The Harland Highway - PODCAST 181

Episode Date: October 22, 2010

BBQ Eddy, more owl stuff, lawsuits, no, Dr. Ascot hate voicemail, and then of course, Dr. Ascot. Silver slumber dogs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sharif don't mind rock the podcast, rock the podcast, Cherie don't mind. Okay, okay, yes, we will rock this podcast. And how could we not? We've got Barbecue Eddie here today, looking for friendship, looking to party. Once again, I'm going to be talking about owls. I had a very cool encounter with an owl.

Yes, I physically had an encounter. with the world's biggest owl. Oh, unbelievable. We're going to be talking about frivolous lawsuits. God, there's so many of them here in the U.S. of A. This one is a real winner, a real humdinger. And then what part of no, don't you understand? Excuse me?

Yeah, what part of no, don't you understand? Well, we're going to help you clarify that statement, and help you figure out the meaning of no and how you can understand it better. And then later on, wow, we have a guy that rips me a new one. There is a listener, and I don't know why he listens. Wow, but this guy just hates me, and he hates Dr. Ascot. I mean, I hate Dr. Ascott, but this guy's got some venom in him.

He hates, whoa, he wants me and that. Ascot removed, taken out. So I figured the only way to counteract that is to actually, you know, it's Friday, have Dr. Ascott by. So it's loaded heavy with Ascot today, man. And we are going to have some therapy, and we are going to learn how to laugh. What part of podcast, don't you understand? It's the Harlan Highway! You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut some mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Ooh, I've got some exciting news today.

Listen to this. Okay, I'm working on this new movie. It's a Disney movie, right? I have the lead in this movie, and in this movie I play an evil warlock, and I live in this giant mansion, and I've got all these crazy things around me. I've got snakes and bottles and skeletons and all kinds of warlock-type things. And, you know, Disney, when they do a movie, they never scrimp, man. I mean, the sets on this film look.

incredible um so here i am in my haunted mansion i'm wearing this long robe i've got rings i've got long hair like jesus i've got a beard i've got a mustache i've got an emulet around my neck and my sidekick in my mansion and throughout the movie is an owl okay and when i signed on for the movie i thought oh they're going to have like a fake owl or a stuffed owl or what have you wrong um what they did is they gave me a giant real owl uh it's called a eurasian eagle owl and i guess they are the biggest owls in the world and uh you can't you can't even believe how stunningly beautiful this creature is this bird um the things mesmerizing i mean i'm literally standing right beside it about two feet away for you know all the scenes we have together and uh its eyes are about the

size of uh you know silver dollars and uh its claws are bigger than you can imagine i mean this thing has claws longer than a bear um and its beak and its feathers the way the whole animals put together is just stunning but what's really cool is I had to train with this owl. And by the way, if you're wondering if you've seen this owl before, it's the same owl, the same trainers who did the Harry Potter movie. So it's a great owl, man. It's a proven blockbuster movie owl, right?

So there's a scene where the owl has to fly and land on me. And it's got these incredible long, curved claws and this sharp beat. and these claws aren't for kidding around. The talons on this thing are, they curve, but I would bet they're three to four inches long. And the muscles in an owl's talons, the owl was sitting on his arm, and he told me, he goes,

grab the back talon of the owl and try and pull it. Just try and move it. And I said, okay, no problem. I'm like a 100, a 210-pound man versus a two-pound owl. So I grab the back towel and then I am pulling as hard as I can and I can't even budge it. It was, it's crazy. So anyways, I got to stand there and this owl's got to fly and land on me. I'm out on my arm.

I've got a big leather glove on my arm and the owl lands on me. And I can't tell you how cool that is to have a, you know, what is normally a wild animal, a predator, a voracious hunter, and here it is flying through the air and landing on me. And what really threw me off is owl, you know, this thing looks really big. And when it's sitting on it's perched, it sits about, I don't know, maybe two, three feet high and it's pretty wide and it has some girth. and I thought, I bet that thing weighs about 60 pounds, right? So the thing flies, and I'm expecting my arm to, like, buckle down under the weight

and be, like, be, like, a strain to hold it. Like, you ever hold a phone book with an outstretched arm in one hand? It's like, the first few seconds are like, okay, and then it's like, wait a minute, oh, God, and your arm starts sinking, so I thought, this is what will happen with my giant Harry Potter owl. Who, ho, ho, ho! So I got my arm out, and I'm bracing, and the owl comes in, and he lands, and he misses the glove. Okay, and he lands on my flesh. He lands on my upper arm instead of my forearm, and I'm like, oh, no, here comes the pain.

But this owl was very gentle. I guess he knew that, you know, that he was landing on some living tissue or something, or a podcast host. I don't know. and he didn't squeeze. He just landed and gently his talons were on my bicep on the top of my forearm. And I was like, please don't squeeze. Because this thing could put its claws right through you, believe me. And to my surprise, this thing was light as all hell.

I mean, I barely felt it. And I said to the trainer, I said, what the hell is it? Why is this thing so light? And he goes, it's a bird, it's an owl. it's all it's it's it's bones are hollow it's it's all feathers it's got something like 25,000 feathers or something like that and that's the way they're designed and of course it's it's a bird it's aerodynamic it's got to be light it's got to be able to fly and i was totally surprised it's like you ever you ever go bowling and you go you go for a bowling ball and they have

they have girls bowling balls or kids bowling balls and they're really light but you don't know that you go to pick one up and you're like oh i'm going to get a strike with it and you're going to pick up a bowling ball and you're like whoop you're like wait a minute this thing feels like it's full of air versus the normal bowling balls which are really heavy and awkward well that's what this owl was like it was surprisingly light and of course because it was a bird Um, so anyways, I can't tell you what a thrill it was, how exciting it was, to have, uh, an owl, uh, on me, playing with me, uh, perching on me. Hey, man, you ever have an owl perch on you, man? No, man, how much does that cost?

Well, uh, we'll, we'll get back to you. Oh, okay, man. Huh, ho, ho, ho. Um, so that was my little experience. and then in the upcoming days, I'm going to be working with the monkey. Yeah, I have a monkey in this movie, too. It's the monkey that you saw in Night at the Museum. The one that slapped Ben Stiller around, like a dirty bed sheet.

Remember that little monkey in Night at the Museum? So that guy's going to be on set, and I'm going to be doing some scenes with him. And what a fun little role I've stumbled on here. Tell you more about it in the days, months to come. This movie's not coming out until next September. It's a Halloween-style movie. But, man, if you ever get a chance to play with an owl, go for it. Yep, yours, too.

This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello. Hey, man, what's up? What? What's up, dude? Boy. Hey, you want to grab a couple of beers or what?

What do, do, do, do? Maybe throw a couple of burgers on the barbecue? What the hell? I'm going to sue your ass. There's a lot of people in this country that create these frivolous lawsuits. Here's the latest that I can't believe. Some woman, somewhere in America, is suing starburst.

You know the little candies, those chewy little squares? You put in your mouth, and they make your mouth all puck her up. Starburst at the watermelon time. Some lady's suing starburst because she claims the candies got her teeth stuck together. What the hell? Do you not know how to chew lady? Do you not know how to suck? How do you make that lawsuit?

Your teeth are stuck together. You pick up the phone. You call Starburst. Hi, Starburst. Hello? Yeah, I know. My teeth are stuck together. Hello?

You're going to have to speak up, ma'am. You're going to seal your ass. My teeth are stuck together. We can't eat or get talking. We got to serve starburst. Uh, I'm sorry. Can I put you over to our Spanish department, our Chinese department? What?

I'm sorry, you're going to have to call back. You're going to have to call back. Click. What a moron. People suing for the dumbest reasons, man. I'd like to stick their ass to an airplane with Starburst and send them off to another country. Where nobody gives a crap. You think in communist China they care if you get your teeth stuck together with starburst?

No. Uh, yeah, my wife got her teeth stuck together with starburst. Oh, really? Okay. Uh, when can we show up to shoot her? Ah, no, I was just kidding. She didn't really get her teeth stuck. Oh, we didn't think so. Yeah, no.

Okay, thanks. Have a good day. Oh, brother. Well, keep a rate here, or we might have to sue you for not listening to the Harland Highway. Ah, shut up. Shut up. What part of no, don't you understand? Um, you ever have someone say that to you?

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You know, you're getting an argument with someone or you have a disagreement or you want something and the other person doesn't. and the other person puts their hand up and goes um what part of no don't you understand okay and i always just want to like go for them right when they say that when they go what part of no don't you understand i'll say like well i understand the n you know but that oh part the o is i i've never gotten that because it looks like a zero right so it's always confused me so i wasn't sure if it was n plus o or n plus zero so i guess the only part of no i don't understand is the oh ass bite um because think of it no is such a short little word so how many parts are there you can't understand it's either the n or the oh you got to pick one you have a 50 50 chance of not

understanding part of it or half of it right so next time someone pulls that on you what part of no don't you understand uh let's see man uh can you really um that end man the end right at the beginning the end part could you help me figure that out like i'm serious can we go get a coffee or something and sit down and i got to work on this maybe i got to go to devry and figure out how the end works and believe me honestly my goal is to one day fully understand no but right now i just don't get the whole thing so i'm glad you said that it's something we needed to talk about okay we needed to pull this out into the open and why am i doing this really annoying voice oh god what part of that annoying voice do you

understand how about stop it no no i won't stop it oh you won't no well what point what part of No, don't you understand? Well, let me tell you again. I don't understand the end part. All right, shut up. Part of shut up, don't you understand? Well, I don't get the shut part. What about the up part?

Shut up. So there you go. No is not that complicated. If you need to take a course or enroll in a class or something to understand, no, please do it. So the next time someone says, what part of no, don't you understand? You can be totally prepared, totally educated, and go, oh, listen, hey, I get the whole thing.

I understand no, real clearly. My big concern here is, what part of up yours don't you understand? Hello! Oh, she tells you, I love you. Just remember she said that to me. Oh, don't take her to break my arms. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, don't need you now for a life. Who lives to me?

Uh-oh. I just got a call from one of my listeners, and I guess some guy just isn't happy with what I'm doing here at the Harland Highway. You got to hear this guy. Maybe this guy needs therapy or anger management or something. Check it out. Okay, I'm just about a way to barful my window. You're so freaking lame with your doctor sketch.

My God, that is not funny. When is your contract up or skip your next therapy and get to think slip or something? Dude, you just break my eardrums, and I don't know why I keep giving your show a chance. Just that's coming out your mouth. It's just, it's crap. And I'm going to keep calling you until you're off the fuck. There you, loser. Wow.

Wow. That guy really got to me. I mean, here I am on the air doing therapy with Dr. Ascot every Friday, and I think I'm okay. And then a guy like that comes on and reams me a new one. And it makes me think maybe everything isn't all right. But then, I realize every cloud has a silver lining that this guy, in order. to be griping about my show must be listening to my show every day

he says he keeps giving it a chance right so somehow he's having some kind of passive aggressive reverse psychology reaction and he's telling himself he doesn't like it but yet he's addicted to it and he needs it and he wants it and he needs me so you see buddy

I'm helping you keep your life together I'm the reason you keep going my comedy my show my bits or what puts a smile on your face day in and day out oh I feel good that I can do that for you you're welcome my friend

you are very welcome maybe I'll talk to Dr. Ascott about you this coming week keep on listening baby because I know you love me that I love you, too. Hello! When is your contract up?

That's it. Keep venting. You'll start to feel better. I don't know why I keep giving your show a chance. Because you know it's what you need to make you right. It's just, it's crap. That's it. Come on. Let it out. Let it out. Let it out. You're going to be better. Tell yourself, you're going to be better.

Just get it out. Get angry. Get mad. Your anger is actually your love. Show me some lungs. I'm going to keep you. calling you until you're off the fuck there you loser that a boy there you go glad i could help that's what i do heal here on the healing harland highway oh god who well that's what i love about doing this show you know you get people who love it people who hate it you just got to roll with it i just keep on motoring along and I'm hoping that there's more of you out there that like it

and have a livid hatred for it the way that guy does. But I think the only thing to do is, you know, to get healing, to try and find a solution to the Dr. Ascot problem is get them on here. It's Friday. Look, I don't like the guy any more than that guy did. I'm sure you all hate him too. I can't stand this.

moron but it's a job requirement i don't have a choice if they don't think i'm psychologically fit to do this uh this show the harlan highway i'm going to get my walking paper so i'm up against a wall here people and i understand your frustration and your hatred because i have it too so let's go it's friday oh god this guy's creepy all on uh oh well you are i just don't like you holland what are we doing today ascot halland watch your tone holland i don't have a tone just let's get this over with it's pathetic holland what are we doing holland today we are going to dip you in some healing waters you're going to dip me in some healing waters what are you talking about ascot Arland, when we are young, many of us are baptized in the water.

And waters help wash away all of the things that attach us to everyday life. Oh, come on, man. You mean like a cleansing? Exactly, Arland. Arland, I want you to dip your head backwards into this bowl of lavender mint water. Lavender mint water? Yes, Arland, it's very cleansing. Oh, God, do it, Holland. Oh, brother.

Okay, let's get this over. Here I go. Holland. What? I want you to take your shirt off first. What are you talking about? Holland, if you're going to get clean, you must be completely naked.

Wait a minute, you just said my shirt. And now I've changed it to everything, Holland. Oh, no, no, no, no, ask God. Holland, you will get the pink slip. If I don't get to see your pants. pink. Oh, that was just creepy. Holland.

All right, I'm getting naked. Here we go. Getting his stuff off. This is disgusting. Don't look at me, please. Okay, I'm going to dip my head into the fluorescent mint water.

Holland, don't make fun of it. I'm dipping, okay? There, Arlen, don't you feel cleansed? No. No, I don't feel cleansed, Ascot. I feel dirtier. I'm standing here, dripping wet, naked, in my office with the door closed. Well, you, a mid-life, creepy old dude, sits here and stares at me.

Holland. Well, it's true. I'm very uncomfortable. Holland, tell me how clean. you feel. I don't feel clean. Well, then let's do it again, Holland. Oh, you know what? I feel very clean. Everything's

clean, and oh, what a new perspective I have. Everything's just so dandy. All right, Holland, put your clothes on. Yes, thank you. I think I will. Can I help you? Now, don't touch me. Holland, you smell

like a rose petal. Stuck, get away from me. Oh, Arlen, you smell very rosy with a touch of mint. Stop it. You're like a mint rose chocolate chip ice cream, Harlem. Can I lick your shoulder? Get out of here, you freak.

Just give me one little lick. Get out. It's like I'm a Baskin Robbins and I'm a five-year-old schoolboy again. Get out of here, you freak. You want to go to Baskin Robbins with me, Holland. Get out of here. We'll see you next week, folks.

Have a great weekend. I'm going to go run through a carwomen. Wash. Can I watch Holland? Get out of here! Island Williams. Hello. Hey, what's up, man? What's what?

You want to go grab a couple of beers or what? Who's us? It's Eddie, man. Eddie? Go crack a couple of Budwisers, throw on the barbecue, dude. Here, buddy. Awesome. What time can I pick you up? I got Budwisers. I got some ribs.

Court on the cob, dude, let's party. What the hell? What else you want to do? You want to shoot some pool or what? Yeah, I'll shoot some pool with you. What time can I roll by, dude? What, like 10 o'clock? Maybe 11.30.

I'll see you then, buddy. All right, man. Awesome. See you later, Niddleman. That was Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Williams. Odo, do, do, do.

Yep, Odo-do, do-do. Don't know what that meant, but, oh, do-do-do, do I appreciate it. Okay, well, I guess we're at the end of the show. Like I said earlier, have a great weekend. Hope you had a good time here on the old Harland Highway EO. Oh, do, do, do. be sure to listen to us on Stitcher you can get a free app for your phone

your iPhone your phantom your humdinger your zing winger your gingle gangle you're I don't know what phones are called these days can make up any name and it's a phone your whistle woggler your new cactus whistlewoggleer from iPhone I don't know

and you can listen Listen to the Harland Highway on your phone for free, wherever you are. Don't forget to check out the website, harlandhighway.com, and also fudgefilm.com, and also Harlandwiliams.com, where you can send me your emails, you can leave me phone messages, and as you heard, if I like them, I put them on the air. So if you want to hear yourself on the highway, call me. And ladies, don't be afraid to call. We get a lot of the boys calling.

Love to hear from the female side of the road of the highway. So don't hesitate. Call. You can leave a funny message, a sexy message, a provocative message, a teasing message, a teasing message, a teasing message, a stupid message, a smart message, a bitchy message, a. friendly message whatever you want ladies i'm here for you too um and uh thanks for joining folks love having you here uh be well be smell and until next time chicken chow maine baby have a really nice day today folks you deserve it