The Harland Highway - PODCAST 174

Episode Date: October 6, 2010

Trust, CSI, Shoe store time, Romantic letters, butterflies, listener voice mails. Holy Tuba player Batman!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, I'm running down the highway trying to loosen my load. I got seven podcasts on my mind. One, yeah, yeah, seven, no. I hope you don't have seven podcasts on your mind. I hope you only have one podcast on your mind. This one right here, you're on it. You're on the highway. The Harland Highway.

I'm Harlan Williams. Welcome, everybody. What a show we have today. We're going to be touching on some cool topics. We're going to be talking about trust. Have you been dicked over by your partner, your lover, your husband, your wife? We're going to be talking about how that feels. We're going to be talking about romance.

I think someone's here to read some romantic letters. I don't know how that's going to go. And then we're going to get into something a little more morbid. We're going to be talking about CSI and the family experience and why people are drawn to these morbid shows. We're going to be putting out a phone call to a local shoe store to see if we can pick up some shoes. And then we're going to switch gears,

and we're going to start talking about butterflies. We're just going to have a little chat about butterflies. And then I'm going to hear from you, because we've got some of your voicemails coming in today. Boy, people have things to say, but don't they always hear? on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Will you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Romp Spinning, I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Okay, baby, I'm just going out with Kim. I guess I'll see you later. Oh, you're going out with Kim? Yeah, we're going to go hang out, you know, do something. Oh, what are you going to do? Oh, I don't know. We haven't planned it out. You know, just have fun. You mean Kim from work, right?

Yeah, that's right. Kim Smith. Okay, didn't you just tell me Kim Smith was out of town for like a week? She was on vacation somewhere? Um, uh, well, no, like she's, she was, but now she's back. Oh, okay. Have fun, baby. Okay, thanks. Don't wait up for me. Yeah. How much do you trust your partner? Hmm? Your boyfriend, your girlfriend.

How much do you really trust them? Do you hear little things in their voices? Little giveaways? Little pauses, little uncertainties, things that make you go, hmm, what's going on here? Little facts that don't measure up. Little tidbits that don't jive together. Yeah, we were at the museum. Oh, yeah, what did you see?

Um, I don't know, like, you know, a mummy and some stuff. Oh. Who was there? Um, you know, I don't remember. Yeah, where were you really, baby? Hanging out at Applebee's getting hammered with some dude. Yeah, do you trust your partner, people? Humans can be pretty sneaky.

And what do you do when you don't trust them? Then you got to confront them. Okay, we got to talk. Okay. Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why do you have to question me? Don't you trust me? You don't love me.

Why you got to grill me? Yeah, I don't fall for that crap. You're up to something. It's hard to trust someone, isn't it? It's hard to put all your eggs in that basket and hope that they're looking out for you, that they're a good person. But you hear about it every day, right?

Somebody messing someone over, somebody cheating on someone. You think you know them, but then they turn around and they're with your best friend. They're with some guy from the office. Or even worse, they're with a completeer. You catch them with the gardener. Hey, man, I was just raking your law, man. I didn't, I accidentally tripped them.

Fell on your wife, man. Senor Fentas. Yeah. Trust. The only trust you need in life is you can trust me. to get you home every day with a smile on your face here on the Harland Highway. Hey, man, can I fall on you? Get out of here.

Sorry, man. Yeah, you've all been there. I want to hear your stories, okay? Uh, call me at 323, 215, 1486. That's 323-215, 1486. Let me hear how you were changed. it on let me hear how you were deceived let me hear and don't make it too long you know but let's hear the quick story just the breaking point and we'll share that with all our listeners here on the

harland highway um it sucks let's face it it's it's the worst thing and what what sucks is when you know they're lying you know they've got the Hots for someone else. You know that they're BSing you. And nothing adds up, but they just keep lying and lying and lying, right? And in your head, you're like, this is unbelievable. Like, I'm totally calling this person out on the carpet. I know things.

I've found things. I've seen things. I've heard things. And you're just sitting there acting like everything's okay and BSing me. Thanks a lot. Love. What a horrible topic. I don't even want to talk about it.

Bringing up all that old pain now that we all have. Let's just move on. Let's get off of this. This topic sucks. Ew. My dearest Cindy, it's been seven months since I saw. last on that wonderful summer day when we rode through the countryside with horse and buggy. I'll never forget as we laughed and giggled as butterflies floated through the air and songburn

sang from the branches as we struggled on by. And then we hit that rock that was somehow placed in the middle of the dirt road and the buggy bounced up in the air and you flew through the air and landed in front of the horse and the horse was unable to stop and it trampled you i'll never forget your bones cracking and crumbling as the horse and the buggy rode across your spine and crushed your skull your head reaching up for mine and i whipped it with the buggy whip as you tried to cling to some semblance of life i remember how i came to visit you in the hospital i brought you to Dutch chocolates and Japanese lilies

I remember how you had an allergic reaction to both and your skin started to pus you started writhing in the hospital bear and bucking up and down like a horse which is ironic because it is a horse that in fact

put you in those braces as you laid almost helpless in that dire hospital room I'll never forget as the nurses came rushing in trying to help you the wires attached to your skin and I accidentally spilled the vase that held the oriental lilies

and you started to electrocute and crackle and fizzle. Oh, Cindy, how I miss your giggle on those... Excuse me! Yes? What are you doing? I'm reading a summer letter. Okay, it's not summer, and what kind of letter is it? Obviously, it's a romantic letter. That's about as romantic as watching CSI, buddy.

Excuse me, can I finish? No, you can't finish. I'll never forget as you finally got released from the hospital and I walked you down the large marble steps out front. You tripped on a piece of rubbish that was on the stairs and you slowly flopped down 400 feet from top to bottom, your bones snapped. Excuse me.

Do you mind if I finish? Yes, I'm mine. This is horrific. I'm sorry if you're not into romance, but this isn't romance, buddy. You're talking about someone getting trampled and run over, and this is disgusting. Do you mind? Yeah, I mind. I'll never forget as you finally made it to the bottom of the steps,

and a garbage truck rolled over your legs. Just, all right, enough! Your kneecaps squirting like pop jellyfish on a beach. Get out of here! Your fingernails popping off the end of your fingers. Out! Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

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Visit TD.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. Oh, God. Oh, man. Is it any wonder? I mean, dig this. I was watching TV the other day. No word of a lie, okay?

And it was a big hype for CSI, you know. They did a big, like, It must have been a minute-long commercial for CSI. And the whole commercial was, they tried to make it all hip and funny and rhyming and music. And they were showing clips from all the previous shows, and they were doing this whole schick. They're like, there's a body in the basement. There's a body in the attic. There's a body in the door.

There's a body on the floor. There's a body in the bus. There's a body in the, you know, and they're just cutting all these quick clips of dead bodies, you know, stuffed in a bus, hanging from an attic, you know, peering out from in between a wall, buried in a basement, there was one in a garbage can, there was one out in the desert, and this thing went on and on, and you're just seeing like these dead human bodies, and then I'm not kidding, the tagline comes up, you know, at the end of the thing, the card comes up on screen, it says,

CSI, come for the murder, stay for the fun. What the hell is wrong with us? Are you kidding me? Come for the murder, stay for the fun? Folks, we have, what kind of society are we when we glorify and find entertainment value? you in the butchering and slaughtering of our fellow humans. How is this the number one rated show?

How do people tune in every week, sit on their couch eating pizza, sucking back Pepsi, and watch stories about human butcheries, slavery, rape, abuse? How is that entertainment on a weekly basis? How are sponsors lining up for that? I'd like to see the boardroom at, you know, Procter and Gamble. Well, let's see. We have this wonderful product called Snuggle. It's a fabric softener.

And we have crest toothpaste. And we have Cheer, which is a wonderful laundry detergent. How can we best sell this? Let's see. Maybe if we pair it up with murder, um, cadavers, um, autopsies, forensic science, uh, people's spleen, split open, uh, dissected corpses. Yeah, I think we found our niche. There's our market right there. Do it. Buy some ad time on that show. We like to associate our products with murder and pummeled corpses. And we're eating it up.

And I know I've talked about this before, but I guess I got fired up when I saw this whole, this catchphrase. Come for the murder, stay for the fun. Good God. What happened to Little House on the Prairie on Highway to Heaven? Who the hell's watching these murder shows every week? Apparently a lot of you. maybe you better call me and explain why you watch those shows 323215-1486 i'd love to hear about it good lord i know i probably already know what the answer is well it's just it's interesting it's a world we don't get to see and we get to vicariously live through these characters and it's like unraveling a mystery and it's the only way i can find out um where i can buy snuggle on sale.

I don't know. I just think it's creepy. Don't get me wrong. I'm a horror movie guy. I love horror movies and scary movies. But that's like a one-off thing. You go to the movie theater like three times a year and you see a creepy, scary movie.

Okay. But to sit around the boob tube with the family and watch these creepy shows about autopsies and dissections, and unearthing, uh, rotted corpses, pulling decomposed bodies out of the ocean? What the hell mentality have we got to? I mean, let's put it this way.

Do you think, uh, you would, uh, gather your family round on a Saturday night and be like, okay, everybody, gather around, kids. What are we doing, Daddy? Oh, it's another Saturday night. We're going down to the morgue. Yay! Are we going to see an autopsy, daddy? You bet, kids. Today they've got a butchered body.

Some guy fell out of an 18-wheeler. Yay! You know, as if you'd gather the family around an autopsy or a murder scene or a crime scene or a suicide. So what the hell are you doing it on your TV for, man? I don't get it. but then I don't get a lot. All I'm asking is that the day I die,

I'm inviting you all to gather around and watch me get carved up. How's that? Or imagine it was one of your family or friends. Would you line up to see your best friend throwing on an autopsy table and have his skull cut open and his ribs split open

and see some doctors start playing with his innards? No, you wouldn't. It's okay when it's like somebody else. So I just don't get it, man. But hey, it's your world. Do what you want. I guess I'm not here to lecture you, right? All I'm saying is I don't understand it.

I don't understand it. I can't put the pieces together. Oh, uh, oh, oh, uh, oh,

uh, Oh, well, come for the bodies, stay for the fun. Come for the podcast, stay for the lecture. Hannibal lecture, that is. These feet were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these feet are going to walk all over you. That's right, Harlan Williams, crooning to you, to your delight, I hope. Let's call the old shoe store and see what they got going on.

This is Krista. How may I help you? Hi, how are you today? Good. Hi, this is Terry Pincher. Uh-huh. Do you sell tap dancing shoes? We sure do not. Well, I was wondering if you had some.

We've had a death in the family. I'm sad to say. Rory passed on. And he was a tap dancer, and we wanted to get some. tap dancing shoes for the open casket tomorrow. So could you help me at all? We don't carry them at all. I'm very sorry to tell you that.

I'm sorry to hear about that, but we do not carry tap shoes. Each of us will hold up the body and wiggle his legs so it looks like he's dancing. Now, what sizes do you have in tap dancing shoes? We don't have tap dancing shoes. Oh, no, please don't tell me that. There's been a passing in my family. I know. I'm very sorry to hear about that, but we don't carry type dancing shoes.

Do you have slippers? We do. What style do you have, dear? We have, like, black flat. Black? Yeah, they're black shoes, and they're flat. You just flip them on your feet. Rory was an 11.

We do have an 11. Put some on the hold for me, my dear. Okay. How much of the slippers, dear? 1499. Can I get a... dead person half-priced discount because Rory's dead? You don't have no kind of difference.

But he's dead. I know. I'm sorry. I don't. Do you tap dance at all? No. I cheered. I was a cheerleader for 11 years. Would you mind giving poor Rory a little cheer as he makes his way to heaven? Would you do that for me? That would just cheer me up so much. I don't know what to say. I mean, If I asked you to give me an R, could you give me an R?

R. Give me an O. O. Give me an R. R. Give me a Y. Why? What do you got?

Rory. What do you got? Rory. What do you got? Rory. Oh, my God. Just give me a minute. Can you give me just a minute?

Yeah. Oh, my God. That was so wonderful. Rory, Rory would have loved that. Okay. Well, I'll be down there later on. Thank you, love. You're welcome.

Ta-ti-tata. Bye. Bye. Oh, my. Oh, my. Cheering for the dead. The flies buzzing all around their bodies. Hey, speaking of flies, I have a question here.

This is a serious question. Are butterflies drunk? Are they drunk? Have you ever seen a butterfly? Have you ever seen a butterfly flying through the air? Next time you're out, watch the garden, watch the air around you. Check if you can see a butterfly. Okay, everything else kind of just flies straight or flies in a certain direction. You know, house flies, birds, airplanes, helicopters, everything kind of flies.

in a bee line. Even bees fly in a beeline. But check out butterflies, man. These things just watch them. They like flap around and they kind of dart up and down and weave from side to side

and wobble this way and wobble that way and oh god they got to be the drunks of the flying world. I mean, what are they? Butterfly. What are they cranked up on butter juice or something? they're just flapping it looks like they're coming right at you and suddenly they dip down three feet and pop back up and then go sideways and i'm telling you they're hammered butterflies are drunk

flyers man i guess that's why you always see them on your windshield right stuck in the grill of your car they're like oh daddy's going to get some more butter I'll be back I'll be back in a half an hour I mean, man of those things erratic. Nothing else flies like, you don't see birds flying sideways and up and down and certainly don't see airplanes doing that. Although there's probably a lot of drunk pilots out there

that probably could fly like a butterfly. But I'm just saying, I think butterflies are hammered, man. Suck him back on the butter juice. Just warning, this is a warning to all the other insects out there, all the other things taking up airspace. Watch out for the flying drunk butterflies. A lot of people been responding to some of the, of the bits I did. I did a bit last week where I could not figure out how you leave a tip.

Harlan, this is downtown Preston Brown telling you that the best way to leave a tip is double the taxes, buddy. That's what you've got to do. Callin from Johnstown, Colorado. Talk to you later, bud. Back. What, double the taxes? What are you, the sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood? I don't even want to hear that phrase, double the tax. I get taxed enough from the government. I'll be damned if I'm going to leave some little hot waitress double the taxes because she slid me a nice omelet. I'm doubling the taxes, sugar.

No, no, don't tell me that, dude. That just frightens me. I'll never go out and eat again, man. Hey, Harland, this is one of your avid listeners. Just to let you know, everybody in the automotive fields, just got a rising kick out of your, I guess, ignorance, I guess it would be, because it's not considered an emergency break. It's a parking break, so it keeps you in part, is what it does.

It's not an emergency break that we know nobody even calls it that. So just to let you know, you're using the wrong firm. Well, excuse me, I am so happy that I could be so amusing to the automotive industry. I did a segment about emergency breaks and how they don't really stop anything. Your car just keeps rolling every time you pull your emergency break. Well, this gentleman phoned in and corrected me. Man, do I have a egg on my face.

This could be the biggest blooper of all time. It's not an emergency break. It's a parking break. Well, sir, might I say whatever you call it, a parking break, an emergency brake, a foot up your hello break. It doesn't work, man. You show me one car where you can pull on the parking brake. And by the way, parking means parking, which means sitting still, not moving.

You show me one parking break you can put on, and the car doesn't keep on gone when you give it the gas. we have an emergency break because we have an emergency the parking break doesn't work so you tell your buddies down at the muffler shop or wherever you work to wipe the greasy grins off their faces and do something about those emergency parking breaks there we'll compromise it's now called an emergency parking break and it does nothing we'll call it the nothing break

It's just a handle in your car that you can pretend you're James Bond and you're pulling an injection seat. All right, thanks for the calls, folks. Keep them coming. Good stuff. It's not an emergency break. I know. Nobody even calls at that. Sorry. It's a parking break, so it keeps you in parks. Isn't it funny that things people can get impassioned about, the things. that people can get fired up about

it's such a silly random thing but but you know everywhere in life everywhere in the world there's always somebody who is sensitive about something you can find the most obscure topic

you know you could you could be like oh man look at this cactus it's not a cactus it's a cacti oh sorry sure is prickly. Prick!

You're a prick. I know I am, and it's a cacti. But it's funny. That's what's fun about doing this podcast, man. You know, you just, I just sit here and I chat away, and I throw stuff at the wall, and I pick topics to talk about. And it's funny because it goes out there,

and every little topic, everything you say affects everyone. differently. And here's some guy that got really jacked up about the old parking break. I love it. If there's something you're jacked up about, make sure you give me a call. Let me hear about it. I'll put you on the Harlan Highway. 323-215, 1486. Pick up the phone. Leave me a message. It's just an answering service, so you're not going to talk to anyone. You'll just go right through to a voicemail so you don't have to be shy um and uh here's something else i'd like you to check out the new harland highway website is up it's uh harlandhighway.com check it out you can go on there

uh look at uh some of the fun little things so ceases meet some of the characters on the show find out who they are, what they look like. And we're just going to be putting more and more stuff up there all the time. Also, you can check out my other new website, fudgefilm.com. And this is the website for my new indie movie, Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face, which is a crazy, nutty movie. We're hoping to have that available soon on Amazon.com for your rental enjoyment. This is a movie

that I wrote, directed, edited. Did the soundtrack too, did the sound effects, did everything. I wrote it. I mean, it's just crazy. So there's that and then there's

you can always listen to the Harland Highway on Stitcher. It's a app you can download. You can go to stitcher.com and you can download an app for your phone, your BlackBerry, your iPhone. We don't discriminate. And it's awesome. They will hook you up, and you can listen to me on your phone. Instead of making annoying phone calls, you can listen to annoying me. Wait, what? That's not right.

Well, I better go. I can see the butterflies are coming over the horizon. I'm going to go put my helmet, my face guard on. And once again, thanks to you for riding down the Harland Highway. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby!