The Harland Highway - PODCAST 175

Episode Date: October 8, 2010

Cold sores, wisdom from the homeless, people watching, best friends, strange bear attacks, Dr. Ascot. Twist my slippers! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Somewhere over the rainbow podcast sing, somewhere over the rainbow podcast sing. What the hell am I talking about? What the hell am I singing about? Oh, maybe I do need Dr. Ascott today. And yes, it is Friday, so I will be visiting with Dr. Ascott. I never thought I'd catch myself saying that that maybe I need them. But that's not the only thing that's going on here today on the Harland Highway. Welcome, I'm Harland Williams. Glad to have you rolling down the highway with me.

We're going to be talking about bear attacks. Somebody got attacked by a bear. You'll never figure out how they were victorious over the bear. We're going to be talking about people watching. Are you a people watcher? I don't know. Have you ever seen a person with a cold sore? Because we're going to be getting into that.

Yuck. I'm going to let you in on a little interaction I had with a homeless person that actually turned out to be quite funny in a way that you wouldn't expect. And we're going to be talking about best friends. Who are your best friends? I'm your best friend. Harlow Williams, right here,

on the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Mountspin, I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy

Okay. So here's a kind of weird, funny story here. Tell me what you think. I'm out the other day. I'm wandering around in the streets, right? I'm up in Vancouver shooting a movie, and I had some time off one afternoon. So I go up for a walk. It's a nice, it's a nice sunny day. and I get to a street corner and I'm waiting to cross at the light and this guy's voice catches my attention, okay? And it's a homeless guy, or so I'm led to believe. It's a guy standing there and ratty clothes. He's wiggling an old Coke cup. He's kind of hunched over, which I think was kind of a put on, but who am I to say?

and he was kind of a young-looking guy, probably like 35, you know, beard. You know, he's the type of homeless guy that it looked like if you took him home, threw him in the shower and put a suit on him, he'd look perfectly normal. So I couldn't tell if he's one of these homeless guys that's kind of scamming everyone, or he does it for a living, or he was really destitute. But nonetheless, what caught my attention was his spiel. And I'm going to play some of it for you. I recorded some of it on my iPhone.

And for some reason, it just cracked me up. Now, before we go any further, I'm not laughing in case he was homeless or destitute or down on his lock. No, I would never laugh at that. But the guy's spiel just on its own, some about his voice, his cadence, you know, the way he talks. Let me play a bit for you. And then, you know, we'll get back to you, and I'll tell you what kind of made me laugh. Here we go. This is the homeless guy on a sunny afternoon in Vancouver.

I'm a really nice day, folks. You deserve it. Good afternoon, everyone. Good afternoon, folks. It sure is a beautiful day. I hope you've been enjoyed it with some friends or family. Unfortunately, when the weather gets nice, people just don't stop. Not sure why, but it's a fact.

So you can help with even a quarter towards some lunch. If eight people gave a quarter, I could get a burger. It's not much, but it all adds up. No one's been stopping, so yes, even a quarter would help. order would help. If eight people gave 25 cents, I can get a burger out burger cake.

Okay. Are you getting the guy's spiel here? They're just something very methodical about the guy, okay? He's like, hey folks, have a great day. You deserve it. It's a beautiful

day. I hope you're having a great day with friends and or family. I don't know he's so specific and then he gets into he starts breaking down into some science he goes it's a very nice day for some people folks don't tend to stop when it's a sunny day i'm not sure why it's just a fact so so he has a fact and then he breaks it all down and he starts doing the math he's going if just eight people stopped and gave me a quarter that's 82 quarters I could get a burger at Burger King

and again I'm not poking fun at the guy I believe me at the end of this you'll hear me I gave him some money I felt bad for the guy I feel anyone who's you know down on their luck it's not fun to laugh at him what I'm getting at is just his gentle nature his cadence his routine

and I just there's a softness and a gentleness to the guy that just it just cracks me up I don't know why. Maybe you don't find it amusing. But just the whole, hey, folks, friends or family. I'm not sure why. It's just a fact. Here, listen to some more.

He just kept going and going. It was like on a loop. He had it down. Here it is. Good afternoon, folks. It sure is a beautiful day. I hope you've been enjoyed it with some friends or family. Have a really nice day, everyone.

Good afternoon, everybody. It sure is a beautiful day. I hope you've been enjoying it with some family or friends. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Unfortunately, when the weather gets nice, people just don't stop. Not sure why, but it's a fact. a fact it's a fact he doesn't know why no but modern science doesn't know why it's just the fact people

don't stop but you have a really good day you deserve it i love this guy oh god and i don't know why you know i i've got a quirky sense of humor but something about this guy just made me laugh and again just so we're clear not making fun of his is situation in life i feel really bad about that but just just just if the guy was an actor if it wasn't real or even the fact that it is real it's just his patter his his the way he verbalizes things it cracks me up and and just to uh you know show you that i feel for the guy here it is at the end where i actually give him a few bucks and he says thank you and he says he was getting discouraged and uh so you know i don't know if he'll ever hear this

I hope he's doing okay. I hope anyone living on the streets is doing okay. That's not an easy life. You never know why people are there. And it's not for us to judge whether they're buying booze or drinks. Everyone needs a little help. So if you're doing well in life, you know, have a little sympathy. And imagine yourself in their shoes.

Because we all get to go home to our houses or our... apartments or our cars, our friends, our family, and sometimes people in the world don't get to go home to much or anything. So here we go. Thanks for the laughs, buddy. Just based on your kind of patter and here's me just giving them a little something because as you can hear, he's getting frustrated so hopefully it helped out a little and uh you take care out there somewhere on the harland highway there you go buddy i got a soft for you here start to get this very much for you man thanks all right all right you too you've got herpes no you've got herpes no It's a cold sore, okay?

All of us have had cold sores. So I got a little cold sore right under my nose. I have a bit of a cold. And most people are fine. They're just like, oh, man, you got a cold, huh? Too bad. You got a little red under your nose. A little cold sore, yeah.

Oh, no problem. Cool, man. Hope you feel him better. Thanks. And then you always have that one ass who suddenly turns into a doctor. You got that buddy who works at Home Depot for Levitt's furniture, and all of a sudden they're a physician. Hey, man, what's that on your face?

Ah, just a little cold sore. Oh, that's no cold sore, man, okay? That's a herpy. Excuse me? Yeah, that's a herpy. Herfy Simplex 14. You're screwed, dude. You've got herpes.

You better not, like, kiss anyone or go down on anyone or anything, man. Oh, okay. Thanks, Doc. No, I mean, you know, this stuff spreads, it's communicable It's what? It's communicable What did you say? It's communicable Communicable? Yeah, that's what I said, man What's the matter with you? Maybe your herpes are screwed up your hearing

Okay, can we not call it herpes? Can we call it just a cold sore? Everyone has them I don't know, man, how's your genitalia feeling? I don't have genital herpes, okay? I've got a cold sore Same thing, dude. I always thought your face looked a bit like your bag. Okay, you know what? Knock it off. Shouldn't you be an Isle 12 at Home Depot selling tiles? Yeah, I guess I should, but maybe I should get some cream for you.

I mean, look at you. Shut up! So good luck with your cold source, people. I hope they clear up soon. Go to Isle 12 at Home Depot. Put some caulking on your face. I'm not sure why, but it's a fact. And here's another fact.

How many of you are people watchers? I think most of us are. You ever hear that saying, oh, I'm a people watcher. I love to just find a park bench or I go to the mall and sit in a hallway or just watch people go by. I'm a people watcher. And then I started to realize, you know, watch. Watching people ain't that thrilling. You know what I mean?

It's like taking that principle, I'm a people watcher. I caught myself doing that one day, you know, standing on a busy street or sitting on a park bench. And I was people watching. And then I was watching other people watching. And I realized people just don't do that much. Have you ever noticed when you make a point to sit in people watch? what happens people just walk by why there's a guy with a bag there's a guy with a briefcase there's a woman walking her dog there's a couple of girls giggling there's a guy eating a burger i mean what are we really waiting for

are we waiting for some guy to start doing cartwheels are we waiting for someone to pull a gun are we waiting for someone to start having sex on the sidewalk i mean you know the whole people watching thing I realize it just kind of falls flat people aren't that much different i mean you know it's fun to watch uh you know little details like maybe clothing or a facial tick or facial hair or someone's got a hat of course there's always little differences but overall people just walk on by people are kind of damn boring people watching you know so i kind of started asking myself why why the hell do i do this what the hell's the point but there's there's some kind of weird curiosity we have about each other we just like to

maybe wonder what the other person's doing where's that guy going why is he why is he walking so fast and oh i wonder where that girl's going dressed like that i bet she's got a rendezvous and look at that guy why is he so sour huh what's he Wow, is that guy going to, does he got a bomb in that Adidas bag? What the? You know, maybe we just like to let our imaginations run wild. I don't know. But overall, people watching is pretty boring.

So unless you're people watching, like, over by where the guys from Cirque de Soleil walk around, you know, or you're sitting there like, oh, my God, there's a guy walking by bent over himself. his feet are in his eyes he's walking on his hands oh there's a guy floating there's a guy rolling on a ball there's a guy riding a saber tooth tiger okay this is where I want a people watch over by the Cirque de Soleil campus but outside of that man not much happens so maybe the next time you're walking down the street

you kind of sense someone's people watching you I don't know, flash him a boob or hang a moon or give them the finger or do a cartwheel or just walk through a plate glass window, maybe kick a baby, you know, something. Give these poor people watchers some bang for the buck. Just, you know, the whole walking on by thing is just a little boring. So there you go. That's my little incentive for you people to spice up the human race, get artistic, get creative, and walk on by doing something funky.

Walk on by. Walk on by. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better.

sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Question. Who got the shorter end of the stick here? Men or women? Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

Who are men and women's best friends? Okay? Think about it. With women, the diamond. is a girl's best friend. With men, dogs are man's best friend. So who got the better deal here?

Women got a beautiful jewel of some kind that sparkles on their finger, and men got a hairy little flea-covered thing that licks his own jewels until they sparkle in the sunlight. I don't know, guys. Did we get stiffed here? Diamonds.

Cocker Spaniel. Diamonds worth millions. Cocker Spaniel worth maybe $8,900. Diamonds can wear them out. Look hot. You have a status symbol. Chihuahua.

it poos in your house it farts and it wants to sleep on your chest at night I don't know you tell me if you want to phone me and tell me call me let me know what you think who got the better deal and why

diamonds or a dog who's got the better friend I know you've got the best friend me Harlan Williams here on the Harlan High way okay so that's man that's man uh versus dog woman versus diamond how about this next story that happened in the news how about this how about woman and zucchini versus bear all right this is a real news story some lady who lived out in the wilderness or out in a small town near the mountain somewhere.

I'll play the clip for you, but you're not going to believe it. A bear kind of came at her, came at her house, came at her family or dogs, and she grabbed the nearest thing she could, and it was like a giant four-pound zucchini, and she beat the bear with a zucchini and saved everyone. Check it out. Shortly after midnight Wednesday, a woman living in a rural area in the mountains of French town led her three dogs outside. She doesn't want us to use her name, but wildlife workers know her story.

Okay, she doesn't want anyone to know her name. Okay, this is a woman who beat a bear up with a zucchini, who I think, if that was me, I'd want the whole world to know because I'm a hero. Okay, I'm a bear-beaten zucchini busting hero, but somehow Hillbilly Johnson doesn't want anyone to know her name. Let's keep going here. Right away heard one of her dogs barking, and so she opened up her kitchen door to see what was going.

going on and saw a bear coming down the hill. The bear headed towards one of her dogs. She screamed. The bear then turned to the woman and came onto her porch. She kicked at it. The bear swiped at her leg, then turned away and headed back to the dog. At that point, she looked on her kitchen counter to see what she could find and saw a large zucchini there. She looked around her kitchen and saw zucchini.

Okay, forget the butcher knife, forget the carving knife, forget the steak knives, Forget the giant iron fry pan. Forget the microwave oven, something that's hard. Forget about throwing a chair. No, that zucchini looks ripe. That's a fine zucchini. That's a bear-beaten zucchini right there. Picked it up, threw it at the bear.

The bear ran off. It's a close encounter, but luckily the woman is safe. Her dog is still receiving medical attention. Missoula Fish, Wildlife, and Parks investigated the seen Thursday afternoon. They hauled in a trap to catch the bear, and they'll use DNA from the six and a half pound zucchini and the woman's pants to see if they can catch the right bear.

Wow, that bear better get on the run, man. They brought out the hillbilly CSI. What the hell are they talking about? They're going to do... I haven't heard investigations this deep on human murders in the city of Los Angeles. You know, cops are like, oh, there's another dead one. someone call a garbage truck get these bodies off the street the hell we got we got a bear and a six pound zucchini and we're doing DNA testing and fingerprinting and what the hell's going on there and by the way where does one get a six pound zucchini is it possible that maybe she's living near a nuclear facility a nuclear power plant a six pound zucchini Maybe it wasn't a bear that ran out or maybe it was just a radiation-riddled chipmunk or something.

I mean, God, if you're going to throw a six-pound zucchini, I mean, surely you can throw a chair or a microwave at that point. They all weigh the same. Zucchini. That's like, since when do you scare away a carnivore by throwing food at it? Oh, my God, here comes a lion. Quick. Somebody threw a zebra leg. Oh my God, there's a tiger approaching.

Hurry, barbecue those steaks and throw them like frisbees. What the hell? That's like throwing a kid to a pedophile to get rid of them. What? She throws a part of the bear's diet right in its face to get rid of it? The hell? It's like a fat guy attacking you and you throw ice cream. bars at him back back you chubby why is he still coming i don't know are you throwing ice cream

sandwiches yes i can't figure out why they're not repelling the fat guy it's crazy and then here the town gets all fired up about the zucchini bear lady news of this bear attack spread like wildfire in the french town valley some we talked with weren't surprised there's nothing for him to eat in the mountains you know there's no berries or nothing the hell is he talking about there's There's no food in the mountains. Yeah, there's no food out there in nature. I guess old scruffles the grizzly bear's got to head into Piggly Wiggly to get some frozen turkey and a shrimp platter.

Attention shoppers. We have a polar bear in aisle 5, polar bear in aisle 5, which, by the way, we have ice cream sandwiches and Eskimo pies on sale in aisle 5. So drop by, get some delicious dessert treats, and see some wild polar bears. Thank you, shoppers. What the hell? That just keeps going. Neighbors who wouldn't talk to us and camera tell us the bear may be cute and cuddly,

and the story is somewhat comical, but it's a major safety concern, not only for them, but for their pets. Vivica Krauser says the woman did everything right, but the lesson here is for people to maintain a clean property and be aware of their surroundings. What the hell? What is with all the neighbors and the victim not wanting to be on camera or wanting to talk to the media? Do you get the feeling maybe this reporter didn't really interview anyone? I mean, it's not like, you know, a gang member did a drive-by and shot up your house

and you're terrified to be a snitch. It's like a bloody bear who came looking for probably smelt some stew cooking. came for a free handout and some lady throws a zucchini at its head what the hell's going on in this world there's no food in the mountains nobody wants to talk about it it's like what the hell

it's like Roswell all of a sudden out here so the lesson here is not to be anything more than have a weapon in your house Okay? Forget having a rifle or a knife or a shotgun. Go get yourself some fresh vegetables. Mommy, I'm scared of the bad things coming tonight. Oh no, not tonight, children.

Mommy went to the grocery store and bought five cabbages, 12 carrots, and an eggplant. Yay, we're going to be safe, Mommy. You bet your sweet salad bar asses you are, you little freaks. Now get upstairs and eat your own legs. What? Oh, anyways. Well, I think somebody out in that town needs therapy. And, uh, the, the T word.

Speaking of which, it's Friday, and guess who actually does need therapy? Oh, I'd like to throw a zucchini at this guy. Here we go. It's time for me to sit down with Dr. Ascott. Oh, God. we go hello dr ascot hello alland what are we doing this time alland try to have a better attitude why should i have a better attitude this always ends up going nowhere allan don't alland me it's harland oh what are we doing holland sometimes we need

to step outside of ourselves in order to appreciate ourselves more. Okay, that kind of makes sense, I guess. So what does that mean for me? Arland, today I want you to step outside of yourself. And how do I do that? It's really quite simple, Arland. Oh boy, why does quite simple always lead to something horrendous? What do you want me to do, ask God? Arland, all you need to do to step outside of yourself is to become someone else.

What does that mean? I want you to speak Chinese, Arland. What? Chinese, Ireland. If you become Chinese, you are no longer yourself, Holland. I don't speak Chinese. Just try it, Holland. All you have to do is make a bunch of funny sounds, and you are speaking in Chinese.

Good God. Holland, you will get fired. I know I'll get the pink slip. Yes, Holland. Speak Chinese, Holland. Okay. Stop pushing me. Holland speak Chinese.

Oh, right! Hong Tao Changchang Chao. Excellent, Holland. Try another one. This is demean... This is insulting to Chinese people, Ascot. Arland, this isn't about the Chinese people. This is about you getting healthy.

I'll get healthy when I'm away from you. Arland. Speak Chinese. Okay. Tung Tao. Tung Tau. Excellent, Arland. Speed it up a little.

Tung jing tau, tangle. Excellent, Holland. Put a little inflection into it. Okay. Tung-tai, tung-kow, kai, sing-e-a-gau. Excellent, Holland. Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. You know, this is actually, I don't know.

There's kind of a nice rhythm to this. It's kind of a romantic language. I think I might like this. Excellent, Arland. You see you are stepping outside of yourself. Yeah, yeah. Maybe this is working for once, As Scott. Absolutely, Arland. Why don't we have a conversation? Okay. Excellent, Arland. How are you today, Arland?

And what have been up to lately? Absolutely marvelous. And how is your family and your wife? Dingda, sing-d-d-sang-a-sing-a-sing-a-tong-li-a-tong-k-ry. Ah, ha, ha, excellent, excellent. And will you be spending the holidays somewhere this year, Ireland? And how's t-tting-da-tun-da-tong-a... How? What the hell was that for?

You just called me a fat slut, Holland. What are you talking about? You just called me a fat slut in Chinese. How do you know? I speak perfect Chinese, Holland. What are you talking about? Holland, let's continue. Ow!

Stop it. Tung Tai, ting to-tall, Tung-haw, Tung... Ow, ow! Stop it, Arland. I'm not a fat slut, and I don't hang around at the men's room at airports. Oh, this is fun. I like this. Oh, Tung-Tang-Ti, Tung-Dal. Stop it, Arland. I am not wearing a woman's dress. Teng-Ti-T-A-T-R-Land. I do not have vibrators and dildos in my bag.

I am not dating Richard Simmons, Arland. Stop it. Oh, land. Dong-dong-dong-dong-gong-a-lan. Dong-d-dong-d-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hall-l. Wow, what a loser. I got him that time. Holland.

Holland. Holland. Holland. Oh, annoying. Well, don't forget, folks, a new website is up, harlandhighway.com. You can go and check it out. And there's also a new website up for my new indie movie, Fudgey Wudgy Fudge Face. You can check that out at fudgefilm.com.

Find out all about my indie movie that's going to be available pretty soon on DVD. We'll let you know when that happens. And until that time, you folks have a nice day because you deserve it. And until next time, chicken chowman, baby. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Thank you.