The Harland Highway - PODCAST 177

Episode Date: October 13, 2010

The finger, snack bar rip off's, Senior Fuentes, Outdoor kids, technology, nude chores, BBQ Eddy. Swimming salmon steaks matey's!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Benny and the podcast Bish Tush! Banny! Benny! Benny! Benny! Benny on the podcast! No, there is no Benny.

There is no podcast. Well, yes, there is a podcast, but it's not named Benny. It's named the Harland Highway, and you're on it. And very glad that you are. I'm Harland Williams. I will be your host to get you. through this stretch of road. Hope you have some laughs,

some chuckles, some giggles. We're talking about all kinds of things today. We're talking about this strange new phenomenon about kids going outdoors. What? Kids outdoors? Yeah. We're going to be talking about how technology is inhibiting them

and where's it all going. Have you ever done chores around the house in the nude? Well, we're going to bust you on. that one we're going to be talking about it uh eddie the barbecue guy's going to be here um we're going to be talking about going to the movies and getting reamed at the snack bar how about that experience don't you just want to give them the finger and by the way we are going to be talking about the finger so uh oh yeah and i think senor afentes is by today so hang on to your garbage bags here we go

It's Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Eh, up yours, buddy. Yeah, you've all done that, the old up yours, the old middle finger, right? You've all expressed yourselves. But have you ever tried using the other fingers? You really only can use that middle finger. Like any other finger you use just doesn't seem to work. so well. Like you use your index finger, you know, try it. Just stick your index finger up in the air.

I try to, what happens is anyone around you just kind of walks over and starts looking in the sky. They think you're pointing to like a UFO or something. So that finger doesn't work. And then you got the finger on the other side of the middle finger. You try giving that one and all the single ladies in the neighborhood or what, what do you, are you single? I don't see a ring. Are you single? Why is he holding up the ring finger? And then you get all these, like, uh, fatties chasing you down the street. The baby finger, try giving, getting any umph on that one.

The little baby fits too short. You can't even see it. The most you can do is, like, stick it up in the air and then put it in your mouth and just kind of suck on the tip and go, well, the soup's ready. It's just the right temperature. Yeah. Yeah, there's the baby finger Just tested the soup

And then the only other appendage you have left is your thumb So you try giving that is like You know And then you're just giving the thumbs up The guy you're giving the thumb to just looks at you And he's like got a big grin He's like, hey, right back at you buddy Thumbs up

Hey hey, what's up Fonzie? So I guess that middle finger is the only one you can stick you know where Did anyone ever stop to think what the middle finger actually meant? Yuck! Somebody get me some of that anti-bacterial soap.

I'm about to give someone the finger. I want to make sure I'm clean. Just be nice on the Harland Highway. Ah, I'm yours, Williams. Hey! The soup's ready. What is with

the uh confection stand at the movie theater can somebody tell me what you know people tell me to invest in the stock market invest in real estate invest in gold screw that i'm investing in the snack bar at my local movie theater have you noticed the prices they charge for this crap good night i'm not joking i bought a small bag of popcorn the other day $7 for a small bag of popcorn. And then I threw in like a drink. It came to $11.90 or something like that. And I'm like, are you kidding?

I could buy a meal at a restaurant for this. I could go to McDonald's and feed my family for $11.99. What the hell are they popping the popcorn in King's urine? What the hell is so... What a scam, man. Pissed me off. It's like you could literally go to a grocery store and buy like eight cartons of microwave popcorn for $7.

And they're charging me for that? To go in and sit in the dark, and it's never really all that fresh half the time and it tastes a little stale. and then on top of everything else to add insult to injury you say can I get some butter on that please well sure you can

if you like fake imitation butter flavor and gold what yeah who knows what they put on that popcorn it's called imitation butter flavor oh

it's just like a big bowl of oil flavored like something good lord i mean not a smart move for movie theaters to be doing this man i got to say it just it just builds resentment i love going to the movies but i'll tell you what i hate i hate being taken for a ride it's like you know they sell enough popcorn that they don't have to have it that high it's one thing to have it ridiculous like okay let's say it was $4 a bag. Okay, ridiculous, but okay, I can swing it.

But seven? A bag of popcorn's almost the same price as the admission to the movie. Screw you. Here's your golden butter flavor all over your, all over your friggin snack bar. Here, I'm going to stand up on the candy counter. I'll give you some golden. colored flavor you bet i will you deserve it so uh so here's what i do man i i sneak stuff in

like screw these guys you know what you do on the way to the to the movie theater stop at 7-Eleven pull in gas up your car go in buy some Hershey kisses or some m&Ms put it in your purse or in your pocket. I'm not even joking when I'm saying you'll probably save about $15. It's pathetic. And then on top of that, you want a simple chocolate bar,

a little bag of M&Ms, no way. You have to buy a bag of M&M's the side of a bag of grass seed. You're going to buy one of those giant chocolate bars that you get on very rare occasions the kind you put in a Christmas stocking or something. What the hell do I need that much chocolate for? Maybe a little diarrhea to go with my golden topping?

Hello. And the drinks. There's more pop or soda or coke or whatever you want to call it in one of those things. You could fill an airplane with that stuff, man. Who drinks that much? if you were sitting at home would you ever drink a whole giant can bottle of coke one of those big giant jugs of coke would you ever drink four cans of Pepsi in a row no so why at the movie theater would you get a glass that can hold six cans of Pepsi and you drink it all where's the logic I don't get it's a rip out these movie theaters better watch it man but you know they've already got competition from uh DVDs and online movies and pay tv and satellite smart move go go make it even worse for yourself

by overcharging i snuck a subway sandwich into a movie the other day screw it I don't need a garbage bag full of M&Ms and a hot water tank full of Coke and a sleeping bag full of popcorn. And then they try to rip you off. They're like, well, for another 50 cents, you can get a jumbo giant. Another 50 cents, that's all. Yes, and you can, we'll fill you, we'll come to your house and fill your bath, tub with Dr. Pepper.

You could drink your bathtub all night. No thanks. And then they have these weird combos. Well, they go, well, you know, if you get the large and the giant popcorn, it's actually cheaper than buying a small Coke. Huh? How did that work out? Somehow, I get screwed royally.

Somehow they want me to eat more sugar and garbage. They've priced out the stuff. small serving and made the bigger serving cheaper? What's happening here? I'm confused. Oh, God. I think I'll go

buy a book of matches and light a match and just swirl it around in the night sky and be entertained by that. You know, at least that's only three cents for a book of matches. Not if you want the chocolate bar on the giant Coke with that. That'll be $7,8,

$922. I'm going to burn the theater down. Hey, this is fun. You guys are going to enjoy this next story. Okay, imagine yourself. You're in the bottom of... Oh, no. No.

No. No. No. Oh, my God. What are you doing here? Oh, God. What in the name of God are you doing here? My name is Senor Fuente.

I know who you are. You're my gardener. Why do you keep showing up in my studio? I'm your gardener, senor, Senor Fenthe. Stop saying your name. I know it. I hired you. Signor Fenthe.

Stop it. What in the hell are you doing here? I have some bad news, signor. Oh, great. What'd you do this time? I had a problem with your tulips, signor. What are you talking about? Remember you sent me to the gardening center to buy some tulips? Yeah.

Well, when I was walking through the parking lot with the tulips? Yes. Well, I dropped your tulips. Okay, no worries. Well, when I dropped them, I guess someone had been eating a hot dog, so there was a dirty old weaner laying on the ground in the parking lot what does that have to do with me well your two lips fell right on the weiner what your two lips fell on the weaner and your two lips went all over the weaner in the parking lot what do you don't say it like but your two lips were all over the weaner stop talking like that

like what senor i'm just telling you the story get on with it well i finally scrape your two lips off the dirty weaner rolling around in the parking lot. Stop? Just get going. I'm trying to, senor, you just stop me. Finish up. So I got the tulips into the truck. I was driving home and all of a sudden I hit a yellow light. Okay, so whoopi do. Had to slam on the brakes, signor.

Yes? Well, when I slammed on the brakes, your two lips flopped over and went right into my crotch. Excuse me? Your two lips were all over my crotch, all over my zipper, and whatnot. Oh, my God. Exactly, Signor. I'd forgotten to do up my fly when I went to the bathroom at the garden center, and your two lips went right through my pants and into my...

All right, enough. And stop saying my two lips. Well, that's what they are, senor. You asked me to get tulips. Yeah, but they're not my two lips. Well, who gave me the money for them, senor? I did? Well, doesn't that make them your tulips?

Get out of here! And then the tulips, when I stood up, they kissed my ass. Get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, this is Harlan Williams. And there is a horrifying new ailment facing this nation. I hope you're ready to hear about it. Kids are afraid. to go outside.

Yeah, that's right. Remember when we were kids? Mommy, I want to go outside. No, stay inside. No, I want to go outside and play. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The kids nowadays, man, they don't know how to relate. They're so busy playing indoors with their video games and watching their DVDs and playing on their computers and going online and watching videos and doing all this stuff inside. They don't know what outside is.

You take them to the front door and you put them in front of it and they're like, Mommy, what's that strange light coming through? What is that, Mommy? It's so bright out there. And someone pulls the door open? Mommy, I don't want to go out there. Shut up, you little bastard. Get out there. Kid goes outside.

What is it, Mommy? It's a giant marshmallow man. Ah, shut up, it's the clouds, you idiot. What? Mommy, why is this carpet so itchy? That's not a carpet, dumbass. That's the grass. How?

What are all those other things walking around that look like us? Those are other human beings, dumbass. It's the world out here. Well, where's my joystick? How do I control it? You don't. It's real time. What's real time? It's the real time we live in, stupid.

Okay? Oh, how do I get a free game? How about I hit you in the back of the head? Okay, do I get a machine gun to try and stop you? Ah, get back inside where you're making sense. Okay, sounds good to me. Don't ever bring me out here again. It's not real.

Oh, my God. I tell you what, man. Smash your kid's computer, burn his video games, crush his iPod. go out and get them a canoe and dress up like a moose if you have to and stand in the weeds show the kid there's some real stuff out there ever heard of nature oh man yeah it's true kids have trouble focusing without their technology nowadays they're kind of married to it they're joined at the hip i was at a movie the other night and um it was one of these situations

where there's a lot of people and I was kind of in a seat where there was like two empty seats on one side of me and two on the other. I went to a movie alone and I was checking out a little horror movie and this group of kids walked up and like, hey man, would you mind moving over so weak? And I said, no problem, man. I moved over and all the four of them got to sit together. and then the girl down at the end must have been, you know, somewhere between like probably 16 and 20. And sure is crap, like within the first three minutes of the movie, she whipped out her cell phone and she's texting away. Just texting and I'm thinking, okay, she'll text for a minute

and then put it away and watch the movie. And I'll be damned if this chick didn't text through the whole, movie okay and this is like a horror movie this was like one of these suspense filled like what's behind the door you know and she couldn't give a crap how can you get into a horror movie how can you let the tension build how can you be scared when you look up and you see a vampire eating someone's throat and then you look down and it's like so anyways me and candy we're over at American apparel, and you can't believe the striped skirt and the shoes we picked up. Just unreal.

Then you look up, and there's six vampires having a sword fight, and spitting blood, and eating someone's eyes. And then you look down. So we're going to meet later at Burger King and have some chicken fries and onion rings. So we'll see you there, Cindy. God, I literally just wanted to grab that chick and eat her throat. You must stop texting now. I mean, honestly, man, just put the crap down for two seconds, but it's getting harder and harder for people, man.

You know, just to detach, to unplug. It's not going to be long until we have things, uh, implanted. under our skin or into our skulls or behind our ears so that we're always connected. We're always connected to a jingle or an advertisement or a friend or a stranger or something. It'll be interesting. I'm going to make a prediction here, okay? This is a Harland prediction. I'm going to say that within between five and ten years, we are going to be a very.

experiencing implants. Implants of chips, implants of, I don't even know if they've invented it yet, but this is my prediction between five and ten years and probably leaning closer to like seven, I'm going to bet that people are starting to have little techno chips implanted to give them information, to give them stimulus, to give them entertainment. Oh, as for me, the only chips I want inside of me is a big can of ranch-style Pringles because I'm communicating with the junk food. Yay!

How many of you women out there do your housework in the nude? Hmm? Yeah, you heard me. You know you've done it. You always hear women talking about it. Oh, I do my housework in the nude. I vacuum, I run around naked in vacuum And I do all the dusting and the nude

Sometimes I wash the dishes In my birthday suit Happy birthday to me Squitchy, Squitchie, Squitchie Happy birthday to me Rinse, rinse, rinse Yeah I guess the dudes don't get to do that, huh?

If the man about the house has to do the work outside he's up on the roof fixing a hole in the shingles completely naked that's not a pretty sight betty you seen bill around yes he's trimming the hedges where right over there oh my god he's completely nude yes isn't it darling look at his little buttocks jiggle while the electric trimmer shakes No, no, I don't want to see that. You imagine guys cutting the grass naked with the lawnmower? Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Completely nude.

Birds flying into windows. What the hell is that? I don't know, man. I mean, everything's supposed to be equal, right? But I do not want to see my dad or my uncle or my brother skimming the pool in the nude washing the windows in the nude taking out the garbage in the nude thank you ladies keep it gone whatever you do inside vacuuming cleaning dusting not that only women do that i don't want a big uh sexist's label put on me but you know what i mean oh men keep your clothes on

the world a much better place. Here, on the fully clothed Harland Highway. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hello? Hey, man, what's up? It's Eddie.

Who's this? It's Eddie, man. Who's Eddie? You want to go grab a couple of beers, or what? Who's Eddie? From the pet. man eddie from the pet shop wrong number grab a couple of budwisers and what the hell that was eddie he wants to party but they just hang up harland williams what the hell oh yes yes yes yes so

Halloween is coming soon it should be here very soon a couple of weeks and uh Are you folks ready? Are you Halloweeners? Are you Halloweenies? Are you holla sausages? Are you jalapenos? What the hell am I saying? Are you one of those adults that likes to do it?

It likes to dress up. Likes to get out and do the Halloween thing and put on a costume and go to a party? Are you one of these parents or adults that just like over it? It's like, what a dumb day, man. What a moronic. I'm not putting on a damn costume. Right?

But it's fun. I mean, when I was a kid, Halloween was the day, man. I think I liked that more than Christmas because it was up to you to go out and get your loot. You know, at Christmas you have, you're just dependent on what people give you. And it could be good. It could be bad. It could be a lot. It could be a little.

But with Halloween, man, It's all on you. So the more aggressive you are, the more miles you put in, the more doorbells you ring, the more stuff you get. And you always know what you're getting. I mean, at the end of the day, you come home with, oh, so many good candies and chocolate bars and M&Ms and chips. And it was heaven.

It was almost just a stupid day. I wonder if dentists started Halloween. Let's see. How can we get more chips? children in here and how can we pull more teeth and do more fillings let's have a day where everyone gives away sugar and candy and sweet who ha ha ha ha ha right oh man what were they thinking when they created a Halloween right I mean that's like imagine if they had like a drug addict day you know druggerween junkies and now

Alkees and addicts could just wander the streets for one night. They get to ring doorbells and you'd have to clean out your medicine cabinet. Here's my old Xanax and, oh, this is from when I had a foot injury years ago, some Vicodin and here's some Prozac. I used to be a depressed individual, but not anymore. So here, you know, people, you know, and. You wouldn't have to, it wouldn't be that much different from Halloween because all these junkies would be walking around the neighborhood, right?

Like zombies. Lurching up and down the street in slow motion. Dragging their belongings behind. Pills. Yeah, must have pills. You know, some of them are hairy and some of them are muddy and some of them walk like Frankenstein. Yeah.

Maybe call it heroin-ean instead of Halloween, heroin. Oh, God. Too cruel? Am I being too cruel? I don't know. It just seems fitting, you know. It's the kids get their day for their vice. Shouldn't the adults have a day for their vice? Collect all their little, uh, mother's little helpers, as they call them? I don't know. Something to think about.

here on the Harland Highway and other things to think about don't forget the new website is up it's harlandhighway.com where you can check in on things uh there's also a website for my new uh indie movie fudgey wudge face you can go to fudgefilm dot com and uh look of that soon the uh film will be available for you on DVD to purchase in the uh harland williams.com web store and don't forget you can pick up the harland highway podcast wherever you go if you have Stitcher yes you can download a free app stitcher.com and you can get that app for your iPhone your Blackberry your droid your pimple riddled face or anything that has buttons you can press

and you can listen to the Harland Highway wherever you may be share it with your friends don't forget to tell your friends about the highway and we're looking forward to a lot of fun stuff coming up here won't be long until Thanksgiving is here and of course we'll have John and John doing the Thanksgiving Day parade and then Christmas is coming up

and John will be doing the Christmas parade, the Harland Highway Christmas parade. Oh, God. So lots of stuff. We'll have more interviews. We'll have more of your favorite characters here. Just hope you're having a good time. Don't be afraid to leave a voice message

or write me at HarlemWilliams.com. And leave your suggestions, leave your thoughts, your comments, your likes, your dislikes, anything you want. I love hearing from you, and I love doing this show for you guys out there, you guys and gals. And haven't heard from a lot of the gals.

The gals are a little more hesitant to phone. So if there's ladies out there listening, don't be afraid. Leave a phone message. You got to even the balance here. We got a lot of guys calling in. And I know the ladies listen, but we need more voice.

messages more comments from the girls so don't be afraid and uh this is a multi-sex unisex hardcore sex podcast so thanks for listening and uh as always until next time chicken chow maine baby have a really nice day today folks you deserve it Thank you.