The Harland Highway - PODCAST 180

Episode Date: October 20, 2010

Eating at the movies, eyebrows, charity issues, voicemail, old technology, romantic letters, organic food. Squeeze my pinch face!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I podcast, uh-huh, uh-huh, that's the way uh-huh, uh-huh, I podcast, uh-huh, yeah, right. Wow, that could have been maybe the gayest opening I've ever done to the Harland Highway. But nonetheless, we're here, gay or straight, whatever you are, we're here podcasting, man. That's the way. Okay, enough. And what a podcast we have today for all walks of life. We're going to be talking about plucking your eyebrows. We're going to be talking about organic foods. We're going to be getting into some romance.

We're going to be talking about old technology, stuff that isn't really that old, but yet it's old. We're going to be getting into charities. Do you give money to charity? We're going to be listening to a tragic voicemail from one of our listeners here at the Harland Highway. Maybe you have some words of wisdom. Maybe we'll hook up a love connection. And then we're going to be talking about the movies,

people that do something at the movies that drives us nuts. But I won't drive you nuts. I'm here to make you laugh right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin' and I'm your friend!

Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ah! All! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! All right. It's enough for that.

How many of you men out there? I've heard about this new trend. trend, where dudes are plucking their eyebrows now. Ow! Shaping your eyebrows, the way the ladies do it. Ow! It doesn't feel good. It friggin hurts.

Ah! God! Yeah, guys are starting to shape their eyebrows so that it accentuates their faces and makes them look smooth. smoother and sexier and gives their eyebrow a certain jeanesequois. Ow! I think there's something fun about big old bushy eyebrows, especially on Scottish guys. Looks like they're growing a mustache over their eye. Ah, come on over here and give me eyebrows a kiss.

I got Tom Selleck moustaches over my eyes. I smell like Hawaii. Ow! Yeah, I don't know, man. The only way I'd pluck my eyebrows is if they look like Jack Nicholson's at the end. Because Jack's got those cool eyebrows, right? Give me the bat, Wendy. All I want to do is bash your...

Well, you know how it goes. I think I'll just keep my eyebrows as is. Ow! What's next? Am I going to go out and get a Brazilian? Ow! Harlem Williams eyebrows

here on the Harland Highway. Maybe I'd make a nice Brook Shields. Ow! Okay, so dig this. I met the movies the other night and tell me if this has happened to you, probably.

Why do I always find things to rag about? I'm always finding little oddities that piss me off in life. I hope it don't sound like a crumudgety old man but look if this doesn't bother you then I'll be amazed

and I'll stop like griping about stuff the little things in life but this has to have happened to you and this has to have bothered you. Okay you're sitting in the dark and you're waiting for the movie to start and all of a sudden it starts

right? You're sitting there and it's Maybe it's a horror movie or a love story. It doesn't matter what it is. It's just getting going. The music swells, it dies down. And all you can hear is... right you know what i'm talking about the jackass that sat right beside you and got the giant

popcorn the size of a condo and he decided to share it with his girlfriend so it's in the middle and every time they kind of have to reach over to get it you always get they ruffle that damn bag right and then they're both chewing it's like oh god i swear to god i went to a movie the other night and it must have lasted about three quarters of the way through the movie you know and on top of the ruffling of the bag, the rustling, and the grabbing and the chewing. It's the crunchy. Popcorn's got that crunch. It's not just like, it's not like chewing a, you know, an oatmeal cookie or something where it's soft.

It just, oh, God. It's just unbearable, man. It's weird because you're sitting right beside a stranger, right? even when you go to a restaurant you know there's usually at least two three four five feet between you and the next table you you don't really hear them chewing but in a movie it's dark and you're literally right beside them there's there's no space between you and the uh human vacuum cleaners it next to you oh god so please if you're uh if you're out of the movies you know just have a meal before you come in or have your stomach stapled or put masking tape around your face

or wear a Hannibal Lecter mask on your face just in other words shut your pile you know watch the movie with your eyes leave your mouth at home let me watch my movie in peace so it doesn't sound like I'm sitting in the middle of a field full of grazing sheep yeah he's looking at you Hey, Harlan Williams with you here on the Harland Highway, getting you home. And why, in the name of sweet god, do people go whitewater rafting? Okay, any time you're around water and you have to put a helmet on, isn't that a sign that suddenly the water is dangerous? You know, soft liquid water, we splash around, we dive into it. Suddenly, someone's put you in a gray dingy, and you got a helmet on your head?

Warning, warning. Yeah, something ain't right when you're putting a helmet on around water. Every year these people die, every year people fly out of the boat. And why? For the rush of going down a raging river? Up and down and round and round and the water splashing all over them and the foam. I'll tell you what. You want to do it safer.

Just climb inside your laundry machine. Put it on full spin cycle. Crouch in there. Twirl around for 45 minutes. It's cheaper. You don't need a helmet. And when you come out, you smell nice. You smell like, you know,

Tide or Downey or something. You're very huggable. Just don't do it with red socks on or you'll get your skin will turn all rad. You look like a pink smurf. Okay, but enough about that. On to something more pressing. Okay, a few shows back, I talked about a story that was a true story about a woman. who saved her home and her family and her kids and her dogs from a marauding bear

by throwing a six-pound zucchini at the bear. Okay, that was her defense. She had somehow she had raised or purchased a six-pound zucchini and had it sitting on her counter and thought, what better way to, you know, beat the crap out of a bear than with a zucchini. and it was interesting story because no one wanted to give their name. It was all very hush-hush, and I was like, what the hell is the deal? It's a little town in the middle of the mountains.

Why doesn't anyone want to give their name? And fortunately, one of my listeners called in and cleared it up 100%. Oh my God, I'm so grateful. Take a listen to this phone message. And finally, the Bear Attack zucchini thing, is completely clarified by this listener. Arlin, what's up, dude? It's Brett from Chicago.

Six-pound zucchini, man. Are you kidding me? The reason why they didn't want their names given is because this is obviously a racist super beings. You couldn't, I mean, think about it. If you throw a six-pound zucchini at anything, if you've got a high-speed superhuman strength arm, it's going to hurt.

You could throw a marble in it and it friggin' kill you. You know what I mean? Six pounds, buddy. That's going to knock you out, even if you're a bear. All right, man. Next time in Chicago, look us up. Talk to you later, Rocket, man. You see, now I understand.

Okay, thank you for clearing that up for me. Unbelievable, man. You could throw a marble in it friggin' kill you. Yeah, I know I get that part, but what about the whole throwing the zucchini thing, man? If you throw a six-pound zucchini at anything, if you got a high-speed stew. superhuman strength arm. It's going to hurt. Okay. When you're right, you're right. Six pounds, buddy.

Wow, I can't imagine what that would do to me. That's going to knock you out, even if you're a bear. Man, maybe we've got to talk about this more. All right, man. Next time you're Chicago, look us up. Okay, that explains it. This guy thinks I'm talking about the Chicago Bears, the football team. No, dude, this was a real bear out in the wild. Oh, he's got me all mixed up.

I've got to go and clear my head. Let's get on to another topic right away. Six pounds of teeny, man. Are you kidding me? Money, money, money, money, money, money, money. All right, so the U.S. of A, okay, the rest of the world calls us names and puts us down. and thinks were a bunch of bums

but listen to this the USA last year gave $300 billion to charity I'm not talking millions people billion $300 billion to charity

that is what you call a generosity okay so next time you hear someone put down the old US of A stop them and say Ah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

300 billion there, sucker. I don't think other countries are giving away 300 billion in charity, but then again, okay, let's call a spade a spade the U.S. is the richest country in the world. So maybe, you know, it all works out, but still, people don't always like to part with their money.

just because they're wealthy. And the fact that they do is a statement. What did you give? Did you give anything to charity? Should you be giving anything to charity? I'm not trying to guilt you out. Just a question. There's people out there that might not be as fortunate as you.

Something to think about. Not really funny. Not really crazy. Just a thought. Maybe spray it a little good in the world. As you're driving down the Harlan Highway, throw some bills out the window. You never know who's going to need them. Have a really nice day today, folks.

You deserve it. Are you like me, though, sometimes, and I hate to be skeptical, but I'm going to be skeptical. Sometimes you worry about where the money's going to. Who's really getting the money? You know, you make a donation to some place and you find out that, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, the guy running the charity lives in a and drives a Roll Royce and you hear other horror stories about, you know, the money never getting to where it needs to go and how do you really find out?

Well, you know, if you are donating to a charity, just do your research. You can go online, you can phone charities, you can get information on charities, just make sure that your charity is legit and that the money's gone where you, uh, that the money's gone where you hope it's supposed to go. Just watch out for scammers. There's a lot of scammers out there that, you know, every time there's a tragedy, you know, you get these fake people online

or knocking on your door or whatever. You know, they're saying, oh, we're raising money for Katrina, or we're raising money for Haiti, or we're here for the Red Cross, and, you know, there's a lot of, unfortunately, people out there that would take advantage.

of a horrible situation and play and pray upon people's good nature, upon people's generosity, and scam them out of money so they can, you know, do who knows what with, you know. They say they're there to help, you know, feed the destitute and cut to them, you know, taking that money and they end up in Vegas, you know, playing craps and eating steak and lobster. so just be aware be on top of it do a little research and uh you know if you can make a difference if you can help do so and if you can't if you can't help you know with money you can always help by giving your time donating your time or giving to a charitable cause or helping a charitable cause um and uh that's something i try to do every year i try to do every year i try to

I try to do shows, free shows, that raise money for, you know, I've done shows for battered women, battered women organizations, I've done shows for underprivileged children, I've done shows for cancer, I've done shows for, you know, people that have been injured, people that have lost their homes, all kinds of things. So it feels good, and it's a nice thing to do. And I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but every now and then we all need a little help. So if you can, reach out and help.

And I'm hoping that this podcast is helping you have a few laughs. And maybe I should get off this seriousness of all this charity stuff and get back to the free laughs. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. What should I say? Faxes to faxes, dust to dust. Yeah, I had a funeral at my house the other day, people. And this is kind of a weird sign of the times.

Remember when the days were that every house had to have a fax machine? If you had a home office, you had to have a fax machine, right? People could fax you stuff, important documents to be signed, blah, blah, blah. Have you noticed you don't use your fax machine anymore? Now that we all have home computers, laptop computers, right? Now all the files are sent to our emails, and we just print our emails. It's rare. I haven't faxed in you.

years. People used to fax me things to read and documents to look at and scripts to go over. Not anymore, man. Just shoot it to my email. I've used my fax machine maybe twice in the last year. And finally my old fax machine broke down like a dear old dog. It just kind of stopped working. The paper feed wasn't working. So I was like, oh, I'd better get a new fax machine and then I was like, wait a minute, I don't really use my fax machine anymore. And so as we speak, my dear old fax machine is sitting out at the curb, waiting to be taken away to the garbage dump. And it's kind of sad. It's like an old friend. I feel like I should have a funeral, maybe bury my fax machine in the yard. Be like Stephen King's Pet Cemetery. I'll have a technology cemetery in my yard

and when I die I'll be buried there with all my machines and they'll give me life I'll be like a walking technology guy my poor little fax machine you've had a good life it's been nice knowing you when you get to the garbage dump

be sure to fax me My dearest Sarah, I can't believe fall is here so soon. It seems like just yesterday when we were running through the fields of Heather, skipping and laughing, and now farmers are burning leaves in the fields in the fields, and as we stand around them, I remember the time. when you and I stood by a burning pile of leaves, out by the Wechester Farms, and you tripped and fell into the leaves, your ruffled dress catching fire immediately, and your curled hair lighting up like old stacks of hay. I'll never forget as we've pulled you from the flames and rolled you down the hill, splashed into the pond,

and your skin so burnt that you can barely make yourself swim. Excuse me! Excuse me! Yes. What the hell are you doing? I'm reading a romantic letter. If you mind?

Yes, I mind. That's sick. I'm sorry you don't understand romance. Now, if you'll excuse me, I remember as summer roll. around and we walked down the lane, your arms and shoulders exposed with your burn marks and scabs. A flock of wild turkey pigeons noticed you from the treetops and flocked down thinking your arms were giant seeds and they started pecking away at your flesh, skinning you alive while you scream. Excuse me! Yes. What in the hell is this? I'm trying to read a romantic letter

if you don't mind. Dude, that is about as romantic as a train rack. That sounds lovely. What? Do you mind if I finish? Yes, I do mind. Now, get out of here. I'll never forget as winter rolled around,

and we were sitting on the front porch you with your mink muff and your seal-skin mittens. We sat on the porch and watched the children play and frolic in snow, making snow angels as the snow drifted down from the skies above.

Little did we know there were giant icicles hanging from the edge of the roof just above us and three of them snapped off all at once, two of them piercing your legs and the third one

going right through your skull and out your open mouth, your nose pouring blood. Excuse me! Do you mind? Stop it! The icicle went right through your lower jaw And your tongue was pierced

Get out of here These are not romantic letters dude I'm sorry Just disgusting Finally the snow was melted And spring came along And I'll never forget When you stepped on a landmine

That had been left behind from World War II And your legs blew up into the sky And landed in a bird's nest Get out of here! Unbelievable. An owl started picking the flesh from your white little bones and out! Hey, it's Harland Williams with you here on the Harland Highway, and how many you find folks eat organic?

You know, the farm-grown stuff with no pesticides, no chemicals, no MSG, no nothing, no flavor. I've tried it, man. You know, I've tried to go to Whole Foods or, you know, the local farmer's market and, you know, no junk in my food routine. And it's good. It tastes yummy. It's not bad, but I don't know. You get into, like, the packaged person. products, like the cookies and the cereals, the candies.

You know, the stuff that requires tons and tons of sugar and chemicals and fake food coloring? You know the stuff. I don't know, man. I've tried the organic cookies and the organic cereal. They ain't no Oreos, and they ain't no lucky charms. I'll tell you that, man. Hmm, look at this chocolate chip cookie Totally organic Looks like a normal chocolate chip cookie Look at all the chunks of chocolate

Look at the doughy texture Let me put it in my mouth Oh, it tastes like I'm eating an earplug Gross Oh look at this breakfast cereal Oh look at the funny box It's all full of colors And I'll pour it in

It looks a little weird I'll eat it and Mmm Tis like I'm I'm eating foam chips from a pillow. I don't know, man. I'm all for people being healthy, eating healthy, but you know what?

Back a dump truck into my cereal box and dump a load of sugar. Soak my cookies and MSG. Marinate them in chemicals. Do whatever you have to do, man. Because I got to have my junk in my food. That's why they call it junk food. Maybe someday when I pack up and retire and go live on a farm,

I'll wander out the front door and eat a turn up, gobble down an ear of corn, chew some raw sugar cane. But until then, I'm sorry, man. Organic this. I want my junk. Right? The junk, we need it? I mean, I don't know.

Do we? I don't know. You think back. there was a time in history when like think back to the the 20s or the 30s when uh you know getting junk was like a real treat you know maybe you'd go to a carnival or down to a beach or a boardwalk and maybe there'd be someone with candy floss or the odd little item it wasn't like it is now whether there's literally junk about every if you want junk and you live in a city or even in the suburbs you can probably get junk about every hundred feet if you look hard enough right there's a

7-11 or a drive-through or a fast food joint or a convenience store or a vending machine or something you never have to go far imagine you remember cavemen way back in the day the hunters and the gatherers remember they remember like you were there okay well think back history Historically, I don't think you were there, but, I mean, historically, those roaming tribes of nomads, you know, these guys would walk, these guys could walk seven, eight days before they even found like a squirrel leg to chew on or something, right? Or they'd climb up the edge of a mountain to find a nest full of eggs or something like that, you know? and here's us we can pick up a phone and have it delivered we can we can drive to go get it we can go to 400 different places at once good lord um so yeah interesting times we live in here people oh well speaking of times or should i say time oh we are out of time oh we are out of

Out of it. We are all out of time, man. Can I just buy a little more time? Sorry, man. We are all out of time. Oh, God. Well, why when you have more time? I don't know.

You come back tomorrow, man. If we have time, we'll sell you some of that shit. Okay. Yeah, we are out of time. Podcast is drawing to a close. Hope you had a great time. Don't forget you can hear the podcast on Stitcher. You can go to Stitcher.com and download a free app.

And you can listen to the Harland Highway on any of your phone devices, your mobile phone devices. Don't forget to check out Harlandhighway.com and also fudgyfilm.com. And of course, Harlandwilliams.com. If you want to leave me a phone message or write me an email, I would love to hear from you, my fine, funny little furry friends. That noise was a furry little friend. All right, enough.

I'm yours. Hey. So there you go. Hope you had a great time. We will catch you next time on the rebound. Until then, keep it organic. Yeah, right. Right here on the Harland Highway and Chicken Chow Main, baby.

What is that? Nothing, that's nothing. There was nothing. Why can't I see? My blanket, my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.