The Harland Highway - PODCAST 176

Episode Date: October 11, 2010

Russian roulette, politics and money, mission to mars, Space visitor to studio, valet parking, bad car commercials, the question of the day. Slap my tuna melt!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the podcast, California. Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a love. Okay, you're not in California, you're spread out all over the planet because this is one highway that is not local, it goes everywhere. And there's a lot going on today. This is a busy show, man. And we're going to be talking about the next mission to Mars. Are you eligible to be a Marsanaut?

I think someone from the space industry is dropping by the studio, unfortunately. We're going to be talking about politicians and their deep pockets and the money they spend. We're going to be talking about valet parking and bad car commercials, right? when a car company tries to sell you a crappy car, but they make it sound like it's incredible. We're also going to be doing some Russian roulette today. As you know, I'm great at it. I never lose.

Another challenger has shown up at the studio today and wants to take me on. Let's see how it turns out. And then we have the question of the day, a big, important question here on the Harland Highway. the Harland Highway question of the day, but there's no question about you having fun because you're here on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend.

Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Have a really nice day today Folks You deserve it I wish I'd never done this For those of you that listen to my show You know I played a game of Russian roulette with Donald Doc

A few months ago He lost and now since Donald came in all these other characters have been coming in wanting to play Russian roulette with me I think Mickey Mouse who else Scooby-Doo came by Mr. Magoo they all lose

I don't know how but I'm good at Russian roulette so today against my wishes another challenger has stepped up the Pillsbury doughboy is here and wants to have a game of Russian roulette. Hello, Doe Boy. Are you sure you want to do this?

Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned game of a Russian roulette. All right, if you want to do this, I'm going to do it again. All right, who's going first? You or me? I'll go first. Right, here you go. Here's the gun, put it up to your doy little temple. And let's begin. All right, ready?

Yeah. Okay, Mao! Mow! Mow! I won that round. Your turn, Sucker! All right, here we go, I'm telling you. We can stop now, I never lose. Just shoot, sucker.

Here we go. Mau! Mau! Mau! Ha-ha-mao! There, see? Back to you, you little yeast infection. Ready? Yeah.

All right. Mow! Mow! See nothing! Mow! Mow! Mow! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh my God! Oh, there's little... Oh, there's little crescent rolls all over the place. There's a turnover dripping from the roof. Oh, what a disaster. I didn't want to do this. Can somebody get the janitor to clean this up?

Smells like cookie dough in here. Mmm, actually, taste. It's not bad. Hmm. Actually, forget the janitor. Get me a bowl. And a knife from fork. Oh, so violent.

Poor little dough boy. You had it coming, right? Now, here's something that I don't understand. Have you ever watched these elections? You watch elections in the United States of America, the good old US of A. Someone get me a bacon sandwich and a raffle. I'm American.

Here's what I don't get. Okay, you see these candidates running for office. and they're running for governor, they're running for something. And you always hear these stories. And the candidate has sunk $42 million of his own personal fortune into the campaign to run for governor of South Carolina. It's his whole amassed fortune that he worked his whole life for. You know what I mean? You ever hear that?

that these so-called wannabe politicians use their own fortunes to fund these campaigns and I don't get it, man. The math doesn't work. What are we missing here, folks? Okay, first of all, you spend $23-43 million to get elected for four years in a job that only pays like 200 grand a year? Okay, there's no job security.

You know you've got four years max and then it could be over. Okay, so, you know, 24 million to make $246,000 to make $800,000 on your $24 million? Something's not working there. And then even if you ran for 32 years, kept winning term after term, that's still not going to add up to what you spent. And, you know, first of all, two things.

One, I don't love it that the only people running are these millionaires, okay? The fact that the average Joe can't run for office is kind of sad. You know, you've got to be someone of wealth in order to run the country. Well, I don't know if you know this or not, but people. of wealth don't always have the same problems that the rest of the world has. When you are wealthy, you have kind of a privileged existence, and your view of money and taxes and everything else is skewed because you live more of a charmed life than everyone else. So, you know, the world financially doesn't affect you the way it affects the average

Joe. So it just bothers me that millionaires, the guys up there, making all the calls, making all the decisions, running for office. I'd much rather have an educated person that doesn't make millions of dollars in there because I feel like they'd fight more, they'd want it more, they'd sympathize more with the rest of us, right? Okay, so that's one thing. And then second thing, what is so good about being a politician? You know, I don't get why you'd spend your career making, you know,

$43 million as a CEO of a big company, or you invested in oil or something, and then you want to blow all that money, you want to gamble it on winning, and then even if you win, you get into a job where basically you're under public scrutiny and everyone's watching your every move and people don't like you and people are doing name calling and, you know, being a politician is a thankless job, man. You can never make everyone happy. And someone's always looking to skewer you, man, no matter how good you are, how honest you might be or whatever. There's always someone looking to impale you or hang you up on some little thing because that's just the way it is.

So I guess to some, you know, put this all together, what I'm asking, What is what is the upside of being a politician? I mean, is this just an ego thing? Is this these people are like, God, you know, I'm a millionaire. I've got $42 million, but nobody really knows who I am. But imagine me walking into a banquet and being sitting at the head table. And imagine all the people in the city having to call me to ask for favors. And imagine my name on a building or a library.

the Harland Williams Library Mayor Harland Williams or Congressman Harland Williams Airport I don't know if all that crap's worth $42 million, man I mean there's some we must all be missing why do these people want to do it and it can't be this whole

well I want to make a difference you know I worked in the private sector I made all my money, but now it's time for me to make a different. And they act like, you know, they're going to walk into the world of politics and have some kind of revolutionary new approach, shake everything up, change the system, you know, knock down the walls of American politics. I'm going to go in there and there's going to be no more of this, no more of that. And I don't care what that party says.

I'm just, I'm abolishing it. No more of that. And we're going to do things my way, because my way is the right way. Do you know how mired the political system is and red tape and bureaucracy? And see, that was the downfall of Obama. You know, it's like, here's this guy. It's like, change, hope, blah, blah, blah. And you want to believe in it.

You know, we all fall into it. We want change and we want hope. But it's like, it's like walking into someone's family and just saying, you know what, I'm going to reorganize the structure of this family and the way everyone feels about each other and the way everything is done. It's just not easy. You can't just walk in and reorganize everything and change it.

There's too many forces at play that will nip you in the bud. You know, there's too many people behind the scenes. There's too many relationships. There's too many favors being played out. There's too much money being passed. So everything just kind of remains status quo. You know, people work to get things to a certain place. Lobbyists and people grease in the hands of other people.

So to just walk in and change something, what you do in essence is knock down the dominoes that all these other people have built up, and they're not going to let that happen. Because all these politicians are greedy and have their own agendas, you know? I don't know that all of them are just looking out for the welfare

of the country of the people. They're probably thinking about their beach homes and their Maseratis and their hot secretary. So I don't know. It's kind of bizarre to me the whole these people getting into the political game. I'm a little suspicious of it. The mathematics don't make sense.

Got to be ego or something. If you know the answer, call me. You know the number. It's at harlomwilliams.com. It's right there on the web page. Shoot me a letter, whatever. But I just still to this day cannot figure it out. Maybe I should run for office and I'll find the answers.

What? I could do it. I got a couple of thousand dollars saved up. Well, yeah, I guess not. Okay. I'll just sit here and keep on hoping. Hello, Houston. We have a problem.

Hello, Houston. We have a problem. My hello is stuck in my spacesuit zipper. Hello! Yeah, have you heard about this? They're looking for astronauts or people or whoever citizens to go to Mars. The first mission to Mars. I saw this in the news, and part of me was like really excited. Finally, we're going to Mars. And part of me was like, wait a minute. I already

was the first guy to go to Mars, okay? I don't know how many of you have seen my movie, Rocket Man, one of the favorite movies I've done out of my, I don't know, I think I've done like 30 movies by now. Rocket Man being at the top of my list. By the way, it's available. at my website, harlandwilliams.com. You can go and purchase Rocket Man, personally autograph each copy, great family movie, guaranteed to make you laugh. But I digress.

The first man mission to Mars, and they're looking for people. Are you cut from the right cloth? Are you the type of person that wants to be a Martian? I think that's exciting, man. you know we've got all those little robots and machines roaming around up there checking it out they're like real estate guys you know they're they went out to check it out they've been nosing around for a few years it's like all right everything's cool bring the party people up so they want you

i guess they want somebody to step up and go to mars if i hadn't already done it in the movies I can go for it. I just don't think my signal for the Harlan Highway could reach Earth from up there. Got to get my radio show done every day. That's my excuse. What's yours? Don't you think you owe it to mankind to be going to Mars?

That would be fun, man. Maybe they should send the cast and crew from Gilligan's Island. Put them all on a spaceship. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a rock. rocket ship they set out for a 39 month tour a 39 month tour oh no harland williams hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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these are the voyages of starship enterprise are five-year mission to search and find and look and find strange new planet strange do not light for them captain's log Start 8-5-7-9-3-2.

I must make some fresh lasagna as I have my physical coming up with Dr. McCoy. Excuse me! Excuse me! Yes, how can I help you? What are you doing in my studio, Kirk? This is the Command Center for the Starship Enterprise. No, it's not the Command Center. Studio. How the hell do you get in here?

I am Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. No, stop it. What are you doing? What the hell is that on my console? It's a slice of French lasagna. I must get my nutrients before I go for my physical with Dr. McCoy downstairs. There's no Dr. McCoy downstairs. There's no physical. You're getting lasagna all over my country. console here. I must make some carrot juice in my blender and order to... What are you doing? I'm putting carrots in my

blender so I can get some vitamin K for my physical. Stop it! Don't do it. Turn that off! Turn it off! Turn it off! You must calm down. I'm trying to get ready for my physical. What the hell is that? It's a slap chop. What do you mean a slap chop? What do you mean a slap chop. I must dice some onions and some mushrooms for my lasagna. You're not eating lasagna. Get your

lasagna. Get your what are you doing? Stop it. Put the slap chop away. Stop slap chopping. I must slap chop the onions and the mushrooms and the carrots for my lasagna. Stop slap chopping. Did you hear me?

I can't stop slap chopping. I'm Must prepare for my physical with Dr. McCoy. You're not having a physical. Get rid of the lasagna. Oh, you got tomato sauce all over my console. I must beam down to the medical center. Good. Beam out of here. Don't push me.

Get out of here. Take your lasagna. I'm taking it. Maybe I'll beam down to the cafeteria. Yeah. Idiot. I heard that. I'm Captain James Stinker.

Get out! Can I interest you in some freshly hand-tossed rigatoni? Get out! How about some freshly baked Starfleet ginger snaps? Go out! Oh, God. I got to valet my car. Is that not the most terrifying experience?

ever when you valet. I mean, what do we save up for in life? Our houses and our cars, pretty much. Those are the two big purchases usually for us, normal folks. You pull up to, like, mysterious French restaurant, right? You want to go in with your girlfriend and have a crepe, and you want to have the poissons, and the pullet, with a nice French cuisine

and you pull up in front and there is Pierre a little French man standing in the front with a blue vest and he's about as French as a guy from Texas Hey man, can I take your car? You work here?

Yeah man, I'm the valet. Yeah, this is like a $50,000 car Yeah. And you're going to go park it for me? Yep. Oh, gosh. Okay, Goofy, here.

I've never met you. Right? I don't know if you've got a criminal record. I don't even know if you have a driver's license. Gosh. Well, you know what? Here's the keys to my Mercedes-Benz. Go have fun.

Thanks. I mean, isn't it a little scary the way we? We just hand off. You wouldn't hand some stranger the key to your house. Hi, can I go in your house? What the hell you want to go in my house for? I'm wearing a blue vest. Oh, well, go ahead, yeah.

Have a nap. Make yourself some crapes. It's hard in this day and age to trust anyone, isn't it? Just handing off your car to some pimply-faced kid to just get out of DeVry. He could drive that sucker to Mexico. Making one night what it would take him seven years to do as a valet. Are we trusting? Are we just stupid?

Or do we just want a crepe Suzette so badly we are willing to give up our fancy automobile? Oh, I must have le poisson. Le crepe suzette. I don't know, man. It's a funny world. All we got is each other. I got you. You got me.

You're on the Harland Highway. Gosh. And speaking of driving, I will not allow one more car commercial with something that might not even be a car. Okay? Have you seen these car commercials where they try to fancy it all up? And they get a car like a Kia or a Ford Escort or a Dodge Neon. and they lay down all this crazy hard-hitting rock-and-roll energy music.

Okay. And they do these fast cuts of the Kia, like weaving through the city streets and flying around corners and climbing up hills. And the lighting's all gorgeous and sexy, and the streets are sprayed with water, so the light reflects. Right, and the people inside the vehicles are young and hip and beautiful models. And they just do these quick cuts, you know, there's a cut of a headlight, then there's a cut of a wheel rim, and then there's a cut of the console,

and there's a cut of someone shifting gears, and it's all, yeah, the new Kia, we're just one letter away from being IKEA. Yeah, you can put this car together with an Allen ranch. It's the new IKEA, Kia. Right? This thing's burning around, and you're like, oh, my God, this is the hottest. Oh, my God, this is so exciting. This is...

And then you just go and look in the parking lot at the car dealership on its own, and it's just sitting there in the rain in a parking lot. And you're like, oh. Is that the Kia? It's the new. Kia, Ikea. You get to put it together. Yeah, I know the spiel.

You know, now that I'm here, it's just, where's all the excitement? Where's all the frazzle? Where's all the sizzle? Well, man, when you get it out on the road, you know, all that musical start, and you'll be picking up models, and yeah, right. See you later. I'm going to get a Mustang or a charger. Nice try.

So what I'm saying is, can we knock off the phony car commercials? where they take a piece of crap and try and romanticize it and hype it up and make it look like you're driving like a James Bond car. You know, everything but the oil coming out the back and the smokescreen and the bullets being shot at it. It's like, nice try. What are we stupid? It's like trying to sell a cheeseburger as a pheasant under glass.

We're not that dumb. So just stop the fake commercials with all the glitz and the cutting and the movie tricks, man. We're not that bloody stupid. It's a Kia. It's a Ford Neon. It's a whatever it is. It's a Dodge Neon. It's a Ford Escort.

I'm not going to be winning the Daytona 500 in that thing, okay? At best, I can pray I don't. hit a pothole and the whole thing like shatters like an icicle dropping from a roof and splintering all over the sidewalk okay it's like the cheapest low-end car on the market and you're trying to sell it to me like i'm buying a Ferrari please good lord just knock it off this is should be the commercial hey uh yeah we know you're not doing that good And the economy's bad, so you might want to buy this car. It's called the Kia or the neon or the escort.

Yeah, just get one. It'll get you from A to B. Good luck. And they're 15 grand. All the best to you and your family. I hope you don't, you know, whatever. At least you're moving. It's better than the bus.

Now it's your local dealer. There, that's the commercial. Oh, God. Now I'm going to go jump downstairs into my Rolls-Royce and go out and ram some Kiyas. Hello! Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. You are on the Harlan Highway, and it is time. Drumroll, please.

it is time for the Harland Highway Question of the day And this is not an easy question to ask It's a delicate question Oh boy Here we go Let me clear my throat Ah

Okay This is a question for the guys mostly But the women too because they're part of it. Is it a bad sign? When you, how shall I say, have an intimate moment with a lady

and you go down to a certain area, a certain area that we all know and enjoy and love, is it a bad sign if you go down to that certain area and hanging on the outside of the undies is one of those rearview mirror

pine tree shaped air fresheners is that a bad sign the Harland Highway question of the day hmm so foresty Yes, I know sometimes the questions in life are not pretty, but hey, got to ask them, got to ask them. And if you're asking yourself how you can hear more of the Harland Highway when you're on the road, when you're moving around, when you're not sitting by your computer, or you don't have your iPod, you can download the Harland Highway. at stitcher.com. Stitcher

let you listen to the Harland Highway on your cell phone. You could have a droid, you could have an iPhone, you could have a blackberry, you could have a tin can with a rope in it,

whatever you got, man. Go to Stitcher and get the free app and you can be listening wherever you go to the old highway with yours truly me, Harland Williams. And don't forget a couple of new websites up for you, folks. We have the Harland Highway website at Harlandhighway.com.

And we also have a new website up for my new indie movie called Fudgee Wudgy Fudge Face. It's a movie that I wrote and directed and shot and blah, blah, blah. But it's a fun website. You can learn all about the movies. at fudgefilm.com, and soon that movie will be available for you to purchase. We'll let you know as soon as that happens. But that's all the happenings that's happenings today, okay? I hope you had a great time here on the highway.

I know I did, and that's not all that matters. We want you to have fun here, too. It's not a one-way street It's a highway There's lanes going each way But that's all we got Thanks for joining in Please tell your friends about us

And until next time You know the drill Chicken chow main, baby Have a really nice day Today folks You deserve it