The Harland Highway - PODCAST 178

Episode Date: October 15, 2010

Cool movie dudes, street names, listener voice mails, rattlesnakes and cowboys, Cinnamon Boy, and Dr. Ascot. Sweet Apple chowder pie!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ground control to Major Tom, Commencing podcast engines on, Put your e-plugs in, and may God's love be with you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't have to put your ear plugs in, but you might, if you're on the treadmill or sitting in the subway, listening to the Harland Highway. Hello, Harlan Williams here with you. you on the highway, the Harland Highway.

Great to have you along. What a show we have today. We're going to be getting into some cool topics. Are you tired of nerdy movie stars? We're going to be talking about cool movie stars and how we can get them back. We're going to be listening to some voicemails about silly street names,

voicemails about the parking break and all kinds of weird important. things. Oh, it's Friday. Dr. Ascot will be coming here. Um, and I hate to say it, but someone even worse. Cinnamon boy. Ugh. Um, and then we're going to get a little nostalgic, man. We're going to be talking about rattlesnakes and cowboys. How about that, huh? Yeah, you're about to get bit up by a snake, by a podcast. So get ready. Right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway

Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Romp Spinning, I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy I don't know why, but I'm missing the spice girls. Is that bad? Classic rock guy missing the spice girls.

I want to bring them back, man. But I want to start them. I want some new spices, okay? Let's name the new girls. How about nutmeg? How about paprika? And how about a hot blonde named oregano? How about that?

That'd be sweet. And how about me? Cinnamon Boy! Oh, what are you doing in here, kid? I heard you talking about spices. So I thought I would get in on it, because I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here. I wasn't talking about you. I'm talking about bringing the spice girls back.

Well, wherever there's a spice girl, there should be a spice boy. Oh, and that should be you? Yeah, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon, and I love spice girls. Shut up, kid. Can't talk about anything regarding spices, and that dumbass has to come in here and get in on it. Just end this topic. Forget it.

Shouldn't have even brought it up. What, spices? Get out. Jeez. Harlem Williams. Forget the last bit. I don't want the spice girls back. Well, I do.

Get out. Because I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon. Get out! Um, can I ask an important question here, please? Yes, you may. Thank you, teacher. What the hell?

Who's that? I'm your teacher. Okay. Uh, wow, here's my question. What the hell has happened to our movie stars? Our male leads? Our male movie star leads? What the hell is going on?

Have you noticed this trend lately that all, All the guys top-lining movies, all the guys starring in movies are these crop of nerds. Have you noticed that? You know, the kind of effeminate, like, reserved kind of kid with its kind of antsy and kind of vulnerable. And they all talk like this. They're like, well, you know, do you really want to go to a movie with me? Because, no, I know you don't have to if you don't want to. But, you know, I thought maybe me and you could meet later.

Okay, sure. Yeah, I'll just be over here standing against the wall. Right? The Michael Caras and the kid from the social network with the curly hair and the fat guys from Super Bad and Seth Rogen. like all these guys that not in a million years would have hot chicks or go on the exploits that they go on but somehow these these kind of losers

these wimps these nerds are becoming like they're replacing our fucking leading men look at that I swore I never swear I'm pissed off about it I mean where the hell's my Clint Eastwood Where's my Sean Penn? Where's my Bruce Willis gone? I mean, at this point, I'm hungry for Stephen Seagall, for God's sakes. Where's the Bruce Lees and the, you know, the Marlon Brandos and the, where's the tough guys?

Where's the Matt Dillans and the James Deans? You get all these guys that have about as much macho as Woody Allen. How the hell are we letting this happen? I'm telling you. Man, I cannot go to one more movie with one of these wimpy kids. You know, he's the underdog and kids pick on him, and he's the last guy you'd expect to get the hot 10 out of 10 lingerie model. But there he goes.

And she can't wait to rip his clothes off and do him in the backseat or wherever she can get her hands on his frail, pasty body with his ribs sticking out and his hairy nipples and his pasty, wrinkly ass and his little un-macho voice and, you know, a pit-pitcher, a hot chick going at it with Michael Jackson. Oh, that's, yeah, let's do it.

Oh, it's so sexy. Oh, give it to me. Who's your daddy? Chee, she, he, chee, chee, chee. Come on. And even like Ben Stiller, although, you know, some of these guys I'm going to give them huge kudos for their comedy ability. I'm not taking that away. But stop making these wimpy guys, the heroes of movies,

and they're walking off with the hottest girls you've ever seen in your life, and they're beating up bad guys, and they're... Good Lord, man. I know movies are supposed to be fantasy, okay? I don't mind it if my leading man's like a macho-looking dude like Matt Dillon. Or I don't mind if my leading man has burning embers for eyes and a gravelly voice like Clint Eastwood. Can you imagine Clint Eastwood in one of these modern-day movies? Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, I'll just, you want to go out or something or, uh, okay, I'll just, uh, I'll go stand here.

the wall and uh maybe i'll blow your brains out i mean i'm just starving for a friggin i'm not gay i don't get off on men but good lord can someone please put a movie together where i can get behind some kind of macho dude who kicks a little ass god i can't take it how do we go from this Being this is a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and we'll blow your head clean off. You could ask yourself a question. Do I feel lucky? To this. I love you.

I love you. Why don't we say that every day? Why can't we say it more often? I just want to go to the rooftops and scream. I love my best friend, Evan. Boop. How about this? You be guy, motherfucker.

To this. We got taken hostage by a 12-year-old. Well, girls mature way faster than boys. You see where I'm going with this, man? Let's just get back to our macho actors, our tough guys, our studs. And if nobody's going to do it, then yes, I'm going to have to step out and do it, okay? I'll have to get on screen and just be that guy. That's right.

I have no chin. I have big ears, but at least they can act tough if I need to. I mean, listen to me, man. I can act off, okay? Why don't you girls come over here and make me a picnic? I mean now, ladies! As opposed to, um, uh, you girls, uh, you girls like apples? Because, uh, I know where there's an apple tree over on the other side of the field.

And, um, we could skip there and pick apples and make apples sauce. I never see a parties or anything. Saturday was actually a crazy night for me. Seth's parents were throwing this party They could get together Cocktail Casual Wow And then we went to a nightclub

We got in We got right in That sounds like a lot of fun You would have loved it God I haven't cried like that since Titanic So there you go That's my beef

Any producers Any directors Anyone in Hollywood listening Let's get back To the cool dudes So I can get back To the movies Chee

If three coffins ready Hey, you making some kind of joke? Oh, no. You see, I understand you men were just playing around, but the Muley just didn't get it. Of course, if you were to all apologize... I don't think it's nice, you laughing. I don't think it's nice, you laughing.

See, my mule don't like people laughing. It's the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now, if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it. Hey, hey, hey, Harlan Williams here with you, rolling down the Harland Highway. Is there any other place to be? Will Batman get the Joker?

I don't know where that came from. I just suddenly turned into the announcer guy from the old Batman series. Anyways, on to business here, people. I did a segment earlier this week. Do you live in a town or do you come from a place where it's got a stupid name? Like cranberry or blue, Heronville or Banana Street. Do you live on a dumb street? Harlan. I got relatives that come from a town called Hickville, Ohio.

And I live on the stupidest street in all of Armada. I live on Harlan. Take it easy, man. Hey, wait a minute. That's not so bad living on Harland. I don't mean living on me. That wouldn't be very comfortable for me. but I'll be honest, Dom, when I moved to Los Angeles, I found a street called Harland, which is the same spelling as my name, H-A-R-L-A-N-D.

And I actually went and looked at apartments there because I thought it would be cool to live on a street named after me. How hot would that be, bringing girls home on a date? Yeah, here's my street. Harland Harland Street And he named it after me

Wow, really? Oh yeah, yeah You know, this is, I just got to Los Angeles I'm not even famous yet And I guess people just know It's about to happen I mean, look, they named a street after me Oh my God, let's get to your apartment, hurry

I want to get naked and do you Yeah, yeah, okay Let me just stop and polish the sign off quickly here. People are going to address my mail. To Harland Williams, Harlan Street. Easy to remember, right? Oh, and speaking of dumb names, how about this dumb name?

Okay, how about Dr. Ascot? Okay, there's a dumb name for you. And yes, it's Friday, and yes, I got to go see this guy. He's in stupid. studio, my weekly psychological, whatever you want to call it, assessment, or I don't appointment, I don't know what the hell it is anymore. This nut job has me jumping through hoops like a circus freak.

So let's do it. Let's get it over with. Here we go. Oh, God. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. Your voice just gets creepier. Arland.

What is wrong with your voice? Arland. Just get on with it. What are we doing? Arland, today we are doing something called Christmas Carol Therapy. Christmas Carol Therapy. Isn't this a little out of season? Arland, don't tell me my profession. Get on with it.

Ohland, as you know, Christmas carols make us all feel better. Okay, I can't argue that. Yes, Christmas carols do seem to bring out kind of a joyous feeling in everybody. Exactly, Arland. Okay, and how does that tie into your so-called professional therapy? Arland, are you being condescending, Arland? Yeah, I am. Holland.

Get on with it! Alland, what I want you to do is sing a Christmas carol. You've got to be kidding me. Holland, I want you to sing a Christmas carol, but add in the words that caused you pain in life. What are you talking about? I want you to insert words that caused you pain, but wrapped in a Christmas carol will alleviate the pain

Oh, this is... Where did you learn this? Alland, just do it. I'm not singing a Christmas carol. Holland, you will be singing the blues when you get a pink slip. I know, you're going to get me fired fine. What do I do? Sing a Christmas carol and add some painful words.

Oh, God. Deck, the Hallsworth, owls of holly excellent allan fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la a gaulea insid some pain holland my father used to beat me fa la la la la la la la la la la la excellent alland he would hit me with a golf club excellent fa la la la la come on allan that was excellent Well, maybe I do feel a little better. Those Christmas carols do kind of lighten things up.

You see, Arland, let's try another one. Okay, I guess it couldn't hurt. How about Silent Night, Arland? Okay, I guess. Silent Night. Holy Night. My mother poured hot chocolate on my face My mother burnt my skin

Excellent all And I was in the emergency room At three in the morning And excellent I had to get reconstructive surgery For six months Okay, this, maybe this isn't working Alland

Well that was This is painful I don't want to associate this stuff with Christmas Christmas is like the only good time a year Alland One more, Arland Oh come on

Arland How about some jingle bells Arland All right and then that's it Excellent Alland Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy.

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That's Harlan. A.N.D. at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Jingle bells. Jingle bells. The neighborhood kids beat me up. I got a black guy and needed stitches and one of them touched me inappropriately. Oh, hey, jingle bells. Excellent, Harlan. Clap your hands.

Jingle bell. Jingle... I'm not clapping my hands. I was molested and beat up. Holland, Merry Christmas. What are you talking about? Merry Christmas, Holland. Happy beating from your father.

Happy hot chocolate. And happy punch from the neighborhood bullies. What are you talking about? Are you giggling? The best time of the year, Harlan. Oh, my God, you've ruined my Christmas. Ring jingling, ring jingling, hot chocolate stings, hot chocolate sting. Get out of here!

Deck the halls with a two-by-four from your father's drawer, from your father's drawer. Get out! Hi, Harlan, this is Heather. I was listening to your show, and you were talking about dogs eating grass, and I heard somewhere that they do that when their stomach's upset, and it makes them so better for some reason, but I thought I'd kind of let you know, because you're wondering about it. Bye. Okay, well, thanks, Heather.

Now we know. Next time we get sick, folks, don't take your Tylenol or your ribotussin or your aspirin. If you got a tummy ache or you feel queasy, just go out on the lawn and start grazing. Gobbled down a couple of pallets of sod. Throw back some grass seed. Suck on a sprinkler, and you should feel better instantly. Hello. Hello, Arlen.

I just want to clear things up again about the old emergency parking break subject. The only purpose for a parking break is to keep the car in park once you should. stop and turn off the car, it will stay in park. You're not supposed to drive it. Any car, yes, will drive once you put it in park, emergency parking. It will drive. But you're not supposed to. It's just supposed to be used to hold the car in place when it's parked. And that is what it does do. I'll talk to you later. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I mean, it's crystal clear. I, I think. I, I think, I think what you said is you can't put it in park because the emergency brake, your car will drive.

If you have the parking brake on, you put your foot on the gas, and it'll go through the emergency brake, and the parking brake goes on, and then you drive. Boy, thanks for clearing that up for me. Oh, my God. Well, let's get to a listener that's a little more clear-headed, shall we? Someone who really has their act together, and we can clear. clearly figure out what they're talking about. Oh, my God. I love you guys. I mean, I love you. And I am your secret admirer. And my name is, my name will be, wait, what? You guys, what's my name? I forgot my name. Tanya.

No! Wow. That's why I love getting your phone calls, people. I never know what I'm going to get. I love it. Call me. Leave me a message. If I like it, I'll put it on the air. You guys rock. I forgot my name. Panya. No. Oh, God. Yeah, she forgot her name. And I forgot my phone number, but you can go to Harlanwilliams.com. I should have the phone number right here handy, but I don't. So you can go to Harlan Williams.com, and the number is right there on the page right down at the bottom and if you want to leave me a phone message love to hear from you man um you know strike strike at me well it's hot strike at me like a rattlesnake speaking of rattlesnakes yeah watch out people the rattlesnakes here yeah be careful man

The weather's heating up. I don't know if you've got rattlesnakes in your neighborhood, but they're out there. They'll bite you. They'll bite your dog. They'll bite your horse. They'll bite your grandmother. They don't discriminate people.

So if you hear a rattle, you run. Or get into your best Bruce Lee pose and throw a drop kick or a karate chop. Just make sure you're not in the park and it's some lady with her baby rolling up behind you in the stroller and the kid's shaking its rattle. Sorry. You shut of a bitch. Yeah, why don't you take one too? Sorry. Just trying to be on guard for rattlesnakes.

I mean, those things will kill you, man. And don't do the old sucking the venom out of yourself. You know, don't turn into a yoga master and contort your body. Hey, Jim, why are you sucking on your left ass cheek? Oh, I just got bit by rattlesnake. I thought I'd bend myself around and suck the poison out. Uh, yeah, whatever, dude. Why, little reptile mansion?

Grizzly bears have rattles or mountain lions? How about gorillas and stuff? How about the big things that can get you? I can run away from a snake. I can't run away from a 900-pound grizzly. How about giving me a little warning? Put a rattle on that. Hell, put one of those things that beep when the truck's back up.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Uh-oh, grizzly bear, let's go. How about a fancy car alarm? Booh. Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beet, be... Grizzly bear, let's go. How do you know?

I can hear it's car alarm. Is it kind of like a rattlesnake? Yeah, I guess it is. Be on your toes, people. Don't suck any snake bites off your butt. Stay alive here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I actually saw a rattlesnake once out in the wild, and it couldn't have been in a more perfect place.

Okay, let me give you the setting, okay? For those of you that don't know what a beaut is, B-U-T-E, I believe. It could be double T. I'm not sure. I don't even know my own phone number. But out in the middle of Arizona, out in the desert, you've all seen pictures of those crazy,

they almost look like rectangle-shaped rocks that grow up out of the desert. They're tall and they're kind of red and the tops of them are cut off so they're flat. If you ever watch the Roadrunner, the Roadrunner cartoons, coyote and Roadrunner, they've always got kind of those square rocks drawn in the background.

Well, that's what a beaut is. And they're very picturesque. They totally remind you of the old John Wayne westerns when you see them they're they're quite stunning if you ever get a chance to visit them out in the arizona desert it's it's well worth it um and so what happened is i went on a road trip out there with a buddy a few years back and uh we were driving along and there it was on that we were kind of on this uh this road with no traffic and uh in the middle of the desert and we're getting close to the buttes and uh here's this little uh thing on the side of the road and

Some guy had a stand set up, and it said, horse rides, you know, like 50 bucks or something. And the guy had about six or seven horses there, and there was no one or else in sight. It was just me and my buddy. And we're like, what the hell, man? If you got to ride a horse in the Wild West, this is probably the place to do it right here. Okay? so even though I'm terrified of horses and they scare me and whatnot I was like hell yeah let's do it when are we ever going to be able to ride a horse in John Wayne country again right so this

Indian guy was there I guess he ran the horse riding booth there and he saddled up and we saddled up and me and my buddy Reg you know we rode off into the sunrise and we headed out to these butes and we're you know on the dusty trail through the desert and the horses were just kind of walking along cantering a little bit. We get out by the butes and uh

you know our Indian guide is leading the way and uh we're just kind of meandering around by the base of these giant beutes and all of a sudden huh what be careful rattlesnake the Indian guy who wasn't very talkative suddenly

got all perky Stay away from here. Rattlesnake. And there it was. Right at the feet of our horse was a rattlesnake. And he was probably, you know, probably a small one. He was probably maybe a year or two old. He wasn't very big. But nonetheless, you know, those snakes, regardless of their size, have poison and venom inside them.

And you don't want to pick one up and start petting it. Oh, look at the cute little baby. Oh, because, you know, everyone loves baby animals. They're like, oh, look at the baby wolverine. Right? So here we were up on our horse, and the rattlesnake was letting his rattle go. He was like, hey, man, what's you doing? I'm sunbathing here, man.

Why you got to run up on three horses and block my son, man? Come on now, I'm in the shade, player. Let's move back. Lean back, horses. Lean back, player. I'm in Miami, Trek. right um so it was kind of exciting it was kind of cool and uh you know it just just added to the whole umbiance of the whole western horseback cowboy thing we were doing and uh you know we hung around

for a bit and then uh it was time to go back and the uh the indian started us back and we uh we went into a gallop a full tilt gallop a trot horses started running and uh it was just great great memory that i had with my buddy reg and uh really fun really cool experience so it's the one and only time i've seen a rattlesnake in the wild but what a grand memory indeed yeah maybe for you play i never got my suntan beaos sorry dude whatever wow way to go harland you get bit right at the end of the podcast

you almost made it through right at the end and you get bit oh you are so close why am I talking to myself what is wrong with me anyways we are at the end I hate to say our little horse ride here on the Harlan Highway

is drawing to a close don't forget the website harlandhighway.com is up and also we have fudge film is up that's my indie movie you can check that out should be available in our store very soon and don't forget stitcher.com it's a free app stitcher you can download it on your phone and listen to the harland highway for free on your phone, whatever type of phone you have, wherever you go. So free is a pretty good deal. And that's what we do here every week. Bring you the Harland Highway for free. It is a pleasurer. Hope you're having a good time. I know I am. Keep your calls and your letters coming, and we'll try and get those on the air as much as possible. And until next time, my friends, don't forget your names.

chicken chalman baby i forgot my name tanya no have a really nice day today folks you deserve it