The Harland Highway - PODCAST 179

Episode Date: October 18, 2010

Russian roulette, chicks and Halloween, I can fly, close but no cigar, voice mail for cheaters, Senior Fuentes. Moo moo moo went the cow! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Right about now. Funk Soul podcast. Right about now. Rock consumers, rock consumers. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Right about now podcast. The hell am I talking about. Um, hey everybody, Harland Williams here. Harland Elizabeth Williams. Yes, my middle name is Elizabeth. Don't ask. Don't tell. What a show we have today. Oh, my God. We have some Russian roulette happening here today. Somebody's going down. We're going to be starting to talk about Halloween as that gets closer and closer. And guess what, folks, I can fly. I'm not even joking.

Without an airplane, I can fly. We're going to start talking about that today. I was flying. You're not going to believe how. You ever hear this saying close but no. cigar we're going to we're going to kind of unravel that little saying a bit um we've got a voicemail coming in um from a poor listener who was cheated on oh my gosh it's it's uh what a story we've all been cheated on so uh this guy called in and spilled his guts and we're going to be analyzing

that and then i don't know why but i believe my gardener's dropping in senor fuentes i don't know why he just doesn't stay in the garden and play with the manure. He must be full of nothing. Now, let's get going. It's time for the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Ropspin. and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy.

Oh, brother. I don't like this. Here we go again. How do they... How are they finding out about this? I don't know how he got in here. All right, so as you know, a lot of people, characters come into my studio.

They challenge me to a game of Russian roulette. which so far I haven't ever lost. I don't know why, but I'm good at it. And now here we are today. Elmore Fudd from the Bugs Bunny cartoons comes in and he wants to challenge me. Are you sure you want to do this? Shh, be very, very quiet.

Be very, very quiet. That's why. How am I going to be very quiet when we're playing with guns? Be very, very quiet. All right. Did you want to do this? Yes, I do. Why?

You know you're going to lose, right? I'm a skilled hunter. I'm not going to lose. Oh, God. Just because you hunt rabbits doesn't mean you're good with Russian roulette. Be very, very quiet. All right. Maybe you will be very, very quiet in a few minutes.

Okay, let's go. here we go let's get the gun out to load it up I guess who's gonna go first why don't I okay here we go mao mao mao mao mao mao mao uh you're done okay but I'm telling you this isn't gonna end well for you I always win I you sure you want to do this you're a beloved Warner Brothers Looney Tune character just shoot you pussy oh okay you can have an attitude with me okay give me the damn thing wow Mao Mao Mao Mao oh wow there you go see no problem back to you bow bow bow bow wow bow uh I win again hey it ain't over yet baldie

Wow Wow Mau Wow Mow Mow Nothing Back to you

Uh I wouldn't be laughing so much If I were you Mow Mow Mow Oh

Oh I I took I tried to tell him Did you not hear me Oh God Okay Elmore P-Fud is now

deceased idiot wouldn't listen to me please don't show up here and challenge me anymore I did not let him in the Russian roulette on the Harland highway idiot boo-hoo do I get you did I frighten you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you. You girls, you girls always, that's your excuse to become a playboy bunny or a sexy vampire or throw on lingerie or the naughty nurse. You're so predictable. Always the same. I think guys are a little more creative when it comes to Halloween.

I know, sexist remark, but I'm just saying you go to any Halloween party, man. The hot girls always throwing on the lingerie. probably wishes that they could dress up like that every night all right you're supposed to be out there scaring people it's Halloween put a costume where you got an axe in your forehead

or you got buck teeth or you got a peg leg I gotta tell you ladies I've never been terrified by a hot nurse in ripped fishnet stockings and streetwalker pumps and big lushes red lipstick painted

lips You know, put a vampire, a werewolf, a Frankenstein, and a cyclops, and a police lineup, and throw in a trashy nurse in ripped lingerie. Guess which one I'm not terrified of? There's only four of them I have nightmares about. The other one, I have other dreams. Okay? Come on, ladies.

It's Halloween, not Victoria's Secret Day. Now be careful about your costumes, man I went out last year, man A big faux pa, almost lost my life Don't do this, I did it Last year I dressed up as a pinata Yeah, a pinata And I went trick-or-treating

Down in the Latino community Oh man did that hurt They beat the three musketeers out of me, man That's like dressing up like Rodney King And going trick-or-treating at the police station that's one of it comes goes from trick or treat to trick or beat be careful trick or treat smell my feet give me a tasty nurse to take on a date on the harland highway okay so here's something cool i got to tell you about that that's a lot of fun okay fun for me

i don't know if it's fun for you or your kids but i'm having fun I'm working on a new movie It's a Disney movie And I play for the first time in my acting career I've been handed the role of the bad guy Usually I play the funny guy The silly guy The goofy guy

You know I've had a few roles Where I've been semi-serious But I've never been that evil villain guy right So Disney asked me to do this movie Where I play this evil warlock And basically in the movie i uh i uh come out of uh this weird uh mirror this this haunted mirror and i come out and i i terrorize a town on halloween and uh it's really cool i mean that this movie they

i look kind of like a cross between jesus and satan i've got the long hair and the robes but I get the big bushy eyebrows and the big goatee and the wizard beard and all that stuff. But what's really cool about it is, you know, in the movie, they've got me flying, okay? And you're probably thinking, oh, yeah, they green screen them in or they, you know, it's a special effect. But no, this is where it gets fun for me, okay? they actually wired me in to a harness and hung a crane about a hundred feet into the sky and hooked me up to this thing and they are flying me all around the city we're shooting in and i got to tell you man it is van fantastic i want to fly now for real i'm like what wait a minute

what so this is what the birds go through they have me doing a scene There's one scene I don't know if you remember in Back to the Future near the end where the professors up on the clock of fixing the wire and trying to get the lightning to hit, you know, right near the end of the movie so that the car can run over the cable and get the electrical charge and he can get back to the future wherever the hell it is. Marty, we've got to get back to the future. Screw that.

Marty, we've got to get to the Army's drive-through. Um, but anyway, so there's a scene just like that where I picture me like at the top of the roof on the town hall and all these little kids come running out of the town hall in their Halloween costumes, right? And I yell at them and they turn and they see me and they start running and then they let me go on the cable and I'm flying down with my cape blowing in the breeze and my boots are like bolted to this long staff with a glowing. light on the end of it and they've got these big fans blowing and they're throwing leaves into the fans so it looks like the wind's blowing and there's leaves blowing everywhere I just got a leaves stuck in my throat there and here I come swooping down and it's one thing that I'm swooping down okay that I'm flying I literally drop from about I don't know 75 feet right down to ground level but what was extra cool is all these kids are running in front of me

and they're screaming and they're looking back and they're looking up and they're like ah and I'm like I'm going to get you and I've got my hands out like I'm casting a spell on them so they look like owl talons or eagle claws and I'm like and I got to tell you a million sensations go through your head like I said one I just wish I could fly it was so cool Okay, just to be floating over things and looking down on things and the weightlessness of flight and not to have an airplane around me with coughing babies and fat people farting and stewardess is telling me how to put on a seatbelt.

And then the other element, which is really fun, was just the whole element of chasing prey. Yeah, that's right. I felt like an owl or a vulture or an eagle coming down. on swooping down on its prey it was just weird that that that instinct of fright or flight kind of or sorry fight fight or flight instinct kicked in you know and it just felt like I was like this predatory raptor coming out of the scott and and these kids were running for their lives and it was kind of a cool sensation so maybe in another life I want to come back as a seagull or a barnyard owl or a sparrow or a heron what the hell am i talking about yeah i want to be in a parking lot beside panned express standing on the dumpster looking for sweet and sour spare ribs the way

seagulls do the hell yeah i want to be standing in a swamp fishing for frogs with my beak as a blue heron okay the hell am i talking about anyways back to the flying what a sensation that's one of the fun things about doing movies you get to do these crazy things that uh you know normally you don't get to do so that that flying feeling was really cool and uh it was kind of fun to play the evil guy so i'll keep you updated on uh on that movie and uh i think it's coming out next september and um i'll get you posted up on on the details, the name of the movie, and all that jazz. But in the meantime, if you're outside, keep looking over your shoulder, because I might just swoop down and get you. Ah!

Ah! Close but no cigar, kid. Close but no cigar. Yeah, guys, I'm talking to you. You know, having a summer flange. or a spring fling or just kind of sowing your wild oats

how many of you guys have gotten right to the gates of heaven and had the door slammed in your face Hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have

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Don't throw your back out You know what I'm talking about You're having a little frolic With your frow line And things are progressing Clothes are coming off Body parts are Doing things that they do

When you're Involved in the rapture And it's It's hot and it's sweaty. And you think you're about to close the deal. And all of a sudden you realize there is no deal. I think I better go now. Excuse me?

I think I better go. Why? I thought we were... No, I'm just thinking about my dog. I didn't feed my dog. I don't care about your dog, okay? We were right in the middle of something here. And I... Yeah, but...

No, I really better go. I'm not feeling it. How could you not feel it? We were just rolling around, sweating and naked, and making it out in the bed, just a second ago. Yeah, but that was then, and this is now, right? Okay, see you later. Yeah, blah, yeah, uh, slam. Oh, good. Oh, ha, ha, ha, not fun, right? And you got to respect a woman.

You can't take it to a place that you're not supposed to take it to. No is no. We all understand that. that. But we are allowed to talk about the frustration of when you do get to that spot and all of a sudden a nuclear reactor has a meltdown. The freezer door slams and all you can hear is the echo and you're standing there with your pogo stick. You don't know what to do with it. And you hear her driving out of your driveway and you're on your knees praying to God going, what did I do wrong, God?

Where did I go wrong? Why did we have to stop? So you ladies out there, if you're listening, don't torture us. Because we don't have the same power over you that you have over us. You know what I mean? Jelly Bean? Okay, good.

There. See what I did for you guys? I took a hit. I groveled. I begged. I did it for you guys So next time you're in the middle of Some torrid midnight fling

Look up into her face Look into her burning passionate eyes And think of me Harlan Williams And if that doesn't end it for it I don't know what will Here on the Harlan Highway All right now here's a story that I know is going to piss you people off.

You can't believe it. I'm watching TV the other night. Oh, no. What are you? Oh, God. Why did I? What are you doing here? Hello, senor.

I'm senor friend. I know who you are. I'm your gardener, signor. Yeah, I hired you, and why do you keep coming in my studio? I don't want you here. But I'm your gardener, signor. Does it look like there's a garden in here? No, signor.

Then why are you here? I have some excellent news, signor. What is it, and then get out of here. Oh, grumpy ass. Hey, watch it. Sorry, signor. What's the news? Some of the harvest came in.

signor, I'm very excited. Okay, what? Well, one of the cucumbers came in and some of the potatoes. Excellent. Good, good. Get out. But, senor, you told me to wash the produce. Yeah, well, it's a garden. I grew the vegetables. I want to eat them. Yeah,

wash them. Oh, I washed them, Signore. Okay, whoopi-do. I scrubbed and scrubbed your cucumber for a very long time, signor. Okay, do you have to... Oh, I... Oh, I scrubbed it up and down, senor. Nice and hard, stop it.

Oh, I've never seen a cucumber get so shiny, senor. Okay, it was glistening in the sunlight, senor, water cascading down the side. Trickling, stop it. Oh, senor, such a big shiny cucumber you have. Don't say my cucumber. Well, whose cucumber is it, senor? It's my cucumber. Well, then, it's a big, shiny, hard to stop it.

get on with it well then i scrubbed your potatoes senor what do you mean two potatoes came in senor only two that's it seor but i scrub them i scrubbed them so hard i almost scrubbed the skin right off your potatoes oh god and then i laid the potatoes right there by your cucumber seor all shiny your cucumber and your freshly scrubbed potatoes stop talking about it are you finished there was one more thing seor okay what one of the mushrooms came in seor one mushroom yes but it was a beauty seor okay did you clean that oh yes signor i scrubbed your mushroom cap so it shined and then i put it right in front of the cucumber and your little potatoes and your little potatoes and stop it Your cucumber potatoes and mushroom cap are glistening in the sunset. Get out of here! Hey, Harlan, it's Jake Bueller from Las Vegas. I was leaving you a message listening on your podcast about cheating exes and our stories. So I'd give you mine. My ex-wife and I were married about four years ago and had a child together.

and shortly after she gave birth, she started going to her little sister's gymnastics lessons, and she wouldn't let me come along. And after a while, I got a little suspicious. So I decided to show up at the gymnastics place, you know, unannounced. And first thing I see is her head is in some gymnastic teacher's lap, and she jumps up out of his lap and walks over to me and grabs my hands. hand pulls me out of the place and she's got this innocent smile on her face like I didn't see

it happen or something she's like wow what are you doing here let's go do something what do you want to do today I'm like are you serious I just saw you with that gymnastics guy and uh it was pretty bad we got in an argument and then she tried to say that I was paranoid and that she needed to be alone for a while and uh you know made me feel real guilty about it and for Some reason I believed her that I was paranoid, she came in my head and, you know, convinced me. And I actually ended up buying her a bunch of clothes the next day to try and make it up to her. What a nap I was. But then I found out about it, you know.

Since then, she's actually signed off parental rights and has nothing to do with my son or myself. And it was just a big mess. But that's my story. So I just want to let you know. All right, bye. Keep up the good podcast, by the way. Oh, God. Don't you hate it? Don't you just hate it? Poor Jake, right? Didn't he sound like a nice guy? I mean, good Lord. It's one thing for the cheating, but you have to do all the lying and the faking and the BS and I think the worst part of it of it all is when the person who's cheating tries to turn it around on you, right?

try to reverse it they they screw with you psychologically they try to make it make you feel like you're the bad person that you're being nosy that you're being uh you know bad and it's horrible it's like this poor guy actually got to the point where he went out and he bought clothes for this girl and she just strung him along strung him along hey you were cheating right no not me I don't know, I saw you making out with that guy Look, why don't you buy me a brand new pair of shoes And a pantsuit And maybe, you know, a brand new handbag

And I'll forget about this whole incident Really? Yes, and throw in a steak dinner And I'm going to let this go this time Oh, okay, sorry I even brought it up Do you need a new car? Yes, I do. Okay

I mean, come on, man you ladies man up if you get busted you know what save everyone the grief save everyone the heartache you two guys if you're cheating just if you're caught red-handed just you know what you got me i'm so sorry i probably hurt your feelings i'm not happy inside obviously something's wrong i shouldn't have done it this way but obviously I'm not with you anymore in mind and spirit and body and soul so let's just end it okay can't you just do that cheaters do you have to do what i wasn't doing anything what no what i was laying down beside that girl she fell what do you mean she fell and her clothes flew off i guess she was missing some buttons i don't know well of course she was on me she had to get on me to get leveraged so she could stand up what yes my pants fell off too when she look let me give you a lesson in

physics okay when a when something heavy hits the ground it creates a tremor effect and it causes vibration so when she fell beside me the vibrations in the ground caused my whole um waistline to vibrate and you can't believe it my pants just like vibrated right down my legs and my underpants blew up I don't I should have bought look that's on me okay I should have bought more expensive underpants they just blew up I mean and then all of a sudden she had to crawl on me and we were naked and what are you doing here anyways what why are you here at the motel 6 and room 12 when I was here checking it out so that when our anniversary came up I was

was gonna surprise you and i was gonna you know have champagne in here and i was gonna give you a little weekend getaway at the motel what right you know what i'm saying it's just like give it up man let it go don't drag it out and put the person you're cheating on through pain and then on top of this the guy had a kid involved and obviously she didn't give a crap i mean you know she signed away the rights to the kid and you know who knows what selfish reason she was involved so jake hey man i am sorry you had to go through that but you know what you sound like you're a young guy at least it happened now at least you didn't have more kids and just go away get on with it and hopefully you find someone nice and if there's some nice ladies out there that like this this is what i'm going to do

for you jake okay because i want you to be better man I like to take care of my listeners. Ladies, if there's any ladies listening to the highway who, you know, are out there and you like the sound of Jake's voice and you think he sounds sincere and nice and a gentleman, you know, leave me a phone message. Leave me a phone message and tell me or tell the message machine that you like Jake. and if i get a good message it seems sincere i'll put it on the air and then we'll get jake phoning back in and then we'll get you phoning back and we'll just play this out on the air and i'll see if i can make a love connection for you and jake okay don't be afraid ladies what do you think jake um i don't know

maybe i'm getting too involved but i just hate seeing people go through that crap so i hope you and your kid are good, Jake, uh, onward and upward and, uh, you folks, if you have any phone calls, any stories about, uh, relationships gone bad, cheaters, liars, ne'er-do-wells, you know what to do. Call me. Go to Harlandwilliams.com and the phone numbers right there at the bottom of the web page. Leave me a voice message and, uh, we'll get you on the air. Who knows what can happen here on the Harland Highway. Who is this? My mother is dead.

Okay, before we go, I don't know if you noticed on that last bit when we were talking about cheaters and liars and all that. Kind of underneath it all, I had a song playing, and, you know, every now and then I like to present you folks with some talented Canadian artists. You know, growing up in Canada, there's a rule in order to help maintain Canadian culture

so that we're not too overwhelmed by cultures around the world and especially the American culture because we share the border. So the Canadian government makes a point of making sure that the arts and music, and film and all that, there is a certain percentage of it that is required to be played throughout the country, throughout the land, which I think is a good idea. You know, sometimes it feels a bit forced, but as any country listening would agree, it's probably good to try and retain as much of your own art, your own culture, etc. So growing up in Canada, we got exposed to a lot of very talented rock and roll bands and part of radio play.

There was a required amount of Canadian content. It was called the Canadian content rule. So for the most part, we got rock music from all over the world, mostly from America. We got, you know, the UK, wherever a good song came out. We got basically the same stuff you'd hear in the good old US of A. But what we also got that the USA didn't get was a lot of, like I said, great Canadian rock and roll songs that most Americans probably have never heard, were never exposed to, never got the chance to hear. And so every now again on my podcast, I kind of like to pop one of those in. I don't own the rights to them.

I don't have the copyright. I'm not looking to make money off them. but every now and then I will pop one in just so you can hear it and get exposed to it and hopefully you go out and, you know, buy the guys download or the girls download or buy their CD or whatever. But during the last segment we were talking about cheating and all that, underneath all of it, I was playing a song by a really talented Canadian kind of blues rocker named Colin James.

And the song I was playing is called Why July, which was very apropos for what we were talking about. And so I thought I'd closed the show today with a little treat and expose you to this very talented guy and hopefully you get turned on to him. And I always love this song. I love the lyrics. I love the sound. I love his voice.

And, you know, I thought it would be a good way to round out the show. So I hope you like it. Here we go as we close out the show. I'll play it in its entirety. Colin James, why do you lie? The very first you'll learn it's true. It's that you shouldn't try to fold the people you're coming. And now you're finally foregone.

I really should have known. If I left you on your old, you wouldn't do like you're supposed to. We'll ride you to lie. Don't want to hear your alibi. Don't want to know the reasons why. You left me here to cry. Well, you were out there loving him And now you're acting real nice

With the sugar and spice You were already thrown the dice Your chances are racing Why do you to lie You're gonna make a correction Because of this deception start to be right We had disgusted

So I was disgusting There's one thing that I got to say All about sleeping in another man's bed Why do you die Oh, baby. The very first show learn it's cool now you shouldn't try to

hold the people you're close to and now you're finally gone I really should know if I left you on your own you want to do like a poster Go ride you to lie

Why do I? Oh, why do you lie? Oh, why do you lie? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Why did you lie? Well, there you go. I hope you liked that. Colin James is his name. Why'd you lie? Quite the hot video. If you go on YouTube, you can watch Colin Tear it up, sing. And good luck to Jake. Thank you for joining me here today on the heart. Highway and I'm not lying. I'm really not. Why did you lie? I'm not.

So we'll be back soon with more hijinks, more crazy hijinks than you can handle. And, uh, you know, folks, I'm not going to lie. Until next time, chicken, chow,

Maine, baby. First thing I see is her head is in some gymnastic teachers. lap. Have a really nice day today folks. You deserve it.