way too modernized to live on a remote tropical island we'd go insane

humans have too short of an attention span you'd get all the way to the island and then start going oh my god did I put those documents together for the boss did I fax the people over at Hewlett Packard Oh my God, it's my daughter's birthday Oh my God, the airline tickets

Oh my God, I forgot to pay the cleaning lady Oh my God, oh my God Desperate Housewives is on tonight What am I doing on this tropical island What does the matter with me? I better go see my shrink I'm late for my appointment anyhow Where's my pills?

I need my pills Yeah There's no way Dream about your tropical island people, but you're in it too deep. Sorry to be your reality check. I'm going to be at my island. Yeah, dance hula girl. Dance! It's Harlan Williams.

And speaking of going to see your therapist, guess what boys and girls, it's Friday. And you know what that means. It's time for my on-air. therapy to close out the podcast today. Here he is, and maybe I wish I was on a tropical island, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today, sir? I like it when you call me, Sir, Arland.

Okay, don't get too swollen in the head. Arland, Arland. Just, what are we doing? Arland, today I want you to reflect. What do you mean reflect? Arland, I brought in a full-length mirror today. Okay. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and reflect.

And what is that going to do? Arlen, when you can see yourself clearly, you can become whole. What do you mean whole? What am I like? Do I look like I'm? dismembered. Holland, stop the smart talk. It's not smart talk.

I'm just... I really wonder if anything you do has any merit. Holland. And stop saying my name. Holland. Stop it. Holland. You did it extra long that time.

I did not. I heard you. Holland. Stop it. Holland, look in the mirror and see. See what you need to see. What do you mean, see what I need? Okay, I'm looking in the mirror. I see me.

Arland, do you really? Uh, yeah, it's my reflection. I'm standing in front of a mirror. I see me. I see someone talking angrily, Arland. I'm not talking angrily. You just get my blood pressure up. Well, look in the mirror and say, I'm a blood pressure monkey.

What? You just admitted it, Arland. Arlen, your blood pressure is up. Well, how does that make me a monkey? Arlen, you're a monkey. I'm out of here. Oh, Alan, say it, or you will get the pink slip. Oh, God.

Okay, hey, I'm a blood pressure monkey. Excellent, Arlen. Now, you see how standing in the mirror helps you open up and be honest about who you are? Yeah, why don't you come stand in the mirror, and I can call you a jackass. Holland. I'm just trying to be honest.

Holland. All right, is this enough? I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror. Holland, I want you to put this wig on. What do you mean a wig? I've got a long curly wig like Shirley Temple. What the hell are you talking about? Well, if you're going to look in the mirror, Holland,

you might as well be pretty. Pretty pretty. What did you just say? Nothing, Alland. I thought I heard you, I'm pretty... I'm not. Pretty, pretty. Yes, I'm not putting on a wig, Ascot. Arlen, put on the wig, or you will be fired. Oh, my God, you are, you are creepy. Allan. Give me the wig. Let me put it on my head here.

Okay, I got the curly wig on. Now I want you to say, I'm pretty, pretty, Holland. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Of course not yet, Holland. Good. You have to put the lipstick on first. What are you? What? Holland put the lipstick on and the baby blue eye shadow.

What are you doing, Ascot? And I brought you a little country-style dress, Holland. All right, I'm out of here. Holland, I wanted to say, I'm pretty pretty. What is wrong with you? Holland, if you don't find yourself beautiful, then no one else will. Yeah, there's a difference between finding yourself beautiful and being a circus freak. And speaking of freaks, you're a freak. Get out of here.

Holland, I brought you some little wooden shoes from Holland. You what? Little wooden shoes from Holland. Holland with the curly little chips. Get out! Arlen, put the curly shoes on. Pretty, pretty. Out!

Say it, Arlen. Pretty, pretty? Excellent, Arlen. Now start dancing. Get out of here! Dance and jiggle, pretty, pretty. Out! God, what a nutbag!

She's reflecting in the mirror. I'd like to deflect him into a mirror, sever a major artery, and watch him bleed to death on the floor. Oh, get out! Well, anyway, speaking of bleeding to death, this podcast has pretty much been bled dry. So don't forget, you can catch the Harland Highway on Stitcher.com. You can download an application so you can listen. to the podcast on your cell phones no matter what brand you have also don't forget the new website harlandhighway.com with all the latest and greatest and that's all I got man

that is all I've got I think we've covered a lot of ground thank you for your voicemails keep them coming they are quite hilarious and interesting and i love them so keep calling and uh you might hear yourself on the harland highway but until then you're just going to have to keep hearing me and until next time chicken chow maine baby holland have a cookie please have a cookie on me Thank you.