The Harland Highway - PODCAST 182

Episode Date: October 25, 2010

Interview with my cousin Kevin, polls and pollsters, Russian roulette, call waiting, Halloween treats, Senior Fuentes, Quick tips, nicknames. Sweet tiddly winkles!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, and I'm wanted, wanted podcast or a live. Oh, yeah. Yeah, podcast or a live. How about a live podcast? That's where we are right now. We are on a live podcast right here. You're on the Harland Highway. How you doing, folks?

Harland Williams here. with you hope you're having a great day glad you're here with us we got a ton of stuff going on today uh we got a we got a gripe with the call waiting thing we're going to be going through that we're going to be talking about what do you give out on Halloween are you a miser or do you give out the good stuff uh also on the same note dracula's castle is up for sale the real dracula so we'll be talking about that we'll be having a little chit chat with my cousin Kevin who drops by the studio for a visit um we're going to be talking about polls who takes poles and what do they really mean we're going to be talking about your nicknames when you're in the

sack we're going to be playing some Russian roulette here in the studio with some kind of Halloween monster we got quick tips we got all kinds of stuff oh i'm almost out of breath but i'm not out of time because we're just getting started right here on the harland highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Romp Spin and I'm your friend

Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Hey everybody, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, wait a minute. I got a call waiting coming through. I'm going to have to flip you over. Hang on, enjoy the Muzak. Okay, we're back. Sorry about that. I had to take another call. Hang on a second. Another call coming through. Hold on. Okay, we're back. We're back. There you go. How about that? Call waiting. You're on a call with someone. You're just about to tell them. It's, you know, this deep personal story. It's like, yeah, man. Me and Clarissa, we were right there. We were sitting in the car on the edge of the cliff. And I looked at it right in the eyes. And I said, Clarissa.

Hey, can you hang on a second, Jim? What do you mean? another call coming in. I was just about to tell you about Clarissa. Yeah, hang on a sec. Just hang in there like a jackass. Then they come back on. Yeah, sorry, Jim. What's up?

Who the hell was that? Oh, that was my plumber, told me that he found a hair clog in my sink. And, you know, he's going to have to put some chemicals out there. And he started pulling it out. And there's all these big, long strands of hair and pubic hair and scalp. flakes and stuff. So anyways, what were you saying? You were looking at Clarissa in the eyes and what happened? Uh, you know what, man? Nothing. Me and Clarissa, I gotta go. Or how about the other way? When you're on the phone with someone, right? You're talking to your

buddy. It's like, okay, man, we're gonna go up to the cottage this weekend. We're gonna, hold on a second, man. Yeah. Oh, hey, Jim. Uh, listen, man, I'm on the other line. Can I, oh, really? Yeah, your dog? Oh, really? He jumped up and got the frisbee? Oh, that's great, man. Listen, I'm on a real important call on the other line. I'm planning a funeral for my... What? Oh, really? You're going to paint your garage? Yeah, that's great. Listen, what color? Oh, that's a nice color. Yeah, that fall color. Yeah. Listen, I'm on the other line. I'm, I got to plan a funeral for my father just died. Really? Oh, you and Janelle are going over to the grocery store? Oh, yeah, they do have great, great meats over there.

Yeah. Bakery department. Yeah, really good. So I got to jump, but if it just goes on and on and on, some idiot doesn't get it, you got to get on to another call. Oh, brother. Call waiting. I don't know if we should have got that one or not, man.

How about call annoying? Can we call it that? Just be real about it? Yeah, call annoying. Oh, hang on. I'm getting beep. This is a Harland Highway. Okay, flip me over. What, are you still here? Can you come back in a few minutes? Thanks. Oh, brother. So here we go. It's almost Halloween. It's just around the corner.

And I guess some Halloween freak mutant wants to challenge me to a game of a Russian roulette, which I never, ever seem to lose. I don't know why. I don't know why these celebrities keep showing up at my studio to challenge me. So here we go. Mr. Scary Halloween guy, I guess. Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th is here with his goalie mask. I mean, do you even speak English, dude? Oh, great.

So how do you want to do this? Who wants to go first? You want to go first? Fine. You go first. Let's see what happens. Let's load the gun up here. Let's get it ready. All right. You ready? Okay, here we go. Mao! Mau! Mao! Yeah, okay. You won that round. It ain't over yet. My turn. Give me the gun.

There you go. See, I never lose. Back to you. Bow. Bow. Yeah, okay. Back to me. I'm telling you, I never lose, Forhees. Even with a goalie mask on, it's not going to help you. Whatever. I don't know what you just said there, but up yours too. That's what you said. Just here I go.

the thing. See, nothing. See what? You can just go. We don't have to finish this. Because you know you're going to lose, right? What the hell are you saying? Can you take the goalie mask off?

All right, just shut up. Go. Ready? Yeah, put it up to your head. Mau! Mau! Mao! Oh!

Oh, Vorhees! Oh, God. Well, I told him not to come in. There you go. Jason Vorhees from Friday the 13th. Dead. Be one less freak out there on Halloween. Thanks to the Russian roulette right here on the Harlan Highway.

God, what an idiot. I do like that goalie mask, though. Could someone please tell me where the pollers are? And I don't mean the Polish people. I don't mean the pole vaulters. I want to know where the people are that get polled for everything. Because some of you people should get polled, if you know what I mean. Pulled right up the old, hello.

And here's why I'm freaking out about this, okay? You ever notice when you read USA Today or the newspaper that's in your city and they do a stupid poll about, you know, 87% of Americans don't like Obama. 29% of Americans love Sarah Palin. 86% of all Americans would not buy a new home. You know, all these polls, you see them on the news, you see them on news shows, you see them everywhere you look. right and I always think God those are a little drastic a lot of those numbers and then there's always a little disclaimer down at the bottom

where if you read the fine print it said poll based on 2,000 people polled and you're like wait a minute what 2,000 people we live in a country of over 300 million and you're basing this stuff on what 2,000 people said Who are these 2,000 people? If you're one of them, I want you to call me and tell me how you got contacted, how you got to be one of the poll people.

I don't even know what your term is a polly, a poller, polio. Do you have to have polio to be polled? I don't know. Do you have to play polo? I don't know. I don't know what the requirements are. But just the fact that 200 people are 2,000 people are representing the cross-section of America is a little startling to me. I mean, did they find these 2,000 people at a casino, you know, people busy gambling, and some guy walks up,

excuse me, ma'am, what do you think of President Obama? Not now I'm playing the slot machines. Get out. He sucks. Get out of here. you know versus some guy laying by a swimming pools

got all day to talk excuse me sir what do you think of Sarah Palin oh she's hot man I really oh I'd like to see her in fish nets I'll take that as a yes sir your approval you approve of her oh yeah now could you put some lotion

on my back I've got to go sir I'm a polar a what a polar so I don't no are they getting these people in groups are they sitting in a conference room do they get them once they're walking down the street does the valet parker poll them are they going into poor neighborhoods rich neighborhoods i don't know what's what's the cross section what's what are these uh these poll people um how are they indicative of the uh of the way america's feeling

Right. So I'm a little confused. I don't know if I believe all the polls until I have more information. So what I want to do is poll you listeners and see if any of you are people who have been polled. So I can only have 2,000 of you respond to this, though. So after that, you don't even bother. Well, how will you know if you're in the 2000? Well, don't worry. We'll take a poll and find out. But until then, I'll be in Poland, getting a cure for my polio as I train for my pole vaulting in the 2003 million Olympics.

I'm an idiot. Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, look who's here. Here. My cousin Kevin is here, everybody. Hi, Har. You're in a band called The Bare Naked Ladies. Yep.

Keyboard player, extraordinaire, accordion player. Guitar. You've been hanging around for the last week. It's good to have you here, man. Thanks. Nice to be here. You've been out on the dating scene before. What's the worst experience you've ever had with a girl?

Oh, my gosh. Like making out with her or anything weird happened in the middle of a makeout? I had cops come up on a window once. I was in a car going at it, half naked, all of a sudden a flashlight, and a cop. Reminded me of that scene in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex comes down and that big eyes looking in the window. Oh, no. That's what it felt like, man. I was in Scotland once and I was about to, you know, get down and have some nice, fun, intimate fun with my girlfriend there.

And for some reason, she decided to eat chicken liver. liver patte. Oh, come on. Yeah, just like as a snack. Oh. And I just couldn't kiss her after that. I was like, why did you eat chicken liver patte? Did you ever like, while you were kissing her accidentally think you're at the wrong end? Nice. That's a real thing. Come on, dude. Thanks. I feel queasy myself. I was going to go to KFC for lunch, but, and then I was thinking of McDonald's, but. Now I'm thinking of the Scottish angle, forget it. So did you ever, like, make out with her again, or was that it? I think that was it. Scottish girls are a little gnarly, aren't they? Well, I've been over there.

They've all got, like, crazy, like, bongo the clown hair. And they're, like, teeth are like, you could pretty much put a ping pong ball in between them. They got freckles and stuff? All of them, huh? Right. They're not the most attractive breed, are they? Oh, har. They?

I'm not going to say yes. Are you kidding me? We're going to get all the Scottish people calling it in. I guess no matter where you go in the world, they have different standards of beauty. Beauty, what's beautiful to you? Give us your ultimate girl. What kind of eyes do you like? I'm a sucker for, you know, brunettes.

Brunette eyes? Wait a minute. Brunette is a hair color. Right. What did you say? I asked you what kind of eyes you like and you said brunette. What do you like a chick with hairy eyes? What do you date in Dr. Seuss characters?

What are you? Out with a lorax, are you? I just love your hairy eyes. Let me run my fingers through your eyes. I really like your hairy eyeballs. Do you mind if I comb your eyes shut? I like your eyes. They're full of dandruff.

God. Well, you got to listen to the questions. I'm sorry. What kind of figure do you? like on a girl? I think I like a girl with a little curvaceousness. Yeah? Yeah, they don't have to be like Kate Moss thin. Right. You look like a little meat on the bones. Yeah. You ever get busy with a fatty?

That's a real nice question, R. Well, I'm just saying, we want to know. Maybe, maybe so, maybe not. Well, that's not an answer. Yes or no? You ever get busy with someone a little on the chubby side. Yeah, sure. And? Well, beauty's only skin deep, her. Now, let me guess. This chick was eating the goose potter while you were getting busy.

She's eating the goose. Oh, God. Afflack! Affleck! It's Harlan Williams with his cousin, Cassanova, here on the Harlan Highway. Yes, there he is, my little cousin. Kevin. Oh, I don't get to talk to him as much as I used to. He's always out there in the world, traveling and singing and doing his thing. But that's the way it goes with family. You know,

you kind of drift in and out of each other's lives. Sometimes you're more proactive. You're hanging out all the time. You're doing things. And then, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You go through spells where it smells. No, you go through spells where maybe you don't hang out as much. But you still have all the feelings inside for your family

And it seems like no matter how far apart you drift You always pick it up again when you get together At least that's the hope wherever you are, Cousin Kev I hope you're safe, you're healthy, you're doing just swell And stay away from old liverwurst mouth So Halloween is coming up, oh boy, oh, my, are you scared? What do you give out for Halloween?

Are you one of those people that give out the cheap stuff? You know, you go to the bargain store, you go to the 99 cent store, and buy like third world M&Ms. You know, they're knockoffs of the real M&Ms. They're made in like, you know, Indonesia in a jungle. They're made in Cambodia and some backroom. and they're, it's not real chocolate.

It's, it's, it's not even an M on there. It's like they, it's like they didn't pronounce it right, and it's an N. Oh, you like the N and N's. Oh, we got lots of N and Ns over here. You give out for Halloween. N&N, delicious candy. Right? Or do you give out, you know, just crap?

Are you one of those, you one of those good houses, you know, where you give out the real M&Ms, and you give out, and you give out the, you know, the higher-end candy. You know, it's not like the cheap, gooey stuff that you can buy, you know, a giant bag at Rite Aid for 99 cents. You get a giant bag of, it's just whipped sugar, hardened and wrapped. Ugh. So hopefully this year, you'll give a nice, tasty treat to all the kids.

because I'm going out. Yeah, I'm going out this year for a trick-or-treat. I decided. I'm in my 40s, and I haven't been out for a long time, so I'm going to give it a go. Okay? So I hope you're cool with that. And just be nice of a 6-foot-2, 200-pound, you know,

ghost shows up at your door with a deep voice. Trick-or-treat! Hey, aren't you a little old? Yes. Well, my husband's not here. Why don't you come upstairs, Casper? Mm-hmm. Anyways, enough of that.

Let's move on. Hey, this is fun. You guys are going to enjoy this next story. Okay, imagine yourself. You're in the bottom of... What? Oh, no. No.

No. No. No. No. Oh, my God. What are you doing here? Oh, God. What in the name of God are you doing here?

My name is Signor Fuente. I know who you are. You're my gardener. Why do you keep showing up in my studio? I'm your gardener, senor. Senor Frenti. Stop saying your name. I know it.

I hired you. Senor Fenta. Stop it. What in the hell are you doing here? I have some bad news, Signor. Oh, great. What'd you do this time? I had a problem with your tulips, signor. What are you talking about?

Remember you sent me to the gardening center to buy some tulips? Yeah. Well, when I was walking through the parking lot with the tulips. Yes? Well, I dropped your tulips. Okay, no worries. Well, when I dropped them, I guess someone had been eating a hot. hot dog so there was a dirty old weaner laying on the ground in the parking lot what does that

have to do with me well your two lips fell right on the weaner what your two lips fell on the weaner and your two lips went all over the weaner in the parking lot what do you don't say it like but your two lips were all over the weaner stop talking like that like what seor i'm just telling you the story get on with it Well, I finally scraped your two lips off the dirty weaner rolling around in the parking lot. Stop? Just get going. I'm trying to, senor, you just stop me. Finish up.

So I got the tulips into the truck. I was driving home, and all of a sudden I hit a yellow light. Okay, so whoopi do. Had to slam on the brakes, signor. Yes? Well, when I slammed on the brakes, your two lips flopped over and went right into my... crotch. Excuse me? Your two lips were all over my crotch, all over my zipper and whatnot. Oh my God. Exactly, senor. I'd forgotten to do up my fly when I went to the

bathroom at the garden center and your two lips went right through my pants and into my... All right, enough. And stop saying my two lips. Well, that's what they are, senor. You asked me to get tulips. Yeah, but they're not my two lips. Well, who gave me the money from with them, Signor? I did. Well, doesn't that make them your tulips? Get out of here! And then the tulips, when I stood up, they kissed my ass. Get out of here! Hey, bud. Hey dude. Hey, Biff. Yo, dog. Yeah, you got a nickname. I think we all have nicknames, right? My nickname's har. But what I... want to know about is your nickname in the old saccharony making love nicknames you know like daddy you and

your partner have this little thing going and once you start getting uh heated up suddenly uh this weird nickname comes out where you got a little uh you know a little kinky role playing thing going on where you call each other uh different names i bet there's some really funny ones out there. Hello. I want to hear them, man. Call me. Or I want to hear the love making nickname you give to your partner.

And if you don't do it, maybe you should try it because it's kind of fun. No, I'm not spilling the beans on the ones I use. No way, man. Because you know what I look like. I don't know who you are. That's not fair. Let's hear your love making names on the Harland Highway with Har.

Yeah, Haar on the Harland Highway. I'm serious, man. I know you've got them. Ladies, guys. Huh? Come on. I want to hear those names you use in those most intimate moments. Like liverwurst mouth or patayas or sugar lumps or a professor or candy or I don't. don't know you tell me man this is going to be fun i want i want the girls and the boys call me i don't answer the phone whenever you call me it's just an answering machine so you don't have to worry about talking to anyone it's always just an answering machine so you can leave your names and if you want to leave your nickname and your partner's nickname try that that could be really fun um and

number as you know is at harland williams.com it's right there at the bottom of the page just go to harland williams.com down at the bottom is the info about calling the voicemail machine we don't trace your calls we don't we don't pms you or whatever it is what what's that thing the uh that the uh i don't know the ATD what's that thing where they They follow you, the, what the hell is it called? The, oh my God, what's it called? The, you know what I'm talking about. The little device you put in your car and you track,

you follow the roadmaps, and the, I can't think of it. Maybe that should be my nickname in bad. That way, you know, I'll never forget it again. But definitely call and let's hear them. I don't be afraid and we'll put them on the air and if you even want to kind of use it in a sentence the way you would when you're in the moment that could even be more fun yeah you're going to get exposed you don't have to leave your name just leave your bedroom name oh this is going to be good looking forward to those calls I want the guys and the girls to call in even if you don't use

it anymore it can be a name from a long time ago it can be a name you're using now we just want to hear them because we know there's going to be some great ones right pokey that's right anyways i i digress um so call and uh go to harlow williams dot com for our answering machine hotline You just don't have time for it. You get home from a long day at work, and the last thing you want to do is fire up the stove in the kitchen. Well, here's a way to have your dinner without raising a finger. When you get home, put some nice dinner clothes on,

and wander aimlessly over to your neighbor's house. Ring the doorbell, and when they open the door, just shuffle on in and lazily sit down at their kitchen table, with the rest of the family. Don't say a word and just let them serve you a hot meal. And you know they will because that's the fastest way to get rid of you.

So there you go. Free meals, no cooking. Just wander to your neighbor's house. Plop down at their dinner table. Another helpful hint from Harlem Williams here on the Harland Highway. Good evening. I want to suck your blood.

Why am I bringing up Dracula? Well, listen to this. Dracula, who was a real count, lived in some godforsaken country like Latvia or Bolivia or Ohio. I don't know where Dracula's from, but some creepy place. He lived in a big castle up on a hill. A real guy, it looks like Dracula's actual real castle is for sale. Price tag, a mere $135 million. Let's see, do I get the trailer for the trailer park in Missouri for 12 grand? Where do I spring for the extra, you know, $134.5 million and get Dracula's cat. Hmm, let's see, uh, would you want to live in Dracula's castle?

That'd be a little creepy to me, man. You know, I wouldn't want to buy like Charles Manson's summer home and live there either. I mean, Dracula's castle, you know you're going to have some nightmares there, man. All the vampires probably go there and hang out. You know, you'll be sleeping one night and you'll hear a big doorbell. You open the door, it creaks open. There's like Count Chocula standing there. Hello, good evening.

Let's have a bowl of cereal. The count from Sesame Street will be there. It's one. Ah, ha, ha, ha. Two. Ah, ha, ha. Three o'clock in the morning. Ha, ha.

Let me suck your neck. Uh-huh. It's a creepy place. Dracula's castle for sale $135 million Now that's a price that sucks Yeah that'll suck the bloody money

right out of your bank account man Way to go, Drack still sucking people in the 21st century here on the Harland Highway Oh yeah Getting those scary vampire Dracula stories going for you here as we get close to Halloween. It's coming up.

I hope you're ready. We will be having a fun Halloween show for you just before Halloween. So our last show before Halloween will have all kinds of fun, scary Halloween stuff. So I hope you're here for it. Thank you for being here today on the Harland Highway. It was a treat, indeed. Don't forget you can pick up the Harland Highway on Stitcher. You can get a free app for your cell phone.

And be sure to stop by the websites, harlandhighway.com and Harlandwilliams.com. So you can phone in and give me, give me all kinds of fun messages that we play on the podcast. So that's it. Go out and arrange a viewing of Count Dracula's Castle before it snapped up off the market. And we'll catch you next time.

And until then, chicken, chow main, baby. Did you ever like, while you were kissing her accidentally think you're at the wrong end? Nice.